The Joy of Girling

There is a joy in being the girl. There is a joy in being feminine. A joy to curling the eyelashes, applying the lipstick and moving in mysterious ways. There is a joy in being soft and smelling wonderful.

And I am loving all of it.  Fixing my hair again, long baths in wonderful oils, and candles glowing, giving off a warm light.  I feel good, I look good, smell good, and did I mention, feel good?  My nails are polished, both fingers and toes. The hair is fresh. And life is good.

And there is a smile that travels across my face, from the depths of my heart. Someone  this passed weekend, reminded me that “they have been through a lot.” And indeed they have.  Everyone has been through a lot by a certain age. And to declare it and want attention for it, is like saying “I have two feet!” big deal, So does everybody else. The same with all the “a lot” we have all been through.

The trick is how we come out of it, if we do. Some people choose to let it make them fearful.  They shrivel up, keeping others at arms distance, out of fear of being hurt and going through “a lot” again. Some let it make them bitter. Some simply hide it a little hole and bury themselves in work and excuses to stop living and start just existing.

But not me. I will do none of that. The worst that has happened is not where I am going to set the bar. No, I will not have my worst days as the boundaries of my life and my heart. I will not let what has broken my heart, even recently, make me anything but finer. You won’t see me throwing a pity party, or lowering my head.

I will instead stand at the edge of the cliff, arms open wide and shout out to the wind that I am ready. I will face life, and all that is in it, head on. I am not scared or intimidated in any way. Bring. It. On. With a smile on my lips, a mischievous twinkle in my eye, and a spring in my step, I will make this spectacular.

What “a lot” I have been through is no measure of my life. It is however, what has made me brave, and strong, and ready to love with no boundaries. I want to feel life in full force. After all, if my “a lot” hasn’t killed me, then what do I have to fear?

Nothing.

So I want to love fully, with my whole heart, I want to hold hands, and feel kisses, and enjoy this fall weather (if it ever cools down). I want to laugh uncontrollably, have have tears falling down my cheeks from that laughter. I want smiles and late night conversations, and snuggles and closeness. I want LIFE.

The offer has been finalized and the house is selling. Career is wonderful and friends are all around. Only one thing is missing, and I have a sneaky feeling it will be along presently. In the meantime…

I will enjoy being a woman. I will relish doing all things girly. The hair, the nails. the shoes, the everything of being feminine. Because part of life is having fun. Part of living to the fullest is enjoying who you are, where you are, and understanding that where you stand is holy ground.

Life is short. Life is what you make it. So make it full of wonderful.

The Hole Life

These days life is good and complete and wonderful.  This summer is one of re establishing myself, love, passion, fun, and just life in general. And I am thankful for each and every second.  I am ever aware of how delicate this life is, how love connects us all and how the dark and light dance together every day.

This summer is a combination of every thing good.  Lazy days and sleeping late and resting, followed by concerts and explorations.  Going skydiving, taking trips, drinking wine, working out, rehydrating, and building the life I always wanted.  But it is all about balance. Only when we are balanced can we truly enjoy all that life has to offer. And I am thriving.

My mother taught me that life carves out deep spaces within us every time we are hurt.  These deep spaces make us into the amazingly deep works of art that our souls are meant to be.  In that sense we are always evolving. But great depth comes at a great price, so you do have to go through a lot of life to get there.

Because even as wonderful as life is now, the truth is I still have moments of overwhelming grief.  I will hear something or see something that brings it all back. And there I am, tears streaming down my face. Because I miss my parents and my siblings. I miss having a family.  I miss someone caring where I am at midnight, and someone to tell when I have landed safely from a plane. I miss Christmas shopping, and wrapping presents.  I miss the innocence of not knowing grief and death. I miss calling my parents and sharing exciting news. I miss coffee and talks and listening to the crickets or watching storms with them.  I miss the smell of my mother’s Banana nut bread, and I miss my father’s voice. I miss the million little things you do when you have a family that loves you.

And not having a family leaves a huge hole.  Psychology says that you must look within to fill that hole, that you cannot fill it with anything external.  And I agree.  Except with grief, the hole remains, because the loss of your family leaves a huge empty place that can never truly be filled because they can never be replaced.  But this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

What I have found is that if you accept the fact that the hole is there, then you can move past it.  And you can build a beautiful, wonderful life around it.  Because the hole, and missing all of those things, does not mean that you cannot have a complete life. It just means that you recognize and acknowledge that life has changed. It is called acceptance.

I think trouble starts when we try to fill this hole with all that is external instead of accepting it’s existence.  Then it becomes a blackhole, sucking every bit of life out of you and everyone around you.  It is then that people become bitter; angry that they cannot fill the hole no matter what they try.  So stop trying to fill it.  Accept and build around it instead.  I cannot change that I do not have a family, but I can change how how I deal with it.

For me, not only am I building around it, but I am going to make this hole the place from where love comes.  Love comes from God and flows through us. But what if that hole, that big, beautiful hole, that goes down so deep that it makes even the human soul seem shallow, where I miss my loved ones so much, becomes where God’s love flows through me and touches others in my life? What if I turn that hole into that gate, so to speak?  Then it is not just a giant hole, instead it becomes something beautiful and amazing.

And that is the great thing about life – it is your story, and you can change your story at any time. You can write that story if you want. And I am. So it will be the Great Hole of Love (no, scratch that, way too many jokes there). OK, maybe it will just be a new way of life. Because life is what we make it. So make it good.

The First Mother’s Day: Watching Over Me

We all have those times were we just need to get away, step outside of our little worlds, take a break and see things from a different perspective.  That was this weekend for me.  The grief counselors told me that Mother’s Day would be a trigger. It would be an emotional day, so plan for it and do something meaningful.  And indeed it was.  Oddly enough, I loved seeing the all the posts and pictures of everyone with their Mother’s.  It made me grateful that I had mine for 43 years. It was reassuring and made me feel good that the world had not stopped just because my mother was gone. But I still did miss her deeply.

The plan was to go to the beach, relax, have a good time, eat, drink and be as merry as possible, while remembering and honoring my mother.  As it turned out, she had a gift for me too. As I sat in a restaurant Friday night, I saw an older lady facing me in the next booth over.  We caught each other’s eyes and connected, looking at each other smiling for several seconds, maybe 15-20 or more.  This happened several times during dinner.  We could not stop or keep our eyes off each other when this happened.  And I thought her eyes and smile look just like my mother’s.

When she and her family got up to leave, I had to go over and just tell her that she reminded me so much of my mother who had passed away last year, and that is why I kept looking at her and smiling. That my mother was my best friend. I said thank you so much and wished her a happy Mother’s Day. She just smiled and took my hands.  Her family said she was 92 and she shook her head yes.  And smiled at me again. Then she looked at me and said she loved me and gave me the most wonderful hug.  And for a moment, I had my mother back, I had my last hug and I love you with her.  For a moment, my mother was there with me.  And it was wonderful.

That lady and her family will never know how wonderful that moment was, how much it meant, or what a gift it was to me. But my Mother knows.  I think that was her gift to me. Yes, she is still looking after me. But then she always did.  I remember in 2013, after my last court date concerning the attack.  I had to face the man who attacked me in court.  And at the end of the day I was emotionally distraught and exhausted.  When I get like that, my body temperature drops and I cannot get warm.  That night, she turned the heat up as high as it would go, wrapped me up in blankets and stayed up all night watching over me in the hotel room to make sure that I slept and did not have nightmares.  She didn’t sleep at all, just watching over me, like only a mother could.

On Mother’s Day, I sat on the beach in the sun for a long time.  It was a bit crowded with families and young people enjoying the mild weather and sunshine. And when it was time, I took the envelope with the cards and letter to my amazing mother, walked to the water and started swimming out to were the water was deeper.  And as I swam, the water was cool and washed over me, caressing my heart as I made my way out deeper with the envelope.  It started to come apart as I swam, my mother anxious to read what was written inside.  And when a big wave came towards me, I let it go, for the waves to carry to her so she could open and read it.  I watched the envelope as it disappeared into the water. And I whispered that I loved her now and always.

It was a beautiful moment, soft and gentle, in the ocean, with people swimming and splashing around.  A private moment between mother and daughter, only seen by God. It was perfect. And as I eventually swam back to the shore, I heard her whisper to me in the wind, a message only for me.

Today is her birthday, she would have been 76.  I miss her so much, but I also feel her love around me, watching over me now just like she did in that hotel room four years before.

Looking Up

There are times in everyone’s life where all we can do is look up.  In looking up there is faith and hope.  Sometimes, we have to put our heads down and work through whatever it is, go get through or to reach a goal.  And then we find ourselves looking up at the sun, or feeling the cleansing rain on our face.  Looking up means noticing all that is around, not only above. It is saying a prayer, giving thanks and taking a breath.

There is a conversation you never dreams of having with your loved one.  The “It’s ok if you are tired, you can let go” talk when a family member is too ill.  I had that conversation with my mother while she was under sedation and she could not really respond.  The nurse had given her the shot before I had a chance to have a real conversation, so this was the best I could do.  I know she could hear me, so I stroked her hair and gently told her that I know she had been in pain and was so very tired, so if she didn’t feel l like fighting, that it was Ok to let go.  She had our permission.

I sat at her bedside, looking down watching her while rested and reassured her that while I wanted her to be around forever, it was OK if she was too tired and I understood. And loved her more than words could ever say.  I told her about the prognosis – that her body was just too weak to fight the infection and recover.  The truth that if she did recover, it would take months of rehabilitation to get back to normal.  That Everyone would be OK, even though we would miss her more terribly and deeply that we could ever imagine.

I think it is one of the hardest conversations to have with a parent or any loved one.  Gut-wrenching and physically difficult, it is what you do when you love someone and want what is best for them. But it goes against every selfish desire you have, because you naturally want your loved ones with you for as long as possible. But not at the cost of their comfort and quality of life.  So you break your own heart and let go, letting them let go too.

After she passed, I said my final goodbye, taking her hand and telling her one more time that I loved her so very much. When I stood up to leave, the lights flickered softly three times. A gentle whisper of “I love you.”  And I looked up and knew it was her.

As we move forward without her here, there has been much to do.  Getting the old house ready for sale, cleaning, arranging, packing.  We go out to take breaks and sit on the back deck facing the water.  Feeling the breeze, watching the flowers dance. And I look up and see fireflies dancing and playing right in front of me.  And I know it is another gentle whisper.

And there is unpacking the van in our current home, taking Dad’s things out and putting them inside for him, making sure he has all he needs to keep him warm and feeling loved and not so alone.  Unloading 40 houseplants, finding a place for them, in the sun, or partial sun, or full shade so that they flourish as much as they can.  And I look up…and see a double rainbow after I asked for a sign. Another gentle whisper, this time captured on my phone.

After dad and I were down dealing with the coin collection, there was a penny at my door, the year of my birth. And I looked up, thankful for the whisper. Truth be told, there have been too many signs, signals and whispers to mention.  Every day, another whisper, just as I have asked moving forward. A wonderful reminder that she is around, looking over us.  I hope she is proud of me, when I look up at the sky, at her in the beautiful cloud formations.  I hope she likes the way I try to carry her legacy of love, warmth and laughter.  I hope she is patient with me learning how do balance everything she did so effortlessly and does not frown too harshly when my patience and Grace and running short. I hope we she is pleased as she looks down and we look up.

The fact is that moving on is not possible, because it insinuates that you close the door on that part of your life.  And that is simply not possible when missing a parent. You miss them always. But you can move forward, learning how to wade through and make new paths while still honoring and keeping the old ones.  And even the old paths will not ever be the same; but different isn’t always bad and change doesn’t have to be negative. You can build a beautiful life on the grounds and foundation of your parents.

And you never have to stop looking up.

The season of…

Here we are in the middle of the most festive season of the year.  It is also the season of exhausted. And broke.  So much running around, shopping, visiting, catching up, driving in Atlanta traffic and rushing around.  There are 3 December birthdays in my family, plus my nephews graduation. And my father coming up for MRI scans to check his liver cancer (that’s still in remission – yay!).

It is the season of miracles, as I look at both of my parents who are in remission from terminal cancers. I am amazed how powerful prayer and faith are. And I remember this as I search from Grace in my own life and daily activities (many days I fail, but I always am striving to do better).

It is the time of wonderful Christmas commercials. For those of us who get emotional during PMS, watching TV with PMS at Christmas is like a minefield – every channel has touching commercials about military coming home, the elderly being invited over for Christmas dinner, rescue puppies being saved and such. Tis the season of a coffee or cereal commercial pushing me over the edge and reducing me a pile of tears. I just keep a box of tissues by the remote.

It is also a time when I miss some friends who have passed. Like one of my best friends in high school.   Wonder what she would be like now, and remember her smile and how she loved Christmas.  I remember Lavan Robinson, who was in charge of music at the small church I grew up in in my hometown.  Every Christmas Eve he would sing “Oh Holy Night” in a way that would give you chills, because his voice was so clear and beautiful. I can’t hear that song without thinking of him, and the many years I heard him sing it at Midnight mass. And most of all, I think of my best friend who I lost this year. I miss his text messages he would send almost every day.  And I miss just knowing that he was out there, that a human being as wonderful as he, was out there in the world. He and his wife were married on Christmas Eve, so this will be a rough holiday for her.

This year we are taking a Christmas tree to Mom and Dad’s and decorating it for them. There will be much love, laughter and hot chocolate no doubt. It is a time of being excited about gifts.  Don’t you just love it when you have a gift for someone that you know that are going to absolutely love?  I get so excited that it’s hard for me to wait. That is actually the reason I don’t buy gifts early – because I get so excited that I end up giving them before Christmas. (or at least that’s my story)

There are gifts for me under the tree …and they are driving me crazy.  I have been told that I can’t touch them…but when have I ever listened when told what to do? (It’s that problem with authority).  So I just gaze at them longingly from across the room by day. But they whisper to me at night…”come shake me,” they say softly in my ear. And so I must.  Still can’t figure out that they are. Which makes it all the more delicious.

And then there are all the Christmas Yummies.  Those are all the delicious things that are at the office, at the parties or just around at Christmas. There is a reason why most people gain weight during this time of year. And I already told all everyone if they notice a few extra pounds on me, I really don’t care. Because I am not going to pass up any Christmas Yummies. Life is short. Eat the chocolate. I can go to the gym when I’m dead. Besides, 70% of people make New Year’s resolutions to lose weight and eat healthier. I wouldn’t want to be left out. So this season, it’s all about the base.

But oh, I am so sleepy. While visions of sugar plums may dance on the heads of others, I think of a warm bad, soft blankets and squishy pillows. I think of curling up with my furry babies, all warm and nestled down in the covers. There are warm socks to wear, books to read, movies to watch while snuggling on the couch. Because it is also the season of small perfect moments and warm rooms. Mostly because, all because, it is the season of love.

New Year, Birthdays and Taking Risks

Sometimes, one of the hardest things about writing is figuring out the opening sentence or line that might catch someone’s attention get them reading further and deeper. Just sitting down to write this post, I have come up with quite a few opening lines:

• It’s that time of year again…my birthday month!!!
• Just when you thought you were safe from another “New Year” blog
• As I sit here, in my PJ’s…

And sometimes, planning out the next year can be just as challenging.  I for one, am beyond happy to see the end of 2014, and am ecstatic about 2015. There is a sense of optimism and happiness. But how does one go about changing their life for the better exactly?  Not sure on that one, though many thousands of books have been written, and many thousands more no doubt.  Maybe it’s really not an exact science. Maybe it’s all by trial and error. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a compass to tell us where to go for that good life we want, or when we may be veering off track? A magic 8 Ball that really did have all the answers?

First I want to take care of myself.  Like many women, I stopped taking care of myself and took care of others instead. And when all was said and done, I was sitting on empty.  That is changing. I now look around at at empty house (except for the cats) and realize that I am bound by nothing…The world is mine to find adventure, with new things to trip over, places to fall into and new drinks to spill. I am picking up where I left off so to speak and it feels good. And scary. And exciting. And overwhelming.

I stopped working out and exercising. I stopped hiking, Stopped going to live music shows, or the botanical gardens. I quit fixing my hair, trying make up things and just having a bit of fun and enjoyment in general.  And adventure doesn’t have to be far from home, as long as you stay curious and keep quality people around you. For example, I had the best New Years I have had in a very long time. The best thing in the world, is when you are having such a wonderful time that you loose track and don’t even realize it’s midnight…

“Well behaved women seldom make history “- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

And I want to take a vacation this year. On a beach. I miss the beach,  miss the water. It’s calling my name. FINALLY publishing my book is on the list. I had to put it down to tend to other things and now, just like the rest of my life, it’s time to start it back up again. So if any of you know any publishers….

Exercise. The Dreadmill, the bane of my existence. But exercise I will. Not just to loose a few pounds, but because I felt better when I was exercising.  And I have set up a wonderful workout/zen area in my bedroom that will be perfect for rain day workouts and Pilates. Also, the garage is organized with space for the heavy bag. Yes, it’s time to start boxing again! And maybe even jog around the neighborhood if it ever quits raining. If not, boating around the neighborhood, that could be good exercise too.

I am not going to take on so much crap from others. I can help and be kind without putting myself out or sacrificing myself for them. This may seem counter intuitive to having Grace, which I am also seeking. But I think they can go hand in had. In order to have Grace, you do not have to be a doormat. You have to set realistic and healthy boundaries for yourself and life. I have not done the best of either in the past.

“Do one thing that scares you every day.” – Elenore Roosevelt

But the main thing for this next year, is to take more risks and chances. When we play it too safe, we forget how to really live. And sometimes the best thing you can do is step out of the comfort zone and grow. I want to do this with life and especially love. Someone sent me a picture they have of the word “Love” written in the sand on thebeach. That is what I want my life to be, full of love, life and sand this year. And it’s of to a wonderful start.

But I am also reminded of something I read not long ago, and that in order to be flexible, we must have stability. So, before any adventuring into the sunset happens, I must first find that stable foundation from which to build and spring my life.  Maybe that is why I am taking much care in getting the house unpacked and situated. And after being displaced by the mold, it is great to finally be able to relax and have a home in which to settle.

And there it is, my new year, for the age of 42.  And each heartbeat carries all the hopes, dreams and fears that go along with them too. And so it is, that I start this celebration of my birthday month. A celebration of life, of anticipation, of passion, of chances and of love. And they bring an enthusiasm that boils up from that deep place inside, past the mind, into the soul and back again.

 

 

The Oposite of Seasons

This is the season for parties, festivities, socializing, seeing old friends, making new friends and just a lot of hustle and bustle. It is a season of extraverts. But this season I am feeling anything but extravert.

This year I am feeling very be cozy and warm mama bearish. I just want to be home, or with a close circle of friends. Yes, the invites have been pouring in for this and that.  And surely these are people whose company I have enjoyed in the past. But my couch is so very comfortable and the fire is warm.

This year, after being terrible displaced from my home due to toxic mold, I am more appreciative of e safe place to hang my hat.  I want to make this space warm and welcoming to all those whom I love and care.

And as the pictures of festive parties, pretty dresses, fixed hair, perfect make up and lots of drinks are posted on Facebook and other social media outlets, I smile and click like from the comfort and warmth of my own hearth, on my flannel PJ’s and fuzzy socks (yes, super sexy, I know).

I sip wine and listen to my favorite music, unpacking, organizing, arranging furniture and getting settled.  And who says you have to be and about on the town seeing and being seen to be social? I have my friends close by, still meeting for dinners and drinks.  I run to theirs or they come to mine. It is nice and quiet and small and quaint.

There is home cooking – soups and sauces, new recipes and old favorite, smells and fragrances filling the house. Putting up and decorating the Christmas tree, with all the old ornaments from childhood that make me smile and love my parents. There is eggnog and mistletoe and kisses and laughter. There is the gentleness of starting over.

And sometimes, in the big world, it is good to be small and close.  It is good to make sure that all of our fingers and toes and accounted for and painted pretty colors, enjoying the small comforts that build the foundation of a good and happy life. Sometimes the small celebrations are even more meaningful than the big ones.

And sometimes, when it is all said and done, it is the building of many of those small moments that make a life worth living and loving. Sometimes being the opposite of the season is what gives it it’s meaning.

The Eve

It is this night, this eve, this moment in time, after which my life will not ever be the same. And on this is eve, there is excitement, fear, happiness and calm. There are lists of things that need to be done, and the desire to just relax and enjoy the fireflies.

It is this eve that marks a new time, a new chapter and new life going forward.  It is an eve to treasure each. and. every. moment. Because this is the last eve that everything will be the same.

And after this eve, I will look back at tonight, and all those that came before, and be thankful for it all, the good and the bad.

And so it, on this eve.

Thank You Vegas

We all have those times were we feel as if we are climbing out of a big dark pit. And we all have that moment where we realize we can finally feel the sun on our faces and have managed to climb out. This recently happened to me, when I took a trip to a place called Las Vegas.

While I can’t really say that I came back rested (it was Vegas after all), but there was much more peace when the plane landed, than when it took off. Sometimes, just having the chance to step away, gain some distance and perspective is the key. Sometimes, just being able to relax and not be surrounded and submerged in all that was is enough to wake us up.

For me it was a combination of all of that, and the company I was with. First, it’s hard not to have a great time in Vegas, it’s just a fun place to be. My friend and I have traveled together before, and we always have a good time together. Even though we had not seen each other in a few years, we seemed to fall into our easy rhythm within a few minutes. There is something very comfortable with him, and he is one of the few people I trust. I feel safe. Maybe it’s his gentle, unassuming way of things.

After the past few months, it was wonderful to just be. To laugh, explore, gamble a bit (am am terrible at gambling, unless it’s with fake money), drink a bit, enjoy some food and people watch. There was a show Cirque De Solie (I know that it’s misspelled and I’ll care after the next cup of coffee), front row seats. You really get to see great detail when sitting that close, and as a stage and theater junkie, I loved it.

Hoover Dam was next and that was fascinating. When you see the enormity of it, of what they did and how they did it, without any of the modern technology, the risks they took and how well done it was, you feel really proud. I felt proud of your country, of the men who worked on it, and the ingenuity and vision it took to make it happen. Wow. And it was just cool. We walked across it, on a beautiful day with clear blue skies. I felt free, for the first time in a long time. If those men could do all of that, then my life can be just as magnificent.

Then there was downtown Vegas, which is different from the Strip. It feels more like a fair than anything else, with the scent of food from the street vendors, people walking around in costume (You take their pictures for tips, lots of people, loud 80’s rock music and a laser light show on the outdoor ceiling. I love the Golden Nugget Casino and the buffet there is quite yummy.

Upon return I felt lighter, albeit tired, but much happier. I just needed a little trip to bring me back to life, so to speak. To remind me that life is to be enjoyed. The past year is over, all those struggles are done, my tasks are complete. Now I move forward building my life, my own Hoover Dam.

Work hard, play harder, love completely, and laugh often. So thank you to my friend, for inviting out to play, thank you Vegas for being such a gracious host and playground, and thank you life.

Getting th Groove

Getting into the groove

I remember helping my Mom in the garden a few years ago. We were sitting, taking each one of the little bean plants she planted, and slowly winding them up on a string, so that they would grow up on the string and be easier to pick. We started in the morning, as we drank coffee, each of us working in peaceful silence next to each other, in complete comfort.

After s o many plants, you actually get a rhythm going. And gently, without breaking the tender baby vines, you wind them up and move on to the next. All day we did this, breaking only for more coffee. And it that gentle morning, I was deep in thought. And it occurred to me that life is very much like winding those little bean sprouts up the string. There is a process for everything, and it takes time to naturally unfold.

This past week is the first I really feel like I have my rhythm and groove back. I am taking care of myself, getting rest, unpacking, eating healthy(ish). As soon as it’s warm and not raining, I’ll take a good run/walk in the hills of the neighborhood. I have been taking the time to enjoy and relish in those little perfect moments, taking time to cry when the emotion hits me, and being honest enough to say I am a bit vulnerable right now, so handle with care. It feels good to admit that, it’s actually very freeing to not have to be tough all the time, to allow myself to be “soft.”

And surprisingly, at least to me, it is received well. There are hugs, holding hands, kind thoughts and words, well wishes, and sincere smiles.

And the result, is more laughter, more smile, more feeling alive than I have in about a year. To really allow myself to just be, whatever it is I am at that moment, is wonderful.And in doing so, I let go, with each heartbeat, all that I have carried. Yes, I am getting my balance, my rhythm, my life and spirit back. Yes, the spring in my step has returned. It is spring, and just like those little bean sprouts, it is time to grow, to bloom and to be magnificent. I am coming alive again.   I am returning to my life, returning to enjoy all accomplishments my hard work has brought to fruition. I have come back to have what is mine.

All I l have to do is trust, believe and follow the natural process.

And that is how this girl gets her groove back. I am a new morning.

Finding Lent

It’s forty days every year, between Ash Wednesday and Easter, that many stop and reflect.  Every year I celebrate Lent by giving something up (chocolate this year…can’t wait to eat my Cadbury Crème Eggs!) and taking something on. It is a time to rededicate myself to all that is important spiritually. A time to reconnect with inner self, God and my inner voice. And to really listen.

This year is a special time for me, as so many new and wonderful things have entered into my life as of late. I have so very much the be thankful for. But yet there has been a lot of struggle to get here, and there are a lot of emotions left over.

My career has skyrocketed, with more to do now than every before. In addition to my full time job, I am interviewing someone this week for an article I am writing for the AJC. I have had articles published in magazines, but never the ADJ – a notionally circulated newspaper!  It’s very exciting.

Agents are calling me wanting me to update headshots, resumes and classes for acting. And then there is the business of my book….I put it down a while ago to support my sister. Now it is time to pick it back up, along with many other things…like eating right and exercising. Things that got out of whack over the last year.

So this year, my Lenton Disciplines are a little different. They are more about taking care of myself and getting myself back up and running, so I have more to offer the world and those around me. The old saying is true, to give to others you must first take care of yourself; because if you don’t, you will not have anything to offer. I have learned this the hard way.

Taking care of everyone else last year, has left me torn and ragged this year. And my Lenton Disciplines also involved what to do about all those left over emotions from everything that has taken place. All of the loss, betrayal, lies and shape shifting.

What do I do with all the anger I have for my sister and her husband? What do I do with the feelings of betrayal concerning my former friends and landlords; all that they did, all the lies that were told? How do I dissipate the disappointment, resentment and aching from walking away from the only sister I have ever really known? How do I deal with the fact that because of her psychological condition, I have had to keep her out of my life?

I don’t know the answer to these questions…but I do know that this year, this Lent, I am to have faith, put one foot in front of the other, work as hard and as good as I can to be the best writer I can, to tell the stories in the best way possible, and to take the time to listen to God’s voice on the stillness. The stillness of the quiet in the night, the sunrise and it comes through my bedroom window in the morning, the silence that is in those moments. And I am to find joy in my life, and the good things that are coming forth. And in those things, in that stillness and silence, in that Faith, in that joy…I hope to find the Grace which I seek. The fullness of God and what he wants for me and the opportunities which He has given me.

And if I put my whole heart into it…there it will be. And I hope to let go…

Home Ownership 101

We all have experiences that teach us a lot. And I am going to learn a tremendous amount by being a home. The whole process has been quite an eye opening experience, from dealing with the “haters,” to dealing with a difficult closing (the investors had not discussed how the proceeds from the sale would be divided, and argued about it – at the closing), to the fine art of moving items up stairs. I have been in the house less than a week, and have learned a lot already. Like what, you ask?

Well, like how to fix my own dryer. My dryer had a four –pronged plug, the outlet had three. So this little girl broke out the tool box and re-wire the new plug onto the old dryer. Being a non-mechanical klutz, I was very proud of myself for doing this successfully. I can now dry clothes till my hearts content!

And then I managed to figure out my wireless router and how to get the network back up. Yes, me, who can barely work my iPhone, got the wireless network up, though I am not sure exactly how I did it.

Then there is planting trees. Yes, I have planted a small tree or two on the property…proof that I can indeed use a shovel (no one has found any of the bodies yet, so the tree is proof). The fine art of breaking down boxes is also something very important to learn as well. Tomorrow I learn about how to install a top security system, even better than the one I had. I am also learning about installing TV’s on the wall. I have learned the importance of being able to do these things yourself, because living in one of the worst traffic jam areas in the country, my wonderful guy friends may not always be able to make it to the house.  And it is nice to have friends over when it is just to visit. I have learned that I am very loved and so many are willing to help and to celebrate.

As is meeting the neighbors – how to do it, when to do it and what to say. This may sound very simple and basic – it’s just meeting people. But it is a little more than that when you are a single girl, and requires a bit if finesse. You have to make sure you are friendly, but not too friendly – you want the wives to like you. The kind of girl they want to introduce you to their cute single friend…not the kind of girl they have to keep away from their husbands.

I have learned that I am in a wonderful family neighborhood, where the kids still ride their bikes and climb trees, where the parents play catch in the front yard, and where people know each other. I have learned that this is where I want to be living, because these are my kind of people. And if I have learned that much, and it hasn’t even been a week, imagine how much more I will learn in time.

Never stop learning, growing, experiencing and being curious. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. Always look around and find the next thing to do, see, learn. Life is so big, and I cannot wait!

A Moment

It is the rush of the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, dinners, decorating and family get-togethers. It is a time that we seem to rush around, hardly time to do anything besides get to the next thing we have to do. And this holiday season seems to be busier than those past.

But last night I took a walk in my quiet little neighborhood. I listened to the silence of the evening, looked at the lights and Christmas decorations that were around. There were children playing in the distance, laughing and running. I thought about my life, and the past year. All of the ups and downs, all of the events that made it 2013.

And through all of it all, there have been so many blessings woven in, even the bad times. I just needed some time and space to see them. And isn’t that how it always is? Things always seem to work out for the best, and end up just as they should. We just may not ever be able to predict the road that gets us there.

This year I have seen love, loss, heartache, joy, anger, Peace, struggles, having money, being poor, letting go, hanging on, breathing in, cleaning out and rising up .I have supported my family and had others support and help me. When I think back at just what has happened in the past year, it’s almost overwhelming to think of it all.

But I am so very thankful for being here, right now, in this place. It’s been a long road, but Bliss is all around. And it had taken a lot of work. Many think that happiness just lands in a persons lap. It doesn’t. It’s a decision you make and re-make every day. Work you do to keep it every day. But it’s worth it, to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

So this holiday season, take .a moment. Pause and reflect. Eve for those for whom the holidays are difficult, take pause and look around. When you do, I promise you will see wonderful things around you . No matter where you are, it could be worse, but it’s not. And the good thing is if you feel like you are at the bottom, there is now where to go but up.

Take a moment, see the lights and the decorations. Enjoy the cold crisp air. Notice the energy of others around you. Enjoy your favorite TV shows, some hot tea, or a warm bowl of soup. Because it’s the small things that add up to making a good life. But we must take time to appreciate them.

So take a moment.

No Regrets

I have no regrets, looking back on the landscape if this year, in this life. I have no regrets on what I have done and what has been left undone.

There are no words that haunt me, spoken or kept still. No actions that trouble my soul, no undone thrill.

There are no tears that have been dried or kept at bay, or escaping down my cheek from rims of wide weary eyes, that partake in regret.

No longing set free, no feelings left unturned. There is nothing to look back upon, and wish another way for me.

And as I look back, standing at the edge of this year, this long, hard, undone, overdone year, there is nothing that makes me want a other walk down the path or choose another road than the one I have traveled.

There has been compassion and contention, love, discord, pain and happiness. More joy than one can hold, more sorrow than one should endure. There have been sacrifices and giving of self, hiding, finding, sipping and devouring…it all.

I am all of it, every bit. The complete all of it, the unfinished of it, the breadth and depth of it. I am glad for it all, the good bad and the big and small.

I have no regrets waking up with you, all of you and your deals, wet from us and warm with skin on mine. No regrets of swimming, riding with my bare feet on the dash or taking a shower in the rain. No regrets sitting, listening to drops on the tin roof, in your little place. No regrets of you at all.

No regrets for fighting for family and what is right. None for being brave, saying what is felt and what should have been said long ago. No regrets for the love and loss of the year as it has passed.No regrets for the mistakes and lessons learned.

There has been hard work, harder play and many things let go this year. I carried the map of my life with every. Single. Heartbeat. And you were there too. Yes you.

Books have been read, put down and some left unfinished. Thoughts written down and lost or erased from time. And still, no regrets. Nooks and crannies have been explored, many prayers said and blessing given. Dreams have come to fruition, nightmares have been banished beneath the cloak of in in which they came.

I have carried this heart, heavy with sorrow and joy, across this country, in cars, in airplanes, in boats, up on a horse in hiking trails, in the woods, in the city, to work, to run, in water, in the anonymity of the night, and the harsh light of day.

This year, this 12 months, I have been the judge and jury, been judged and done the judging, been right, wrong, black, white and gray. I have laid it all out and picked up the deck.

And at the end of this year, this moment in my life, there is Peace. There is happiness. Mostly because, all because, you have been in my heart.

40 Years is Not Long Enough

40 years is not enough time to spend with your Mama.

I walked in the room, and she looked so tiny and small. She didn’t look sick at all, in fact she looked beautiful, almost angelic. Her eyes lit up when she saw my mother and me, and she smiled.  We both hugged her and she immediately started telling my mother how she needed to quit smoking. But Patsy was too weak to talk, so she wrote out notes and made motions. She seemed amused most of the time as we tried to figure out what she was saying, as if we were playing charades.

Bossy as ever, I thought and smiled.

Then she tells me that I smell of cigarettes too, since my mother and I rode in the same car. She writes down how she remembered getting after me for standing with my head in the freezer for several minutes one summer that is was particularly hot. We all laughed, as I had not thought of that memory for years.

There are certain people in your life who have a profound effect on you. There are those who are family by choice, who you love just as much as if they were blood. Patsy is one of those people for me. She is my best friend’s mother growing up. She is my second mother. And there are so many memories as the years have gone by; 28 years to be exact.

I met Patsy when I was just 12 years old and was the mother of the first girl I met in my new school in 7^th grade. Her daughter and I became fast friends, having sleep-overs, passing notes in class, talking about boys, planning our lives at that tender young age And Patsy was always there, always keeping a loving but stern and watchful eye over us, making sure we stayed out of trouble. And we did, most of the time.

And somehow, just like my Mom, she knew where we were and what we were doing, all of the time. If we sneezed, she knew. It made it very difficult to misbehave in our small town, so we just gave up trying. That alone kept me out of more trouble than I like to admit.

She raised 4 children – 3 boys and 1 girl, on her own. She ran a business – a plant nursery that never seemed to close. She is a hard worker, honest in business, loyal to a fault and very much from Tennessee.  I love hearing her speak, as her thick accent rolls out. She laughs easily and always has some advice to give this wayward woman.

And even when her daughter and I would have a falling out, as young girls often do, she and I would always speak. She still looked after me.

And when it was time for me to move out of my parents house…I moved across town to a little house she owned, where her daughter and I lived as friends and roommates. She charged us $100 per person to live in that house (oh, how I wish rent was that low now!) She was there with us every day, as the house was on the same property as her business.

She made sure we ate right, studied for school and were generally well behaved. She made sure that we didn’t let any of our friends drive our cars, since we were not the ones who paid the insurance. She would let us know when that house was just too messy for any of her girls. And no boys spending the night, as she would want to know why they were there on her property if she didn’t know them. It also helped that she and my mother were very good friends too.

And then I talked to my old friend from so long ago. Her mother, my 2^nd Mom, is dying. Of cancer, and it is too far for any treatment. And what treatments might work, her mother has refused. She is ready to go. And it broke my heart to hear the news.

And so it is, and I am thankful that this wonderful woman has been my second mother, a steadfast friend to my mother, someone who I could always talk to and who echoed my family’s values. And I love her with all of my heart. I will miss her, but am so very glad for the time with her, to say good bye and let her know how much she means to be. And I thank God for her being in my life.

Freedom

I swam in the ocean and played like a child. I did back flips, hand stands and the back stroke. I let the current of the ocean carry me as I floated on the surface. I swam underwater, like a fish, seeing how long I could hd my breath before coming up to the surface for that first gasp of air when my lungs felt like they are going to burst. There was an excitement, an innocents that coursed through my veins as I felt the water against my skin.

At first the water was almost too cold, but then as my body adjusted tot he temperature, it felt refreshing and I was energized. The entire sea in front of me, with all the mystery it holds. All it’s secrets being whispered to me in the currents.

It had been almost two years since I swam in the ocean. Almost two years since I did back flips and let the water carry me. And it was wonderful.

It makes you appreciate the cool fresh salty air of the sea. And to feel the soft breeze across my damp face was pure heaven. And I saw God, in the sea, int he sky, in the everything of the moment. And I knew He had me in his hands and that all was well in my world.

There were hot Krispy Kreme donuts in bed, melting in my mouth from the first bite to the last. There was laughter, wine and dancing. There was the innocence and playfulness of a child. It was freedom.

Aaaand, Im Back!

Ada Lamar has been dark for over 6 months as I took a break from this blog. The time away has been wonderful and filled with much magic. Life is filled with long walks, long talks, lots of family, hope, dreams, love, hand holding and wine. There has been much writing, a career I love, meeting great people, making stronger bonds with old friends, midnight gardening by the moonlight, travel, sunburns, house cleaning and warm sheets. Along the way there has been good news, bad news, tears and laughter. Lots of desserts, plans, saying goodbye and many hello’s. Prayers, fights, triumphs, motorcycle rides, roller derbies, boxing, running, playing and working. Sweat equity, painting, organizing, consolidating, planning, building staining hammering, learning and eating.

And every step pf the way, every heartbeat along the road, for everything I have carried and all that I have let go, I am happy and life is good.

And I look forward to writing about many more adventures to come!

Of Prayers Family and Grace

Prayers for Dad

We all have those moments that just get right down to the core of you. My family and I have been so very blessed, but still there is worry.

Two months ago he came up for a very large dose of chemo. Today there is the MRI to find if the chemo worked or if the tumors are still in his liver.

All signs are good that the tumors are gone. But still there is worry. When you love someone, no matter how faithful you are, there is still worry and a bit of fear. You want those you love to be healthy. And when there is a chance that they are not, then it sits in your stomach like a ball of lead. It stays in your mind and on your heart.

So if you are a person of faith, please say a prayer that the chemo worked. That he is healthy and will not need any more treatments. Thank you.

Grace in Motion

I have written much about my search for Grace. I have prayed for it, sought it out, taken deep breaths to attain it. And I have, many times in the last few months, been very proud of the Grace I have displayed when others have hurt me. But even I have my limits.

It seems I have Grace for the most part…except when I need it most. This past week has been an example. This past week, a few things happened that cut me to the core. Deep cuts born from lies others have told, lied about those lies and left me wondering why I did not see them before now.

And it is during these times that I need Grace the most. But then I am only human, and even though I strive for Grace at all times, I have slipped a time or two. Between those events happening, anxiety over my father’s health and a bad case of PMS with a shortage of chocolate, I have been a girl in a mad mood on a mission.

And that is part of being human, you make mistakes, react in bad ways sometimes, try and fail, fall short of what you want to be, try again harder, and hopefully you learn a but along the way.

Our lives are always in motion, moving forward, moving on, moving past everything before it. And as I take a deep breath, I have to let go of the fear, of my father’s health, of being betrayed again, of more lies, of frustration, of being hurt. Because as our lives are in motion, so is our Grace, and compassion and empathy for others.

Grace is defined as: Mercy; clemency. To give kindness and consideration beyond what is deserved. I have not followed this definition as I should have. This is something that can be difficult for a fiery red-head to learn. One would thing that if you have found Peace as I have, Grace would not be far behind. But the art of Grace is just that, an art. And maybe one has a  lot of training in order to get it right.

I am a work in motion, as is the Grace that I strive to practice on a daily basis. Every day starts a new, with promises of mistakes not to be made.

Thankful Day 14 and 15

Day 14, Doctors: I am thankful for the doctors who have kept my family healthy and alive. 12 years ago my mother was diagnosed with stage 4+ Ovarion cancer. Last year my father was diagnosed with Liver cancer. Both are still alive and well today, thanks to amazing doctors and a lot of prayer.

Day 15, Coffee: Today I am thankful for coffee. It is the necter of the Gods and it makes me very happy. Coffee keeps me awake and able to not kill people on my drive into work.

The Goals

The Goal Board is complete and it feels good. There is something about putting my life in order, having goals and such to work toward. Along with pictures of what I want to do in the next year, there are quotes that mirror what I want to be and what I need to work on personally. What are my goals for the next year? To do more photography, to re connect with friends that I have not had the time to see and talk to in the past year because of life, I want to go horseback riding, go zip-lining, do something new like what water rafting or such. I want to knit, and be at Peace enough to be still. And I can’t wait to knit my loved ones blankets.

In addition, I am working towards Peace, Grace, wisdom and patience. So there are also quotes such as”

“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill” – Buddha

“Ask God for Confidence to slay any giants in your life that have set themselves against God’s plan for you”

“Your work is to discover your world and the with all your heart, give yourself to it” – Buddha

I like these quotes because one of the things I need to work on is not forcing a situation, not being defensive, taking a breath and backing off.  While the last relationship would not have worked because he was just divorced, I did make mistakes. When I saw him backing away and I and the relationship were not a priority, I should have said nothing and completely backed off, instead of freaking out and being clingy. Clingy is not sexy. Had I been in a healthy emotional space, I would have done exactly that. Insecurity and being defensive is not sexy or healthy. So this is changing now, not waiting until next year.

I did sneak a bit about love in there. Two people holding hands because I don;t need anything fast, I need slow.  I got into trouble with the last two and allowing myself to fall quickly. Never again. I do want to be in love, lots of kisses in the rain, snuggling on the couch, holding hands and such, I must remember to go slow so I do not get burned again. So just friends and companionship…get to know and see if friendship grows from there. I should have done that in the last relationship when it was offered, but I didn’t know how.

I am excited about my goals for the next year. The rest of 2012 is going to be great, and 2013 will be wonderful. And one of the things is to take more pictures, so here they are.

My Goal Board

My Goals: Be calm, breath, be patient, back off. There are times to be quiet and still

The section representing me getting back to my happy and healthy self.

I want to learn in the next year: Knitting, being still, zip lining, rafting, horseback riding and Photography

Good advice for me…and just letting go in general.

Gives me Peace to know

About my writing

Don’t forget to enjoy life with all your heart and take chances.

 

Definition

What defines us? As people? As humans? As individuals?  I don;t think that there is one thing that can define a person, as we are all multi-layered and complex. Flawed.  Good and bad.  We are, in fact, made up of may definition, just as we are made up of many parts. As just as our parts, we are for more rich that just the sum…because along with all of our parts and definitions, there is an intangible quality that is brought with the whole of us.

That which defines us, is liquid. It can change at any time, because we ourselves, are so multifaceted that we may also seem liquid. The Truth is, it just depends on which angle and light from which you catch the view.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a lover, a co-worker, a girlfriend, an enemy, a stranger, a driver, an actor, a model, a girl, an American, a Southerner, and human, a sing-in-the-shower-er, a klutz, a romantic, a procrastinator, a spectator…and too many more too list. Ands what you see me as, depends as much as your view as it does the angle in which you see me.

There are things in my life, that I have done, in which I am proud, and there are things I have done which I am ashamed. I have gone back and read the hand-written story of my life in the pages of my journal, in my own handwriting, and cried, been proud, been terrified, been ashamed, been happy and been sad at what I read. There are times I really wanted to know the person in those pages, and times when I hated her. And they are all what defines me…and more.

And maybe that is it, our definition is a combination of our experiences, thoughts, beliefs, personality, views and opinions, as well as all those of what others think and view of us. Certainly there is not a single person who is liked or loved by everyone. And who one person would say is a saint, certainly someone else may say is the devil. It all depends on the definition others see us by as well.

But maybe the most important definition is that which we give to ourselves. And tat which we strive to reach. I want top be better. I strive to be less defensive, more open, have more Grace and patience, have more compassion. I pray that I worker harder and be more engaged and a better friend to those who love me. And work hard to e a better writer and deeper explorer of the human condition. And I strive to reach more depth of understanding in my dealing and comprehension of others.

And I pray, that I never stop adding definitions of who and what I am.

Let Go and Exhale

It is a term that we here quite often. Let go. Just breath and let go. Exhale. It is letting go of control of a situation and letting is develop as it will. We all know that is what we are supposed to do in life. Do what we can, then let go and let it happen.

For me this is very hard to do as I am just not used to it. I have to be very assertive in  my life – I am a writer and any contracts I get or freelance jobs I do, I am the one who must go out and get them.  And when I get a great corporate contract, I  must be assertive to get my job done. Learn fast, write it well, talk to SME’s.

And even in my family, I am the doer. They depend on  me to find out the information, to get to the bottom of whatever to is, they rust me to take care of it. And I do. Add to this the fact that I have been on my own for 20 years now. Everything I have , I have had on my own. I am determined. And in my life it has been that if I don’t do it, it won;t get done.

So, how in my personal life, can I just let go? And not do or assert?

I don’t know. I am learning and trying it now. But it is hard. It takes trust…trust in those around you, trust in God and Faith in Him. I takes Grace.  It takes patience. And I am a patient woman, as long as I know it will all turn out the way I want. But when I don’t know is when it’s hard. But then we get to a point where we must exhale. We have been holding our breath and holding on…and then we must let go. We say our prayers and put in in God’s hands.

But letting go does not mean walking away. Quite the contrary. It just means you recognize that you cannot force the heart. So you let go, pray, hope, have patience and Grace. And you know, eep down, that all is as it should be.

Spring Fever and Fall Momentum

This summer has been so hot, with triple digits or close, for several months. Now, in September, it is starting to cool off. Highs during the day in the low 80’s, lows at night in the 60’s. Finally cool enough to fall asleep at night with the windows open. I feel like I have not only had to endure being cooped up inside all winter, then for this almost unbearable hot summer. I moved the Dreadmill treadmill out of the garage and inside in front of the fireplace (it’s not like I’ll need fireplace).

Tired of staring at the walls and itching to be outside, I decided to take a hike.

Driving listening to Simon and Garfunkle, which is perfect tree hugging, nature loving, go hiking music. The drive was a little over an hour outside of Atlanta, windows down, radio up, my longish hair with the wind blowing through it. It was perfect. When I was younger I would drive just for the joy of it, when gas was less than $1 a gallon. I once drive 1000 miles in one day.  And so I drove into the country, passing intersections with names like Settledown Road and Knockem Out Drive. Past old sheds and antiques stores, past Bar-B-Q eats and places to buy country jellies and jams. Past the pumpkin patches, horse farms and pastures.

I have been to some of the most wonderful restaurants like The 4 Seasons and Ritz Carlton, been flown in private jets to little islands…but the one place that gives me the most peace is being out in nature. Trees, birds..it is life. I have lived in NYC and Atlanta, but the best place in the world is the country.  And what better way to honor God on a Sunday?

And so I arrived at this wonderful spot, one of my favorite places to hike, Amicalola Falls. And I hiked, I saw birds and bugs, trees, flowers, streams and water falls. And I saw God. And while I walked I saw the wonder of my life. All the little miracles, small though significant, in the world. And I was grateful.

And as I hiked, I let it all go. All the hurt and disappointment of the past. All the fear of the future. All the insecurities, the doubts, the heart-wretching anxiety. I let it all go, as I huffed up the steep hills, ignoring the burning in my calves. I let it all go, all that I had carried.  All the heartbreak with my Dad and his health, all the legal stress, all the work worries, all the relationship issues, all the tears, all the everything that can never be written or read.

Anyone who has hiked Amicalola Falls is familiar with the trail leading up to the top…and the 600 steps to get there. Yes, that’s 600. As in 175 steps on the first pass, 425 on the second pass. So, after hiking steeply uphill for a mile, I hiked up those 600 steps. I am a runner, and I ran 2 miles just the night before, but these steps were a challenge. But there is something delicious in pushing your body. And indeed, as my thighs burned, sweat dipping down in parts I forgot I had, and breathing hard, I went up, and up, and up higher still.  Determined, I pushed forward, determined to push the “I can’t do this” out of my head.

And I shed the layers of all I was holding onto. It was as if I unzipped myself and walked out. And when I reached the top, winded and out of breath, I somehow felt lighter. And indeed I was. Looking out at the top, feeling the wind against my skin, breathing the fresh air and feeling the warm sunshine, I was giddy in the fact that I had made it, shaky legs and all.

Needless to say, hiking back down was much easier than the way up, which is almost always the case in life. I went down those 600 steps without tripping, even once, which for those who know me, is almost unbelievable. And I have decided that this Fall, there should be many hiking trips, fall festivals, pumpkins and fresh air.

And so it is with this fall season. The year is wrapping up and after climbing treacherous hills and mountains, I am finally on the journey down. I can finally start to relax and let the lightness of letting go carry me downhill. Trust, comfort, love, Family, Faith, patience, compassion and kindness carry me. And slip my hand into another to share in the wonderful momentum of Fall.

The Freakout Week

We all need it, especially after bad news. No, I am not talking about large amounts of alcohol and chocolate, though that may help. I mean what  my friends and I referre to as The Freak out Week. It is the week after you receive said news, and it is your time to completely freak out and be an emotional basket-case. You give your self permission to just be a shitty basket case.

If you want to be irritable, you are. If you want to spontaneously combust into tears at any given moment, you can. If you need to consume large amounts of alcohol and chocolate, you do. you talk, cry, eat, drink and cry. If you need to throw shoes across the room, you do. You are just a hot mess every moment during thisweek. And your friends are right there for you every step of the way. And that has defiantly been me.

And I am so thankful for my family and friend this past week, who have been there for me, having the difficult conversations and holding me while I cry. I am glad my sister was the one who told me and was there – when I woke her up at 2am one morning sobbing, scared and tired, with red eyes and tear stained cheeks, shaking, asking questions. I am thankful for her sleepy look, her kind re-assuring words, her being my rock in that moment. My dear, wonderful older sister, taking care of me as she often has in those dark moments of life.

The freak out week is not a pity party, but rather a way to get it all out of your system so to speak. And when that week is over, you can come back down to earth a calmer person, ready to handle what ever challenges come about. After my week of completely freaking out over my father’s health and possible prognosis, I feel much better and can move forward and be a rock for the family.

Looking back when my Mother was diagnosed with stage 4+ Ovarian Cancer, there was a freak out week as well. That week was much different though – Mom was in the hospital barely conscious due to all the medication, and I watched over her. I got about 2 hours of sleep that entire week and then drove back  up to Atlanta to shoot a commercial. The make up artist noticed the dark circles under my eyes and asked if I had been out partying all night. I just smiled and said, “Yes, something like that.” So in comparison, this week of freak out is going much better.

And you have to learn to laugh about these things. Humor keeps you sane in the midst of chaos. Faith keeps you grounded and your heart safe. I remember a wonderful friend of the family whose mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy. The first time I met her, he walked in the room, looked at her and said “I heard a joke today that was so funny it would knock your boobs off. Oh, I see you’ve heard it!” I froze in horror. How could he talk to his mother that way? She busted out in laughter and gave him a huge hug. Many years and two parents’ illnesses later, I now understand what he was doing.

And so it goes. And I wonder what the future will bring, for our family. I don’t know, but what I do know is that we are strong in faith and close in our hearts. And whatever happens, we will make it through, we will be there for each other and we will be OK. Even Dad, as Gods Will be done. He will give us the strength, courage and grace we need. If you are reading this and are a person of faith, please say a prayer.

Over You

I woke up this morning with a light heart. I wondered why I felt so good, so light and happy. I hummed while I got dressed excited about the beautiful day ahead. And as I went about my day, doing tasks, enjoying the sun and breeze, listening to great music, it dawned on me that I was over you.

The thought of you no longer tortures me. I no longer miss you or long to hear your voice. The residue your presence left on my life, my mind and my heart, has been washed away by an ocean of tears. Peace remains. The life we would have shared would not have been my own, but yours, borrowed and frayed. I deserve to share a life of Our Own.

There is no remorse, there are no regrets. Loving and giving of your self is never a mistake.  But I move on now, smarter, stronger, better than I was before. And I have you to thank. A smile reaches my lips when I think of the memories of the man who woke me from my slumber. You were that gift to me. And it is how you will be remembered. But the memories are all that  remain in the day and the night. And I have new memories to make.

So if you were to ask that question, after some scotch, I would smile, lovingly touch your arm and kiss your cheek. And walk away. I wish you much love and happiness, wonderful man who woke me up, and leave you with the life of your choosing. And as I walk away, I look forward to my life, new and refreshed. I told you I could live a very happy life either way. And I meant it.

Thank you for your time. It was lovely indeed. And now this time is mine and I shall not waste any more of it.

Your Inner Being

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” Hafiz

As this weekend and Mother’s Day comes to a close, my body  is tired but very joyful. I found this quote in one of my mother’s many books, and it was meaningful to me. The past 6 weeks have been very difficult for many I know. This quote reminded me that no matter how dark times seem to be, that we all have it in us to rise above and become better human beings.  That our spirit is true and strong, and we possess, in the deepest place of ourselves, everything we need to make it through.

I think we forget that sometimes, in the rush of life, work, parenting and just living. It is true that no man in an island, and we all need others, but we are truly magnificent. Each one of us, in our own way. So many people I have met in my life, people I have loved dearly with my whole heart, some which I miss very much and think of often, were so un-aware of how amazing they were. I have met many who I were truly awe inspring. Whether it was their strength, their wit, their kindness, insight, generosity, musical talent, ability to make others laugh…countless things really, they all had a light that was shining so bright. I could spot them from a thousand miles away, and do still.

But can we, in our limited knowledge and scope, see our own brightness? I don’t think so. I think we can be aware of it, but we cannot see it, we are too close. And yet, I wish those who have brightened my life and world could see how much they have to give and offer. I can only hope that those who are in their lives now can show them make them aware of truly help them feel it. There are just some people who come into your life, and just by walking in and sharing a bit of themselves, change your life forever, for the better.  And to meet them is truly breathtaking, but seeing a shooting star often is.

 

Whatever Gets You Through

Whatever Gets You Through

I can hear it in the trees

As he looks at me and coos

What ever gets you through baby,

Whatever gets you through

 

And in the darkness of the night

When Angels call your name

I hear the silent whisper

Of the heart I could not tame

 

And the longing stays within me

The turbulence untrue

Whatever gets you through baby

Whatever gets you through

 

And it tears up the darkness

And wakes up the cold

As I feel his arms around me

But yet I cannot hold

 

And yet the daylight comes again

Peaceful in the Morn

No one would ever know

The rock on which I’m torn

 

See it in the mirror

Hide it from your friends

The restless that never sleeps

The sleepless from within

 

And it howls at the moon

As I take a different queue

Whatever gets you through baby

Whatever gets you through

 

Now cut it down to trade

Now wash it down the drain

Drink it up with whiskey

But the sameness still remains

 

Yes in the stillness of the night

A stillness that I never knew

Whatever get your through baby

Whatever gets you through

 

Ada Burch 5/5/2012

 

 

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Lenten Mysteries

At the beginning of Lent, I went in search of…a deeper meaning. I wanted to take a spiritual journey and learn the lessons God had for me, to take me to the next phase of my life. I set out to be still and listen. And Learn. And I did. Many times if you are truly open, you will find the lessons.  This Lenten Season has been a very rich one, with great things that have made my life far better than it was on Ash Wednesday.

I went back to church, the Cathedral I had gone to for many years. Before this Lenten Season I had a spiritual Crisis so to speak. It has since past and Peace remains. What I have discovered on a much deeper level, is that there is a mystery to Life. There is a mystery to Love, the creation of thoughts, writing, art, the Soul. And it is all connected. The mystery is where does it all originate? I think it is from God.

Life is definitely from God, he loans it to us, so to speak. And the same faith I have in those I love, comes from the Faith I have in God, as does the love I have for others. This Lenten Season I have prayed especially for Patience and Grace, and God has definitely given me exercises to grow these muscles. I have been given the opportunity to develop both, and I need both, in my current life. And what I have discovered, is that if I can get through the crisis of my own emotions and insecurities, Patience and Grace are right there within reach. Just like resisting the cravings for chocolate this season, once the immediate “wanting” is over, Peace remains.

You (I) just have to learn to trust it, and that the temporary rush of emotion is just that – only temporary. And when you have someone, or something, in your life that is truly worth trusting, then you begin to let go. You begin to trust the bigger picture, even if you have doubts. Because you begin to feel secure enough to vulnerable to the chance that is just might work. you begin to believe in Hope again, and What If?

And as the season comes to a close, i am left with Serenity, even a friend said it is in my house and all around me. I am happier than I have been in a long time, with family dear friends and a wonderful man at my side.  This has been a wonderful, cleansing, enriching, incredible, awful, wonderful, exasperating Lenten Season. And I am thankful for every bit of it! Now I just cannot wait to Easter so i can devour those delicious Cadbury Cream Eggs, which truly are the most divine creation in the world.

Botanical Pictures

I recently took a short trip to the Botanical Gardens. The breeze was blowing through my hair (which is finally long enough for the breeze to blow through and it felt wonderful. I don’t know how someone can see flowers or even a beautiful sunset and not believe in God.

It has been a while since I have taken a lot of pictures, it has been a while since I was so inspired. But the Spring is time for flowers and beautiful days…the temperature was perfect and my camera was in focus…Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ragged and beautiful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

make a wish

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Above