As the holiday weekend approaches, it is the official end of summer. Yes, in the south there will still be days of 90 or higher, but already the temperatures are cooler at night. The first day of fall is still some time away, but you can feel the shift in the air and in the attitudes of people. Summer is carefree, vacations, day drinking, out on the lake, lazy weekends. But fall is one of my favorite times of the year.
For me summer has always been a busy time, but in fall I can enjoy my days more. Windows are open so a fresh breeze can flow through the house, but this time with no danger of pollen. Temperatures of more enjoyable as the heat of summer subsides, making outside patios more inviting. the humidity lowers a bit, and even on the cool evenings it is easier to spend time on the deck with friends, sipping wine or hot tea.
The weekend is the last blowout of summer. It also brings with it my father’s birthday – he would have been 82. And so a quiet toast to the man who was my first love, the man who taught me how a woman should be treated, the man who made my mother so undeniably happy.
This weekend also brings the welcome of the next season for me. I have worked hard to get everything lined up, and with a lot of prayer, sweat equity and faith, it is all coming to fruition. All I have to do is stay the course.
But what do we do when life is falling into place? That may seem like a strange question, but it makes sense. We strive, because we must always work hard to be better and to be curious of the world around us. When we stop learning and growing then we become stagnant.
Sometimes that means fine tuning our daily habits. Because ultimately our daily habits define who we are and what we are to become. For me, this means, as much as I hate to admit it, I need some routine in my life. I am working on getting to bed earlier, to get up earlier, work out, drink more water, read more, depend on technology less. Which means I need discipline to reduce the bad habits.
By reducing our bad habits, we open the door for more positivity to come into our lives. And who can’t use more of that? Oh, but it is hard. Because we certainly do enjoy those bad habits or at least I do. But maybe if we can reduce the frequency of the bad habits, then they can instead become guilty pleasures, to be indulged less often, but enjoyed much more. And maybe that is one of the secrets to life.
So this Fall I strive. And hopefully striving will continue to thriving. And the warmth of all of it, of a happy life and a happy heart, will keep me cozy during winter’s cold. After all, there is nothing like a fire in the soul to heat the heart and the home. So strive.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. – Ernest Hemingway
One of the things I have heard over and over in writing is write what you know; write from the heart. And I do believe in this when it comes to not only my writing, but others as well. I write for myself, because these things must come out. I write because it is in my soul.
Recently my writing has not been glamorous. It has been about pain and grief and confusion and finding your way. Because right now, in this moment, that is what I know. And that is the thing about life, many times it isn’t glamorous. Many times we are just trying to get through it the best we can. And those bad times do not last. Whatever it is, it will not be like this 10 year from now, or 5 years, or 1 year or even 6 months from now.
This space, this pen on paper or words on the screen, is a safe and cathartic place. So it pours out of me in all of it’s raw, unglamorous and unpolished glory.
Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader – not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon. – E. L. Doctorow
When you write from the heart, others will connect with it. Because you cannot hide the emotion or passion. Or comes out not only in the words, but in the flow and rhythm of the writing. It cannot be faked or taught. It just is. And to me, as a writer, that part of the process is sacred.
The best compliment anyone could give me is that my writing made them feel something, made them think. Because the glamorous life is wonderful, but cannot be sustained. We all love to read about exotic travels and adventures. I hope to have some soon. But sometimes real life gets in the way. Real emotion.
I never understood how the holidays could possibly be a hard time for anyone. It is such a festive happy time. A time of celebration, giving, and family. But now after suffering loss, I do understand. While I still love the holidays, there is an acute awareness now of all those who not with me. Next year will not be as hard.
No one promised us an easy life, and there will always be tough times here and there. The secret is reaching deep down into yourself. It’s about tapping the joy and strength that is within, where the soul meets the heart.
It is about finding what inspires you, even when it is dark inside.
And it is about being still and listening to the whisper of God’s voice. At least it is for me.
So it’s not glamorous right now. But it is real and it is what I know and it is from the heart. And the heart, no matter how ragged, never looses it’s shine.
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin
In life there are many firsts. Some of them good, some of them bad, some fall smack dab in the middle. This first is bittersweet. It is the first Christmas without my Mom. Which means many other firsts too – the first Christmas tree without her, the first gift wrapping without her, the first year of my life that I will not be buying Christmas gifts for her. You never realize just how many gifts that a person would enjoy until you lose them….and you still see gifts around the holidays that they would love. But somewhere along the way, you have to find more sweet than bitter if you are going to survive the holiday season.
This past weekend was time for another first. We went to pick it out, and Dad searched and found just the right tone. I admit, I have never had a real one. Growing up we always had an artificial Christmas tree. This dates back to, what I have been told, the first Christmas that Mom and Dad were married. They got a real tree, and loved it. And then the holidays were over, and it was time to take the ornaments off and put the tree, well, whereever real trees go after Christmas.
This is where there was an impasse. Dad firmly believed that it was the woman’s job to handle the Christmas decorations, including the disposal of the tree. Mom felt that it was the man’s job to carry the large Christmas tree out the curb. Both my parents are very stubborn. Neither one was willing to budge. And so there the Christmas tree sat, needles brown and falling off- through New Years, past Valentine’s day, and St. Patrick’s Day. It was the Easter tree, the Maudi Grad tree…
I have been told that late in the spring, when they moved from that house, the movers finally took the tree and put in on the curb. Thus there were no more live Christmas trees.
Until now.
So we went to the nursery and found the perfect 8ft Christmas tree. And it does indeed smell wonderful. And we have been decorating it a little each night. And that is the hard part. Because my mother collected Christmas ornaments for over 40 years. And now I have them. And they are wonderful and beautiful and amazing and make me feel close to her….but they also make me aware that she is not here. She Loved Christmas
I sobbed while hanging the first few ornaments on the tree. It was surprising how hard it was to see these glistening ornaments, some I remember as a child and was not allowed to touch (Small klutzy child + delicate ornaments = disaster). There were all the angels, and animals and Christmas mice, and even the cute little Christmas Octopus ornament (I bought that one for her). There was the little sequin drum that she made with my sister and cousin. There was the ball with the cork oriental building inside. There was the Christmas Skunk ornament (it sounds weird, but is really cute).
And there was putting up her absolute favorite Christmas display – the nativity. It is a sight to see. While it is not an ornament on the tree, it is a display that was very close to her heart.
Slowly, as each ornament is hung, and each display or decoration is arranged, and the tree glistens with its lights, it gets just a tiny bit easier. Because I do feel like she is near. And because she did love Christmas.
And so as I smell the scent of the tree, and see her ornaments hanging, I find the sweet in the bitter. I find the comfort in the quiet glow of the lights and the soft sound of Christmas carols…I miss her so very much, but know somehow, someway, she and Santa are having a great conversation. I hope she puts in a good word for me.
To most today is just another day, nothing special. But to my family, this day has been a day to celebrate for 49 years now. It is my parent’s 49th wedding anniversary. They met 54 years ago and were married in 1967. My wonderful mother passed 4 months ago, but we still celebrate.
To stay together so long, through the ups and downs of life. Theirs was truly a time when you stuck with it. It was wonderful growing up with parents who loved each other so much. It was wonderful to see them, even in their older years, holding hands and being affectionate. They have been a wonderful example as to what a relationship truly should be. And they taught me not to ever settle for less than what they had.
And what they had does not change with the times or social opinion of the masses. Because they taught me about basing a relationship on similar values, friendship, trust, respect and faith. Those are the things that last, long after looks and the superficial fades. They taught me about doing for the other not because you owe them, but because you love them.
I have called them many times over the years to wish them a happy anniversary and they would have completely forgotten about it. They just went along, happy with each other no matter what day.
Today, we talked about many things he remembers about her. We laughed as we talked about fond memories and talents she held. I want to take all those memories and put them in a place inside my heart that is so Holy and sacred, that they will always be bright and unfaded. Afterward Dad went to visit my closest sister in age and geography. Being so close to Thanksgiving, I am very thankful for her interest in keeping in touch with him and hope the trend continues. Tonight will be a dinner of his choice and lots of hugs.
Today marks the start of the first of many holidays and celebrations without Mom. Truth be told I do not know how to make that sound optimistic, or nice. It is a journey that we all must go through at some point in our lives. I do not know how to truly process that she is not here for this anniversary. I do not know how or what to feel. In truth, all we can do is hold those who we love just that much closer. We can make those anniversaries of whatever a celebration…of life that is here, in front of us. And maybe therein lies the key.
So tonight I raise my glass to the 49th year. I am only 43, so I cannot even fathom what it is like or what it takes to stay with someone for longer than I have been alive. But I do know it takes a lot of love. I want to take those memories of love and be inspired moving forward.
Change. It is a fact of life. Everyone, at some point, must accept it, learn to deal with it, adapt to it. But that can very so very hard.
Usually I write about everything I am thankful for in the Month of November – a new list every day. This Thanksgiving that seems too strange. I do look around and acknowledge the many blessings. But I am not sure how to act really. I am very thankful Dad is still here, thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, the fact that we have been blessed to have such a wonderful home and are building a life of love. That I have such wonderful friends who are there for me and love me, that I have a job I love at a great company.
And that I had 42 wonderful Thanksgivings with my mother. That I was there in her last moments. And for all the wonderful talks and whispers and moments we shared, mother and daughter. When she looked at me in the hospital and said “I know you truly love me.” When she smiled and said “I know what that means.” When I read the letter and notes she wrote labeled “Don’t open unless I am dead”…and how truly funny they were. Thankful for the way she always knew just what to say, and when to say it, to make me smile and feel better. Thankful for the taco soup and fresh cut corn that she froze, just for us, knowing she was going to pass. Still taking care of us, even now.
This Thanksgiving will be very different from the ones in the past. Every Thanksgiving has been at my parent’s place. Even when I lived far away, the trip would be made to make sure I was there with the rest of the family. There was always so much food because Mom loved cooking for all of us. The exception was last year when I begged to have the holiday feast at my place. Mom and Dad reluctantly agreed and made the trip up to the big city. It would turn out to be the last with my Mom. My sister and her three boys were there too. I treasure those memories.
This is the first year in my life that Mom will not be here for Thanksgiving, or Christmas. This change is not welcome, but it is as it is and so I must adapt. Thanksgiving is coming whether Mom is here or not. And so this year we will spend Thanksgiving around M’s mother’s table. I am thankful for their generosity of taking us in. And no doubt there will be lots of love around that table. Truth be told Dad and I are at a bit of a loss this Thanksgiving…and holiday season in general.
But that is the thing about change – it opens up new opportunities. New ways of thinking about and doing things, and new possibilities. This Thanksgiving may have a melancholy feel, but it can still be special. This Thanksgiving is about love. And love is always a good thing. Because love feeds the Human Spirit, fills in all of our cracks and makes us stronger.
I have long had the theory that if you do something with love, it will be felt throughout. This past weekend is a great example. My father wanted several of his belongings and pieces of furniture moved up. A new home doesn’t really feel like it’s yours until you have your most favorite things around you.
And so my man and I went down to Mom and Dad’s, loaded up a 16’ truck full of his favorite things and drove them up to the new house. Dad is taking full advantage of the fact that there is space for his things now. So, with the help of some wonderful friends, we unloaded the truck and arrange Dad’s new room.
When my father returns, he will find his room full with his bed, his desk, his favorite chair and other items he picked to have with him. My man and I arrange everything last night, moving heavy solid wood furniture, pulling out the tape measure with blinding speed, trying not to fall over the cats and trying not to trip over each other. The result is warmth that you can feel as soon as you walk in the room. A room filled with, arranged with and designed with thought and love. It is my favorite room in the house so far.
It seems that when you are doing for another, being of service to them, whatever love is felt is returned ten-fold. Doing things for Dad helps me feel better. It makes me feel as if Mom is smiling as she watches over us. It melts away all my heartache, channels it into something positive, and makes me smile. Serving others helps me heal. I can no longer do for Mom, but I can do for those she loved most and make sure they are good. And the is no doubt she loved Dad the best and the most.
Now, to arrange the rest of the house in the coming weeks. To make it ours, warm and comfortable. A sanctuary in a crazy world, a place of rest and peace. And love.
Special note: I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a wonderful man as my partner. He has been there for me, putting up with me in my emotional, grieving state. He has been patient, letting me cry when needed. He has been amazing to my father, treating him with nothing but kindness and respect. He has lifted and moved heavy furniture, called on his friends to help, done dishes and laundry, eaten questionable cooking, and watched TV shows just because I liked them. I have been treated with more kindness, grace, gentleness and love that I deserve or could possibly hope.
There is a saying that when a woman is loved the right way, she becomes 100 times more than she ever could have been. He has shown me this is true. And I am blessed.
This is the season for parties, festivities, socializing, seeing old friends, making new friends and just a lot of hustle and bustle. It is a season of extraverts. But this season I am feeling anything but extravert.
This year I am feeling very be cozy and warm mama bearish. I just want to be home, or with a close circle of friends. Yes, the invites have been pouring in for this and that. And surely these are people whose company I have enjoyed in the past. But my couch is so very comfortable and the fire is warm.
This year, after being terrible displaced from my home due to toxic mold, I am more appreciative of e safe place to hang my hat. I want to make this space warm and welcoming to all those whom I love and care.
And as the pictures of festive parties, pretty dresses, fixed hair, perfect make up and lots of drinks are posted on Facebook and other social media outlets, I smile and click like from the comfort and warmth of my own hearth, on my flannel PJ’s and fuzzy socks (yes, super sexy, I know).
I sip wine and listen to my favorite music, unpacking, organizing, arranging furniture and getting settled. And who says you have to be and about on the town seeing and being seen to be social? I have my friends close by, still meeting for dinners and drinks. I run to theirs or they come to mine. It is nice and quiet and small and quaint.
There is home cooking – soups and sauces, new recipes and old favorite, smells and fragrances filling the house. Putting up and decorating the Christmas tree, with all the old ornaments from childhood that make me smile and love my parents. There is eggnog and mistletoe and kisses and laughter. There is the gentleness of starting over.
And sometimes, in the big world, it is good to be small and close. It is good to make sure that all of our fingers and toes and accounted for and painted pretty colors, enjoying the small comforts that build the foundation of a good and happy life. Sometimes the small celebrations are even more meaningful than the big ones.
And sometimes, when it is all said and done, it is the building of many of those small moments that make a life worth living and loving. Sometimes being the opposite of the season is what gives it it’s meaning.
We should open a store called Forever 39 and sell wine and Spanx.
Being a curvy girl is a wonderful thing. And I have found that I truly love my new-found curves. Because you are soft, curvy, feminine and very womanly. It’s great to have hips, but, thighs and boobs. And it’s great that I little invention called Spanx helps keeps everything from spilling out and bulging over in the tighter fitting knit styles that are so popular today.
What is not wonderful? Trying to wiggle, squirm, squeeze and contort to get into these Spanx – especially every time you have to go to the bathroom. I think I’ll pass up the gym today – I’ve already had my workout. Anyone who has ever worn them, or even seen these tiny things come out of the package, has wondered how in the heck are these going to fit? You know what I am talking about.
There are 1 piece top and bottoms, then there is the one piece – which I have – that smooths everything, tummy, belly, hips and thighs. It is perfect if you have a long-ish outfit. Basically it takes an act of congress to negotiate out of the one piece Spanx. No matter what you are wearing (today it’s a dress) you have to take all of it off just to get to the Spanx. So you better hope the stall has enough room to get undressed. After you take your clothes off, then you have to take off your panty hose, if wearing them. Ok, that’s easy enough, just takes time. Then you get to the magic that keeps everything the place.
You have to do the Out-of-Spanx dance, that makes you look like you are from Outer space. First, you get the straps over your shoulder, and slowly suck in as you peel the Spanx off of your upper torso.. Then you wiggle to get the Spanx off your waste…and then…it’s the hips. If you are like me…and you have lot s s O’Hip…this is a challenge. You suck in, wiggle, woggle (yes, that is a word) stretch and eventually they will slowly start to budge.
After you get them off, then you have to contort, wiggle and dance to get them back on. You have stretch the Spanx beyond what it seems their capacity to be and smooth them out to make sure everything is in place underneath and nothing is bulging in the wrong spaces. Once everything is in place, you can put your clothes back on and step out of the stall.
So men, if your girlfriend, who looks fabulous in that dress, is taking a long time in the bathroom, changes are she may be stuck in Spanx. (Think of the episode of Friends where Ross gets stuck on those leather pants…). It’s also a bit like Bridget Jones wearing the panties that make it more likely to have sex, unless the dress comes off….but so be patient– it takes a lot to look this hot. But don’t worry, we’re worth it.
I swam in the ocean and played like a child. I did back flips, hand stands and the back stroke. I let the current of the ocean carry me as I floated on the surface. I swam underwater, like a fish, seeing how long I could hd my breath before coming up to the surface for that first gasp of air when my lungs felt like they are going to burst. There was an excitement, an innocents that coursed through my veins as I felt the water against my skin.
At first the water was almost too cold, but then as my body adjusted tot he temperature, it felt refreshing and I was energized. The entire sea in front of me, with all the mystery it holds. All it’s secrets being whispered to me in the currents.
It had been almost two years since I swam in the ocean. Almost two years since I did back flips and let the water carry me. And it was wonderful.
It makes you appreciate the cool fresh salty air of the sea. And to feel the soft breeze across my damp face was pure heaven. And I saw God, in the sea, int he sky, in the everything of the moment. And I knew He had me in his hands and that all was well in my world.
There were hot Krispy Kreme donuts in bed, melting in my mouth from the first bite to the last. There was laughter, wine and dancing. There was the innocence and playfulness of a child. It was freedom.
Ada Lamar has been dark for over 6 months as I took a break from this blog. The time away has been wonderful and filled with much magic. Life is filled with long walks, long talks, lots of family, hope, dreams, love, hand holding and wine. There has been much writing, a career I love, meeting great people, making stronger bonds with old friends, midnight gardening by the moonlight, travel, sunburns, house cleaning and warm sheets. Along the way there has been good news, bad news, tears and laughter. Lots of desserts, plans, saying goodbye and many hello’s. Prayers, fights, triumphs, motorcycle rides, roller derbies, boxing, running, playing and working. Sweat equity, painting, organizing, consolidating, planning, building staining hammering, learning and eating.
And every step pf the way, every heartbeat along the road, for everything I have carried and all that I have let go, I am happy and life is good.
And I look forward to writing about many more adventures to come!
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu
More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.
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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different loves and all the different levels.
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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?
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This is where I find myself to day. as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.
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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.
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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.
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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.
Fulfillment is defined in the dictionary as Satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one’s abilities or character. Many of us strive a whole lifetime to achieve this illusive word. And then when we find it, it is knowing how to balance life in order to keep it.
I have reached fulfillment in my life. I have developed my abilities, character and standards to the point where I am fulfilled not only in my life, but also within myself. And as I approach my 40th birthday, I realize I am right where I want to be. There is not a single part of my life in which I am unhappy. I am fulfilled in my life, my career, my family, my loves and my friendships. And I look around and think “Wow, I did it. I really did it.”
It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been pretty. And I’ve made mistakes along the way. I have been no saint. I have disappointed others and myself, I have mis-stepped, mis-spoken and mis-judged, but I have learned much about myself and others each step of the way. My journey has been intensely personal and not at all typical. But then, when has my life ever been typical? And through it all, I have kept myself self, my honor and my integrity in tact.
And now looking back, I see how I have managed. They key has been the saying:
“To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” – Shakespeare
It is easy to laugh at this simple saying at first, but if you take a deeper look, in the truest sense, then you begin to see the wisdom and simplistic beauty in the quote. “To thine own self be true.” To me, this means being honest with ourselves and our intentions. This is perhaps the hardest part. Think of all the little lies we tell ourselves on a daily basis, how we may rationalize selfish, destructive or dishonest behavior. Now, if we follow our conscience, as God gave it to us, and are truly honest with ourselves, then we will have no trouble in knowing the right and wrong of a situation.
Then the next part: “And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” To me, this makes the most simple sense of all. If we are truly honest with ourselves, and true about our intenmtions, then we cannot deceive another.
If we are honest within ourselves, and follow our hearts honestly and in earnest, life will balance and we will find Peace. And where we find peace, we will find happiness. But first it starts from within.
The second part of my equation to finding true fulfillment in my life, has been to get others out who do not live by the creed mentioned above. This may seem cruel at first, but it is not. Think about it, if someone cannot even be honest within themselves, how can they be honest with you? If a person deceives themselves, they will surely deceive you as well. Count on it. And when confronted on the deception, they will rationalize it and make excuses to you and to themsleves as well. They didn’t lie, they just didn’t mention it. Or say that you are at fault because you are not flexible. Morals and integrity are not flexible, to those who are honest with themselves anyway. Argueing with these people offeres no Peace, and thus should not be entertained. Just just ties and run.
When you get these people out of your life, you also get the instability, chaos and pain they bring into your life out as well. These people suck all the energy and life out of life itself. Because they cannot be honest with themselves, they serve not the greater good of humanity, but their own selfishness and petty needs, never considering the effect their actions bring onto others. Once you get these people are expelled, you will be surprised at how much time and energy you have to focus on the good things.
The people who are in my life are balanced and bring good things into my life. And if they do not, if they start to bring negativity and choas through my door, they will be put out. No appologies made. The relationships I have now are blanaced and mutually beneficial, as they should be.
And now I move forward fulfilled. My life is not at all perfect, but is is wonderful, beautiful, mysterious and amazing.
Flu season is here, now, just in time for the holidays. Chance are that if you don;t get sick, you will know several people who do. Coughing, sneezing, blowing your nose, and feeling like crap is no way to spend Christmas, or anytime for that matter. But, as irritating as it might be, every cloud has a silver lining, including being sick. continue reading for the upside of feeling sideways.
Only when you are sick can you be as crabby and ornery as you want…and people just smile, pat you on the head, say you really must be feeling horrible and the give you more chicken soup.
Dress any way you want. You could come around the corner wearing polka dots and paisley, and no one would say anything. You could wear the most baggy, unflattering outfit, and again, people just smile and give you more chicken soup because you obviously don’t feel well at all. I love wearing my ugliest, most comfortable pair of pajama’s and my fuzzy fish slippers. If I am going to be sick, I am going to also make everyone around me nauseous with my ugly PJ’s.
You get to work from home. You can also show up late to work and most people just appreciate that you tried to show up and work. If you look really bad, they will beg you to go home and feel better soon.
You get to indulge in really bad day time TV Let’s face it, Day time TV is horrible. Except when you are sick. Then, somehow, Judge Judy, Cops, Jerry Springer are all your friends and are great TV. Under the influence of cold medicine, almost any horrible daytime TV show can seem Emmy worthy. So just sit back and enjoy…indulge in your guilty pleasures.
You can eat what you want. No one questions what you eat when you are sick. You could have a diet of nothing but chocolate, and as long as it makes you feel better, no one will complain or say anything. So get to know Ben and Jerry a little better…I know you want to…
People do things for you. When you are sick, people are willing to make you tea, bring you hot soup, make sure you are comfortable, enjoy it while you can, because as soon as you feel better, it will be back to normal.
So, while being sick is o picnic, enjoy the perks. And take your vitamin
Birthdays. They are special and are much fun to celebrate. Yesterday was my oldest nephew’s 22nd birthday and I took him out for our traditional birthday dinner.
And as we sat, ate and talked, I looked at him, this young man, and realized how proud I am of him. He has grown up to be a fine young man – honest, hard-working, super intelligent, funny and just a good guy, He treats women with respect and courtesy, he does not take advantage of people, he follows his sense of right and wrongNow, he does have his faults, as does everyone, but I am so proud of who he has become.
Before we left for the restraint, I watched him explain some homework to his roommate, and he was so good at breaking things down to a level that is understandable. Jeeze, he can get me to understand quantum physics, and that is no small deed so he must be good.
And I just wanted to hug him and keep him at this age, or at least take a photo in my mind so I could always remember this day and time with him. I remember when he was just a baby, starting to walk, but still hanging onto the table for stability. That little finger that would get into everything. His first day of school and how he grew up with many of the friends with whom he graduated. His adolescence and all the awkward stages that we all go through. His 18th birthday, when he was an adult. His 20th birthday when he was no longer in his teens. His 21st birthday, when I bought him his first beer, and now he is 22. So many stages and trails, so many projects and tests.
There was his trip to Alaska, his building of robots, his Skills USA competition, his theory on why a time machine could never be built, his friends he has had all of his life and how much they mean to him, his disappointments and things that made him happy and excited. Going to the first open house with him at the school he now attends.
We went to the open house and then I took him to a nice dinner. Afterward we went to a restaurant that spins so he could see the Atlanta skyline properly. There was a cheerleading convention in town that weekend, and the entire downtown area and the restaurant had thousands of attractive cheerleaders running around in their uniforms, He looked at me bright eyed and innocent and declared that he loved Atlanta. I just laughed.
Being there for him is the best thing I have ever done in my life. It is so special to see a young man grow into someone whom you are so proud. It has been an honor and a privilege to watch him develop into this magnificent human being. And I hope there are many birthdays to come
I have not been writing as much recently, or in the last few days or so. This is a bit odd to be because I am used to writing and posting almost every day. But something is happening. I am busy enjoying life.
And it occurred to me that sometimes you have to stop writing about life, and start living it in order to have something valuable to write and say later. Sometimes you have to take a break, take a few steps back, gain perspective and just enjoy.
It is different than writers block, because frankly I do have a lot about which to write. But they are things that might seem boring, like how I love to sit and look at the Christmas tree when the lights are off. Or how much I am looking forward to my sister’s visit for her birthday. Or even how thrilled I am that the Christmas presents that I have ordered for loved ones are arriving. Or how much I look forward to going to the formal holiday parties and dressing up, how much I enjoy re-connecting with friends right now, how I am enjoying long slow kisses, my new work space, even getting lost in the new parking deck for 30 minutes (have I mentioned my lack of sense of direction?). How O need to vacuum my house because the dust bunnies are waging war against the tufts of cat hair. How I am enjoying my house plants actually blooming inside, or how much I am looking forward to New Years.
How I am enjoying long looks, happy dinners and much laughter. How it is shopping with friends, finding the perfect dress with the perfect fit, a glass of wine and good conversation, a hot cup of tea, a fire, a long run, crisp mornings, purring kitties, snuggling up to him that is making life just delicious. THat taking a break is not always a bad thing, that it can mean that life is blooming right before your eyes.
I am actually too busy enjoying all of these things to actually take the time to write about them as much as I want. And that may not be a bad thing. It is often what others may find boring that comprises our lives. But that does not mean out lives are boring, far from it actually. Because life is mostly made up of those tiny little moments that may not mean much to others, but mean so much to each one of us individually. Life is all that which we do not write, that makes it so wonderful, mysterious, interesting and beautiful. Life is what happens between the lines.
So here I am, enjoying my spot between the lines. Enjoying the “boring” parts, where everything in my life right now is special, magic and wonderful, and just for me.
So here it is, the last day of the month. The last day of the Thankfulness exercise. You should be thankful every day, for all the gifts you have and take for granted. But this has been a great exercise, to make a conscience effort, every day, to be thankful for something, then take the time to write it down. It has been fun, I have learned much and I walk away more aware than I was before. And for the last days:
Day 29, Well Being: These days there is just a general sense of well being all around. I am aware of how luck and blessed I am,for so much in my life. And a sense of well being is not to be taken for granted, and I have done that in the past. When you go through hard times, you loose that sense, and when you gain it back again, months later, you are very aware of it. And I am thankful.
Day 30, my body: I am very thankful for my body. I have made great use of it,m and it has been of great service to me. I have taken this body through so much. I have abused it, fed it poorly, given it little rest, and yet it has never failed me. I have put this body on top of a horse, on boats, across miles of running and walking paths, over mountains and rainy days, pushed it up stairs when it was tired and sore, traveled to difference continents, lifted tons of weight, carried broken hearts, the souls and of dead, the darkness of fears and the light of hope. I have poundedthe pavement with this body, cried an ocean of endless tears, been cold, hungry, restless and with every heart beat, my body has given me more than I would have ever thought. This body carried my hope, dreams, thoughts, love, disappointments, joy, laughter, mischief, sadness, madness, my spirit, intellect and that that is light and dark within me. It is truly marvelous.
Day 24, The Compound: I am thankful for the family compound. Mom and Dad have made this place in the country a little slice of heaven. It is where I go to get away from the city, enjoy nature, be with family, recharge and just be. It is a healing place filled with love.
Day 25, Laughter: This day I am thankful for laughter. There has been much of it as my family gets together for the Thanksgiving holiday.
Day 26, Chocolate: I am thankful for chocolate, one of my favorite foods. It is just yummy and it makes me happy.
Day 27, Peace: Something I am finally finding after a rough year. Peace brings about the ability to be still, to listen, to have Grace and to love. You will be happy when you find peace.
Day 20, My Home: I think I said something about being thankful for having a roof over my head in an earlier post, but this one is different. This is specifically about having a home.
As I was cleaning up a night ago, I looked out over my house and realized something wonderful: it was finally my home. Home, that place that is sacred. That place where we are safe, were we are protected from all that is bad or unpleasant. Home is where we go to recharge. home is where our hearts are safest.
And I look ed around and there were memories in every corner. This is the place where I go to be safe, where my Mother comes to be comforted, where my father comes to heal after treatment, where my nephew comes for quiet time, where my sister comes to take a break and enjoy some tea, where my friends come for laughterand good times, where those I love come for comfort, food and drink. It is Home.
And for that I am thankful.
Bed and blankets: I am also thankful for my wonderful comfortable beds. If I get tired and have trouble sleeping in one, I simply walk across the hall to the other. And then I can snuggle deep down into the warm blankets and drift off to sleep, while my cats purr beside me.
We all need those times when we are doing absolutely nothing. When life gets crazy rushed with work, traffic, a busy social schedule, cooking, cleaning, and a thousand other things that need to be done. And sometimes, we need to take a break, press refresh and just relax.
Last night was that night for me. I have a ton of things to do – writing, cleaning, running, organizing, a busy social life and the list goes on and on. But instead I sat on the couch, and watched a Harry Potter movie. I curled up, wrapped in a big, warm soft blanket, ate left over lasagna and stayed on the couch the entire night with my two cats. Sent a few text messages, but otherwise didn’t even answer the phone.
And it was wonderful. It seems that life gets more hectic with each day, and sometimes we just have to take a break and slow down. I didn’t even feel guilty.
Slowing down helps us recharge, take care of ourselves a bit, think about the past days, figure out plans of action, or just turn our brains off for a bit. And as I settle down, I realize the value of being still once again. It is very healing for me, as I am still and listen to that little voice, the voice of God. As I take the time to truly feel all that is happening around me.
And in my old age, it has become apparent, we must learn the fine art of doing nothing. We must take time for ourselves, by ourselves. To truly enjoy and revel in the life we have, to appreciate, to mourn, to laugh, to think, the plan, to enjoy, to love, to realize, to be happy, to be sad, to see the true wonderfulness of life, love and everything in between. Yes, sometimes, we simply must stop and be still.
The result is I am feeling much more rested and at peace today. And that is what happens when you allow yourself proper downtime. Yes, the art of doping nothing is delicious, and one should enjoy every minute of it. Because before long it will be time to rush off again, in the rhythm of life as the tides ebb and flow around us.
Again I have been away for a few days, busy with life. But here are the things I am thankful for each day so far, picking up where I left off:
Day 10, Warm days: It was beautiful weather this past Saturday. I was outside, it was sunny and wonderful. A great day to be enjoying the weather. Even though it is November, down South it is still very warm. No doubt the winter will set in soon, but until then…
Day 11, Dancing: I danced at a snake. I was doing some yard work for my parents along the bank of the lake, and a large snake popped his head up to say hello. Indiana Jones and I have something in common – we hate snakes. And this thing seemed to want to get a closer look of me. Not wanting to be a total sissy and start screaming, I instead held out the big sticks I had in each hand and started dancing and making noise. It worked, the snake slithered off no doubt shaking it’s little snake head at my crazy display of the Get-the-Hell-Away-From-Me-Dance. I was very relieved. After my knees stopped shaking I resumed my yard work. I am very thankful for dancing.
Day 12, rainy nights: There is a song about rainy days and mondays…but rainy nights make for some great sleep. especially when they are very cool nights. There is also a wonderful song by Eddie Rabbit expressing the very same thing. After an especially satisfying workout, I opened my bedroom window, heard the rain, felt the cool fresh air and drifted off to a wonderful deep sleep. This morning I awoke feeling very rested, though a little sore from the workout. Great sleep.
Day 13, My furry babies: I woke up this morning with one of my cats on top of my purring, the other snuggled up beside me purring. They are my two wonderful kitties. And I am thankful for them. Because yes, I am the crazy cat lady. 🙂
And that concludes this episode of Thankful Days. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
I have been away for a few days, busy with life. But here are the things I am so very thankful for this November and month of gratitude:
Grace, Day 7: I am very thankful for Grace. It has been given to me when I was going through hard times, was miserable and lashed out at others. People have loved me anyway, even when it was hard. And that takes Grace. And now I am trying to have Grace with others. It is not easy. But one thing I am learning, is that you cannot have Grace with others, until you also have it for yourself. That is even harder as I hold myself to some very high standards and fault myself when I come up short. But I am learning and getting better, with myself and others, every day. And for this I am thankful.
Generous People, Day 8: I am thankful for generous people. Last night, a friend of a friend came over and installed my wall mount for my TV. We had never met, he just did it because his good friend said someone needed help installing it. He brought his tools, his sense of humor and his technical know how. And now my TV is up on the wall and looks fabulous. He gave up his time for someone he had never met. A very generous man and I am very thankful for him, and many others who have been so very generous in my life. They have given when they did not have to and even when I did not deserve it. And for these many wonderful people, I am thankful. and I remember to pay it forward.
Where I live, Day 9: I am very thankful to live and be a citizen of the United States. I went to a charity banquet many years ago and the main speaker talked about how we should always give back, because we were fortunate enough to be born where there is plenty. There is no difference between a child born in Ethiopia and a child born in the US, except one was lucky enough to be born here. That has always stuck with me. I have worked very hard to have the life I have, but it is honestly all by the Grace of God that I was born where I was, and live where I live, that I have been as fortunate as I have.
And this concludes today’s list of things I am thankful for (actually catching up for the last 2 days as well). Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Now that word has spread around that I am once again single, everyone has taken it upon themselves to find dates for me. I am getting offers for set ups like crazy. Even the head of security offered to set me up with some very nice men.
Why not? If nothing else I will meet some nice people and make some new friends. And it is a compliment that they think highly enough of me that they would set me up with their friends. And they all want to see me happy and in love. Who am I to argue?
And when someone comes recomended by a friend, you trust them a bit more than just any stranger you happen to meet, though a girl still has to be cautious. Plus my friends know if they set me up with a jerk I will write about it. So I go forward with an open heart, a smile on my face and good friends wanting the best for me.
Today I am thankful for how fortunate that I have been over the last several years. I am a contract writer and I have been able to consistantly find great contracts. I have a great place to live, I love my townhome. I have been able to provide not ony for myself, but for my nephew as well. I have a home where my parents feel welcome and comfortable for when Dad has chemo treatments.
I had dinner with an ex boyfriend last night who is also a good friend (many of my good guy friends are ex boyfriends). We had not seen each other for a while, maybe about a year. Things have been very hard for him, as they have for many. He basically lost almost everything. He is smart, knowledgeable, professional, has a ton of contacts and networks like crazy.
It made me realize how fortunate I have been. And I am thankful and grateful.
This year, 2012 has been so hard for so many for so many for so many different reasons. And yet, while it has been hard for me too, my life is very good and I have been very blessed. I cannot forget that.
Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own lives and our own troubles, taht we forget our blessings. We forget taht there are otehrs, just a stone throw away, taht are going through a worse time. We should celebrate what we have.
I have writers block. You may not be able to tell it since I seem to be churning out a lot of pieces on the blog. But that is because I can’t really think of anything important to say. I really don’t think most people are interested in the fact that I hung my dartboard very crooked. Or maybe they are and it gives them a good laugh. Mostly I have been writing rather self-centered pieces because I have not been able to think of anything really fabulous to say.
Not that my home projects aren’t interesting. They are to me. But they aren’t really deep and, at least I think, they lack a bit of substance.
So I have writers block. And I hate to admit that because I want you to think that I am a great writer who always has a topic about which to write. I want you to be amazed at what I have to say and the wisdom of my insights.
And it isn’t that I have nothing to write about. I have a lot to write about. I think it is more because thoughts are jumbled up in my head at the moment, and I am not sure in what form they should take. Or which ideas should even be written about. And I am not sure how to make them sound interesting when I do write them. This has never been a problem for me in the past.
So what do you do when you have writers block? Actually Googled it and two sites I found that were helpful are here and here. Some say you should take a few steps back and get away from the blank paper/screen. I have done that. Some say you should concentrate really hard on something and it will come to you. I’ve done that. And all of them say you should just write down whatever, brainstorm, let the ideas flow, and it will come to you. Something will stick. I have been doing that (thus all the posts).
Here are the ways I have found useful:
Write about anything/Brainstorm: This is what I am currently doing, and it is helping. While it gets the creative juices flowing, it can also clear out the cobwebs of all the extraneous stuff that is not useful. Don’t worry about punctuation, spelling, grammar or even if what you are writing is any good. Just write. Plus you might find some nuggets worth keeping that can add that extra spice for your next project/piece.
Step away: Sometimes you just need to clear your mind, get away for a bit. Get some perspective and be fresh when you come back. If you have had a hectic time, or have been writing on a project for while, you might be suffering from mental/emotional fatigue. Taking a break allows us to press the reset button.
Read: Reading helps get you out of your own head and into another frame of mind. I recently wrote a post called To Wirte you Must Read, and it is true. It will also give you ideas for your own writing, how to structure a story, a charactor and such. I don’t read as much as I should. I don’t have time. Which may be one of the reasons I have writers block.
Stick to a schedule and deadline: The schedule part does not work for me because I am not a schedule type person, but many people are. And deadlines keep us focuses so that what we’re writing doesn’t stretch out over decades. If it works for you, use it.
Deal with any outside issues: This is a big one for a lot of people, including me. If a loved one is sick, you are going through a divorce, just lost your job or another issue about which you are very stressed, it may be interfering with your ability to concentrate and be creative. Deal with those issues first, then come back to writing.
Isn’t it the same way in life? What happens when you have “lifeblock”? When you have all these thoughts and ideas in your head about how and what you want your life to be but cannot seem to translate that into anything intelligible?
Maybe, is a combination of how to handle writer’s block. First, stand up and step away from the problem. Get some distance, get your head out of your own thoughts. Then maybe when you come back you can think about it. Then if that doesn’t work take a few steps back, then when you return start brainstorming. Deal with the issues and don’t try to avoid them. Stuffing your emotions in a box deep inside only increases internal pressure. Those emotions will find a way to manifest themselves. Better to deal with them now that to face a box full of ghosts under pressure.
I the last 6 months I have not been very good at dealing with my emotions right then and there. Sometimes you have to put your emotions on the back burner in order to get through a crisis. Sometimes you don’t have time to deal because you are too busy getting through it. That is what I have done.
And I suppose that’s OK, since our lives aren’t going anywhere without us. And that is the great thing about life, we get to write our story. And while we may not get any do overs, we can certainly start a new chapter any time we like. We can change the direction of the story and make our lives what we want them to be.
So pardon me while I work out my writing here, in this space. I may not be posting deep things right now, but know that you are helping me work through my writers block, in this space. And lifeblock as well. No doubt inspiration will be found soon enough.
In the spirit of being thankful for something each day this month, I am thankful for where I live and that Sandy did not hit us like it did up North. This area could just as easily be damaged by a strong storm. Funny that we think skyscrapers and big cities are indestructable. A few years ago a tornado came through Atlanta and did a lot of damage to the buildings downtown. I can only imagine what hours of a strong, slow moving hurricane could do.
The power outages when it is so cold, the flooding and homes that were destroyed, the tempuratures dipping down below freezing, the gas shortages, long lines and generators that are on empty. Many times when our lives are easy, we forget that there are others still dealing with what happened. Seeing the news and hearing how gas is being rationed, hearing from my friends who tell me how they are doing, and the things that the news doesn’t report…it makes me so very thankful that I am OK, that I have power, that gas is not at a shortage, that my house is dry and I am safe.
On a lighter note, I am also thankful for No Shave November, and all the men that have facial hair. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE facial hair. It makes me smile. 🙂
According to Dr. Russ Newman, “research has shown that resilience is not an extraordinary thing but is rather ordinary and can be learned by most anyone”.
Relience. The dictionary define resilience as The ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy. Resilience is what allows you to maintain a sense of well-being when you deal with the challenge.We have all been through those rough times. The truth is you really don’t know what someone is made of until you see them in the rough times. Anyone can be a great person when things are good and life is easy. And anyone can fake emotionaly stability when the waters are smooth. See someone is rough waters, see them at their worst if you really want to know them.
In the past I have been very resilient, able to get through rough times in a single bound. However, the last six months have been a challenge. When rough times happen, here are some things that help keep your head above water and keep you reslient. Being the research loving person I am, I set out to find the best advice the internet had to offer. and now, I bring it to you. You are welcome.
Take care of yourself:
This one is a hard one for me. Unfortunately sitting at home eating abundant amounts of chocolate and watching B movies does not count as taking care of yourself. who knew?
When we are stressed and going through a rough time, it’s easy to loose sleep, stop exercising and start eating badly. According to research by the Mayo Clinic, those who are physically well are more emotionally equipped to handle stress. So we cannot forget to take care of ourselves. Slow down, spend some time alone, listen to music, take a walk. Exercise releases endorphins into the your body and helps to lift the spirits.
Getting a hobby (or three) is also recommended. Whatever makes you feel happy, fulfilled or gives you a sense of purpose and utilizes your talents. I am getting into crocheting and photography. These are hobbies that I enjoy and for which I have a talent (well, we’ll see about crocheting…). Taking a class or joining a social group will also help you meet new people and get your mind off of your troubles.
Maintain a sense of control:
This one is oh so important, at least to me. Generally, resilient people tend to have what psychologists call an internal locus of control. Know that you have within yourself all that you need to make decisions that are important to your life. Look deep inside yourself and listen to that little voice inside of you, your gut instict. All that you need to get through, is right there.
When you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by a situation, take a step back to simply assess what’s in front of you. Think about possible solutions, break them down into steps and take baby steps. Martin Seligman, Positive psychology maven, says that a component of resilience is pervasiveness—not allowing a setback in one area to affect another. So keeping it together is a way to maintain control. This means, especially for women, to keep it together at work. Or al least close the door if you are going to get emotional. Never let them see you sweat, or cry. At least go to the bathroom if you don’t have an office.
problem-solving skills and critical thinking are also shown the help keep a person centered and resilient. Research suggests that people who are able come up with solutions to a problem are better able to cope. These skills are also key to self-esteem, which also plays an important role in coping with stress and recovering from difficult events.
Strong social connections:
Friends can help you through the rough spots. According tot he Mayo clinic, being able to reach out to others for support is a key component of being resilient. Those who have an broad support system recover faster from challenges in life. This has been a bit of a challenge for me, as I cut about 90% of my social group in the last year. But the people I have left in my life are solid, loyal and have integrity – and that is worth it’s weight in gold.
Sharing your problems with friends can help lighten the emotional load as we bounce solutions off our friends, get positive feedback or get out of the house and get our minds off of the problem.
See yourself as a Survivor:
You can’t really feel that locus of control unless you feel power to take action. You need to almost immediately feel that you have used your strength to survive something bad. Then tap into that strength to get through the emotional aftermath. Never see yourself as a victim because you loose your sense of control and purpose. You are a survivor, you have strength and courage. Look for ways to solve the problem, or deal with it in the best way possible. Always take the high road and always maintian a level of class. Hold your head up high and know you can and will get through it. While the situation may be unavoidable, you can still stay focused on a positive outcome.
Embrace Change:
This is a tough one for a lot of people, including me. I like things steady and predictable, but flexibility is an essential part of resilience. Why not see these events and challenges as opportunities to branch out in new direscitons? Learn something more about yourself, your charactor and your depth as a human being. Yes, I am workin gon this too.
How exactly do you adapt to change if you are like me and would rather have a root canal? Psychologists say that people who see change as a challenge and not a threat handle streeses better. In their book The Peace of Mind Prescription, Charney and Nemeroff say, “The hormones released by an appraisal of challenge include growth factors, insulin, and other compounds that promote cell repair, trigger relaxation responses, and stimulate efficient energy use.”
Set Goals:
Goals that focus on your strenghts, things that bring you a sense of happiness, calm, satisfaction and fulfilment will help the most. The goals I have set for myself are to 1. Finish and publish my book by the end of the year. 2. Cook new super yummy meals 3. Finish the Fifty Shades of Grey series (which I am struggling with because I am actually getting board with the story). I am also working on writing better blog enteries, as I don’t feel like the latest entries have been very good.
Setting and meeting goals helps with our sense of control and accomplishment during a rough time. It will also boost self esteem.
Exercise:
Yes, you read right. Exercise has been correlated with stronger levels of resilience. So while becoming a couch potato and watching TV all night might be tempting, it isn’t very productive. Exercise relases endorphines into the body which has a positive impacts on one’s mood or the physical health benefits to those who exercise, or both.
Have Faith:
If you are a person of faith, it helps to to pray, alot. And just hang in there. Know that the bad times are only temporary. It won’t last and in no time (and a series of babysteps) you will be past it and on to better times.
None of us are immune to rough times, and there are times in life that are jusst going to suck. And we just have to reach deep down and get through them. But these little steps will help shorten the time we are in the dark. and when the dust settles, we will be better, finer and stronger than we were before. Basically, finding Peace is what helps me, so do whatever youhave to do to get it. So dig in and get on with it.
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.
And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
I read this quote in a blog that I read today and it resonated deep within me. To taste all that you can, every bit of life that comes near you, to always be curious and learning, is how I have always tried o live my life. But yet I am still hungry. I am not yet satisfied. i have not found that taste for that which I yearn. So I keep tasting and searching.
One thing about living life this way that no one tells you, is that yes, you do get amazing view of the world and everything in it, you also get all the bad tastes too. you get hurt much more, and you cry, you ache, you bleed from the very center of your whole heart. So living this way is not for the faint of heart, for it will wear you out, living with your whole self, your whole heart.
And sometimes, in the darkest parts of the hurt, I do question my decision to live a life this way, tasting, devouring every part of life I can. I wonder if it is worth it. The tears, the confusion, the all of it. The complete and utter all of it. Because you feel all of it when you live life this way, every little bump in the road. And the mistakes you make are deeply felt as well. As are the hurtful words of others. And that is where you must have Grace, something which I am working on very hard. And I wonder if it is worth it, the all of it.
And then I see a sunset, or feel joy when someone that I love has a triumph, or feel a kiss on my lips that makes my heart skip a beat, or feels the arms of a man I adore, ofall in love. And then I think yes, it is worth it. At least this time. At least next time. At least one. More. Time.
I have often written about those sitcom moments…those moments in life that are just so…embarrassing, bad, funny, weird, ridiculous, that if they happened on TV they would be hysterical? But they are happening in your life so all you can do is roll your eyes and hope one day it will be funny?
I have had many moments like that…like the time I tripped over an atoman in a furniture store, in front a a hot guy, or the time I dropped the pee-cup at a pre-employment drug test – in front of a hot guy. Or the time I was buying a lip gloss and 3 packs of granny panties as a gag gift for my mother, and saw my hot next door neighbor (who did not believe the granny panties were for my mother).
Today was another. I got up early today, got dressed and I looked very nice, if I do say so myself. I had on my hot skinny pants, a sleek sweater, my hair and make up was looking good. I was in a great mood (especially for a Monday), and had a spring in my step. I went the store for my daily cup of coffee. The fact that I had not yet had my first cup of coffee should have been the first red flag. I am a clumsy girl to begin with, mix that with not having had my morning caffeine and anything could happen.
After I mixed the cream and sugar into the wonderful cup of caffeinated goodness, I turned around quickly and….slapped smack dab into a beautiful man who is tall, dark, handsome, and who now had a donut smashed all over his jacket. And all over mine too. As well as a small amount of hot coffee.
Great.
Cup of hot, steaming coffee embarrasment, anyone?
This only happens in the presence of really hot, sexy men. If it was a little old lady behind me, this never would have occurred. Hot men are my kryptonite.
The usual apologies were made, as he looked at me like I was a cute alien from another planet. He was nice about it, laughed and said he needed to get his coat cleaned anyway. I am sure I turned 50 shades of red.
Just proof that I am an amazing woman who has it together…until a hot guy is around. At least I wasn’t buying knives.
There is something for which I am looking, searching, reaching. After this weekend I finally know what it is. I am looking to make my life my home. This past year, with my Dad’s health, and all the other upheaval that has been going on, I have pretty much been in survival mode – just gettting through it.
But what does making your life your home mean? To me, it means a place where you are comfortable, that feels good, a place from which you do not want to escape. Everyone will go through rough times, where we really would trade with someone esle for a while, but as a general rule, your life should be where you are happy. And if you are not, it’s never to late to change. You just have to ask, how do you want it to feel?
Yesterday, in addition to writing, I also started cleaning up my house. I changed out all my seasonal clothing and pulled out all of my sweaters, In the process I started cleaning out my closets and my office. So many people have been on my house over the last year…my parents, sister, nephew, friends staying when I was out of town, a couple boyfriends and roommate from Hell. All of them had left stuff, things left behind. Everything ranging from old luggage, to clothes, to computer stuff, to chargers, to pictures, to old shoes, to old paperwork to, just stuff. Because things were so hectic, it was just a stuffing the stuff into a place it would fit for the time being and moving forward.
But at some point we all have to clean out our closets. And it is the same in life. You have to get rid of the old baggage, that old stuff that others have left behind in your soul, your spirit, your life. You must clean out, not only to make room for the great things to come, but also to lighten your load, brighten the mind and just get rid of the crap. And who wants to carry another person’s left over, left behind baggage? Our own baggage is heavy enough.
And that is also a lesson for me in my life. I don’t need to take care of everyone. I have my own problems to deal with, so I cannot deal with everyone else’s baggage too. We must be selfish enough in our life, for our life, to back away and say, “No, this is yours, not mine. Take it to your house and leave it there.” When we are not selfish enough to do that, we end up completely depleted, because we carry their baggage plus your own. That is what I did this past year. No more.
Sometimes, you also have to be selfish and honest enough to say you have nothing to offer another person right now. “Because I am taking care of myself. You can come into my life, but I cannot take care of you.”
So there I was, throwing things away, getting rid of everything that was not needed. But how to tell what should stay and what should go? If it wasn’t mine, if wasn’t not usefull, if it didn’t serve me, if I did not have some sentimental attachment to it – it was thrown out. It really was cathartic. There is still quite a bit to go through, but what I have done is a good start to making my life my home.
I want my life to feel good, happy, and fullfilling. I want it to feel warm, settled, and at Peace. Because I want to feel settled and at Peace. And that is what it shall be. And the rest of the year, will be fantastic, because I am taking care of me and making my life my home – warm, cozy, welcoming, Peaceful and fulfilling.
As I was cleaning out everything in my house, I was thinking of how I used to be when I was younger. One of the things was that I was much more self sufficient. When I was younger, I didn’t want any men in my life. So, I didn’t have a handyman, I didn’t keep boyfriends, and I did not let any man do anything for me, no fixing of things, nothing.
After I came back from New York, all of my friends said that if I wanted to find love, that I needed to open op, let people in, be vulnerable and need. They said that I needed to stop being so hard, soften up a little. And so I did. But I think I did it too much.
So, I am not calling a handyman to fix the things I need done. I am doing it myself. I will move the dreadmill treadmill myself, I will hang the dartboard myself, I will fix the running toilets myself and I will figure out that piece of the garage door myself too. Forget waiting on a guy getting around to it, or finding a boyfriend who is handy around the house so he can fix it for me. I am smart and there is no reason I cannot figure this stiff out myself.
Just don’t be surprised by DIY blogs, because while I am sure I can do/fix all of it, I would be naive to think that me + clumsy + tools would not equal anything less than comedic results.
I went to the early service today at church and the sermon was on faith. Having the faith to voice what you want, then trusting in God’s Will to bring it to you. The sermon really hit home for me. I am a happy person, and I have a great life. I am and have been truly blessed, but I still need and want.
I love my life. I love my job and career, love my friends and wonderful family. I love where I live even. The only thing I want that I don’t have is a partner. These past six months have been rough, and someone to share the good and wonderful things would be..wonderful. So this is what I need and want:
I want, first and foremost a friend. Slow and steady. Someone who will understand that it has been a rough time, and will not mind taking his time with me. It won’t take long for me to get my emotional feet under me, but patience is still needed. Someone who won’t rush things. Someone to watch movies on the couch with, have long talks with, someone to with which to grow and get to know. Someone who is steady and stable, who won’t be looking to date every girl around or party. Someone who enjoys laughing. A homebody like me, who wants a deep slow connection. That slow burn. That is what I want and need.
I have control over everything else in my life. This is the one thing I cannot control; this one I have to give to Faith. So, I give it up, and give it to God. And I have hope and faith.
My life is very good. I am very blessed to see the miracles I have seen. And there is no reason why my life cannot be a miracle too.
As we stumbled through it all. We were trusting and weary
We were slow, deliberate, cautious, fast, we were fearful of our own curiosity and need, Want and illusions.
We surprised each other. We were weary of each other. We were excited and torn by each other.
We were looking for each other, crack by crack, bone by bone, inch by inch.
We wanted to believe in each other, not quite knowing each other, but filling in the spaces with our own developments and experiences.
We were drunk in our love and lust for each other, making love in the mornings or by the moonlight. Perfect in our longing, balanced in our time and our space. Arms, legs, hands, holding on and letting go. Moments perfectly enterwined with memoires, leading down a yellow brick road.
We laughed and confessed, but not quite everything, late night on the pillows and in familiar comfortable arms. Visiting those sacred places together, as we felt with our hearts a long the way.
We drove and ate, laughed and cried, we went miles around the planet, going nowhere, sitting on the couch. We talked of plans and thoughts, and Bar B Q.
We were sheets tangled, we were flushed, we were awake and alive at sunrise, bodies warm, we were arched, and folded in, our hearts stained in kisses. We were long looks and smiles, we were hope.
We were broken hearts, and breathless lust, we were perfectly imperfect, exploring our worlds within each other, learning, stumbling, hoping, loving, running, playing, smiling, hoping
We were sunsets and lighting bugs, long hugs and short messages. We were.
We fought, and we were both too weak with love to win, and so we lost and conquered each other’s heart instead.
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