Season of Thoughts

To Wear it well

We must let go of the life that we planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. – Joseph Campbell

This is the time of year of festivities. Parties, gifts and resolutions.  And it is usually about this time of year that in addition to enjoying all that this happy season will bring, I start thinking about what I want to accomplish next year.

Most of the time, the things on my list are the usual:  Travel more, spend less, smile more, loose that 10 lbs that has been on my hips for the last 5 years. For this next year though it is quite different.  My goal for next year is quite simple: To wear it well.

I want simple things to not take so much energy.  Things like putting on my pants, going through daily routines…breathing.  To put it quite simply – grief is bitch.  Grief is like that bad roommate you can’t get rid of.

But the fact is that Grief will be with me for quite a while. So I must learn to wear it well.

What exactly does that mean?  It means that You hold your head high, smile anyway and get on with it.  It doesn’t mean you still don’t feel it in every part of every bone, you just don’t let it wear you, you wear it. Right now, I feel like Grief is cutting off circulation, because it is a very ill-fitting outfit that is tight in all the wrong places and loose in all the wrong spots.

From all the research I have done, grief never really leaves you. So I have to learn to wear it well. And defiantly better than I have.

Ultimately, I would like to make this grief a place from where love can grow and prosper.  I would like to make it a beautiful garden of compassion and goodness. I want to do more than wear it well; if it has to be with me for my life, then I want it to make me a better person. I just don’t know how to get there yet.

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom. – Rumi

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The Smell of It

As a parent, it’s my responsibility to equip my child to do this – to grieve when grief is necessary and to realize that life is still profoundly beautiful and worth living despite the fact that we inevitably lose one another and that life ends, and we don’t know what happens after death. –  Sam Harris

It is funny the things that you miss.  And as cliché as it sounds, the laundry smelled so good when Mom did it. I never thought I would miss that smell so much. I cherish anything I find of her original laundry.   And I finally found out her secret.  I found her stash of fabric softener and smell good stuff.  The one problem?

I cannot find it in any stores here in the Atlanta area.  Seriously…in a city of millions…I can’t locate any of it.  Dad and I are both searching for it.  Where did she get this stuff?  Did she ship it in from another country?  Or planet?  Because this stuff smells like Love.

It is somewhere, and somehow I will find it and get as many bottles of it as possible.  Love in a bottle cannot be overrated, neither can the magical smell of laundry.

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. – Abraham Lincoln

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Hard Candy Christmas

Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life. – Anne Roiphe

Tis the season for all the holiday festivities. It is also a very bad time for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  And while the grief cannot be fixed or erased, we can, if we choose, still find the beauty in every day.  We can, if we choose, appreciate the happiness and joy around us, and maybe even have some of it seep in.

And so it goes this holiday season.  The Christmas tree is going up this weekend.  A big real tree.  I’ve never had a real Christmas tree but have been told that they smell wonderful.  And there will be Christmas music and carols.  And lots of Christmas lights.  We are going to see a large light display, complete with hot chocolate and roasting marshmallows by a fire afterward. The house will have a lot of Christmas decorations, some old that have been passed down to me, and some new.

This Christmas will be hard, and that cannot be changed.  It cannot be fixed.  But. But, we do not have to drown in it either.  We can still smile through tears, celebrate through grief and see joy in the world. A broken heart still beats. The world still turns and life goes on.

So, bring on the eggnog, Christmas carols and fires.  Let’s light the house up with Christmas displays.  Let the stockings be hung, the dancing Santa’s dance and the angels sing.  No doubt my mother is one of those angels now.  May we hear her voice this Christmas, and all others to come.

I think faith is incredibly important because you will become overwhelmed with what’s happening and you will have waves of grief, but when you turn to your faith, I believe God will give you waves of grace to get through it. – Joel Osteen

 

To Her

What is she looking for, I wonder?  When she looks at my blog, at the same ones that she always reads? Is she looking for comfort?  Or inspiration to leave?  Has he done to her what he did to me?  Is she trying to get the courage? Is she looking for a clue?  Why it is those entries?  Except, I know.

This is to you, yes you, his new.  Don’t be afraid to leave.  You deserve better than to have someone speak to you that way, treat you that way, hurt you that way…hit you that way.  Yes, what I say is true, all of it. And there is life after, love after, all after it’s over. Two others have gone before you, and there is enough of a record to stop it.  If that is the road you choose, you will not walk alone.

 

Spring Cleaning

It’s that time of year again, when we get all excited that the days get longer and the weather is warmer.  Windows are up for fresh air to come inside, the heavy blankets give way to lighter, breezier sheets.  Bulky sweaters are put away for another season and the skirts and short sleeves are once again brought out.  There is camping and time outside on the patio, and we all seem to be just a little bit giddy.

It’s Spring.  And it is here just in time.

Spring also means spring cleaning, and this year it is especially exciting for me.  Life has come full circle and it is time to really clean up and clean out.  And isn’t there something so cathartic about getting rid of all the old baggage and that which is no longer needed or used?  Dusting off, turning on, cleaning out, getting rid, slimming down, and lifting up.  And this year it not only extends to things, this year, for me it also means people.  I have gotten rid of those who no longer serve my interests.  And it must be done from time to time to keep things well and healthy.

The fact is, cleaning people out of your life doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just that they no longer serve you, or any purpose in your life.  We  must learn discernment in our circle.  We must be careful of whom we let in.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn – I always thought everyone deserves a chance and the benefit of the doubt from the beginning.  No, they don’t.  You must trust your gut and if your gut tells you that there is something off, then trust it and keep a distance.

And getting rid of someone doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means they have no place in your life anymore.  And sometimes it is hard, when relationships and friendships become unhealthy.  A dear friend told me recently that he had feelings for me. He was very drunk and the confession was followed by inappropriate advances and suggestions. After my refusal and letting him know I was dating someone, there was lasing out with angry text messages.  It was hard, but he was out.  No one treats me, or speaks to me, in that way.  His actions and words were disrespectful and extremely hurtful. Maybe one day, when ample time has passed, and he is geographically distanced, there will be contact again.  But for now the toxicity of the friendship deemed it worthy of termination.

Keeping your inner circle closed shows self respect and value.  Not everyone deserves a seat at your table.  Not everyone has something to add to your life. And indeed, some will deplete you if you let them.  Toxic people and relationships will bleed you of your energy, emotions and intention. You will give so much to that relationship or situation, that others positives in your life go neglected. So make sure you take a look at those who surround you, those who are close. Examine your relationships to make sure that you are not settling for less than you deserve. Friendship is not free; loyalty, honestly, respect and integrity are the wages and must be paid in full.

What is important is that who is left in your life are those who are truly the best for you.  Those who will support you, cheer you on, and even give you a kick in the pants when you need it. After that what is left is space for everything good and wonderful to come in.  You cannot make a new life, holding onto what, and who, does not serve you.

Now I am feeling lighter than I did before the cleaning process began, I breath easier, and my shoulders are not as tense. I truly believe that one of the keys to happiness is making sure you have genuine, loyal, positive, supportive people around you, who truly know how to love and be good humans.

Yes, welcome to Spring!  I look forward to many good times, smile and great memories ahead.

The Dugger Factor

Anna Dugger. A name synonymous with the phrase “stand by your man.” Being a good and loyal spouse is commendable, but there are limits to what anyone should be expected to endure. A recent Facebook post about the topic went viral, and it did start me thinking. Many have criticized Anna Dugger for not leaving her child molesting, porn addicted, cheating, Ashley Madison account having husband. But instead, I have an incredible amount of empathy for her.

One can only assume that a man, or anyone, who can be so despicable and deceitful to those closest, certainly must also be very manipulative as well. That kind of manipulation is successful because it’s so very subtle, so much in fact, that you can barely recognize it changing you, chipping away at your self-confidence, until a large part of yourself is gone.

Now consider that she has no education, and that her family and social circle blame her for her husbands shortcomings. Her parents encourage her still, to stay with her husband and would shame and ostracize her for leaving him. That coupled with the slow tear down of confidence and spirit…She was the perfect wife, sticking to all the rules, and yet it still wasn’t enough. She is still expected; demanded even, to give more of herself for someone who has cared for her so very little.

It is a shame that anyone should be expected to stay where they are mistreated so very badly. While I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, are limits. Maybe we are all guilty aof staying in a relationship longer than we should have, but at some point you have to wake up, take off the rose colored glasses and get out.

Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, be made to feel like they are valued, and matter. To be needed, loved and valued are basic human needs, and if someone, anyone, whether it be a friend, a family member, a spouse, or a co-worker, does not value what you bring to the table, then you have the very basic human right to leave.

You also have the basic human right to demand that you be treated with respect, kindness and decency. To know that you are worth those things, that you have value in and of yourself, to know that your soul is important just because you exist.

The Facebook post that went viral stated that men are born with power, but women have to demand it for themselves, and that they should be taught to make a man cower in the corner if they need to. I agree. But not just women, though that is what we see mostly, because women are typically taken advantage of more than men. Everyone has the right, and if you must make a person cower in order to escape mistreatment, then so be it. But these lessons have to start young.

In addition to instilling a healthy sense of self esteem, boys should be taught to value women, not use them. Teach them that women are to be cherished. But also teach girls the value that men have, and that they deserve to be respected too. If both are taught, as children, to value the other, as human beings, then the world would be a much better, kinder place.

To know your worth, to know that you deserve to be loved, that you alone, are Enough. These lessons can make such a difference in shaping lives, and save those lives from an immense amount of pain later When both men and women realize the value in one another, that is when humanity is at its best. So I refrain from criticizing Anna Dugger, but instead feel much empathy and compassion for her. She was never taught that she alone is enough.

Fragile

There is a Song by Sting called Fragile, and it talks about how fragile we are, how fragile is this balance of life.

A text message, a phone call, the realization of the level of fragile. A family I love very much, a good friend, a very much loved ex-boyfriend, people whom I may not speak to often, but still carry in my heart. I learned of a car accident and someone left in a coma. Found unresponsive, no way of knowing how long he was in that condition. The prognosis is grim. Now his family is praying for a miracle and waiting for God’s Will to be made known to them.

Never doubt how fragile we are. Never take your breath for granted, or the breath of those you love.

The Little Things

It was a wet, dreary and rainy morning today. Not the kind of day that you want to be driving in rush hour Atlanta traffic. And yet there I was, stuck behind a thousand other cars.  And the directions to the attorneys office were wrong, and to a directionally challenged person, this does not help at all.

Actually, it wasn’t so much the directions to the office that was a problem, because I had the address. It was the directions to the parking deck, for which I did not have the address that was the problem. Thirty minutes, several one way streets and countless curse words later, I finally parked in the designated parking area for the law firm.

The meeting with the attorney was good and things are moving forward in a good fashion with the house of mold. I am optimistic about the outcome. Still, it is a very emotional subject, as you discuss, in explicit detail, everything that has happened, from the first time the roof leaked, to the first spot of mold, to all the sickness, moving out, staying with friend and finally finding a place to live. Describing the feeling of total helplessness as you watch a waterfall come down your walls when it rains.

Feeling emotionally spent, I went back to the car and headed to pay for parking – $20 flat fee for an hour.  But when I got up to pay, something strange and quite wonderful happened – the attendant said my parking had been paid by the man in front of me, who often does such things on a random basis.

And with that small generous gesture, a smile was back on my face. What a wonderful unexpected thing!  A random kindness, given to me on this rainy, cold and emotional day.

Always give back, when you can. For everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about and you never know when your kind act is needed for a weary spirit. It felt like a little hug, a Godwink letting me know that even on such a tough day, it will all be OK. Because  that’s what happens when we take care of each other.

And always pay attention to the little things.  When I was busy trying to get back to work and get many things done, there was this perfect little moment that made me feel so much better. That man will never know what a gift he gave – more than just the $20 for my parking.  He gave a tired girl a reason to believe, he gave a smile to someone who had just 10 minutes earlier been crying in an attorneys office, and he gave a reminder that while all days will not be perfect, we can still find the perfect even in the rain and cold. Yes, it truly is the little things in life. But when those little things add up to so much, can we really consider them little?

 

Taking Care

It is that time of year again. That time where we take pause to give thanks for what we have and who we have in our lives.  And this year, as I looked around, I saw the landscape change.  There has been much more taking care this year than in the past.  By that I mean my friends, family and I all taking care of each other. It is a fluid stream of handing off the “I’ve got this” baton to each other.

This year there is so much for which to be thankful – my Father’s cancer going into remission is the biggest. Followed by me having and finding a safe, mold free place to live. The new job, my new life basically.  But there has been so much help along the way. My sister and neighbors watching over my pets, my sister and great friends opening up their houses to me, offering a place to live while I figured out what course of action to take with the House of Mold. I was given a safe place to sleep and live, eat, laugh and play.  Friends were coming out of the woodwork to help and s=check in to make sure I was OK.  And I am so very thankful.

And I have been able to be there for my friends as well, offering support, free writing services, advice, a shoulder, cooking and much more.  This year, more than any year, I feel like we have formed a community for each other, a place in which we can go, and work, and live and love, and truly know, we are not alone.  That is a wonderful thing to have in this world.

And so this year I am thankful for taking care – thankful for those who have taken care of me, and for hose whom I can repay the favor. And this year, it is truly a celebration of the beautiful souls I am blessed to have in my life.

The Ready

It is almost a magic thing when you feel the seasons change. It could be something as small as just a sigh chill in the air, but you feel, you know, the season has shifted and you are ready. And in this moment, of Fall changing to winter, I am ready.

Ready for what is next, to find my new place, live, unpack, make a home, FEEL at home. I am ready for great boots and opaque tights, cool mornings and warm coffee. I am ready for fires and fire places, looking for firewood and hiring the cozy crackle, reading by the warm fire.

I am to ready  flirt, to smile, to laugh. Ready to be kissed, have long conversations and see what comes next. To feel the rush of wonder and hope.

Ready for the bruises to be healed, for faith to be returned, to finally exhale as those baby steps bring me closer, with every beat of a heart. I am ready to shed this skin, jaded as it is, and be new.

I am ready to learn, grow, experience unfamiliar things in unfamiliar places. Ready to see the sunrise for the dawn of a new day. Ready to discover who I am under all this weight that has been carried. Ready to let go and be free of extraneous noise and unfocused light.

Ready to push my body, farther than it wants to go, work it harder than it is willing to give. To go deeper, work harder, be braver, than I have. To wake up with all that is dear, close to me with no distance.

I am ready to pray and have faith. To truly do andbe the best I can. To do all that I can, with faith and singleness of heart. I am ready to be love, wholey, and give myself to the delight of discovering life, and all it’s entrappings. Ready to stay up late reading, curled up on the couch, not wanting to to leave the story. Ready to write pages upon pages of all that is in the story of me.

Ready to have Grace. That’s the hard one. Ready to keep with the 4 agreements, not taking it personally, knowing the reaction is more about them.

And I am ready to live.

Settling In

It’s very interesting getting settled into a new house. I have moved many times before, but this is different, because this space is legally mine. I am the one solely responsible for it’s care and upkeep. That is thrilling, and a little scary.

Getting settled in a new house is a process, as you and the new space get to know each other. Little things, noises and surprises along the way. Like noticing the beautiful carving on the ceiling at the base of the light fixture in the library. So detailed. And the creaky stair on the way to the bedroom. There are plants in the yard that are starting to grow an bloom, ones I never saw before because they were dormant for winter.

Finding out where all the light switches are and what they control. Finding the outlets, where you need an extension chord, and where you need to move the electronics. Does my ice makeer work? Is it hooked up? The doorbell? Need a new one. And then there is the skylight that leaks and the space next to the wall were the roof seems to leak and well. That needs to get taken care of right away.

And unpacking, figuring where all those things should go. This past weekend the job was to unpack all of my closet – the clothes, shoes, jackets, purses and accessories. Going through all of it, what to keep and what to give away. Those old favorite jeans…that I will never again fit into, unless I get seriously ill and loose, ummmm, a lot of weight.  I think I wore those in high school.

And there is something cathartic about unpacking and settling in. It is claiming your space, nsting and setting things exactly as you want them. Your favorite things by the bed, within easy reach. And your desk the way you want it. The closet, as organized or not as you like. A house, a space that is just yours, just for you. As you like it.

And that’s just the outside! I haven’t even ventures out to the yard yet, and there is so much to do with it. So many places to put flowers and fruit trees to share. I need to get a yard man and a pool guy.

My parents are coming up to help and this is exciting. Mom to help with decorating and planting all the flowers. Dad to help with all the little to do’s and questions. Never underestimate the wonderfulness of parents coming to help with the first house.

And the settling in begins, and unfolds as Ladybug Manor and I become more acquainted. I wonder about the memories that will be made here. All the friends, laughter, wine to be shared, love to be had, tears, good times and security. And a house, those four walls, begins to become a home.

Finding Lent

It’s forty days every year, between Ash Wednesday and Easter, that many stop and reflect.  Every year I celebrate Lent by giving something up (chocolate this year…can’t wait to eat my Cadbury Crème Eggs!) and taking something on. It is a time to rededicate myself to all that is important spiritually. A time to reconnect with inner self, God and my inner voice. And to really listen.

This year is a special time for me, as so many new and wonderful things have entered into my life as of late. I have so very much the be thankful for. But yet there has been a lot of struggle to get here, and there are a lot of emotions left over.

My career has skyrocketed, with more to do now than every before. In addition to my full time job, I am interviewing someone this week for an article I am writing for the AJC. I have had articles published in magazines, but never the ADJ – a notionally circulated newspaper!  It’s very exciting.

Agents are calling me wanting me to update headshots, resumes and classes for acting. And then there is the business of my book….I put it down a while ago to support my sister. Now it is time to pick it back up, along with many other things…like eating right and exercising. Things that got out of whack over the last year.

So this year, my Lenton Disciplines are a little different. They are more about taking care of myself and getting myself back up and running, so I have more to offer the world and those around me. The old saying is true, to give to others you must first take care of yourself; because if you don’t, you will not have anything to offer. I have learned this the hard way.

Taking care of everyone else last year, has left me torn and ragged this year. And my Lenton Disciplines also involved what to do about all those left over emotions from everything that has taken place. All of the loss, betrayal, lies and shape shifting.

What do I do with all the anger I have for my sister and her husband? What do I do with the feelings of betrayal concerning my former friends and landlords; all that they did, all the lies that were told? How do I dissipate the disappointment, resentment and aching from walking away from the only sister I have ever really known? How do I deal with the fact that because of her psychological condition, I have had to keep her out of my life?

I don’t know the answer to these questions…but I do know that this year, this Lent, I am to have faith, put one foot in front of the other, work as hard and as good as I can to be the best writer I can, to tell the stories in the best way possible, and to take the time to listen to God’s voice on the stillness. The stillness of the quiet in the night, the sunrise and it comes through my bedroom window in the morning, the silence that is in those moments. And I am to find joy in my life, and the good things that are coming forth. And in those things, in that stillness and silence, in that Faith, in that joy…I hope to find the Grace which I seek. The fullness of God and what he wants for me and the opportunities which He has given me.

And if I put my whole heart into it…there it will be. And I hope to let go…

Letter to Patsy

She was my 2nd mother. A spirited force to be reckoned with. And a tough as nails, loyal and kind soul. And now she has passed, and the world is a bit duller. There are so many things left to say to her,  And here they are. My Letter to My 2nd Mother.

Dear Patsy,

I can’t believe you’re gone. It may sound silly, but I always thought you would be there, I just could not ever imagine a world where you were not there. Now that the time in here, it just seems so strange. Death is final. And I think that is what hurts the most.

The last time I saw you, you were so beautiful, you almost looked like an angel. A stubborn angel that I loved dearly. Your eyes were brighter than I had seen them on quite a while.  I remember visiting you at the nursery, and hearing your voice and that Tennessee accent. I loved your accent. I loved your common sense way of looking at things. I just loved you.

I remember you asking me if I was ever going to get married ( you always asked me that). I just smiled and said who knows? And I remember you telling me that there is no shame in not ever getting married. And I knew you were right. But you were the first person to ever really tell me that. And I believed you. But I know you wanted me to, because I know you wanted me to be happy, and to someday settle down. Well, I’ve met him Patsy. I’ve met the one. And yes, I will marry him,, if he’ll have me. I couldn’t wait to tell you.

I remember you watching over me and Karen when we thought we were all grown up renting your house. How silly we young girls were, and how blessed we were to have you watching out for us. Making sure we took care of things, didn’t get too crazy and didn’t let our friends drive our cars.

And I think you were one of the only ones who truly understood what happened at the wedding. And what it all did to me. Your kind words and compassion carried me through many a heartache over that. I knew you knew that ache too. And you understood my tears. I loved you for that. And I loved that no matter what, you would always be my 2nd mother.

You were such a hard worker, and loyal top the core. I remember when you shut your business down to sit with my mother in the hospital when she was so sick. You just sat there with her, and watched over her so she would not be alone. You knew you didn’t even have to speak. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me that you were there. Or how much that meant to my mother. We will never forget it.

And she told me what you said about tying her shoes. And the baby Ruth! I laughed.

And somehow, you raised 4 children on your own – Three boys, one girl. Three young wild southern boys, and one strong willed girl. And you kept all of them in line. They knew you meant what you said and that they would respect their mother. How did you do it? You worked so hard. I always respected you so much for that. I thought you were amazing. And tough. I wish I could have told you how much I thought of you.

And out spoken!  No one had to wonder what you thought or how you felt. And you didn’t give a flying flip if they didn’t like it. I loved that about you. I trusted you for that reason too.

I wish I could have sat with you, just one more time, and had a conversation with you. I would have loved to have known what you thought about things now. No doubt you would have been full of advice – sprinkled with wit and wisdom as your words always were.

I do remember you getting after me for keeping the freezer door open during that hot summer. And you were right – but it was so hot!  And I know you thought of me as strange; this spirited girl, with all the boyfriends, and the weird ways. But you loved me too. Just as I am – strange, clumsy and awkward me. I can only imagine how many times you just shook your head when it came to me, how exasperated you were over the years. How many times you laughed at my odd ways of thinking when I wasn’t looking. How many times you asked my mother about me, and chuckled at her answers.

But I wanted you to know how much you have meant to me over the years. How your watchful eye has meant so much to me. And the affect you have had on me and my life. You will forever be a part of my youth. A wonderful part of growing up, of coming back home, of being loved. And I will miss you. And I will always love you.

Your 2nd daughter,

Ada

A Moment

It is the rush of the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, dinners, decorating and family get-togethers. It is a time that we seem to rush around, hardly time to do anything besides get to the next thing we have to do. And this holiday season seems to be busier than those past.

But last night I took a walk in my quiet little neighborhood. I listened to the silence of the evening, looked at the lights and Christmas decorations that were around. There were children playing in the distance, laughing and running. I thought about my life, and the past year. All of the ups and downs, all of the events that made it 2013.

And through all of it all, there have been so many blessings woven in, even the bad times. I just needed some time and space to see them. And isn’t that how it always is? Things always seem to work out for the best, and end up just as they should. We just may not ever be able to predict the road that gets us there.

This year I have seen love, loss, heartache, joy, anger, Peace, struggles, having money, being poor, letting go, hanging on, breathing in, cleaning out and rising up .I have supported my family and had others support and help me. When I think back at just what has happened in the past year, it’s almost overwhelming to think of it all.

But I am so very thankful for being here, right now, in this place. It’s been a long road, but Bliss is all around. And it had taken a lot of work. Many think that happiness just lands in a persons lap. It doesn’t. It’s a decision you make and re-make every day. Work you do to keep it every day. But it’s worth it, to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

So this holiday season, take .a moment. Pause and reflect. Eve for those for whom the holidays are difficult, take pause and look around. When you do, I promise you will see wonderful things around you . No matter where you are, it could be worse, but it’s not. And the good thing is if you feel like you are at the bottom, there is now where to go but up.

Take a moment, see the lights and the decorations. Enjoy the cold crisp air. Notice the energy of others around you. Enjoy your favorite TV shows, some hot tea, or a warm bowl of soup. Because it’s the small things that add up to making a good life. But we must take time to appreciate them.

So take a moment.

No Regrets

I have no regrets, looking back on the landscape if this year, in this life. I have no regrets on what I have done and what has been left undone.

There are no words that haunt me, spoken or kept still. No actions that trouble my soul, no undone thrill.

There are no tears that have been dried or kept at bay, or escaping down my cheek from rims of wide weary eyes, that partake in regret.

No longing set free, no feelings left unturned. There is nothing to look back upon, and wish another way for me.

And as I look back, standing at the edge of this year, this long, hard, undone, overdone year, there is nothing that makes me want a other walk down the path or choose another road than the one I have traveled.

There has been compassion and contention, love, discord, pain and happiness. More joy than one can hold, more sorrow than one should endure. There have been sacrifices and giving of self, hiding, finding, sipping and devouring…it all.

I am all of it, every bit. The complete all of it, the unfinished of it, the breadth and depth of it. I am glad for it all, the good bad and the big and small.

I have no regrets waking up with you, all of you and your deals, wet from us and warm with skin on mine. No regrets of swimming, riding with my bare feet on the dash or taking a shower in the rain. No regrets sitting, listening to drops on the tin roof, in your little place. No regrets of you at all.

No regrets for fighting for family and what is right. None for being brave, saying what is felt and what should have been said long ago. No regrets for the love and loss of the year as it has passed.No regrets for the mistakes and lessons learned.

There has been hard work, harder play and many things let go this year. I carried the map of my life with every. Single. Heartbeat. And you were there too. Yes you.

Books have been read, put down and some left unfinished. Thoughts written down and lost or erased from time. And still, no regrets. Nooks and crannies have been explored, many prayers said and blessing given. Dreams have come to fruition, nightmares have been banished beneath the cloak of in in which they came.

I have carried this heart, heavy with sorrow and joy, across this country, in cars, in airplanes, in boats, up on a horse in hiking trails, in the woods, in the city, to work, to run, in water, in the anonymity of the night, and the harsh light of day.

This year, this 12 months, I have been the judge and jury, been judged and done the judging, been right, wrong, black, white and gray. I have laid it all out and picked up the deck.

And at the end of this year, this moment in my life, there is Peace. There is happiness. Mostly because, all because, you have been in my heart.

Those You Cannot Help

We all encounter them in our lives, those people who are in bad situations. We try to help them as best as we can – maybe they are our friends, or neighbors, or family and even a stranger. And then we realize, that for whatever reason, they cannot be helped. Because they do not want to help themselves. These people aggravate me to no end. And I find myself loosing sympathy for them very quickly.

Two recent examples: I have a friend who wanted to quit teaching and break into writing. We met and I promised to help him, since he had no idea where to start. So, I completely re-did his resume. I gave him access to all of my business contacts, sent him names and numbers of people to contact, sent him hundreds of job leads, even applied him for some jobs, and created an online portfolio for him. Three things he needed to do: follow up with contacts/job leads I sent, complete a list of writing samples to post on his online portfolio, and NOT post anything political or religious on his social networking sites.

Fast forward three months: He has not followed up on any leads, has not completed the samples and has his social networking sites plastered with controversial political and religious things. And he complains because he is not employed and is freaking out.

Second example: A friend lost his job in the non-profit industry. I was very traumatic for him, as he had planned a lot of his life around the job. He has friends and family willing to help, people willing to invest in a very profitable business idea of his, I am willing to re-do his resume and give him business contacts. But he does not take anything that is offered to him. Not only that, he complains about how he is the only one who he can count on, because he can’t depend on anyone else. He has a plot of land that is lives on, and a huge 5 bedroom house that is being rented, he has a very useful trade that can make him money. And yet he dramatically wallows in self pity as he declares how rough he has it.

Really? Come on.  This guy is so much luckier than so many. There are people out there with no friends and family, people who are truly alone. There are those who have been out of work for years with families to support (he is single, no kids).  And this guy wants to be dramatic?

In radio, they say you aren’t a professional until you’ve been fired at least twice. The same with contracting – everyone knows that the contract could be over any time, without notice, at no fault of your own. I have lost about 20 jobs in my lifetime. I have put a nephew through college during some of these times. I have struggled and scrimped, just like everyone else. But you bet your bum I sent out a ton of resumes, bugged my friends and family for contacts, asked for help, for references and bugged the heck out of recruiters. I think a few might have given me jobs just so I would shut up. But it worked. I’m not too proud to beg or and ask for help when it comes to something as important as having an income. Friends, family, business contacts, the stranger on the street…it doesn;t matter. A girls gotta eat.

So I get very short with those who won’t help themselves, or who won’t take advantage of all the support and opportunities available to them. Why do they choose to not help themselves? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a lack of confidence. Maybe they enjoy being miserable or wallowing in self pity. Maybe it’s a thousand other reasons. But they aren’t  my concern, to be honest. And they shouldn’t be yours either, if you have tried to help them.

Let’s face it, loosing a job just isn’t that uncommon these days. It’s just not that special. It happens to people very day. And you just do what you have to do. You make contacts, network, accept help and even get a job at McDonalds if you have to, to pay the bills in the meantime. Yes, it sucks, but that’s just life. But one thing is for sure, nothing is going to happen if you don’t stop wallowing and get off the couch.

And if you encounter someone who can’t be helped? Step – no run away – as fast as you can. Don’t bother helping those who won’t help themselves, It’s wasted energy and you have much better things to do with your time.

To Love and Be Loved

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  ― Lao Tzu

More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.

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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different  loves and all the different levels.

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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?

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This is where I find myself to day.  as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.

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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.

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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.

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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.

Day 16, 17 and 18

More thankful November days:

Day 16, my eyesight: I have very bad vision without my contacts, but with them I have better than 20/20 vision. So I am thankful for  my contacts and for my eyesight. I am thankful that I live in a time when contact lenses are a possibility.

Day 18, weather: I am thankful for beautiful weather. The weather with weekend has been wonderful, perfect for keeping the windows open in the house and letting fresh air inside while house cleaning. Hard to believe it is November with warmish/coolish sunny days. Perfect for curling up with a warm fuzzy blanket (which I am also very thankful for) and good books (again, for which I am thankful.

Day 19, contract and spell check: I am very thankful my contract has been extended. I love my job, I love where i work and they seem to love me too. I am also very thankful for spellcheck. Even though it might not seem like I use it much on this blog, I use it a great deal professionally. I am a great writer…not a great speller. And sometimes the thoughts pour out of me so fast that my hands cannot type the words fast enough and I have many typo’s. But that’s OK, you guts know what I mean.

I am also thankful for laughter and smiles. long sweet looks, slow kisses and good movies. I am thankful for long conversations, grilled cheese sandwiches, whispers and warm places.

I am thankful for Ranch Dressing, fried chicken and roller coasters. High heels, great boots and bathing suites. Glasses of wine, nail polish and earrings, hot chocolate, egg nog and Christmas trees. Nail clippers and cinnamon, and the smell of dinner cooking on the stove. Hugs, tissues, warm big sweaters and fuzzy socks, playing cards, chess and the Muppets.

Yes, this year I have so much for which to be thankful.

The Fine Art of Doing Nothing

We all need those times when we are doing absolutely nothing. When life gets crazy rushed with work, traffic, a busy social schedule, cooking, cleaning, and a thousand other things that need to be done. And sometimes, we need to take a break, press refresh and just relax.

Last night was that night for me. I have a ton of things to do – writing, cleaning, running, organizing, a busy social life and the list goes on and on. But instead I sat on the couch, and watched a Harry Potter movie. I curled up, wrapped in a big, warm soft blanket, ate left over lasagna and stayed on the couch the entire night with my two cats. Sent a few text messages, but otherwise didn’t even answer the phone.

And it was wonderful. It seems that life gets more hectic with each day, and sometimes we just have to take a break and slow down. I didn’t even feel guilty. 

Slowing down helps us recharge, take care of ourselves a bit, think about the past days, figure out plans of action, or just turn our brains off for a bit. And as I settle down, I realize the value of being still once again. It is very healing for me, as I am still and listen to that little voice, the voice of God. As I take the time to truly feel all that is happening around me.

And in my old age, it has become apparent, we must learn the fine art of doing nothing. We must take time for ourselves, by ourselves. To truly enjoy and revel in the life we have, to appreciate, to mourn, to laugh, to think, the plan, to enjoy, to love, to realize, to be happy, to be sad, to see the true wonderfulness of life, love and everything in between. Yes, sometimes, we simply must stop and be still.

The result is I am feeling much more rested and at peace today. And that is what happens when you allow yourself proper downtime. Yes, the art of doping nothing is delicious, and one should enjoy every minute of it. Because before long it will be time to rush off again, in the rhythm of life as the tides ebb and flow around us.

And life is good.

Thankful Days Continued

I have been away for a few days, busy with life. But here are the things I am so very thankful for this November and month of gratitude:

Grace, Day 7: I am very thankful for Grace. It has been given to me when I was going through hard times, was miserable and lashed out at others. People have loved me anyway, even when it was hard. And that takes Grace. And now I am trying to have Grace with others. It is not easy. But one thing I am learning, is that you cannot have Grace with others, until you also have it for yourself. That is even harder as I hold myself to some very high standards and fault myself when I come up short. But I am learning and getting better, with myself and others, every day. And for this I am thankful.

Generous People, Day 8: I am thankful for generous people. Last night, a friend of a friend came over and installed my wall mount for my TV. We had never met, he just did it because his good friend said someone needed help installing it. He brought his tools, his sense of humor and his technical know how. And now my TV is up on the wall and looks fabulous. He gave up his time for someone he had never met. A very generous man and I am very thankful for him, and many others who have been so very generous in my life. They have given when they did not have to and even when I did not deserve it. And for these many wonderful people, I am thankful. and I remember to pay it forward.

Where I live, Day 9:  I am very thankful to live and be a citizen of the United States. I went to a charity banquet many years ago and the main speaker talked about how we should always give back, because we were fortunate enough to be born where there is plenty. There is no difference between a child born in Ethiopia and a child born in the US, except one was lucky enough to be born here. That has always stuck with me. I have worked very hard to have the life I have, but it is honestly all by the Grace of God that I was born where I was, and live where I live, that I have been as fortunate as I have.

And this concludes today’s list of things I am thankful for (actually catching up for the last 2 days as well). Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

The Set Ups

Now that word has spread around that I am once again single, everyone has taken it upon themselves to find dates for me. I am getting offers for set ups like crazy. Even the head of security offered to set me up with some very nice men.

Why not?  If nothing else I will meet some nice people and make some new friends. And it is a compliment that they think highly enough of me that they would set me up with their friends.  And they all want to see me happy and in love. Who am I to argue?

And when someone comes recomended by a friend, you trust them a bit more than just any stranger you happen to meet, though a girl still has to be cautious. Plus my friends know if they set me up with a jerk I will write about it. So I go forward with an open heart, a smile on my face and good friends wanting the best for me.

Let the set ups begin!

You Can Get Over Writer’s Block. Here’s How.

I have writers block. You may not be able to tell it since I seem to be churning out a lot of pieces on the blog.  But that is because I can’t really think of anything important to say. I really don’t think most people are interested in the fact that I hung my dartboard very crooked. Or maybe they are and it gives them a good laugh. Mostly I have been writing rather self-centered pieces because I have not been able to think of anything really fabulous to say.

Not that my home projects aren’t interesting. They are to me. But they aren’t really deep and, at least I think, they lack a bit of substance.

So I have writers block. And I hate to admit that because I want you to think that I am a great writer who always has a topic about which to write. I want you to be amazed at what I have to say and the wisdom of my insights.

And it isn’t that I have nothing to write about. I have a lot to write about. I think it is more because thoughts are jumbled up in my head at the moment, and I am not sure in what form they should take. Or which ideas should even be written about. And I am not sure how to make them sound interesting when I do write them. This has never been a problem for me in the past.

So what do you do when you have writers block? Actually Googled it and two sites I found that were helpful are here and here. Some say you should take a few steps back and get away from the blank paper/screen. I have done that. Some say you should concentrate really hard on something and it will come to you. I’ve done that. And all of them say you should just write down whatever, brainstorm, let the ideas flow, and it will come to you. Something will stick. I have been doing that (thus all the posts).

Here are the ways I have found useful:

Write about anything/Brainstorm: This is what I am currently doing, and it is helping.  While it gets the creative juices flowing, it can also clear out the cobwebs of all the extraneous stuff that is not useful. Don’t worry about punctuation, spelling, grammar or even if what you are writing is any good. Just write. Plus you might find some nuggets worth keeping that can add that extra spice for your next project/piece.

Step away: Sometimes you just need to clear your mind, get away for a bit.  Get some perspective and be fresh when you come back.  If you have had a hectic time, or have been writing on a project for while, you might be suffering from mental/emotional fatigue.  Taking a break allows us to press the reset button.

Read: Reading helps get you out of your own head and into another frame of mind. I recently wrote a post called To Wirte you Must Read, and it is true.  It will also give you ideas for your own writing, how to structure a story, a charactor and such. I don’t read as much as I should. I don’t have time. Which may be one of the reasons I have writers block.

Stick to a schedule and deadline: The schedule part does not work for me because I am not a schedule type person, but many people are. And deadlines keep us focuses so that what we’re writing doesn’t stretch out over decades. If it works for you, use it.

Deal with any outside issues: This is a big one for a lot of people, including me. If a loved one is sick, you are going through a divorce, just lost your job or another issue about which you are very stressed, it may be interfering with your ability to concentrate and be creative.  Deal with those issues first, then come back to writing.

Isn’t it the same way in life?  What happens when you have “lifeblock”? When you have all these thoughts and ideas in your head about how and what you want your life to be but cannot seem to translate that into anything intelligible?

Maybe, is a combination of how to handle writer’s block. First, stand up and step away from the problem. Get some distance, get your head out of your own thoughts. Then maybe when you come back you can think about it. Then if that doesn’t work take a few steps back, then when you return start brainstorming. Deal with the issues and don’t try to avoid them. Stuffing your emotions in a box deep inside only increases internal pressure. Those emotions will find a way to manifest themselves. Better to deal with them now that to face a box full of ghosts under pressure.

I the last 6 months I have not been very good at dealing with my emotions right then and there. Sometimes you have to put your emotions on the back burner in order to get through a crisis. Sometimes you don’t have time to deal because you are too busy getting through it. That is what I have done.

And I suppose that’s OK, since our lives aren’t going anywhere without us. And that is the great thing about life, we get to write our story.  And while we may not get any do overs, we can certainly start a new chapter any time we like. We can change the direction of the story and make our lives what we want them to be.

So pardon me while I work out my writing here, in this space.  I may not be posting deep things right now, but know that you are helping me work through my writers block, in this space. And lifeblock as well. No doubt inspiration will be found soon enough.

Day 5: Not in Sandy’s Path

In the spirit of being thankful for something each day this month, I am thankful for where I live and that Sandy did not hit us like it did up North.  This area could just as easily be damaged by a strong storm. Funny that we think skyscrapers and big cities are indestructable.  A few years ago a tornado came through Atlanta and did a lot of damage to the buildings downtown. I can only imagine what hours of a strong, slow moving hurricane could do.

The power outages when it is so cold, the flooding and homes that were destroyed, the tempuratures dipping down below freezing, the gas shortages, long lines and generators that are on empty. Many times when our lives are easy, we forget that there are others still dealing with what happened. Seeing the news and hearing how gas is being rationed, hearing from my friends who tell me how they are doing, and the things that the news doesn’t report…it makes me so very thankful that I am OK, that I have power, that gas is not at a shortage, that my house is dry and I am safe.

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On a lighter note, I am also thankful for No Shave November, and all the men that have facial hair. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE facial hair. It makes me smile. 🙂

How to Be More Resilient

According to Dr. Russ Newman, “research has shown that resilience is not an extraordinary thing but is rather ordinary and can be learned by most anyone”.

Relience. The dictionary define resilience as The ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy. Resilience is what allows you to maintain a sense of well-being when you deal with the challenge.We have all been through those rough times. The truth is you really don’t know what someone is made of until you see them in the rough times. Anyone can be a great person when things are good and life is easy. And anyone can fake emotionaly stability when the waters are smooth. See someone is rough waters, see them at their worst if you really want to know them.

In the past I have been very resilient, able to get through rough times in a single bound. However, the last six months have been a challenge.  When rough times happen, here are some things that help keep your head above water and keep you reslient. Being the research loving person I am, I set out to find the best advice the internet had to offer. and now, I bring it to you. You are welcome.

Take care of yourself:

This one is a hard one for me. Unfortunately sitting at home eating abundant amounts of chocolate and watching B movies does not count as taking care of yourself. who knew?

When we are stressed and going through a rough time, it’s easy to loose sleep, stop exercising and start eating badly. According to research by the Mayo Clinic, those who are physically well are more emotionally equipped to handle stress. So we cannot forget to take care of ourselves. Slow down, spend some time alone, listen to music, take a walk. Exercise releases endorphins into the your body and helps to lift the spirits.

Getting a hobby (or three) is also recommended. Whatever makes you feel happy, fulfilled or gives you a sense of purpose and utilizes your talents. I am getting into crocheting and photography.  These are hobbies that I enjoy and for which I have a talent (well, we’ll see about crocheting…). Taking a class or joining a social group will also help you meet new people and get your mind off of your troubles.

Maintain a sense of control:

This one is oh so important, at least to me. Generally, resilient people tend to have what psychologists call an internal locus of control. Know that you have within yourself all that you need to make decisions that are important to your life. Look deep inside yourself and listen to that little voice inside of you, your gut instict. All that you need to get through, is right there.

When you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by a situation, take a step back to simply assess what’s in front of you. Think about possible solutions, break them down into steps and take baby steps. Martin Seligman, Positive psychology maven, says that a component of resilience is pervasiveness—not allowing a setback in one area to affect another. So keeping it together is a way to maintain control. This means, especially for women, to keep it together at work. Or al least close the door if you are going to get emotional. Never let them see you sweat, or cry.  At least go to the bathroom if you don’t have an office.

problem-solving skills and critical thinking are also shown the help keep a person centered and resilient. Research suggests that people who are able come up with solutions to a problem are better able to cope.   These skills are also key to  self-esteem, which also plays an important role in coping with stress and recovering from difficult events. 

 

Strong social connections:

Friends can help you through the rough spots. According tot he Mayo clinic,  being able to reach out to others for support is a key component of being resilient.  Those who have an broad support system recover faster from challenges in life. This has been a bit of a challenge for me, as I cut about 90% of my social group in the last year. But the people I have left in my life are solid, loyal and have integrity – and that is worth it’s weight in gold.

 

Sharing your problems with friends can help lighten the emotional load as we bounce solutions off our friends, get positive feedback or get out of the house and get our minds off of the problem.

 

See yourself as a Survivor:

You can’t really feel that locus of control unless you feel power to take action. You need to almost immediately feel that you have used your strength to survive something bad.  Then tap into that strength to get through the emotional aftermath. Never see yourself as a victim because you loose your sense of control and purpose. You are a survivor, you have strength and courage. Look for ways to solve the problem, or deal with it in the best way possible. Always take the high road and always maintian a level of class. Hold your head up high and know you can and will get through it. While the situation may be unavoidable, you can still stay focused on a positive outcome.

 

Embrace Change:

This is a tough one for a lot of people, including me.  I like things steady and predictable, but flexibility is an essential part of resilience.  Why not see these events and challenges as opportunities to branch out in new direscitons?  Learn something more about yourself, your charactor and your depth as a human being.  Yes, I am workin gon this too.

 

How exactly do you adapt to change if you are like me and would rather have a root canal?  Psychologists say that people who see change as a challenge and not a threat handle streeses better. In their book The Peace of Mind Prescription, Charney and Nemeroff say, “The hormones released by an appraisal of challenge include growth factors, insulin, and other compounds that promote cell repair, trigger relaxation responses, and stimulate efficient energy use.” 

 

Set Goals:

Goals that focus on your strenghts, things that bring you a sense of happiness, calm, satisfaction and fulfilment will help the most. The goals I have set for myself are to 1. Finish and publish my book by the end of the year. 2. Cook new super yummy meals 3. Finish the Fifty Shades of Grey series (which I am struggling with because I am actually getting board with the story). I am also working on writing better blog enteries, as I don’t feel like the latest entries have been very good.

 

Setting and meeting goals helps with our sense of control and accomplishment during a rough time. It will also boost self esteem.

 

Exercise:

Yes, you read right. Exercise has been correlated with stronger levels of resilience. So while becoming a couch potato and watching TV all night might be tempting, it isn’t very productive. Exercise relases endorphines into the body which has a positive impacts on one’s mood or the physical health benefits to those who exercise, or both.  

 

Have Faith:

If you are a person of faith, it helps to to pray, alot. And just hang in there. Know that the bad times are only temporary. It won’t last and in no time (and a series of babysteps) you will be past it and on to better times.

 

None of us are immune to rough times, and there are times in life that are jusst going to suck. And we just have to reach deep down and get through them. But these little steps will help shorten the time we are in the dark. and when the dust settles, we will be better, finer and stronger than we were before. Basically, finding Peace is what helps me, so do whatever youhave to do to get it. So dig in and get on with it.

The All Of It

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

I read this quote in a blog that I read today and it resonated deep within me.   To taste all that you can, every bit of life that comes near you, to always be curious and learning, is how I have always tried o live my life. But yet I am still hungry. I am not yet satisfied. i have not found that taste for that which I yearn. So I keep tasting and searching.

One thing about living life this way that no one tells you, is that yes, you do get amazing view of the world and everything in it, you also get all the bad tastes too.  you get hurt much more, and you cry, you ache, you bleed from the very center of your whole heart.  So living this way is not for the faint of heart, for it will wear you out, living with your whole self, your whole heart.
And sometimes, in the darkest parts of the hurt, I do question my decision to live a life this way, tasting, devouring every part of life I can. I wonder if it is worth it. The tears, the confusion, the all of it. The complete and utter all of it. Because you feel all of it when you live life this way, every little bump in the road. And the mistakes you make are deeply felt as well. As are the hurtful words of others. And that is where you must have Grace, something which I am working on very hard. And I wonder if it is worth it, the all of it.

And then I see a sunset, or feel joy when someone that I love has a triumph, or feel a kiss on my lips that makes my heart skip a beat, or  feels the arms of a man I adore, ofall in love. And then I think yes, it is worth it. At least this time. At least next time. At least one. More. Time.

And so it is.

The Pinktank Strikes Again: #1,387:

I have often written about those sitcom moments…those moments in life that are just so…embarrassing, bad, funny, weird, ridiculous, that if they happened on TV they would be hysterical? But they are happening in your life so all you can do is roll your eyes and hope one day it will be funny? 

I have had many moments like that…like the time I tripped over an atoman in a furniture store, in front a a hot guy, or the time I dropped the pee-cup at a pre-employment drug test – in front of a hot guy. Or the time I was buying a lip gloss and 3 packs of granny panties as a gag gift for my mother, and saw my hot next door neighbor (who did not believe the granny panties were for my mother).

Today was another.  I got up early today, got dressed and I looked very nice, if I do say so myself. I had on my hot skinny pants,  a sleek sweater, my hair and make up was looking good. I was in a great mood (especially for a Monday), and had a spring in my step. I went the store for my daily cup of coffee. The fact that I had not yet had my first cup of coffee should have been the first red flag. I am a clumsy girl to begin with, mix that with not having had my morning caffeine and anything could happen.

After I mixed the cream and sugar into the wonderful cup of caffeinated goodness, I turned around quickly and….slapped smack dab into a beautiful man who is tall, dark, handsome, and who now had a donut smashed all over his jacket. And all over mine too. As well as a small amount of hot coffee.

Great.

Cup of hot, steaming coffee embarrasment, anyone?

This only happens in the presence of really hot, sexy men. If it was a little old lady behind me, this never would have occurred. Hot men are my kryptonite.

The usual apologies were made, as he looked at me like I was a cute alien from another planet.  He was nice about it, laughed and said he needed to get his coat cleaned anyway. I am sure I turned 50 shades of red.

Just proof that I am an amazing woman who has it together…until a hot guy is around. At least I wasn’t buying knives.

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Making Your Life Your Home

There is something for which I am looking, searching, reaching.  After this weekend I finally know what it is. I am looking to make my life my home.  This past year, with my Dad’s health, and all the other upheaval that has been going on, I have pretty much been in survival mode – just gettting through it. 

But what does making your life your home mean?  To me, it means a place where you are comfortable, that feels good, a place from which you do not want to escape.  Everyone will go through rough times, where we really would trade with someone esle for a while, but as a general rule, your life should be where you are happy.  And if you are not, it’s never to late to change. You just have to ask, how do you want it to feel?

Yesterday, in addition to writing, I also started cleaning up my house.  I changed out all my seasonal clothing and pulled out all of my sweaters, In the process I started cleaning out my closets and my office.   So many people have been on my house over the last year…my parents, sister, nephew, friends staying when I was out of town, a couple boyfriends and  roommate from Hell.  All of them had left stuff, things left behind. Everything ranging from old luggage, to clothes, to computer stuff, to chargers, to pictures, to old shoes, to old paperwork to, just stuff.  Because things were so hectic, it was just a stuffing the stuff into a place it would fit for the time being and moving forward.

But at some point we all have to clean out our closets. And it is the same in life.  You have to get rid of the old baggage, that old stuff that others have left behind in your soul, your spirit, your life. You must clean out, not only to make room for the great things to come, but also to lighten your load, brighten the mind and just get rid of the crap. And who wants to carry another person’s left over, left behind baggage? Our own baggage is heavy enough.

And that is also a lesson for me in my life.  I don’t need to take care of everyone. I have my own problems to deal with, so I cannot deal with everyone else’s baggage too. We must be selfish enough in our life, for our life, to back away and say, “No, this is yours, not mine. Take it to your house and leave it there.”  When we are not selfish enough to do that, we end up completely depleted, because we carry their baggage plus your own. That is what I did this past year. No more. 

Sometimes, you also have to be selfish and honest enough to say you have nothing to offer another person right now. “Because I am taking care of myself. You can come into my life, but I cannot take care of you.”

So there I was, throwing things away, getting rid of everything that was not needed.  But how to tell what should stay and what should go? If it wasn’t mine, if wasn’t not usefull, if it didn’t serve me, if I did not have some sentimental attachment to it – it was thrown out. It really was cathartic. There is still quite a bit to go through, but what I have done is a good start to making my life my home.

I want my life to feel good, happy, and fullfilling.  I want it to feel warm, settled, and at Peace. Because I want to feel settled and at Peace. And that is what it shall be. And the rest of the year, will be fantastic, because I am taking care of me and making my life my home – warm, cozy, welcoming, Peaceful and fulfilling.

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Used To Be

As I was cleaning out everything in my house, I was thinking of how I used to be when I was younger. One of the things was that I was much more self sufficient.  When I was younger, I didn’t want any men in my life. So, I didn’t have a handyman, I didn’t keep boyfriends, and I did not let any man do anything for me, no fixing of things, nothing.

After I came back from New York, all of my friends said that if I wanted to find love, that I needed to open op, let people in, be vulnerable and need.  They said that I needed to stop being so hard, soften up a little. And so I did. But I think I did it too much.

So, I am not calling a handyman to fix the things I need done. I am doing it myself. I will move the dreadmill treadmill myself, I will hang the dartboard myself, I will fix the running toilets myself and I will figure out that piece of the garage door myself  too. Forget waiting on a guy getting around to it, or finding a boyfriend who is handy around the house so he can fix it for me. I am smart and there is no reason I cannot figure this stiff out myself.

Just don’t be surprised by DIY blogs, because while I am sure I can do/fix all of it, I would be naive to think that me + clumsy + tools would not equal anything less than comedic results.

To be continued….

The Perfect Storm

They are calling it the perfect storm, Sandy, as it is predicted to hit the East Coast early next week. I say prayers for those in the path of the storm. I know many people on the East coast from living in New York for almost 3 years (jeeze, that seems like a lifetime ago). Aside form the fact that it is a hurricane and they are predicting a Billion dollars worth of damage, it makes me think of how much I love when it storms. Indeed, most of the time, when bad weather moves through, it is indeed, the perfect storm. And I love it.

I am a big fan of sunny, warm, wonderful beautiful weather, but there is also something wonderful about when a storm rolls through.  I love falling asleep to the sound of the rain and will oftentimes open the windows before going to bed. The smell of the rain is delicious. Then to slowly wake up to the sound of the rain, then drift back to sleep, then slowly wake up, is wonderful too. I love when it rains on a Saturday or Sunday morning. And being kissed in the rain is like a slow motion dream that makes my knees weak.  But the best, by far, is making love when it is raining. Hearing the rain against the window pain while in your lovers arms, looking in their eyes. Amazing moments.

And at night, if the lights go out with a power outage, to me was always fun. You get the candles and flashlights, snuggle up in a blanket and just “be.” there are no distractions – no TV, no games, no nothing. And again, to loose power when you are with your partner is an excuse to get close, snuggle and have those late light conversations you wish would never end.

I have been on the water when a storm has come in, and that is truly amazing. To watch the lighting dance across the water is magnificent, and a reminder of God and Nature’s power.  When you are on the water, many times you hear the storm rolling in before you can actually see it. Sound carries on the water, so you hear the drops hit and it gets louder as the storm gets closer. Then you may start to see the lighting, feel the wind, smell the rain and taste the moisture as it is coming. It’s hardto describe, but if you have ever felt it, it’s a tangible change that you sense in your bones and you just know.

Maybe I also love the rain because it washes everything away, and when it is done, all is clean and green.  A metaphor for the soul, so let it rain and wash away all the old, all the worn, all the dust and dirt away.

I remember as a little girl, my father and I sitting outside, watching the sky light up and dance with lighting bolts during electrical storms, or just as a bad storm was blowing in.  I guess that began my fascination with storms. Even now, I have a hard time staying in, or not being glued to a window watching the sky.  I hope to be a good enough photographer to photograph lighting one day.

And as I check the weather forecast in my area, I let out a sigh – 0% chance of rain for the next 10 days. Oh-well, I guess I will just have to settle for the wonder and beauty of the full moon with clear skies on Monday.

Halloween Costumes, Training and Movies, Oh My!

We all have those times where we just want to be a little sponge and soak everything up. And we all have tiemns in our lives where things just start falling into place. The new training for the promotion has begun at work and it is excting.  I always love learning new things and what I am learning will expand my skill expenentually.

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By the time they are done training me, I will be writing for the website, be able to manage all content in the system, and develop the company site to accommodate the content and look they want.  I think they are actually going to give me that part of the company website to manage. Which is incredibly exciting for a company this large and well known. And when I get to that point, my income potential with this company will have grown a tremendous amount as well. And that is always good (at least in my mind).

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So Viva la training!

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It’s only Wednesday and already the weekend is looking to be a very busy one.  Friday is celebrating with my girlfriends. Several of us have had great things happen, so we must celebrate. A girls night out on the town. Atlanta may never be the same again.

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Saturday will be hiking and taking pictures up in the falls again. This may be the last time to be up in the mountains before it gets cold. and I am hoping the leaves will be at peak and not have all fallen off. I do love taking pictures and am currently looking for photography classes to take.  It is a goal this year to get a real professional camera, but in the meantime, there are digital photography classes that one can take for regular cameras.

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Halloween is a great time for parties and costumes. It has been a few years since I have gone to a costume party and I am excited about it this year. The last time I dressed up I was Morticia Adams. It was much fun and I loved the long black wig I wore. This year should be even more fun as a friend of mine and I are going as Batman and Catwoman. The costume is super sexy:

 

I am Catwoman…hear me meow…

Sunday is a day of writing and movie watching. What better way to have a great Sunday than writing while Harry Potter and Indiana Jones are playing? And I have a wonderful TV for all the special affects.  And I have decided I really like the super hero, comic book movies.  I want to see the lastest Batman movie and I want to Netflix  several over the next month or so. I may even cook a big pot of chili or spaghetti Sunday.

The trip to Chicago is a few weeks away, so all that is left is to decide which show to see. There are a few more weekend trips in the works, but this is the one about which I am the most excited.

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I have been slowly working on my book now for quite a while and have decided it will be done by the end of the year. To help keep me motivated I have decided to join a writing group. Someone I used to know once said it helped him with motivation and deadlines. The same might work for me as the end of the year approaches. I really want this book complete.

I am also looking for a group of knitters to join, thought hat might wait until after the fist of the year.  Knitting will go with my theme of being still and I will be able to make scarves, baby booties, blankets and such. If you thought I was  a complete old lady/nerd, you were right. Maybe I will put my hot catwoman costume on while I knit so I don’t feel so much like a little old lady…

The Goals

The Goal Board is complete and it feels good. There is something about putting my life in order, having goals and such to work toward. Along with pictures of what I want to do in the next year, there are quotes that mirror what I want to be and what I need to work on personally. What are my goals for the next year? To do more photography, to re connect with friends that I have not had the time to see and talk to in the past year because of life, I want to go horseback riding, go zip-lining, do something new like what water rafting or such. I want to knit, and be at Peace enough to be still. And I can’t wait to knit my loved ones blankets.

In addition, I am working towards Peace, Grace, wisdom and patience. So there are also quotes such as”

“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill” – Buddha

“Ask God for Confidence to slay any giants in your life that have set themselves against God’s plan for you”

“Your work is to discover your world and the with all your heart, give yourself to it” – Buddha

I like these quotes because one of the things I need to work on is not forcing a situation, not being defensive, taking a breath and backing off.  While the last relationship would not have worked because he was just divorced, I did make mistakes. When I saw him backing away and I and the relationship were not a priority, I should have said nothing and completely backed off, instead of freaking out and being clingy. Clingy is not sexy. Had I been in a healthy emotional space, I would have done exactly that. Insecurity and being defensive is not sexy or healthy. So this is changing now, not waiting until next year.

I did sneak a bit about love in there. Two people holding hands because I don;t need anything fast, I need slow.  I got into trouble with the last two and allowing myself to fall quickly. Never again. I do want to be in love, lots of kisses in the rain, snuggling on the couch, holding hands and such, I must remember to go slow so I do not get burned again. So just friends and companionship…get to know and see if friendship grows from there. I should have done that in the last relationship when it was offered, but I didn’t know how.

I am excited about my goals for the next year. The rest of 2012 is going to be great, and 2013 will be wonderful. And one of the things is to take more pictures, so here they are.

My Goal Board

My Goals: Be calm, breath, be patient, back off. There are times to be quiet and still

The section representing me getting back to my happy and healthy self.

I want to learn in the next year: Knitting, being still, zip lining, rafting, horseback riding and Photography

Good advice for me…and just letting go in general.

Gives me Peace to know

About my writing

Don’t forget to enjoy life with all your heart and take chances.

 

Avoiding Love is Finding Hell

A passage from C.S.Lewis from his book The Four Loves:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one,     not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it. What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.

.Aaron Manley Smith wrote: “The hard part I’ve had to learn, as a man, when we truly love someone, is that, there comes a moment when we have to choose to humbly and peacefully take the beating because they need something to beat and you’re the only thing that will take it and turn it into the love they so desperately need and have been denied…”

Love is a word that inspires and haunts us. It is one of the most powerful things that drives us in our lives – love of a partner, of friends, the love of a parent to a child. What would we not do for love?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Or maybe I do. I will not become bitter, even in the throws of a broken heart. I will not close myself up, I will not put myself in the “casket” of Hell. The same love that God gives to me, flows through me and it must not stop there. It must be given to others – friends, family, and children. Contrary to the fairy tales, love is not always easy. It should not always be hard, but it often is. Because we are, as humans, imperfect and jagged. And we will inevitable hurt each other.

I prayed for something larger and bigger than myself to build. Something that was more important than just me. I had no idea how God might choose to put it in my life to answer that prayer, but at the cornerstone of it, I think, is Love.

But it is not easy, and it is not going to be easy. I face many hardships, questions and struggles in the future. Can I do this? Myself? Maybe I can’t, but Love can. Love will find a way. And on those days when I feel like I can’t, when my knees are shaking, my heart breaking, my soul hurting, Love can carry me though.

I must trust that love will find it’s way into my cracks and crevices, to make me stronger, as rusted and ragged as I currently feel.

Like one of my best Friends Rex writes of those hard times, they lead to a rich life, with love, heartache, the good, bad and ugly. But it is real and it is what life is all about. And I would rather take a chance at loving someone and live a life of those missed opportunities, even when it doesn’t work, than be so closed up and untrusting, that I miss the greatest loves of my life. For that is no life at all.

And when you love someone, you allow them their days and their faults. I have seen this with my own parents, married 45 years in November, There have been times when my father was angry, and lashed out at my mother, and vise-versa. When you love, you absorb those faults as if they are your own, because you love. You give, you take, you absorb, you love. You don’t get scared because some views or opinions are different than yours. If everything was the same, it would be very boring. And if it is that shallow, then it is not love at all. For love is deep.

As long as the core values are the same – family, faith, partnerships, morals, integrity – then that is half the battle. The other half is finding someone who will accept you faults and who you do not mind “taking a beating from” as Aaron Manley Smith says. Because you are open to love and getting hurt is part of it. If you are open to the joy, then you must be open to the pain. It is as it must be, there is not one without the other. No one is perfect. We all have bad days, we all get into fights, we all have doubts, some days more than others.

And on those other days, it must be love that carries us through. Love for ourselves, love for another, love for friends, love for family, love for children

And we carry that love in our hearts and in our soul:

i carry your heart with me

By e e cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

A Year in Pictures

I was going through the pictures of my phone and cleaning them out. It is intersted to go back to see what the past year has held…So here is a year in pictures from my phone:

BoJack exploring the dryer…

More shoes…

Trying to get a little bit of sun in May.

Spring toes in the grass.

It’s all about the shoes…

Amicalola Falls, where I took several wonderful hikes and will return again soon…

JJ, the luckiest cat int he world afer he was rescued and taken to live with my parents. He’s a happy kitten.

My bath that keeps me sane – nothing like soaking after a long hard day…

The light that FINALLY was fixed after 18 months…and now I must change the lightbulb…Again…

Picking apples in the Fall

Picking apples in the Fall

My first Apple Crsip…representing all the wonderful new things I will be baking. 🙂

Warm Feet in January 🙂

There are many more…just having trouble loading them off the ohone (Have I mentioned being technilogically challenged as well as clumsy?) Several pictures of the house projects that need to be done still…like the thing that fell on my car from the garage door opener, my dart board that needs to be hung, the surround sound system that need to be conencted, the Dreadmill treadmill that needs to be moved from in front of the fireplace to back out in the garage…lots of shoes, a Grandpa store and several other funny photos. Eventually, I will get them off the phone and an the blog…but one thing at a time.

It is ineresting to look at these photos of the past year. A year that I am happy to say goodbye too. Lots of home projects, lots of shoes, lots of rescued kittens, hot boots, high tempuratures and more.

I wonder what pictures will be taken in the next year…what adventure the future holds.

I am pressing reset on a few of the things in my life, and I am looking forward to seeing the result. Looking forward to moving forward, to having the life I want, the dreams I know, and friends with which to share. And I guess that is the one thing I am looking forward to in general – sharing.

Question: Mercy, Compassion, Grace and Forgiveness

Rex, one of my best friends asked me a question:

“Have you ever had a man love you enough to  hold you while you beat up on him because you were more important to him than his ego?”

My Answer: Yes.

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The question was so raw in it’s honestly it stopped me in my tracks. And I started to cry. It was almost 20 years ago, but that question brought everything back like I was right there in it.

His name was David. I was 19.

I asked Rex later why he asked that question, he said: “It’s one of the 3 or 4 lowest points and/or most charged-up situations in any relationship run into. Without those turning points no relationship turns real, it just stays cursory.”

There is a time in my life I call “The Dark Ages,” and it lasted from age 19-21.  Terrible things happened during that time. No one knows everything that happened. I have never told. And I never will. Somethings just hurt too much to ever tell another.

David was my angel. He held me as I sobbed for hours, weeks, as I sobbed for months, even over a year. I sobbed for everything I had lost, all of myself that I could never get back. I wept for my heart, how it was so broken, I was broken, from the inside out. I had to look up to see rock bottom.  That was during the time I would drive 1,000 miles a day, just to be moving. I couldn’t be still because everything horrible would catch up with me.

I put that man through every kind of Hell imaginable. I yelled, lied, was so mean, wishy-washy, temperamental, distrusting. I never cheated, but I did treat him horrible. I put him through the ringer emotionally.

And he was there for me the whole time. He held me through it all, telling me it was going to be OK. He knew, whatever it was that hurt me so, I had to get it out.  He took my anger, pain, loss, confusion, loss of faith, disillusionment, emptiness, distrust, meanness….turned it into love, and gave it back to me.

That is Grace. And that is what I have prayed to have. It is not easy. Because you do have to care less for your ego than anything else. And sometimes, you do get beat up, quite a bit.

I thank David, to this day. I can never pay him back for what he did for me. His kindness, his wisdom, his Mercy, his Grace, saved my life. I cannot repay the debt, but I can pay forward.

Mercy Street, by Peter Gabriel is what he gave me: