The Best Day

Rarely are there days that measure up to the fantasy in life, and if we are lucky, we get a few of those. And indeed, this day surpassed anything that I had imagined. And I had to savor it for a while, enjoy the wonderful splendid before sharing,

The trip was planned for months and we were both excited. We were going with great friends and my man’s God daughter up into the Colorado mountains for day hikes and good unplugged quality time spent together. A beautiful cabin where we could see the stars, hear the crickets, and enjoy the clean fresh air. We would cook, laugh, drink, hike, and have a great time. It was beautiful. The day before we left was a flurry of activity getting everything ready and packed. And then the morning of the trip, I only forgot one thing as we headed to the airport – my make up bag. But we were going hiking in the mountains, I wouldn’t need make up anyway…

The best day started out like any other – coffee in my PJs, but with the added benefit of siting out on the deck enjoying the crisp mountain air. Then it was time to get ready for our first hike. I was a little nervous as I haven’t been hiking at that elevation in a long time.

The start of the hike was good, but hot and I was sweating. The young girl who was with us had never been hiking or at that elevation, so I was thankful when she wanted to stop quite often to rest, because then I didn’t have to ask. As we hiked up toward the middle of the mountain it got cooler and soon I got a chill. My man and his best friend noticed that the clouds were gathering in the distance and it looked like rain, a lot of rain. At first they thought the weather wasn’t moving fast enough to get us, but they soon changed their minds as we picked up pace to the top of the mountain.

At first it was just a few sprinkles, then a few more and increased until it was a good rain storm. I was thankful that I had my raincoat and put it on as we headed up toward the peak. And then I felt several small hits on my head through the rain coat and looked to the ground…Hail? Was it actually Hailing? Yes it was. The last track to the top was a sprint as we all headed towards a hiking shelter. The five of us, soaking wet, got in laughing and happy for the structure, complete with benches, tables, nap space, and a primitive bathroom. We ate lunch and rested as we waited out the storm.

When the rain cleared it was time to walk around outside and explore the views. Our friends asked me to check on my man who was sitting up on a rock, while they looked around a bit. As I slid beside him and asked how he was, he answered that he was good, and was just thinking about what a long journey it had been. Me, not thinking anything of it, responded with something like, “Yes, but the rain and hail didn’t last long and look at this beautiful view!” I was about to find out how wrong and clueless I was.

He smiled, let go of my hand, stood up, turned around, and then dropped to one knee. He was almost halfway though before I actually realized what was going on. And in that moment, the whole world stood still.

“I love you. Will you marry me?”

I was shocked and had no idea he was planning to ask that day. I started crying and I wanted nothing more than that moment to l last…I took a deep breath and said…”Maybe,” and smiled ear to ear. And then burst into tears and said “YES!”

And that was the best day. A day that I was reminded of all my prayers that were answered when this man and I found each other. A day that will forever make me smile and ever so thankful that such a wonderful man loves me . And how blessed were are that we have a love, deep in faith, that will last.

US

An on the humorous side of fantasy versus reality, when a woman thinks about the moment the love of her life proposes, she automatically assumes she will look good – hair and make up done, and wearing a great outfit. In the reality of the moment…I forgot to pack my makeup so wasn’t wearing any for the trip. My hair was pulled back in a common pony tail, and a but frizzed from all of the rain and hail. I was wearing wet hiking clothes and I looked like a confused squirrel. And it made no difference. In that moment, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. And I am the luckiest and most blessed woman in the world to have this man by my side, in love.

Christmas to You

Hi Mom and Dad,

It’s me. And it’s Christmas. A time of year that is for those of us who have lost loved ones. Oh, and I do miss you so much that my heart aches. But I have to tell you something – I am happy. Blissfully, wonderfully, ridiculously happy. For the first time in many years. Happy like I was I my early 20’s, carefree and loved. I wish you could see my smile, and hear it in my voice. But maybe you can as you watch over me.

Even with this happy, wonderful life, I still miss you. No matter how long it has been, no matter how happy I am, I will never stop missing you guys. There ar still so many times I have thought, “I have tell call and tell Mom about this or that…” Even after this many years. I suppose I’ll always want to pick up the phone and call you.

And it’s Christmas Eve, and in my new life, there is so much love and happiness. So many people to see, and love, and gifts to wrap and wonderful to experience. And yet, I still think back to our Christmas Eves, when all of us gathered at your house, wrapping and laughing and living and drinking wine, and sneaking things into each others Christmas stockings. And how to integrate some of our traditions into my life with this family now.

And all of your recipes and cooking and reading your book. And so much love. The amount of love you raised us with is truly amazing. But I guess that originated from your faith in God and your love for each other.

I just wanted to let you know that I am happy this year. In the new house, with my wonderful man, making this life together. But I will always love and miss you guys. And I love when you visit my in my dreams. And I really love when we get a chance to hug in those dreams. No matter how long you live, there can never be enough hugs.

This is what you always wanted for me. I am here. And I hope that you can see me. I hope that you still send me signs, hope that you keep watching over us. And I hope you are proud of me. Because the older I get, the more proud I am of the two of you, and all that you did, and were, and taught me.

Merry Christmas Mom and Dad. I will love you forever and miss you always.

20 Years

This day, September 11th, will always be remembered by those who were old enough to experience it. At the risk of sounding old, the younger generation has no idea what it is like to see, either in person or on the news, an area that vast, where rescuers are still looking for remains even a year later. They have no idea what it is like to know people who were or should have been in those buildings, wondering if they were still alive that day, or if they were one of the many who jumped or were buried alive.

They have no idea the panic of calling that friend, or family member, over and over, desperately praying they answer so you know they are OK. Nor do they know the relief when that call is answered…or the devastation when it isn’t.

They have no idea what it was like to go and see Ground Zero, before it was built back up, before there were monuments and new buildings, when it was just a huge hole, larger than you could ever imagine, and know that so many people were now part of that dust.

To me this day is a somber one, but one we should never forget because there are so many lessons that were learned. It was the day our innocence was lost as a country, I think.

But for me it is also a day to be thankful. Thankful that I live in this wonderful country. No matter how many problems we seem to have, at least we are free. And I am thankful for that freedom. That were are still Americans and not subject to Sharia Law. That as a woman, I am still allowed every right I had before that date so many years ago.

I am thankful for my job and amazing career, for my friends, and that we are all OK. That we work hard and have a roof over our heads, food, running water, electricity, a comfortable bed where we sleep and do not hear the sounds of guns shots and war, as many in other countries do.

For me this is a day to be thankful and realize how lucky I am, how lucky we are, as a nation. And I thank God.

And every day, I should do my bet to be my best, because by miracle and luck, I am in this country, the greatest country in the world. And I should not take anything for granted. Life is delicate and fragile. And today is not a dress rehearsal.

Life is short. Make it good. Make it memorable. Make it worth it.

May the Psalm be With You

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

I went from having this wonderful family to no family at all, to having nothing and no one. And the family that was left did nothing but taunt and ridicule, wanting to cause as much pain as possible. And they did. Until I was broken, so profoundly broken in so many more ways and so many more pieces than I ever had ever been before.

Because I grew up believing that family was everything and that nothing was more important than taking care of your family. And I had done that. And yet there I was alone. And I didn’t understand it all. I didn’t understand how I kept true to my beliefs and values that I was taught and still ended up with nothing and no one. I felt alone. And abandoned.

And I know that I got through it, but there’s so many things that I don’t remember. I know that I got up, handled things, and went to work and ate and breathed and did laundry and drove and talked to friends and everything that’s involved in living. Some memories are extremely vivid, but mostly it is all a blur of “non memories.

So I really don’t know how I got through it except to say I did it by the Grace of God. And I would hear my mother’s voice. I was a shattered, empty shell of myself, but I remember my mom’s voice whispering to me, telling me to remember that I “had a steel frame inside me.” And I clung to that, I clung to my mother’s voice. And I prayed.

But my heart broke a thousand times a day in a thousand different ways. And I wondered how can I have ended up here, completely alone? Because I had given all my time, money and resources to building up the family. I had taken care of everyone…and now they were all gone. I didn’t understand why they were so angry and bitter towards me or why they enjoyed hurting and lashing out.

I know now though: When someone is compassionate and kind, those of smaller intestinal stature are threatened and become jealous. They know that they can never rise to that level. They know that they do not possess within themselves the ability to care or love as deeply. They hate that, and anyone who reminds them of it.

This is not a pity party or woe-is-me tale, it is rather a story of victory and rebuilding, of overcoming great distress and difficulty. And it is a story of redemption and being rewarded by God’s Grace, and Karma.

It’s been hard though, and it’s been heartbreaking, and I never thought that I would have to go through something like that. I never thought that I have no immediate family or that I would be so distant from them. The happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life was when they were all coming to my house, and I was cooking dinner for all of them and it was wonderful. I still see pictures of those times and feel it in my stomach because I know that time will never be again. I know it was such a special time – in a different life because it just seems so distant and so different from the world that I live in and the reality that I have now.

I never used to understand the psalm 23: “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”. I never understood how the rod and the staff could comfort anyone because they seem to be weapons. Now I understand that the rod and the staff protected me. Because they are strong, because they don’t break, because they rule with compassion. And if God’s rod and staff weren’t going to break, then neither was I.

Sometimes I still struggle, as it has only been a little of two years. I’ve worked hard not end up bitter, like them. And I’ve completely redefined my definition of family. Now I understand that boundaries must be placed, or your family will destroy you from the inside out. And that’s really sad.

My new definition of family is the people you love and love you the best. I filled my world with amazing people and I’m not alone anymore.

I and I am thriving. And as I thrive, the rest of the Palms makes sense as well. Because He has restored my soul and led me rest by peaceful waters, after leading me through the hardest times of my life. And now, he gives me my dreams, makes them come true, as my enemies look on, reading this blog. My cup is running over with good fortune that He has given me. And Because I have done good and right by Him, he is rewarding me with the kind of happiness and joy that only he can give.

So basically, all those haters can suck it.

Life is short. Do good. Forget the rest. And celebrate hard when your compassionate heart is rewarded by the King Himself. And may the psalm be with you.

Anticipation

Anticipation is defined as excitement, waiting eagerly for something you know is going to happen. And oooooh, this is where I am in life. There are several trips that are in the process of being planned.

The first up is a to Belize, which I have wanted to do for several years.  Originally I wanted to take my Dad on the trip, one last time for him to see the ocean, but his health prevented it. Now, since it’s just me, I am going to enjoy. Visiting friends, playing in the water, the beach and the waves, and maybe even getting a bit less pale. Having a few frozen drinks, listening to music, even seeing family while there.

You have to do things that awaken you, that make you smile, that make you excited, that make you anticipate Life. It could be a trip, a project, an adventure of some sort, or maybe even a persona challenge, but find that anticipation.

And it is not just the event or trip, the excitement is in the journey of the preparation too.  Planning who is going with me, all the clothes to take, all the things to do, books to read…and all the sunscreen to take (many bottles). All the laughter and memories to be made. Even getting all the laundry done and the pet sitter scheduled is part of it and fun.

And that is the thing about life, you have to take a break and do what excites you. But some choose not to be enchanted, and they want to stay in their misery instead. Why?  I don’t know. I’ve been depressed in life, after the loss of family and it is horrible. So why anyone would choose to stay in that place is truly beyond my understanding.  The good thing is that you don’t have to worry about them. Because they will suck the life out of any room that they are in. So go forward without them. When and if they get tired of being miserable, they will catch up.  If not, oh well.

Take the trip, buy the lipstick, wear the shoes, kiss the guy, take the chances.  You only get this one life. And it is short. So we might as well enjoy it, and milk it for every beautiful, wonderful, exciting moment possible. Always be curious. And always anticipate joy, love, and happiness.

The Great Purge of 2019

Everyone at some point in their lives, if not several times in their lives, will feel the need to purge our lives. The desire to simplify, to lighten, to de-clutter can be overwhelming. What what precipitates such a desire?  It can be any number of things; such as a tumultuous time in life, or a session with a life coach, or maybe an impending move, it could be anything really.  For me it is a combination of several things.  After a difficult time, where I had to keep many things for many people, and keep records for just in case, I am now ready to purge what is not needed.

It is also letting go of my old life. It is letting go of everything that came before. And you can let go while still honoring the past. But you cannot build a future of you are still holding onto that “has happened.” And sometime you need to clean out the old to make room for the new.

I am ready for the new, ready to shed ALL OF IT. And so starts the Great Purge of 2019. I started with the clothes, and have bagged over 15 bags to be taken to the trash or Goodwill.  And the result is surprisingly cathartic.  I already feel so much lighter and more is coming. I contacted a charity to get the furniture that needs to go away.  And I am going through paperwork and old records that no longer need to be kept.  And last will be all the extra “stuff.”

It is time to clean out all the debris, all the old, all of the baggage, all of the irrelevant minutia that can bog down the mind and spirit. It is more than cleaning out, more that getting rid of clutter, it is the purging of all that I will not be taking with me in this move. It is exciting and wonderful, preparing for this new time.

Life is short. Clean it out sometimes. Take the old, dust it off, enjoy them memories and let go of the bad. Because in letting go we make room for all of the wonderful that is to come. And the wonderful is coming…a lot of it is already here.

When you have been shattered, the new you can emerge.

The Last Night

It was the last night at the compound, after two of the most difficult weeks. The contractor refusing to finish the job, having to get more contractors in to finish everything, lots of family drama, lots of loose ends to get tied up, lots of rain making things hard, not much sleep and a lot of stress.  And then…suddenly, it was the night before closing, and all through the house, I was the only mouse stirring.

It was surreal as I gently packed up the last of what I would take and arranged everything to look good for the new family that would move in in less than 24 hours. I cried, as I thought of all the wonderful memories of the good times here, while we were all still a family. FAMILY. A sacred word in that space, in that house in that time.

But it was time to let it all go.  Life then is not the same life it is now.  So many are gone and not coming back. It was time to pass the torch to another family, to make wonderful memories in that beautiful place. Other laughter, other good times, other gifts given to others from others. Yes, it was time to let go.

And on that last night, there was closure of the circle. And I slept sound, comfortable in the knowledge that all was as it should be.  That the saga was over, and life is budding with new opportunities.

And in that last night, I said goodbye. And is saying goodbye, I found Peace.  And isn’t that just how life is?  Sometimes, even when it is difficult, when it is time to let go, there is a peace at the end of it. And after all, that which gives you peace will lead to happiness. And so it goes…

Family Christmas

The holidays are all about family. I tried to outrun that last year, to no avail.  But this year it is my decision to embrace it fully.  This will be the best year of my family – the family I have chosen.  My friends are my family of choice and as such they are the cream of the crop.

There will be dinners and gatherings, wine and laughter.  There will be sharing and loving and toasts and meals and good food and conversations.  The Christmas tree is only half decorated, to make sure that ornaments are hung with those who mean the most. Company is coming and I am excited. And this Christmas will be the first of many happy ones.

There will be no more grief. Because the fact is, even though there has been so much loss, I am not alone. I am surrounded by everything and everyone that I want. The foundation on which my life is built is fertile ground. And it is within my reach to have the life of my dreams, full of love, happiness fulfillment.

Life is short. And it’s what we make it.  We can decide to drown in all the negative that happens, or we can rise above and soar. I will always soar. The view is so much better from up high.

The Happy Christmas Tree

There are times in life when we look up and realize that things have all worked out, that we are good, that life is good.  This realization can happen in the grocery store, at home, at work, in the car, or just about anywhere. And many times it is not one huge moment either. Many times it is a quiet moment, a small stitch in time, when it happens. And when it does, you the reaction isn’t always big, but many times small as well.  Subtle, maybe even unnoticeable to those who are not observant.  But you smile and feel warm all over.

It is the holiday season, one of the hardest seasons of the year for many people. Those who are alone, who have lost loved ones or who are away from home. Last Christmas was terrible difficult for me. And throughout the year, there have been some very hard moments.  There has been some very deep healing. And many times, you do not even realize that the healing is happening, because you are simply going through your day and your life, getting things done.

Last night I was putting up the Christmas tree. I decided that this year, Christmas was going to be celebrated. The tree, the ornaments, the decorations, the lights, they were all going up.  This year, life and all it’s trappings will be celebrated. And I put the lights on the tree, quietly humming and smiling. And then it was all the ornaments, placed carefully, finding the perfect place for each of them.

And there in my living room, I had a wonderful, small, quiet moment. I looked up from the tree and felt a warmth in my heart. There I was in my little house, decorating the tree, celebrating the holidays and my little life. And it occurred to me that I am happy.  Blissfully happy.  In this moment,  everything for which I have prayed: A life full of love, wonderful friends, a great job, a wonderful career, I am no longer alone and everything is falling into place.

And maybe that is how it is in life…slowly, surely, as we are busy taking all of those baby steps, we travel thousands of miles to where we are happy. And so seamless is the transition, we don’t even feel it until we are fully in its embrace.

Then when we get to that happy place, we get to decorate our life however we want.  Because we feel joy borne from tragedy. And that kind of joy bubbling up from the deepest places is so true, so distinct, so strong, that it can make any life beautiful.

And so it goes.

 

 

Hi Guys

Hi Guys,

Mom and Dad, I love and miss you so much, more than words can say.

I have been doing everything to take care of the estate.  We had buyers for the compound then two weeks before closing hurricane Michael cam e through.  It didn’t destroy the place (thanks to your incredible design and insistence that it be build beyond code Dad), but it did sustain damage.  Contractors are working on it. I have no idea what I am doing, but think I have navigated it pretty well.  I hope you are proud, and I hope I have done things up to your incredible standards. Thank you for teaching me such integrity.

When I go there now, I see glimpses of you and Dad, but I don’t feel you there anymore. I think you guys are off dancing somewhere else in the universe, happy to be together. And I think you come back to visit when I am there, but you do not stay. After all, there must be so much to do in the afterlife. And I am sure that you are the social butterfly you always were, Mom, Making friends and laughing where ever you go  And Dad, I know you are just happy to be with her, warmed by the light of her. So many people have and are helping me because of how much they loved you guys.

In a way I wonder if the hurricane was when you guys decided to leave the compound, use it as your exit. Mom, the gardens you made were destroyed, but most of the fruit trees made it. I guess in a way this makes it (emotionally) easier to sell, which is a blessing in it’s own way.

The family is a mess, if you can say it even exists at all.  I have tried to put the siblings back together, but some things cannot be unbroken. And so I accept that I am alone.  The cousins have been wonderful though, even though I have not had time to talk to them much.  But they are very loving and kind.  They are my last connection to you Dad and I want to keep those relationships going.  I plan to see them all this coming year.

Mom, I cannot believe it has been almost 2.5 years since you passed away. I don;t know how I have done all of this without you.  Accept I know you and God have been guiding me. I feel you so close sometimes, that I almost feel like I could reach out and touch you.  But I can’t. I wish you would visit me more in my dreams. And I love when you and Dad give me signs, like the rainbow yesterday.

As hard as it will be to finally sell the compound, I am looking forward to the closure.  You guys know how hard this has all been and how long it has taken to handle everything.  It is time for that closure and for me to live my life, finally free. I am planning where to go and what to do after it all settles down.  I am thinking of what I want life to be for me. I am not sure what it all looks like yet, but there is time.

The holidays (I think) will be easier this year than last.  Last year was rough. But that first year always is. I am ready for it now. And I am taking a friends advice…I am not making it about family, but about love and friendships and laughter and making good memories. I will be with friends who, I am learning, are our family of choice. I wonder if you ever spent a Christmas alone like I did last year, Mom. And I wonder was it hard for your too?  But this year is different.

I used to hate the idea of time passing without you guys. I still hate it, but I cannot change it, so instead I am learning to embrace it more.  I look forward to not being able to say “My Dad died last year.” Because it means that I am moving forward like I know you would want me to. Like I know that I have to. I know that the best way to honor you, and to honor God, is to find all the Joy that life can hold.  And I will.  I will make this life spectacular. All the while, never forgetting that it is your blood that flows through my veins, my beautiful, beautiful parents.

I am going to decorate for Christmas like crazy this year. Two Christmas trees and ALL of the decorations. I will sit and be warm in the glow of everything Christmas and feel close to you both. I will not only embrace the holidays, I will choose to flourish and be  love. And if I don’t have family around, then I will make my own world with all of my friends I love and who love me the most. Life can never be the same, but I can choose to make a life where I am happy and loved.  If we write our own lives, then I can do that. If I don’t feel like I fit in or belong, then I will create my own world where I do.

I still listen to your voicemails, and they make me smile. I never want to forget the sound of your voices. Please keep watching over me and guiding me. And I hope that I make you proud. I have tried very hard to have Grace, but still be tough when needed. It can be a hard balance sometimes. Somehow both of you mastered it, and I hope to one day as well.

I hope you guys are happy where ever you are. And I often wonder, when I look at the moon, if you see it too from your view? Or are you magnificent stars, seeing the moon for yourself? Do you get to see the world, like you always wanted, traveling a new wavelength we cannot yet understand here on Earth? If so, I bet it is spectacular. Or, are you angels, helping just like you did here, just in a different way?

Know that I love you so very much, more than words can say. I honestly don;t know if I love you or miss you more? I carry you with me always. ee cummings said it best. Love you guys, always.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

 

 

What Are You Hungry For?

We all have those moments that give us pause. And sometimes they can come from the strangest places. Like last night. It is a tag line I heard while the TV was on in the background. It was an interview with Deepak Chopra’s new book, What are You Hungry For? And suddenly my ears perked up and time stopped for a moment.  In this time of transition, it is a timely question. And it made me think…

What am I hungry for? In short, on word cam e to mind: Life. I am hungry for life. But on my terms, which, let’s face it, doesn’t always happen. So how do we navigate this game called life when the terms are not always our own?  Well,I don;t know what works for everyone, but for me it is prayer.  Because I a not the most patient person, I am not the most gracious, or graceful.

So I have to pray for those things. Because I want what I want and I want it now.  And I am constantly playing chess so to speak. Meaning that I am always planning 2-3 (or more) moves ahead. I am constantly working and planning and adjusting.  While it may seem like I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person, and in many ways I am, the risks I take have been calculated. The spontaneous plans are because I have done the leg work already,  and the odds are in my favor – even if no one sees it but me. Because I have been planning all along.

But that takes work. And a lot of prayer and faith. But Ia m hungry, for all that this life has to offer.  I am hungry for these pans I have to work out, for the adventures the experiences, the thrills and the chills. I am hungry for it all. After the last few years I feel a if I have been starving, and I can smell a five start seven course meal.

But hungry for more than that, I am hungry for warmth, and love and friendship and laughter, and trust and loyalty and deep embraces and stability. I am hungry for food for the soul and healing.  I am hungry for all that my family of choice have to offer and what I can share with them as well  I am ready to get on with it.

Everything I want, everything for which I have prayed, is within reach.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I jut have to make it to the finish line. And I pray that it all works out, because in the end it always does. And when it does not work out on your terms so to speak, then just adapt. Make it your terms and work with what you have, Because the Universe loves a stubborn heart.

Life is short. Feast on what you are hungry for. Feast on what will feed your soul and heart.

Fresh Starts

A fresh start, a clean slate, a new beginning. We are all in need of them at some point in our lives. And why not?  They say every day is the start of a new day with endless possibilities. At least that is what I was taught.  It is never too late for a new beginning, or to change direction or to change your mind. And if you find that you were wrong?  Just start again.  There are an unlimited number of starts in life.

And that is a good thing. How many times have we ourselves, or someone we know, changed their career, living space, or life, because they wanted to start over again?  But why would someone want to do that?  Isn’t rebuilding or re-establishing hard?

Yes it is, or it can be. But that doesn’t mean that it is impossible. And I think most people want a new beginning because they look at where they are and they are not happy. It is a feeling of “DIS” – displeasure, disengagement, disinterest, disappointment, disillusionment; a general feeling of disenchantment. And so they decide to walk away from the past and go straight for the future, because where they are doesn’t seem to have a future.

How does one go about that fresh start?  I truly don’t know. Many times it starts with a new location.  Indeed it is easier to start new, when in a new place. Whether it is moving where you have never lived, or going back home, a change of location has a psychological effect when it comes to starting over. There is something cathartic about unpacking in a new place, a new space, where there is no history, no memories and that blank canvass is entirely what you choose to make of it.

And if there is a new location, there is usually a new way of earning money, whether that is a new job or even a new career. This can be scary and exciting at the same time. Because we all have to live, we all need to have electricity, and food, and shelter. So figuring this one out is important. But if all those other people can do it, so can we.

And what of love? Whether running to or from, or neither, a fresh start can be good. A new beginning can refocus our time and energy, give us a chance to heal and develop past the past hurts. Many times we end up finding our hearts, whether through deep friendships that develop, romance, or simply by falling in love with our own lives. We can learn to love whole and fully in the new.

Most of all, a fresh start gives us hope.  Whatever it is that we seek, is seeking us too. And the universe loves a person too stubborn to give up on their dreams. So go forth and seek.  Don’t be afraid to start over. Because everything we want is on the other side of fear.

And so I pray, and I seek, and I hope, and I have faith. And I throw my entire heart into this, into my next chapter. With every breath and every heartbeat, I move forward. Oh, it is terrifying isn’t it?  But you know what is just as verifying? Staying in the same place and never trying. So here I go.

Life is short, so join me, won’t you?  And maybe together, all of us who are starting again, can watch out for each other, and cheer each other on, one step at a time.

 

Thirst

There is a feeling that we all get from time to time.  It starts out small, from deep within.  Then it grows and grows until it is satiated. It is thirst. Thirst for life, for adventure, for love, a sense of knowing and feeling that were are alive. A sense of knowing that we are fully experiencing life. It is breaking out of the lonely  or isolation and turning to your dreams, with your feet still on the ground. It is thirst for knowledge as well.

There is a wanderlust to see new places, experience new things, make new memories. Fresh air from fresh perspectives.  Why do we go through phases of thirst?  Maybe after a long, hard time, we need to break out.  Maybe after feeling responsible for too much for too long. Or maybe just a simple need to feed curiosity and to learn new things. A thirst to mix in a bit of adventure into the every day. Take pictures of the strange pleases visited and have stories to tell around the hearth of a happy home.

I have always said that we must always be curious about life and the world around us. And that curiosity has created a deep thirst inside of me. I want to go and see and do and be.  I want to break out of all that has passed and celebrate life at full force.  Tired of waiting, patience has not always been my strong point, especially when I know what I want.

And that is perhaps one of the most difficult things for me, at this moment. To be ready and thirsty, but have to wait. Even just a little while longer. Trips are being planned, adventures to enjoy that will mark the start of a new phase of this life. Leaving all the old, tattered and torn behind, to step into and embrace what moving forward is all about.

But that does not always mean you must go far and away. And so closer to home there is learning the Tango, and going to new places to eat when meeting old friends. It is something to celebrate because the thirst also marks something else – the return of my curiosity, and the energy to follow it. The adrenaline junkie within me, sitting on my shoulder now, whispering in my ear.

But it is a thirst for more than adventure and excitement.  It is a thirst for a fulfilling life. It is a thirst to do better and be better in every way.  To work hard, play hard, and rest heard. To laugh as much as possible because there have been more tears shed than are even in the ocean. It is the thirst for balance. It is the search for deep love, acceptance, friendships, understanding, compassion and empathy. It is the thirst for the beauty and humanity in life. It is the thirst for enjoying the perfect small moments as well as having your breath taken away by what you never thought existed.

So here I am and here I go, drinking in every delicious moment of life, down to the last drop. The Fall air will (eventually) bring cooler temperatures, perfect for talking on outside patios and decks. My home finally settled, life is getting good. Thirsty for more, looking forward to a big tall glass, maybe even a pitcher, of all the future holds.

Life is short. Stay thirsty my friends.

Chunks

It seems, and I have read in several places, that one of the keys to knocking things off the To Do list is to divide everything up in chunks.  This makes sense but can be very hard for someone who likes to tackle things all at once, like me.

It has even been suggested that you can divide your day into 30 minute chunks.  That way, even if you only have 30 minutes in between tasks or meetings, you can still chip away at the things you need to do.

Think about how much we could accomplish if we folded clothes for 30 minutes before leaving for dinner, or worked out for 30 minutes , or the thousand things that we need to do, for just 30 minutes each day. Or even if we took care of ourselves and meditated or sat quietly for 30 minutes.

This may also be the key to not getting overwhelmed by that To Do list.  Because, let’s face it, sometimes that list can seem like the Giant in Jack and the Beanstalk.  For instance, I have many articles to write, need to do laundry, and the dust bunnies are waging war with the fur balls under the bed. Dusting needs to be done, mopping, organizing my closet (cleaning it out), and let’s not forget the exercise thing.

It is easy to procrastinate a lot if we don’t have an entire day to work on those major projects, like the closet, or the garage. But if we slowly chip away chunks of those tasks, in baby steps, maybe we can get them done after all.

And is’t it the same with life?  When we are trying to make major changes and shifts in our life, it requires a lot of time and work. And we may get discouraged or may not start, or feel that we are stuck – because we don’t have the large amount of time required to do it all in once, graceful swoop. But when is life ever graceful?

Change is uncomfortable and working to make change is arduous, but worth it. That is why we have to stick with it to be successful, not matter of it is mopping the floor, or changing your life situation. An honestly, what can we not endure for 30 minutes?  No matter how much you dislike something, you can make yourself do 30 minutes of it – exercise, yard work, dealing with a difficult person.  I can even tread water for 30 minutes if I have to.

And maybe if we go in 30 minute baby step chunks, we can get there faster than we think. The great thing about life is that it is never too late to start. So join me won’t you?

Life short. So are 30 minutes intervals. Make them add up to something spectacular.

Ordinary Moments make an Extraordinary Life

It seems that life is full of what would be called ordinary moments. Those moments of living, working, eating, cleaning, and doing stuff. These are the moments that comprise our days and nights, were many of our heartbeats fall. And it seems that life has become a nice run of the every day.

I have been embroiled in working, breathing, resting, writing late into the night, thinking and living.  I am looking forward to fall and the cooler weather, but for the next week at least, it is hot temperatures in the 90s, and not much rain despite the hurricane hitting the east coast.

It seems this year has been in a holding pattern, taking care of the last of the estate, selling the compound, taking care of all of it. Hopefully all of that will be coming to an end soon, and freedom won;t be too far away.

The secret is to enjoy those ordinary moments. And I am doing my best to enjoy everything about life right now.  That delicious cup of coffee, my favorite song on the radio, all the freelance and contract writing I am doing.  Talking and planning with friends. laughing, loving and even sharing in the bad news.

Somehow, I need to find the discipline to get to bed and get up earlier, workout, read more and clean a bit more. But that can start next week, and this one i s almost over. But in between all of that, when it is quiet and low, and I am snuggled in my house, with the warm blanket, cats and TV remote, there must be joy.  We must find joy in the ordinary, that is the only way to become, rebuild, re-establish life and desolation or hardship.

Because if we can find enjoyment in the simple and plain, then life will never cease to amaze us, we will never cease to be entertained and will will not ever be bored.  Because we define the sizer and depth of our lives, so why not find exquisite joy in the every day? Those big moments don’t happen often, but the small ones do. So fill like up, fill up your soul, your smile, your heart, with what is already there in front of us?  Time will pass anyway, weather we are enjoying ourselves or not, so we night as well.

And now, to cozy down, my  freshly showered body and clean sheets. I say my prayers, make my wishes and ask for my hearts desire. All my prayers have been answered, so far. Patience will bring the rest (I hope). And I will make this promise to myself, that each day I will be disciplined in the practice of joy (and exercise, and rest…and food), so that each day may be better than the last.

Life is short. Make it spectacular.

This Day

This day, September 11th, will always be remembered by those who were old enough to experience it. At the risk of sounding old, the younger generation has no idea what it is like to see, either in person or on the news, an area that vast, where rescuers are still looking for remains even a year later. They have no idea what it is like to know people who were or should have been in those buildings, wondering if they are alive, or if they were one of the many who jumped or were buried alive.

They have no idea what it was like to go and see Ground Zero, before it was built back up, before there were monuments and new buildings, when it was just a huge hole, larger than you could ever imagine, and know that so many people were now part of the dust.

To me this day is a somber one, but one we should never forget because there are so many lessons that were learned.  It was the day our innocence was lost as a country, I think.

But for me it is also a day to be thankful.  thankful that I live in this wonderful country. No matter how many problems we seem to have, at least we are free.  And I am thankful for that freedom.  That were are still Americans and not subject to Sharia Law. That as a woman, I am still allowed every right I had before that date so many years ago.

I am thankful for my job and amazing career, for my friends, and that we are all OK. That we work hard and have a roof over our heads, food, running water, electricity, a comfortable bed where we sleep and do not hear the sounds of guns shots and war, as many in other countries do.

For me this is a day to be thankful and realize how lucky I am, how lucky we are, as a nation. And I thank God.

And every day, I should do my bet to be my best, because by miracle and luck, I am in this country, the greatest country in the world.  And I should not take anything for granted. Life is delicate and fragile.  And today is not a dress rehearsal.

Life is short. Make it good. Make it memorable. Make it worth it.

Collateral Faith

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

Many times in life we have to take a leap of faith to reach our goals.  We must work hard, take risks, create true priorities and stick with them.  And we must do one more thing…  we must have Collateral faith.  A deep unexplainable belief that it will all work out, some how, some way.   We must believe in every day miracles. We must believe in Grace.

To me the word collateral means the entire field, so to pair it with Faith means that we must have faith on all levels, even when our knees are shaking and our voice is trembling.  It is when we are the most unsure that our faith in the world around us must be the most steadfast.  Because faith will get you through many dark hours.

But that is hard. But the alternative is not acceptable. We have all met the alternative – those people who are forever negative. They expect things to go wrong. Where they place their faith, their thoughts, their hopes, is where their life lands. So if that is the case, which we have seen over and over, then why not put all your faith and belief in the fact that it will all work out?  Why not believe that the odds are ever in our favor? Even if there are bumps and hard times along the way, you will always be safe in the knowledge that eventually, it will be OK.

The alternative is to be so negative and riddled with fear, that we become our own self fulling prophecy. All decisions we make come down to love and faith, or fear.  And fear is no way to live. Fear paralyzes us, steals joy and sucks the life right out of us.

There are several pivotal events in my life right now. I have worked very hard to make these possibilities come to fruition, and much hard work is still ahead. I have calculated the risks, and some are very high.  But I must believe, collaterally, that it will all work out. I pray that the timing, which is so very important, happens smoothly.  Because sometimes there is nothing else you can do, but have that faith.  After all the work, all the sweat, and blood, and tears, and late nights, and negotiations, and thoughts…all that you can control, is your faith.

It is exciting and terrifying at the same time.  But that is just how life is isn’t it? And so it goes, in this crazy, wonderful, amazing, journey. Life is short. Make it spectacular.

Stop Chasing What no Longer Serves You

Stop chasing what no longer serves you. We see this messages in all of it’s various forms all over the place.  Social media, books, billboards, cards, the message is loud and clear if we can truly receive, comprehend and apply it. and it applies to a job, marriage, relationship, family, hobbies, and anything else that may no longer serve us.  But what exactly does it mean and how do we go about doing it?

To me, not chasing after what doesn’t serve us, means that first we have to recognize that what it is, is no longer beneficial to us. Does that sound selfish or superficial?  It shouldn’t. If you no longer enjoy your job, if it causes you more stress that the pay is worth, if it is interfering with your health, then that job is no longer serving you.  If you are in a relationship that no longer makes you happy, that hurts you, that makes you feel bad, then it no longer serves you. The same is true with family even.

And that is not superficial or selfish.  it is part of taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and mentally.  It is also part of growing up and maturing.  recognize when it is time to move on.  It doesn’t mean that the person, situation, job, etc. are bad, they are just no longer good for you., and if you continue to chase them you will only harm yourself.

I recently had to come to that conclusion.  There is something I have always placed on my goal board, something that I used to hold very dear. But I had to realize that chasing it is no longer a good thing, as it is no longer a source of happiness or joy. It no longer serves me, and is actually harmful. It was a hard conclusion to reach, because it means letting go.

But when we let go, there is relief. Because we no longer have to be hurt, or disappointed or damaged. We can leave, wishing the person or situation well, and go about our lives.  We can find other things, people, jobs, relationships, or situations that make our lives fulfilling and good.  Already, even as it is bittersweet to let go, I feel better never having to try to make that situation good for me again.  There is a peace in acceptance.

So stop chasing. Stop trying to force those things that are no longer mutually beneficial. Life is too short.  Make it good.

Live in the Questions

In life, we are driven not only to asks questions, but to find the answers. But what if that is not the best way?  What if we have it wrong, forever searching for the answers to the questions we ask?

In a world of social media, Snapchat filters and who ever is perfect is the best, can we afford to not know? In a world of Google and the fastest with the answer wins, can it be that being patient with ourselves could be the secret? I think so.

Maybe the key to is to be patient with ourselves. Maybe we don’t have to know all the answers all of the time. What if we give ourselves permission to not know what we are doing, where we are going, or with whom?  Because let’s face it. No one knows all of the answers all of time. And even the people who seem to have it the most together, often times do not when the doors are closed and the blinds are drawn.

We have often heard that if we cannot change the circumstance, we can change our attitude about it. So, what if we savor the questions as part of the journey instead of tearing the world upside down looking for the answers?  No doubt, it is uncomfortable to not know the answers, but we were never promised to always be comfortable in life. We are not owed anything, much less always being comfortable. And discomfort, being out of our comfort zone, is often where the most growth happens.

What if we did view the questions as books, a great novel for us to read, that ultimately adds to our own life? It is often said that we find what we want when we stop searching.

My great search as of late, has been how to pick up and rebuild my life after this huge title wave took my family and left me with an unfamiliar landscape.  To say finding the answers has been brutal is an understatement.  And I still do not know exactly what the answers are. But maybe we are not supposed to know.  Maybe it is just in living my life every day, loving as much as I can, having faith and believing with all of my heart.  Maybe it is getting out of bed every day, and no matter how bad or depressed you feel, knowing deep down that you are stronger than all of it, and that you will rise.

Maybe it is simply allowing ourselves the comfort of the discomfort in not knowing. It’s OK, to be confused, or bored, or restless, or whatever. There is nothing so urgent that we have to know right now, or even tomorrow, or even next week or month.

So let’s leave the answers to the experts and just enjoy life.  Let Google sleep. Instead, let’s try to be the best that we can be, and strive to be better every day.  Think of how much energy we will save and laughter we will have when the great search is off of our shoulders.  Let’s always be curious about life, but not forget that what we seek is also seeking us. And let the answers come to us, as we are busy living, loving, being and growing, creating the wonderful, complex, amazing, tragic, spectacular life that we are destined to live.

 

In the Quiet

When someone thinks of a quiet life, they usually think of a life that is small, uneventful, even boring.  But that is not the case.  Many times a quiet life is a full life, full of many wonderful moments, times, friends and accomplishments.

Many of the best moments in life are quiet, and definitely some of the biggest moments as well. Think about it – A marriage proposal use isn’t big and loud, it’s a quiet moment between two people.  A promotion is often quiet notification after a lot of hard work.  Even when someone dies, if they are lucky, that person simply, quietly, slips from tihs life into the Hands of God.

The same thing the next chapter in my life. The chapter is not being closed with the big bang, but by quietly signing papers. There will be a flurry of activity before then, and there will be a wonderful celebration after, to make the quiet start of the next. But in between, life will be made of a thousand small, quiet, wonderful moments.

And all the adventure life holds, can also be traced to the quiet.  Adventure, love, new things, ideas, friendships, and solutions, are all started in quiet times, when our minds have time to wonder and think. Our transformations and challenges. Our answers and prayers are found in the quiet as well.  Where we can hear our heart beating.

And maybe the secret to living out loud, are all the quiet moments that fill us up and make our lives complete.  Indeed, there is a time to be loud, but most of our lives are not lived in the big and loud.  Our lives are built on the silent smiles, the looks, the planning, the writing, the working, the holding of hands, the start gazing, the reading, the researching, the risk taking, the breath before the kiss,, the second before that loud happening.  yes, that is where life is built – solid, fun, true, rich and deep. Life is build in the quiet.

Life is short. Make it good, no, make it spectacular.

 

Striving for Fall

As the holiday weekend approaches, it is the official end of summer.  Yes, in the south there will still be days of 90 or higher, but already the temperatures are cooler at night. The first day of fall is still some time away, but you can feel the shift in the air and in the attitudes of people.  Summer is carefree, vacations, day drinking, out on the lake, lazy weekends.  But fall is one of my favorite times of the year.

For me summer has always been a busy time, but in fall I can enjoy my days more.  Windows are open so a  fresh breeze can flow through the house, but this time with no danger of pollen. Temperatures of more enjoyable as the heat of summer subsides, making outside patios more inviting.  the humidity lowers a bit, and even on the cool evenings it is easier to spend time on the deck with friends, sipping wine or hot tea.

The weekend is the last blowout of summer.  It also brings with it my father’s birthday – he would have been 82. And so a quiet toast to the man who was my first love, the man who taught me how a woman should be treated, the man who made my mother so undeniably happy.

This weekend also brings the welcome of the next season for me.  I have worked hard to get everything lined up, and with a lot of prayer, sweat equity and faith, it is all coming to fruition.  All I have to do is stay the course.

But what do we do when life is falling into place?  That may seem like a strange question, but it makes sense.  We strive, because we must always work hard to be better and to be curious of the world around us. When we stop learning and growing then we become stagnant.

Sometimes that means fine tuning our daily habits.  Because ultimately our daily habits define who we are and what we are to become. For me, this means, as much as I hate to admit it, I need some routine in my life.  I am working on getting to bed earlier, to get up earlier, work out, drink more water, read more, depend on technology less. Which means I need discipline to reduce the bad habits.

By reducing our bad habits, we open the door for more positivity to come into our lives. And who can’t use more of that? Oh, but it is hard.  Because we certainly do enjoy those bad habits or at least I do.  But maybe if we can reduce the frequency of the bad habits, then they can instead become guilty pleasures, to be indulged less often, but enjoyed much more. And maybe that is one of the secrets to life.

So this Fall I strive. And hopefully striving will continue to thriving. And the warmth of all of it, of a happy life and a happy heart, will keep me cozy during winter’s cold.  After all, there is nothing like a fire in the soul to heat the heart and the home. So strive.

Life is short.  Make it good.

 

Motivation’s Ghost

Motivation can be hard.  And there are a thousand, maybe eve a a million reason to procrastinate being motivated.  And it could be about anything – to exercise, to do work, to clean the house, organize, get a new job, or anything else that maybe we don;t want to do.  What I have found is that motivation, or lack there of, and procrastination go hand in hand.

Why is it so hard to get motivated to stop procrastinating, get off the couch and get busy doing the things we need to do?  I am not truly sure, but it is probably a combination of things depending on the person and situation. It is something I struggle with though, and many others do as well.

I usually procrastinate for several reasons – If I dread or do not enjoy the task.  If I am afraid it will take a lot of time.  If I am not sure if I can do it well.  And usually once I get started it isn’t all that difficult. It can also be hard to stay motivated when you are alone.  When you have others in the house with you, you can work on the buddy system, so to speak.  If the other person knows you are supposed to be working out every night, or cooking better, or working on whatever goal, they will ask you why you are jut sitting on the couch?  And then you are motivated.

Many times we set out with lofty goals for the day.  For me, I will get up early, do some PiYo, work hard at writing, do the documentation that I need, write blogs, work on the book, work out more at lunch, eat right, clean the house, cook a healthy dinner…and then I get home, get comfortable, and before I know it time slips away and it is 9pm.  Too late to start anything really.

Maybe the trick is time management, and not procrastinating so much.  Because if we did not procrastinate, time management would not be a problem. At least for me. I have read many things about how to  get and stay motivated. The term just Do It isn’t so popular and a part of our culture for nothing.  and that is what we have to do – is just do it.  we have to make ourselves get off the couch, do the work, the cooking, the cleaning, the exercises, the whatever.  that is why it is not easy. If it was easy everyone would be good at it.

It takes strength and perseverance to accomplish motivation.  And sometimes it takes something else.  I am tapping in to two things right now to help me. One is giving myself a deadline. The other is keeping my friend Melissa in mind.  before she passed, she talked about not taking your life or your physical body for granted.  She talked about how she used to resent having to exercise and would make any excuse not to do it.  Then, she got cancer and was too weak to move around by herself.  She said she would never resent having to do anything like that again. She would celebrate being able to exercise to move around on her own every day from that point, but she never got the chance.

So here I am, looking at the treadmill. And running is hard, though it feels good afterward. Obtaining our goals is hard. But something happens when you take the dread, procrastination and resentment out of the picture…you actually get motivated.  You love yourself despite of yourself – even of you don’t like everything about yourself or your life.

So motivation is slowly coming back. I call it Motivation’s Ghost, because he shows up just a little bit at first, here and there.  And then, if we grab on, maybe he will stay a little longer with each visit, until he is a regular.

The Hole Life

These days life is good and complete and wonderful.  This summer is one of re establishing myself, love, passion, fun, and just life in general. And I am thankful for each and every second.  I am ever aware of how delicate this life is, how love connects us all and how the dark and light dance together every day.

This summer is a combination of every thing good.  Lazy days and sleeping late and resting, followed by concerts and explorations.  Going skydiving, taking trips, drinking wine, working out, rehydrating, and building the life I always wanted.  But it is all about balance. Only when we are balanced can we truly enjoy all that life has to offer. And I am thriving.

My mother taught me that life carves out deep spaces within us every time we are hurt.  These deep spaces make us into the amazingly deep works of art that our souls are meant to be.  In that sense we are always evolving. But great depth comes at a great price, so you do have to go through a lot of life to get there.

Because even as wonderful as life is now, the truth is I still have moments of overwhelming grief.  I will hear something or see something that brings it all back. And there I am, tears streaming down my face. Because I miss my parents and my siblings. I miss having a family.  I miss someone caring where I am at midnight, and someone to tell when I have landed safely from a plane. I miss Christmas shopping, and wrapping presents.  I miss the innocence of not knowing grief and death. I miss calling my parents and sharing exciting news. I miss coffee and talks and listening to the crickets or watching storms with them.  I miss the smell of my mother’s Banana nut bread, and I miss my father’s voice. I miss the million little things you do when you have a family that loves you.

And not having a family leaves a huge hole.  Psychology says that you must look within to fill that hole, that you cannot fill it with anything external.  And I agree.  Except with grief, the hole remains, because the loss of your family leaves a huge empty place that can never truly be filled because they can never be replaced.  But this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

What I have found is that if you accept the fact that the hole is there, then you can move past it.  And you can build a beautiful, wonderful life around it.  Because the hole, and missing all of those things, does not mean that you cannot have a complete life. It just means that you recognize and acknowledge that life has changed. It is called acceptance.

I think trouble starts when we try to fill this hole with all that is external instead of accepting it’s existence.  Then it becomes a blackhole, sucking every bit of life out of you and everyone around you.  It is then that people become bitter; angry that they cannot fill the hole no matter what they try.  So stop trying to fill it.  Accept and build around it instead.  I cannot change that I do not have a family, but I can change how how I deal with it.

For me, not only am I building around it, but I am going to make this hole the place from where love comes.  Love comes from God and flows through us. But what if that hole, that big, beautiful hole, that goes down so deep that it makes even the human soul seem shallow, where I miss my loved ones so much, becomes where God’s love flows through me and touches others in my life? What if I turn that hole into that gate, so to speak?  Then it is not just a giant hole, instead it becomes something beautiful and amazing.

And that is the great thing about life – it is your story, and you can change your story at any time. You can write that story if you want. And I am. So it will be the Great Hole of Love (no, scratch that, way too many jokes there). OK, maybe it will just be a new way of life. Because life is what we make it. So make it good.

Going Skydiving

We all have those moments that define us and who we are.  If we are lucky, we have many of those moments in our lives. We also have those things that we have always wanted to do, those things that are on our bucket list.

Next Friday, I mark one of those things off my bucket list.  I am going skydiving, on Friday July 13th.  And I figure it is the perfect day and date for the event. An early morning with a good breakfast, then a shoot two hour drive to Chattanooga.  We will go through training, get suited up and go up in the air.  It is a tandem jump, so I will not have to be the one to jump out of the place – which is good because I would probably freeze on my first jump.  Also, who wants a klutz jumping out of a plane?  Better leave that to the professional…and let me be tied to them.  That way if I do trip and fall, and take them with me, at least they know what to do.

The day is the 2nd anniversary of my Mother’s death.  And instead of moping and being sad, I choose to celebrate her and her adventurous spirit by jumping.  And I have a letter for her, that I will give her on the way down. The first Mother’s day I swam out to the ocean, and the the letter go in a big wave, for the sea to give to her. This year, she will find her letter in the clouds.  And it is a little defiant as well.  She forbid me to skydive while she was alive, so I waited.

And maybe in that adventure is where we will find ourselves. Because maybe we all get a little lost sometimes. And when we are lost we need something to help us remember what matters, what is sacred, what is true. When we are lost, we need to see things from high up, the big picture, to understand how to navigate and how to be unlost. Maybe from high up we can see all of our pieces and know where to go to find them and put ourselves back together.

I am going with this company, Chattanooga Skydiving, Friday July 13th at 11am central time (12 noon ET). If you are reading this come on out and jump with us. The more the merrier. It will be fun, it will be trilling, it will be a moment to remember. A way to celebrate life, love and adventure.

And if skydiving is not your thing, have an adventure somehow.  Do something that scares you, excites you, makes year heart beat faster and makes you remember that you are alive. Have a life that is well lived. Life is what we make it, so make it an adventure, make it good and make it happy, my friends.

Make it Count

Anniversaries often make us contemplate all that has happened in the last year, both the good and bad.  You examine both he good and the bad that has happened.

I was a mess last year at this time. I just lost Dad, so the first anniversary of losing Mom was especially hard. But this year, I am doing rather well. I have settled in quite nicely into the new life, though it was not easy at first. And I have changed quite a bit in two years, changed quite a bit in the last 12 months.  I am not as tolerant as I used to be, but I am more compassionate.  That statement might seem quite contradictory, but it isn’t.  I am not tolerant of people or things that disturb my peace of mind.  But going through the past two years has taught me much about compassion and empathy. The past two years has also taught me a lot about strength. You are often much stronger than you ever thought, and you can handle more than you ever thought you could.

I know that I am much stronger than I thought be or even wanted to be.  I never thought that I could take care of Mom or Dad by myself. never thought that I could make those kinds of decisions myself. But I did. And I honored them. Never thought that could I do what needed to be done.  But God gives you the strength you need.

I have learned that my family is not blood family. My blood family is gone. My family now are my friends. And I can count on those friends no matter what.  They are better than blood because you cannot help who your family is, but you can choose who you your friends. The people in my life are loyal, honest, smart, have loads of common sense and are very low drama.

I have also to be very careful about where you grow your roots – make sure it is good, fertile, solid ground. And if it’s not, move and replant. You are not a tree, you can move if you don’t like where you are.

I have learned that life is so very fragile and short, and so take advantage of every second.I have also learned the value of being still.  I have my roots planted firmly with my friends. And now those roots are growing deep, establishing the foundation of my life. And that takes time.  Beautiful, wonderful, amazing time.

And so I know my wonderful mother would be proud of me.  She knows how hard I have tried, how hard I have worked.  She and God know. And so with her 2nd anniversary approaching, I know that my heart is free as I move forward.

There are still things to handle and accomplishments to make.  I need to be better at housekeeping, and those last 20lbs are still lurking on my hips. I need to organize my closet and clear out the junk drawer.  But life is good.  There are fireflies to watch at night.  There are good friends to talk to. There is wine to drink. There are sunsets and sunrises – and coffee to be able to watch those sunrises. There are soft blankets and good movies. The are comfy couches and kitties that needs pets. And there is much to celebrate this anniversary. Because life is what matters. And we are only given this one, tiny life. Make it count. Make it happy.

Let the Fierce within you sleep

Though she be but little, she is fierce. –  Shakespeare

It has been said by many that you must be fierce in order to survive in this day and age.  Indeed, with internet trolls, bullying, rude people, and those who just don’t care, it’s a tough world out there. And indeed, I have had to be fierce as well.  Especially after the passing of my parents.  Dealing with estate issues, family issues, legal issues and financial issues, I was all issued out.  And I had to be assertive to make sure that everything was done correctly, on time and by the right people.

But being fierce will also wear you out.  Because you must constantly be on the lookout, always aware, always “on.” You cannot be fierce all the time, you must be able to relax and enjoy life too. You must be able to be vulnerable, to laugh and smile and have fun as well. You must be able to have compassion and empathy and kindness and grace. The fact of the matter is that there is a season for everything in life, and fierceness cannot last.

With God, you are stronger than your struggles and more fierce than your fears.

And so it is with me.  This is the season, this summer, of relaxing.  Of having fun. Of enjoying fireflies and putting my bare feet up on the dash board while singing at the top of my lungs. It is planting 130+ day lilies from my mother’s garden.  It is enjoying the smell of the honey suckle and watching the humming birds at the feeder. It is spending time with sick friends, talking softly over fears and memories. It is walking in the woods, being in nature and breathing deeply.  It is live music, and many concerts that I will be attending this summer.

The mountains, the forest, and the sea, render men savage; they develop the fierce, but yet do not destroy the human. – Victor Hugo

When you are strong, you do not need to wear that strength and fierceness on your sleeve, you do not need to advertise it or make sure that others see it.  It is there, when you need it.  And whether or not it is seen is not your concern. Your concern is to be happy, and to love life. You concern is to live the life you intended, the life you will be happy with in your last moments, will as few regrets as possible.  Your concern is to smile at the sun and howl at the moon, to run with the starts and sing with the wind.

I don’t always feel fierce and fearless, but I do feel like I’m a rock star at being human. – Tracee Ellis Ross

And I will let the fierce within me sleep.  I have fought to have everything in order, I have fought to put myself back together, one heartbeat at a time.  I have fought to have only those who deserve to be at my table, and I have fought to drive out those who are not worthy. My soul needs the rest and my mind needs to fun. My lips need to smile and my heart needs to laugh.

And so goes.

The interval between the decay of the old and the formation and establishment of the new constitutes a period of transition which must always necessarily be one of uncertainty, confusion, error, and wild and fierce fanaticism.  – John C. Calhoun

The House of Love

We all have dreams, goals, and work hard to have the life that we want, the life that we envision for ourselves. It has been a challenge for me to figure out what I want my life to be and look like with all the recent changes. But reshaping my life is part of healing and moving forward. 

One thing is for sure, when we decide what it is we want our life to be, and how to serve our purpose, then we must work hard to make it happen. Just like a house takes effort to build, so does our life, one brick at a time. 

And while I may not have all the details worked out yet, I know what I want my life to be: Love. I want a life so full of love that it encompasses everything. I want a life where love is so present that it is tangible. 

And that kind of love can only come from God. He is the source, and I am the vessel. So I must the willing for Him to work through me in order to have that kind of love, to be that kind of love. 

My mother knew this and prayed every day to be what was needed, to be the vessel that God needed her to be. And Dad followed suit. And their love goes on, even now. Over the weekend I was missing them so deeply. I asked them to please send me a sign, something only for me, that I would know. And they delivered, with love.

My mother gave me her sign in one of her usual ways, the sky. On the way back from seeing friends, I looked up and saw a cloud plainly in the shape of an “M.” That was Mom’s signature on many of her notes. So I knew that was from her. And I smiled. Dad’s sign, of course required a little more work.

His sign came as a dream about a boat in a bad storm. My family was trying to save everyone and the boat. My father called me on my cell and told me that the damage was bad, but could be fixed. Knowing the storm was dangerous, I asked where he was so I could help him off the boat. “I’m on the cheek,” Dad replied. I thought for sure he misspoke. “You mean the deck?” “No,” he corrected, “the cheek.”

The dream was very vivid, and I awoke wondering what the cheek of a boat was. Google to the rescue. Usually associated with gaff masts, the cheeks are knee shaped pieces of wood either side of the mast at the hounds which carry the trestle tree and the eyes in the end of the shrouds. They are also used around the keel. In short, they are the support and without them the boat would go off course. I solved Dad’s riddle and figured out his message is that he and Mom would still be my support when needed. What wonderful messages of love. 

And so it goes. If we write our life, then love is the story I want it to be.  I move forward with the intent of love. Love will be my motivation. There will be meditations of love and healing, which must be done to make things within me whole again. There will be prayers for inner peace. 

 I will build this life, step by step, one heartbeat at a time, with love. This beautiful house needs the sounds of friends, family, laughter and love in it. And so I will fill it with these.

I have often said that that which brings you love, will bring you peace. That what brings you Peace will bring you happiness. 

Most think that a life of love is easy, but it’s not. It takes a lot of work to have love, peace and happiness. And by that I mean that you have to set your intentions every day to be your best, to pray and love God, to be willing to be a vessel of His love, even when it’s not easy. You must set the intention every day, and then at some point it becomes a habit, and a habit becomes a way of life. 

You must also work to protect your love and intention in your life. So many times we can get sidetracked by others and their drama or their path when it is not meant for us. It doesn’t make those people bad, we just have to be picky with whom we choose to have at our table. Those who would be destructive or detrimental to our journey must not be allowed to stay. I used to wonder why my mother would not let some people close to us, and now I see that in her wisdom, she recognized those who would disrupt our life. This ability is needed to provide continuity in our lives if we are to keep love and peace at the helm.

And so begins this journey. I am still grieving, still figuring things out, still finding solid ground in which to grow roots. But I think that love is a good foundation. And all love originates from God. And so I pray.  

The Siblings Are Coming

We all have those weekends where we are excited and can’t wait.  This is one of those weekends for me.  The siblings are coming. I have three older siblings that live in other states, and they are coming to visit.  Dad is doing well now, and they want to see him, want to see where he lives and where he will be living. My two older sisters are coming this weekend, and my brother will arrive in a few weeks with his two sons.

Due to age difference and geography, we have not always been close. But there has been constant communication since I have been Dad’s care taker and that has fostered a closer knit existence. No matter who we are, our siblings hold special place in our lives and in our hearts.  And in this time of everything disposable, family relationships are the ties that bind.

It feels good to have a home where they are welcome, where there are spaces for chats.  We are blessed to have the home we have. But a building is not enough, I want a home where you walk in and feel love and warmth.  No doubt there will be much catching up, wine and laughter.  And there is something about actually laying eyes on someone you love to make sure they are OK.

Dad’s eyes light up when he talks about his children coming to see him, getting to spend time with them.  He is tinkled pink about this weekend, and looking forward to seeing his sons in a few weeks as well.

The past 7 months have been extraordinarily difficult. But a new phase is beginning, and with it brings new opportunities for strengthening relationships.  Life is all about love and love is what makes time worth while.

When Superman is Human

I have always said that my Dad is like Superman. He is my hero.  He has always been the strong silent type; a man of few words that came in and did the right thing and lead by example.

When Superman is Human

But then there comes a day when you look and see that Superman is really human, a mortal, and can die.  That he isn’t going to live forever.

And being the caretaker of someone with a terminal illness is not for the faint of heart.  And there are many times where you have to decide to laugh or cry…and most of the time I choose to laugh.  I have long said my life is like a sitcom – or dramedy, depending on which moment you may catch.  These moments are no exception….

Before my father went into the hospital the last time for his ammonia levels being too high, he was very confused and acted like someone who has severe dementia (a symptom of too much ammonia in the body and affecting his brain).  My father gets cold very easy so I bought him some special thermals for Christmas, called base wear, which are for people who go on exhibitions in the tundra.  We were all getting ready to go to brunch one Sunday when he came out ready to go. And he had on these very tight fitting base wear thermals. After getting over the initial shock and panic, I remember thinking that all he needed was a cape and a giant “G” on his shirt (G for Geriatric-Man).  Never one to miss a detail, he even found a place for his wallet in his tight new outfit.  He had figured out that the thermal bottoms were tight enough that he could place his wallet inside the “pants” midway between his knee and hip. After gently explaining that his thermal underwear was called such because they were not appropriate for outerwear, he reluctantly changed into real clothes.

Another time was after he had been admitted to the hospital. When the patient is in a confused state as was he, they ask if a family member can stay with them at all times in the room to make sure that they are OK in between nurse visits.  The only time my father is more miserable than in the dentist’s chair is in the hospital.  And he did not really understand why he was in there in the first place, but he knew he was going to get out. At least get out of the bed anyway. Several times during the first few days and nights I caught him in various positions and steps of “escape.” One time in particular I woke up to see him, lying on his side, pulled up hanging onto the side bar of the hospital bed, with his leg going over the bar.  I caught him juuuuuust as that leg was being flung over.  The look on his face was one of serious concentration.  He knew what he had to do, and being a detailed professional electrical engineer, no doubt he had thought about it and planned it all out.

“Dad!  What are you doing?!”

You could see his expression change from concentration to “Crap, foiled again.”  He let out a sigh and the leg went back on the proper side of the bar as he stated to settle back down.

The image of that moment will live with me forever.  And had I had a camera. I would have snapped his picture and captioned it “The Escape.”  Both moments reminded me of Cloris Leachman’s character on Raising Hope.  She plays the adorable, but slightly deranged and kooky, grandmother.  Sometimes she comes out with her bra over her clothes, sometimes she tried to eat mashed potatoes through a straw.

What I have learned in the 7 months of being a care taker, is that you have to have a sense of humor. You have to be willing to take a step back and laugh when the smoke clears.  Because some of these moments are brilliantly comedic, once you get over them. And if you don’t laugh, you will go crazy. So take a breath, then take a step back and have a giggle.

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Editor’s Note:  I don’t talk about this often (publicly), but my mother basically died from medical negligence. There were several issues that were ignored by her GP and instead of treating her, he actually said to her “You are just an old woman, and all this is part of getting old.” By the time we truly found out the extent of her health issues and how long they had been ignored, it was too late. Now, it is a blessing and a gift to see my father get such amazing care and attention to every detail of his physical, emotional, spiritual and mental well being. The doctors at Emory are the best (Anywhere). I often wonder if my mother would still be with us if she had the same experience. We are blessed to have such great care now.

The Routine Order

We all have things that seem to be the bane of our existence. They gym, the dreadmill, I mean treadmill.  The dentist…and for me, routine.  I am a writer, creative and do not like routine.  Until I take a closer look at my life.  Growing up, my mother believed very much in routine, that this is what children needed in order to be healthy.  In addition to three square meals, lots of love and some discipline, we also had a lot of routine.  We had dinner with a certain time frame and went to bed by a certain hour.  We had so long to do homework, chores and piano practice.  She said that routine could bring order into an otherwise chaotic world for a child.  And indeed we did thrive.

But in my adult life, I just seem to do well without schedules.  I do what needs to be done when it needs doing, and do my best to manage time.  And I am constantly running 15-20 minutes late. But lately I am seeing more value in this thing called routine of which she spoke. And I think it might just save my sanity.

Since Dad moved in life has been on the hectic side, running from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, learning to be a caretaker of an 80 year-old and everything that comes with it.  It can be so overwhelming at times.  So what do you do when life gets that overwhelming and big that you can’t seems to see over the top of it?  Routine.

There is comfort in routine, in knowing what comes next and when. It allows for you to free up your time and space to be creative and concentrate on what is really important. It allows you to follow a natural order.  And when you think of the science of it, it makes perfect sense.  Even the human body has schedules.  The heart beats on schedule, we do not have to think about it.  We breathe on an automatic schedule. Our blood and lungs work on schedule and to their tasks and we do not have to think about it.  We go on with our lives.

And that is what I hope to accomplish with this new order, so to speak.  Dad will have a pretty set schedule – approximately when to get up, I will fix his breakfast, then when physical and occupational therapy happen, when his companion care comes over to help with tasks or run errands, when to go to the senior center to meet friends and be social. When he doesn’t have to constantly figure out what comes next, what he is going to do and why, constantly coming up for a reason for existence without my mother, then maybe he can relax and just enjoy.

And maybe I can relax a bit too.  Certain things will be on autopilot, so to speak. I can focus on my work, my relationship, friendships and such. Gears can be shifted to I can just be a good daughter, good friend and co-worker.  This routine may be just what the doctor ordered to get life back to manageable.

And maybe the secret to order is being flexible enough.  Flexible enough to work within the bounds of routine but still allow a loose schedule. With exercise we much stretch ourselves, our muscles, to give a little. Life can be messy. And if we are puritanical in either direction of too much schedule and routine or nothing at all, then things can spiral. We feel overwhelmed and out of order.

So I am looking forward to this new schedule that sets the pace for the new year.  I am looking forward to being able to concentrate on what is truly important while the everyday things take care of themselves.  It takes a lot of hard work to put a routine in place, but we are almost there.  And in that order, we can make a life of spectacular.