The Eve

It is this night, this eve, this moment in time, after which my life will not ever be the same. And on this is eve, there is excitement, fear, happiness and calm. There are lists of things that need to be done, and the desire to just relax and enjoy the fireflies.

It is this eve that marks a new time, a new chapter and new life going forward.  It is an eve to treasure each. and. every. moment. Because this is the last eve that everything will be the same.

And after this eve, I will look back at tonight, and all those that came before, and be thankful for it all, the good and the bad.

And so it, on this eve.

Of Firsts

In our life we all have a lists of firsts – first dates, first kisses, first job…this next month is going to be about several firsts for me. This weekend, my parents are coming up for their first visit to see my first house. Next month I am going to have my first visit with one of my sisters that I am getting to know (I am the youngest of five) and in about a month, there will be some first moments with someone very special who has re-entered into my life.

The great things about firsts is that they exciting. Filled with promise, hope and excitement of the unknown. My Mom and I have been talking and planning this first visit since I first moved into the house. We have so much do together in this new place. She has a green thumb and she is bringing plants and flowers to help me with my gardens and figuring out the landscape of my first yard. There are many conversations to be had, much wine and coffee to drink together.

And I can’t wait for Dad to see my new place. I have a to do list all set up of small projects we can do together while he is here; connecting the water line to the refrigerator, putting up shelves and such. I love working with my Dad. We used to work on small projects with my car, like changing out the break pads. But this is different, this is the first time we will be able to work on projects for my house. There is something wonderful about that, to have those memories of working with him. It’s part of what will make this house a home.

Family means so much to me, and with everything imploding with my closest sister and my parents health not being that good, I released that there were other members of my family that I want to know. The visit with one of my oldest sisters is beyond exciting and there are few words to express the emotions attached. There is so much curiosity and I only wish there was more time to get to know her. I wonder why I waited so long. I should have done this a lot sooner.

And then there is Love. There is another chance, a new chance with someone trusted, known and who knows me, down to my bones. So many years, and yet, the core is still the same. The first time at a second chance. And when we are in the same space, there is a sense of calm, a sense of comfort, a place where I can relax. And in my head I hear what so many have said for years: “There is no need to look. You already know him. He is already there.” I have often said when so many say the same thing, chances are it is true.

And so it is, this season of firsts. As the days get hotter and longer, the air is thick with the promise of the unknown and to move into this season with my parents, sibling and loved one is truly amazing. I knew that 2014 would be a new year of new things, and that the wheels would starting turning once I got into the new house. And indeed all the love I wanted in my life is here and all the dreams are coming to fruition. There is Peace, there is happines, there is a great life right in front of me.

The Peace in the Quiet

We often wish we had some time, just some time to slow down and be quiet. To not rush, have a thousand things to do, what if we could just find the time? And now I have it. I am leisurely hanging out, reading, watching movies and writing. Fact is, this break between the old place and the new is a blessing.

This time has forced me to slow down, take a breath, appreciate and catch up. There is enjoying guilty pleasures like writing, catching up on reading blogs, doing exercises I don’t normally have time to do, cook a few favorite things and just enjoying the slow.

It is the Peace in the quiet. And it is delicious. For someone who is normally feel speed ahead, being in the slow lane is wonderful. Indeed it is the calm before the storm before moving and settling into the new place. That will be a bit of work, and excitement. A new chapter in my life and one I have been working toward for a long time…

But now it is time to relax and enjoy the Peace in the quiet. To rest before the next burst of energy comes. and so it goes. and I am happy.

Feel It

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’ – Erma Bombeck

There is a theory about life that I have had for many years. I think that we go about life rather backwards: We go after the job, the money, the house, the car, the partner that looks good on paper, the clothes, the everything of how we want our life to look. We make a list of accomplishments that we want to do and check off our little to do list. We want to run a marathon, or get that promotion, or buy that bug screen TV…and there is nothing wrong with those things. There is nothing wrong with having goals and accomplishing them. We all need something to work for, do and accomplish.

But how we come to what is on that to do list…well, that is a but backwards. Then when we start crossing things off that list, we are surprised if we do not feel different. So how do you make a list that really matters? How do you build a life that really matters and will lead to happiness? Simple. Justask yourself one question: How do you want your life to feel?

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. – Harvey Fierstein

You may wonder what that has to do with anything. The short answer is everything. If you want a happy, fulfilled, useful life, then you go after what makes you feel happy, useful and fulfilled. Don’t go after a particular job title – unless that job is what makes you happy. How many people do you know who are trapped in a job or career that they hate? You may even be one of them. How many people do you know who love their job and can’t wait to get to work in the morning? Far fewer people, I bet. That’s a shame.

So decide what will make you feel the life you want, and go after those things. Don’t worry about what other people might think. They don’t hav eto live your life, you do.  When I decided to go after the life I wanted to feel, there was an amazing shift and change in my life. I knew that being a writer would make me feel what I wanted to feel. Suddenly things got really clear. No, it wasn’t easy. But don’t let the myth that if it’s supposed to be, then it will be easy. That’s not always the case. Things that are worth working for, are often hard. The hard it what makes it great. And if you really want it, then make a commitment to yourself that you will accomplish it and that failure is not an option.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. – George Bernard Shaw

Since deciding how I wanted my life to feel, I have never looked back. Even when I made a mistake, which I have made many, I just backed up, dusted off and got back up. If people laughed at me, and they have, I ignored them. Life is too short to worry about what others think of you.

So go after how you want your life to feel, and feel it, every bit of it. Soak it in. And don’t be afraid to walk away from that which does not fit. Distance yourself from people, places and things that do not follow how you want your life to be. This takes courage, and that is where it might get a little difficult. But keep in mind that removing what does not work or serve you makes you for that which will.  Keep those who support and encourage you close and never take them for granted.

Live life with passion, love, faith and feeling. What are you waiting for?

Freedom, Stillness and Goodness

A friend of mine and I were discussing this quote last week, and we came to a great conclusion that this is just as true pertaining to people as it is flowers.  Especially when it comes to dating and relationships. It has often been said that the things you may first find enduring in a relationship, is what you may later find annoying. That may be true, but one thing remains: You cannot change someone else. If you fall in love with them, then try to change them, they are no longer that person with whom you fell in love. But many have a tendency to do this. There is even a play called “I love you, Your Perfect, Now Change” that illustrates this perfectly.

If you fall in love (or even in like) with someone who is a free spirit, or is fiercely independent, self sufficient and very defiant of anyone who tries to control them, then don’t try to tame that spirit. For it is beautiful. Someone who cannot be controlled, who goes with their faster than another’s wishes, or who plays by their own rules…if that is what fascinated you about them, then let them shine. To try to change them would kill the very thing that makes them beautiful to you.

I have often said that I cannot live in captivity, I will not be tamed. I am free. It is just a matter of finding the one with whom I can run.

“Maybe some women weren’t meant to be tames. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.”

A Moment

It is the rush of the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, dinners, decorating and family get-togethers. It is a time that we seem to rush around, hardly time to do anything besides get to the next thing we have to do. And this holiday season seems to be busier than those past.

But last night I took a walk in my quiet little neighborhood. I listened to the silence of the evening, looked at the lights and Christmas decorations that were around. There were children playing in the distance, laughing and running. I thought about my life, and the past year. All of the ups and downs, all of the events that made it 2013.

And through all of it all, there have been so many blessings woven in, even the bad times. I just needed some time and space to see them. And isn’t that how it always is? Things always seem to work out for the best, and end up just as they should. We just may not ever be able to predict the road that gets us there.

This year I have seen love, loss, heartache, joy, anger, Peace, struggles, having money, being poor, letting go, hanging on, breathing in, cleaning out and rising up .I have supported my family and had others support and help me. When I think back at just what has happened in the past year, it’s almost overwhelming to think of it all.

But I am so very thankful for being here, right now, in this place. It’s been a long road, but Bliss is all around. And it had taken a lot of work. Many think that happiness just lands in a persons lap. It doesn’t. It’s a decision you make and re-make every day. Work you do to keep it every day. But it’s worth it, to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

So this holiday season, take .a moment. Pause and reflect. Eve for those for whom the holidays are difficult, take pause and look around. When you do, I promise you will see wonderful things around you . No matter where you are, it could be worse, but it’s not. And the good thing is if you feel like you are at the bottom, there is now where to go but up.

Take a moment, see the lights and the decorations. Enjoy the cold crisp air. Notice the energy of others around you. Enjoy your favorite TV shows, some hot tea, or a warm bowl of soup. Because it’s the small things that add up to making a good life. But we must take time to appreciate them.

So take a moment.

No Regrets

I have no regrets, looking back on the landscape if this year, in this life. I have no regrets on what I have done and what has been left undone.

There are no words that haunt me, spoken or kept still. No actions that trouble my soul, no undone thrill.

There are no tears that have been dried or kept at bay, or escaping down my cheek from rims of wide weary eyes, that partake in regret.

No longing set free, no feelings left unturned. There is nothing to look back upon, and wish another way for me.

And as I look back, standing at the edge of this year, this long, hard, undone, overdone year, there is nothing that makes me want a other walk down the path or choose another road than the one I have traveled.

There has been compassion and contention, love, discord, pain and happiness. More joy than one can hold, more sorrow than one should endure. There have been sacrifices and giving of self, hiding, finding, sipping and devouring…it all.

I am all of it, every bit. The complete all of it, the unfinished of it, the breadth and depth of it. I am glad for it all, the good bad and the big and small.

I have no regrets waking up with you, all of you and your deals, wet from us and warm with skin on mine. No regrets of swimming, riding with my bare feet on the dash or taking a shower in the rain. No regrets sitting, listening to drops on the tin roof, in your little place. No regrets of you at all.

No regrets for fighting for family and what is right. None for being brave, saying what is felt and what should have been said long ago. No regrets for the love and loss of the year as it has passed.No regrets for the mistakes and lessons learned.

There has been hard work, harder play and many things let go this year. I carried the map of my life with every. Single. Heartbeat. And you were there too. Yes you.

Books have been read, put down and some left unfinished. Thoughts written down and lost or erased from time. And still, no regrets. Nooks and crannies have been explored, many prayers said and blessing given. Dreams have come to fruition, nightmares have been banished beneath the cloak of in in which they came.

I have carried this heart, heavy with sorrow and joy, across this country, in cars, in airplanes, in boats, up on a horse in hiking trails, in the woods, in the city, to work, to run, in water, in the anonymity of the night, and the harsh light of day.

This year, this 12 months, I have been the judge and jury, been judged and done the judging, been right, wrong, black, white and gray. I have laid it all out and picked up the deck.

And at the end of this year, this moment in my life, there is Peace. There is happiness. Mostly because, all because, you have been in my heart.

Falling for Fall

It is Fall here in the south. The weather is turning cooler, with the highs in the low 80’s and high 70’s. At night the air is crisp and cool, promising the cold of the winter to come. In a word, it is delicious. I love this time of year. The air-conditioning gets turned off and the windows or up at night, as the cooler temperatures makes sleeping under a warm blanket a wonderful experience…until you try to get out of bed the next morning. Car rides have the windows down and the radio up, as the cool fall air mixes with  the warm sun to make the perfect recipe for road trip.

The fall festivals have already started, and the leaves are beginning to turn colors. The air is light and fresh, as  are the spirits of those around. Yes, it is fall, yummy, cool, promising, busy and fun. This weekend was a great taste of what is to come.

Family is a big part of my life. My youngest nephew came up with his girlfriend to explore and go to see a concert. Leaving us boring adults behind, they went shopping, eating, concert going and had much fun just being together. But I suspect we boring old people had much more fun.

Friday night were “crack tots” and beer with friends. Crack tots, true to their name, are highly addictive. You cannot just have one of these delicious tots dipped in equally addictive cheese sauce.  Thank goodness they have no calories either (at least that is what I tell myself as I devour them). Later that night my nephew and his girlfriend arrived, and there was much laughter and love.

Saturday was crazy busy, as once again the two lovebirds went out looking for cool things to do in Atlanta. Breakfast was cooked, more laughter and lots of activity around the Burch household. Then it was time for the adults to play, as we planned a fun time downtown. A friend of mine has a brother who bought a favorite bar, so we went down for the celebration. And we celebrated a lot. There were hugs of friend that I had not seen for a=years, laughter, catching up, eating and drinking. There was great live music, an old bank vault filled with everything Elvis, dancing and lots of Johnny Cash. There were pictures and smiles, and of course, several times I nearly tripped.

Sunday brought about sleeping late, brunching and lots of laughter and love

And I have to say that I am falling in love…with this season, and these weekends, and my family, and this time, these moments, in life. I am falling for Fall. And it is wonderfully delicious!

To Love and Be Loved

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  ― Lao Tzu

More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.

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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different  loves and all the different levels.

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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?

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This is where I find myself to day.  as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.

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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.

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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.

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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.

Last Days

So here it is, the last day of the month. The last day of the Thankfulness exercise.  You should be thankful every day, for all the gifts you have and take for granted. But this has been a great exercise, to make a conscience effort, every day, to be thankful for something, then take the time to write it down. It has been fun, I have learned much and I walk away more aware than I was before. And for the last days:

Day 29, Well Being: These days there is just a general sense of well being all around. I am aware of how luck and blessed I am,for so much in my life. And a sense of well being is not to be taken for granted, and I have done that in the past. When you go through hard times, you loose that sense, and when you gain it back again, months later, you are very aware of it. And I am thankful.

Day 30, my body: I am very thankful for my body. I have made great use of it,m and it has been of great service to me. I have taken this body through so much. I have abused it, fed it poorly, given it little rest, and yet it has never failed me. I have put this body on top of a horse, on boats, across miles of running and walking paths, over mountains and rainy days, pushed it up stairs when it was tired and sore, traveled to difference continents, lifted tons of weight, carried broken hearts, the souls and of dead, the darkness of fears and the light of hope. I have poundedthe pavement with this body, cried an ocean of endless tears, been cold, hungry, restless and with every heart beat, my body has given me more than I would have ever thought. This body carried my hope, dreams, thoughts, love, disappointments, joy, laughter, mischief, sadness, madness, my spirit, intellect and that that is light and dark within me. It is truly marvelous.

Hike of Ages

“Sometimes you have to work at Peace, you have to go and get it.  Do what you have to do to find it.”

“In life, you aren’t expected to be sure, you’re expected to pay attention.”

Watching one of my favorite movies as I edit the photos – Spanglish.  Beautifully acted, written and shot. Great subtleties. The conversation of a lifetime…

The hike today was deeply what I needed. To be out once again in nature, the air, the everything.  I did the hike 3 times…the first time, I took my time and took pictures, enjoying the scenery. The second I pushed myself and my body past the burning muscles and scream thighs. I wanted to yell but instead I just pushed on. I will not quit, I will not stop, I will not break…my will pushing me onward. I ran up the stairs and my body told me I couldn’t but I said I could. The third time was the hardest and I took rest and breaks as my body needed. I listened to my body, weary, tires, shaky legged. But I pushed on anyway, gently coaxing my legs to keep going up the steps.

And each time, as I struggled to reach the top, shaky legged, unsure, weak and weary, I felt the cool wind hit my face and body and felt relief and pride that I had done it. And then after resting briefly, wondered what all the hardship was about? And isn’t it the same in life I suppose? When we are in the middle of it, we wonder just how we can make it through, but then when we have, we wonder why we ever doubted ourselves.

And the hike also taught me just a bit more about patience.

How having been outside, in nature, in the fresh air and pushing my body past what I though it could do, there is a sense of pride and accomplishment. There was also a sense of joy. And there is a spring in my very tires step.

I took lots of pictures, the leaves had already peaked, but they were still beautiful. And I took pictures of people (most of which are not being published). And I wonder who they are what they are going through today, why they are here, what their stories are, what makes them happy or sad, or in love.

I also took pictures of old sheds, roads, flowers and such I saw on the way there.  I did feel bad for whoever happened to be behind me as I pulled over several times to run out and take a picture. I really need to take that photography course. Enjoy!

Falcon on view

Leaves

Me at the Falls today

Flowers

The reflection and fishing pond at the falls

The reflection and fishing pond at the falls

The reflection and fishing pond at the falls

Resting…

A boy plays in the stream

A mother and daughter

A family swinging at the top of the falls

Old ladies talking

A cute couple hiking

The road less traveled

Another shed

A shed

A shed

One of the confusing signs…which way is the Visitor Center?

Islands in the stream

Beautiful table pavilion where many picnics have taken place.

The 425 steps

Tree

Weeping Willow

Fall Leaves

Fall Leaves

Fall Leaves

Trees

Fall leaves

Trees

Fall Leaves

Fall Leaves

Leaves on fire

 

Perfect

And we were prefect.

As we stumbled through it all. We were trusting and weary

We were slow, deliberate, cautious, fast, we were fearful of our own curiosity and need, Want and illusions.

We surprised each other. We were weary of each other. We were excited  and torn by each other.

We were looking for each other, crack by crack, bone by bone, inch by inch.

We wanted to believe in each other, not quite knowing each other, but filling in the spaces with our own developments and experiences.

We were drunk in our love and lust for each other, making love in the mornings or by the moonlight. Perfect in our longing, balanced in our time and our space. Arms, legs, hands, holding on and letting go. Moments perfectly enterwined with memoires, leading down a yellow brick road.

We laughed and confessed, but not quite everything, late night on the pillows and in familiar comfortable arms. Visiting those sacred places together, as we felt with our hearts a long the way.

We drove and ate, laughed and cried, we went miles around the planet, going nowhere, sitting on the couch. We talked of plans and thoughts, and Bar B Q.

We were sheets tangled, we were flushed, we were awake and alive at sunrise, bodies warm, we were arched, and folded in, our hearts stained in kisses. We were long looks and smiles, we were hope.

We were broken hearts, and breathless lust, we were perfectly imperfect, exploring our worlds within each other, learning, stumbling, hoping, loving, running, playing, smiling, hoping

We were sunsets and lighting bugs, long hugs and short messages. We were.

We fought, and we were both too weak with love to win, and so we lost and conquered each other’s heart instead.

And now we are no more.

Avoiding Love is Finding Hell

A passage from C.S.Lewis from his book The Four Loves:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one,     not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it. What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.

.Aaron Manley Smith wrote: “The hard part I’ve had to learn, as a man, when we truly love someone, is that, there comes a moment when we have to choose to humbly and peacefully take the beating because they need something to beat and you’re the only thing that will take it and turn it into the love they so desperately need and have been denied…”

Love is a word that inspires and haunts us. It is one of the most powerful things that drives us in our lives – love of a partner, of friends, the love of a parent to a child. What would we not do for love?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Or maybe I do. I will not become bitter, even in the throws of a broken heart. I will not close myself up, I will not put myself in the “casket” of Hell. The same love that God gives to me, flows through me and it must not stop there. It must be given to others – friends, family, and children. Contrary to the fairy tales, love is not always easy. It should not always be hard, but it often is. Because we are, as humans, imperfect and jagged. And we will inevitable hurt each other.

I prayed for something larger and bigger than myself to build. Something that was more important than just me. I had no idea how God might choose to put it in my life to answer that prayer, but at the cornerstone of it, I think, is Love.

But it is not easy, and it is not going to be easy. I face many hardships, questions and struggles in the future. Can I do this? Myself? Maybe I can’t, but Love can. Love will find a way. And on those days when I feel like I can’t, when my knees are shaking, my heart breaking, my soul hurting, Love can carry me though.

I must trust that love will find it’s way into my cracks and crevices, to make me stronger, as rusted and ragged as I currently feel.

Like one of my best Friends Rex writes of those hard times, they lead to a rich life, with love, heartache, the good, bad and ugly. But it is real and it is what life is all about. And I would rather take a chance at loving someone and live a life of those missed opportunities, even when it doesn’t work, than be so closed up and untrusting, that I miss the greatest loves of my life. For that is no life at all.

And when you love someone, you allow them their days and their faults. I have seen this with my own parents, married 45 years in November, There have been times when my father was angry, and lashed out at my mother, and vise-versa. When you love, you absorb those faults as if they are your own, because you love. You give, you take, you absorb, you love. You don’t get scared because some views or opinions are different than yours. If everything was the same, it would be very boring. And if it is that shallow, then it is not love at all. For love is deep.

As long as the core values are the same – family, faith, partnerships, morals, integrity – then that is half the battle. The other half is finding someone who will accept you faults and who you do not mind “taking a beating from” as Aaron Manley Smith says. Because you are open to love and getting hurt is part of it. If you are open to the joy, then you must be open to the pain. It is as it must be, there is not one without the other. No one is perfect. We all have bad days, we all get into fights, we all have doubts, some days more than others.

And on those other days, it must be love that carries us through. Love for ourselves, love for another, love for friends, love for family, love for children

And we carry that love in our hearts and in our soul:

i carry your heart with me

By e e cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Definition

What defines us? As people? As humans? As individuals?  I don;t think that there is one thing that can define a person, as we are all multi-layered and complex. Flawed.  Good and bad.  We are, in fact, made up of may definition, just as we are made up of many parts. As just as our parts, we are for more rich that just the sum…because along with all of our parts and definitions, there is an intangible quality that is brought with the whole of us.

That which defines us, is liquid. It can change at any time, because we ourselves, are so multifaceted that we may also seem liquid. The Truth is, it just depends on which angle and light from which you catch the view.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a lover, a co-worker, a girlfriend, an enemy, a stranger, a driver, an actor, a model, a girl, an American, a Southerner, and human, a sing-in-the-shower-er, a klutz, a romantic, a procrastinator, a spectator…and too many more too list. Ands what you see me as, depends as much as your view as it does the angle in which you see me.

There are things in my life, that I have done, in which I am proud, and there are things I have done which I am ashamed. I have gone back and read the hand-written story of my life in the pages of my journal, in my own handwriting, and cried, been proud, been terrified, been ashamed, been happy and been sad at what I read. There are times I really wanted to know the person in those pages, and times when I hated her. And they are all what defines me…and more.

And maybe that is it, our definition is a combination of our experiences, thoughts, beliefs, personality, views and opinions, as well as all those of what others think and view of us. Certainly there is not a single person who is liked or loved by everyone. And who one person would say is a saint, certainly someone else may say is the devil. It all depends on the definition others see us by as well.

But maybe the most important definition is that which we give to ourselves. And tat which we strive to reach. I want top be better. I strive to be less defensive, more open, have more Grace and patience, have more compassion. I pray that I worker harder and be more engaged and a better friend to those who love me. And work hard to e a better writer and deeper explorer of the human condition. And I strive to reach more depth of understanding in my dealing and comprehension of others.

And I pray, that I never stop adding definitions of who and what I am.

Chances, Changes and Superman Returns

There is nothing like dating a superman. A man who is sexy, funny, smart, helpful, a gentleman, but can still make your scream, compassionate, mature, intelligent, good looking, crafty, handy, snuggly, romantic, talented…in essence, the whole package. The kind of man that you say you want when you are a little girl, and wonder if still exists when you are an adult.  There is nothing like being smitten and there is nothing like having another chance and working things through. And sometimes that means taking chances and making changes.

Taking chances for me in being vulnerable and exposing raw emotions, being brutally honest with myself and others.  And what is so great is that, even though it has taken me a little while to build up the courage, there has been respect, compassion and understanding waiting for me. It is a truly amazing thing that has renewed a very weary soul and jaded outlook.

Making changes is taking the time to truly slow down and absorb. It is putting my money where my mouth is when it comes to giving compassion and asking for the gift of Grace.  You cannot just ask for these things when you pray, you have to actively seek them out and practice them. As with all novices, I may be bad at it in the beginning…but I will keep on trying, until I have Grace that is a reflection of God, or at least I will come as close to it as I can. But it is hard. I must first seek to have a true understanding of Grace — what is is, what it means, what it looks like and how it moves, in order to have it and give it.

Another change is to stop being so defensive. Being defensive, if I am truly honest,  comes from fear and insecurity.  Fear of being judged and insecurity that people will not like what they see and walk away. Everyone fears those things to some extent. Especially when mistakes have been made, or you feel ashamed of some decisions that were made, or outcomes from those decisions. And when we are defensive, we block the love, patience and compassion that are extended to us from others, rejecting their very wonderful gift. Not being defensive, I also suspect, is another aspect of having Grace.

So while I am truly drowning in the wonderfulness of my Superman, I am also busy joyfully working on taking chances and making changes. Life is delicious and it is up to me to keep it that way. I want to slow down and be still. I want to enjoy each. Little. Moment. Drink it up and savor it, so that nothing of this time slips by or is forgotten.  I want to do all those wonderful domestic things that make a house a home. I want to be fully engaged in my life. And I want the Grace to make sure those I love feel at home where ever they are with me.

What gives you Peace will make you happy. And where there is Peace, there is love.

Let Go and Exhale

It is a term that we here quite often. Let go. Just breath and let go. Exhale. It is letting go of control of a situation and letting is develop as it will. We all know that is what we are supposed to do in life. Do what we can, then let go and let it happen.

For me this is very hard to do as I am just not used to it. I have to be very assertive in  my life – I am a writer and any contracts I get or freelance jobs I do, I am the one who must go out and get them.  And when I get a great corporate contract, I  must be assertive to get my job done. Learn fast, write it well, talk to SME’s.

And even in my family, I am the doer. They depend on  me to find out the information, to get to the bottom of whatever to is, they rust me to take care of it. And I do. Add to this the fact that I have been on my own for 20 years now. Everything I have , I have had on my own. I am determined. And in my life it has been that if I don’t do it, it won;t get done.

So, how in my personal life, can I just let go? And not do or assert?

I don’t know. I am learning and trying it now. But it is hard. It takes trust…trust in those around you, trust in God and Faith in Him. I takes Grace.  It takes patience. And I am a patient woman, as long as I know it will all turn out the way I want. But when I don’t know is when it’s hard. But then we get to a point where we must exhale. We have been holding our breath and holding on…and then we must let go. We say our prayers and put in in God’s hands.

But letting go does not mean walking away. Quite the contrary. It just means you recognize that you cannot force the heart. So you let go, pray, hope, have patience and Grace. And you know, eep down, that all is as it should be.

When You Care

“That’s what every relationship should be like. That you could go through one of the worst things that could happen to anyone, and still have your partner unquestionably support you.”  – Taylor Morris

When you are about someone, you act a certain way toward them. You are there for them when they are scared, lonely, sad or going through a rough time. You are there for them when they are happy, excited, joyful and successful too. And they, in a perfect world, are there for you too in return.

And that is what you do when you care for each other; you are there for each other. And I am very lucky with the wonderful friends I have in my life.  So many of them have called, text messaged, emailed and Facebooked, making sure I am OK, asking if I need anything, if I want them to come over and stay with me so I can sleep better, or offering to let me stay with them and sleep.

They are there if I want to talk, or if I just don’t want to be alone. And even when I don’t need anything, there they are, letting me know that they care, that they are thinking of me and that they are around if I do need anything.

Even though I am strong and tough, I am human. I am dealing with a tough situation. And I am blessed to have so many wonderful people who care about me, who are there for me, who understand you can be strong, and still need.

And that can be a misconception sometimes it seems. That strong people never need anything.  That strong people are never afraid. That strong people never get spooked, that strong people never cry. That strong people can just be left alone and do not require any kind of care. That strong people never need to be held. That strong people do not need comfort and succor. That strong people do not need compassion and understanding and empathy.

Yes, strong people do.

It is very hard for me to ask for help, always has been. And these wonderful people in my life offer help without me having to ask. That is Grace.

So thank you for all those wonderful friends. Thank you for your love and your support.

I Want to Kiss You

I want to kiss you
In the rain, with the drops
Falling all over and in between
Us as your lips are against mine.

I want to kiss you
in the middle of the night,
Sleepy eyed, opened heart,
Moonlight shining in our eyes

I want to kiss you
In the monrning
As the sun rises and a
New day starts in the world

I want to kiss you
On the couch while
Snuggling and watching TV
The cat purring in our laps

I want to kiss you
In a ball park
Maybe on the kiss cam
For all the world to see

I want to kiss you
Feel you breath mix with mine
And your arms around me
Tight, keeping me safe

I want to kiss you,
In the moonlight,
Under the stars, hearing the crickets
Along with the fireflies

I want to kiss you
In the mountains
On top of the world,
Because that is how you make me feel

I want to kiss you
Sweet and softly
Passionately, knowingly
Until we cannot kiss any more

But mostly,
I just want to kiss you.
Here and Now

 

Spring Fever and Fall Momentum

This summer has been so hot, with triple digits or close, for several months. Now, in September, it is starting to cool off. Highs during the day in the low 80’s, lows at night in the 60’s. Finally cool enough to fall asleep at night with the windows open. I feel like I have not only had to endure being cooped up inside all winter, then for this almost unbearable hot summer. I moved the Dreadmill treadmill out of the garage and inside in front of the fireplace (it’s not like I’ll need fireplace).

Tired of staring at the walls and itching to be outside, I decided to take a hike.

Driving listening to Simon and Garfunkle, which is perfect tree hugging, nature loving, go hiking music. The drive was a little over an hour outside of Atlanta, windows down, radio up, my longish hair with the wind blowing through it. It was perfect. When I was younger I would drive just for the joy of it, when gas was less than $1 a gallon. I once drive 1000 miles in one day.  And so I drove into the country, passing intersections with names like Settledown Road and Knockem Out Drive. Past old sheds and antiques stores, past Bar-B-Q eats and places to buy country jellies and jams. Past the pumpkin patches, horse farms and pastures.

I have been to some of the most wonderful restaurants like The 4 Seasons and Ritz Carlton, been flown in private jets to little islands…but the one place that gives me the most peace is being out in nature. Trees, birds..it is life. I have lived in NYC and Atlanta, but the best place in the world is the country.  And what better way to honor God on a Sunday?

And so I arrived at this wonderful spot, one of my favorite places to hike, Amicalola Falls. And I hiked, I saw birds and bugs, trees, flowers, streams and water falls. And I saw God. And while I walked I saw the wonder of my life. All the little miracles, small though significant, in the world. And I was grateful.

And as I hiked, I let it all go. All the hurt and disappointment of the past. All the fear of the future. All the insecurities, the doubts, the heart-wretching anxiety. I let it all go, as I huffed up the steep hills, ignoring the burning in my calves. I let it all go, all that I had carried.  All the heartbreak with my Dad and his health, all the legal stress, all the work worries, all the relationship issues, all the tears, all the everything that can never be written or read.

Anyone who has hiked Amicalola Falls is familiar with the trail leading up to the top…and the 600 steps to get there. Yes, that’s 600. As in 175 steps on the first pass, 425 on the second pass. So, after hiking steeply uphill for a mile, I hiked up those 600 steps. I am a runner, and I ran 2 miles just the night before, but these steps were a challenge. But there is something delicious in pushing your body. And indeed, as my thighs burned, sweat dipping down in parts I forgot I had, and breathing hard, I went up, and up, and up higher still.  Determined, I pushed forward, determined to push the “I can’t do this” out of my head.

And I shed the layers of all I was holding onto. It was as if I unzipped myself and walked out. And when I reached the top, winded and out of breath, I somehow felt lighter. And indeed I was. Looking out at the top, feeling the wind against my skin, breathing the fresh air and feeling the warm sunshine, I was giddy in the fact that I had made it, shaky legs and all.

Needless to say, hiking back down was much easier than the way up, which is almost always the case in life. I went down those 600 steps without tripping, even once, which for those who know me, is almost unbelievable. And I have decided that this Fall, there should be many hiking trips, fall festivals, pumpkins and fresh air.

And so it is with this fall season. The year is wrapping up and after climbing treacherous hills and mountains, I am finally on the journey down. I can finally start to relax and let the lightness of letting go carry me downhill. Trust, comfort, love, Family, Faith, patience, compassion and kindness carry me. And slip my hand into another to share in the wonderful momentum of Fall.

Within Our Own Imperfections

I’m learning that within our own imperfections we find the greatest truths, unconditional love, appreciation and a mirror of who we really hope to be on the inside on good and bad days. – Jennifer Jo Clark Singleton

I have long written about our faults, how they make us beautiful, human, complicated, deep and of course, flawed. One of the things these imperfections also do is help us find those greatest truths, not only about ourselves, but others in our lives. Within our own flaws, we can see a deeper.

It’s easy for others to like us and even for us to like ourselves on the good days. But what about the bad days? Those days when we know we are short tempered, overly emotional, angry, irritable, impatient and just bitchy. When we are tired, hurt, frazzed, discouraged, insecure and un-pretty. Those days when we really want to be the super hero we try to be, but just can’t seem to find the energy.  We are human and that is not always pretty.

Those people who love us anyway see us on a deeper level, because they see us even when we are not proud of ourselves. It’s all part of really getting to know someone, faults and all, from the inside out, from the soul to the toes. When we see that person is not perfect, they suddenly become real and are no longer 2-demensional. They are suddenly human, like us. Within our own imperfections we find God, Grace, compassion, comfort and healing.

I am going to have those bad days, as are you and everyone else in the world. Because we are human. We will lose our tempers, say the wrong things, lash out and just get irritable. Then we think about what was done or said and find our deeper selves. We feel remorse, and we apologize. we rebuild, we re-trust. We try and in trying, we become better – on those good days and even when we fall short on the bad days.

Within our imperfections, we strive to be better.

And within our flaws we can realize our dreams as well. We strive and work hard  toward making the “Me” we want to be, with the lives we want to have, reality.

I want to take long walks down roads and trails with yellow and red leaves. I want to make delicious meals in a big kitchen with an island. I want to have friends over and drink wine on the deck or patio. I want a yard in which children can play and I want laughter and love running down a hallway leading into bedrooms full of toys and fairy tales. And I want someone with which to share those wonderful things. Someone to laugh with, kiss at midnight and talk into the early hours. Someone whose flaws I can live with, and who can somehow, see the deeper treasure in the real 3-dementional me.

So I strive, everyday to be better. And when I fall short, as I will, I find comfort in the compassion and understanding of the hand that takes mine, the voice that says it is OK, the smile that re assures me that being human is just fine because I am in good company. And as I look in the mirror, as I look out to my friends and loved ones, and see them bare souled with imperfections too, I know it is true.

 

Calm After the Storm

We all have those times where the waters are so rough, you would think you are about to face a tsunami. Last week was that week for me. It was a rough week punctuated with ripple effects, lots of tears, high emotions and personal struggles not to be written about in a public forum. It was a week of learning, feeling, losing and gaining. Heartache multiplied and returned to me in Joy a thousand times over.

And then, this week, this day, there is calm. There is calm as I take a breath and take rest and refuge in the love of those who have sent encouragement, love, support, kindness, compassion, thoughts and prayers. As I let myself rest, closing my eyes and feeling the soft lull of the calm waves of life beneath me, I am so very thankful.

Thankful for the many blessings I have been given this week and last. Celebrating my father’s 76^th birthday, when just a short while ago we thought we would lose him forever. My mother’s health returning, the legal struggle against my crazy ex finally coming to a close, seeing wonderful dear friends, feeling their arms around me in a true embrace that says I love and miss you, another promotion, another project, sincere hugs, soft hopefull kisses and a heartfelt reconciliation, are just a few things on the list of which to celebrate and be thankful.

And tonight, as I lay down to rest, and sleep takes me, I will dream soft sweet dreams of the future, of smiles, of laughter, of love, of friendship, of life. And I will enjoy basking in the sun of the calm after the storm.

And in this calm, a life will be built that is strong enough to endure the next storm when it comes ashore.

Time for the Weekend

We all need time to play, and this weekend was that time for me.  The past few months have been emotional due to learning of my father’s health. As a family, as an individual and as a daughter, I am slowly processing and dealing with the news, what it means for the family, our life, my Dad and our family.

And no matter how great the day, it is always there somewhere in the background. I have been trying to work out more, for health reasons and to reduce stress. Running is great and I can just listen to the music and let my legs carry me away and work the stress out as I sweat, strain and push my body past what it thinks it can do. Then I can put the wrist wraps and gloves on to box after a good run. I can punch away as the questions about the future run through my mind. By the time I am done, the stress has been worked out of my body and it is exhausted.

But this weekend it was time to put all the worries and stressors away, even for just a few days, and just enjoy. It was cloud nine with great food, laughter, funny moment, tender times, music, thoughts, stories and the sweet embrace of safety. And for just a few days, the world went away, faded in the far away places below as I sat floating on the clouds. I breathed in fresh air, sweet with his fragrance, looked out at the sunny landscape in front of me, and enjoyed being spoiled.

Yes, we all need a time of play. It is all in the balance of life, a time to work, a time to play. To everything there is a time.

 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Work and Play

I am a writer. And I get the biggest thrill saying that I am a professional writer. Five years ago I never would have thought this would be my profession, even though I had already been writing for over 20 years.  And now I get paid for it, am considered an expert even (and of course I am).

And so brings me to my current contract. I am writing all the content for the web pages of a particular section. And it is huge. I am working with the website developers, designers, business analysts, Content Managers, Project managers product managers and more. So much of this project depends on and concerns content, so there are many meetings, all day long. The past two days have been meetings from 9-5.

I am the person on the fringe of the meeting. Hear someone typing away on the keyboard? That’s me writing the content for the next phase of the website that we are going over in the next meeting.  And I am also considered the subject matter expert in many of the meetings (which is nice). And I can often be heard answering questions on context, grammar, punctuation and even spelling (I can hear you laughing).

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We all need to play, especially when life gets a bit heavy. We all need a time and a space to just relax. This weekend promises to be a weekend of fun and play, which after the news of my father’s health, I could use. A little escape so wo speak.

And speaking of little escapes, a trip out of town should happen soon, just not sure yet where to go.  Abeach maybe? Or a big city? Or maybe even in the mountains. Someplace where much fun can be had…

Let’s Review: Slow and Steady

In life and well as love, slow and steady is truly the best way to go. Bad things happen when it’s fast and furious. That slow burn is wonderful and lasts a lot longer than the quick fire that burns itself out seemingly over night, as bright and as dazzling as it is at first – it is not sustainable. But what exactly does slow and steady mean?

Slow is defined as Taking or requiring a long time; proceeding at a low-speed.  Put simply, it means spending time with someone and keeping it simple. Take a girl out, talk to her, take her to do fun things, find out what makes her laugh (and I don’t mean tickling her either). I mean what makes her smile? What makes her giggle? What makes her break out into a full belly laugh? And taking her out does not have to be anything expensive. It’s summer, take her a music festival, a museum, a lake, a Bar-B Q, a movie, a park, take her hiking. Show her who you are too, what makes you laugh and smile? She wants to know.

Any man can sweep a girl off her feet in a quick storm, but it takes talent to keep a girl interested over time. The art of seduction is an art. A real seduction takes time because it is not just a physical seduction, it’s emotional, mental and spiritual as well.  A true Alpha male can take his time and he knows it. And when you can find a man who will take his time, then, only after he has earned her trust, he can throw her down and take her like Christian Grey…well, that is a man worth keeping. Guys, that is what a girl REALLY wants. But you have to move slow to get her there.

Slow is NOT:  insisting a woman trusts you right off the bat when you have done nothing to show her you can be trusted. It is not sleeping with a woman on the 2nd, or even 3rd date. How about working for it guys? And girls, any man who baulks at the idea of working for your virtue is not worth the time is takes to slam the door in his face.  Sex with a woman is a gift. Treat it like that guys.

Steady is being consistent and dependable. Want to really impress a girl? Show her you can be reliable and that she can depend on you. Actually show her that and you will be her hero. And we all know guys love to be a woman’s hero. Want to know another secret? Guys, she really wants to depend on you. She wants to know that you will be there, and that you can be a rock.  So she already wants it guys, all you have to do is deliver.

To show a girl you are dependable and reliable –  Actions speak louder than words, make sure they match and you will show her she can trust you…and give her the time it takes for her to see.  Trust is earned. And any man who baulks at having to earn a woman’s trust is not worth the time it takes to shave our legs.  And anything worth while is worth working hard for. Men love a challenge, so guys, consider this your challenge if you want her.

What being dependable, reliable and steady is NOT? If you confuse a girl with mixed signals, guys you just might as well slam the door in your own face and save her the trouble. A girl is not going to put up with that for long. It’s also not saying one thing and doing another. It’s not telling her about the other women you like or are seeing. It is not not answering emails, text messages and phone calls. That is called playing games, and game players are not dependable.

I want a man who is slow and steady, because I want that slow burn. In the past I have been fooled by the fast flash of the hot fire that burns its self out overnight. No more. If you want to be in my life, you must be dependable and consistent.

What if you have messed up on the slow and steady? It is probably not too late to show her you can do it.  Just start over, take your time and give her time to see that she can trust you. It is a winning formula no matter what. So good luck!

The Balance Between the Shades of Grey

As I read through the book 50 Shades of Grey, not only does it take me an a journey of the story, but of my own discovery and thoughts as well. Though the book is very sensual and erotic, Christian Grey is very damaged, and his constant need for control is quite disturbing. While the idea of a man being dominant and not afraid to take charge is enticing…I realize that I could not do it.

Throughout the story you see that the man who always has to be in control like that is not strong, but actually very weak and incapable of living a normal life. You see his desperation and dysfunction. The girl in the book who is narrating the story longs to touch him, hold him, run her fingers through his hair. Yet he does not allow it. Now only for the control, but because he is incapable of such love and intimacy.

What I want is a man who can be my equal, my partner. I want to be cherished, not owned. I want to be told I am beautiful, and have that person mean it. And while all that is talked about in the book is fun every now and then, the bottom line, nothing beats genuine intimacy. And when two people have a genuine connection, none of that stuff is truly needed. Maybe to spice things up ever now and then, but if a man needs to be in total control every time – that is a huge red flag. To be caressed, cherished, kissed passionately, deeply, slowly, sweetly…is wonderful.

A man who has to be in total control like that will not let it end in the bedroom. And that is not something I could abide. Yes, it is true that I have been on my own for 20 years now and want a man who can come in and take over and give me a break so I can rest for a bit. But I also want a man that can truly be a partner. I already have a father and I don’t need another. But I do need and want a partner, someone who can keep up, someone who will want one day to be a husband and father, and to build a life with much love and laughter.

Women want both – the strong, sexy, brooding, take you now and be in total control moments, and we also want and need, the romance and intimacy. A balance of both is what is key. While a man throwing you down and having his way is hot…a man who can only do that is not a man in which I am interested. That dynamic, while sexy, is not conducive to a functional relationship. A man that can do both, cherish and take when the moment strikes is one to be cherished in return.

Over You

I woke up this morning with a light heart. I wondered why I felt so good, so light and happy. I hummed while I got dressed excited about the beautiful day ahead. And as I went about my day, doing tasks, enjoying the sun and breeze, listening to great music, it dawned on me that I was over you.

The thought of you no longer tortures me. I no longer miss you or long to hear your voice. The residue your presence left on my life, my mind and my heart, has been washed away by an ocean of tears. Peace remains. The life we would have shared would not have been my own, but yours, borrowed and frayed. I deserve to share a life of Our Own.

There is no remorse, there are no regrets. Loving and giving of your self is never a mistake.  But I move on now, smarter, stronger, better than I was before. And I have you to thank. A smile reaches my lips when I think of the memories of the man who woke me from my slumber. You were that gift to me. And it is how you will be remembered. But the memories are all that  remain in the day and the night. And I have new memories to make.

So if you were to ask that question, after some scotch, I would smile, lovingly touch your arm and kiss your cheek. And walk away. I wish you much love and happiness, wonderful man who woke me up, and leave you with the life of your choosing. And as I walk away, I look forward to my life, new and refreshed. I told you I could live a very happy life either way. And I meant it.

Thank you for your time. It was lovely indeed. And now this time is mine and I shall not waste any more of it.

A Dose of Hope

Hope is defined as a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. It is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.  When times get tough, many say that it is Hope, Love and Faith that get them through.

Hope has a very rich history that dates back Greek mythology (called Elpis).  When Pandora opened her box, she left out all evils but Hope. Throughout the ages, Hope has been called one of the worst evils as well as one of the greatest gifts of the Human spirit.   Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche states in Human, All Too Human that hope is the evil of most evils, while Emily Dickson writes “Hope’ is the thing with feathers– / That perches in the soul–.”

But how does Hope pertain to  life now?  And is it good or bad to the condition of the human spirit?  Maybe it is as subjective as art, after all someone in history must have thought the Mona Lisa really was not all that beautiful.

In one of my favorite movies Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne defines Hope as “Something inside… that they can’t get to, that they can’t touch. That’s yours.”  I guess that is what I have always considered it -something that comes from the inside and bubbles up and out like a cool natural spring. That no matter how bad life or circumstances get, that there is always a belief that you can triumph. Some may consider hope as bad, keeping us hanging on for something that will never happen.  In the same movie, Red tells Andy that Hope is a dangerous thing and can drive a man crazy…in the end though he learns that hope is a good thing.

In this day and age of high unemployment rates, drug wars, bad politics and broken hearts, does hope have a place any more?  Yes, here and now is when it makes the most sense.  We have to have something that motivates us to keep going in the face of challenging times.  Even with all the motivational strategies out there, it all boils down to one thing: Hope.  The hope of a batter life, a better job, of falling in love or obtaining that dream.

The law of Attraction, The Secret, manifesting and even meditation, all lead to hope, and making our hopes turn into reality.  Maybe hope is actually The Secret – or rather not losing it.  And if we do lose hope, where do we find it again?  That is a question that can only be answered be each one of us.  I find hope when I look deep down inside myself…where I am too stubborn to say that life has got me down, even on the worst of days.  It is that place that is all mine; like my own personal cool underground spring.

Maybe that is Mona Lisa’s secret and why she has been smiling all these years.  She has found a way to never lose hope. And maybe that is why so many people have found her so beautiful throughout the ages.

How do you define hope? Is there a poem, phrase or prayer that helps you through tough times? What do you do when it feels like too much? How do you reach out to others—and let them reach out to you? Is there something specific that gives you comfort?

The Busy Bee

Things have beenbusy in the House of Ada recently. Responsibilities of a new job, freelance projects, attempting a bit of a social life, doing some internal searching, and keeping rested have proven to fill my dance card this week. And thus not much writing has taken place. Oh, but there are plenty of topics and subjects. Notes have been taken through out the week for things that will be written later. That is one of the things I guess all writers do – write little pieces and snippets of thoughts to be expounded on later, on napkins, tissue, recipes, envelopes, paper towels, note pads and stickies of every size and shape and emails on the phone.

No doubt there will be time to write this weekend. And time for reading, resting, cleaning, helping, loving, playing, drinking and more. This time of year brings to mind one word: Freedom. Freedom from cold temperatures and big bulky sweaters. Freedom to take my shoes off and drive barefoot because it is a pretty day. Freedom for all the windows in the car to be down and the radio to be up, my hair whipping in the wind.

It is time for patio therapy with friends and margaritas, grilling, digging and taking care of my flower garden, glasses of wine on outside tables with laughter and promises. late night talks and conversation of experiences and hopes and dreams for the future. And oh there are many. Time for smiles and winks, shorts, sandals, ponytails, Braves Games, and hiking in the woods. Time to trust.

Yes, this time of year is quite delicious. And I have been isolated for far too long this winter/year/season. Though I still do not look for anyone new, I am enjoying the company of those I already know and cherish. I guess it is the time of year to be a busy bee…pollenating all those places, people, hope and dreams enjoying the sweet sound and smell of all the hard work of the winter and spring. It is time to play…

Whatever Gets You Through

Whatever Gets You Through

I can hear it in the trees

As he looks at me and coos

What ever gets you through baby,

Whatever gets you through

 

And in the darkness of the night

When Angels call your name

I hear the silent whisper

Of the heart I could not tame

 

And the longing stays within me

The turbulence untrue

Whatever gets you through baby

Whatever gets you through

 

And it tears up the darkness

And wakes up the cold

As I feel his arms around me

But yet I cannot hold

 

And yet the daylight comes again

Peaceful in the Morn

No one would ever know

The rock on which I’m torn

 

See it in the mirror

Hide it from your friends

The restless that never sleeps

The sleepless from within

 

And it howls at the moon

As I take a different queue

Whatever gets you through baby

Whatever gets you through

 

Now cut it down to trade

Now wash it down the drain

Drink it up with whiskey

But the sameness still remains

 

Yes in the stillness of the night

A stillness that I never knew

Whatever get your through baby

Whatever gets you through

 

Ada Burch 5/5/2012

 

 

A New Hope

It is finally here. The weekend after the week of rest, and oh how I needed this week. My emotions are back in line after being so terrified of losing my father. He is getting stronger day. A weekend of reading, resting, praying, eating and even a bit of shooting. Tomorrow a friend is taking me up to the mountains to shoot all kinds of automatic rifles. I am looking forward to this, as I have always wanted to say I shot an AK47 and such. Yes, many pictures will be taken. A nice quiet  Saturday night reading, followed by church on Sunday.

And sometimes in life that is what we need – to take a few steps back, to rest, to hold what is truly the most dear to us very close. Then, when we step back out into the world, we smile without reservation because our hearts are lighter. We laugh laugh easier, walk with more of a spring in our step, and just feel…better. This is where I am now.  Life is not perfect, my father is not out of danger and my guest is still having some issues. My car is till making that new funny sound and needs to get checked out.  And I still miss him, everyday so very much. But for now, all of that is OK, because just like my dear wonderful Dad, I am getting stronger every day too. And every day, I pray for Grace, Peace and Understanding.

And on a lighter note: May the 4th be with you! It is international Star Wars Day. The original trilogy is the best and Han shot first.