A friend of mine and I were discussing this quote last week, and we came to a great conclusion that this is just as true pertaining to people as it is flowers. Especially when it comes to dating and relationships. It has often been said that the things you may first find enduring in a relationship, is what you may later find annoying. That may be true, but one thing remains: You cannot change someone else. If you fall in love with them, then try to change them, they are no longer that person with whom you fell in love. But many have a tendency to do this. There is even a play called “I love you, Your Perfect, Now Change” that illustrates this perfectly.
If you fall in love (or even in like) with someone who is a free spirit, or is fiercely independent, self sufficient and very defiant of anyone who tries to control them, then don’t try to tame that spirit. For it is beautiful. Someone who cannot be controlled, who goes with their faster than another’s wishes, or who plays by their own rules…if that is what fascinated you about them, then let them shine. To try to change them would kill the very thing that makes them beautiful to you.
I have often said that I cannot live in captivity, I will not be tamed. I am free. It is just a matter of finding the one with whom I can run.
“Maybe some women weren’t meant to be tames. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.”
I have no regrets, looking back on the landscape if this year, in this life. I have no regrets on what I have done and what has been left undone.
There are no words that haunt me, spoken or kept still. No actions that trouble my soul, no undone thrill.
There are no tears that have been dried or kept at bay, or escaping down my cheek from rims of wide weary eyes, that partake in regret.
No longing set free, no feelings left unturned. There is nothing to look back upon, and wish another way for me.
And as I look back, standing at the edge of this year, this long, hard, undone, overdone year, there is nothing that makes me want a other walk down the path or choose another road than the one I have traveled.
There has been compassion and contention, love, discord, pain and happiness. More joy than one can hold, more sorrow than one should endure. There have been sacrifices and giving of self, hiding, finding, sipping and devouring…it all.
I am all of it, every bit. The complete all of it, the unfinished of it, the breadth and depth of it. I am glad for it all, the good bad and the big and small.
I have no regrets waking up with you, all of you and your deals, wet from us and warm with skin on mine. No regrets of swimming, riding with my bare feet on the dash or taking a shower in the rain. No regrets sitting, listening to drops on the tin roof, in your little place. No regrets of you at all.
No regrets for fighting for family and what is right. None for being brave, saying what is felt and what should have been said long ago. No regrets for the love and loss of the year as it has passed.No regrets for the mistakes and lessons learned.
There has been hard work, harder play and many things let go this year. I carried the map of my life with every. Single. Heartbeat. And you were there too. Yes you.
Books have been read, put down and some left unfinished. Thoughts written down and lost or erased from time. And still, no regrets. Nooks and crannies have been explored, many prayers said and blessing given. Dreams have come to fruition, nightmares have been banished beneath the cloak of in in which they came.
I have carried this heart, heavy with sorrow and joy, across this country, in cars, in airplanes, in boats, up on a horse in hiking trails, in the woods, in the city, to work, to run, in water, in the anonymity of the night, and the harsh light of day.
This year, this 12 months, I have been the judge and jury, been judged and done the judging, been right, wrong, black, white and gray. I have laid it all out and picked up the deck.
And at the end of this year, this moment in my life, there is Peace. There is happiness. Mostly because, all because, you have been in my heart.
There is a saying that all work and no play makes for a dull life. That certainly could not be said of life recently. Summer has wrapped up, fall is in the air and fun is everywhere. The last few months have seen so many wonderful adventures, first tries, new experiences, new friends, lots of laughter, so many memories and lots of smiles.
This past weekend almost a blur of activity with wonderful friends. There was a bike ride on a friends Harley, hot tubbing, dancing, singing, brunching, and topped off with a night of incredible music filled with so much soul it brought one of my friends and I to tears. I haven’t danced like that in a few years. And some of the best places to dance are redneck bars – where many on the dance floor have already taken off their shoes. Club dancing is fun – if you have on a super hot fabulous outfit, if you want to see and be seen, and if you want to meet models…but for just plain, fun, don’t care how I look, just want to have fun dancing, you need a red neck bar. Trust me on this.
Riding on the back of a bike is wonderful. To be that free, to have the wind rushing past you, is amazing and the best way to travel. And with someone trusted it is pure fun. And to do something just for the pure fun of it is something we forget to do as adults. We have responsiblities and haven;t the time for such nonsense. What. Ev. Ah. Always be curious.
Then there was a the roller derby – a friend had extra tickets. Having never been to a roller derby, and being the adventurous type that is always up for trying new tings, I said yes before i could lace up the roller skates. If you never been to one and ever get the chance to go, do it. It is so much fun. It’s like going to a hockey game. Except it’s on skates. And it’s girls. My nephew loved it and thought it was the best thing since the National Cheer-leading Competition cam to Atlanta. Sitting with friends, drinking cheap beer while in a packed stadium, watching girls on roller skates zip around the track and push each other around was a total blast.
Next was going to a dirt track and watching all the races – formula cars, mustangs, more kinds of cars and races than I can remember. Don’t go for the beer – they don’t serve it, but it’s a great family atmosphere with lots of cars that go fast and make a lot of noise. Perfect for a father/son outing. Or just a couple sisters hanging out with a friend. And I almost managed to NOT smile anything. Almost.
In the past month I have also worked quite a bit in a friends shop. I remember my dad having a hue shop and doing a lot of woodwork. As he would work, I would hear the loud sound of the saw, smell the saw dust then hear the hammer or sander. So it was so much fun to go into my friends shop and watch as he worked with the wood and metal, instructing me what to do and how to do it. I helped build shelves. Yes, I had done this before, but not in many years. And I stained the shelves. And then they were put up in his house, where they will be used and loved for many years. It was a great feeling to have made something out of nothing. To have it be tangible, useful and pretty.
And I have gone swimming in a river, in the woods, where only the locals go. Again, something I have grown up doing, but not for a long time. And I have ridden in a truck, with the windows down and my feet either on the dash, or out of the window, in true, southern style. I have driven miles and miles, gone hiking, listened to the rain on a tin roof, felt sound and been exhausted from pure joy of life.
Yes, I have worked very hard during this time, but in the spirit of keeping things balanced I have done something new. I have played just as hard as well. I have taken pause and time to take care of the playful in me. I have indulged my curiosity, sung at the top of my lungs, listened to the crickets and watched the magic of the fireflies.
And I have let my emotions go as well. I have cried when I felt like it instead of holding back. And even when it was scary, I was vulnerable, and let others comfort me in my tears. I have known the pain of too much tenderness. And in morning, when the sun rose, there was always a new chance.
So play as hard as you work. Take as many chances as you can, as many new experiences as you can stand and drink them up like a sponge. Because you will never get that day, that chance again. And you never know just what treasure you may find.
live authentically., live honestly. Live passionately.
It is so very interesting how people get from there to here, here being where ever they are now. And I wonder if life ever happens exactly as we think it will. All the roads we take, the paths to which they lead, and the adventures we take that we not on our planned road map.
For instance, I never thought I would be a writer. But it just came so natural that I didn’t even think about it. Funny how something can be so comfortable and natural that it doesn’t even occur to you. But it means something.
Even in school, I wrote plays and reports. Friends and classmates would have me look over and edit their assignments. I started that in 3rd grade. Even the teachers in third grade asked me to help them write a play they were writing specifically for the school. At the time I thought nothing about it. I’ve written in a journal since I was 10.
In high school got A’s for writing assignments, research papers and short stories. But do not ask me to diagram a sentence. I can’t do it. But I can write. In college I loved English classes and have always been a bookworm as a child and an adult
By the time I was an adult in the working world, every where I went they had me write once they saw I could do it. In addition to my regular job duties, I wrote sales copy, commercial copy, reports, memos, white papers, web copy, SEO copy, press releases, news articles, public service announcements and press releases. If they needed it,, I wrote it. For 20 years.
And then I became a writer, once I figured out that is what I was all along. And now I get paid to live my dream every day. But I never thought I would be here, but am so happy I am.
And in life, would we want it any other way? People have asked if I ever wished I started as a writer earlier. No, I tell them, because as it turns out I was a writer all along, and my experiences in other industries, doing other things has only enriched my career that I have now. I could not be the writer I am without having had gone down those winding paths to here.
The things we do, adventures we have, the people we meet along the way to where we are going, even when we are not on the path on which we thought we would be…are what make our lives and ourselves, what they are. Those paths we take to here, change us and make our lives all the better.
So pay attention to those paths and to what is so comfortable that it may otherwise go unnoticed. Because those paths lead to the most bliss indeed. I have followed those subtle things, and I am happier than I have ever been. But first you must have the courage and passion to follow them, even if they make no sense, even if others call you crazy. And maybe you have to be a little crazy to take the path of your dreams, no matter what others think or say. Maybe you have to be just a little crazy to find that kind of peace and happiness.
So let the naysayers have all the negativity. You will be too busy being happy to even notice what others are saying anyway.
A friend sent me these OLD pictures…dating back to High school to about 5 years ago. Hysterical!
The Gang posing. age 19What was I thinking with all those bangs?? Age 15Again, whats up with those bangs? Age 16.Homecoming. Age 17THe Gang again. Age 19Yeah, I thought I was a model, Haha! Age 14Promo radio shot with my then morning partner. Age 27In NYC. Age 30Very tired girl. Age 16Junior in high school. Wow, was my hair really that long?On the beach with my BFFHalloween 1992, age 19Me back in my radio days. Age 29The famous “ass shot” taken when modeling in NYCKiss me…again, what’s up with the hair?Short hair, Age 34Long hair again, Age 33Me and Mom, the pick ladies, Age 33
We all have those moments that just get right down to the core of you. My family and I have been so very blessed, but still there is worry.
Two months ago he came up for a very large dose of chemo. Today there is the MRI to find if the chemo worked or if the tumors are still in his liver.
All signs are good that the tumors are gone. But still there is worry. When you love someone, no matter how faithful you are, there is still worry and a bit of fear. You want those you love to be healthy. And when there is a chance that they are not, then it sits in your stomach like a ball of lead. It stays in your mind and on your heart.
So if you are a person of faith, please say a prayer that the chemo worked. That he is healthy and will not need any more treatments. Thank you.
Grace in Motion
I have written much about my search for Grace. I have prayed for it, sought it out, taken deep breaths to attain it. And I have, many times in the last few months, been very proud of the Grace I have displayed when others have hurt me. But even I have my limits.
It seems I have Grace for the most part…except when I need it most. This past week has been an example. This past week, a few things happened that cut me to the core. Deep cuts born from lies others have told, lied about those lies and left me wondering why I did not see them before now.
And it is during these times that I need Grace the most. But then I am only human, and even though I strive for Grace at all times, I have slipped a time or two. Between those events happening, anxiety over my father’s health and a bad case of PMS with a shortage of chocolate, I have been a girl in a mad mood on a mission.
And that is part of being human, you make mistakes, react in bad ways sometimes, try and fail, fall short of what you want to be, try again harder, and hopefully you learn a but along the way.
Our lives are always in motion, moving forward, moving on, moving past everything before it. And as I take a deep breath, I have to let go of the fear, of my father’s health, of being betrayed again, of more lies, of frustration, of being hurt. Because as our lives are in motion, so is our Grace, and compassion and empathy for others.
Grace is defined as: Mercy; clemency. To give kindness and consideration beyond what is deserved. I have not followed this definition as I should have. This is something that can be difficult for a fiery red-head to learn. One would thing that if you have found Peace as I have, Grace would not be far behind. But the art of Grace is just that, an art. And maybe one has a lot of training in order to get it right.
I am a work in motion, as is the Grace that I strive to practice on a daily basis. Every day starts a new, with promises of mistakes not to be made.
We all have those times when we look around and realize that it is the last day…of high school, of college, of a particular career, of many things in life. It is the end. And there is a new beginning that awaits.
Today is it. The last day…of my 30’s. And looking back, it has been a great decade. And I have learned so much. And I have worked hard and accomplished much. I think that the decade of my 30’s was working hard and establishing myself – my personality, my career and talent, my writing, myself. Now, entering into my 40’s, I have nothing to prove to anyone. Been there, done that. And they can kiss my bum if they don’t like it.
My 30’s truly were magnificent. And I say goodbye to them fondly. When I think back, I smile. Some of my best times have been in this decade. Some of the worst times too, but all in all the good has far outweighed the bad.
I have been in NYC, had trips of a lifetime. I have dined in some of the finest restaurants in my 30’s. I have enjoyed being flown in private planes, for private weekends in the Bahamas. I have held and stolen kisses. I have worked hard, traveled well, had money and been completely broke (having money is better, btw). I have been naive and been very smart. I have been the outcast and the toast of the town\, been the object of praise and scorn. I have cried tears of joy and of immense sorrow.
And I have done it all my way. I have kept true to myself, my integrity and my code of honor. And I am proud of this. Many cannot say the same. And the mistakes that I have made? Well, they just made me smarter. The people who have hurt me? They just made me better and stronger.
And so here I am. On the eve of my 40th birthday, and I know the next ten years will be even better than the last. And I truly cannot wait for the adventure, memories that will be made, truths that will be discovered and told, and smiles and laughter that will be had, good times all the wonder of life. Bad times? Oh, I am sure there will be a few mixed in there, but I am not worried.
And aging? Forgetaboutit! Father Time and I made a deal a long time ago, that I would only get better with age. Like a fine wine. And so, those tiny wrinkles? Those little laugh lines? Even gravity…they do not scare me. I am Ada. I am a Burch. I am my Father’s daughter. I am my Mother’s daughter. And I am about to be 40. And so I say to life:
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu
More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.
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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different loves and all the different levels.
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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?
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This is where I find myself to day. as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.
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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.
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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.
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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.
I have a confession to make. And it’s pretty big, so you may want to sit down. Here it is: I am a misfit. Yep. Totally. Absolutley.
According to the Briggs-Meyers personality test, I am an ENTJ, which for those people who know me in reality, describes me to a T. And I am also quite a bit of a misfit. I am clumsy, often put my foot in my mouth, my entire life is a sitcom of embarrassing and Bridget Jones type situations. And my lack of ability to spell on this blog puts me in rare company. Let’s face it, anyone who manages to drop their drug test pee cup in front of a super hot guy, or trip over a couch in a furniture store just has to accept the fact that they are different.
But everyone else is different too, that makes me normal. Kind of.
Being a misfit is not all bad. Many people and companies can benefit from the “misfits.” These traits are what also make me creative and able to write so well. These traits are what give me the ability to communicate with such a huge cross-section of people about such a wide array of topics. These traits are also what get me into trouble from time to time.
Details are very important. and they are the bane of my existence. I am horrible at details. When I was in school, I could do the math in my head, but hard a hard time getting the right answers when I worked them out long hand. Want to see both a frustrated student and teacher? Try a student who can only do the math in her head, and a teacher who can’t get the student to get the right answer worked out on paper. I couldn’t explain how I got it right, but the teacher knew I wasn’t cheating because I did not have access to the answers.
Which is more important though, the ability to pay attention to detail, or the ability to concentrate? Not sure. I do have great concentration abilities. Which is good because I am so bad at details. I have to concentrate very hard to be meticulous. And it works. I often uncover details in my research that no one else can find and am able to put the information together in ways others can not connect. And the great thing about being an adult and not in school is that you can just call it “instinct,” and then you don’t have to explain it on paper.
Listening is also a great ability to have, but it is one that does not come natural to me either. That is because many times my brain is going so fast with ideas that I miss out on what the other person is saying. I have to concentrate, once again, on slowing down and make a conscious effort to listen. That takes an effort. So what it boils dow to is this: If I care about you I will listen to you. If I don’t, I won’t. Because if I don’t care about you, why would I care what you have to say? It’s not very politically correct, but that is the reality.
What I have found about listening is that it’s an intensely intimate act. To quiet your own thoughts down enough to hear the other persons voice is tremendous. To really take in what they are saying, comprehend the meaning behind it, and listen to what they are not saying as well. Listening is an act of compassion, caring, empathy and love. Because just the single act of listening creates connection. You cannot truly listen to another and not feel a connection, whether positive or negative.
Listening also forces you to take a step back and consider other possibilities. I am a bit of a control freak, but if I listen to what someone I care about wants, and it is different from what I want, I have to let go. I have to give up control and let the other person in. Listening forces you to let go, because if you care about the other person, what they want and how they feel, you want them to be happy. Others cannot be happy if you are always in control.
Another thing that makes me a misfit? The fact that when I am in my car I have conversations in my head. I think of how the best way to handle meetings, conflicts and conversations. I plan out what I need to say and how. That is how much of a control freak I am. So listening to others helps me stay connected with others. Listening helps me let life unfold on it’s own, without my interference.
Those are the big things that contribute to my misfitness. There are also the issues of my extreme clumsiness, my inability to grow houseplants without killing them, the fact that I must walk on my tip toes when happy or when going up stairs, the extreme need for a daily fix of chocolate and a ridiculous work ethic.
But looking around, many others have those issues too. So maybe we can all be misfits, together.
I have not been writing as much recently, or in the last few days or so. This is a bit odd to be because I am used to writing and posting almost every day. But something is happening. I am busy enjoying life.
And it occurred to me that sometimes you have to stop writing about life, and start living it in order to have something valuable to write and say later. Sometimes you have to take a break, take a few steps back, gain perspective and just enjoy.
It is different than writers block, because frankly I do have a lot about which to write. But they are things that might seem boring, like how I love to sit and look at the Christmas tree when the lights are off. Or how much I am looking forward to my sister’s visit for her birthday. Or even how thrilled I am that the Christmas presents that I have ordered for loved ones are arriving. Or how much I look forward to going to the formal holiday parties and dressing up, how much I enjoy re-connecting with friends right now, how I am enjoying long slow kisses, my new work space, even getting lost in the new parking deck for 30 minutes (have I mentioned my lack of sense of direction?). How O need to vacuum my house because the dust bunnies are waging war against the tufts of cat hair. How I am enjoying my house plants actually blooming inside, or how much I am looking forward to New Years.
How I am enjoying long looks, happy dinners and much laughter. How it is shopping with friends, finding the perfect dress with the perfect fit, a glass of wine and good conversation, a hot cup of tea, a fire, a long run, crisp mornings, purring kitties, snuggling up to him that is making life just delicious. THat taking a break is not always a bad thing, that it can mean that life is blooming right before your eyes.
I am actually too busy enjoying all of these things to actually take the time to write about them as much as I want. And that may not be a bad thing. It is often what others may find boring that comprises our lives. But that does not mean out lives are boring, far from it actually. Because life is mostly made up of those tiny little moments that may not mean much to others, but mean so much to each one of us individually. Life is all that which we do not write, that makes it so wonderful, mysterious, interesting and beautiful. Life is what happens between the lines.
So here I am, enjoying my spot between the lines. Enjoying the “boring” parts, where everything in my life right now is special, magic and wonderful, and just for me.
So here it is, the last day of the month. The last day of the Thankfulness exercise. You should be thankful every day, for all the gifts you have and take for granted. But this has been a great exercise, to make a conscience effort, every day, to be thankful for something, then take the time to write it down. It has been fun, I have learned much and I walk away more aware than I was before. And for the last days:
Day 29, Well Being: These days there is just a general sense of well being all around. I am aware of how luck and blessed I am,for so much in my life. And a sense of well being is not to be taken for granted, and I have done that in the past. When you go through hard times, you loose that sense, and when you gain it back again, months later, you are very aware of it. And I am thankful.
Day 30, my body: I am very thankful for my body. I have made great use of it,m and it has been of great service to me. I have taken this body through so much. I have abused it, fed it poorly, given it little rest, and yet it has never failed me. I have put this body on top of a horse, on boats, across miles of running and walking paths, over mountains and rainy days, pushed it up stairs when it was tired and sore, traveled to difference continents, lifted tons of weight, carried broken hearts, the souls and of dead, the darkness of fears and the light of hope. I have poundedthe pavement with this body, cried an ocean of endless tears, been cold, hungry, restless and with every heart beat, my body has given me more than I would have ever thought. This body carried my hope, dreams, thoughts, love, disappointments, joy, laughter, mischief, sadness, madness, my spirit, intellect and that that is light and dark within me. It is truly marvelous.
Day 28, Christmas decorations: Today I am thankful for Christmas decorations. This past Thanksgiving weekend, my Mother decided to pass her huge collection of Christmas Ornaments on to My sister and I. This was sad and exciting at the same time. Sad because she will not be putting up a Christmas Tree, exciting because the ornaments I have looked at since I was a little girl will now be hanging on my tree.
The decorating has already started and by the time it is all done, it will look like Christmas exploded in my house. Already there is mistletoe, Mr. and Mrs Claus by the front door and big red velvet bows. There are Christmas place mats and table clothes, bowls, candle holders, stockings and stocking holders. There are Christmas pot holders, mantle decorations, a table top Christmas tree, tinsel, wall hangings and Salt and pepper shakers. And that is just the beginning!
The Christmas tree will be put up and decorated tonight. My little Charlie Brown tree will be loaded down with Christmas ornaments old and new. There will be lights, balls, crosses, angels, bears, sheep, candy canes, mice, bells, bows, Santas, and even a Christmas Octopus. Oh, it will be wonderful. And the whole time the tree is being decorated, there will be Christmas music playing.
Did I mention I get a little excited and go maybe a little bit overboard with the Christmas decorations? But it makes me happy to sit at night, with all the lights off, except of the soft glow of my little Christmas tree, lights shining like little diamonds. Once I even kept it up until September. It was the New Years Tree, the St. Pat’s Day Tree, the Easter Tree, the Labor Day Tree…it was great even if all of my friends made fun of me and called me a redneck. I just hated the idea pf taking it down. (note: The ornaments get very dusty when left up that long. Dust often)
The first year I had a cat I made the mistake of putting the pretty tinsel onto the tree…and then I discovered a very colorful litter box. Oh you have not experienced the joys of pet ownership until you have fished multi-colored tinsel out of a little box.
Then there was the cat who loved to get a running start and fly into the Christmas tree. His name was Taz. I came home once and found all but one branch torn off the tree that year. Well, the branches he did d not try to eat anyway. That was also the year he ate my favorite strappy sandals, my iPod and my favorite sweater. Alas, I do not have that very sweet, albeit hungry kitty anymore.
There was the time I got tangled up in my Christmas tree and fell to the floor with a thud. I am sure to the outside public it might have looked as if the tree had come alive and was flailing around the floor. It might have even looked like a Christmas tree monster. Oddly enough, my cats have been terrified to come near the Christmas tree since then.
And this year will be extra special. I did not put a tree up last year as I was just too busy. That was the first year of my life that there was no Christmas tree, so this year must be extra special to make up for it.
The remainder of the weekend was met with much laughter and togetherness. I don;t think any of us has had a better time for Thanksgiving. It was truly wonderful. And comical.
I got up Saturday morning to help Dad with a few outside chores around the yard. Now my parents have chickens because they like organic eggs, or yard eggs as they are often called. I opened the back door only to see one of my parents 4 chickens running across the yard as fast as it could. Not far behind her was another one – the two of them running back to the pin like they had been caught doing something bad. I could help but watch them completely amused. Not something you usually see before finishing your first cup of coffee.
My mother planned to have my sister and I go through her many Christmas ornaments since she has decided not to put up a Christmas tree anymore. This is the end of an era, truly. Christmas has always been a huge deal at Mom’s house, the putting up and decorating of the tree the crux of the activity. It was always fun for the entire family and from which many of the family Christmas traditions have come. So for the last time, my Dad and I completed the annual Christmas Box March. This tradition is taking all the boxes of Mom’s Christmas ornaments out of storage in one of their many buildings and marching them up the hill and across the yard into the house where Mom has designated a space for them. But this is no ordinary March with a few boxes of Christmas stuff, no. This is a march worthy of it’s own parade.
They have been married 45 years, and that is 45 years of Mom collecting all kinds of ornaments. There are ornaments of every size shape and color imaginable. They shine, they sparkle, they glitter, sing, swing, sway, hold, light up, din down and everything in between. Indeed, it is a display of everything Christmas on the tree with angels, Santa’s, mice, dear, cats, crosses, nativities, stockings, eggs, drums, boats, candy canes, Bibles, Christmas books, balls, icicles, there is even a Christmas Octopus. There are so many ornaments you literally can only see them all upon large and long inspection of the Christmas tree. Oh, and then there are the snitch baskets, can’t forget those.
When my father and I were done, we had marched 24 boxes of Christmas decorations into the house. Yes, 24 boxes. This does not include the actual Christmas tree – which is 10 feet high and 6 feet wide at the base. It weighs about 150 pounds and is actually in a giant duffel bag big enough to hold 10 bodies. One of us is usually in charge of getting this giant monstrosity and dragging it uphill, across the yard and into the house. But not this year, which inspired both relief and a bit of melancholy all at the same time. And we still did not find all of her ornaments.
Going through the ornaments and dividing them up was not as painful as one might have thought. My sister and I are so different that we liked different ornaments, and the ones we both liked we agreed to “share” and take turns with every Christmas. This should be much fun. When I am done decorating this year, it will no doubt look like Christmas exploded in my house. and I will love every bit of it. I brought back ornaments, candle holders, mantle decorations, wall hanging, table centerpieces, Santa salt and pepper shakers, teddy bear door guards, door hangers, place mats and much more.
There of course, was also the traditional wine run, standard when all of us get together. Along with so much laughter between my sisters misbehaving feet, the snowmen hanging and other such silly things.
Before I left there was of course the traditional Dad Looking at The car time. We have decided that my mechanic needs to take a look at few things. There was the Mom Giving Away Plants to my Nephew Activity, wherein everyone congregates in the greenhouse and Mom proudly shows off her fine green friends. There are many oooooohs and aaaaaaaaahhhs. Dad and I picked persimmons, Mom and I had great conversations as I drank coffee every morning with her. And then there was also the traditional “Gram Breakfast’ that is world famous. Or at least famous in our family.
And in the four days that have passed, I have eaten more than I have in the past four months. And my skinny pants…are just a little too tight. Amazing how months of working out and staying fit can be completely undone in one holiday. Oh, but it was worth it. Cheesecake with Mom and Dad, midnight sundae cones, chocolate covered peanuts just because, lots of snacks, grilled cheese sandwiches, mac n cheese that is so yummy, wine and other delicious home cooked goodness from the Kitchen of Mom.
All in all, it was a great holiday, a great visit and a great time. i have so much fow which I am thankful. I have so much in my life that brings me joy. Life is good and I am happy.
Day 16, my eyesight: I have very bad vision without my contacts, but with them I have better than 20/20 vision. So I am thankful for my contacts and for my eyesight. I am thankful that I live in a time when contact lenses are a possibility.
Day 18, weather: I am thankful for beautiful weather. The weather with weekend has been wonderful, perfect for keeping the windows open in the house and letting fresh air inside while house cleaning. Hard to believe it is November with warmish/coolish sunny days. Perfect for curling up with a warm fuzzy blanket (which I am also very thankful for) and good books (again, for which I am thankful.
Day 19, contract and spell check: I am very thankful my contract has been extended. I love my job, I love where i work and they seem to love me too. I am also very thankful for spellcheck. Even though it might not seem like I use it much on this blog, I use it a great deal professionally. I am a great writer…not a great speller. And sometimes the thoughts pour out of me so fast that my hands cannot type the words fast enough and I have many typo’s. But that’s OK, you guts know what I mean.
I am also thankful for laughter and smiles. long sweet looks, slow kisses and good movies. I am thankful for long conversations, grilled cheese sandwiches, whispers and warm places.
I am thankful for Ranch Dressing, fried chicken and roller coasters. High heels, great boots and bathing suites. Glasses of wine, nail polish and earrings, hot chocolate, egg nog and Christmas trees. Nail clippers and cinnamon, and the smell of dinner cooking on the stove. Hugs, tissues, warm big sweaters and fuzzy socks, playing cards, chess and the Muppets.
Yes, this year I have so much for which to be thankful.
There are many things to love about Spring, with all the warm weather and new leaves. Summer is the season of fun and fall is when we finally cool down and enjoy the colors of the leaves. But what about winter? I think this season gets a bad reputation. Don’t get me wrong, i do hate to be cold, but winter is wonderful. Don’t think so? Just read continue reading.
hibernation: Suffering from a bit of overexposure after all the summer pool parties and fall festivals? Winter is the time to relax, rejuvenate and hibernate. Read a good book, watch your favorite movies, do those home projects you’ve been putting off. It gets dark sooner so it’s perfect for sleeping. And girls, take a break from shaving…yes! (girls, don;t even try to deny it, you know you’ve done it) We can also gain a few pounds since we’ll all be covered up on sweaters anyway. So go ahead, have that extra piece of pie. Yum!
Warm blankets and hot chocolate: They just go together like peanut butter and jelly. Wrap up in something soft and warm and drink that wonderful hot chocolate to heat you up from the inside out. Maybe even put a little Baily’s in it for some extra snap. Warm fuzzy socks are also great for the season. Along with warm, soft sweaters that guys love to see us girls wearing. Just be careful if you are a klutz like me and try not to spill really hot chocolate all over your favorite sweater…or your favorite guy.
Christmas lights and holidays: We get a lot of time off during the winter and see family (which, lets face it, can be good or bad). In between saying hello to creepy Uncle Bob and Dodging Aunt Nancy, we may find ourselves catching up with family we actually love and miss. We get to go shopping, sing Christmas carols and see all the wonderful Christmas lights. To me, they are magic. I love them and they make me happy. And if you don’t like the holidays…then boo to you! I’ll talk to you in the Spring thaw.
Fireplaces: Not too much beats the warmth and great sound of a fire. And I love to hear that wonderful crackle. Unfortunately, I have a gas fireplace, not a log burning one. It’s jsut not the same…Roasting marshmallows, having a glass of wine, laughing and long conversations are all made perfect by the fireside. Just remember, don’t drink too much by the fire…or you may fall in (not that that has ever happened…)
Snuggle weather: One of the best things about winter. Cold nights make for wonderful snuggling, and what better excuse to get cozy with that cutie you have a crush on than to keep warm? From cold nights to sitting by the fire to kissing in the snow…winter is made for love. As long as you don’t have the flu or have been near anyone who has been close to anyone who has the flu.
Boots: Nothing says winter like a great pair of boots for the season. And guys, you know you love when we wear them too. And they are made for walking away quickly should you encounter anyone with the flu.
Snow: Here in the south we don’t get that much snow, but when we do it’s a lot of fun…as long as you don’t have to drive in it. You don’t have to work and you can just stay home, make snow angels and snow men. And if it doesn’t snow this year, I plan to take a trip to the mountains to play. It is my goal to be kissed in the snow this year as well. I just have to find some mistletoe.These are just some of the great things about winter. As the season goes along I am sure there will be many more things to list. So get out those warms blankets and soft sweaters.
We all need those times when we are doing absolutely nothing. When life gets crazy rushed with work, traffic, a busy social schedule, cooking, cleaning, and a thousand other things that need to be done. And sometimes, we need to take a break, press refresh and just relax.
Last night was that night for me. I have a ton of things to do – writing, cleaning, running, organizing, a busy social life and the list goes on and on. But instead I sat on the couch, and watched a Harry Potter movie. I curled up, wrapped in a big, warm soft blanket, ate left over lasagna and stayed on the couch the entire night with my two cats. Sent a few text messages, but otherwise didn’t even answer the phone.
And it was wonderful. It seems that life gets more hectic with each day, and sometimes we just have to take a break and slow down. I didn’t even feel guilty.
Slowing down helps us recharge, take care of ourselves a bit, think about the past days, figure out plans of action, or just turn our brains off for a bit. And as I settle down, I realize the value of being still once again. It is very healing for me, as I am still and listen to that little voice, the voice of God. As I take the time to truly feel all that is happening around me.
And in my old age, it has become apparent, we must learn the fine art of doing nothing. We must take time for ourselves, by ourselves. To truly enjoy and revel in the life we have, to appreciate, to mourn, to laugh, to think, the plan, to enjoy, to love, to realize, to be happy, to be sad, to see the true wonderfulness of life, love and everything in between. Yes, sometimes, we simply must stop and be still.
The result is I am feeling much more rested and at peace today. And that is what happens when you allow yourself proper downtime. Yes, the art of doping nothing is delicious, and one should enjoy every minute of it. Because before long it will be time to rush off again, in the rhythm of life as the tides ebb and flow around us.
Day 14, Doctors: I am thankful for the doctors who have kept my family healthy and alive. 12 years ago my mother was diagnosed with stage 4+ Ovarion cancer. Last year my father was diagnosed with Liver cancer. Both are still alive and well today, thanks to amazing doctors and a lot of prayer.
Day 15, Coffee: Today I am thankful for coffee. It is the necter of the Gods and it makes me very happy. Coffee keeps me awake and able to not kill people on my drive into work.
Now that word has spread around that I am once again single, everyone has taken it upon themselves to find dates for me. I am getting offers for set ups like crazy. Even the head of security offered to set me up with some very nice men.
Why not? If nothing else I will meet some nice people and make some new friends. And it is a compliment that they think highly enough of me that they would set me up with their friends. And they all want to see me happy and in love. Who am I to argue?
And when someone comes recomended by a friend, you trust them a bit more than just any stranger you happen to meet, though a girl still has to be cautious. Plus my friends know if they set me up with a jerk I will write about it. So I go forward with an open heart, a smile on my face and good friends wanting the best for me.
In the spirit of being thankful for something each day this month, I am thankful for where I live and that Sandy did not hit us like it did up North. This area could just as easily be damaged by a strong storm. Funny that we think skyscrapers and big cities are indestructable. A few years ago a tornado came through Atlanta and did a lot of damage to the buildings downtown. I can only imagine what hours of a strong, slow moving hurricane could do.
The power outages when it is so cold, the flooding and homes that were destroyed, the tempuratures dipping down below freezing, the gas shortages, long lines and generators that are on empty. Many times when our lives are easy, we forget that there are others still dealing with what happened. Seeing the news and hearing how gas is being rationed, hearing from my friends who tell me how they are doing, and the things that the news doesn’t report…it makes me so very thankful that I am OK, that I have power, that gas is not at a shortage, that my house is dry and I am safe.
On a lighter note, I am also thankful for No Shave November, and all the men that have facial hair. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE facial hair. It makes me smile. 🙂
According to Dr. Russ Newman, “research has shown that resilience is not an extraordinary thing but is rather ordinary and can be learned by most anyone”.
Relience. The dictionary define resilience as The ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy. Resilience is what allows you to maintain a sense of well-being when you deal with the challenge.We have all been through those rough times. The truth is you really don’t know what someone is made of until you see them in the rough times. Anyone can be a great person when things are good and life is easy. And anyone can fake emotionaly stability when the waters are smooth. See someone is rough waters, see them at their worst if you really want to know them.
In the past I have been very resilient, able to get through rough times in a single bound. However, the last six months have been a challenge. When rough times happen, here are some things that help keep your head above water and keep you reslient. Being the research loving person I am, I set out to find the best advice the internet had to offer. and now, I bring it to you. You are welcome.
Take care of yourself:
This one is a hard one for me. Unfortunately sitting at home eating abundant amounts of chocolate and watching B movies does not count as taking care of yourself. who knew?
When we are stressed and going through a rough time, it’s easy to loose sleep, stop exercising and start eating badly. According to research by the Mayo Clinic, those who are physically well are more emotionally equipped to handle stress. So we cannot forget to take care of ourselves. Slow down, spend some time alone, listen to music, take a walk. Exercise releases endorphins into the your body and helps to lift the spirits.
Getting a hobby (or three) is also recommended. Whatever makes you feel happy, fulfilled or gives you a sense of purpose and utilizes your talents. I am getting into crocheting and photography. These are hobbies that I enjoy and for which I have a talent (well, we’ll see about crocheting…). Taking a class or joining a social group will also help you meet new people and get your mind off of your troubles.
Maintain a sense of control:
This one is oh so important, at least to me. Generally, resilient people tend to have what psychologists call an internal locus of control. Know that you have within yourself all that you need to make decisions that are important to your life. Look deep inside yourself and listen to that little voice inside of you, your gut instict. All that you need to get through, is right there.
When you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by a situation, take a step back to simply assess what’s in front of you. Think about possible solutions, break them down into steps and take baby steps. Martin Seligman, Positive psychology maven, says that a component of resilience is pervasiveness—not allowing a setback in one area to affect another. So keeping it together is a way to maintain control. This means, especially for women, to keep it together at work. Or al least close the door if you are going to get emotional. Never let them see you sweat, or cry. At least go to the bathroom if you don’t have an office.
problem-solving skills and critical thinking are also shown the help keep a person centered and resilient. Research suggests that people who are able come up with solutions to a problem are better able to cope. These skills are also key to self-esteem, which also plays an important role in coping with stress and recovering from difficult events.
Strong social connections:
Friends can help you through the rough spots. According tot he Mayo clinic, being able to reach out to others for support is a key component of being resilient. Those who have an broad support system recover faster from challenges in life. This has been a bit of a challenge for me, as I cut about 90% of my social group in the last year. But the people I have left in my life are solid, loyal and have integrity – and that is worth it’s weight in gold.
Sharing your problems with friends can help lighten the emotional load as we bounce solutions off our friends, get positive feedback or get out of the house and get our minds off of the problem.
See yourself as a Survivor:
You can’t really feel that locus of control unless you feel power to take action. You need to almost immediately feel that you have used your strength to survive something bad. Then tap into that strength to get through the emotional aftermath. Never see yourself as a victim because you loose your sense of control and purpose. You are a survivor, you have strength and courage. Look for ways to solve the problem, or deal with it in the best way possible. Always take the high road and always maintian a level of class. Hold your head up high and know you can and will get through it. While the situation may be unavoidable, you can still stay focused on a positive outcome.
Embrace Change:
This is a tough one for a lot of people, including me. I like things steady and predictable, but flexibility is an essential part of resilience. Why not see these events and challenges as opportunities to branch out in new direscitons? Learn something more about yourself, your charactor and your depth as a human being. Yes, I am workin gon this too.
How exactly do you adapt to change if you are like me and would rather have a root canal? Psychologists say that people who see change as a challenge and not a threat handle streeses better. In their book The Peace of Mind Prescription, Charney and Nemeroff say, “The hormones released by an appraisal of challenge include growth factors, insulin, and other compounds that promote cell repair, trigger relaxation responses, and stimulate efficient energy use.”
Set Goals:
Goals that focus on your strenghts, things that bring you a sense of happiness, calm, satisfaction and fulfilment will help the most. The goals I have set for myself are to 1. Finish and publish my book by the end of the year. 2. Cook new super yummy meals 3. Finish the Fifty Shades of Grey series (which I am struggling with because I am actually getting board with the story). I am also working on writing better blog enteries, as I don’t feel like the latest entries have been very good.
Setting and meeting goals helps with our sense of control and accomplishment during a rough time. It will also boost self esteem.
Exercise:
Yes, you read right. Exercise has been correlated with stronger levels of resilience. So while becoming a couch potato and watching TV all night might be tempting, it isn’t very productive. Exercise relases endorphines into the body which has a positive impacts on one’s mood or the physical health benefits to those who exercise, or both.
Have Faith:
If you are a person of faith, it helps to to pray, alot. And just hang in there. Know that the bad times are only temporary. It won’t last and in no time (and a series of babysteps) you will be past it and on to better times.
None of us are immune to rough times, and there are times in life that are jusst going to suck. And we just have to reach deep down and get through them. But these little steps will help shorten the time we are in the dark. and when the dust settles, we will be better, finer and stronger than we were before. Basically, finding Peace is what helps me, so do whatever youhave to do to get it. So dig in and get on with it.
I have often written about those sitcom moments…those moments in life that are just so…embarrassing, bad, funny, weird, ridiculous, that if they happened on TV they would be hysterical? But they are happening in your life so all you can do is roll your eyes and hope one day it will be funny?
I have had many moments like that…like the time I tripped over an atoman in a furniture store, in front a a hot guy, or the time I dropped the pee-cup at a pre-employment drug test – in front of a hot guy. Or the time I was buying a lip gloss and 3 packs of granny panties as a gag gift for my mother, and saw my hot next door neighbor (who did not believe the granny panties were for my mother).
Today was another. I got up early today, got dressed and I looked very nice, if I do say so myself. I had on my hot skinny pants, a sleek sweater, my hair and make up was looking good. I was in a great mood (especially for a Monday), and had a spring in my step. I went the store for my daily cup of coffee. The fact that I had not yet had my first cup of coffee should have been the first red flag. I am a clumsy girl to begin with, mix that with not having had my morning caffeine and anything could happen.
After I mixed the cream and sugar into the wonderful cup of caffeinated goodness, I turned around quickly and….slapped smack dab into a beautiful man who is tall, dark, handsome, and who now had a donut smashed all over his jacket. And all over mine too. As well as a small amount of hot coffee.
Great.
Cup of hot, steaming coffee embarrasment, anyone?
This only happens in the presence of really hot, sexy men. If it was a little old lady behind me, this never would have occurred. Hot men are my kryptonite.
The usual apologies were made, as he looked at me like I was a cute alien from another planet. He was nice about it, laughed and said he needed to get his coat cleaned anyway. I am sure I turned 50 shades of red.
Just proof that I am an amazing woman who has it together…until a hot guy is around. At least I wasn’t buying knives.
There is something for which I am looking, searching, reaching. After this weekend I finally know what it is. I am looking to make my life my home. This past year, with my Dad’s health, and all the other upheaval that has been going on, I have pretty much been in survival mode – just gettting through it.
But what does making your life your home mean? To me, it means a place where you are comfortable, that feels good, a place from which you do not want to escape. Everyone will go through rough times, where we really would trade with someone esle for a while, but as a general rule, your life should be where you are happy. And if you are not, it’s never to late to change. You just have to ask, how do you want it to feel?
Yesterday, in addition to writing, I also started cleaning up my house. I changed out all my seasonal clothing and pulled out all of my sweaters, In the process I started cleaning out my closets and my office. So many people have been on my house over the last year…my parents, sister, nephew, friends staying when I was out of town, a couple boyfriends and roommate from Hell. All of them had left stuff, things left behind. Everything ranging from old luggage, to clothes, to computer stuff, to chargers, to pictures, to old shoes, to old paperwork to, just stuff. Because things were so hectic, it was just a stuffing the stuff into a place it would fit for the time being and moving forward.
But at some point we all have to clean out our closets. And it is the same in life. You have to get rid of the old baggage, that old stuff that others have left behind in your soul, your spirit, your life. You must clean out, not only to make room for the great things to come, but also to lighten your load, brighten the mind and just get rid of the crap. And who wants to carry another person’s left over, left behind baggage? Our own baggage is heavy enough.
And that is also a lesson for me in my life. I don’t need to take care of everyone. I have my own problems to deal with, so I cannot deal with everyone else’s baggage too. We must be selfish enough in our life, for our life, to back away and say, “No, this is yours, not mine. Take it to your house and leave it there.” When we are not selfish enough to do that, we end up completely depleted, because we carry their baggage plus your own. That is what I did this past year. No more.
Sometimes, you also have to be selfish and honest enough to say you have nothing to offer another person right now. “Because I am taking care of myself. You can come into my life, but I cannot take care of you.”
So there I was, throwing things away, getting rid of everything that was not needed. But how to tell what should stay and what should go? If it wasn’t mine, if wasn’t not usefull, if it didn’t serve me, if I did not have some sentimental attachment to it – it was thrown out. It really was cathartic. There is still quite a bit to go through, but what I have done is a good start to making my life my home.
I want my life to feel good, happy, and fullfilling. I want it to feel warm, settled, and at Peace. Because I want to feel settled and at Peace. And that is what it shall be. And the rest of the year, will be fantastic, because I am taking care of me and making my life my home – warm, cozy, welcoming, Peaceful and fulfilling.
As I was cleaning out everything in my house, I was thinking of how I used to be when I was younger. One of the things was that I was much more self sufficient. When I was younger, I didn’t want any men in my life. So, I didn’t have a handyman, I didn’t keep boyfriends, and I did not let any man do anything for me, no fixing of things, nothing.
After I came back from New York, all of my friends said that if I wanted to find love, that I needed to open op, let people in, be vulnerable and need. They said that I needed to stop being so hard, soften up a little. And so I did. But I think I did it too much.
So, I am not calling a handyman to fix the things I need done. I am doing it myself. I will move the dreadmill treadmill myself, I will hang the dartboard myself, I will fix the running toilets myself and I will figure out that piece of the garage door myself too. Forget waiting on a guy getting around to it, or finding a boyfriend who is handy around the house so he can fix it for me. I am smart and there is no reason I cannot figure this stiff out myself.
Just don’t be surprised by DIY blogs, because while I am sure I can do/fix all of it, I would be naive to think that me + clumsy + tools would not equal anything less than comedic results.
I went to the early service today at church and the sermon was on faith. Having the faith to voice what you want, then trusting in God’s Will to bring it to you. The sermon really hit home for me. I am a happy person, and I have a great life. I am and have been truly blessed, but I still need and want.
I love my life. I love my job and career, love my friends and wonderful family. I love where I live even. The only thing I want that I don’t have is a partner. These past six months have been rough, and someone to share the good and wonderful things would be..wonderful. So this is what I need and want:
I want, first and foremost a friend. Slow and steady. Someone who will understand that it has been a rough time, and will not mind taking his time with me. It won’t take long for me to get my emotional feet under me, but patience is still needed. Someone who won’t rush things. Someone to watch movies on the couch with, have long talks with, someone to with which to grow and get to know. Someone who is steady and stable, who won’t be looking to date every girl around or party. Someone who enjoys laughing. A homebody like me, who wants a deep slow connection. That slow burn. That is what I want and need.
I have control over everything else in my life. This is the one thing I cannot control; this one I have to give to Faith. So, I give it up, and give it to God. And I have hope and faith.
My life is very good. I am very blessed to see the miracles I have seen. And there is no reason why my life cannot be a miracle too.
“Sometimes you have to work at Peace, you have to go and get it. Do what you have to do to find it.”
“In life, you aren’t expected to be sure, you’re expected to pay attention.”
Watching one of my favorite movies as I edit the photos – Spanglish. Beautifully acted, written and shot. Great subtleties. The conversation of a lifetime…
The hike today was deeply what I needed. To be out once again in nature, the air, the everything. I did the hike 3 times…the first time, I took my time and took pictures, enjoying the scenery. The second I pushed myself and my body past the burning muscles and scream thighs. I wanted to yell but instead I just pushed on. I will not quit, I will not stop, I will not break…my will pushing me onward. I ran up the stairs and my body told me I couldn’t but I said I could. The third time was the hardest and I took rest and breaks as my body needed. I listened to my body, weary, tires, shaky legged. But I pushed on anyway, gently coaxing my legs to keep going up the steps.
And each time, as I struggled to reach the top, shaky legged, unsure, weak and weary, I felt the cool wind hit my face and body and felt relief and pride that I had done it. And then after resting briefly, wondered what all the hardship was about? And isn’t it the same in life I suppose? When we are in the middle of it, we wonder just how we can make it through, but then when we have, we wonder why we ever doubted ourselves.
And the hike also taught me just a bit more about patience.
How having been outside, in nature, in the fresh air and pushing my body past what I though it could do, there is a sense of pride and accomplishment. There was also a sense of joy. And there is a spring in my very tires step.
I took lots of pictures, the leaves had already peaked, but they were still beautiful. And I took pictures of people (most of which are not being published). And I wonder who they are what they are going through today, why they are here, what their stories are, what makes them happy or sad, or in love.
I also took pictures of old sheds, roads, flowers and such I saw on the way there. I did feel bad for whoever happened to be behind me as I pulled over several times to run out and take a picture. I really need to take that photography course. Enjoy!
Falcon on view
Leaves
Me at the Falls today
Flowers
The reflection and fishing pond at the falls
The reflection and fishing pond at the falls
The reflection and fishing pond at the falls
Resting…
A boy plays in the stream
A mother and daughter
A family swinging at the top of the falls
Old ladies talking
A cute couple hiking
The road less traveled
Another shed
A shed
A shed
One of the confusing signs…which way is the Visitor Center?
Islands in the stream
Beautiful table pavilion where many picnics have taken place.
They are calling it the perfect storm, Sandy, as it is predicted to hit the East Coast early next week. I say prayers for those in the path of the storm. I know many people on the East coast from living in New York for almost 3 years (jeeze, that seems like a lifetime ago). Aside form the fact that it is a hurricane and they are predicting a Billion dollars worth of damage, it makes me think of how much I love when it storms. Indeed, most of the time, when bad weather moves through, it is indeed, the perfect storm. And I love it.
I am a big fan of sunny, warm, wonderful beautiful weather, but there is also something wonderful about when a storm rolls through. I love falling asleep to the sound of the rain and will oftentimes open the windows before going to bed. The smell of the rain is delicious. Then to slowly wake up to the sound of the rain, then drift back to sleep, then slowly wake up, is wonderful too. I love when it rains on a Saturday or Sunday morning. And being kissed in the rain is like a slow motion dream that makes my knees weak. But the best, by far, is making love when it is raining. Hearing the rain against the window pain while in your lovers arms, looking in their eyes. Amazing moments.
And at night, if the lights go out with a power outage, to me was always fun. You get the candles and flashlights, snuggle up in a blanket and just “be.” there are no distractions – no TV, no games, no nothing. And again, to loose power when you are with your partner is an excuse to get close, snuggle and have those late light conversations you wish would never end.
I have been on the water when a storm has come in, and that is truly amazing. To watch the lighting dance across the water is magnificent, and a reminder of God and Nature’s power. When you are on the water, many times you hear the storm rolling in before you can actually see it. Sound carries on the water, so you hear the drops hit and it gets louder as the storm gets closer. Then you may start to see the lighting, feel the wind, smell the rain and taste the moisture as it is coming. It’s hardto describe, but if you have ever felt it, it’s a tangible change that you sense in your bones and you just know.
Maybe I also love the rain because it washes everything away, and when it is done, all is clean and green. A metaphor for the soul, so let it rain and wash away all the old, all the worn, all the dust and dirt away.
I remember as a little girl, my father and I sitting outside, watching the sky light up and dance with lighting bolts during electrical storms, or just as a bad storm was blowing in. I guess that began my fascination with storms. Even now, I have a hard time staying in, or not being glued to a window watching the sky. I hope to be a good enough photographer to photograph lighting one day.
And as I check the weather forecast in my area, I let out a sigh – 0% chance of rain for the next 10 days. Oh-well, I guess I will just have to settle for the wonder and beauty of the full moon with clear skies on Monday.
The Goal Board is complete and it feels good. There is something about putting my life in order, having goals and such to work toward. Along with pictures of what I want to do in the next year, there are quotes that mirror what I want to be and what I need to work on personally. What are my goals for the next year? To do more photography, to re connect with friends that I have not had the time to see and talk to in the past year because of life, I want to go horseback riding, go zip-lining, do something new like what water rafting or such. I want to knit, and be at Peace enough to be still. And I can’t wait to knit my loved ones blankets.
In addition, I am working towards Peace, Grace, wisdom and patience. So there are also quotes such as”
“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill” – Buddha
“Ask God for Confidence to slay any giants in your life that have set themselves against God’s plan for you”
“Your work is to discover your world and the with all your heart, give yourself to it” – Buddha
I like these quotes because one of the things I need to work on is not forcing a situation, not being defensive, taking a breath and backing off. While the last relationship would not have worked because he was just divorced, I did make mistakes. When I saw him backing away and I and the relationship were not a priority, I should have said nothing and completely backed off, instead of freaking out and being clingy. Clingy is not sexy. Had I been in a healthy emotional space, I would have done exactly that. Insecurity and being defensive is not sexy or healthy. So this is changing now, not waiting until next year.
I did sneak a bit about love in there. Two people holding hands because I don;t need anything fast, I need slow. I got into trouble with the last two and allowing myself to fall quickly. Never again. I do want to be in love, lots of kisses in the rain, snuggling on the couch, holding hands and such, I must remember to go slow so I do not get burned again. So just friends and companionship…get to know and see if friendship grows from there. I should have done that in the last relationship when it was offered, but I didn’t know how.
I am excited about my goals for the next year. The rest of 2012 is going to be great, and 2013 will be wonderful. And one of the things is to take more pictures, so here they are.
My Goal Board
My Goals: Be calm, breath, be patient, back off. There are times to be quiet and still
The section representing me getting back to my happy and healthy self.
I want to learn in the next year: Knitting, being still, zip lining, rafting, horseback riding and Photography
Good advice for me…and just letting go in general.
Gives me Peace to know
About my writing
Don’t forget to enjoy life with all your heart and take chances.
A passage from C.S.Lewis from his book The Four Loves:
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it. What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.
.Aaron Manley Smith wrote: “The hard part I’ve had to learn, as a man, when we truly love someone, is that, there comes a moment when we have to choose to humbly and peacefully take the beating because they need something to beat and you’re the only thing that will take it and turn it into the love they so desperately need and have been denied…”
Love is a word that inspires and haunts us. It is one of the most powerful things that drives us in our lives – love of a partner, of friends, the love of a parent to a child. What would we not do for love?
I don’t know the answer to that question. Or maybe I do. I will not become bitter, even in the throws of a broken heart. I will not close myself up, I will not put myself in the “casket” of Hell. The same love that God gives to me, flows through me and it must not stop there. It must be given to others – friends, family, and children. Contrary to the fairy tales, love is not always easy. It should not always be hard, but it often is. Because we are, as humans, imperfect and jagged. And we will inevitable hurt each other.
I prayed for something larger and bigger than myself to build. Something that was more important than just me. I had no idea how God might choose to put it in my life to answer that prayer, but at the cornerstone of it, I think, is Love.
But it is not easy, and it is not going to be easy. I face many hardships, questions and struggles in the future. Can I do this? Myself? Maybe I can’t, but Love can. Love will find a way. And on those days when I feel like I can’t, when my knees are shaking, my heart breaking, my soul hurting, Love can carry me though.
I must trust that love will find it’s way into my cracks and crevices, to make me stronger, as rusted and ragged as I currently feel.
Like one of my best Friends Rex writes of those hard times, they lead to a rich life, with love, heartache, the good, bad and ugly. But it is real and it is what life is all about. And I would rather take a chance at loving someone and live a life of those missed opportunities, even when it doesn’t work, than be so closed up and untrusting, that I miss the greatest loves of my life. For that is no life at all.
And when you love someone, you allow them their days and their faults. I have seen this with my own parents, married 45 years in November, There have been times when my father was angry, and lashed out at my mother, and vise-versa. When you love, you absorb those faults as if they are your own, because you love. You give, you take, you absorb, you love. You don’t get scared because some views or opinions are different than yours. If everything was the same, it would be very boring. And if it is that shallow, then it is not love at all. For love is deep.
As long as the core values are the same – family, faith, partnerships, morals, integrity – then that is half the battle. The other half is finding someone who will accept you faults and who you do not mind “taking a beating from” as Aaron Manley Smith says. Because you are open to love and getting hurt is part of it. If you are open to the joy, then you must be open to the pain. It is as it must be, there is not one without the other. No one is perfect. We all have bad days, we all get into fights, we all have doubts, some days more than others.
And on those other days, it must be love that carries us through. Love for ourselves, love for another, love for friends, love for family, love for children
And we carry that love in our hearts and in our soul:
i carry your heart with me
By e e cummings
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I was going through the pictures of my phone and cleaning them out. It is intersted to go back to see what the past year has held…So here is a year in pictures from my phone:
BoJack exploring the dryer…
More shoes…
Trying to get a little bit of sun in May.
Spring toes in the grass.
It’s all about the shoes…
Amicalola Falls, where I took several wonderful hikes and will return again soon…
JJ, the luckiest cat int he world afer he was rescued and taken to live with my parents. He’s a happy kitten.
My bath that keeps me sane – nothing like soaking after a long hard day…
The light that FINALLY was fixed after 18 months…and now I must change the lightbulb…Again…
Picking apples in the Fall
Picking apples in the Fall
My first Apple Crsip…representing all the wonderful new things I will be baking. 🙂
Warm Feet in January 🙂
There are many more…just having trouble loading them off the ohone (Have I mentioned being technilogically challenged as well as clumsy?) Several pictures of the house projects that need to be done still…like the thing that fell on my car from the garage door opener, my dart board that needs to be hung, the surround sound system that need to be conencted, the Dreadmill treadmill that needs to be moved from in front of the fireplace to back out in the garage…lots of shoes, a Grandpa store and several other funny photos. Eventually, I will get them off the phone and an the blog…but one thing at a time.
It is ineresting to look at these photos of the past year. A year that I am happy to say goodbye too. Lots of home projects, lots of shoes, lots of rescued kittens, hot boots, high tempuratures and more.
I wonder what pictures will be taken in the next year…what adventure the future holds.
I am pressing reset on a few of the things in my life, and I am looking forward to seeing the result. Looking forward to moving forward, to having the life I want, the dreams I know, and friends with which to share. And I guess that is the one thing I am looking forward to in general – sharing.
“Have you ever had a man love you enough to hold you while you beat up on him because you were more important to him than his ego?”
My Answer: Yes.
.
The question was so raw in it’s honestly it stopped me in my tracks. And I started to cry. It was almost 20 years ago, but that question brought everything back like I was right there in it.
His name was David. I was 19.
I asked Rex later why he asked that question, he said: “It’s one of the 3 or 4 lowest points and/or most charged-up situations in any relationship run into. Without those turning points no relationship turns real, it just stays cursory.”
There is a time in my life I call “The Dark Ages,” and it lasted from age 19-21. Terrible things happened during that time. No one knows everything that happened. I have never told. And I never will. Somethings just hurt too much to ever tell another.
David was my angel. He held me as I sobbed for hours, weeks, as I sobbed for months, even over a year. I sobbed for everything I had lost, all of myself that I could never get back. I wept for my heart, how it was so broken, I was broken, from the inside out. I had to look up to see rock bottom. That was during the time I would drive 1,000 miles a day, just to be moving. I couldn’t be still because everything horrible would catch up with me.
I put that man through every kind of Hell imaginable. I yelled, lied, was so mean, wishy-washy, temperamental, distrusting. I never cheated, but I did treat him horrible. I put him through the ringer emotionally.
And he was there for me the whole time. He held me through it all, telling me it was going to be OK. He knew, whatever it was that hurt me so, I had to get it out. He took my anger, pain, loss, confusion, loss of faith, disillusionment, emptiness, distrust, meanness….turned it into love, and gave it back to me.
That is Grace. And that is what I have prayed to have. It is not easy. Because you do have to care less for your ego than anything else. And sometimes, you do get beat up, quite a bit.
I thank David, to this day. I can never pay him back for what he did for me. His kindness, his wisdom, his Mercy, his Grace, saved my life. I cannot repay the debt, but I can pay forward.
Mercy Street, by Peter Gabriel is what he gave me:
What defines us? As people? As humans? As individuals? I don;t think that there is one thing that can define a person, as we are all multi-layered and complex. Flawed. Good and bad. We are, in fact, made up of may definition, just as we are made up of many parts. As just as our parts, we are for more rich that just the sum…because along with all of our parts and definitions, there is an intangible quality that is brought with the whole of us.
That which defines us, is liquid. It can change at any time, because we ourselves, are so multifaceted that we may also seem liquid. The Truth is, it just depends on which angle and light from which you catch the view.
I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a lover, a co-worker, a girlfriend, an enemy, a stranger, a driver, an actor, a model, a girl, an American, a Southerner, and human, a sing-in-the-shower-er, a klutz, a romantic, a procrastinator, a spectator…and too many more too list. Ands what you see me as, depends as much as your view as it does the angle in which you see me.
There are things in my life, that I have done, in which I am proud, and there are things I have done which I am ashamed. I have gone back and read the hand-written story of my life in the pages of my journal, in my own handwriting, and cried, been proud, been terrified, been ashamed, been happy and been sad at what I read. There are times I really wanted to know the person in those pages, and times when I hated her. And they are all what defines me…and more.
And maybe that is it, our definition is a combination of our experiences, thoughts, beliefs, personality, views and opinions, as well as all those of what others think and view of us. Certainly there is not a single person who is liked or loved by everyone. And who one person would say is a saint, certainly someone else may say is the devil. It all depends on the definition others see us by as well.
But maybe the most important definition is that which we give to ourselves. And tat which we strive to reach. I want top be better. I strive to be less defensive, more open, have more Grace and patience, have more compassion. I pray that I worker harder and be more engaged and a better friend to those who love me. And work hard to e a better writer and deeper explorer of the human condition. And I strive to reach more depth of understanding in my dealing and comprehension of others.
And I pray, that I never stop adding definitions of who and what I am.
There is nothing like dating a superman. A man who is sexy, funny, smart, helpful, a gentleman, but can still make your scream, compassionate, mature, intelligent, good looking, crafty, handy, snuggly, romantic, talented…in essence, the whole package. The kind of man that you say you want when you are a little girl, and wonder if still exists when you are an adult. There is nothing like being smitten and there is nothing like having another chance and working things through. And sometimes that means taking chances and making changes.
Taking chances for me in being vulnerable and exposing raw emotions, being brutally honest with myself and others. And what is so great is that, even though it has taken me a little while to build up the courage, there has been respect, compassion and understanding waiting for me. It is a truly amazing thing that has renewed a very weary soul and jaded outlook.
Making changes is taking the time to truly slow down and absorb. It is putting my money where my mouth is when it comes to giving compassion and asking for the gift of Grace. You cannot just ask for these things when you pray, you have to actively seek them out and practice them. As with all novices, I may be bad at it in the beginning…but I will keep on trying, until I have Grace that is a reflection of God, or at least I will come as close to it as I can. But it is hard. I must first seek to have a true understanding of Grace — what is is, what it means, what it looks like and how it moves, in order to have it and give it.
Another change is to stop being so defensive. Being defensive, if I am truly honest, comes from fear and insecurity. Fear of being judged and insecurity that people will not like what they see and walk away. Everyone fears those things to some extent. Especially when mistakes have been made, or you feel ashamed of some decisions that were made, or outcomes from those decisions. And when we are defensive, we block the love, patience and compassion that are extended to us from others, rejecting their very wonderful gift. Not being defensive, I also suspect, is another aspect of having Grace.
So while I am truly drowning in the wonderfulness of my Superman, I am also busy joyfully working on taking chances and making changes. Life is delicious and it is up to me to keep it that way. I want to slow down and be still. I want to enjoy each. Little. Moment. Drink it up and savor it, so that nothing of this time slips by or is forgotten. I want to do all those wonderful domestic things that make a house a home. I want to be fully engaged in my life. And I want the Grace to make sure those I love feel at home where ever they are with me.
What gives you Peace will make you happy. And where there is Peace, there is love.
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