Trips and Chips

Sometimes we all just need to get away. We need to throw caution to the wind, buy the plane ticket and go. And that is exactly what I did. After stressful few weeks, it was time to take a break, see friends, smile and unplug. It was time to relax and get away from all the ugliness that had been.

And the result was a wonderful trip to clear the mind and the heart. I pressed a quick reset and reboot. Because sometimes we have to get away to get a better view, to get perspective on what, ad who, is really good for us and our life. We have to take separate heartbeats, dry our cheeks, and take a deep breath.

In this day and age of bigger is better and fastest is the best, we have to take a moment to have fun when things have been hard or overwhelming. And so there was Austin, TX. And there was a wonderful hotel. And seeing friends, laughing, exploring, talking, trusting, shopping, eating and catching up. And there was so much love there with all of us. There was a ghost trip, meeting new people, seeing old friends, and talking about dreams, life and other follies.

It was a great trip. Not just because of of the wonderful people I saw, though that was amazing; but also because it reminded me that there is life beyond what I have been dealing with. It is always good to reminded that the world, that life, that you yourself, are bigger than what has been placed in front of you.

And one of the things that I saw again, once away and unplugged, was how much I love taking care of others. I remember back in 2013, when I my sister and nephew were living with me, and Mom and Dad would stay with me for Dad’s treatments. I loved taking care of all of them. To make sure that they were all loved and cared for, having everything they needed – it was bliss.

And indeed, all I have ever wanted to do in my life is take care of those that I love. For all of my independence, and fierceness, this is all I want. It took me a minute to remember and see, but I have a new family now that loves me dearly, that has been there for me through everything, and who have been my strength in between heartbeats and seconds. And I want to continue to take care of them as much as they have taken care of me.

A gentle pat, a sympathetic look, a knowing smile, a hug…I think life is in these simple gestures, these priceless moments of truly being seen, heard, felt, and appreciated, for the unique facets of who we are, at our core. And that is all I want to give and be given in return in this life.

These moments come in random forms—they arrive unexpectedly, and it is up to us to pay close attention, to listen, to stand still long enough, so that we can push past the noise of the world and all its perceived barriers, and, finally, meaningfully, let our true selves break through.

So let the chips fall where they may. As long as I have people to love and take care of, as long as I am cherished, loved, respected and am treated with kindness, I will be happy. To write, to take care of those I love, and to be cherished by those who love me, is truly all I could ask for.

Life is too short for drama but somehow never long enough for all the love that can be felt in a lifetime. Take trips. Love deep. And have fun.

To Bill’s Friends

Just want to take a moment to say hello to all of Bill’s friends. He said that you read this blog and report back to him what it says.

Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day and your busy schedules to stop by and not only read my blog, but discuss it and dissect it at length with an ex-boyfriend. You have no idea how much it means to me that you would all be that interested in my writing and my life. I truly have no words to describe the level of respect I have for you and your task.

I never would have thought that any of you would have had that much time to spend on me.

So thank you again, and I invite you to stop by as often as you like. 🙂

Honest People are not Suspicious People

It has long been said that those who accuse are often guilty of that which they accuse. Do we really even know what that means? To me quite plainly, it means that if someone is accusing you of things you’ve never done, or even thought of doing, you need to take a look at what they themselves are doing in their lives to make them so suspicious of you. For example, I have never been accused of cheating by someone who wasn’t actually cheating. They were suspicious of me because they were the ones Steppin Out.

But it doesn’t just stop at accusations of cheating. If someone is accusing you of odd or bizarre things, then it’s time to step away. In my last relationship I was accused of many things, including cheating, lying about taking trips, and health issues. Where did this person come up with all thia crazy stuff? I honestly don’t know. Maybe he had been hurt long before I entered the picture, or maybe it was from a horrible childhood, or maybe it was from the things he was doing and hiding from me all along, or maybe it was just because he was crazy. What I do know, is that good honest people are not suspicious of others. Because good honest people are not manipulative, and their minds don’t twist that way. So unless there is solid proof that a wrong is being done, it never even crosses the mind of the honest and unassuming.

Take a closer look at who is accusing you. I guarantee there will be something about them or their life that doesn’t add up. Not only that, those who accuse are often incredibly miserable themselves. They don’t have anything better to do than lie, manipulate, and then deflect and project onto others. Trust me, it is not worth your time to try to prove your innocence to the accusers. Let them think what they want, and you go on living your best life. Revenge truly is a dish best served cold, when they see you, without them, living your happy life, it will burn them up.

And all those accusations and lies and manipulations that they had going on in their life? Trust me, it will catch up with them, it’s called karma. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a chance to see it. If you’re really lucky you’ll get a chance to be driving the karma bus when it hits them.

Whichever way it happens, just make sure that you separate yourself from the constantly suspicious. They will make your life miserable with their constant accusations that they’ve made up in their own sick and twisted Minds. There is no way for you to fight the accusations, or prove them wrong.

Because no matter what you say or do, it will not be enough for these people. So let them go ahead and think what they want and make up their minds about you, they will anyway no matter what you do or say. And know that the accusations they make against you, says much more about them than it does you. Whatever accusations they make, it is a keyhole into their own dark, Twisted hearts. As a matter of fact, the accusations they make have absolutely nothing to do with you at all. When someone makes crazy or bizarre accusations against you, it’s because they’re messed up in the heart and the head, not you. Walkaway secure and that knowledge.

Actually run, because these people will suck the life and the energy right out of every single room and every single relationship that they happen to be in. The suspicious people will cause drama and damage wherever they go and to whomever is the closest to them. Because they are so damaged themselves that they must damage others. They are so insecure in themselves that they must do their best to make others as insecure as they are.

Don’t fall for it. And don’t let them make you feel guilty for leaving either. Depending on their level of dysfunction, they may use guilt or anything else they can throw at you to make you stay so they can continue accusing and abusing you. Don’t be surprised if you see the kitchen sink flying through the air when they get desperate. And they will attack you in any way necessary to keep you right where you are, right where they can keep accusing you and tearing you down.

Move on, and surround yourself with people secure enough within themselves that they do not have to tear others down or make ridiculous accusations in order to feel better about their lives. Trust the process and your own instincts, and know that you have done nothing wrong nor have you done anything to deserve that which you are being accused.

Life is short. So spend time with those people who believe in you and Build You Up, not those could throw suspicious side eye and have diarrhea of the mouth with their Twisted imagination and their accusations. Getting away from these people will make you much, much happier in the long run.

As the Care Turns

It is often said that to have a good and happy life, you must take care of yourself first. And yet, we seem to find is so hard to do. It seems like self care and self awareness would be second nature to us by now. We can walk on the moon, edit DNA so diseased chromosomes are deleted, create the internet where the world’s information is in the palm of you hand…yet we still cannot master the art of self care.

And I wonder why that is exactly. And I don’t mean just pampering yourself. I mean Real self care, where we take care of our hearts, our emotions, our mental state and our resilience. Self care were we recognize the importance of making sure we are OK, really Ok, in this world.

When we do not tend to our mental and emotional health, we become bitter, angry, dysfunctional shells of our former selves. I have met people like that. The last man I dated was exactly that. Run from those kinds of people, those who are wounded and bleed all over you. Run because many of them are not only attached to their emotional wounds, but they have no intention of ever healing them. Why would someone choose to stay wounded? Because it takes tremendous strength to look yourself in the mirror, admit what is wrong and actually fix it. Many do mot have that kind of intestinal fortitude.

I have not been taking care of myself lately. I have been giving my time and self to other things and people. And it shows. My life is good, but I am tired and ragged because I have made the mistake of putting others before myself. One of my friends noticed this and chastised me. She reminded me that with both my parents being gone, if I fall apart there is no one to help put me back together. So I must not only take extra care of myself, but extra care in who I let into my world…I need to make sure my house, my heart, my home, my emotions, my life is all good, and then give to others. Not the other way around. And my friend is right.

And so it shall be, and already is. I am exercising again. Meditating, prayer, laughing with dear friends, eating healthy, some pampering, cleaning and organizing the house as the Great Purge of 2019 continues. But the purge is not only about things, it is about bad habits and people as well. I am taking positive steps to complete my own transformation that will take my life to the next level of wonderful.

Self care isn’t easy, because there are those who will criticize you and call you selfish when you are no longer doing what they want you to do. Don’t listen to those people, because anyone who loves you will understand and encourage you.

Self care is so important in this day and age of the more stress the better. It seems people wear their stress as a status symbol saying “look how important I am, I am so stressed.” Well, they can die an early death from that stress. Don’t let that be you. Take the time to enjoy those little things in life. Take the time to be grateful for what you have, and don’t concentrate on what you don’t. It will make a difference…small at first, but building momentum.

And slowly you will transform your life to what you want. But you have to have the energy to follow those dreams, make them materialize. We have the power to make our lives whatever we want…so what will you life be? Start with yourself, Taking care of yourself, being quiet and listening to the voice of God and your own voice within. reach deep down, where the heart meets the soul, where you hide when it is dark and quiet…it’s all there.

What I seek is happiness, purpose and of course, love. But a love that does not deplete me or tear me down. Love should feel good, it shouldn’t hurt. Love should energize you, not make you exhausted. And so, with a happy heart – because that is a decision too – I will go in search of. And when we find each other, not only will we take care of ourselves as we need to, but we will take care of each other as well. Until then, I will take care of my self one heartbeat at a time, until the life and love I want is right here.

Life is short. So take care of yourself.

The Land of the Living

A friend called me last night and with exasperation in his voice, he said he was tired of so much death. Indeed, it has been a season more funerals and less weddings. And at some point, you do become death exhausted. But one thing such a season does it make you put things into perspective and change your priorities.

First, at least for me, it makes me realize how blessed I am in this life. There must be gratitude or what is the point of it all? I have a great job and fantastic career, a house I enjoy, great friends who love me unconditionally, and a great life. Every day I should be thankful for all that I am lucky enough to have.

It also makes me extremely humble to think about how many blessings I have been given. I am a great writer and have worked my butt off, but each opportunity I have been given, means that someone took a chance on me and hired me. I could not have become the writer I am today without all of those opportunities. But there are so many more blessings, every day, that make me so incredibly humble.

But family and friends are also important. And no longer will I ever place a job or contract above those in my life. That contract would replace me in a heartbeat if anything happened to me. And even though I am a great writer, I am highly replaceable, as is everyone one else in this world career wise. This realization keeps me thankful for my job, while helping me keep it in perspective at the same time. No one ever regrets not spending more time at work.  Your job is what you do, not who you are. How you treat those you love and how you help others defines who you are.

It is also important to be kind to others, while also not allowing yourself to be a doormat for toxic people.  There is a fine line between being kind and being a doormat. Understand that toxic people will resent you standing up for yourself. Your friends will immediately apologize and not do to again. Once you have sorted those people out being kind is not a problem.

As far as love goes, recent events have made me realize how important it is to be around those who love you and treat you right. Life is fleeting, spend you time with those who make your heart happy. Stay away from those who don’t.

And last but not least, I have learned the importance of fun. Life is short, so have fun. Go out, flirt, laugh, eat, drink and be merry. none of us make it out alive, so we might as well push the limits a bit. Smile as much as you can, sing out loud – really loud – to the radio when you favorite song comes on. Really listen to your friends and don’t waste time with small talk. And throw yourself into life with wild abandon.

And one more is take time to pray every day. Or several times a day even. Having faith is a major part of my life. Faith and prayer have helped me through more dark times than I can mention

These are my priorities. There are others, like make sure to do things you enjoy, do things that scare you, don’t let fear keep you from trying, but you get the idea. Everyone’s priorities are different, but basically do what makes you happy.

Life is short. Love it. Live it.

 

Toxicity

Several of my friends and I are going through a process of of pruning all of the toxic people out of our lives. And sometimes it can be uncomfortable to prune, because for some reason we owe these toxic people with their toxic behaviors a place in our lives. Maybe because they are family, maybe because they are or were a partner, maybe because you have known them for so long, maybe because you have mutual friends. It could be a number of things. But let me say this very clearly, if someone disturbs your peace, get them out.

And some behaviors are more toxic than others. One of the more recent ones I have run into is someone who was so incredibly arrogant, he insulted my profession is many ways, all the while with a smile on his face, which makes it even more diabolical. He is a self proclaimed “finance guy”, what ever that means. And he made sure he knew that he was more than an accountant, because accountants have no clue. Then he told me that my work as a loan processor and writing about finance was not making financial decisions, like he did. And that is why he was so much more superior than I…and all accountants, all mortgage processors,  and writers….

WOW.

First, what an arrogant ass. I am surprised that he can actually fit int he car with the size of that ego. What in the world makes someone so arrogant and…snobby? A LOT of insecurity and no gratitude at all. First, there is nothing wrong with processors, accountant, writers, janitors…or anyone else this horrible person looks down upon. While I have never been a processor or accountant, I have tremendous respect for what they do. And I treat everyone the same from a millionaire to a janitor, because they are, we are, all human beings with our own stories.

How miserable, insecure of ungrateful this poor person is. But, as much pity as we feel for them, get that person out. Miserable people will make everyone around them miserable because hurt people, hurt people. And mark my words, it is only a matter of time before someone that arrogant hurts you. Because with someone that miserable, will pick you apart and criticize you no matter what you do. Because they will always feel superior to you and everyone else. And because they are so arrogant, they will never see their wrong doing or admit it even if they did. Cut them out and run away like the wind.

The main thing that I want in this life is love – to give love and receive it as well.Those toxic people will never give you love, or if they do it will be extremely conditional and short lived – only there when you do exactly what they want. Forgetaboutit! And move on. it’s not worth it. That high level of toxicity will suck the life and energy out of your life, leaving you completely depleted and exhausted.

I want that love in my life, from my friends, family, and partners. I want to live a very simply 1950s life with no drama and love all around me. Does that sound ridiculous? Maybe to some. But I believe it can happen, but only after all the toxicity has been removed.

Life is short, too short to give toxic people another minute of your time. Live your best life without them. You’ll thank me later.

Thoughts in the Woods

It is Father’s Day, and it is not a day to sit around the house. Just because my father is gone does not mean I have to mope. So I went up to my favorite hiking place – Amacalola Falls. It was the perfect day for to be out in the woods, where I feel centered and safe.

The woods has always had that affect on me, which is why I hike when needing to clear my thoughts and heart. And there has been a lot to think about lately. The hiking trails were filled with families and a lot of kids. And father’s with their sons or daughters.

I miss having a family and I’m struggling to find my purpose not having one. For almost 10 years my life revolved around taking care of them. And I think not having a purpose is making easy prey for those do not have my best interest at heart. And when you’re searching we can easily find the wrong way.

And so I prayed to God at this beautiful waterfall. He made this beautiful place, these beautiful rocks, and with the beautiful water, on this beautiful planet. Surely He can help me find a purpose.

And then I talked to a friend of mine, who is in a similar place. And she reminded me not to come from this from a place of loss, but from a place of abundance. What does that mean?

That means stop coming from a place of stress. Instead of saying I have no purpose and I have to hurry up and find my purpose, why not recognize that my purpose will come to me? If I calm myself and relax I can free my mind and my emotions up for the what good is coming to me. There’s no rush, there’s no hurry. This isn’t the Life’s Purpose Olympics where somebody a golf medal for coming in first. There’s no time limit. I can slow down, and I can take my time, and I can let life unfold to me in it’s time and be open to what life shows me my purpose should be

And I want a purpose it’s meaningful and fulfilling, where I can help others and there’s something larger for myself, but doesn’t completely deplete me of all time, and energy, and resources. I want a purpose gives energy, and love, and meaning. I want a purpose that generates energy and recharges my spirit. This whole notion where we have to give to the point of depletion is a fallacy. We should be able to have a meaningful life without at sucking life out of us. There’s no Romanticism in being a martyr to the point of self-destruction.

Big changes are coming, because I am relaxing and praying and being centered. I am letting life show me what it wants me to see, and going with the current for once Yes, I believe in making the life you want, but you also cannot force it. I am figuring out the next, so I will relax and enjoy the now.

I will no longer stress because I don’t have it figured out. Instead I will focus in on me, and be centered. I will laugh and have fun. I will travel a bit, and clean a bit and work a bit and and pray a lot, and have faith a lot and love a lot. And in that, purpose will come.