The Glamorous Life

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. – Ernest Hemingway

One of the things I have heard over and over in writing is write what you know; write from the heart.  And I do believe in this when it comes to not only my writing, but others as well.  I write for myself, because these things must come out.  I write because it is in my soul.

Recently my writing has not been glamorous. It has been about pain and grief and confusion and finding your way. Because right now, in this moment, that is what I know.  And that is the thing about life, many times it isn’t glamorous. Many times we are just trying to get through it the best we can.  And those bad times do not last.  Whatever it is, it will not be like this 10 year from now, or 5 years, or 1 year or even 6 months from now.

This space, this pen on paper or words on the screen, is a safe and cathartic place. So it pours out of me in all of it’s raw, unglamorous and unpolished glory.

Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader – not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon. – E. L. Doctorow

When you write from the heart, others will connect with it.  Because you cannot hide the emotion or passion. Or comes out not only in the words, but in the flow and rhythm of the writing.  It cannot be faked or taught.  It just is. And to me, as a writer, that part of the process is sacred.

The best compliment anyone could give me is that my writing made them feel something, made them think. Because the glamorous life is wonderful, but cannot be sustained. We all love to read about exotic travels and adventures. I hope to have some soon. But sometimes real life gets in the way.  Real emotion.

I never understood how the holidays could possibly be a hard time for anyone. It is such a festive happy time.  A time of celebration, giving, and family.  But now after suffering loss, I do understand.  While I still love the holidays, there is an acute awareness now of all those who not with me.  Next year will not be as hard.

No one promised us an easy life, and there will always be tough times here and there.  The secret is reaching deep down into yourself.  It’s about tapping the joy and strength that is  within, where the soul meets the heart.

It is about finding what inspires you, even when it is dark inside.

And it is about being still and listening to the whisper of God’s voice.  At least it is for me.

So it’s not glamorous right now.  But it is real and it is what I know and it is from the heart.  And the heart, no matter how ragged, never looses it’s shine.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

Time and Grace

So, for a Klutz, that title at first sounds a bit ambitious.  I saw a piece that I wrote about 5 years ago. It talked about accomplishing goals except for balance. But now looking back, it seems that has been accomplished, and replaced.  It is now Grace that seek.

Though life is wonderful right now, there is always room for better;  to do better, be better, work better.  And faith.  Even when my faith is short, somehow prayers get me through.  When I am frazzled and worried with family, work, career, and just life in general.  While it seems that I have mastered the art of balance (at least for the most part), I am still ever chasing that illusive Grace.  (Yes, I know I am a klutz).

Sharing space and a home together with  my boyfriend, as we start a new life, so to speak.  Making plans to build a life together, step by step, one heartbeat at a time. It has been a long while since someone else has lived in my house.  It has made me aware of so many wonderful things, including the need for Grace in every day life.  To give more, be more kind, be more loving, be more patient, than ever.  Because your home should be sanctuary, should be where you are protected and loved and where things are sacred.  But it takes work when you are frazzed after a long day of tasks, or after a 4 hour total commute in traffic.

And it is faith that helps me remember Grace.  Yes, even for a klutz, Grace is possible.  And I find that I have more and more every single day, as I explore and strengthen my faith.

You can still be passionate, still stand up for that which you believe. You simply do not have to be ugly about it.  Imagine what the world would be like if more people aspired to have Grace?

Imagine just what politics would be like if more people practiced Grace? No more name calling, or comparing hands, or arguments.  Just kind discussion.  Well, a girl can dream right?

Here is the original post form 5 years ago that started me thinking today:

Time, Energy and Balance

At the end of last year, I made a goal board.  It had several things on it that I wanted to accomplish for 2011 – exercise, travel, balance, love, laughter, a great pair of shoes and peace. So far everything has fallen into place and every day, inch by inch, baby step by baby step, I am getting closer to meeting those goals.  The hardest one, the one that seems could be the most illusive is balance.

There are so many things to do, that needs to be done, that I want to do, that I should do, that sometimes it is overwhelming. And I get stressed and irritable.  There are meetings, phone calls, outings, projects, laundry,working out,  friends, family, pets and life.  All calling my name, all wanting time, all needed a piece of me. I makes lists so I can keep track of tasks and feel a sense of accomplishment as I cross them off.

I know how to work hard, I know how to accomplish a great deal of things, but somehow the balance escaped me sometimes .. And I struggle to get it back. I write for a living, but sometimes I am so busy living that  do not have time to write and that is when I feel most off balance. And as I scramble to get everything done and accomplished. I have been frazzled, I have been careless, I have been exhausted.

Maybe the secret to balance is not to speed up and get everything done, but to take a  moment (or three) and prioritize.  And at the top of the list? ME. I have to remember to take care of myself if I am going to be able to be balanced AND cross things off the to -do list. Sometimes to accomplish balance, once must take pause and be still.

So I take a breath. And another. And another. And soon the moment passes. And as I make my way through the list and tasks, I take a breath. And then another. Maybe balance is something we strive for, always working on it, never ceasing to reach for it. Maybe just as our lives are liquid and always a work in progress, so is our balance…Or maybe i just need a vacation.

Spring Cleaning

It’s that time of year again, when we get all excited that the days get longer and the weather is warmer.  Windows are up for fresh air to come inside, the heavy blankets give way to lighter, breezier sheets.  Bulky sweaters are put away for another season and the skirts and short sleeves are once again brought out.  There is camping and time outside on the patio, and we all seem to be just a little bit giddy.

It’s Spring.  And it is here just in time.

Spring also means spring cleaning, and this year it is especially exciting for me.  Life has come full circle and it is time to really clean up and clean out.  And isn’t there something so cathartic about getting rid of all the old baggage and that which is no longer needed or used?  Dusting off, turning on, cleaning out, getting rid, slimming down, and lifting up.  And this year it not only extends to things, this year, for me it also means people.  I have gotten rid of those who no longer serve my interests.  And it must be done from time to time to keep things well and healthy.

The fact is, cleaning people out of your life doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just that they no longer serve you, or any purpose in your life.  We  must learn discernment in our circle.  We must be careful of whom we let in.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn – I always thought everyone deserves a chance and the benefit of the doubt from the beginning.  No, they don’t.  You must trust your gut and if your gut tells you that there is something off, then trust it and keep a distance.

And getting rid of someone doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means they have no place in your life anymore.  And sometimes it is hard, when relationships and friendships become unhealthy.  A dear friend told me recently that he had feelings for me. He was very drunk and the confession was followed by inappropriate advances and suggestions. After my refusal and letting him know I was dating someone, there was lasing out with angry text messages.  It was hard, but he was out.  No one treats me, or speaks to me, in that way.  His actions and words were disrespectful and extremely hurtful. Maybe one day, when ample time has passed, and he is geographically distanced, there will be contact again.  But for now the toxicity of the friendship deemed it worthy of termination.

Keeping your inner circle closed shows self respect and value.  Not everyone deserves a seat at your table.  Not everyone has something to add to your life. And indeed, some will deplete you if you let them.  Toxic people and relationships will bleed you of your energy, emotions and intention. You will give so much to that relationship or situation, that others positives in your life go neglected. So make sure you take a look at those who surround you, those who are close. Examine your relationships to make sure that you are not settling for less than you deserve. Friendship is not free; loyalty, honestly, respect and integrity are the wages and must be paid in full.

What is important is that who is left in your life are those who are truly the best for you.  Those who will support you, cheer you on, and even give you a kick in the pants when you need it. After that what is left is space for everything good and wonderful to come in.  You cannot make a new life, holding onto what, and who, does not serve you.

Now I am feeling lighter than I did before the cleaning process began, I breath easier, and my shoulders are not as tense. I truly believe that one of the keys to happiness is making sure you have genuine, loyal, positive, supportive people around you, who truly know how to love and be good humans.

Yes, welcome to Spring!  I look forward to many good times, smile and great memories ahead.

Having it All

“What have you done, on your own?  What have you accomplished, standing on your own two feet, to make a positive contribution to society and show you are not just a burden to those around you?”

I have so much respect for those who get off their butts and go out into the world to make something of themselves.  Those who do not expect others to support them while they sit and play.  So many of my friends are amazing women (and men), who have carved out a space for themselves. made a positive contribution, worked hard and accomplishes much.  But that is not all that they have done.

They have become some of the most amazing human beings along the way.  They are amazing, strong, compassionate women and I am beyond proud to have them as friends and confidants.

I was having a conversation with one of them last week, catching up, talking about the many thing going on in our lives.  She is pregnant, and she and her husband will have 7 children in their blended family when this little girl is born (yes, Seven!). She has been one of the top rated female Dj’s in  Atlanta and Nashville, she has written a book, hosts a podcast, has been the spokes person for autism and is now raising a bunch of children, making sure all are fed, cleaned and homework is done.  I am in awe of her.

“Let’s face it, having it all sucks!”

And yet she cannot do it all.   And neither can any of my friends.  And these are amazing women who are smart, confident, capable and confident.  My pregnant friend said she was talking with a mutual friend who said that she was exhausted trying to have and do it all, and she was just accepting the fact that somethings we not going to get done.  But that she was afraid of being judged because she couldn’t do it .

To me, this is a refreshing reminder that no matter ow together we are, or together we think other people are, we are all just human.  None of us can do it all.  Which means that when one part of our lives is going well and is perfect, another part is a mess.  Am I am bad person because this makes me happy?  No, it makes me human that I am happy that others are human, just like me.

I have always , been on my own, everything I have I have worked hard for and earned on my own.  And the same with all of my friends.  None of us have depended on another, a boyfriend or husband, to support us.  We got out and made it happen ourselves.  And I may not have as much as others, but what I do have is mine.  But…

But often times my house is a mess.  The bed isn’t made, dishes are in the sink on any given day, the floor needs to be mopped and carpet vacuumed, and let’s not even get into to the dusting of things…If you try to do it all, have it all, you will just end up being tired and cranky.

The bottom line is, whether you stay home and take care of the kids, or you have a career, at least work hard and contribute something. Don’t depend on or be a burden to those around you. Don’t use people or expect them to support you if you are not willing to go out and support yourself.  Basically, don’t be a mooch.

You can’t do everything, but at least do something to contribute. Be passionate about providing for yourself, being in control of your own life.  Stand up on your own two feet. As long as you do this….don’t worry about not being able to do it all.  The fulfillment you will have in contributing what you can, is enough.  There is nothing more satisfying than knowing you made your life for yourself.  Then, and only then, will you be truly capable of sharing life with another.

 

Don’t Mold Around Here No More

With any new beginning there will naturally come challenges and obstructions. Do not become discouraged by them, do not fall into fear and doubt, but rather, cleave in faith and continue on, confident that the Divine is with you and that you will overcome whatever challenges and obstructions that arise. Remember, the challenges and obstructions we encounter are integral to a greater progress and our eventual success. – Gamze Ridley

Today I received the final word on my House of Mold…not only is it full of toxic mold, but I cannot return for any reason without a Hazmat suit because the infestation has permeated ever part of the house.  It is not safe to breath even for 5 minutes.  The house must be condemned and destroyed to make sure no one else suffers further illness. It is also recommended that I get further medical testing to determine the level of permanent damage to lungs and respiratory system.

Hearing this was rather overwhelming, even though on some level it was expected. My heart went into my throat and I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.  Yes I cried.  I just didn’t expect it to be that…bad. And I threw myself the obligatory pity party for the remainder of the evening, sending out text messages, telling friends, discussing what it all meant.

And then I realized, this isn’t the end of the world. I will be fine. While the idea of living in that house for 6 months, when it’s not safe to breath for 5 minutes is terrifying, I am OK. Having my house condemned isn’t going to kill me, neither is walking away from the disaster and giving it back to the bank. Though it is not how I wanted it to be, “it is what it is and it ain’t getting no isser.”

And with that the pity party was done and I thought why not remain positive? After all, I have been extremely lucky thus far. Things could have always been worse. I could have been a lot sicker with many more health issues; I found the mold quickly when it could have taken years.

Part of  life is just getting through it. Things won’t always go your way. There will be adversities to overcome, challenges to meet, and difficulties to chase. And that’s OK.  Continual smooth waters are not conducive to forming a well rounded person. We must rise to overcome in order to find out just how high the human spirit can sore.

And while we may have a few scars or be weary from those hard times, they are worth it. For it is that which makes us great, which makes us richer, deeper, finer, more compassionate beings. It is what makes us our most human, and our most beautiful.

So, I will appreciate, maybe even celebrate to condemnation of my house and it’s subsequent foreclosure. Because that means I lived through it and came out the other side. I will appreciate the tears that may fall between now and then, for it means that I can feel deep emotion. I will appreciate the experience of the coming legal proceedings and pray for justice. And I will appreciate and celebrate all that this life gives me, because every day I breath is a gift. And I will appreciate the scars left behind, because they only add to the beauty and splendor of being human. And in being human, I find Peace.

And I will look forward and not fear the future. I don’t know what is coming in the days, weeks and even years ahead. But I am here. And this is a new beginning.

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

New Year, Birthdays and Taking Risks

Sometimes, one of the hardest things about writing is figuring out the opening sentence or line that might catch someone’s attention get them reading further and deeper. Just sitting down to write this post, I have come up with quite a few opening lines:

• It’s that time of year again…my birthday month!!!
• Just when you thought you were safe from another “New Year” blog
• As I sit here, in my PJ’s…

And sometimes, planning out the next year can be just as challenging.  I for one, am beyond happy to see the end of 2014, and am ecstatic about 2015. There is a sense of optimism and happiness. But how does one go about changing their life for the better exactly?  Not sure on that one, though many thousands of books have been written, and many thousands more no doubt.  Maybe it’s really not an exact science. Maybe it’s all by trial and error. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a compass to tell us where to go for that good life we want, or when we may be veering off track? A magic 8 Ball that really did have all the answers?

First I want to take care of myself.  Like many women, I stopped taking care of myself and took care of others instead. And when all was said and done, I was sitting on empty.  That is changing. I now look around at at empty house (except for the cats) and realize that I am bound by nothing…The world is mine to find adventure, with new things to trip over, places to fall into and new drinks to spill. I am picking up where I left off so to speak and it feels good. And scary. And exciting. And overwhelming.

I stopped working out and exercising. I stopped hiking, Stopped going to live music shows, or the botanical gardens. I quit fixing my hair, trying make up things and just having a bit of fun and enjoyment in general.  And adventure doesn’t have to be far from home, as long as you stay curious and keep quality people around you. For example, I had the best New Years I have had in a very long time. The best thing in the world, is when you are having such a wonderful time that you loose track and don’t even realize it’s midnight…

“Well behaved women seldom make history “- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

And I want to take a vacation this year. On a beach. I miss the beach,  miss the water. It’s calling my name. FINALLY publishing my book is on the list. I had to put it down to tend to other things and now, just like the rest of my life, it’s time to start it back up again. So if any of you know any publishers….

Exercise. The Dreadmill, the bane of my existence. But exercise I will. Not just to loose a few pounds, but because I felt better when I was exercising.  And I have set up a wonderful workout/zen area in my bedroom that will be perfect for rain day workouts and Pilates. Also, the garage is organized with space for the heavy bag. Yes, it’s time to start boxing again! And maybe even jog around the neighborhood if it ever quits raining. If not, boating around the neighborhood, that could be good exercise too.

I am not going to take on so much crap from others. I can help and be kind without putting myself out or sacrificing myself for them. This may seem counter intuitive to having Grace, which I am also seeking. But I think they can go hand in had. In order to have Grace, you do not have to be a doormat. You have to set realistic and healthy boundaries for yourself and life. I have not done the best of either in the past.

“Do one thing that scares you every day.” – Elenore Roosevelt

But the main thing for this next year, is to take more risks and chances. When we play it too safe, we forget how to really live. And sometimes the best thing you can do is step out of the comfort zone and grow. I want to do this with life and especially love. Someone sent me a picture they have of the word “Love” written in the sand on thebeach. That is what I want my life to be, full of love, life and sand this year. And it’s of to a wonderful start.

But I am also reminded of something I read not long ago, and that in order to be flexible, we must have stability. So, before any adventuring into the sunset happens, I must first find that stable foundation from which to build and spring my life.  Maybe that is why I am taking much care in getting the house unpacked and situated. And after being displaced by the mold, it is great to finally be able to relax and have a home in which to settle.

And there it is, my new year, for the age of 42.  And each heartbeat carries all the hopes, dreams and fears that go along with them too. And so it is, that I start this celebration of my birthday month. A celebration of life, of anticipation, of passion, of chances and of love. And they bring an enthusiasm that boils up from that deep place inside, past the mind, into the soul and back again.

 

 

The Oposite of Seasons

This is the season for parties, festivities, socializing, seeing old friends, making new friends and just a lot of hustle and bustle. It is a season of extraverts. But this season I am feeling anything but extravert.

This year I am feeling very be cozy and warm mama bearish. I just want to be home, or with a close circle of friends. Yes, the invites have been pouring in for this and that.  And surely these are people whose company I have enjoyed in the past. But my couch is so very comfortable and the fire is warm.

This year, after being terrible displaced from my home due to toxic mold, I am more appreciative of e safe place to hang my hat.  I want to make this space warm and welcoming to all those whom I love and care.

And as the pictures of festive parties, pretty dresses, fixed hair, perfect make up and lots of drinks are posted on Facebook and other social media outlets, I smile and click like from the comfort and warmth of my own hearth, on my flannel PJ’s and fuzzy socks (yes, super sexy, I know).

I sip wine and listen to my favorite music, unpacking, organizing, arranging furniture and getting settled.  And who says you have to be and about on the town seeing and being seen to be social? I have my friends close by, still meeting for dinners and drinks.  I run to theirs or they come to mine. It is nice and quiet and small and quaint.

There is home cooking – soups and sauces, new recipes and old favorite, smells and fragrances filling the house. Putting up and decorating the Christmas tree, with all the old ornaments from childhood that make me smile and love my parents. There is eggnog and mistletoe and kisses and laughter. There is the gentleness of starting over.

And sometimes, in the big world, it is good to be small and close.  It is good to make sure that all of our fingers and toes and accounted for and painted pretty colors, enjoying the small comforts that build the foundation of a good and happy life. Sometimes the small celebrations are even more meaningful than the big ones.

And sometimes, when it is all said and done, it is the building of many of those small moments that make a life worth living and loving. Sometimes being the opposite of the season is what gives it it’s meaning.

The Beauty in Boredom

I read an article on Psychology today that talked about boredom, it’s definition and affects. Oddly enough I had the definition all wrong. Boredom to me had always been just a feeling of having nothing to do, nothing around that was interesting. And that is it in part, but in the article it is defined as a state of listlessness or torpor (new word) that is related to melancholy. A deeply unpleasant state of “unmet arousal.”

To me that sounds more like being restless…having all that energy and having no where to place it. That place where you want to do something, anything, but not knowing what or being able.  We usually try to avoid boredom because it is unpleasant.  I remember being a child and complaining about being bored during summer vacation because there we nothing to do, to which my mother quickly replied “bored people are boring.” Or “intelligent people are rarely bored.”

At first these statements seem like a witty response, but maybe there is more truth to them than wit. Boredom is part of the human condition. Never has a single person on earth never experienced boredom.  So why fight it? Why not find the good in it and use it. Just how would that happen? We try to avoid boredom by way of stimulation. But there is a difference between stimulation and …….Why not instead, peer inside ourselves to cure boredom? Instead of going outside of a situation to find stimulation, like a video game, why not be present in the moment?

Get out of your phone, your game, or little world and look around a bit. Notice who and what is around you instead. Notice the air around you, notice all the little things that you would normally gloss over in your search for everything to strike your nerves at once. Embrace the non stimulation, the slow down, the peace and quiet in the boredom. But this can be a dangerous thing. Sometimes the tranquility of the quiet can make ones demons or unsorted baggage come to the surface. Go ahead and deal with them, and all, you’re bored right? What else do you have to do?

Once we look inside, once we become present and notice the world around us, magically the boredom disappears. So take a deep breath and embrace the boredom. As counterintuitive as it may sound, by the very act of embracing boredom we no longer suffer from it. We can take the time to look inside and begin to let go of what is holding us back. Ultimately that will bring us Peace and I have often said that which gives us Peace also gives us happiness.

Samuel Johnson once said, “It is by studying the little things that we attain the art of having as little misery, and as much happiness, as possible.”

The Eve

It is this night, this eve, this moment in time, after which my life will not ever be the same. And on this is eve, there is excitement, fear, happiness and calm. There are lists of things that need to be done, and the desire to just relax and enjoy the fireflies.

It is this eve that marks a new time, a new chapter and new life going forward.  It is an eve to treasure each. and. every. moment. Because this is the last eve that everything will be the same.

And after this eve, I will look back at tonight, and all those that came before, and be thankful for it all, the good and the bad.

And so it, on this eve.

This Father’s Day

I wrote this about my Dad several years ago. It describes how I see him and the man he is. Every Father’s Day I post it on several sights. It’s a few days late this year, things were busy and I did not make it to the computer to post.

He is doing much better now, My father. He is feeling good, more energy than he has had a quite a while, and is in very good spirits. He was s out working quite a bit this weekend, enjoying being with his family, laughing, kissing Mom and the cheek, saying those funny one liners with his incredible dry sense of humor. So here is my Father’s Day tribute to my Dad:

My Dad is like one of those men from the old movies.  The hero.  A man of few words rides into town, stands up for what he believes in, and touches everyone around him.

He leads by example:  Loyalty, honesty and spirituality.  Always keep your word.  Hold family close and God Closer.

My Dad has worked very hard to make a business and a reputation many would envy.  He’s worked hard to give his family the kind of life and opportunities where we would want for nothing.  He has integrity and honor, and those are not easy qualities to find these days.

He has been a wonderful example of a man, a father and a human being.  From quietly asking mom about our dates to sharing boiled peanuts and beer, to watching thunderstorms and lighting with us.

He has taught me so many things about life, just by example.  And he is the best father a girl could ever hope to have. I have so many wonderful memories of him growing up, and as an adult.  Like him, try to read fairy tails to me and mispronouncing the names – like “Ra-pun-zel”, or reciting the bedtime story of “Once upon a time, a deer drank wine…”

Then the is “Piddles Jumping Spunker” and Chief Beer Fetcher in Charge (CBFC), can’t forget being the Cowstail, or all the lessons on the bottom shelf.

He taught me how to change the oil in my car, how to rotate my own tires, change the break pads and calipers, check the spark plugs (when cars actually had spark plugs). I remember going out to dinner with him, and how he opened my doors for me, pulled out my chair, found out what I wanted to eat and ordered for me. Always wanting to make sure that I was happy.

I will always love his voice, his hands, the way he smells and his little smile. Yes, I will always love my Daddy. The first man to make me feel safe and secure, the man who has always been the example of how a man should treat a woman, and how I should expect a man to treat me.

And he gave me the best Christmas present I have ever been given. One he hand made a wonderful case for my Barbie Dolls, complete with a little mirror for them, a place to hang all their little clothes, and he even hand made these little wire hangers for all their clothes to hang. I still have it and it is one of my most cherished possessions.

For these and so many reasons, too many to list, I am proud to call Jim Burch my Dad.  If I could have looked out and chosen who my father would be, I would have chosen you.

Love you Dad.  Happy Father’s Day.

Fireflies Dance

In adulthood, there are very few things that are still magic, that still capture our imagination and remind us of childhood and the time when you could still fly to the moon on your bike.  One of those things for me are fireflies. Since I was a child, these magic little bugs seemed to come from the mythic places of legends; where dragons, fairies and mermaids lived. They were left over from king Author’s gardens, somewhere between Narnia and Neverland, and everywhere magic and mystery lived.

And yet here they were, these fireflies, in the yard flashing their magic beauty.  Yes I was fascinated by them as a child.

I remember the first time I really saw them. I was at my grandmother’s house and maybe about six or seven. And they were everywhere, hundreds of them.  My grandmother asked if I wanted to capture them in a jar, but I decided not to after find thing out that they would die if kept in the jar. I wanted them free, out in the fresh air.

When I lived in Ohio many years ago, I would see them in the woods next to the apartment complex  where I lived. My then boyfriend and I would sit on the fence, watching them dance in the evening air, like little diamonds flashing on the horizon when it finally got dark.

And just a few nights ago. I saw a tiny flash out of the corner of my eye. My heart skipped a beat – it is the right time of the year…I stopped what I was doing and ran to the back yard window. And there they were, dancing and sparkling in the night sky. A little army of fireflies, my little army of magic. And I had to stand and watch them, as they performed their nightly ritual, with a grin on my face from ear to ear.

It’s truly the little things in life. And you must always take the time to stop and notice, listen and see. For the little things are what makes life worth it, what makes the bad bearable and the good even better.

And now every night, I take the time to notice these little miracles, that seem to dance just for me, putting on  a private show in my back yard.  And just for a few moments, I am taken away from all the troubles and thoughts. And I just smile. If these little bugs can light up the night sky, certainly I can raise above and shine bright as well.

 

A Little Look Back

In this world of rush, hurry up and wait, slam it down, cram it in, do it now, bigger is better and faster is best, we get a little rough at the edges. Sometimes we need to take a breath, cherish our memories and just slow down a bit.

This past weekend was that for me. Ever busy, ever checking things off the “to do” list, I took the time to slow down and meet with a dear friend I had not seen in many years. There was catching up, talking, laughing, a little crying, lots of memories and some confessions.

And as I sat there with my friend, I remembered the Me of days past. It reminded me of how both of us had grown and changed in good and bad ways. I saw how in the years I had softened on some things, hardened on others. And it is always comforting to be around someone who knows you, has known you, through all the pretty and ugly. Who knows the truth of you and your history.

Funny thing is that since that visit I have felt more myself than I have in a long time. More confident, happier, lighter and more settled, with just that little reminder, that little look back. Sometimes taking a look over your shoulder is the best thing you can do when figuring out the future.

And sometimes it is also conducive to keeping us grounded in this world where it is so easy to get off track in the rush to fit it all in. Just that gentle visit to say- these things, don’t change, they are great qualities. Because no matter how much time has passed, we always remain, at the heart of it, who we are. We always return to what we know, what is in our bones. Even if we forget, it is never too late to remember.

What is that for me? One word: Truth. No matter what happens in life, if I know the truth, then I can deal with it. Truth is concrete, trustworthy, solid. You can build on truth, it won’t crumble. We get into trouble when the foundation upon what we have built is quicksand. I’ve been caught in that before too, and it’s not pleasant. It’s hard to be settled when the ground underneath is shifting. And we struggle to find footing.

Then we take a little look back. And sometimes, that is where we can find the best footing – To where the to where the truth was and build from there. And that is what I will do – build my life on that solid and fertile ground now that all the untruths have been weeded out. No matter how confusing life can get, a little look back, a lot of prayer and faith, you can find the guidance you need…and make the leap to where your future is waiting. In this life, right now, it’s the new house, my job and career, new chances, new possibilities and… Me.

Hello future, nice to meet you. I have a feeling this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.

The Lover and Dreamers and Me

Dedicated to all the lovers and dreamers out there…my favorite song in all the world. 🙂 Enjoy and Happy friday!

The Decisions We Keep

“We all experience doubts and fears as we approach new challenges. The fear diminishes with the confidence that comes from experience and faith. Sometimes you just have to go for it and see what happens. Jumping into the battle does not guarantee victory, but being afraid to try guarantees defeat.” – Brian Goodell, Olympic Gold Medalist

As I sit pout on the screened in porch on a beautiful cool spring night, listening to the crickets and evening sounds, I wonder about the choices we make in life.  What motives us to make the choices we do, take the chances we take to go the directions and take the roads on which we travel? When we have a fork ion the road, what makes us choose one over the other?

And I look around and wonder about the choices that I have made. Why did I buy this house? Obviously, because I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. And when love enters, all reasoning exits. I am a single girl, what am I doing? Why do I need a house this big, with a yard and pool and skylights, and marble floors, and…? And all the little handyman things that need to be done, that I have no idea how to do? Why didn’t I just rent another place?

I believe we  make the best choices we can in that particular moment. No one wakes up and says “I am going to make bad decisions today!” No. We get up, get dressed dressed, brush our teeth, and go out each day to do the best we can, be the best we can and make the best decisions we can. Sometimes we do good. Most of the time actually. Though sometimes not.  And sometimes, we just have to let others think what they want, if that is what is best at that moment.  I think most of why we do what we do, is based on emotions. What we feel at the time. Sometimes emotion must match against reason. And that is where it gets hard. And fuzzy.

And we take risks, if we think it will work out. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. It has so far with this house. And it was huge risk to say the least, when I made the offer. No money really, no savings, no place to live after a certain date, just the sheer belief and faith that it would work. That the third time I bid on this house, everything would line up just as it should. And it did.  I wanted this house because I want a place for my family, for my friend and for my life. A place that is mine, to do with as I please –  to love, live, plant, grow, party…LIVE. I wanted something to pass on, someplace permanent to call home.

And here it is. As I sit and watch the lights through the trees in my backyard.  And I decide to go for it, and see what happens  – with my life. All that I want. And that is a decision to keep. With wobbly knees, and a lump in my throat, I’ll move forward with everything I have dreamed. So, let me live, love, work, kiss, cry, read, write, ride, plant, move, climb, clean…even make mistakes, as best as I can, with my whole heart. Join me, won’t you?

Getting th Groove

Getting into the groove

I remember helping my Mom in the garden a few years ago. We were sitting, taking each one of the little bean plants she planted, and slowly winding them up on a string, so that they would grow up on the string and be easier to pick. We started in the morning, as we drank coffee, each of us working in peaceful silence next to each other, in complete comfort.

After s o many plants, you actually get a rhythm going. And gently, without breaking the tender baby vines, you wind them up and move on to the next. All day we did this, breaking only for more coffee. And it that gentle morning, I was deep in thought. And it occurred to me that life is very much like winding those little bean sprouts up the string. There is a process for everything, and it takes time to naturally unfold.

This past week is the first I really feel like I have my rhythm and groove back. I am taking care of myself, getting rest, unpacking, eating healthy(ish). As soon as it’s warm and not raining, I’ll take a good run/walk in the hills of the neighborhood. I have been taking the time to enjoy and relish in those little perfect moments, taking time to cry when the emotion hits me, and being honest enough to say I am a bit vulnerable right now, so handle with care. It feels good to admit that, it’s actually very freeing to not have to be tough all the time, to allow myself to be “soft.”

And surprisingly, at least to me, it is received well. There are hugs, holding hands, kind thoughts and words, well wishes, and sincere smiles.

And the result, is more laughter, more smile, more feeling alive than I have in about a year. To really allow myself to just be, whatever it is I am at that moment, is wonderful.And in doing so, I let go, with each heartbeat, all that I have carried. Yes, I am getting my balance, my rhythm, my life and spirit back. Yes, the spring in my step has returned. It is spring, and just like those little bean sprouts, it is time to grow, to bloom and to be magnificent. I am coming alive again.   I am returning to my life, returning to enjoy all accomplishments my hard work has brought to fruition. I have come back to have what is mine.

All I l have to do is trust, believe and follow the natural process.

And that is how this girl gets her groove back. I am a new morning.

Finding Lent

It’s forty days every year, between Ash Wednesday and Easter, that many stop and reflect.  Every year I celebrate Lent by giving something up (chocolate this year…can’t wait to eat my Cadbury Crème Eggs!) and taking something on. It is a time to rededicate myself to all that is important spiritually. A time to reconnect with inner self, God and my inner voice. And to really listen.

This year is a special time for me, as so many new and wonderful things have entered into my life as of late. I have so very much the be thankful for. But yet there has been a lot of struggle to get here, and there are a lot of emotions left over.

My career has skyrocketed, with more to do now than every before. In addition to my full time job, I am interviewing someone this week for an article I am writing for the AJC. I have had articles published in magazines, but never the ADJ – a notionally circulated newspaper!  It’s very exciting.

Agents are calling me wanting me to update headshots, resumes and classes for acting. And then there is the business of my book….I put it down a while ago to support my sister. Now it is time to pick it back up, along with many other things…like eating right and exercising. Things that got out of whack over the last year.

So this year, my Lenton Disciplines are a little different. They are more about taking care of myself and getting myself back up and running, so I have more to offer the world and those around me. The old saying is true, to give to others you must first take care of yourself; because if you don’t, you will not have anything to offer. I have learned this the hard way.

Taking care of everyone else last year, has left me torn and ragged this year. And my Lenton Disciplines also involved what to do about all those left over emotions from everything that has taken place. All of the loss, betrayal, lies and shape shifting.

What do I do with all the anger I have for my sister and her husband? What do I do with the feelings of betrayal concerning my former friends and landlords; all that they did, all the lies that were told? How do I dissipate the disappointment, resentment and aching from walking away from the only sister I have ever really known? How do I deal with the fact that because of her psychological condition, I have had to keep her out of my life?

I don’t know the answer to these questions…but I do know that this year, this Lent, I am to have faith, put one foot in front of the other, work as hard and as good as I can to be the best writer I can, to tell the stories in the best way possible, and to take the time to listen to God’s voice on the stillness. The stillness of the quiet in the night, the sunrise and it comes through my bedroom window in the morning, the silence that is in those moments. And I am to find joy in my life, and the good things that are coming forth. And in those things, in that stillness and silence, in that Faith, in that joy…I hope to find the Grace which I seek. The fullness of God and what he wants for me and the opportunities which He has given me.

And if I put my whole heart into it…there it will be. And I hope to let go…

Home Ownership 101

We all have experiences that teach us a lot. And I am going to learn a tremendous amount by being a home. The whole process has been quite an eye opening experience, from dealing with the “haters,” to dealing with a difficult closing (the investors had not discussed how the proceeds from the sale would be divided, and argued about it – at the closing), to the fine art of moving items up stairs. I have been in the house less than a week, and have learned a lot already. Like what, you ask?

Well, like how to fix my own dryer. My dryer had a four –pronged plug, the outlet had three. So this little girl broke out the tool box and re-wire the new plug onto the old dryer. Being a non-mechanical klutz, I was very proud of myself for doing this successfully. I can now dry clothes till my hearts content!

And then I managed to figure out my wireless router and how to get the network back up. Yes, me, who can barely work my iPhone, got the wireless network up, though I am not sure exactly how I did it.

Then there is planting trees. Yes, I have planted a small tree or two on the property…proof that I can indeed use a shovel (no one has found any of the bodies yet, so the tree is proof). The fine art of breaking down boxes is also something very important to learn as well. Tomorrow I learn about how to install a top security system, even better than the one I had. I am also learning about installing TV’s on the wall. I have learned the importance of being able to do these things yourself, because living in one of the worst traffic jam areas in the country, my wonderful guy friends may not always be able to make it to the house.  And it is nice to have friends over when it is just to visit. I have learned that I am very loved and so many are willing to help and to celebrate.

As is meeting the neighbors – how to do it, when to do it and what to say. This may sound very simple and basic – it’s just meeting people. But it is a little more than that when you are a single girl, and requires a bit if finesse. You have to make sure you are friendly, but not too friendly – you want the wives to like you. The kind of girl they want to introduce you to their cute single friend…not the kind of girl they have to keep away from their husbands.

I have learned that I am in a wonderful family neighborhood, where the kids still ride their bikes and climb trees, where the parents play catch in the front yard, and where people know each other. I have learned that this is where I want to be living, because these are my kind of people. And if I have learned that much, and it hasn’t even been a week, imagine how much more I will learn in time.

Never stop learning, growing, experiencing and being curious. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. Always look around and find the next thing to do, see, learn. Life is so big, and I cannot wait!

The Shoulders of Giants

No man is an island. No matter who we are, where we come from, what we do , how successful we are or where we go in life, we could not do it with the help of others.

So to all those who have helped, who have prayed, who have cried with me, who have listen to me, who have carried heavy things. To all those who have made the load lighter, who have lent their hearts, picked up the phone, been there, done that, cheered me on, celebrated the highs and felt the heartbreak over the lows. All those who have sung with me in the rain, helped me relax, shared a glass of wine, discussed dreams, reflected on mistakes, planned the future, smiled at the past. For all of my friends…certainly this week reflects a lot of work and dreams that will finally come to fruition.

So many people have supported me, believed in me, encouraged me and been there for me. My wonderful friends and family. They have let me rest in their safety, and given me the kick in the pants when needed as well. Through it all, they, you, have been my heart and strength. My Faith and will at the center, I have been helped by many.

So much planning, working, dreaming, preparing, manifesting and doing. And finally, it is all coming together; in my personal, professional and writing life. And so for all the good things that are coming, thank you so much. I am here because I have worked, believed, had faith… stood on the shoulders of giants.

Feel It

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’ – Erma Bombeck

There is a theory about life that I have had for many years. I think that we go about life rather backwards: We go after the job, the money, the house, the car, the partner that looks good on paper, the clothes, the everything of how we want our life to look. We make a list of accomplishments that we want to do and check off our little to do list. We want to run a marathon, or get that promotion, or buy that bug screen TV…and there is nothing wrong with those things. There is nothing wrong with having goals and accomplishing them. We all need something to work for, do and accomplish.

But how we come to what is on that to do list…well, that is a but backwards. Then when we start crossing things off that list, we are surprised if we do not feel different. So how do you make a list that really matters? How do you build a life that really matters and will lead to happiness? Simple. Justask yourself one question: How do you want your life to feel?

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. – Harvey Fierstein

You may wonder what that has to do with anything. The short answer is everything. If you want a happy, fulfilled, useful life, then you go after what makes you feel happy, useful and fulfilled. Don’t go after a particular job title – unless that job is what makes you happy. How many people do you know who are trapped in a job or career that they hate? You may even be one of them. How many people do you know who love their job and can’t wait to get to work in the morning? Far fewer people, I bet. That’s a shame.

So decide what will make you feel the life you want, and go after those things. Don’t worry about what other people might think. They don’t hav eto live your life, you do.  When I decided to go after the life I wanted to feel, there was an amazing shift and change in my life. I knew that being a writer would make me feel what I wanted to feel. Suddenly things got really clear. No, it wasn’t easy. But don’t let the myth that if it’s supposed to be, then it will be easy. That’s not always the case. Things that are worth working for, are often hard. The hard it what makes it great. And if you really want it, then make a commitment to yourself that you will accomplish it and that failure is not an option.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. – George Bernard Shaw

Since deciding how I wanted my life to feel, I have never looked back. Even when I made a mistake, which I have made many, I just backed up, dusted off and got back up. If people laughed at me, and they have, I ignored them. Life is too short to worry about what others think of you.

So go after how you want your life to feel, and feel it, every bit of it. Soak it in. And don’t be afraid to walk away from that which does not fit. Distance yourself from people, places and things that do not follow how you want your life to be. This takes courage, and that is where it might get a little difficult. But keep in mind that removing what does not work or serve you makes you for that which will.  Keep those who support and encourage you close and never take them for granted.

Live life with passion, love, faith and feeling. What are you waiting for?

A Well Pruned Garden

Someone said to me that life must be like a well pruned garden; you must work to make it beautiful, to make sure that weeds to not grow and take over. You must nourish your life in order the flourish, just like you would a garden – for a garden can die in even the most fertile soil if it is not properly tended.

And so it is true in life. And we must go through periods of pruning. I have just gone through one of those times.

I have also, for many years, heard the saying “I was fine before you got here, and I’ll be fine after you leave.” And so it is. No one’s life is going to end because I am not in it. I will be just fine -and so will they.

I decided that 2014 will be the year of Peace. And so I will prune and shape my life in a way that Peace will be nurtured to grow. That means, getting rid of the weeds.  That means making room to follow my dreams. A new place to live, new friends and so many wonderful opportunities are in front of me now.

This week has been a rather dramatic one, filled with controlling ex’s and false friends, a bogus law suit that was dismissed and now…Peace.

I am not sure why, with my ex, when it’s made clear that you do not want to be with someone, that they continue to bother you. But I put a stop to that. My landlords had no case, but of courtesy I put what I wanted in writing, when I would be leaving, exactly what I would pay for and how much. The judge agreed and signed off. The fact is, I would be moving to the new place regardless.  They were mad I didn’t want to stay and tried to be vindictive. Silly rabbits, that never works.

Now that friendship is over, I plucked those weeds, and walked away. And the weeds of friends who called me cause trouble, stir the pot, cause drama by making threats over the situation – they are gone now too.  I don’t understand why when you say “I will not have people who cause drama in my life,” some people run to you and test that statement. I’ll never understand why women are so catty with one another either. Too much reality TV maybe?  Do they not have lives? Jobs? Or anything better to do than to sit around and talk about me? Because I am just not that interesting…No matter. I walk away, head held high.

It takes strength, it takes courage and it takes not being afraid to live your own truth, regardless of what others say – because they will twill twist it. They will twist the story to fit the justification of their own bad behavior. No worries. Let them be. What another person’s opinion of you is none of your business. And don’t argue with them, it’s the same result as teaching a pig to talk…you get dirty and it only aggravates the pig. I have better things to do.

And so as I look about, seeing everything that is in front of me, I see that the garden is in fertile soil and well pruned. Moving forward, life is Peaceful, there are no regrets. The water is still, the landscape is Peaceful and I am happy and feel lighter than I have in a long time. My new life begins, and the story that I write for this chapter of my life, will truly be amazing.

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Taking Care of the Birthday Girl

It‘s the start of a new year, and it’s my birthday month. Both reasons to celebrate. Looking back on the past year though, a pattern seems to emerge. Last year was all about taking care of everyone – Lots of family, friends, even animals. The only problem was that no one was taking care of me., including myself. And that is not good. When you do not take care of yourself, then you get run down and tired. You truly do not have much left to offer at the end of the day because you are so exhausted.

Last year was such a difficult year, because I carried the weight of many people. I carried their troubles, their secrets, their debt, their lives…and it was exhausting. Now that I am free of such things, now that everyone is standing on their own, it is time for me to focus in on…me.

And now, at the start of this New Year, this new age, it is time to make some changes. So this year, 2014, age 41, shall be about me. And not in the selfish don’t care about anyone else but me way, but the, I am going to take care of myself way. What does this mean exactly?

It means I take a look at what I want and what I want my life to be. What kinds of people and things do I want in it? How do I want it to feel? What do I want to wake up to every morning, and how do I want to go to sleep every night. What do I want my life to be filled with in my waking hours?

It means that I will learn to say no, when saying yes is to my own detriment (except when it comes to chocolate). It means that I will let go of those who bring stress and unnecessary drama in my life. I will get enough sleep and exercise, something which has not happened since the beginning of the year. I will eat well and healthy. And I will make sure that I have enough emotionally, physically and mentally to give only to those who deserve it. But all that requires me to take care of myself first.

I have learned a huge lesson this past year. I got so caught up in trying to help everyone, trying to make sure that everyone else was OK, and trying to please everyone else, that I forgot to please and take care of myself. The result is that by the end of the year, I was tired and frazzled. No more people pleasing.

This is my time, this is my year. We write the story of our lives. We determine how the story goes.  So there will be much laughter, love, freedom, work, writing, passion, and everything in my year. And I’ll do it my way.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,. And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. “- Shakespeare

When you are true to yourself, you take care of yourself.

Letter to Patsy

She was my 2nd mother. A spirited force to be reckoned with. And a tough as nails, loyal and kind soul. And now she has passed, and the world is a bit duller. There are so many things left to say to her,  And here they are. My Letter to My 2nd Mother.

Dear Patsy,

I can’t believe you’re gone. It may sound silly, but I always thought you would be there, I just could not ever imagine a world where you were not there. Now that the time in here, it just seems so strange. Death is final. And I think that is what hurts the most.

The last time I saw you, you were so beautiful, you almost looked like an angel. A stubborn angel that I loved dearly. Your eyes were brighter than I had seen them on quite a while.  I remember visiting you at the nursery, and hearing your voice and that Tennessee accent. I loved your accent. I loved your common sense way of looking at things. I just loved you.

I remember you asking me if I was ever going to get married ( you always asked me that). I just smiled and said who knows? And I remember you telling me that there is no shame in not ever getting married. And I knew you were right. But you were the first person to ever really tell me that. And I believed you. But I know you wanted me to, because I know you wanted me to be happy, and to someday settle down. Well, I’ve met him Patsy. I’ve met the one. And yes, I will marry him,, if he’ll have me. I couldn’t wait to tell you.

I remember you watching over me and Karen when we thought we were all grown up renting your house. How silly we young girls were, and how blessed we were to have you watching out for us. Making sure we took care of things, didn’t get too crazy and didn’t let our friends drive our cars.

And I think you were one of the only ones who truly understood what happened at the wedding. And what it all did to me. Your kind words and compassion carried me through many a heartache over that. I knew you knew that ache too. And you understood my tears. I loved you for that. And I loved that no matter what, you would always be my 2nd mother.

You were such a hard worker, and loyal top the core. I remember when you shut your business down to sit with my mother in the hospital when she was so sick. You just sat there with her, and watched over her so she would not be alone. You knew you didn’t even have to speak. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me that you were there. Or how much that meant to my mother. We will never forget it.

And she told me what you said about tying her shoes. And the baby Ruth! I laughed.

And somehow, you raised 4 children on your own – Three boys, one girl. Three young wild southern boys, and one strong willed girl. And you kept all of them in line. They knew you meant what you said and that they would respect their mother. How did you do it? You worked so hard. I always respected you so much for that. I thought you were amazing. And tough. I wish I could have told you how much I thought of you.

And out spoken!  No one had to wonder what you thought or how you felt. And you didn’t give a flying flip if they didn’t like it. I loved that about you. I trusted you for that reason too.

I wish I could have sat with you, just one more time, and had a conversation with you. I would have loved to have known what you thought about things now. No doubt you would have been full of advice – sprinkled with wit and wisdom as your words always were.

I do remember you getting after me for keeping the freezer door open during that hot summer. And you were right – but it was so hot!  And I know you thought of me as strange; this spirited girl, with all the boyfriends, and the weird ways. But you loved me too. Just as I am – strange, clumsy and awkward me. I can only imagine how many times you just shook your head when it came to me, how exasperated you were over the years. How many times you laughed at my odd ways of thinking when I wasn’t looking. How many times you asked my mother about me, and chuckled at her answers.

But I wanted you to know how much you have meant to me over the years. How your watchful eye has meant so much to me. And the affect you have had on me and my life. You will forever be a part of my youth. A wonderful part of growing up, of coming back home, of being loved. And I will miss you. And I will always love you.

Your 2nd daughter,

Ada

Spanx For Playing

We should open a store called Forever 39 and sell wine and Spanx.

Being a curvy girl is a wonderful thing. And I have found that I truly love my new-found curves. Because you are soft, curvy, feminine and very womanly. It’s great to have hips, but, thighs and boobs.  And it’s great that I little invention called Spanx helps keeps everything from spilling out and bulging over in the tighter fitting knit styles that are so popular today.

What is not wonderful? Trying to wiggle, squirm, squeeze and contort to get into these Spanx – especially every time you have to go to the bathroom.  I think I’ll pass up the gym today – I’ve already had my workout. Anyone who has ever worn them, or even seen these tiny things come out of the package, has wondered how in the heck are these going to fit? You know what I am talking about.

There are 1 piece top and bottoms, then there is the one piece – which I have – that smooths everything, tummy, belly, hips and thighs. It is perfect if you have a long-ish outfit. Basically it takes an act of congress to negotiate out of the one piece Spanx. No matter what you are wearing (today it’s a dress) you have to take all of it off just to get to the Spanx. So you better hope the stall has enough room to get undressed. After you take your clothes off, then you have to take off your panty hose, if wearing them. Ok, that’s easy enough, just takes time. Then you get to the magic that keeps everything the place.

You have to do the Out-of-Spanx dance, that makes you look like you are from Outer space. First, you get the straps over your shoulder, and slowly suck in as you peel the Spanx off of your upper torso.. Then you wiggle to get the Spanx off your waste…and then…it’s the hips. If you are like me…and you have lot s s O’Hip…this is a challenge. You suck in, wiggle, woggle (yes, that is a word) stretch and eventually they will slowly start to budge.

After you get them off, then you have to contort, wiggle and dance to get them back on. You have stretch the Spanx beyond what it seems their capacity to be and smooth them out to make sure everything is in place underneath and nothing is bulging in the wrong spaces. Once everything is in place, you can put your clothes back on and step out of the stall.

So men, if your girlfriend, who looks fabulous in that dress, is taking a long time in the bathroom, changes are she may be stuck in Spanx. (Think of the episode of Friends where Ross gets stuck on those leather pants…). It’s also a bit like Bridget Jones wearing the panties that make it more likely to have sex, unless the dress comes off….but so be patient– it takes a lot to look this hot. But don’t worry, we’re worth it.

A Moment

It is the rush of the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, dinners, decorating and family get-togethers. It is a time that we seem to rush around, hardly time to do anything besides get to the next thing we have to do. And this holiday season seems to be busier than those past.

But last night I took a walk in my quiet little neighborhood. I listened to the silence of the evening, looked at the lights and Christmas decorations that were around. There were children playing in the distance, laughing and running. I thought about my life, and the past year. All of the ups and downs, all of the events that made it 2013.

And through all of it all, there have been so many blessings woven in, even the bad times. I just needed some time and space to see them. And isn’t that how it always is? Things always seem to work out for the best, and end up just as they should. We just may not ever be able to predict the road that gets us there.

This year I have seen love, loss, heartache, joy, anger, Peace, struggles, having money, being poor, letting go, hanging on, breathing in, cleaning out and rising up .I have supported my family and had others support and help me. When I think back at just what has happened in the past year, it’s almost overwhelming to think of it all.

But I am so very thankful for being here, right now, in this place. It’s been a long road, but Bliss is all around. And it had taken a lot of work. Many think that happiness just lands in a persons lap. It doesn’t. It’s a decision you make and re-make every day. Work you do to keep it every day. But it’s worth it, to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

So this holiday season, take .a moment. Pause and reflect. Eve for those for whom the holidays are difficult, take pause and look around. When you do, I promise you will see wonderful things around you . No matter where you are, it could be worse, but it’s not. And the good thing is if you feel like you are at the bottom, there is now where to go but up.

Take a moment, see the lights and the decorations. Enjoy the cold crisp air. Notice the energy of others around you. Enjoy your favorite TV shows, some hot tea, or a warm bowl of soup. Because it’s the small things that add up to making a good life. But we must take time to appreciate them.

So take a moment.

No Regrets

I have no regrets, looking back on the landscape if this year, in this life. I have no regrets on what I have done and what has been left undone.

There are no words that haunt me, spoken or kept still. No actions that trouble my soul, no undone thrill.

There are no tears that have been dried or kept at bay, or escaping down my cheek from rims of wide weary eyes, that partake in regret.

No longing set free, no feelings left unturned. There is nothing to look back upon, and wish another way for me.

And as I look back, standing at the edge of this year, this long, hard, undone, overdone year, there is nothing that makes me want a other walk down the path or choose another road than the one I have traveled.

There has been compassion and contention, love, discord, pain and happiness. More joy than one can hold, more sorrow than one should endure. There have been sacrifices and giving of self, hiding, finding, sipping and devouring…it all.

I am all of it, every bit. The complete all of it, the unfinished of it, the breadth and depth of it. I am glad for it all, the good bad and the big and small.

I have no regrets waking up with you, all of you and your deals, wet from us and warm with skin on mine. No regrets of swimming, riding with my bare feet on the dash or taking a shower in the rain. No regrets sitting, listening to drops on the tin roof, in your little place. No regrets of you at all.

No regrets for fighting for family and what is right. None for being brave, saying what is felt and what should have been said long ago. No regrets for the love and loss of the year as it has passed.No regrets for the mistakes and lessons learned.

There has been hard work, harder play and many things let go this year. I carried the map of my life with every. Single. Heartbeat. And you were there too. Yes you.

Books have been read, put down and some left unfinished. Thoughts written down and lost or erased from time. And still, no regrets. Nooks and crannies have been explored, many prayers said and blessing given. Dreams have come to fruition, nightmares have been banished beneath the cloak of in in which they came.

I have carried this heart, heavy with sorrow and joy, across this country, in cars, in airplanes, in boats, up on a horse in hiking trails, in the woods, in the city, to work, to run, in water, in the anonymity of the night, and the harsh light of day.

This year, this 12 months, I have been the judge and jury, been judged and done the judging, been right, wrong, black, white and gray. I have laid it all out and picked up the deck.

And at the end of this year, this moment in my life, there is Peace. There is happiness. Mostly because, all because, you have been in my heart.

A Post a Day

There are many things for which I am thankful. One of those things is the fact that I am a writer. I get paid to do that which I love. How many are that lucky? But every day, we still must strive to challenge ourselves, get out of our comfort zone and grow. This is the month for such things for me. I am actively stepping out of what makes me comfortable. There is a saying to do something every day that scares you.  That is my goal for this month of October.

The first day of the month, it was the dentist, yesterday it was setting in motion one of my goals in life, that also scares the crap out of me. Today, it is committing to challenging myself to write a blog a day for the rest of the month. This may not seem like a big deal, but to a writer to writes when I am inspired to write, this is a bit scary.

It’s challenging and scary because of everything involved. Will I have something interesting and intelligent to say every day in a public blog post? What will I write about? And to make the time commitment of posting every day is substantial. With work, freelancing, all of my family needs and then actually having a life with friends and a boyfriend, time is precious.

But that is part of stepping out of your comfort zone. You learn new things and new ways of doing old things. You stretch your creativity and go beyond your limits. You face your fears. Whatever they are, and whatever it is you are doing…Can I do it? Will I do it well? Will I be Ok doing it? How will I feel when I have done it? What do I want to learn and get out of it? What if I fail?

Relax. Take a breathe. You will do fine. This is life, and the fact that you are willing to challenge yourself, to grow, to learn, to face what makes you scared, it more than most do in a lifetime. So get out there and do it. You only live once.

So a post a day…for 31 days. OK. Let the creativity flow and the typing begin.

Falling for Fall

It is Fall here in the south. The weather is turning cooler, with the highs in the low 80’s and high 70’s. At night the air is crisp and cool, promising the cold of the winter to come. In a word, it is delicious. I love this time of year. The air-conditioning gets turned off and the windows or up at night, as the cooler temperatures makes sleeping under a warm blanket a wonderful experience…until you try to get out of bed the next morning. Car rides have the windows down and the radio up, as the cool fall air mixes with  the warm sun to make the perfect recipe for road trip.

The fall festivals have already started, and the leaves are beginning to turn colors. The air is light and fresh, as  are the spirits of those around. Yes, it is fall, yummy, cool, promising, busy and fun. This weekend was a great taste of what is to come.

Family is a big part of my life. My youngest nephew came up with his girlfriend to explore and go to see a concert. Leaving us boring adults behind, they went shopping, eating, concert going and had much fun just being together. But I suspect we boring old people had much more fun.

Friday night were “crack tots” and beer with friends. Crack tots, true to their name, are highly addictive. You cannot just have one of these delicious tots dipped in equally addictive cheese sauce.  Thank goodness they have no calories either (at least that is what I tell myself as I devour them). Later that night my nephew and his girlfriend arrived, and there was much laughter and love.

Saturday was crazy busy, as once again the two lovebirds went out looking for cool things to do in Atlanta. Breakfast was cooked, more laughter and lots of activity around the Burch household. Then it was time for the adults to play, as we planned a fun time downtown. A friend of mine has a brother who bought a favorite bar, so we went down for the celebration. And we celebrated a lot. There were hugs of friend that I had not seen for a=years, laughter, catching up, eating and drinking. There was great live music, an old bank vault filled with everything Elvis, dancing and lots of Johnny Cash. There were pictures and smiles, and of course, several times I nearly tripped.

Sunday brought about sleeping late, brunching and lots of laughter and love

And I have to say that I am falling in love…with this season, and these weekends, and my family, and this time, these moments, in life. I am falling for Fall. And it is wonderfully delicious!

The Life of Family

When you have family living with you, life changes a bit from living on your own. You see it in movies, and it’s true. There are all kinds of interesting and funny moments. And considering at any time in the past moments I could have had 5 people and 7 cats, the soil has been ripe with opportunities for comedy moments. Take the typical day:

I wake up to the purring and kitties looking for attention, giving  me kisses, poking my face for attention and trying to sleep on my face. Then, at another point before sunrise, I hear my sister get up and get ready. Then I hear the beeping of the alarm system as she leaves.

After the sunrises, I get up to an entire bed full of cats. As I am in the shower, I hear the familiar cry of the kittens who don’t like me going where they can’t go – the shower being one of those places. I stick my head out several times to so they can see me. Inevitably, this leads them to think, once again, that may be able to squeeze in between the drops and not get wet. Wrong. They try to come in, discover the rainstorm, panic and run out.

Then I notice that the cream rinse is gone…the 7 bottles of shampoo are there – but the one bottle of conditioner is missing. Must be in their bathroom since they ran out (note to self pick up more conditioner at the store).

As I get out of the shower, they have recovered and are now jumping up trying to catch the towel as I wrap it around my hair with playful eyes and little sharp claws.

Next is the sink…and trying to brush my teeth, wash my face as they jump in and out of the stream of water…and then they get bored with that. And as I reach for my toothbrush…I notice one of them chewing on it. Time for a new toothbrush! But the seemingly endless stash of new toothbrushes that are (were) under the sink are gone…Great. (Note to self: buy more new toothbrushes. Hide them.)

If it is a morning where I take my nephew to campus, after trying not to trip over cats racing us down the stairs, we gather our things downstairs, make our lunch and fix our coffee before the ride. There is quite a bit of hustle and bustle.  Lots of tripping over cats, feeding them, and making plans for what do to for dinner. Then it is off in the car, listening to classical music, and discussing things that make me feel very intelligent…mostly.

At the end f the day, when everyone is home, it’s either a sit down dinner, where all the events of the day are discussed, jokes and made and wine is poured. Or a “fend for yourself” evening where we all grab what is yummy out of the fridge. We congregate downstairs by the TV, watching the Science Channel, or up in my room, they sitting on the bed lightly talking while the TV is on and I am at the desk writing. Or I will be in my sisters room, in her bed, she at her desk, and my nephew coming in to discuss things as he thinks of them.

There is laughter, plans discussed and made and just good family time. And many moments that make a house a home. A happy home.

The Feeling of Fall

only the beginning of September, yet for the past two days there has been a chill in the air. Something that is not usual for this time of year in the South. Long sleeves are not usually required in the dog days of summer. It is a welcome break from the heat and humidity that has been hanging around, a welcome break of fresh cool air that allows one to turn off the air conditioner and raise the windows. A break to air out the heavy scent of summer.

No doubt, the feel of fall is upon us, even if the season is still a ways away. This little cold snap teasing us as if to say “Hang on, the summer won’t be here forever, so wrap up the summer business and get ready for all Fall has to offer.” Yes, time to get ready and start school, make sure all supplies to be needed are had, wrap up those summer romances, pack up the beach towels and sunscreen, and head back to the world.

Many feel the sting of summer ending and don’t like it. I am somewhat relieved that summer is coming to an end. It has been a busy spring and summer, full of challenges, changes, transformations and hard work. Now it is time to enjoy what all that brings. There will still be hard work ahead, but there will be so much more to enjoy in the fall months ahead. Finally, a rest after such a busy summer. Finally able to breathe in the cool air, and let it’s lightness fill me as I pray to the Heavens that all sacrifice has been worth it.

A touch of fall is in the air, the cool promise of things to come.