Of Firsts

In our life we all have a lists of firsts – first dates, first kisses, first job…this next month is going to be about several firsts for me. This weekend, my parents are coming up for their first visit to see my first house. Next month I am going to have my first visit with one of my sisters that I am getting to know (I am the youngest of five) and in about a month, there will be some first moments with someone very special who has re-entered into my life.

The great things about firsts is that they exciting. Filled with promise, hope and excitement of the unknown. My Mom and I have been talking and planning this first visit since I first moved into the house. We have so much do together in this new place. She has a green thumb and she is bringing plants and flowers to help me with my gardens and figuring out the landscape of my first yard. There are many conversations to be had, much wine and coffee to drink together.

And I can’t wait for Dad to see my new place. I have a to do list all set up of small projects we can do together while he is here; connecting the water line to the refrigerator, putting up shelves and such. I love working with my Dad. We used to work on small projects with my car, like changing out the break pads. But this is different, this is the first time we will be able to work on projects for my house. There is something wonderful about that, to have those memories of working with him. It’s part of what will make this house a home.

Family means so much to me, and with everything imploding with my closest sister and my parents health not being that good, I released that there were other members of my family that I want to know. The visit with one of my oldest sisters is beyond exciting and there are few words to express the emotions attached. There is so much curiosity and I only wish there was more time to get to know her. I wonder why I waited so long. I should have done this a lot sooner.

And then there is Love. There is another chance, a new chance with someone trusted, known and who knows me, down to my bones. So many years, and yet, the core is still the same. The first time at a second chance. And when we are in the same space, there is a sense of calm, a sense of comfort, a place where I can relax. And in my head I hear what so many have said for years: “There is no need to look. You already know him. He is already there.” I have often said when so many say the same thing, chances are it is true.

And so it is, this season of firsts. As the days get hotter and longer, the air is thick with the promise of the unknown and to move into this season with my parents, sibling and loved one is truly amazing. I knew that 2014 would be a new year of new things, and that the wheels would starting turning once I got into the new house. And indeed all the love I wanted in my life is here and all the dreams are coming to fruition. There is Peace, there is happines, there is a great life right in front of me.

A Moment

It is the rush of the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, dinners, decorating and family get-togethers. It is a time that we seem to rush around, hardly time to do anything besides get to the next thing we have to do. And this holiday season seems to be busier than those past.

But last night I took a walk in my quiet little neighborhood. I listened to the silence of the evening, looked at the lights and Christmas decorations that were around. There were children playing in the distance, laughing and running. I thought about my life, and the past year. All of the ups and downs, all of the events that made it 2013.

And through all of it all, there have been so many blessings woven in, even the bad times. I just needed some time and space to see them. And isn’t that how it always is? Things always seem to work out for the best, and end up just as they should. We just may not ever be able to predict the road that gets us there.

This year I have seen love, loss, heartache, joy, anger, Peace, struggles, having money, being poor, letting go, hanging on, breathing in, cleaning out and rising up .I have supported my family and had others support and help me. When I think back at just what has happened in the past year, it’s almost overwhelming to think of it all.

But I am so very thankful for being here, right now, in this place. It’s been a long road, but Bliss is all around. And it had taken a lot of work. Many think that happiness just lands in a persons lap. It doesn’t. It’s a decision you make and re-make every day. Work you do to keep it every day. But it’s worth it, to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

So this holiday season, take .a moment. Pause and reflect. Eve for those for whom the holidays are difficult, take pause and look around. When you do, I promise you will see wonderful things around you . No matter where you are, it could be worse, but it’s not. And the good thing is if you feel like you are at the bottom, there is now where to go but up.

Take a moment, see the lights and the decorations. Enjoy the cold crisp air. Notice the energy of others around you. Enjoy your favorite TV shows, some hot tea, or a warm bowl of soup. Because it’s the small things that add up to making a good life. But we must take time to appreciate them.

So take a moment.

Falling for Fall

It is Fall here in the south. The weather is turning cooler, with the highs in the low 80’s and high 70’s. At night the air is crisp and cool, promising the cold of the winter to come. In a word, it is delicious. I love this time of year. The air-conditioning gets turned off and the windows or up at night, as the cooler temperatures makes sleeping under a warm blanket a wonderful experience…until you try to get out of bed the next morning. Car rides have the windows down and the radio up, as the cool fall air mixes with  the warm sun to make the perfect recipe for road trip.

The fall festivals have already started, and the leaves are beginning to turn colors. The air is light and fresh, as  are the spirits of those around. Yes, it is fall, yummy, cool, promising, busy and fun. This weekend was a great taste of what is to come.

Family is a big part of my life. My youngest nephew came up with his girlfriend to explore and go to see a concert. Leaving us boring adults behind, they went shopping, eating, concert going and had much fun just being together. But I suspect we boring old people had much more fun.

Friday night were “crack tots” and beer with friends. Crack tots, true to their name, are highly addictive. You cannot just have one of these delicious tots dipped in equally addictive cheese sauce.  Thank goodness they have no calories either (at least that is what I tell myself as I devour them). Later that night my nephew and his girlfriend arrived, and there was much laughter and love.

Saturday was crazy busy, as once again the two lovebirds went out looking for cool things to do in Atlanta. Breakfast was cooked, more laughter and lots of activity around the Burch household. Then it was time for the adults to play, as we planned a fun time downtown. A friend of mine has a brother who bought a favorite bar, so we went down for the celebration. And we celebrated a lot. There were hugs of friend that I had not seen for a=years, laughter, catching up, eating and drinking. There was great live music, an old bank vault filled with everything Elvis, dancing and lots of Johnny Cash. There were pictures and smiles, and of course, several times I nearly tripped.

Sunday brought about sleeping late, brunching and lots of laughter and love

And I have to say that I am falling in love…with this season, and these weekends, and my family, and this time, these moments, in life. I am falling for Fall. And it is wonderfully delicious!

Family Habits

We, as humans, are creatures of habit.  Whatever we do, the cycles we have, the patterns we display, all show habit is part of the human condition. And what is great about having my family living with me, is seeing habits and cycles form.

We, as a family, seem to have a rhythm. I know the days my sister will be tired, and nights my nephews will want a good meal after that hard class. They know my moods and rhythms too. Now, if we could only all get into the rhythm of cleaning the kitchen, that would be great.

But it is interesting watching them form. Which days we sit and watch TV, which nights we sit around the dinner table laughing, which nights we drink wine, and which nights we all just want to go to bed early. Who does their laundry on what night of the week.

I love when we all get together in one of our rooms and chat. Love when we enjoy a good dinner together, love when we gather around the calendar and talk about who needs to be where, when doing what. I love the planning that goes along with being a family. Love moving as a unit, together, even when we are separate. It makes my heart happy to have those that I love so dearly, around os close.

I have learned that family is what makes a house a home and what gives a home a soul. The cabinets in the bathroom for Mom. The caffee for my nephew, the teas for my sister. The place where we write down what we need for groceries. Seeing their things around to remind me that others are close by. Hearing them get ready in the morning, as they try not to trip over the playful cats. grilling on the back patio, buying things I know they will love. All the joy that comes form the soul they bring with them into the home. And they Peace they bring into my own heart.

But that’s the thing about family – friends, lovers, jobs and even habits may come and go, but family is forever. So you might as well get into the habit of being a good strong one and working together for a happy household.

The Last Day

We all have those times when we look around and realize that it is the last day…of high school, of college, of a particular career, of many things in life. It is the end. And there is a new beginning that awaits.

Today is it. The last day…of my 30’s.  And looking back, it has been a great decade.  And I have learned so much. And I have worked hard and accomplished much. I think that the decade of my 30’s was working hard and establishing myself – my personality, my career and talent, my writing, myself. Now, entering into my 40’s, I have nothing to prove to anyone. Been there, done that. And they can kiss my bum if they don’t like it.

My 30’s truly were magnificent. And I say goodbye to them fondly.  When I think back, I smile. Some of my best times have been in this decade. Some of the worst times too, but all in all the good has far outweighed the bad.

I have been in NYC, had trips of a lifetime. I have dined in some of the finest restaurants in my 30’s. I have enjoyed being flown in private planes, for private weekends in the Bahamas. I have held and stolen kisses. I have worked hard, traveled well, had money and been completely broke (having money is better, btw). I have been naive and been very smart. I have been the outcast and the toast of the town\, been the object of praise and scorn. I have cried tears of joy and of immense sorrow.

And I have done it all my way. I have kept true to myself, my integrity and my code of honor. And I am proud of this. Many cannot say the same. And the mistakes that I have made? Well, they just made me smarter. The people who have hurt me? They just made me better and stronger.

And so here I am. On the eve of my 40^th birthday, and I know the next ten years will be even better than the last. And I truly cannot wait for the adventure, memories that will be made, truths that will be discovered and told, and smiles and laughter that will be had, good times all the wonder of life. Bad times? Oh, I am sure there will be a few mixed in there, but I am not worried.

And aging? Forgetaboutit! Father Time and I made a deal a long time ago, that I would only get better with age. Like a fine wine. And so, those tiny wrinkles? Those little laugh lines? Even gravity…they do not scare me. I am Ada. I am a Burch. I am my Father’s daughter. I am my Mother’s daughter. And I am about to be 40. And so I say to life:

Take my hand and let’s jump right in!

To Love and Be Loved

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  ― Lao Tzu

More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.

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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different  loves and all the different levels.

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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?

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This is where I find myself to day.  as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.

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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.

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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.

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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.

Finding and Keeping Fulfilled

Fulfillment is defined in the dictionary as Satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one’s abilities or character. Many of us strive a whole lifetime to achieve this illusive word. And then when we find it, it is knowing how to balance life in order to keep it.

 I have reached fulfillment in my life. I have developed my abilities, character and standards to the point where I am fulfilled not only in my life, but also within myself. And as I approach my 40^th birthday, I realize I am right where I want to be. There is not a single part of my life in which I am unhappy.  I am fulfilled in my life, my career, my family, my loves and my friendships. And I look around and think “Wow, I did it. I really did it.”

It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been pretty. And I’ve made mistakes along the way. I have been no saint. I have disappointed others and myself, I have mis-stepped, mis-spoken and mis-judged, but I have learned much about myself and others each step of the way. My journey has been intensely personal and not at all typical. But then, when has my life ever been typical? And through it all, I have kept myself self, my honor and my integrity in tact.

And now looking back, I see how I have managed. They key has been the saying:

“To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” – Shakespeare

It is easy to laugh at this simple saying at first, but if you take a deeper look, in the truest sense, then you begin to see the wisdom and simplistic beauty in the quote. “To thine own self be true.” To me, this means being honest with ourselves and our intentions. This is perhaps the hardest part. Think of all the little lies we tell ourselves on a daily basis, how we may rationalize selfish, destructive or dishonest behavior. Now, if we follow our conscience, as God gave it to us, and are truly honest with ourselves, then we will have no trouble in knowing the right and wrong of a situation.

Then the next part:  “And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”  To me, this makes the most simple sense of all. If we are truly honest with ourselves, and true about our intenmtions, then we cannot deceive another.

If we are honest within ourselves, and follow our hearts honestly and in earnest, life will balance and we will find Peace. And where we find peace, we will find happiness. But first it starts from within.

The second part of my equation to finding true fulfillment in my life, has been to get others out who do not live by the creed mentioned above. This may seem cruel at first, but it is not. Think about it, if someone cannot even be honest within themselves, how  can they be honest with you? If a person deceives themselves, they will surely deceive you as well. Count on it. And when confronted on the deception, they will rationalize it and make excuses to you and to themsleves as well. They didn’t lie, they just didn’t mention it. Or say that you are at fault because you are not flexible. Morals and integrity are not flexible, to those who are honest with themselves anyway. Argueing with these people offeres no Peace, and thus should not be entertained. Just just ties and run.

When you get these people out of your life, you also get the instability, chaos and pain they bring into your life out as well. These people suck all the energy and life out of life itself. Because they cannot be honest with themselves, they serve not the greater good of humanity, but their own selfishness and petty needs, never considering the effect their actions bring onto others. Once you get these people are expelled, you will be surprised at how much time and energy you have to focus on the good things.

The people who are in my life are balanced and bring good things into my life. And if they do not, if they start to bring negativity and choas through my door, they will be put out. No appologies made. The relationships I have now are blanaced and mutually beneficial, as they should be.

And now I move forward fulfilled. My life is not at all perfect, but is is wonderful, beautiful, mysterious and amazing.

Perfect

And we were prefect.

As we stumbled through it all. We were trusting and weary

We were slow, deliberate, cautious, fast, we were fearful of our own curiosity and need, Want and illusions.

We surprised each other. We were weary of each other. We were excited  and torn by each other.

We were looking for each other, crack by crack, bone by bone, inch by inch.

We wanted to believe in each other, not quite knowing each other, but filling in the spaces with our own developments and experiences.

We were drunk in our love and lust for each other, making love in the mornings or by the moonlight. Perfect in our longing, balanced in our time and our space. Arms, legs, hands, holding on and letting go. Moments perfectly enterwined with memoires, leading down a yellow brick road.

We laughed and confessed, but not quite everything, late night on the pillows and in familiar comfortable arms. Visiting those sacred places together, as we felt with our hearts a long the way.

We drove and ate, laughed and cried, we went miles around the planet, going nowhere, sitting on the couch. We talked of plans and thoughts, and Bar B Q.

We were sheets tangled, we were flushed, we were awake and alive at sunrise, bodies warm, we were arched, and folded in, our hearts stained in kisses. We were long looks and smiles, we were hope.

We were broken hearts, and breathless lust, we were perfectly imperfect, exploring our worlds within each other, learning, stumbling, hoping, loving, running, playing, smiling, hoping

We were sunsets and lighting bugs, long hugs and short messages. We were.

We fought, and we were both too weak with love to win, and so we lost and conquered each other’s heart instead.

And now we are no more.

Avoiding Love is Finding Hell

A passage from C.S.Lewis from his book The Four Loves:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one,     not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it. What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.

.Aaron Manley Smith wrote: “The hard part I’ve had to learn, as a man, when we truly love someone, is that, there comes a moment when we have to choose to humbly and peacefully take the beating because they need something to beat and you’re the only thing that will take it and turn it into the love they so desperately need and have been denied…”

Love is a word that inspires and haunts us. It is one of the most powerful things that drives us in our lives – love of a partner, of friends, the love of a parent to a child. What would we not do for love?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Or maybe I do. I will not become bitter, even in the throws of a broken heart. I will not close myself up, I will not put myself in the “casket” of Hell. The same love that God gives to me, flows through me and it must not stop there. It must be given to others – friends, family, and children. Contrary to the fairy tales, love is not always easy. It should not always be hard, but it often is. Because we are, as humans, imperfect and jagged. And we will inevitable hurt each other.

I prayed for something larger and bigger than myself to build. Something that was more important than just me. I had no idea how God might choose to put it in my life to answer that prayer, but at the cornerstone of it, I think, is Love.

But it is not easy, and it is not going to be easy. I face many hardships, questions and struggles in the future. Can I do this? Myself? Maybe I can’t, but Love can. Love will find a way. And on those days when I feel like I can’t, when my knees are shaking, my heart breaking, my soul hurting, Love can carry me though.

I must trust that love will find it’s way into my cracks and crevices, to make me stronger, as rusted and ragged as I currently feel.

Like one of my best Friends Rex writes of those hard times, they lead to a rich life, with love, heartache, the good, bad and ugly. But it is real and it is what life is all about. And I would rather take a chance at loving someone and live a life of those missed opportunities, even when it doesn’t work, than be so closed up and untrusting, that I miss the greatest loves of my life. For that is no life at all.

And when you love someone, you allow them their days and their faults. I have seen this with my own parents, married 45 years in November, There have been times when my father was angry, and lashed out at my mother, and vise-versa. When you love, you absorb those faults as if they are your own, because you love. You give, you take, you absorb, you love. You don’t get scared because some views or opinions are different than yours. If everything was the same, it would be very boring. And if it is that shallow, then it is not love at all. For love is deep.

As long as the core values are the same – family, faith, partnerships, morals, integrity – then that is half the battle. The other half is finding someone who will accept you faults and who you do not mind “taking a beating from” as Aaron Manley Smith says. Because you are open to love and getting hurt is part of it. If you are open to the joy, then you must be open to the pain. It is as it must be, there is not one without the other. No one is perfect. We all have bad days, we all get into fights, we all have doubts, some days more than others.

And on those other days, it must be love that carries us through. Love for ourselves, love for another, love for friends, love for family, love for children

And we carry that love in our hearts and in our soul:

i carry your heart with me

By e e cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Definition

What defines us? As people? As humans? As individuals?  I don;t think that there is one thing that can define a person, as we are all multi-layered and complex. Flawed.  Good and bad.  We are, in fact, made up of may definition, just as we are made up of many parts. As just as our parts, we are for more rich that just the sum…because along with all of our parts and definitions, there is an intangible quality that is brought with the whole of us.

That which defines us, is liquid. It can change at any time, because we ourselves, are so multifaceted that we may also seem liquid. The Truth is, it just depends on which angle and light from which you catch the view.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a lover, a co-worker, a girlfriend, an enemy, a stranger, a driver, an actor, a model, a girl, an American, a Southerner, and human, a sing-in-the-shower-er, a klutz, a romantic, a procrastinator, a spectator…and too many more too list. Ands what you see me as, depends as much as your view as it does the angle in which you see me.

There are things in my life, that I have done, in which I am proud, and there are things I have done which I am ashamed. I have gone back and read the hand-written story of my life in the pages of my journal, in my own handwriting, and cried, been proud, been terrified, been ashamed, been happy and been sad at what I read. There are times I really wanted to know the person in those pages, and times when I hated her. And they are all what defines me…and more.

And maybe that is it, our definition is a combination of our experiences, thoughts, beliefs, personality, views and opinions, as well as all those of what others think and view of us. Certainly there is not a single person who is liked or loved by everyone. And who one person would say is a saint, certainly someone else may say is the devil. It all depends on the definition others see us by as well.

But maybe the most important definition is that which we give to ourselves. And tat which we strive to reach. I want top be better. I strive to be less defensive, more open, have more Grace and patience, have more compassion. I pray that I worker harder and be more engaged and a better friend to those who love me. And work hard to e a better writer and deeper explorer of the human condition. And I strive to reach more depth of understanding in my dealing and comprehension of others.

And I pray, that I never stop adding definitions of who and what I am.

Chances, Changes and Superman Returns

There is nothing like dating a superman. A man who is sexy, funny, smart, helpful, a gentleman, but can still make your scream, compassionate, mature, intelligent, good looking, crafty, handy, snuggly, romantic, talented…in essence, the whole package. The kind of man that you say you want when you are a little girl, and wonder if still exists when you are an adult.  There is nothing like being smitten and there is nothing like having another chance and working things through. And sometimes that means taking chances and making changes.

Taking chances for me in being vulnerable and exposing raw emotions, being brutally honest with myself and others.  And what is so great is that, even though it has taken me a little while to build up the courage, there has been respect, compassion and understanding waiting for me. It is a truly amazing thing that has renewed a very weary soul and jaded outlook.

Making changes is taking the time to truly slow down and absorb. It is putting my money where my mouth is when it comes to giving compassion and asking for the gift of Grace.  You cannot just ask for these things when you pray, you have to actively seek them out and practice them. As with all novices, I may be bad at it in the beginning…but I will keep on trying, until I have Grace that is a reflection of God, or at least I will come as close to it as I can. But it is hard. I must first seek to have a true understanding of Grace — what is is, what it means, what it looks like and how it moves, in order to have it and give it.

Another change is to stop being so defensive. Being defensive, if I am truly honest,  comes from fear and insecurity.  Fear of being judged and insecurity that people will not like what they see and walk away. Everyone fears those things to some extent. Especially when mistakes have been made, or you feel ashamed of some decisions that were made, or outcomes from those decisions. And when we are defensive, we block the love, patience and compassion that are extended to us from others, rejecting their very wonderful gift. Not being defensive, I also suspect, is another aspect of having Grace.

So while I am truly drowning in the wonderfulness of my Superman, I am also busy joyfully working on taking chances and making changes. Life is delicious and it is up to me to keep it that way. I want to slow down and be still. I want to enjoy each. Little. Moment. Drink it up and savor it, so that nothing of this time slips by or is forgotten.  I want to do all those wonderful domestic things that make a house a home. I want to be fully engaged in my life. And I want the Grace to make sure those I love feel at home where ever they are with me.

What gives you Peace will make you happy. And where there is Peace, there is love.

Let Go and Exhale

It is a term that we here quite often. Let go. Just breath and let go. Exhale. It is letting go of control of a situation and letting is develop as it will. We all know that is what we are supposed to do in life. Do what we can, then let go and let it happen.

For me this is very hard to do as I am just not used to it. I have to be very assertive in  my life – I am a writer and any contracts I get or freelance jobs I do, I am the one who must go out and get them.  And when I get a great corporate contract, I  must be assertive to get my job done. Learn fast, write it well, talk to SME’s.

And even in my family, I am the doer. They depend on  me to find out the information, to get to the bottom of whatever to is, they rust me to take care of it. And I do. Add to this the fact that I have been on my own for 20 years now. Everything I have , I have had on my own. I am determined. And in my life it has been that if I don’t do it, it won;t get done.

So, how in my personal life, can I just let go? And not do or assert?

I don’t know. I am learning and trying it now. But it is hard. It takes trust…trust in those around you, trust in God and Faith in Him. I takes Grace.  It takes patience. And I am a patient woman, as long as I know it will all turn out the way I want. But when I don’t know is when it’s hard. But then we get to a point where we must exhale. We have been holding our breath and holding on…and then we must let go. We say our prayers and put in in God’s hands.

But letting go does not mean walking away. Quite the contrary. It just means you recognize that you cannot force the heart. So you let go, pray, hope, have patience and Grace. And you know, eep down, that all is as it should be.

Getting Through It

Over the last few weeks, I have been wondering how people get through the rough spots in their lives. We all have those rought times, whether it’s the death of a loved one, a break up, loss of a job, or a thousand other life situations. And when those things happen, how do we get through?  I think it depends largely on the person. Some get quiet, some gtr loud, some stay in, some go out, some work, some travel. The possibilities are endless.

How do I get through? A combination of ways. The first thing I do is throw myself into my work. I remember when I went through the worst break up of my life in 1997. I was producing and co-hosting a morning show at the time. And I went into over drive…I litterally worked from 5am to 7pm. The result was a great morning show that went from #5 to #1 in ratings…but at the end of it I was exhausted.  I also did theater during that time and was on stage from 7pm-11pm at night. Looking back I am not sure exactly when I slept. But that show won awards too.

And no doubt that is what I have done once again, as I get another promotion with the promise of more to come.

I internalize a lot of things, something I have worked very hard to get away from. And I think I may need to go back to, just a bit. No one wants to be around someone who is a mess all over the place. So the secret, at least for me, is when to let it out and when to keep it all in. Something about balance, maybe? I think so.

And speaking of balance, because I throw myself into work and such, I end up moving at a break neck speed. That is not always good. I want to be in constant motion during those times. But sometimes, when it is about balance, you need to slow down and just be.

And maybe that is where I am now. The stress and hard times have come to close…now what? I don’t have to run so fast anymore, I don’t have to move so much so quickly. I don’t have to be tough now. I can just be quiet and just be. I can shed that old skin, and be new. And I can learn to be still once more. And if we are both lucky, there will be someone with which to be still and enjoy that stillness; light, simple and deep.

It is time to settle down and make my my life my home.

THis songs expresses how I feel about life at this moment. Great song and great melody.
 

 

Back to Life

We all have those things and times in life where our concentrated effort must go to other things, then when energy and time is free again life opens up with new possibilities.

And it is with this new hope that I take a breath, long, drawn out, close my eyes. Slowly inhale…hold for just a few seconds…slowly exhale.

And get ready for all the possibilities waiting for me and I get back to my life. The past year seems to have had a giant Pause button on life. Not that I have not accomplished a lot, or had a lot to deal with – a better job, lots of freelance work, almost completed my book, have auditions coming in, read several books, helped with my father, taken several trips and lived in a lot of love. And dealt with legal issues and won.

Now, it is time to get back to the rest of my life. Enjoying time with  my wonderful Dad. Being a great aunt to my nephews and a good sister to my sister. Spending time with friends, catching up over long talks. walks and laughter.

And love, it is time to get back to love, holding hands and gooey looks at each other.

It is time to celebrate fall and the cool weather, and enjoy the first chilly night where you need a sweater.

Time to get back to loving my job and being the best writer I can be with out distractions.

And I want to have that nice, wonderful quiet life…with some great adventures. Travel, long weekends, snuggling by a fire, lots of friends and celebrating being settled in life.

And being the girl. Painting my nails, fixing my hair, wearing lacy things and just being held. For a really long time. Feeling safe and sound. Because I am a girl.

Yes it is time to breath and get back to life.

I Want to Kiss You

I want to kiss you
In the rain, with the drops
Falling all over and in between
Us as your lips are against mine.

I want to kiss you
in the middle of the night,
Sleepy eyed, opened heart,
Moonlight shining in our eyes

I want to kiss you
In the monrning
As the sun rises and a
New day starts in the world

I want to kiss you
On the couch while
Snuggling and watching TV
The cat purring in our laps

I want to kiss you
In a ball park
Maybe on the kiss cam
For all the world to see

I want to kiss you
Feel you breath mix with mine
And your arms around me
Tight, keeping me safe

I want to kiss you,
In the moonlight,
Under the stars, hearing the crickets
Along with the fireflies

I want to kiss you
In the mountains
On top of the world,
Because that is how you make me feel

I want to kiss you
Sweet and softly
Passionately, knowingly
Until we cannot kiss any more

But mostly,
I just want to kiss you.
Here and Now

 

Spring Fever and Fall Momentum

This summer has been so hot, with triple digits or close, for several months. Now, in September, it is starting to cool off. Highs during the day in the low 80’s, lows at night in the 60’s. Finally cool enough to fall asleep at night with the windows open. I feel like I have not only had to endure being cooped up inside all winter, then for this almost unbearable hot summer. I moved the Dreadmill treadmill out of the garage and inside in front of the fireplace (it’s not like I’ll need fireplace).

Tired of staring at the walls and itching to be outside, I decided to take a hike.

Driving listening to Simon and Garfunkle, which is perfect tree hugging, nature loving, go hiking music. The drive was a little over an hour outside of Atlanta, windows down, radio up, my longish hair with the wind blowing through it. It was perfect. When I was younger I would drive just for the joy of it, when gas was less than $1 a gallon. I once drive 1000 miles in one day.  And so I drove into the country, passing intersections with names like Settledown Road and Knockem Out Drive. Past old sheds and antiques stores, past Bar-B-Q eats and places to buy country jellies and jams. Past the pumpkin patches, horse farms and pastures.

I have been to some of the most wonderful restaurants like The 4 Seasons and Ritz Carlton, been flown in private jets to little islands…but the one place that gives me the most peace is being out in nature. Trees, birds..it is life. I have lived in NYC and Atlanta, but the best place in the world is the country.  And what better way to honor God on a Sunday?

And so I arrived at this wonderful spot, one of my favorite places to hike, Amicalola Falls. And I hiked, I saw birds and bugs, trees, flowers, streams and water falls. And I saw God. And while I walked I saw the wonder of my life. All the little miracles, small though significant, in the world. And I was grateful.

And as I hiked, I let it all go. All the hurt and disappointment of the past. All the fear of the future. All the insecurities, the doubts, the heart-wretching anxiety. I let it all go, as I huffed up the steep hills, ignoring the burning in my calves. I let it all go, all that I had carried.  All the heartbreak with my Dad and his health, all the legal stress, all the work worries, all the relationship issues, all the tears, all the everything that can never be written or read.

Anyone who has hiked Amicalola Falls is familiar with the trail leading up to the top…and the 600 steps to get there. Yes, that’s 600. As in 175 steps on the first pass, 425 on the second pass. So, after hiking steeply uphill for a mile, I hiked up those 600 steps. I am a runner, and I ran 2 miles just the night before, but these steps were a challenge. But there is something delicious in pushing your body. And indeed, as my thighs burned, sweat dipping down in parts I forgot I had, and breathing hard, I went up, and up, and up higher still.  Determined, I pushed forward, determined to push the “I can’t do this” out of my head.

And I shed the layers of all I was holding onto. It was as if I unzipped myself and walked out. And when I reached the top, winded and out of breath, I somehow felt lighter. And indeed I was. Looking out at the top, feeling the wind against my skin, breathing the fresh air and feeling the warm sunshine, I was giddy in the fact that I had made it, shaky legs and all.

Needless to say, hiking back down was much easier than the way up, which is almost always the case in life. I went down those 600 steps without tripping, even once, which for those who know me, is almost unbelievable. And I have decided that this Fall, there should be many hiking trips, fall festivals, pumpkins and fresh air.

And so it is with this fall season. The year is wrapping up and after climbing treacherous hills and mountains, I am finally on the journey down. I can finally start to relax and let the lightness of letting go carry me downhill. Trust, comfort, love, Family, Faith, patience, compassion and kindness carry me. And slip my hand into another to share in the wonderful momentum of Fall.

Within Our Own Imperfections

I’m learning that within our own imperfections we find the greatest truths, unconditional love, appreciation and a mirror of who we really hope to be on the inside on good and bad days. – Jennifer Jo Clark Singleton

I have long written about our faults, how they make us beautiful, human, complicated, deep and of course, flawed. One of the things these imperfections also do is help us find those greatest truths, not only about ourselves, but others in our lives. Within our own flaws, we can see a deeper.

It’s easy for others to like us and even for us to like ourselves on the good days. But what about the bad days? Those days when we know we are short tempered, overly emotional, angry, irritable, impatient and just bitchy. When we are tired, hurt, frazzed, discouraged, insecure and un-pretty. Those days when we really want to be the super hero we try to be, but just can’t seem to find the energy.  We are human and that is not always pretty.

Those people who love us anyway see us on a deeper level, because they see us even when we are not proud of ourselves. It’s all part of really getting to know someone, faults and all, from the inside out, from the soul to the toes. When we see that person is not perfect, they suddenly become real and are no longer 2-demensional. They are suddenly human, like us. Within our own imperfections we find God, Grace, compassion, comfort and healing.

I am going to have those bad days, as are you and everyone else in the world. Because we are human. We will lose our tempers, say the wrong things, lash out and just get irritable. Then we think about what was done or said and find our deeper selves. We feel remorse, and we apologize. we rebuild, we re-trust. We try and in trying, we become better – on those good days and even when we fall short on the bad days.

Within our imperfections, we strive to be better.

And within our flaws we can realize our dreams as well. We strive and work hard  toward making the “Me” we want to be, with the lives we want to have, reality.

I want to take long walks down roads and trails with yellow and red leaves. I want to make delicious meals in a big kitchen with an island. I want to have friends over and drink wine on the deck or patio. I want a yard in which children can play and I want laughter and love running down a hallway leading into bedrooms full of toys and fairy tales. And I want someone with which to share those wonderful things. Someone to laugh with, kiss at midnight and talk into the early hours. Someone whose flaws I can live with, and who can somehow, see the deeper treasure in the real 3-dementional me.

So I strive, everyday to be better. And when I fall short, as I will, I find comfort in the compassion and understanding of the hand that takes mine, the voice that says it is OK, the smile that re assures me that being human is just fine because I am in good company. And as I look in the mirror, as I look out to my friends and loved ones, and see them bare souled with imperfections too, I know it is true.

 

Perspective in Between

We all have those moments in life where something happens that just puts everything into perspective. And this week has been no exception, with a wonderful surprise at the end.

We take stock in our lives, think about the past, regrets and sweet memories, and have hopes for the future. We  take an honest look at ourselves and smile; hopeful, scared, excited, and knees shaking. We breath. We have faith. We take a leap. We trust. We go slow. We hold anothers hand and lean on a shoulder. We steady one another, yet sometimes walk alone, as we go down the roads of our life.

And somehow, the smoke clears, the dust settles and we look around with a new perspective. Not just for us, but for others as well. There are things that happen that make us so very aware of the fagilty of life, love, the heart and loved ones. Of right and wrong, of mercy and faith, of chances, changes, hurts and scrapes. We learn what is to be sacred and what is to be let go.

And at the end of this emotional rollercoaster week, my heart has grown several sizes. This week has been a gift, though a rough one to open. And maybe because, all because, of love, life and everything in the spaces between.

I may be dressed head to toe in love, but my accessories are by a new perspective.

A Happy Summer

It is summer. The air is warm, well hot actually. There are summer tunes heard playing on radios, the malls are full of kids who are playing in the public “spray” areas where they get to run through streams of cold water and scream and giggle with delight.  The music of ice cream trucks can be heard in almost every neighborhood as the temperatures reach triple digits and everyone is wearing shorts and cool t-shirts.

The days are lazy yet simultaneously filled with activities as vacations are planned, while others enjoy lazy afternoons reading by the pool or relaxing in a soft chair indoors. Fabrics are light and cool, calls are missed as phones are left behind for boat rides and dips in the ocean. Laptops are left on desks as days are longer and friends linger on patios, laughing over wine, sweet memories and long stories.

And I think of my own life, and how for I have come since just the beginning of the year, and the beginning of last month even. And how, in the slow march of time that zips by at the speed of life, I have changed and grown in my own skin. I think of my friends, those who are far and close, and of my favorite memories. Think of my family, and how dear we are to each other. I think of the man in my life, and how sweet it is to enjoy being the girl and getting to know someone. And the sweet taste of salty summer kisses.

Life is not perfect. My house is a bit messy, with clothes from the weekend still not folded or put away. I am still 10 pounds (ok, maybe 15) away from my ideal weight. I still have a creepy ex, and I still have not won the lottery. But it is summer. And I am happy, giddy even, about my life and this season of love and warmth. And that is perfect enough for me.

Vegans R Us

We are a meat eating family. We devour every kind of steak, ribs, pork lion, hamburgers, pot roast, fried chicken, beef stew, Polynesian ham, pork chops and more. Basically if it has meat in it, we love it. This is how is has always been. Now my father has been diagnosed with severe liver disease. He can no longer eat meat or dairy products because his liver cannot process the protein.

Switching to a low protein diet is pretty common for those with liver disease but it is beyond a menu change, especially for a southern cooking family such as ours. We have always been a family of food as gathering around the dinner table has always been very important family time. It matters not how busy we are, we know that we can always gather around the table and enjoy a wonderful meal prepared by my incredible cook of a mother.

So when we learned of the new diet, it sent us all into a bit of a panic. If you are not familiar with Southern Cooks then you should know we are very proud of our culinary skills. Telling a southern cook not to use meat and dairy is like telling an Italian cook they can no longer use any type of pasta. Envision a room full of ladies hyperventilating in little paper bags. It’s just not a pretty.

So, being of the information age, the answer, of course, is research. Research, at least to me is comforting. There are answers in research, and with answers a girl can figure out a plan and what needs to be done. In researching a low/no protein, no diary  diet, I found that the Vegan diet seemed to fit the bill.  That’s the first step.

But tell that to a group of Southern cooks, you will get a lot of blank stares. It all sounds like a different language. So then comes the job of discovering the wide world of vegan recipes and cooking.

And they look very yummy – lot of healthy things like fresh ingredients, organic grown vegetables and fruits and vegetables.  The bottom line is, change can be scary. And it can be uncomfortable, but it can be very good. We are all not changing to vegans, but we will learn to prepare vegan food so when we all sit down to dinner together, we can share the same meal, and support the man who has supported us all of our lives.

When my father comes to visit later this month, I look forward to dazzling both he and my mother with delicious  recipes prepared with love. I have ordered several vegan cookbooks to share and we will become the Southern Vegan Cooking family for my Dad. And those of you who laugh because I always said Hell would freeze over before i cooked fru-fru sticks and twigs food should know that there is something stronger than Hell. And that is love.

Time for the Weekend

We all need time to play, and this weekend was that time for me.  The past few months have been emotional due to learning of my father’s health. As a family, as an individual and as a daughter, I am slowly processing and dealing with the news, what it means for the family, our life, my Dad and our family.

And no matter how great the day, it is always there somewhere in the background. I have been trying to work out more, for health reasons and to reduce stress. Running is great and I can just listen to the music and let my legs carry me away and work the stress out as I sweat, strain and push my body past what it thinks it can do. Then I can put the wrist wraps and gloves on to box after a good run. I can punch away as the questions about the future run through my mind. By the time I am done, the stress has been worked out of my body and it is exhausted.

But this weekend it was time to put all the worries and stressors away, even for just a few days, and just enjoy. It was cloud nine with great food, laughter, funny moment, tender times, music, thoughts, stories and the sweet embrace of safety. And for just a few days, the world went away, faded in the far away places below as I sat floating on the clouds. I breathed in fresh air, sweet with his fragrance, looked out at the sunny landscape in front of me, and enjoyed being spoiled.

Yes, we all need a time of play. It is all in the balance of life, a time to work, a time to play. To everything there is a time.

 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Work and Play

I am a writer. And I get the biggest thrill saying that I am a professional writer. Five years ago I never would have thought this would be my profession, even though I had already been writing for over 20 years.  And now I get paid for it, am considered an expert even (and of course I am).

And so brings me to my current contract. I am writing all the content for the web pages of a particular section. And it is huge. I am working with the website developers, designers, business analysts, Content Managers, Project managers product managers and more. So much of this project depends on and concerns content, so there are many meetings, all day long. The past two days have been meetings from 9-5.

I am the person on the fringe of the meeting. Hear someone typing away on the keyboard? That’s me writing the content for the next phase of the website that we are going over in the next meeting.  And I am also considered the subject matter expert in many of the meetings (which is nice). And I can often be heard answering questions on context, grammar, punctuation and even spelling (I can hear you laughing).

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We all need to play, especially when life gets a bit heavy. We all need a time and a space to just relax. This weekend promises to be a weekend of fun and play, which after the news of my father’s health, I could use. A little escape so wo speak.

And speaking of little escapes, a trip out of town should happen soon, just not sure yet where to go.  Abeach maybe? Or a big city? Or maybe even in the mountains. Someplace where much fun can be had…

Let’s Review: Slow and Steady

In life and well as love, slow and steady is truly the best way to go. Bad things happen when it’s fast and furious. That slow burn is wonderful and lasts a lot longer than the quick fire that burns itself out seemingly over night, as bright and as dazzling as it is at first – it is not sustainable. But what exactly does slow and steady mean?

Slow is defined as Taking or requiring a long time; proceeding at a low-speed.  Put simply, it means spending time with someone and keeping it simple. Take a girl out, talk to her, take her to do fun things, find out what makes her laugh (and I don’t mean tickling her either). I mean what makes her smile? What makes her giggle? What makes her break out into a full belly laugh? And taking her out does not have to be anything expensive. It’s summer, take her a music festival, a museum, a lake, a Bar-B Q, a movie, a park, take her hiking. Show her who you are too, what makes you laugh and smile? She wants to know.

Any man can sweep a girl off her feet in a quick storm, but it takes talent to keep a girl interested over time. The art of seduction is an art. A real seduction takes time because it is not just a physical seduction, it’s emotional, mental and spiritual as well.  A true Alpha male can take his time and he knows it. And when you can find a man who will take his time, then, only after he has earned her trust, he can throw her down and take her like Christian Grey…well, that is a man worth keeping. Guys, that is what a girl REALLY wants. But you have to move slow to get her there.

Slow is NOT:  insisting a woman trusts you right off the bat when you have done nothing to show her you can be trusted. It is not sleeping with a woman on the 2nd, or even 3rd date. How about working for it guys? And girls, any man who baulks at the idea of working for your virtue is not worth the time is takes to slam the door in his face.  Sex with a woman is a gift. Treat it like that guys.

Steady is being consistent and dependable. Want to really impress a girl? Show her you can be reliable and that she can depend on you. Actually show her that and you will be her hero. And we all know guys love to be a woman’s hero. Want to know another secret? Guys, she really wants to depend on you. She wants to know that you will be there, and that you can be a rock.  So she already wants it guys, all you have to do is deliver.

To show a girl you are dependable and reliable –  Actions speak louder than words, make sure they match and you will show her she can trust you…and give her the time it takes for her to see.  Trust is earned. And any man who baulks at having to earn a woman’s trust is not worth the time it takes to shave our legs.  And anything worth while is worth working hard for. Men love a challenge, so guys, consider this your challenge if you want her.

What being dependable, reliable and steady is NOT? If you confuse a girl with mixed signals, guys you just might as well slam the door in your own face and save her the trouble. A girl is not going to put up with that for long. It’s also not saying one thing and doing another. It’s not telling her about the other women you like or are seeing. It is not not answering emails, text messages and phone calls. That is called playing games, and game players are not dependable.

I want a man who is slow and steady, because I want that slow burn. In the past I have been fooled by the fast flash of the hot fire that burns its self out overnight. No more. If you want to be in my life, you must be dependable and consistent.

What if you have messed up on the slow and steady? It is probably not too late to show her you can do it.  Just start over, take your time and give her time to see that she can trust you. It is a winning formula no matter what. So good luck!

Re-Examine

Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul – Walt Whitman

We often hear the phrase live life to the fullest. And many of us, myself included, strive to do just that. But what exactly does living life to the fullest mean? And how does one go about doing it? We know we should do it, but no one tells you exactly how.

For me it is a combination of things that allow me to live my life to the fullest extent. First living in that moment and fully experiencing all it has to offer is key. In order to do that you have to give up your need for control. If you are constantly in control you cannot enjoy any moment because…you are too busy controlling it. Breath, let go and just enjoy.

Giving up your need to be right goes hand in hand with control. When you give up your need to be right you can enjoy others around you without care to the ego. Just smile and have a good time. Relax.

Always be curious. Engaged the people around you and k now that you are not the center of the universe. Truly be interested in them and their stories. People are the spice of life and enrich our lives and experiences immeasurably.

Take your time. There is no rush in life so take your tine to notice small details and savor those perfect moments when you can. Not only will you enjoy yourself so much more then you don’t rush through life, but you also make some wonderful memories. Soak up all those wonderful rich details like a sponge.

Take chances. They don’t have to be crazy chances with high risks, but take a leap of faith every now and then. Step out of yourself and your comfort zone. You learn and experience new things and broaden your horizons. Even if you make a few mistakes, you tried and celebrated the fact that you ar alive. This espcailly comes to love, of all kinds. Never pass up a chance to love someone, whether in romance, friendship or just as another human. Living a life with love takes everything to a much deeper level.

And the most important thing to enjoying life to the fullest, at least in my humble opinion, is this: To thine own self be true. When you are true to yourself, there is an ease with which you move through life. This is because you cannot mislead others if you do not mislead yourself. Follow your own heart, your own conscience, your won soul, your own truth. The rest will fall into place, including happiness and Peace. And a clear conscience makes for mighty good sleep.

The Balance Between the Shades of Grey

As I read through the book 50 Shades of Grey, not only does it take me an a journey of the story, but of my own discovery and thoughts as well. Though the book is very sensual and erotic, Christian Grey is very damaged, and his constant need for control is quite disturbing. While the idea of a man being dominant and not afraid to take charge is enticing…I realize that I could not do it.

Throughout the story you see that the man who always has to be in control like that is not strong, but actually very weak and incapable of living a normal life. You see his desperation and dysfunction. The girl in the book who is narrating the story longs to touch him, hold him, run her fingers through his hair. Yet he does not allow it. Now only for the control, but because he is incapable of such love and intimacy.

What I want is a man who can be my equal, my partner. I want to be cherished, not owned. I want to be told I am beautiful, and have that person mean it. And while all that is talked about in the book is fun every now and then, the bottom line, nothing beats genuine intimacy. And when two people have a genuine connection, none of that stuff is truly needed. Maybe to spice things up ever now and then, but if a man needs to be in total control every time – that is a huge red flag. To be caressed, cherished, kissed passionately, deeply, slowly, sweetly…is wonderful.

A man who has to be in total control like that will not let it end in the bedroom. And that is not something I could abide. Yes, it is true that I have been on my own for 20 years now and want a man who can come in and take over and give me a break so I can rest for a bit. But I also want a man that can truly be a partner. I already have a father and I don’t need another. But I do need and want a partner, someone who can keep up, someone who will want one day to be a husband and father, and to build a life with much love and laughter.

Women want both – the strong, sexy, brooding, take you now and be in total control moments, and we also want and need, the romance and intimacy. A balance of both is what is key. While a man throwing you down and having his way is hot…a man who can only do that is not a man in which I am interested. That dynamic, while sexy, is not conducive to a functional relationship. A man that can do both, cherish and take when the moment strikes is one to be cherished in return.

Over You

I woke up this morning with a light heart. I wondered why I felt so good, so light and happy. I hummed while I got dressed excited about the beautiful day ahead. And as I went about my day, doing tasks, enjoying the sun and breeze, listening to great music, it dawned on me that I was over you.

The thought of you no longer tortures me. I no longer miss you or long to hear your voice. The residue your presence left on my life, my mind and my heart, has been washed away by an ocean of tears. Peace remains. The life we would have shared would not have been my own, but yours, borrowed and frayed. I deserve to share a life of Our Own.

There is no remorse, there are no regrets. Loving and giving of your self is never a mistake.  But I move on now, smarter, stronger, better than I was before. And I have you to thank. A smile reaches my lips when I think of the memories of the man who woke me from my slumber. You were that gift to me. And it is how you will be remembered. But the memories are all that  remain in the day and the night. And I have new memories to make.

So if you were to ask that question, after some scotch, I would smile, lovingly touch your arm and kiss your cheek. And walk away. I wish you much love and happiness, wonderful man who woke me up, and leave you with the life of your choosing. And as I walk away, I look forward to my life, new and refreshed. I told you I could live a very happy life either way. And I meant it.

Thank you for your time. It was lovely indeed. And now this time is mine and I shall not waste any more of it.

A Dose of Hope

Hope is defined as a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.  When times get tough, many say that it is Hope, Love and Faith that get them through.

Hope has a very rich history that dates back Greek mythology (called Elpis).  When Pandora opened her box, she left out all evils but Hope. Throughout the ages, Hope has been called one of the worst evils as well as one of the greatest gifts of the Human spirit.   Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche states in Human, All Too Human that hope is the evil of most evils, while Emily Dickson writes “Hope’ is the thing with feathers– / That perches in the soul–.”

But how does Hope pertain to  life now?  And is it good or bad to the condition of the human spirit?  Maybe it is as subjective as art, after all someone in history must have thought the Mona Lisa really was not all that beautiful.

In one of my favorite movies Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne defines Hope as “Something inside… that they can’t get to, that they can’t touch. That’s yours.”  I guess that is what I have always considered it -something that comes from the inside and bubbles up and out like a cool natural spring. That no matter how bad life or circumstances get, that there is always a belief that you can triumph. Some may consider hope as bad, keeping us hanging on for something that will never happen.  In the same movie, Red tells Andy that Hope is a dangerous thing and can drive a man crazy…in the end though he learns that hope is a good thing.

In this day and age of high unemployment rates, drug wars, bad politics and broken hearts, does hope have a place any more?  Yes, here and now is when it makes the most sense.  We have to have something that motivates us to keep going in the face of challenging times.  Even with all the motivational strategies out there, it all boils down to one thing: Hope.  The hope of a batter life, a better job, of falling in love or obtaining that dream.

The law of Attraction, The Secret, manifesting and even meditation, all lead to hope, and making our hopes turn into reality.  Maybe hope is actually The Secret – or rather not losing it.  And if we do lose hope, where do we find it again?  That is a question that can only be answered be each one of us.  I find hope when I look deep down inside myself…where I am too stubborn to say that life has got me down, even on the worst of days.  It is that place that is all mine; like my own personal cool underground spring.

Maybe that is Mona Lisa’s secret and why she has been smiling all these years.  She has found a way to never lose hope. And maybe that is why so many people have found her so beautiful throughout the ages.

How do you define hope? Is there a poem, phrase or prayer that helps you through tough times? What do you do when it feels like too much? How do you reach out to others—and let them reach out to you? Is there something specific that gives you comfort?

Dating

The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe. Gustave Flaubert

It is that time again. …time for me to step out into the big, wide world of dating. I have spent the last 6 weeks or so in mourning so to speak.  I cared deeply for someone, it did not work out, I took some time. It is time that I move on. Several have said that I will not be single long, and in the past that has definitely been the case. But I want to choose right this time.

My last relationship taught me a lot.  I learned that I do not want to settle for anything less than what makes my heart skip a beat, who makes me feel loved, safe, warm and wonderful.  But I also learned not to trust flash. I like an alpha male who takes control…but actions speak louder than words, and charm needs to go deeper than the epidermus to be of use to me.

And so I am ready to date again. I am ready to kiss and be kissed, thrill  and be thrilled, love and be loved. I am ready to hold and be held, to laugh, to be told I am beautiful. I am ready to be valued for more than just a fill in, I am ready to make someone happy – just me. I am ready to be happy, to trust, for his actions to match his words so I can believe. I am ready to have someone take my hand in theirs, and not care who sees or who knows. I am ready for the possibility of something serious, and returning to the slow burn, instead of being burned by the fast flame. I am ready for slow and steady.

And already, the choice is mine as I look for the one man who is worthy of my loyalty and devotion. And already, love surrounds me, it is everywhere and it is mine for taking. There is not even a need to ask, it is simply there It is summer, it is warm and it is time.

And I whisper….Be gentle to this tender heart as it has been hurt so in the past. But the future is as bright and hopeful as the summer. And promises to be just as fun.

http://youtu.be/KUn-XOQoN3U

The Busy Bee

Things have beenbusy in the House of Ada recently. Responsibilities of a new job, freelance projects, attempting a bit of a social life, doing some internal searching, and keeping rested have proven to fill my dance card this week. And thus not much writing has taken place. Oh, but there are plenty of topics and subjects. Notes have been taken through out the week for things that will be written later. That is one of the things I guess all writers do – write little pieces and snippets of thoughts to be expounded on later, on napkins, tissue, recipes, envelopes, paper towels, note pads and stickies of every size and shape and emails on the phone.

No doubt there will be time to write this weekend. And time for reading, resting, cleaning, helping, loving, playing, drinking and more. This time of year brings to mind one word: Freedom. Freedom from cold temperatures and big bulky sweaters. Freedom to take my shoes off and drive barefoot because it is a pretty day. Freedom for all the windows in the car to be down and the radio to be up, my hair whipping in the wind.

It is time for patio therapy with friends and margaritas, grilling, digging and taking care of my flower garden, glasses of wine on outside tables with laughter and promises. late night talks and conversation of experiences and hopes and dreams for the future. And oh there are many. Time for smiles and winks, shorts, sandals, ponytails, Braves Games, and hiking in the woods. Time to trust.

Yes, this time of year is quite delicious. And I have been isolated for far too long this winter/year/season. Though I still do not look for anyone new, I am enjoying the company of those I already know and cherish. I guess it is the time of year to be a busy bee…pollenating all those places, people, hope and dreams enjoying the sweet sound and smell of all the hard work of the winter and spring. It is time to play…

Chances

The older I get the more I realize life is about taking chances. You must always be curious about life and the world, you must always work hard, you must always believe, pray and have faith. And you must always take chances. Even if those chances fail, at least you took them, at least you took that leap of faith, and at least you tried. And honestly, no matter where you end up, or with whom, it always ends up just the way it should.

And those mistakes? They make you into the into the amazing person you are, and who you will become. Those scars are beautiful to me. They show strength, stamina, hope, the wonder of being human. And those mistakes and chances, you never know where they might take you, the people you might meet along the way and the adventures you may have. Even if the experiences are painful they are yours and are priceless.

Keep friends and loved ones close. Treat your core as sacred, because it is. Only show it to those who will cherish it and you. When you take a chance and it works, those people will be happy for you and celebrate with you. And there are some along the way who will take pleasure when you falter. Ignore them.

But take those chances. Work hard and believe. Believe in yourself and your abilities, believe in life, but mostly believe in love. And when you say I love, make sure you mean it. I have never regretted saying those words, but I have always meant it from the bottom of my heart on the few times I have said it too. And saying it is a leap of faith too. Take the chance. Life is short, and you may may never get the opportunity to say it again. Take the chance to say what you mean, whatever it is. Don’t let words go unspoken, to whomever.

Taking chances can hurt though. It can leave you worn out and wary. But it’s worth it. To take chances and experience everything life has to offer is, in my humble opinion, the only way to honor God and the life He has waiting for you. Be honest to others and true to yourself – always. Take chances and love with all your heart.