The Three

There is a theory that things in life come in threes. There are many examples every can point to in life. And indeed that would be the case now. I have a tattoo of three doves over an infinite sign, representative of the three beautiful people I lost in my life over the past 2 years.

And now I have three siblings who seem to no longer want a relationship. Things said and done before I was born have set the stage for now. Things none of us had any control over, things that are no ones fault who are still left on this earth. And yet the ghost of the words and actions of others haunt us still.

I am the youngest, born in 1973, long after dreadful deeds were done. And sometimes I wonder how I can be the youngest and still be the most aware of the pettiness of who wrote what paragraph 13 years ago in a document none of us had anything to do with.

How can I be the youngest and be the one who sees how ridiculous it is to hold onto pain that was cause by people who are dead.  Everyone who put this situation in motion is dead.  They are gone. And when in this situation you have a choice – hold onto a dead man’s grudge and let that grudge make you bitter; or move forward in love and light and learn about things and people yourself. I choose that latter.

But you cannot make that choice for someone else.  So if they choose to hang on to a dead man’s grudge, then let them have it.  They can go down with the ship – along with the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s (how many generations did that go?).  I was fine before they came back, I will be fine when they leave.

Except I don’t want them to go. I want them to stay.

Maybe it is too much for a relationship categorized as “weird” to bare. Maybe the affection and curiosity were not returned, but merely tolerated. Maybe there is “too much baggage” as stated – except that it is not my baggage and I will not pick it up at baggage claim. Maybe I do not belong after all.

And I have a confession to make.  More than anything in life, at this moment, I simply want to find where I belong. With whom? And where? At Christmas, on whose wreath shall I knock? Family would be the natural choice, but not always. And so that is for what I search.  A place to go and to be; someplace to belong. A place to learn and be loved and to love in return.

And maybe the answer is not to look for it among others, even if they are family  Maybe it is to create it ourselves?  But how?  I have no family of my own. The answer is…I don’t know.  I do know that no solution, or love, was ever found by feeling sorry for yourself.  I know that you cannot make anyone love, accept or even like you.

And so I will not be moving to North Carolina like I had hoped. Where will I go?  I don’t know.  But I know that the world is full of wonderful places and amazing people, and most of all, the world is full of love.  It is up to me to find it, cultivate it, and grow it.  It is up to me to write my life and my story and the happy ending I hope to find, somewhere.  And if those who I originally cast do not want to accept the role?  Then it is up to me to find others who will.  It is up to me to make sure my life and my heart are full.

And that is the three for which now I seek: Love of God, Love in my heart, and love of a family to call my own –  how ever they come to me and whoever they turn out to be. And honestly in life, in if we have those three, then we are truly lucky and blessed indeed.

The Goal Board

I make one every year usually, though the past year got away from me for obvious. reasons. It helps me work toward my dreams and goals. It is my goal board, and it has been over 2 years since I made one.  So it was long overdue.

In life we must have goals, we must have something for which we are working toward.  And having this board helps keep those goals and dreams in the front of my mind, so that I am always working toward them, always thinking of them, and always making sure I am going in the direction that gets me closer.

We must always strive to be better, to keep learning, to keep being curious, to keep making our life the great novel it is supposed to be. But how?  I don;t know what works for others, but one of the  things that keeps me motivated is that goal board.  Looking at what I want every day makes sure that I am always working and moving forward.

Now that I am well on my way, I need to know what I want and where I want to be to get there.  I feel as if I have been struggling to fine my place in the world, and where to plant my life, my roots. There is no feeling worse that the feeling of being completely lost, so lost that not even God can find you. The feeling that you have lost everything is horrible.

I have worked hard to climb back to the land of the living, the place where there is joy, love and happiness.  Now that I am her it is time to take life ti the next level.  Never do I want to take life for granted.

2000-Ada: This is a term a dear friend thought of when we were talking about how these next years are going to be amazing.  I told her my plan and she was excited to be a part of it.  So instead of 2017, 0r 2018, it is 2000-Ada…or maybe it should be written as 20Ada? Either way, these next years and mine for the taking, it is my story to write and my amazing life to life.

Faith: This is the central part of everything.  God and Faith is from where everything else originates. Prayer and careful meditation is the key to a happy, well balanced life, inner Peace, forgiveness and much more.  This is the single most important part of the goal board.  This has been a rough time past, and I want to make sure that my Faith and relationship with God is where it needs to be.

Family:  I knew family was  important before my parents passed, but now I see that they are everything.  My siblings, cousins, aunts and my wonderful friends who are family – they are my heart. Especially the relationship with my siblings.  I am the youngest of five and have not always been close with them.  I want that to change and I want to be the typical little sister and learn everything about them. And in the next two years, I want a family of my own.

Writing: I have to write.  It is who and what I am – a writer.  Sometimes things can get so busy ad hectic that I do not write, not even notes on what to write later.  I am a creative writer, so it is important to honor that part of myself and my personality.  That includes writing in my handwritten journal too.

Meditation: Part of this goes with faith, but it also the Secret and The Power of Attraction.  I have to ask for what I want.  I also have to make sure that I am clear of negative energy and people

Exercise: That last 10 pounds is TOAST!!  I have decided it is time to get where I was back two years ago, when my arms, shoulders, legs and abs were in a lot better shape and toned.  I joined LA Fitness and went to my first Yoga class tonight,  I am hooked.

Travel: The next year will have many trips and even the year after that.  It is time to plan and make some of these dreams come true. And the best is when you have a travel partner.

Finances:  Planning for retirement, making sure that all my ducks are in a row. Making sure that everything falls into place as it should.

Love: Even though my ex cheated on my with prostitutes, is a 50 year old man going through his mid life crisis by dating 25 year-olds, going on every dating and anonymous sex site and screwing anything with legs to prove to the world that he is a stud…I refuse  let how he treated me and what he did make me bitter. True love is out there. The man I want knows that it is a sacred space, that love means supporting each other to be your best selves and being kind and compassionate to each other.

My mission statement:  To have a life where love is so present, that it is tangible. That doesn’t mean jut romantic love, it means love in general – love for my friends, family, career, fellow human beings.

You life is what you make it and no one is going to work harder at it than you.  Do what you need to do to inspire the change that you want to see.  If that is a goal board, or a life coach, or listing out your goals, what ever you need to keep your dreams in your face, and on your mind.

As for me, I want it all – love, career, travel, family

 

 

What I Love

There Are things that we discover in life that we love.  That no matter where we are, it there are things we want in our life, things that make us happy.  And I have discovered that taking care of others is what makes me happy.

There are only two men I have ever lived with in my life, and I loved them with all my heart. Another that I loved was living with them and taking care of them.  I loved cooking for them, spending time with them, even in the dull mundane ordinary days of life.  I loved doing laundry for them (did’t love folding it) and loved making sure that they had what would make them happy in the  house – their favorite foods, wine, beer, whatever.

I also loved planning with them, the whole things about doing and handling things together. I loved picking out a new house to rent with my ex, I loved looking at possible homes to buy. And planning trips and dates and all of the every day things too. I loved having a partnership.

And when we determine what we want in life, we have to take an honest look at when we were the happiest, and when we weren’t. When we decide how we want our life to feel, we have to identify what it is that makes us feel the best and most fulfilled.  For me, it is taking care and serving and loving others.

And so, as I move forward in what will make me happy, I recognize this about myself.  I want to live with another, to be a partnership, to take care for them and be a team.  I am the happiness in life when I am giving and taking care of those I love.  I am the happiest when loving.  When I look back on my life, that is when I was filled with the most joy.

So raise your glass to what makes you happy.  And go after it with such passion that it must some to fruition.

Wisdom and Seasoning

I remember talking to one of my best friends on the night before my father’s memorial service.  I was sobbing to her and saying that I did not think that I could do it.  I didn’t think that I was strong enough (the only time I have ever said that). I was crying so hard that I could barely speak.  And she told me something that stuck. She said:

“Tomorrow will be the hardest day of your life; the day of your father’s service.  But after tomorrow the is day done, and Nothing will ever hurt you that bad again for the rest of your life.”

And she was right.

The good thing about that is that no matter what other’s may try to you, no matter how vindictive they are to you or how nasty, they will never be able to hurt you, because you have already been through the worst. And nothing will ever hurt you that bad again.  So it doesn’t matter what others do.

And they hate that, that they cannot touch you or truly hurt you any worse than has happened before.  They will try though. People who are that vindictive are so miserable that all they can do is make everyone else miserable around the, so the best thing to do is to just let them be.  Karma will sort them out.

As we get older wehave experiences, both good and bad, that make the rest of life easier.  We know what to expect and how life works, because this isn’t our first rodeo.  This same friend also said several months ago about getting over my horrible ex:

“That is the thing about getting older, you have had a broken heart before, you know  what it is and that it doesn’t kill you.  You know it’s may be rough for a little while, but then you are like, ‘Oh OK, let’s get this done and over with so I can get on with things.'”

And so it goes, with life and experiences.  Once you get to a certain age and a certain level, you have already been there and done that.  You know what it takes and so you pull up a chair, pure a glass of wine and settle in for the storm, because you know it won’t last.

There are many benefits to being well seasoned in life, truly being a woman and all that it encompasses.  You know how the world works and why.  You take pride in those scars you have acquired, because they show a life well lived and well loved – and well survived.  You have stories and memories, because you have had a life.

So be proud of your seasoning and wisdom.  It is a right denied to many.  Now, raise your glass and let’s all have a toast.

Fear

 “Do one thing every day that scares you

It is no secret that we all have fears and insecurities. We all have scars and baggage, especially if you are above a certain age.  And most of the time the fears and insecurities we have are not rational.  They are figments of our imagination, but that doesn’t make them seem any less real.

They say that you should do something that scares you every day.  This is pretty much every day to me. Every day I am doing things that scare me.  I have a lot of fears and insecurities in this new part of life. Moving forward is exhilarating but terrifying. And to be honest I have no idea what I am doing.

So here is a list:

Life:  Life right now life is pretty scary.  I know that I write about looking forward and moving forward, and I am, but there is also fear that goes with that. This is a new time in my life and a new way of life.  Figuring out how to build everything up from scratch is a pretty big undertaking.  For the most part I think I have it all under control, but some times I do look around a wonder what I am doing and how am I going to do it?

Love:  This is a big one. I thought I was done with searching  I thought I had found the one, the love of my life and the man I would marry…but he wanted hookers and strippers more than he wanted me. What if men on my age group are just like that?  What if all men in my age range lie and cheat? What if I will never fall in love again?  What if no one ever loves me? More than someone loving me I want to love and have someone who will accept that love. And what about having a family?  I want children and that is scary too.

Work:  It ‘s a big deal and I love what I do.  But this project is big.   It scares me a little.

Moving: It’s always a pain to move…and this is no exception.  But this move is different. And it has a lot more furniture because of all of my parents stuff. Finding another house as great as this one is going to be tough, and the move is going to be tough too.

Myself:  I have some insecurities about weight and sexiness.  I have stayed the same weight for a while now, and once I get back to the gym it will come off, it is just getting there.

Why put all of this out there?  Especially when there is the power of attraction?  If you put fear out there won’t it come back to you?  Well, I think you have to acknowledge it, what ever it is that makes you scared or insecure in order to let them go.  How can you face your fears an get over them if you first do not admit what they are?

And in admitting these are my fears and insecurities they suddenly loose the grip that they have.  Because I am human and imperfect and flawed and scared.  But it is our scars that make us our most beautiful and our most human.

I also believe that happiness is a decision.  And every decision you make is either driven love or fear. And I choose to make decisions of out of love.  So I am going to love myself enough to say that yes I have fears, and I am going to succeed anyway.  I will over come them, I will make them obsolete.

And that is how you handle fear.

 

 

The Resting Place

And the appointment was set I was meeting with another real estate agent to see about selling the family compound down south Georgia. The drive down Friday night was long and slept so well the sound of the Crickets, the frogs, and nature. I arrived in time to see the stars. And it’s amazing how many stars that you can actually see it at night, when you get away from the city in the hustle and bustle.

There are millions of stars out there, that you’ve completely forget about when you’re in your own world. And isn’t that the case in life sometimes, we get so busy and our own little world that we forget that there are millions other Little Worlds out there. We get so involved in our drama and our lives that we forget there’s a whole other world out there full of magic.

That’s why I like coming out here in the middle of nowhere, out in the country because it reminds you it reminds you of how small you really are, it reminds you of the cosmos and that there’s more to life than what’s in front of your nose. It reminds you to keep your priorities straight. And as I looked up at the stars I could feel peace  the presence of my parents and all of their love, I could also feel the presence of God.

And then I got the text message that the real estate agent was not able to make it. It was early in the morning when I got the text message and I rolled back over and I went to sleep. And again I slept soundly and I slept late. And when I woke up I remembered how this is always the place that I went always the place that I came to recharge. When life has worn me down I would always come home for my mother’s hugs my father’s voice and the comfortable beds and the sound sleep. And I would come home and rest, and Mom would make sure that she never woke me up, she would always let me wake up on my own because she knew this was the this was the place where I rested. And so it goes, and it doesn’t bother me that I traveled all this way and the real estate agent wasn’t able to make it.

It’s is a beautiful place and I could never be mad at making a trip down, I could never be mad at this beautiful place where I get so much rest. 

  

And as for Me

And as for me, life continues on as has. We all reach a point jn life where things are steadilt headed up, at a nice uphill angle. Hard enough to be challenging so we dint get board, but not so steep it is impossible.

What I want now is what I wanted twp years ago: love and companionship. That which whom I can build something larger than myself. Someone with whim I am equally yoked. 

And it starts with me. So I listed everything that I am which I also want to attract. And here, at the family compound where love is tangible, I have to smile. Love should be easy. It should feel good. It should make you free not tie you down. 

I look for someone worthy of my time and affection. A good man who can handle a strong woman. Someone I can lavish with affection and kisses. Someone to spoil me and take care of me in wonderful ways. Not a fantasy, but real in the flesh. 

Someone patient who will allow me to be vulerable in their presence, because thet make me feel safe. A man with honor who isn’t afraid to walk the line. 

So as for me, I will be watching and waiting, living and laughing until God sees it is time in His perfect wiadom. I want to know what love is. My heart is open, my mind is ready and the time is right.