What Dating a Good Woman Teaches You

We hear it all the time in the dating world: I just want to find a good partner. And I cannot tell you how many times I have heard my male friends lament on how all the good women are taken. Maybe. But dating a good woman is hard. Why? Because a truly good woman is going to demand the best from you. So if you are looking to half-ass it, or wing it, don’t bother. Good women don’t just fall off trees, so you better bring your A-game if you want to get her and keep her. Here is what dating a good woman means:

Priorities: She has her priorities straight and will expect that you will too. She will expect you to make her and your relationship a priority in your life. While she knows that a healthy relationship means that family, or sometimes work has to come first, she will expect to be in the mix somewhere. She is not into competition, and she will not compete or settle for 6th place behind your dog, your diet, your TV schedule, your reading, your…whatever. She will expect you to include her and find a way to incorporate her in your life so that you grow together as a couple. If you are not ready, or cannot figure out how to do that, step aside so that the man behind you can show you how it is done.

Health: If a good woman cares about you, she will keep after you about your health. That means she will expect you keep doctors appointments and follow up if there is a problem. Not because she is superficial, but exactly the opposite. She wants you around for a long time, and she will help you get and stay healthy.

You cannot be lazy in courting her: She knows her worth and will not settle for you half-assing a relationship with her. Canceling out last minute, making excuses, taking her for granted, or being emotionally unavailable will turn her off. Be the best man that you can be, or step aside.

Don’t need this Sh*t: Here’s a newsflash – neither does she. When she challenges you, if you come off with the attitude that as a man, you don’t need this shit…she will walk. She knows she deserves better than having to beg a man to notice her worth and treat her right.

Be a better man: She will expect you to be the best that you can be. She will not accept selfishness or being self absorbed. She does not expect perfection, but she does expect you to be honest and do your best.

Manipulation: She doesn’t have time for it. She won’t do it, nor will she accept it from you.

She will call you out: This is perhaps the hardest thing about dating a good woman – she will call you out on your BS. Excuses are not are welcome.

Actions speak louder than words: She will believe what you do rather than what you say. She knows that people do what they want, so if you wanted to make her part of your life, you would. If you say it, you better have the actions to back it up.

Money: She doesn’t need yours, she has her own. That means a man actually has to show up and be present in a relationship. Unless you have a yacht in your back yard and a private jet in your driveway, there is nothing you can give her that she cannot provide for herself. If you want to impress a good woman, give her what money can’t buy.

She wants your time and your effort: A good woman knows that actions speak louder than words. If you want to impress her, simply give her your time and make an effort. If a man says he cares, but does not give her his time and effort, she will walk. Don’t take her for granted, and don’t half -ass it.

She doesn’t need you, she WANTS you: She was fine before you came into her life and she will be just fine after you leave. That is a hard pill to swallow for most men. If she doesn’t need anything from you, then she cares about you and simply wants you there.

Sex: She expects it. And she expects you to know what you are doing. You don’t have to be Christian Grey, but you do have to know what foreplay is, and how to use it.

Cheating. She won’t cheat on you for two reasons: 1. It will be beneath her standards. and 2. A good woman will not cheat on you because she will never have to. Let that last one sink in.

She wants a real man: She doesn’t have time for little boys who don’t know what to do, or who have too many issues to commit to a healthy relationship. If you think that it is acceptable to keep her at arms distance, you need to go back to school. Call her when you graduate.

She wants to build a life with you: If you are lucky enough for her trust you, then she wants to build a life with you. She is not interested in being your life time girlfriend with completely separate lives. She has no interest in an absentee partner who is never there, or is emotionally unavailable. She wants quality.

Reciprocation: She will expect it. She knows that relationships are not 50/50, sometimes they are 60/40, or even 80/20. Because sometimes a partner goes through a rough time, is sick, or is buried in work. But she will not give and support you endlessly without it being reciprocated at some point. Even a good woman needs support, needs the big, wonderful shoulders of her man. She is tough, but she needs a safe place to land. And she wants that safe place to be you. But if you are too busy and take her for granted, she will pack it up and move it on. For example – if one of her best friends dies, and you never ask her how she is doing, or never stay overnight to hold her while she cries…then you have been a horrible “partner.”

She’s not your mama: While she will help you with your life and goals, she is not your Mama or your Sunday school teacher. She is not here to coddle you or live your life for you. And if you cannot figure out how to right the situation if you have wronged her…ask your mama, your sister, your work wife, your best bud’s wife for help. But do not expect her to tell you how to be a man.

She speaks her mind: She will be straight with you and will tell you how she feels and what she wants. She knows this is the only way to have a healthy relationship. If there is a problem, she will expect you to confront the issue, talk about it and work through it. If you are the type to avoid it, or if you ignore messages when she says there is a problem – she won’t walk out, she will run. She wants a real man, and real men have serious conversations when they are needed.

Most men think that dating a good woman will be easy. But a truly good woman will challenge her partner. Women are a dime a dozen. Finding a woman who is using a man or biding her time until something better comes along is easy. However, finding a good quality woman is hard. So if you have found one – and if you are lucky enough to have her love you – she will expect you to put in the work to build a good life together. Because having a good life with someone takes both partners.

If you are a man and you do not want to put up with the demands of dating a good woman, then go back to dating little girls who don’t care what you do, how you do it or why. Date a simpleton who is fine with only spending a few hours a week at dinner, who is good with having sex once every 4-8 weeks, who makes no demands upon you and who will let you do whatever you want. But that woman doesn’t care about you and is only with you until something better comes along. A real woman will hold you accountable for half of the relationship.

Cherish her, court her, SHOW her you love her, and the return on the investment will be exponential. Take her for granted or half-ass it, and she will walk away before you can get your pretty designer running shoes laced up.

What Dating a Good Man Teaches You

I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 but ended up going on my fist date 3 months before my birthday. This was because the guy was moving out of state and my parents reluctantly allowed me to go. I am 42 now and have never been married. That’s a lot of dating. I have seen the good, bad and ugly of relationships. And I have learned a lot over the years.

My current boyfriend is amazing.  He doesn’t play games. He actually puts forth the effort and tells me, on a daily basis, that I am beautiful and amazing and totally worth it. I am thriving under the light of his wonderful attention and affection.  I wonder how I forgot that this is what dating is supposed to be, that this is how I am supposed to be treated? My current relationship is teaching me things that I didn’t realize I had forgotten. Like how I should be treated.

Somewhere along the way, dating became more of a game than a pleasure.  It seems that it’s about getting all that you can, when you can, while putting forth as little effort as you can.  When we women have men with this attitude from which to choose, we get discouraged by the lack of options and try to choose the lessor of many evils.

Ladies, Steve Harvey has it right – when a man really wants you, there will be no question. I think back to all those guys that used to drive me crazy making me wonder if they were really interested. Or that I was doing something wrong. Maybe that was the reason why they weren’t calling like they said they would, or didn’t seem interested, or would make an ambiguous date, then never follow through.

Stop wondering. Because if you have to wonder if he is interested, then the answer is No.  It doesn’t matter if you call or text him.  If he wanted to be with you, he would have already set up the date.

Easier said than done, right?  Because we are taught that if we have these high expectations, then we are demanding, and bitchy, and manipulative. No, we just know our worth.

I have had men who would text me (first of all, call the woman) and ask me to go out lunch that day…when I would accept and ask where…they wouldn’t respond. Until a few weeks later when it’s the same thing all over again. No, he didn’t get too busy, his phone didn’t break, he wasn’t sucked into a vortex where no communication was possible.  He just wasn’t really interested. So why text at all?  Who knows.  Maybe he wanted to keep that door open, or wanted an ego boost. He definitely didn’t want to go to lunch.

The guy I dated before my current boyfriend actually made me feel guilty if I even thought about asking him to help me with anything – He was healing from a woman who used him 3 years ago, so he couldn’t do anything for me.  I made the mistake of saying he could use my boat anytime he wanted if he would let me use his truck to pull my boat to the marina. I was promptly accused of making my boat and all maintenance his responsibility. If a man in interested in you, there will no excuses or strange accusations. If a man is interested, he will want to spend time with you, and he will care enough to help out when you need it.

My current boyfriend is amazing.  He sees projects that I cannot do myself, and he fixes them. I don’t even have to ask.  He just rented a Rug Doctor and cleaned the carpets in my house because my family is coming to visit.  And because he said I “should live in pretty.” Wow, what a difference.

I have dated men who refused to introduce me to any friends and family, while telling me how much they liked and cared for me.  My current boyfriend has introduced me to all of his friends and family. Because he wants me in his life, because he wants me to see from who and where comes. And he is interested in meeting my friends and family too. He wants to know my people. And a man who is truly  interested in you, will want to know your world and your people too.

There was a man who made a date on Easter with me….and was a no show.  Contacted me a few weeks later like everything was fine.  Then there are the guys who just wanted me to “come over and hang out”, but were never willing to drive to see me, or take me out.  Stay away from them, they are lazy and place no value on you or your time.

I think back on all the times I questioned if I was doing something wrong?  Women are taught that if you keep getting disappointed in dating, you are the one common factor.  So take a look in the mirror and find your fault. Well, it wasn’t me, it was them. Mostly. The only thing I wasn’t doing, in my worn and weary and discourage mindset, was remembering my worth. Because I didn’t want to seem demanding, or high maintenance, or bitchy, or unreasonable.

The man I am with now, expects me to know my worth, because he sees it every time he looks at me. And he makes sure I know how lucky he feels. And I am lucky too. Because finally, here is a man who sees what I didn’t see in myself for a long time. Dating a good man has reminded me that first and foremost, I am worth it.

Every day I am so very grateful that this wonderful man found his way into my life.

Because I am demanding, and high maintenance and bitchy and unreasonable…But only to those men who are not interested enough to do anything but put forth the least amount of effort possible.

And that is what dating a good man can teach you.

The Need Trap

No, you can’t always get what you want

No, you can’t always get what you want

No, you can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometime, you just might find

You get what you need.

I think it might just be a trap. It happens when we listen to our needs instead of our head. When we know something may not be the best thing, but we need it. Or we think that because we need it, it is the best choice. We are taught to follow our needs. We are, after all, human beings. We Need. It could be a job – we need the money, but we are not happy. Maybe it’s the need for friendship or companionship that’s leads us down the path to the wrong people and the wrong relationships.  Maybe the need for a cheap car that makes us buy one that is unsafe or is breaking down all the time.

The fact is that just because we need, does not mean we should follow. So how do we know the difference from what we need and what is best or even just good for us? I don’t know.  Everyone assumes that getting what you need is better than just getting what you want. But is that really the case? I don’t know that answer to that question either.

I have only said I needed someone twice in my life. And neither time it worked out. And I can’t help but wonder what if I never needed them at all?

Need exposes vulnerabilities. When we are vulnerable, we don’t always make the best decisions or choices.  Because we fulfill the need based on our vulnerable nature. And I was so vulnerable. I needed a partner and a companion. I needed friendship. And I needed love. So I went with that need and instead now have the opposite, which is not what I needed at all. And maybe had I thought about it more with my head, instead of leading with my needs, I would have made the wiser decision.

The fact is that I am very vulnerable these days. And that vulnerability scares me, because what if my choices are made on the needs of those vulnerabilities? What happens if what I need does not materialize? Or when those vulnerabilities are no longer? Or when those whom I need, no longer need me?  If I am vulnerable, I will believe the promises made to me instead of approaching them with caution. It is human nature to pursue what is needed to be fulfilled.

So maybe the secret is to take a step back and think with our heads.  Make sure our needs are on solid ground and not quicksand.

If what you need doesn’t come to fruition, then what’s wrong with just going after what you want? Or is it better to pursue no needs at all and be somewhat of an island, letting the waves of life wash upon you, but never joining the sea?

Of Firsts

In our life we all have a lists of firsts – first dates, first kisses, first job…this next month is going to be about several firsts for me. This weekend, my parents are coming up for their first visit to see my first house. Next month I am going to have my first visit with one of my sisters that I am getting to know (I am the youngest of five) and in about a month, there will be some first moments with someone very special who has re-entered into my life.

The great things about firsts is that they exciting. Filled with promise, hope and excitement of the unknown. My Mom and I have been talking and planning this first visit since I first moved into the house. We have so much do together in this new place. She has a green thumb and she is bringing plants and flowers to help me with my gardens and figuring out the landscape of my first yard. There are many conversations to be had, much wine and coffee to drink together.

And I can’t wait for Dad to see my new place. I have a to do list all set up of small projects we can do together while he is here; connecting the water line to the refrigerator, putting up shelves and such. I love working with my Dad. We used to work on small projects with my car, like changing out the break pads. But this is different, this is the first time we will be able to work on projects for my house. There is something wonderful about that, to have those memories of working with him. It’s part of what will make this house a home.

Family means so much to me, and with everything imploding with my closest sister and my parents health not being that good, I released that there were other members of my family that I want to know. The visit with one of my oldest sisters is beyond exciting and there are few words to express the emotions attached. There is so much curiosity and I only wish there was more time to get to know her. I wonder why I waited so long. I should have done this a lot sooner.

And then there is Love. There is another chance, a new chance with someone trusted, known and who knows me, down to my bones. So many years, and yet, the core is still the same. The first time at a second chance. And when we are in the same space, there is a sense of calm, a sense of comfort, a place where I can relax. And in my head I hear what so many have said for years: “There is no need to look. You already know him. He is already there.” I have often said when so many say the same thing, chances are it is true.

And so it is, this season of firsts. As the days get hotter and longer, the air is thick with the promise of the unknown and to move into this season with my parents, sibling and loved one is truly amazing. I knew that 2014 would be a new year of new things, and that the wheels would starting turning once I got into the new house. And indeed all the love I wanted in my life is here and all the dreams are coming to fruition. There is Peace, there is happines, there is a great life right in front of me.

Finding Lent

It’s forty days every year, between Ash Wednesday and Easter, that many stop and reflect.  Every year I celebrate Lent by giving something up (chocolate this year…can’t wait to eat my Cadbury Crème Eggs!) and taking something on. It is a time to rededicate myself to all that is important spiritually. A time to reconnect with inner self, God and my inner voice. And to really listen.

This year is a special time for me, as so many new and wonderful things have entered into my life as of late. I have so very much the be thankful for. But yet there has been a lot of struggle to get here, and there are a lot of emotions left over.

My career has skyrocketed, with more to do now than every before. In addition to my full time job, I am interviewing someone this week for an article I am writing for the AJC. I have had articles published in magazines, but never the ADJ – a notionally circulated newspaper!  It’s very exciting.

Agents are calling me wanting me to update headshots, resumes and classes for acting. And then there is the business of my book….I put it down a while ago to support my sister. Now it is time to pick it back up, along with many other things…like eating right and exercising. Things that got out of whack over the last year.

So this year, my Lenton Disciplines are a little different. They are more about taking care of myself and getting myself back up and running, so I have more to offer the world and those around me. The old saying is true, to give to others you must first take care of yourself; because if you don’t, you will not have anything to offer. I have learned this the hard way.

Taking care of everyone else last year, has left me torn and ragged this year. And my Lenton Disciplines also involved what to do about all those left over emotions from everything that has taken place. All of the loss, betrayal, lies and shape shifting.

What do I do with all the anger I have for my sister and her husband? What do I do with the feelings of betrayal concerning my former friends and landlords; all that they did, all the lies that were told? How do I dissipate the disappointment, resentment and aching from walking away from the only sister I have ever really known? How do I deal with the fact that because of her psychological condition, I have had to keep her out of my life?

I don’t know the answer to these questions…but I do know that this year, this Lent, I am to have faith, put one foot in front of the other, work as hard and as good as I can to be the best writer I can, to tell the stories in the best way possible, and to take the time to listen to God’s voice on the stillness. The stillness of the quiet in the night, the sunrise and it comes through my bedroom window in the morning, the silence that is in those moments. And I am to find joy in my life, and the good things that are coming forth. And in those things, in that stillness and silence, in that Faith, in that joy…I hope to find the Grace which I seek. The fullness of God and what he wants for me and the opportunities which He has given me.

And if I put my whole heart into it…there it will be. And I hope to let go…

Home Ownership 101

We all have experiences that teach us a lot. And I am going to learn a tremendous amount by being a home. The whole process has been quite an eye opening experience, from dealing with the “haters,” to dealing with a difficult closing (the investors had not discussed how the proceeds from the sale would be divided, and argued about it – at the closing), to the fine art of moving items up stairs. I have been in the house less than a week, and have learned a lot already. Like what, you ask?

Well, like how to fix my own dryer. My dryer had a four –pronged plug, the outlet had three. So this little girl broke out the tool box and re-wire the new plug onto the old dryer. Being a non-mechanical klutz, I was very proud of myself for doing this successfully. I can now dry clothes till my hearts content!

And then I managed to figure out my wireless router and how to get the network back up. Yes, me, who can barely work my iPhone, got the wireless network up, though I am not sure exactly how I did it.

Then there is planting trees. Yes, I have planted a small tree or two on the property…proof that I can indeed use a shovel (no one has found any of the bodies yet, so the tree is proof). The fine art of breaking down boxes is also something very important to learn as well. Tomorrow I learn about how to install a top security system, even better than the one I had. I am also learning about installing TV’s on the wall. I have learned the importance of being able to do these things yourself, because living in one of the worst traffic jam areas in the country, my wonderful guy friends may not always be able to make it to the house.  And it is nice to have friends over when it is just to visit. I have learned that I am very loved and so many are willing to help and to celebrate.

As is meeting the neighbors – how to do it, when to do it and what to say. This may sound very simple and basic – it’s just meeting people. But it is a little more than that when you are a single girl, and requires a bit if finesse. You have to make sure you are friendly, but not too friendly – you want the wives to like you. The kind of girl they want to introduce you to their cute single friend…not the kind of girl they have to keep away from their husbands.

I have learned that I am in a wonderful family neighborhood, where the kids still ride their bikes and climb trees, where the parents play catch in the front yard, and where people know each other. I have learned that this is where I want to be living, because these are my kind of people. And if I have learned that much, and it hasn’t even been a week, imagine how much more I will learn in time.

Never stop learning, growing, experiencing and being curious. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. Always look around and find the next thing to do, see, learn. Life is so big, and I cannot wait!

Feel It

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’ – Erma Bombeck

There is a theory about life that I have had for many years. I think that we go about life rather backwards: We go after the job, the money, the house, the car, the partner that looks good on paper, the clothes, the everything of how we want our life to look. We make a list of accomplishments that we want to do and check off our little to do list. We want to run a marathon, or get that promotion, or buy that bug screen TV…and there is nothing wrong with those things. There is nothing wrong with having goals and accomplishing them. We all need something to work for, do and accomplish.

But how we come to what is on that to do list…well, that is a but backwards. Then when we start crossing things off that list, we are surprised if we do not feel different. So how do you make a list that really matters? How do you build a life that really matters and will lead to happiness? Simple. Justask yourself one question: How do you want your life to feel?

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. – Harvey Fierstein

You may wonder what that has to do with anything. The short answer is everything. If you want a happy, fulfilled, useful life, then you go after what makes you feel happy, useful and fulfilled. Don’t go after a particular job title – unless that job is what makes you happy. How many people do you know who are trapped in a job or career that they hate? You may even be one of them. How many people do you know who love their job and can’t wait to get to work in the morning? Far fewer people, I bet. That’s a shame.

So decide what will make you feel the life you want, and go after those things. Don’t worry about what other people might think. They don’t hav eto live your life, you do.  When I decided to go after the life I wanted to feel, there was an amazing shift and change in my life. I knew that being a writer would make me feel what I wanted to feel. Suddenly things got really clear. No, it wasn’t easy. But don’t let the myth that if it’s supposed to be, then it will be easy. That’s not always the case. Things that are worth working for, are often hard. The hard it what makes it great. And if you really want it, then make a commitment to yourself that you will accomplish it and that failure is not an option.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. – George Bernard Shaw

Since deciding how I wanted my life to feel, I have never looked back. Even when I made a mistake, which I have made many, I just backed up, dusted off and got back up. If people laughed at me, and they have, I ignored them. Life is too short to worry about what others think of you.

So go after how you want your life to feel, and feel it, every bit of it. Soak it in. And don’t be afraid to walk away from that which does not fit. Distance yourself from people, places and things that do not follow how you want your life to be. This takes courage, and that is where it might get a little difficult. But keep in mind that removing what does not work or serve you makes you for that which will.  Keep those who support and encourage you close and never take them for granted.

Live life with passion, love, faith and feeling. What are you waiting for?

Freedom, Stillness and Goodness

A friend of mine and I were discussing this quote last week, and we came to a great conclusion that this is just as true pertaining to people as it is flowers.  Especially when it comes to dating and relationships. It has often been said that the things you may first find enduring in a relationship, is what you may later find annoying. That may be true, but one thing remains: You cannot change someone else. If you fall in love with them, then try to change them, they are no longer that person with whom you fell in love. But many have a tendency to do this. There is even a play called “I love you, Your Perfect, Now Change” that illustrates this perfectly.

If you fall in love (or even in like) with someone who is a free spirit, or is fiercely independent, self sufficient and very defiant of anyone who tries to control them, then don’t try to tame that spirit. For it is beautiful. Someone who cannot be controlled, who goes with their faster than another’s wishes, or who plays by their own rules…if that is what fascinated you about them, then let them shine. To try to change them would kill the very thing that makes them beautiful to you.

I have often said that I cannot live in captivity, I will not be tamed. I am free. It is just a matter of finding the one with whom I can run.

“Maybe some women weren’t meant to be tames. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.”

Protected: The Calm in The Cold

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Who’s Out

To all the bitchy, difficult, irresponsible girls who dare to set and enforce boundaries:

Setting healthy boundaries is one of the main ingredients in having and maintaining a balanced emotionally healthy life. No matter who we are, there are lines that people around us cannot cross. Wishes that others must respect. There are times we must say no. There are people that, no matter how much we love them, we must love ourselves more, and push back if what they are doing causes us un-Peace.

Setting and maintaining those boundaries is imperative. We must take care of ourselves emotionally…because of we don’t who else will? But setting and enforcing those boundaries will also get you something else ladies – you will be called bitchy, difficult, angry and even irresponsible.

I have long said that what brings you Peace, will also bring you happiness – True happiness – the kind that you feel from your soul to your bones to the tips of your teeth kind of happiness. This is because there can be no true happiness if there is constant turmoil and drama. There can be no true happiness without Peace. And even those who say they love us very much can make you very unhappy and your life un-Peaceful.

In this year of 2014, the 411st year of my life, I have passionately decided that I will only have those who bring me Peace and harmony in my life. Those who cause drama, unrest and turmoil…will simply be out. If someone causes me un-peace, that doesn’t make them a bad person, it just means that they are not a good person to have around me.

Since I have become stern in my enforcement of healthy boundaries in my life, I have been accused of many things. And to all those with the accusations I proudly say – YES I AM…now get the Hell out. Why? Because if being healthy makes a woman an angry, difficult bitch…then sign me up and call me the president of the club.

When you enforce what is healthy for you and your life, when you stick to your guns and what brings you peace, and others criticize you for it – that is emotional bullying. And no one likes a bully. When I say that I want Peace, and some else’s need for whatever is more important than my Peace…that person is no longer healthy for me to have in my life. OK, No harm, no foul…until the bullying starts.

What is emotional bullying? Emotionally bullying is when you enforce what is good and healthy in your life, and the other person tries to put the blame on you, tries to make you feel guilty or refuses to take responsibility for their part, and instead tries to deflect on you. When they make you miserable for your decision to live a healthy life and enforcing healthy boundaries, out them. After all, if they didn’t want to be put out, then they should have respected your boundaries in the first place. Sound a little strong? Think of the consequences if you listen to them and let them convince you that you are wrong.

So ladies, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself emotionally. And don’t worry about those things that they say. You are not being selfish, angry or even difficult – you are being proactive and healthy for your own life. You are being the opposite of co-dependent. It is one your most basic human rights, to be allowed to be happy and have a Peaceful life. Let those bullies go somewhere else and pick on someone their own size…Find people who respect who you are and the limits you set – whether it’s for work, for relationships, for friendships for anything.

Taking Care of the Birthday Girl

It‘s the start of a new year, and it’s my birthday month. Both reasons to celebrate. Looking back on the past year though, a pattern seems to emerge. Last year was all about taking care of everyone – Lots of family, friends, even animals. The only problem was that no one was taking care of me., including myself. And that is not good. When you do not take care of yourself, then you get run down and tired. You truly do not have much left to offer at the end of the day because you are so exhausted.

Last year was such a difficult year, because I carried the weight of many people. I carried their troubles, their secrets, their debt, their lives…and it was exhausting. Now that I am free of such things, now that everyone is standing on their own, it is time for me to focus in on…me.

And now, at the start of this New Year, this new age, it is time to make some changes. So this year, 2014, age 41, shall be about me. And not in the selfish don’t care about anyone else but me way, but the, I am going to take care of myself way. What does this mean exactly?

It means I take a look at what I want and what I want my life to be. What kinds of people and things do I want in it? How do I want it to feel? What do I want to wake up to every morning, and how do I want to go to sleep every night. What do I want my life to be filled with in my waking hours?

It means that I will learn to say no, when saying yes is to my own detriment (except when it comes to chocolate). It means that I will let go of those who bring stress and unnecessary drama in my life. I will get enough sleep and exercise, something which has not happened since the beginning of the year. I will eat well and healthy. And I will make sure that I have enough emotionally, physically and mentally to give only to those who deserve it. But all that requires me to take care of myself first.

I have learned a huge lesson this past year. I got so caught up in trying to help everyone, trying to make sure that everyone else was OK, and trying to please everyone else, that I forgot to please and take care of myself. The result is that by the end of the year, I was tired and frazzled. No more people pleasing.

This is my time, this is my year. We write the story of our lives. We determine how the story goes.  So there will be much laughter, love, freedom, work, writing, passion, and everything in my year. And I’ll do it my way.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,. And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. “- Shakespeare

When you are true to yourself, you take care of yourself.

Letter to Patsy

She was my 2nd mother. A spirited force to be reckoned with. And a tough as nails, loyal and kind soul. And now she has passed, and the world is a bit duller. There are so many things left to say to her,  And here they are. My Letter to My 2nd Mother.

Dear Patsy,

I can’t believe you’re gone. It may sound silly, but I always thought you would be there, I just could not ever imagine a world where you were not there. Now that the time in here, it just seems so strange. Death is final. And I think that is what hurts the most.

The last time I saw you, you were so beautiful, you almost looked like an angel. A stubborn angel that I loved dearly. Your eyes were brighter than I had seen them on quite a while.  I remember visiting you at the nursery, and hearing your voice and that Tennessee accent. I loved your accent. I loved your common sense way of looking at things. I just loved you.

I remember you asking me if I was ever going to get married ( you always asked me that). I just smiled and said who knows? And I remember you telling me that there is no shame in not ever getting married. And I knew you were right. But you were the first person to ever really tell me that. And I believed you. But I know you wanted me to, because I know you wanted me to be happy, and to someday settle down. Well, I’ve met him Patsy. I’ve met the one. And yes, I will marry him,, if he’ll have me. I couldn’t wait to tell you.

I remember you watching over me and Karen when we thought we were all grown up renting your house. How silly we young girls were, and how blessed we were to have you watching out for us. Making sure we took care of things, didn’t get too crazy and didn’t let our friends drive our cars.

And I think you were one of the only ones who truly understood what happened at the wedding. And what it all did to me. Your kind words and compassion carried me through many a heartache over that. I knew you knew that ache too. And you understood my tears. I loved you for that. And I loved that no matter what, you would always be my 2nd mother.

You were such a hard worker, and loyal top the core. I remember when you shut your business down to sit with my mother in the hospital when she was so sick. You just sat there with her, and watched over her so she would not be alone. You knew you didn’t even have to speak. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me that you were there. Or how much that meant to my mother. We will never forget it.

And she told me what you said about tying her shoes. And the baby Ruth! I laughed.

And somehow, you raised 4 children on your own – Three boys, one girl. Three young wild southern boys, and one strong willed girl. And you kept all of them in line. They knew you meant what you said and that they would respect their mother. How did you do it? You worked so hard. I always respected you so much for that. I thought you were amazing. And tough. I wish I could have told you how much I thought of you.

And out spoken!  No one had to wonder what you thought or how you felt. And you didn’t give a flying flip if they didn’t like it. I loved that about you. I trusted you for that reason too.

I wish I could have sat with you, just one more time, and had a conversation with you. I would have loved to have known what you thought about things now. No doubt you would have been full of advice – sprinkled with wit and wisdom as your words always were.

I do remember you getting after me for keeping the freezer door open during that hot summer. And you were right – but it was so hot!  And I know you thought of me as strange; this spirited girl, with all the boyfriends, and the weird ways. But you loved me too. Just as I am – strange, clumsy and awkward me. I can only imagine how many times you just shook your head when it came to me, how exasperated you were over the years. How many times you laughed at my odd ways of thinking when I wasn’t looking. How many times you asked my mother about me, and chuckled at her answers.

But I wanted you to know how much you have meant to me over the years. How your watchful eye has meant so much to me. And the affect you have had on me and my life. You will forever be a part of my youth. A wonderful part of growing up, of coming back home, of being loved. And I will miss you. And I will always love you.

Your 2nd daughter,

Ada

Spanx For Playing

We should open a store called Forever 39 and sell wine and Spanx.

Being a curvy girl is a wonderful thing. And I have found that I truly love my new-found curves. Because you are soft, curvy, feminine and very womanly. It’s great to have hips, but, thighs and boobs.  And it’s great that I little invention called Spanx helps keeps everything from spilling out and bulging over in the tighter fitting knit styles that are so popular today.

What is not wonderful? Trying to wiggle, squirm, squeeze and contort to get into these Spanx – especially every time you have to go to the bathroom.  I think I’ll pass up the gym today – I’ve already had my workout. Anyone who has ever worn them, or even seen these tiny things come out of the package, has wondered how in the heck are these going to fit? You know what I am talking about.

There are 1 piece top and bottoms, then there is the one piece – which I have – that smooths everything, tummy, belly, hips and thighs. It is perfect if you have a long-ish outfit. Basically it takes an act of congress to negotiate out of the one piece Spanx. No matter what you are wearing (today it’s a dress) you have to take all of it off just to get to the Spanx. So you better hope the stall has enough room to get undressed. After you take your clothes off, then you have to take off your panty hose, if wearing them. Ok, that’s easy enough, just takes time. Then you get to the magic that keeps everything the place.

You have to do the Out-of-Spanx dance, that makes you look like you are from Outer space. First, you get the straps over your shoulder, and slowly suck in as you peel the Spanx off of your upper torso.. Then you wiggle to get the Spanx off your waste…and then…it’s the hips. If you are like me…and you have lot s s O’Hip…this is a challenge. You suck in, wiggle, woggle (yes, that is a word) stretch and eventually they will slowly start to budge.

After you get them off, then you have to contort, wiggle and dance to get them back on. You have stretch the Spanx beyond what it seems their capacity to be and smooth them out to make sure everything is in place underneath and nothing is bulging in the wrong spaces. Once everything is in place, you can put your clothes back on and step out of the stall.

So men, if your girlfriend, who looks fabulous in that dress, is taking a long time in the bathroom, changes are she may be stuck in Spanx. (Think of the episode of Friends where Ross gets stuck on those leather pants…). It’s also a bit like Bridget Jones wearing the panties that make it more likely to have sex, unless the dress comes off….but so be patient– it takes a lot to look this hot. But don’t worry, we’re worth it.

A Moment

It is the rush of the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, dinners, decorating and family get-togethers. It is a time that we seem to rush around, hardly time to do anything besides get to the next thing we have to do. And this holiday season seems to be busier than those past.

But last night I took a walk in my quiet little neighborhood. I listened to the silence of the evening, looked at the lights and Christmas decorations that were around. There were children playing in the distance, laughing and running. I thought about my life, and the past year. All of the ups and downs, all of the events that made it 2013.

And through all of it all, there have been so many blessings woven in, even the bad times. I just needed some time and space to see them. And isn’t that how it always is? Things always seem to work out for the best, and end up just as they should. We just may not ever be able to predict the road that gets us there.

This year I have seen love, loss, heartache, joy, anger, Peace, struggles, having money, being poor, letting go, hanging on, breathing in, cleaning out and rising up .I have supported my family and had others support and help me. When I think back at just what has happened in the past year, it’s almost overwhelming to think of it all.

But I am so very thankful for being here, right now, in this place. It’s been a long road, but Bliss is all around. And it had taken a lot of work. Many think that happiness just lands in a persons lap. It doesn’t. It’s a decision you make and re-make every day. Work you do to keep it every day. But it’s worth it, to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

So this holiday season, take .a moment. Pause and reflect. Eve for those for whom the holidays are difficult, take pause and look around. When you do, I promise you will see wonderful things around you . No matter where you are, it could be worse, but it’s not. And the good thing is if you feel like you are at the bottom, there is now where to go but up.

Take a moment, see the lights and the decorations. Enjoy the cold crisp air. Notice the energy of others around you. Enjoy your favorite TV shows, some hot tea, or a warm bowl of soup. Because it’s the small things that add up to making a good life. But we must take time to appreciate them.

So take a moment.

Freedom

I swam in the ocean and played like a child. I did back flips, hand stands and the back stroke. I let the current of the ocean carry me as I floated on the surface. I swam underwater, like a fish, seeing how long I could hd my breath before coming up to the surface for that first gasp of air when my lungs felt like they are going to burst. There was an excitement, an innocents that coursed through my veins as I felt the water against my skin.

At first the water was almost too cold, but then as my body adjusted tot he temperature, it felt refreshing and I was energized. The entire sea in front of me, with all the mystery it holds. All it’s secrets being whispered to me in the currents.

It had been almost two years since I swam in the ocean. Almost two years since I did back flips and let the water carry me. And it was wonderful.

It makes you appreciate the cool fresh salty air of the sea. And to feel the soft breeze across my damp face was pure heaven. And I saw God, in the sea, int he sky, in the everything of the moment. And I knew He had me in his hands and that all was well in my world.

There were hot Krispy Kreme donuts in bed, melting in my mouth from the first bite to the last. There was laughter, wine and dancing. There was the innocence and playfulness of a child. It was freedom.

A Post a Day

There are many things for which I am thankful. One of those things is the fact that I am a writer. I get paid to do that which I love. How many are that lucky? But every day, we still must strive to challenge ourselves, get out of our comfort zone and grow. This is the month for such things for me. I am actively stepping out of what makes me comfortable. There is a saying to do something every day that scares you.  That is my goal for this month of October.

The first day of the month, it was the dentist, yesterday it was setting in motion one of my goals in life, that also scares the crap out of me. Today, it is committing to challenging myself to write a blog a day for the rest of the month. This may not seem like a big deal, but to a writer to writes when I am inspired to write, this is a bit scary.

It’s challenging and scary because of everything involved. Will I have something interesting and intelligent to say every day in a public blog post? What will I write about? And to make the time commitment of posting every day is substantial. With work, freelancing, all of my family needs and then actually having a life with friends and a boyfriend, time is precious.

But that is part of stepping out of your comfort zone. You learn new things and new ways of doing old things. You stretch your creativity and go beyond your limits. You face your fears. Whatever they are, and whatever it is you are doing…Can I do it? Will I do it well? Will I be Ok doing it? How will I feel when I have done it? What do I want to learn and get out of it? What if I fail?

Relax. Take a breathe. You will do fine. This is life, and the fact that you are willing to challenge yourself, to grow, to learn, to face what makes you scared, it more than most do in a lifetime. So get out there and do it. You only live once.

So a post a day…for 31 days. OK. Let the creativity flow and the typing begin.

Falling for Fall

It is Fall here in the south. The weather is turning cooler, with the highs in the low 80’s and high 70’s. At night the air is crisp and cool, promising the cold of the winter to come. In a word, it is delicious. I love this time of year. The air-conditioning gets turned off and the windows or up at night, as the cooler temperatures makes sleeping under a warm blanket a wonderful experience…until you try to get out of bed the next morning. Car rides have the windows down and the radio up, as the cool fall air mixes with  the warm sun to make the perfect recipe for road trip.

The fall festivals have already started, and the leaves are beginning to turn colors. The air is light and fresh, as  are the spirits of those around. Yes, it is fall, yummy, cool, promising, busy and fun. This weekend was a great taste of what is to come.

Family is a big part of my life. My youngest nephew came up with his girlfriend to explore and go to see a concert. Leaving us boring adults behind, they went shopping, eating, concert going and had much fun just being together. But I suspect we boring old people had much more fun.

Friday night were “crack tots” and beer with friends. Crack tots, true to their name, are highly addictive. You cannot just have one of these delicious tots dipped in equally addictive cheese sauce.  Thank goodness they have no calories either (at least that is what I tell myself as I devour them). Later that night my nephew and his girlfriend arrived, and there was much laughter and love.

Saturday was crazy busy, as once again the two lovebirds went out looking for cool things to do in Atlanta. Breakfast was cooked, more laughter and lots of activity around the Burch household. Then it was time for the adults to play, as we planned a fun time downtown. A friend of mine has a brother who bought a favorite bar, so we went down for the celebration. And we celebrated a lot. There were hugs of friend that I had not seen for a=years, laughter, catching up, eating and drinking. There was great live music, an old bank vault filled with everything Elvis, dancing and lots of Johnny Cash. There were pictures and smiles, and of course, several times I nearly tripped.

Sunday brought about sleeping late, brunching and lots of laughter and love

And I have to say that I am falling in love…with this season, and these weekends, and my family, and this time, these moments, in life. I am falling for Fall. And it is wonderfully delicious!

Family Habits

We, as humans, are creatures of habit.  Whatever we do, the cycles we have, the patterns we display, all show habit is part of the human condition. And what is great about having my family living with me, is seeing habits and cycles form.

We, as a family, seem to have a rhythm. I know the days my sister will be tired, and nights my nephews will want a good meal after that hard class. They know my moods and rhythms too. Now, if we could only all get into the rhythm of cleaning the kitchen, that would be great.

But it is interesting watching them form. Which days we sit and watch TV, which nights we sit around the dinner table laughing, which nights we drink wine, and which nights we all just want to go to bed early. Who does their laundry on what night of the week.

I love when we all get together in one of our rooms and chat. Love when we enjoy a good dinner together, love when we gather around the calendar and talk about who needs to be where, when doing what. I love the planning that goes along with being a family. Love moving as a unit, together, even when we are separate. It makes my heart happy to have those that I love so dearly, around os close.

I have learned that family is what makes a house a home and what gives a home a soul. The cabinets in the bathroom for Mom. The caffee for my nephew, the teas for my sister. The place where we write down what we need for groceries. Seeing their things around to remind me that others are close by. Hearing them get ready in the morning, as they try not to trip over the playful cats. grilling on the back patio, buying things I know they will love. All the joy that comes form the soul they bring with them into the home. And they Peace they bring into my own heart.

But that’s the thing about family – friends, lovers, jobs and even habits may come and go, but family is forever. So you might as well get into the habit of being a good strong one and working together for a happy household.

HAve Fun to Be Happy

There is a saying that all work and no play makes for a dull life. That certainly could not be said of life recently.  Summer has wrapped up, fall is in the air and fun is everywhere. The last few months have seen so many wonderful adventures, first tries, new experiences, new friends, lots of laughter, so many memories and lots of smiles.

This past weekend almost a blur of activity with wonderful friends. There was a bike ride on a friends Harley, hot tubbing, dancing, singing, brunching, and topped off with a night of incredible music filled with so much soul it brought one of my friends and I to tears. I haven’t danced like that in a few years. And some of the best places to dance are redneck bars – where many on the dance floor have already taken off their shoes. Club dancing is fun – if you have on a super hot fabulous outfit, if you want to see and be seen, and if you want to meet models…but for just plain, fun, don’t care how I look, just want to have fun dancing, you need a red neck bar. Trust me on this.

Riding on the back of a bike is wonderful. To be that free, to have the wind rushing past you, is amazing and the best way to travel. And with someone trusted it is pure fun. And to do something just for the pure fun of it is something we forget to do as adults. We have responsiblities and haven;t the time for such nonsense. What. Ev. Ah. Always be curious.

Then there was a the roller derby – a friend had extra tickets. Having never been to a roller derby, and being the adventurous type that is always up for trying new tings, I said yes before i could lace up the roller skates.  If you never been to one and ever get the chance to go, do it. It is so much fun. It’s like going to a hockey game. Except it’s on skates. And it’s girls. My nephew loved it and thought it was the best thing since the National Cheer-leading Competition cam to Atlanta. Sitting with friends, drinking cheap beer while in a packed stadium, watching girls on roller skates zip around the track and push each other around was a total blast.

Next was going to a dirt track and watching all the races – formula cars, mustangs, more kinds of cars and races than I can remember.  Don’t go for the beer – they don’t serve it, but it’s a great family atmosphere with lots of cars that go fast and make a lot of noise. Perfect for a father/son outing. Or just a couple sisters hanging out with a friend. And I almost  managed to NOT smile anything. Almost.

In the past month I have also worked quite a bit in a friends shop. I remember my dad having a hue shop and doing a lot of woodwork. As he would work, I would hear the loud sound of the saw, smell the saw dust then hear the hammer or sander. So it was so much fun to go into my friends shop and watch as he worked with the wood and metal, instructing me what to do and how to do it. I helped build shelves.  Yes, I had done this before, but not in many years. And I stained the shelves. And then they were put up in his house, where they will be used and loved for many years. It was a great feeling to have made something out of nothing. To have it be tangible, useful and pretty.

And I have gone swimming in a river, in the woods, where only the locals go. Again, something I have grown up doing, but not for a long time. And I have ridden in a truck, with the windows down and my feet either on the dash, or out of the window, in true, southern style. I have driven miles and miles, gone hiking, listened to the rain on a tin roof, felt sound and been exhausted from pure joy of life.

Yes, I have worked very hard during this time, but in the spirit of keeping things balanced I have done something new. I have played just as hard as well. I have taken pause and time to take care of the playful in me. I have indulged my curiosity, sung at the top of my lungs, listened to the crickets and watched the magic of the fireflies.

And I have let my emotions go as well. I have cried when I felt like it instead of holding back. And even when it was scary, I was vulnerable, and let others comfort me in my tears. I have known the pain of too much tenderness. And in morning, when the sun rose, there was always a new chance.

So play as hard as you work. Take as many chances as you can, as many new experiences as you can stand and drink them up like a sponge. Because you will never get that day, that chance again. And you never know just what treasure you may find.

live authentically., live honestly. Live passionately.

The Feeling of Fall

only the beginning of September, yet for the past two days there has been a chill in the air. Something that is not usual for this time of year in the South. Long sleeves are not usually required in the dog days of summer. It is a welcome break from the heat and humidity that has been hanging around, a welcome break of fresh cool air that allows one to turn off the air conditioner and raise the windows. A break to air out the heavy scent of summer.

No doubt, the feel of fall is upon us, even if the season is still a ways away. This little cold snap teasing us as if to say “Hang on, the summer won’t be here forever, so wrap up the summer business and get ready for all Fall has to offer.” Yes, time to get ready and start school, make sure all supplies to be needed are had, wrap up those summer romances, pack up the beach towels and sunscreen, and head back to the world.

Many feel the sting of summer ending and don’t like it. I am somewhat relieved that summer is coming to an end. It has been a busy spring and summer, full of challenges, changes, transformations and hard work. Now it is time to enjoy what all that brings. There will still be hard work ahead, but there will be so much more to enjoy in the fall months ahead. Finally, a rest after such a busy summer. Finally able to breathe in the cool air, and let it’s lightness fill me as I pray to the Heavens that all sacrifice has been worth it.

A touch of fall is in the air, the cool promise of things to come.

Those You Cannot Help

We all encounter them in our lives, those people who are in bad situations. We try to help them as best as we can – maybe they are our friends, or neighbors, or family and even a stranger. And then we realize, that for whatever reason, they cannot be helped. Because they do not want to help themselves. These people aggravate me to no end. And I find myself loosing sympathy for them very quickly.

Two recent examples: I have a friend who wanted to quit teaching and break into writing. We met and I promised to help him, since he had no idea where to start. So, I completely re-did his resume. I gave him access to all of my business contacts, sent him names and numbers of people to contact, sent him hundreds of job leads, even applied him for some jobs, and created an online portfolio for him. Three things he needed to do: follow up with contacts/job leads I sent, complete a list of writing samples to post on his online portfolio, and NOT post anything political or religious on his social networking sites.

Fast forward three months: He has not followed up on any leads, has not completed the samples and has his social networking sites plastered with controversial political and religious things. And he complains because he is not employed and is freaking out.

Second example: A friend lost his job in the non-profit industry. I was very traumatic for him, as he had planned a lot of his life around the job. He has friends and family willing to help, people willing to invest in a very profitable business idea of his, I am willing to re-do his resume and give him business contacts. But he does not take anything that is offered to him. Not only that, he complains about how he is the only one who he can count on, because he can’t depend on anyone else. He has a plot of land that is lives on, and a huge 5 bedroom house that is being rented, he has a very useful trade that can make him money. And yet he dramatically wallows in self pity as he declares how rough he has it.

Really? Come on.  This guy is so much luckier than so many. There are people out there with no friends and family, people who are truly alone. There are those who have been out of work for years with families to support (he is single, no kids).  And this guy wants to be dramatic?

In radio, they say you aren’t a professional until you’ve been fired at least twice. The same with contracting – everyone knows that the contract could be over any time, without notice, at no fault of your own. I have lost about 20 jobs in my lifetime. I have put a nephew through college during some of these times. I have struggled and scrimped, just like everyone else. But you bet your bum I sent out a ton of resumes, bugged my friends and family for contacts, asked for help, for references and bugged the heck out of recruiters. I think a few might have given me jobs just so I would shut up. But it worked. I’m not too proud to beg or and ask for help when it comes to something as important as having an income. Friends, family, business contacts, the stranger on the street…it doesn;t matter. A girls gotta eat.

So I get very short with those who won’t help themselves, or who won’t take advantage of all the support and opportunities available to them. Why do they choose to not help themselves? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a lack of confidence. Maybe they enjoy being miserable or wallowing in self pity. Maybe it’s a thousand other reasons. But they aren’t  my concern, to be honest. And they shouldn’t be yours either, if you have tried to help them.

Let’s face it, loosing a job just isn’t that uncommon these days. It’s just not that special. It happens to people very day. And you just do what you have to do. You make contacts, network, accept help and even get a job at McDonalds if you have to, to pay the bills in the meantime. Yes, it sucks, but that’s just life. But one thing is for sure, nothing is going to happen if you don’t stop wallowing and get off the couch.

And if you encounter someone who can’t be helped? Step – no run away – as fast as you can. Don’t bother helping those who won’t help themselves, It’s wasted energy and you have much better things to do with your time.

Aaaand, Im Back!

Ada Lamar has been dark for over 6 months as I took a break from this blog. The time away has been wonderful and filled with much magic. Life is filled with long walks, long talks, lots of family, hope, dreams, love, hand holding and wine. There has been much writing, a career I love, meeting great people, making stronger bonds with old friends, midnight gardening by the moonlight, travel, sunburns, house cleaning and warm sheets. Along the way there has been good news, bad news, tears and laughter. Lots of desserts, plans, saying goodbye and many hello’s. Prayers, fights, triumphs, motorcycle rides, roller derbies, boxing, running, playing and working. Sweat equity, painting, organizing, consolidating, planning, building staining hammering, learning and eating.

And every step pf the way, every heartbeat along the road, for everything I have carried and all that I have let go, I am happy and life is good.

And I look forward to writing about many more adventures to come!

The Best Parents in the World

We are stuck with the parents we get. Let’s face it, no one asked us before we were born who we would want to be our parents. We never got to fill out an order sheet of  “must haves” or “I wants” when it came to the people who would raise us and prepare us for the real world. With that in mind, I have to say I was so lucky and ridiculously blessed with who my parents are. I would have chosen them if I had the chance.

I was thinking about it tonight: It’s easy to be proud of your kids when they are successful, making lots of money and doing cool things. But my parents were proud of me when I was making nothing, and completely unsuccessful. That takes a lot of love.

I was in radio, in television, in theater…and making nothing. How many times did they pay my rent? How many times did they give me money for groceries? How many times did they pay my medical bills because I had no insurance? How many cars did they buy me? How many times did they pay my electric/gas/cell phone/every-other-bill? And they still looked at me and told me they were proud of me.

I called my mother today and told her thank you for all the support, both monetarily and emotionally. Thank you for being proud of me when I was making nothing, not even scraping by. Thank you for coming to every play I was in, for listening to my radio shows, for watching my commercials on TV,for paying for acting classes. Thank you for supporting me following my dream.  Thank you for always believing in me, even when I when I had nothing to show for all the work I was doing.

She simply said “Of course we were proud of you and still are. Even then we could see your drive.”

I started to cry.

So parents, be proud of your children,and support them even when they are not successful. Be proud of them and support them even when they make decisions that you do not agree with (my parents knew radio, TV and theater made no money and wanted me to do something more profitable). Because they will remember, when they are 40, when they are 30, when they are 25 (and 50, 60, 70..)…that you were always there for them. They will remember and love you infinitely for always being there for them when they were striking out and following their dreams – however silly they may seem.

I know  parents who refused to pay for their children’s college if they did not study something profitable. I remember watching a movie called October Sky, and the child had a dream, but they father did not understand and did not support his son. The son followed his dream anyway. But the best moment was when his father finally got it, and came out to support him. That was a moment that character would never forget.

And indeed, as I look back at my life, I know I would not be where I am today, a successful writer making a great living, living my dream, without my parents supporting me all those years ago, for all these years. And I would not be able to accomplish all that I will in the future, if it were not for my parents supporting me so long ago. Even when they did not agree with me, even when they thought I might fail, even when they thought I was making the wrong decision, they were still there for me. They have always been my biggest cheering section. There are no words to express how much I love them for that, how much I appreciate them for everything.

So parents, support your children. It’s easy to be proud of them when they are successful and doing everything you want them to do…but the best parents support their kids regardless. Because when you are proud of your kids no matter what, they, in turn, will be proud of you as a parents.

So thank you to my wonderful parents, who for so many reasons are the best parents in the world. I could not be where I am today, and where I will be in the future, with you and your support. I love you more than words can say. And every day, I thank God that the two of you were my parents.

The Winding Road to Here

It is so very interesting how people get from there to here, here being where ever they are now. And I wonder if life ever happens exactly as we think it will. All the roads we take, the paths to which they lead, and the adventures we take that we not on our planned road map.

 For instance, I never thought I would be a writer. But it just came so natural that I didn’t even think about it. Funny how something can be so comfortable and natural that it doesn’t even occur to you.  But it means something.

 Even in school, I wrote plays and reports. Friends and classmates would have me look over and edit their assignments. I started that in 3^rd grade. Even the teachers in third grade asked me to help them write a play they were writing specifically for the school. At the time I thought nothing about it. I’ve written in a journal since I was 10.

 In high school got A’s for writing assignments, research papers and short stories. But do not ask me to diagram a sentence. I can’t do it. But I can write. In college I loved English classes and have always been a bookworm as a child and an adult

By the time I was an adult in the working world, every where I went they had me write once they saw I could do it. In addition to my regular job duties, I wrote sales copy, commercial copy, reports, memos, white papers, web copy, SEO copy, press releases, news articles, public service announcements and press releases. If they needed it,, I wrote it. For 20 years.

And then I became a writer, once I figured out that is what I was all along. And now I get paid to live my dream every day.  But I never thought I would be here, but am so happy I am.

And in life, would we want it any other way? People have asked if I ever wished I started as a writer earlier. No, I tell them, because as it turns out I was a writer all along, and my experiences in other industries, doing other things has only enriched my career that I have now. I could not be the writer I am without having had gone down those winding paths to here.

The things we do, adventures we have, the people we meet along the way to where we are going, even when we are not on the path on which we thought we would be…are what make our lives and ourselves, what they are. Those paths we take to here, change us and make our lives all the better.

So pay attention to those paths and to what is so comfortable that it may otherwise go unnoticed. Because those paths lead to the most bliss indeed. I have followed those subtle things, and I am happier than I have ever been. But first you must have the courage and passion to follow them, even if they make no sense, even if others call you crazy. And maybe you have to be a little crazy to take the path of your dreams, no matter what others think or say. Maybe you have to be just a little crazy to find that kind of peace and happiness.

So let the naysayers have all the negativity. You will be too busy being happy to even notice what others are saying anyway.

Of Prayers Family and Grace

Prayers for Dad

We all have those moments that just get right down to the core of you. My family and I have been so very blessed, but still there is worry.

Two months ago he came up for a very large dose of chemo. Today there is the MRI to find if the chemo worked or if the tumors are still in his liver.

All signs are good that the tumors are gone. But still there is worry. When you love someone, no matter how faithful you are, there is still worry and a bit of fear. You want those you love to be healthy. And when there is a chance that they are not, then it sits in your stomach like a ball of lead. It stays in your mind and on your heart.

So if you are a person of faith, please say a prayer that the chemo worked. That he is healthy and will not need any more treatments. Thank you.

Grace in Motion

I have written much about my search for Grace. I have prayed for it, sought it out, taken deep breaths to attain it. And I have, many times in the last few months, been very proud of the Grace I have displayed when others have hurt me. But even I have my limits.

It seems I have Grace for the most part…except when I need it most. This past week has been an example. This past week, a few things happened that cut me to the core. Deep cuts born from lies others have told, lied about those lies and left me wondering why I did not see them before now.

And it is during these times that I need Grace the most. But then I am only human, and even though I strive for Grace at all times, I have slipped a time or two. Between those events happening, anxiety over my father’s health and a bad case of PMS with a shortage of chocolate, I have been a girl in a mad mood on a mission.

And that is part of being human, you make mistakes, react in bad ways sometimes, try and fail, fall short of what you want to be, try again harder, and hopefully you learn a but along the way.

Our lives are always in motion, moving forward, moving on, moving past everything before it. And as I take a deep breath, I have to let go of the fear, of my father’s health, of being betrayed again, of more lies, of frustration, of being hurt. Because as our lives are in motion, so is our Grace, and compassion and empathy for others.

Grace is defined as: Mercy; clemency. To give kindness and consideration beyond what is deserved. I have not followed this definition as I should have. This is something that can be difficult for a fiery red-head to learn. One would thing that if you have found Peace as I have, Grace would not be far behind. But the art of Grace is just that, an art. And maybe one has a  lot of training in order to get it right.

I am a work in motion, as is the Grace that I strive to practice on a daily basis. Every day starts a new, with promises of mistakes not to be made.

The Last Day

We all have those times when we look around and realize that it is the last day…of high school, of college, of a particular career, of many things in life. It is the end. And there is a new beginning that awaits.

Today is it. The last day…of my 30’s.  And looking back, it has been a great decade.  And I have learned so much. And I have worked hard and accomplished much. I think that the decade of my 30’s was working hard and establishing myself – my personality, my career and talent, my writing, myself. Now, entering into my 40’s, I have nothing to prove to anyone. Been there, done that. And they can kiss my bum if they don’t like it.

My 30’s truly were magnificent. And I say goodbye to them fondly.  When I think back, I smile. Some of my best times have been in this decade. Some of the worst times too, but all in all the good has far outweighed the bad.

I have been in NYC, had trips of a lifetime. I have dined in some of the finest restaurants in my 30’s. I have enjoyed being flown in private planes, for private weekends in the Bahamas. I have held and stolen kisses. I have worked hard, traveled well, had money and been completely broke (having money is better, btw). I have been naive and been very smart. I have been the outcast and the toast of the town\, been the object of praise and scorn. I have cried tears of joy and of immense sorrow.

And I have done it all my way. I have kept true to myself, my integrity and my code of honor. And I am proud of this. Many cannot say the same. And the mistakes that I have made? Well, they just made me smarter. The people who have hurt me? They just made me better and stronger.

And so here I am. On the eve of my 40^th birthday, and I know the next ten years will be even better than the last. And I truly cannot wait for the adventure, memories that will be made, truths that will be discovered and told, and smiles and laughter that will be had, good times all the wonder of life. Bad times? Oh, I am sure there will be a few mixed in there, but I am not worried.

And aging? Forgetaboutit! Father Time and I made a deal a long time ago, that I would only get better with age. Like a fine wine. And so, those tiny wrinkles? Those little laugh lines? Even gravity…they do not scare me. I am Ada. I am a Burch. I am my Father’s daughter. I am my Mother’s daughter. And I am about to be 40. And so I say to life:

Take my hand and let’s jump right in!

To Love and Be Loved

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  ― Lao Tzu

More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.

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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different  loves and all the different levels.

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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?

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This is where I find myself to day.  as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.

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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.

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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.

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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.

Why You Should Give to Charity

Sometimes in life we have those surreal moments where we meet someone famous we never thought we would ever meet. One of those moments happened to me many years ago in Columbus Ohio. I was working as a loan officer at a bank, and we had our Christmas Banquet at the headquarters in Cincinnati. Jerry Springer was actually on the board of the bank and spoke at the banquet.

Many people may not know that Jerry Springer is actually an attorney and was once the mayor of Cincinnati. He was fired from his job as mayor after paying a hooker with a city check. I guess his life might have inspired his show.

He is also very surprisingly a very charismatic speaker and held every one’s attention during his speech. You could have heard a pin drop. And his speech was one of the best that I have ever heard. He was funny, charming and very poignant. He was often self deprecating, often making fun of himself, his life and has show.  He spoke mainly of giving back and charity.  He talked about how no matter what we do in life, we need to give back in some way. we need to do this because we are lucky enough to have been born in this country of wealth and opportunity.

There is no difference, he said, between a child born in the U. S. and a child born in Ethiopia. One simply is lucky enough to be born with a chance at everything, the other with the mostly likely chance they will live in poverty and sickness, if they survive at all.  He talked about giving back could be in the form of money time or talent. he then talked about the individual benefits that can be given to charities by each one of these ways of giving.

So no matter where you are, what you do, how much or how little you have, always give back. Always be aware of how lucky you are to be where you aer, because so many others have it so much worse. Always remember where you could have been born, and they life you could be living – starving, malnourished, abused, forgotten , sold into slavery and trafficking, or worse. So give to charity, to your community and to those in need. Because after all, there really is no difference between us but a little bit of luck.

 

Who would have thought that such an infamous person could teach a room of wealthy bankers anything. But by the time he was done, there was not a fry eye in the place. And at the end of his Speech, Mr. Springer then presented a check of $100,000 to the charity of the banks choosing in the community. He said he had been lucky enough to have the life he had, where he had fun every day and wanted for nothing. and he too, needed to give back.

 

I have always been taught to give back, but I had always just thought it was the right thing to do, It never occured to be to be so thankful for being born in the U.S. until that day. But he was right, I could have been born a million other places, into a million other lives. And I was blessed enough to be born where I was to who I was. And that is something I will never forget.

 

I am so very happy. I have the life I have always breamed of, a career I love, people I love and who love me, amazinf friends and a healthy family. I have Peace. And I have found the Grace of God. It has not been easy, but it coul dhave been so much worse. I have been so blessed in my life, that I cannot complain about anything. And I am happier that I have ever been in my life.

 

So give to your community, whether it’s time money or talent. There are so many in need and it could have been any one of us by simple luck of the draw.

How Being a Misfit is Good

I have a confession to make. And it’s pretty big, so you may want to sit down. Here it is: I am a misfit. Yep. Totally. Absolutley.

According to the Briggs-Meyers personality test, I am an ENTJ, which for those people who know me in reality, describes me to a T. And I am also quite a bit of a misfit. I am clumsy, often put my foot in my mouth, my entire life is a sitcom of embarrassing and Bridget Jones type situations. And my lack of ability to spell on this blog puts me in rare company. Let’s face it, anyone who manages to drop their drug test pee cup in front of a super hot guy, or trip over a couch in a furniture store just has to accept the fact that they are different.

But everyone else is different too, that makes me normal. Kind of.

Being a misfit is not all bad. Many people and companies can benefit from the “misfits.” These traits are what also make me creative and able to write so well. These traits are what give me the ability to communicate with such a huge cross-section of people about such a wide array of topics. These traits are also what get me into trouble from time to time.

Details are very important. and they are the bane of my existence. I am horrible at details. When I was in school, I could do the math in my head, but hard a hard time getting the right answers when I worked  them out long hand. Want to see both a frustrated student and teacher? Try a student who can only do the math in her head, and a teacher who can’t get the student to get the right answer worked out on paper. I couldn’t explain how I got it right, but the teacher knew I wasn’t cheating because I did not have access to the answers.

Which is more important though, the ability to pay attention to detail, or the ability to concentrate? Not sure. I do have great concentration abilities. Which is good because I am so bad at details. I have to concentrate very hard to be meticulous. And it works. I often uncover details in my research that no one else can find and am able to put the information together in ways others can not connect.  And the great thing about being an adult and not in school is that you can just call it “instinct,” and then you don’t have to explain it on paper.

Listening is also a great ability to have, but it is one that does not come natural to me either. That is because many times my brain is going so fast with ideas that I miss out on what the other person is saying. I have to concentrate, once again, on slowing down and make a conscious effort to listen. That takes an effort. So what it boils dow to is this: If I care about you I will listen to you. If I don’t, I won’t. Because if I don’t care about you, why would I care what you have to say? It’s not very politically correct, but that is the reality.

What I have found about listening  is that it’s an intensely intimate act. To quiet your own thoughts down enough to hear the other persons voice is tremendous. To really take in what they are saying, comprehend the meaning behind it, and listen to what they are not saying as well. Listening is an act of compassion, caring, empathy and love. Because just the single act of listening creates connection. You cannot truly listen to another and not feel a connection, whether positive or negative.

Listening also forces you to take a step back and consider other possibilities. I am a bit of a control freak, but if I listen to what someone I care about wants, and it is different from what I want, I have to let go. I have to give up control and let the other person in. Listening forces you to let go, because if you care about the other person, what they want and how they feel, you want them to be happy. Others cannot be happy if you are always in control.

Another thing that makes me a misfit? The fact that when I am in my car I have conversations in my head. I think of how the best way to handle meetings, conflicts and conversations. I plan out what I need to say and how. That is how much of a control freak I am. So listening to others helps me stay connected with others. Listening helps me let life unfold on it’s own, without my interference.

Those are the big things that contribute to my misfitness. There are also the issues of my extreme clumsiness, my inability to grow houseplants without killing them, the fact that I must walk on my tip toes when happy or when going up stairs, the extreme need for a daily fix of chocolate and a ridiculous work ethic.

But looking around, many others have those issues too. So maybe we can all be misfits, together.

Between the Lines

I have not been writing as much recently, or in the last few days or so. This is a bit odd to be because I am used to writing and posting almost every day. But something is happening. I am busy enjoying life.

And it occurred to me that sometimes you have to stop writing about life, and start living it in order to have something valuable to write and say later. Sometimes you have to take a break, take a few steps back, gain perspective and just enjoy.

It is different than writers block, because frankly I do have a lot about which to write. But they are things that might seem boring, like how I love to sit and look at the Christmas tree when the lights are off. Or how much I am looking forward to my sister’s visit for her birthday. Or even how thrilled I am that the Christmas presents that I have ordered for loved ones are arriving. Or how much I look forward to going to the formal holiday parties and dressing up, how much I enjoy re-connecting with friends right now, how I am enjoying long slow kisses, my new work space, even getting lost in the new parking deck for 30 minutes (have I mentioned my lack of sense of direction?). How O need to vacuum my house because the dust bunnies are waging war against the tufts of cat hair. How I am enjoying my house plants actually blooming inside, or how much I am looking forward to New Years.

How I am enjoying long looks, happy dinners and much laughter. How it is shopping with friends, finding the perfect dress with the perfect fit, a glass of wine and good conversation, a hot cup of tea, a fire, a long run, crisp mornings, purring kitties, snuggling up to him that is making life just delicious. THat taking a break is not always a bad thing, that it can mean that life is blooming right before your eyes.

I am actually too busy enjoying all of these things to actually take the time to write about them as much as I want. And that may not be a bad thing. It is often what others may find boring that comprises our lives. But that does not mean out lives are boring, far from it actually. Because life is mostly made up of those tiny little moments that may not mean much to others, but mean so much to each one of us individually. Life is all that which we do not write, that makes it so wonderful, mysterious, interesting and beautiful. Life is what happens between the lines.

So here I am, enjoying my spot between the lines. Enjoying the “boring” parts, where everything in my life right now is special, magic and wonderful, and just for me.