We all have those moments that give us pause. And sometimes they can come from the strangest places. Like last night. It is a tag line I heard while the TV was on in the background. It was an interview with Deepak Chopra’s new book, What are You Hungry For? And suddenly my ears perked up and time stopped for a moment. In this time of transition, it is a timely question. And it made me think…
What am I hungry for? In short, on word cam e to mind: Life. I am hungry for life. But on my terms, which, let’s face it, doesn’t always happen. So how do we navigate this game called life when the terms are not always our own? Well,I don;t know what works for everyone, but for me it is prayer. Because I a not the most patient person, I am not the most gracious, or graceful.
So I have to pray for those things. Because I want what I want and I want it now. And I am constantly playing chess so to speak. Meaning that I am always planning 2-3 (or more) moves ahead. I am constantly working and planning and adjusting. While it may seem like I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person, and in many ways I am, the risks I take have been calculated. The spontaneous plans are because I have done the leg work already, and the odds are in my favor – even if no one sees it but me. Because I have been planning all along.
But that takes work. And a lot of prayer and faith. But Ia m hungry, for all that this life has to offer. I am hungry for these pans I have to work out, for the adventures the experiences, the thrills and the chills. I am hungry for it all. After the last few years I feel a if I have been starving, and I can smell a five start seven course meal.
But hungry for more than that, I am hungry for warmth, and love and friendship and laughter, and trust and loyalty and deep embraces and stability. I am hungry for food for the soul and healing. I am hungry for all that my family of choice have to offer and what I can share with them as well I am ready to get on with it.
Everything I want, everything for which I have prayed, is within reach. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I jut have to make it to the finish line. And I pray that it all works out, because in the end it always does. And when it does not work out on your terms so to speak, then just adapt. Make it your terms and work with what you have, Because the Universe loves a stubborn heart.
Life is short. Feast on what you are hungry for. Feast on what will feed your soul and heart.
Someone said to me that life must be like a well pruned garden; you must work to make it beautiful, to make sure that weeds to not grow and take over. You must nourish your life in order the flourish, just like you would a garden – for a garden can die in even the most fertile soil if it is not properly tended.
And so it is true in life. And we must go through periods of pruning. I have just gone through one of those times.
I have also, for many years, heard the saying “I was fine before you got here, and I’ll be fine after you leave.” And so it is. No one’s life is going to end because I am not in it. I will be just fine -and so will they.
I decided that 2014 will be the year of Peace. And so I will prune and shape my life in a way that Peace will be nurtured to grow. That means, getting rid of the weeds. That means making room to follow my dreams. A new place to live, new friends and so many wonderful opportunities are in front of me now.
This week has been a rather dramatic one, filled with controlling ex’s and false friends, a bogus law suit that was dismissed and now…Peace.
I am not sure why, with my ex, when it’s made clear that you do not want to be with someone, that they continue to bother you. But I put a stop to that. My landlords had no case, but of courtesy I put what I wanted in writing, when I would be leaving, exactly what I would pay for and how much. The judge agreed and signed off. The fact is, I would be moving to the new place regardless. They were mad I didn’t want to stay and tried to be vindictive. Silly rabbits, that never works.
Now that friendship is over, I plucked those weeds, and walked away. And the weeds of friends who called me cause trouble, stir the pot, cause drama by making threats over the situation – they are gone now too. I don’t understand why when you say “I will not have people who cause drama in my life,” some people run to you and test that statement. I’ll never understand why women are so catty with one another either. Too much reality TV maybe? Do they not have lives? Jobs? Or anything better to do than to sit around and talk about me? Because I am just not that interesting…No matter. I walk away, head held high.
It takes strength, it takes courage and it takes not being afraid to live your own truth, regardless of what others say – because they will twill twist it. They will twist the story to fit the justification of their own bad behavior. No worries. Let them be. What another person’s opinion of you is none of your business. And don’t argue with them, it’s the same result as teaching a pig to talk…you get dirty and it only aggravates the pig. I have better things to do.
And so as I look about, seeing everything that is in front of me, I see that the garden is in fertile soil and well pruned. Moving forward, life is Peaceful, there are no regrets. The water is still, the landscape is Peaceful and I am happy and feel lighter than I have in a long time. My new life begins, and the story that I write for this chapter of my life, will truly be amazing.
It is the rush of the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, dinners, decorating and family get-togethers. It is a time that we seem to rush around, hardly time to do anything besides get to the next thing we have to do. And this holiday season seems to be busier than those past.
But last night I took a walk in my quiet little neighborhood. I listened to the silence of the evening, looked at the lights and Christmas decorations that were around. There were children playing in the distance, laughing and running. I thought about my life, and the past year. All of the ups and downs, all of the events that made it 2013.
And through all of it all, there have been so many blessings woven in, even the bad times. I just needed some time and space to see them. And isn’t that how it always is? Things always seem to work out for the best, and end up just as they should. We just may not ever be able to predict the road that gets us there.
This year I have seen love, loss, heartache, joy, anger, Peace, struggles, having money, being poor, letting go, hanging on, breathing in, cleaning out and rising up .I have supported my family and had others support and help me. When I think back at just what has happened in the past year, it’s almost overwhelming to think of it all.
But I am so very thankful for being here, right now, in this place. It’s been a long road, but Bliss is all around. And it had taken a lot of work. Many think that happiness just lands in a persons lap. It doesn’t. It’s a decision you make and re-make every day. Work you do to keep it every day. But it’s worth it, to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.
So this holiday season, take .a moment. Pause and reflect. Eve for those for whom the holidays are difficult, take pause and look around. When you do, I promise you will see wonderful things around you . No matter where you are, it could be worse, but it’s not. And the good thing is if you feel like you are at the bottom, there is now where to go but up.
Take a moment, see the lights and the decorations. Enjoy the cold crisp air. Notice the energy of others around you. Enjoy your favorite TV shows, some hot tea, or a warm bowl of soup. Because it’s the small things that add up to making a good life. But we must take time to appreciate them.
This past weekend was one of the best that I have ad in a long time. One of my best friends, who I have missed since she moved away, visited this weekend. One she is one of those friends that no matter how long it has been since we have seen or talked to each other, it’s like no time has passed and we just pick up like it was yesterday. It was so good to see her and we had such fun. And along the way, there was a re-awakening.
We talked, laughed ate and drank. We talked of old times and people we knew, how they were and where they had been. We talked about our lives, our family and our boyfriends. We went to our favorite hangouts, our favorite stores and she laughed because even after several years, I am still clumsy as I ever was. And I told her some incredible news.
But mostly we talked about our plans and dreams for the future. We talk about our plans for our lives, our careers and the lives of our children. We traded ideas and suggestions of how to accomplish what we have set out to do. We talked about our hopes and fears, what we thought had held us back.
And as we talked of all that is to come, we both git so excited, and that is when the re-awakening happened. A re-awakening of my enthusiasm, my hope, my energy. I have been taking care of my family and it is taken most of my energy. And there are things that I have set aside until it is a better time. That better time is now. And I have much to do.
Surround yourself with positive people who love you, support you and believe in you. Those who will be your cheerleader and encourage you to reach higher than you thought you could. And your life will be filled with many awakenings.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen R. Covey
There is an old saying that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. I beg to differ. I am getting older and more set in my ways every year, and yet I learn new things all the time. My nephew teaches me new things all the time, and even convinces me to try new things as well. Mostly, he teaches me about math, physics, computers and robotics. Things about functions, real numbers and abstracts…and string theory, Schroedinger’s cat (I still don’t; understand why they couldn’t just put it in a clear box).
The other day as we were driving, he taught me something about classical music, a Vivaldi piece to be exact. And as we drove, he told me about how the peice was written to be a conversation. How the solo was the suggestion, the symphony the argument and then another part was the agreement. And as we drove I listened, for the first time, to music I have been listening to since i was a little girl, with a new ear. And it was almost like hearing it for the first time. All of the sudden the music was alive like it has never been before. I listened to each part, the suggestion, the argument, the response, the agreement.
And I can;t help but think, what if we listened to each other like this, with the same sense of newness? Just how much more would we hear? How many more things would we notice as if it were the first time? We would get the beauty of rediscovering our partners, our family and our friends.
There is a saying that all work and no play makes for a dull life. That certainly could not be said of life recently. Summer has wrapped up, fall is in the air and fun is everywhere. The last few months have seen so many wonderful adventures, first tries, new experiences, new friends, lots of laughter, so many memories and lots of smiles.
This past weekend almost a blur of activity with wonderful friends. There was a bike ride on a friends Harley, hot tubbing, dancing, singing, brunching, and topped off with a night of incredible music filled with so much soul it brought one of my friends and I to tears. I haven’t danced like that in a few years. And some of the best places to dance are redneck bars – where many on the dance floor have already taken off their shoes. Club dancing is fun – if you have on a super hot fabulous outfit, if you want to see and be seen, and if you want to meet models…but for just plain, fun, don’t care how I look, just want to have fun dancing, you need a red neck bar. Trust me on this.
Riding on the back of a bike is wonderful. To be that free, to have the wind rushing past you, is amazing and the best way to travel. And with someone trusted it is pure fun. And to do something just for the pure fun of it is something we forget to do as adults. We have responsiblities and haven;t the time for such nonsense. What. Ev. Ah. Always be curious.
Then there was a the roller derby – a friend had extra tickets. Having never been to a roller derby, and being the adventurous type that is always up for trying new tings, I said yes before i could lace up the roller skates. If you never been to one and ever get the chance to go, do it. It is so much fun. It’s like going to a hockey game. Except it’s on skates. And it’s girls. My nephew loved it and thought it was the best thing since the National Cheer-leading Competition cam to Atlanta. Sitting with friends, drinking cheap beer while in a packed stadium, watching girls on roller skates zip around the track and push each other around was a total blast.
Next was going to a dirt track and watching all the races – formula cars, mustangs, more kinds of cars and races than I can remember. Don’t go for the beer – they don’t serve it, but it’s a great family atmosphere with lots of cars that go fast and make a lot of noise. Perfect for a father/son outing. Or just a couple sisters hanging out with a friend. And I almost managed to NOT smile anything. Almost.
In the past month I have also worked quite a bit in a friends shop. I remember my dad having a hue shop and doing a lot of woodwork. As he would work, I would hear the loud sound of the saw, smell the saw dust then hear the hammer or sander. So it was so much fun to go into my friends shop and watch as he worked with the wood and metal, instructing me what to do and how to do it. I helped build shelves. Yes, I had done this before, but not in many years. And I stained the shelves. And then they were put up in his house, where they will be used and loved for many years. It was a great feeling to have made something out of nothing. To have it be tangible, useful and pretty.
And I have gone swimming in a river, in the woods, where only the locals go. Again, something I have grown up doing, but not for a long time. And I have ridden in a truck, with the windows down and my feet either on the dash, or out of the window, in true, southern style. I have driven miles and miles, gone hiking, listened to the rain on a tin roof, felt sound and been exhausted from pure joy of life.
Yes, I have worked very hard during this time, but in the spirit of keeping things balanced I have done something new. I have played just as hard as well. I have taken pause and time to take care of the playful in me. I have indulged my curiosity, sung at the top of my lungs, listened to the crickets and watched the magic of the fireflies.
And I have let my emotions go as well. I have cried when I felt like it instead of holding back. And even when it was scary, I was vulnerable, and let others comfort me in my tears. I have known the pain of too much tenderness. And in morning, when the sun rose, there was always a new chance.
So play as hard as you work. Take as many chances as you can, as many new experiences as you can stand and drink them up like a sponge. Because you will never get that day, that chance again. And you never know just what treasure you may find.
live authentically., live honestly. Live passionately.
Ada Lamar has been dark for over 6 months as I took a break from this blog. The time away has been wonderful and filled with much magic. Life is filled with long walks, long talks, lots of family, hope, dreams, love, hand holding and wine. There has been much writing, a career I love, meeting great people, making stronger bonds with old friends, midnight gardening by the moonlight, travel, sunburns, house cleaning and warm sheets. Along the way there has been good news, bad news, tears and laughter. Lots of desserts, plans, saying goodbye and many hello’s. Prayers, fights, triumphs, motorcycle rides, roller derbies, boxing, running, playing and working. Sweat equity, painting, organizing, consolidating, planning, building staining hammering, learning and eating.
And every step pf the way, every heartbeat along the road, for everything I have carried and all that I have let go, I am happy and life is good.
And I look forward to writing about many more adventures to come!
We are stuck with the parents we get. Let’s face it, no one asked us before we were born who we would want to be our parents. We never got to fill out an order sheet of “must haves” or “I wants” when it came to the people who would raise us and prepare us for the real world. With that in mind, I have to say I was so lucky and ridiculously blessed with who my parents are. I would have chosen them if I had the chance.
I was thinking about it tonight: It’s easy to be proud of your kids when they are successful, making lots of money and doing cool things. But my parents were proud of me when I was making nothing, and completely unsuccessful. That takes a lot of love.
I was in radio, in television, in theater…and making nothing. How many times did they pay my rent? How many times did they give me money for groceries? How many times did they pay my medical bills because I had no insurance? How many cars did they buy me? How many times did they pay my electric/gas/cell phone/every-other-bill? And they still looked at me and told me they were proud of me.
I called my mother today and told her thank you for all the support, both monetarily and emotionally. Thank you for being proud of me when I was making nothing, not even scraping by. Thank you for coming to every play I was in, for listening to my radio shows, for watching my commercials on TV,for paying for acting classes. Thank you for supporting me following my dream. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I when I had nothing to show for all the work I was doing.
She simply said “Of course we were proud of you and still are. Even then we could see your drive.”
I started to cry.
So parents, be proud of your children,and support them even when they are not successful. Be proud of them and support them even when they make decisions that you do not agree with (my parents knew radio, TV and theater made no money and wanted me to do something more profitable). Because they will remember, when they are 40, when they are 30, when they are 25 (and 50, 60, 70..)…that you were always there for them. They will remember and love you infinitely for always being there for them when they were striking out and following their dreams – however silly they may seem.
I know parents who refused to pay for their children’s college if they did not study something profitable. I remember watching a movie called October Sky, and the child had a dream, but they father did not understand and did not support his son. The son followed his dream anyway. But the best moment was when his father finally got it, and came out to support him. That was a moment that character would never forget.
And indeed, as I look back at my life, I know I would not be where I am today, a successful writer making a great living, living my dream, without my parents supporting me all those years ago, for all these years. And I would not be able to accomplish all that I will in the future, if it were not for my parents supporting me so long ago. Even when they did not agree with me, even when they thought I might fail, even when they thought I was making the wrong decision, they were still there for me. They have always been my biggest cheering section. There are no words to express how much I love them for that, how much I appreciate them for everything.
So parents, support your children. It’s easy to be proud of them when they are successful and doing everything you want them to do…but the best parents support their kids regardless. Because when you are proud of your kids no matter what, they, in turn, will be proud of you as a parents.
So thank you to my wonderful parents, who for so many reasons are the best parents in the world. I could not be where I am today, and where I will be in the future, with you and your support. I love you more than words can say. And every day, I thank God that the two of you were my parents.
It is so very interesting how people get from there to here, here being where ever they are now. And I wonder if life ever happens exactly as we think it will. All the roads we take, the paths to which they lead, and the adventures we take that we not on our planned road map.
For instance, I never thought I would be a writer. But it just came so natural that I didn’t even think about it. Funny how something can be so comfortable and natural that it doesn’t even occur to you. But it means something.
Even in school, I wrote plays and reports. Friends and classmates would have me look over and edit their assignments. I started that in 3rd grade. Even the teachers in third grade asked me to help them write a play they were writing specifically for the school. At the time I thought nothing about it. I’ve written in a journal since I was 10.
In high school got A’s for writing assignments, research papers and short stories. But do not ask me to diagram a sentence. I can’t do it. But I can write. In college I loved English classes and have always been a bookworm as a child and an adult
By the time I was an adult in the working world, every where I went they had me write once they saw I could do it. In addition to my regular job duties, I wrote sales copy, commercial copy, reports, memos, white papers, web copy, SEO copy, press releases, news articles, public service announcements and press releases. If they needed it,, I wrote it. For 20 years.
And then I became a writer, once I figured out that is what I was all along. And now I get paid to live my dream every day. But I never thought I would be here, but am so happy I am.
And in life, would we want it any other way? People have asked if I ever wished I started as a writer earlier. No, I tell them, because as it turns out I was a writer all along, and my experiences in other industries, doing other things has only enriched my career that I have now. I could not be the writer I am without having had gone down those winding paths to here.
The things we do, adventures we have, the people we meet along the way to where we are going, even when we are not on the path on which we thought we would be…are what make our lives and ourselves, what they are. Those paths we take to here, change us and make our lives all the better.
So pay attention to those paths and to what is so comfortable that it may otherwise go unnoticed. Because those paths lead to the most bliss indeed. I have followed those subtle things, and I am happier than I have ever been. But first you must have the courage and passion to follow them, even if they make no sense, even if others call you crazy. And maybe you have to be a little crazy to take the path of your dreams, no matter what others think or say. Maybe you have to be just a little crazy to find that kind of peace and happiness.
So let the naysayers have all the negativity. You will be too busy being happy to even notice what others are saying anyway.
We say a lot of prayers in our lifetime. I certainly have said my share of them. Some have been answered, some have not. The definition of Faith is believing oin something that cannot be seen or proved. And when you pray, you have to have faith that what is supposed to be will be. You have to have faith that God will come through for you, even if it is not in the way you planned.
I used to take issue with asking for what I wanted in life to be happy. My mother and I had a conversation about this and she was surprised to hear me say that I never asked God for what I wanted. She asked what I prayed for when I prayed. I told her that I simply prayed for God’s will to be done.
She smiled and told me that having faith was asking God, praying for what wew wanted, THEN trusting God that however the prayer was answered was his will. But as his children we had the right to ask for the life we wanted, for our heart’s desire, for what would make us happy. For just as a parent want’s their child to come to them when they want or need something, so does God with us.
And so I started praying different prayers. I prayed heartfully and faithfully for what would make me the happiest. The I said that I hoped that these things were God’s will, but if they were not, I would know that whatever His will was, it was best. And truly it has been.
And my prayers have been answered more wholly than I ever could have imagined. I prayed for guidance to find a career that I truly loved. And I have it. I work for a great company doing what I love, what I cannot believe I actually get paid to do every day. I am a writer. Wow.
And I prayed for my family’s health. And both my parents and healthy, which is unbelievable considering the types of cancer they both had. I prayed that t he crazy ex leave me alone and never cross my threshold again. And that prayer has been answered too.
And I prayed for love. And I have more love in my life than I know what to do with. I am showered with more love than I thought possible every day of my life.. It is magnificent. And I prayed for a full life. And this weekend is a prime example of a life that is filled to the brim with wonderfulness.
Family, friends, loved ones, a puppy and a cat, in addition to my two cats, and they other two that I am fostering. Yes, it will be a very full house, representing my abundant life.
But it was not always easy. Looking back at the pasty year, it has been quite a ride. Quite an up and down hill adventure. But that is the thing about life; it’s magic, crazy, wonderful, tragic, amazing, incredible, beautiful, scary, joyful…and so much more.
Yes life is good and I am happy. An no one can take that away or make my life anything less than incredible. I have all that I have asked for and more.
We all have birthdays, we all have milestones in our lives. What is fun is when the two intersect. And there are many times in our lives that this happens: turning 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, 50…
Yesterday I experiences my 40th birthday. It was the best birthday ever and one hellava milestone in life. I am not sure why, but most women dread their 40th birthday, and just getting older period. I have never understood this. Growing older, to me, is a wonderful thing. And I have always looked forward to my 40th birthday. Oddly enough, it’s those who are under the age of 40 who seem to fear that number so much.
The women I know who are 40 and above, smiled, told me how wonderful being in my 40’s would be, that I would love it and welcomed me to the club. And it does feel like I have entered into some exclusive club now, a place where only women o f a certain age and maturity understand and are allowed. And not one of those women said that their 40’s were bad, or even unpleasant. They all smiled and said they loved being in their 40’s and it truly was magnificent. And truly it is.
It does make me wonder though, why do younger women fear that number so much? D they feel that it is the loss of youth? That they no longer will be beautiful or desirable? Is it the young that give 40 a bad name? Because I have to tell you, from this side of the mirror, it’s fantastic.
I spent what is arguably the best birthday of my life in the spa, being pampered. It was wonderful and my skin and hair are glowing today. But even beyond the wonderful spa treatemtns, I have noticed something wonderful: I have noticed and fallen in love with the process of aging.
And why not? You can’t stop it, so you might as well enjoy it. Which is something I have found rather easy. I enjoy seeing those little laugh lines around my eyes and mouth. I enjoy my body and how it looks and feels as I age. And the older I get, the more like a women I feel. I enjoy the way my stomach looks, even though it is not as flat as it used to be. I enjoy the look of my legs, my arms, everything. There is a new confidence that never existed when I was younger. It is a comfort of not only being comfortable in my own skin, but loving my skin.
My 20’s were so much fun, and I had a good time and worked hard in my 30’s. But I LOVE being 40. And I look at those young girls, who are as I used to be, and I smile. I think “good for them!” They are younger and they should enjoy it, because as much fun as they ae having now, it’s only going to get better.
At 40, you become more relaxed. You’ve been there, done that and really don’t care. You have nothing to prove and know you have earned the right to do what you want, no explanation needed, or given. You can do things in your 40’s that you could never do at any younger age. You have the confidence to carry yourself in whatever situation you may find you want to get into. Things that bothered you before don’t bother you now. And you just shake your head and know that you are too busy to be bothered with the small stuff. And most things are the small stuff.
And so it is with a smile and a wink…and a fabulous day at the spa, that I enter into this new decade.
We all have those times when we look around and realize that it is the last day…of high school, of college, of a particular career, of many things in life. It is the end. And there is a new beginning that awaits.
Today is it. The last day…of my 30’s. And looking back, it has been a great decade. And I have learned so much. And I have worked hard and accomplished much. I think that the decade of my 30’s was working hard and establishing myself – my personality, my career and talent, my writing, myself. Now, entering into my 40’s, I have nothing to prove to anyone. Been there, done that. And they can kiss my bum if they don’t like it.
My 30’s truly were magnificent. And I say goodbye to them fondly. When I think back, I smile. Some of my best times have been in this decade. Some of the worst times too, but all in all the good has far outweighed the bad.
I have been in NYC, had trips of a lifetime. I have dined in some of the finest restaurants in my 30’s. I have enjoyed being flown in private planes, for private weekends in the Bahamas. I have held and stolen kisses. I have worked hard, traveled well, had money and been completely broke (having money is better, btw). I have been naive and been very smart. I have been the outcast and the toast of the town\, been the object of praise and scorn. I have cried tears of joy and of immense sorrow.
And I have done it all my way. I have kept true to myself, my integrity and my code of honor. And I am proud of this. Many cannot say the same. And the mistakes that I have made? Well, they just made me smarter. The people who have hurt me? They just made me better and stronger.
And so here I am. On the eve of my 40th birthday, and I know the next ten years will be even better than the last. And I truly cannot wait for the adventure, memories that will be made, truths that will be discovered and told, and smiles and laughter that will be had, good times all the wonder of life. Bad times? Oh, I am sure there will be a few mixed in there, but I am not worried.
And aging? Forgetaboutit! Father Time and I made a deal a long time ago, that I would only get better with age. Like a fine wine. And so, those tiny wrinkles? Those little laugh lines? Even gravity…they do not scare me. I am Ada. I am a Burch. I am my Father’s daughter. I am my Mother’s daughter. And I am about to be 40. And so I say to life:
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu
More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.
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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different loves and all the different levels.
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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?
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This is where I find myself to day. as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.
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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.
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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.
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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.
Sometimes in life we have those surreal moments where we meet someone famous we never thought we would ever meet. One of those moments happened to me many years ago in Columbus Ohio. I was working as a loan officer at a bank, and we had our Christmas Banquet at the headquarters in Cincinnati. Jerry Springer was actually on the board of the bank and spoke at the banquet.
Many people may not know that Jerry Springer is actually an attorney and was once the mayor of Cincinnati. He was fired from his job as mayor after paying a hooker with a city check. I guess his life might have inspired his show.
He is also very surprisingly a very charismatic speaker and held every one’s attention during his speech. You could have heard a pin drop. And his speech was one of the best that I have ever heard. He was funny, charming and very poignant. He was often self deprecating, often making fun of himself, his life and has show. He spoke mainly of giving back and charity. He talked about how no matter what we do in life, we need to give back in some way. we need to do this because we are lucky enough to have been born in this country of wealth and opportunity.
There is no difference, he said, between a child born in the U. S. and a child born in Ethiopia. One simply is lucky enough to be born with a chance at everything, the other with the mostly likely chance they will live in poverty and sickness, if they survive at all. He talked about giving back could be in the form of money time or talent. he then talked about the individual benefits that can be given to charities by each one of these ways of giving.
So no matter where you are, what you do, how much or how little you have, always give back. Always be aware of how lucky you are to be where you aer, because so many others have it so much worse. Always remember where you could have been born, and they life you could be living – starving, malnourished, abused, forgotten , sold into slavery and trafficking, or worse. So give to charity, to your community and to those in need. Because after all, there really is no difference between us but a little bit of luck.
Who would have thought that such an infamous person could teach a room of wealthy bankers anything. But by the time he was done, there was not a fry eye in the place. And at the end of his Speech, Mr. Springer then presented a check of $100,000 to the charity of the banks choosing in the community. He said he had been lucky enough to have the life he had, where he had fun every day and wanted for nothing. and he too, needed to give back.
I have always been taught to give back, but I had always just thought it was the right thing to do, It never occured to be to be so thankful for being born in the U.S. until that day. But he was right, I could have been born a million other places, into a million other lives. And I was blessed enough to be born where I was to who I was. And that is something I will never forget.
I am so very happy. I have the life I have always breamed of, a career I love, people I love and who love me, amazinf friends and a healthy family. I have Peace. And I have found the Grace of God. It has not been easy, but it coul dhave been so much worse. I have been so blessed in my life, that I cannot complain about anything. And I am happier that I have ever been in my life.
So give to your community, whether it’s time money or talent. There are so many in need and it could have been any one of us by simple luck of the draw.
It was a good year, it was a bad year. It was a long year. It was 2012. And now, finally, it is the last day. And as I look out on the landscape pf the year that has come to pass, I see much.
I have known my heart, mostly, open, happy, closed and everythng in between.
This year I have been heartbroken, joyful, regretful, happy, southful, thoughtful. I have held more love than I htought I could hold, and enpereinced more pain than I thought I could endure.
I have seen my father nearly die, and come back strong. I have seen my mother cry, my sister weep, known the taste of my own tears, this year.
And through it all, I have stayed myself. Through it all I have kept integrity, honor and loyalty. But it has not been easy. HTere were plenty of times when I could have taken the easy way – doing the right thing is often not the easiest thing to do.
But on this last day of the year, I look back and know, in my deepest hearts of heart, that I am in a better place than I thought I would be. The legal situaltion with the crazy ex is finally over with, I can feel the relief and pride of knowing I stood up to a bully and won. He will never contact me again. The chapter is finally closed.
And I have known more love this year than I ever thought possible. This was the year I learned about the mircale of love at first sight, and the also very tough lesson as to why you must take your time to get to know and love someone.
My friends have been wonderful this year, and I have truly been blessed to know each and every one of them.
In words, while this year has been very long, and so many things have happened over the last year, both good and bad…I can say that in the end, I am happy, greatful, blessed, Peaceful, content and aware of how very fragile we are.
To all of you from all of me…be safe and be happy.
I have a confession to make. And it’s pretty big, so you may want to sit down. Here it is: I am a misfit. Yep. Totally. Absolutley.
According to the Briggs-Meyers personality test, I am an ENTJ, which for those people who know me in reality, describes me to a T. And I am also quite a bit of a misfit. I am clumsy, often put my foot in my mouth, my entire life is a sitcom of embarrassing and Bridget Jones type situations. And my lack of ability to spell on this blog puts me in rare company. Let’s face it, anyone who manages to drop their drug test pee cup in front of a super hot guy, or trip over a couch in a furniture store just has to accept the fact that they are different.
But everyone else is different too, that makes me normal. Kind of.
Being a misfit is not all bad. Many people and companies can benefit from the “misfits.” These traits are what also make me creative and able to write so well. These traits are what give me the ability to communicate with such a huge cross-section of people about such a wide array of topics. These traits are also what get me into trouble from time to time.
Details are very important. and they are the bane of my existence. I am horrible at details. When I was in school, I could do the math in my head, but hard a hard time getting the right answers when I worked them out long hand. Want to see both a frustrated student and teacher? Try a student who can only do the math in her head, and a teacher who can’t get the student to get the right answer worked out on paper. I couldn’t explain how I got it right, but the teacher knew I wasn’t cheating because I did not have access to the answers.
Which is more important though, the ability to pay attention to detail, or the ability to concentrate? Not sure. I do have great concentration abilities. Which is good because I am so bad at details. I have to concentrate very hard to be meticulous. And it works. I often uncover details in my research that no one else can find and am able to put the information together in ways others can not connect. And the great thing about being an adult and not in school is that you can just call it “instinct,” and then you don’t have to explain it on paper.
Listening is also a great ability to have, but it is one that does not come natural to me either. That is because many times my brain is going so fast with ideas that I miss out on what the other person is saying. I have to concentrate, once again, on slowing down and make a conscious effort to listen. That takes an effort. So what it boils dow to is this: If I care about you I will listen to you. If I don’t, I won’t. Because if I don’t care about you, why would I care what you have to say? It’s not very politically correct, but that is the reality.
What I have found about listening is that it’s an intensely intimate act. To quiet your own thoughts down enough to hear the other persons voice is tremendous. To really take in what they are saying, comprehend the meaning behind it, and listen to what they are not saying as well. Listening is an act of compassion, caring, empathy and love. Because just the single act of listening creates connection. You cannot truly listen to another and not feel a connection, whether positive or negative.
Listening also forces you to take a step back and consider other possibilities. I am a bit of a control freak, but if I listen to what someone I care about wants, and it is different from what I want, I have to let go. I have to give up control and let the other person in. Listening forces you to let go, because if you care about the other person, what they want and how they feel, you want them to be happy. Others cannot be happy if you are always in control.
Another thing that makes me a misfit? The fact that when I am in my car I have conversations in my head. I think of how the best way to handle meetings, conflicts and conversations. I plan out what I need to say and how. That is how much of a control freak I am. So listening to others helps me stay connected with others. Listening helps me let life unfold on it’s own, without my interference.
Those are the big things that contribute to my misfitness. There are also the issues of my extreme clumsiness, my inability to grow houseplants without killing them, the fact that I must walk on my tip toes when happy or when going up stairs, the extreme need for a daily fix of chocolate and a ridiculous work ethic.
But looking around, many others have those issues too. So maybe we can all be misfits, together.
Miles and miles and miles, Uncountable miles in the last year.
I have traveled thousands of tear drops down these cheeks.
I have traveled millions of heartbeats around the universe.
I have traveled in dreams, nightmares, hopes and fears.
I have traveled countless breathes in this world, thinking of you.
I have traveled in cars, planes, trains, bikes, motorcycles and my own two feet in the past twelve months.
There have been miles and miles of smiles given, taken, stolen and hidden.
There have been oceans of thoughts in which to get lost, Across the galaxies of time.
From January to December and back again, there have been light years traveled in between raindrops.
In storms of emotion, a thousand ships launched, to find that safe harbor in my heart.
Hauntings and yearnings, longings and secrets kept, never even whispered in the darkest of the nighty.
There have been hundreds of miles of you explored in my mind, as thoughts race through endless nerves in my body.
There have been words written and stories read, upon pages and pages of paper.
From day 1 to day 365, there are trails of skins that have been shed, layers that have been peeled away, pieces of my heart that line the littered sidewalks of my memory.
There have been curse words and blessings uttered, prayers prayed and deals made.
Miles of laughter and promises, kept and broken.
Endless seas in which I was lost, ice storms where I found my way.
I have visited galaxies of lust, love, truth and lies in twelve months time.
And I have seen the the universes of trust, patience, hurt and confusion.
I have walked, bare foot, single hearted, upon the hot sands of your heart, leaving my footprints behind.
There were paths explored, caves overturned, mountains turned around.
I have climbed over doubts, run though dams of frustration, dug under surprises to find the root of it all.
I have been proud, ashamed, honored, trusted, betrayed, hated, loved, feared and wanted.
Wars fought, secrets kept, battles won, and tears wept.
All the while the ebb and flow of life and the moon followed by the heart and soul of one year.
Just one year.
How far have you traveled?
I have traveled a lifetime. That is how far I have come.
Day 28, Christmas decorations: Today I am thankful for Christmas decorations. This past Thanksgiving weekend, my Mother decided to pass her huge collection of Christmas Ornaments on to My sister and I. This was sad and exciting at the same time. Sad because she will not be putting up a Christmas Tree, exciting because the ornaments I have looked at since I was a little girl will now be hanging on my tree.
The decorating has already started and by the time it is all done, it will look like Christmas exploded in my house. Already there is mistletoe, Mr. and Mrs Claus by the front door and big red velvet bows. There are Christmas place mats and table clothes, bowls, candle holders, stockings and stocking holders. There are Christmas pot holders, mantle decorations, a table top Christmas tree, tinsel, wall hangings and Salt and pepper shakers. And that is just the beginning!
The Christmas tree will be put up and decorated tonight. My little Charlie Brown tree will be loaded down with Christmas ornaments old and new. There will be lights, balls, crosses, angels, bears, sheep, candy canes, mice, bells, bows, Santas, and even a Christmas Octopus. Oh, it will be wonderful. And the whole time the tree is being decorated, there will be Christmas music playing.
Did I mention I get a little excited and go maybe a little bit overboard with the Christmas decorations? But it makes me happy to sit at night, with all the lights off, except of the soft glow of my little Christmas tree, lights shining like little diamonds. Once I even kept it up until September. It was the New Years Tree, the St. Pat’s Day Tree, the Easter Tree, the Labor Day Tree…it was great even if all of my friends made fun of me and called me a redneck. I just hated the idea pf taking it down. (note: The ornaments get very dusty when left up that long. Dust often)
The first year I had a cat I made the mistake of putting the pretty tinsel onto the tree…and then I discovered a very colorful litter box. Oh you have not experienced the joys of pet ownership until you have fished multi-colored tinsel out of a little box.
Then there was the cat who loved to get a running start and fly into the Christmas tree. His name was Taz. I came home once and found all but one branch torn off the tree that year. Well, the branches he did d not try to eat anyway. That was also the year he ate my favorite strappy sandals, my iPod and my favorite sweater. Alas, I do not have that very sweet, albeit hungry kitty anymore.
There was the time I got tangled up in my Christmas tree and fell to the floor with a thud. I am sure to the outside public it might have looked as if the tree had come alive and was flailing around the floor. It might have even looked like a Christmas tree monster. Oddly enough, my cats have been terrified to come near the Christmas tree since then.
And this year will be extra special. I did not put a tree up last year as I was just too busy. That was the first year of my life that there was no Christmas tree, so this year must be extra special to make up for it.
We all search for it whether we know it or not. It is Peace. That balance of life where our inner selves are in unison with our outer selves. It is deep, it is true and it’s imperative to happiness. So how do we get it?
As silly as it sounds, I have no idea. Everyone is different, so no doubt the paths to Peace are different for each of us. And while the process and navigation may be different, the feeling is the same.
So often our lives are in disarray and our insides are at war; our heart, mind and body out of touch with each other. Inner termo=il only leads to outer discord. And it feels awful, like constantly being out of step with…something you can’t quite put your finger on. But it grates on you, wears you down, makes you tired. That’s no way to live.
What worked for me was to finally be still, really still, and listen. I was a ball of useless kinetic energy, just spinning out of control in one place and going no one where down fast. Sinking in my own insecurities and anxiety, I was just miserable.
Then I took a deep breath, went back to bare bones basic. I unplugged the world and plugged into myself. That was very hard though, because the loneliness you feel at first is tangible and scary. And the fear screams so loud from the inside that you swear everyone around the world can hear it, and no matter how hard you try to can’t drown it out.
But just like a storm, once you get to the other side of all of that, the waters are calm. aNd that is where it begins, the journey to Peace. That is where you begin to hear your voice again, soft and timid as it might be at first. That is where you will find you again. But you have to get through the monsoon-earthquake-fire-hurricane-tidal-wave of bad first. But you can do it. I did and am better and stronger for it. You won’t sink, I promise. So just hold on tight and you will be there soon enough.
And when you get to the other side, and the dist settles, you will see that you are exactly where you are supposed to be after all.
Day 21, my parents 45th: I am thankful for my parents celebrating 45 wonderful years together. I love them and I love so much that they are still so in love with each other.
Day 22, down time: I am thankful for down time, to relax, to talk, to eat, to watch TV, to just be. We all need it and I am very thankful for it now.
Day 23, the comfort of family: Being with family and being comfortable to jsut be. To have my hair a mess, in my PJ’s, drinking coffee and enjoying the morning. Life is good and I am happy.
There are many things to love about Spring, with all the warm weather and new leaves. Summer is the season of fun and fall is when we finally cool down and enjoy the colors of the leaves. But what about winter? I think this season gets a bad reputation. Don’t get me wrong, i do hate to be cold, but winter is wonderful. Don’t think so? Just read continue reading.
hibernation: Suffering from a bit of overexposure after all the summer pool parties and fall festivals? Winter is the time to relax, rejuvenate and hibernate. Read a good book, watch your favorite movies, do those home projects you’ve been putting off. It gets dark sooner so it’s perfect for sleeping. And girls, take a break from shaving…yes! (girls, don;t even try to deny it, you know you’ve done it) We can also gain a few pounds since we’ll all be covered up on sweaters anyway. So go ahead, have that extra piece of pie. Yum!
Warm blankets and hot chocolate: They just go together like peanut butter and jelly. Wrap up in something soft and warm and drink that wonderful hot chocolate to heat you up from the inside out. Maybe even put a little Baily’s in it for some extra snap. Warm fuzzy socks are also great for the season. Along with warm, soft sweaters that guys love to see us girls wearing. Just be careful if you are a klutz like me and try not to spill really hot chocolate all over your favorite sweater…or your favorite guy.
Christmas lights and holidays: We get a lot of time off during the winter and see family (which, lets face it, can be good or bad). In between saying hello to creepy Uncle Bob and Dodging Aunt Nancy, we may find ourselves catching up with family we actually love and miss. We get to go shopping, sing Christmas carols and see all the wonderful Christmas lights. To me, they are magic. I love them and they make me happy. And if you don’t like the holidays…then boo to you! I’ll talk to you in the Spring thaw.
Fireplaces: Not too much beats the warmth and great sound of a fire. And I love to hear that wonderful crackle. Unfortunately, I have a gas fireplace, not a log burning one. It’s jsut not the same…Roasting marshmallows, having a glass of wine, laughing and long conversations are all made perfect by the fireside. Just remember, don’t drink too much by the fire…or you may fall in (not that that has ever happened…)
Snuggle weather: One of the best things about winter. Cold nights make for wonderful snuggling, and what better excuse to get cozy with that cutie you have a crush on than to keep warm? From cold nights to sitting by the fire to kissing in the snow…winter is made for love. As long as you don’t have the flu or have been near anyone who has been close to anyone who has the flu.
Boots: Nothing says winter like a great pair of boots for the season. And guys, you know you love when we wear them too. And they are made for walking away quickly should you encounter anyone with the flu.
Snow: Here in the south we don’t get that much snow, but when we do it’s a lot of fun…as long as you don’t have to drive in it. You don’t have to work and you can just stay home, make snow angels and snow men. And if it doesn’t snow this year, I plan to take a trip to the mountains to play. It is my goal to be kissed in the snow this year as well. I just have to find some mistletoe.These are just some of the great things about winter. As the season goes along I am sure there will be many more things to list. So get out those warms blankets and soft sweaters.
We all need those times when we are doing absolutely nothing. When life gets crazy rushed with work, traffic, a busy social schedule, cooking, cleaning, and a thousand other things that need to be done. And sometimes, we need to take a break, press refresh and just relax.
Last night was that night for me. I have a ton of things to do – writing, cleaning, running, organizing, a busy social life and the list goes on and on. But instead I sat on the couch, and watched a Harry Potter movie. I curled up, wrapped in a big, warm soft blanket, ate left over lasagna and stayed on the couch the entire night with my two cats. Sent a few text messages, but otherwise didn’t even answer the phone.
And it was wonderful. It seems that life gets more hectic with each day, and sometimes we just have to take a break and slow down. I didn’t even feel guilty.
Slowing down helps us recharge, take care of ourselves a bit, think about the past days, figure out plans of action, or just turn our brains off for a bit. And as I settle down, I realize the value of being still once again. It is very healing for me, as I am still and listen to that little voice, the voice of God. As I take the time to truly feel all that is happening around me.
And in my old age, it has become apparent, we must learn the fine art of doing nothing. We must take time for ourselves, by ourselves. To truly enjoy and revel in the life we have, to appreciate, to mourn, to laugh, to think, the plan, to enjoy, to love, to realize, to be happy, to be sad, to see the true wonderfulness of life, love and everything in between. Yes, sometimes, we simply must stop and be still.
The result is I am feeling much more rested and at peace today. And that is what happens when you allow yourself proper downtime. Yes, the art of doping nothing is delicious, and one should enjoy every minute of it. Because before long it will be time to rush off again, in the rhythm of life as the tides ebb and flow around us.
I have been away for a few days, busy with life. But here are the things I am so very thankful for this November and month of gratitude:
Grace, Day 7: I am very thankful for Grace. It has been given to me when I was going through hard times, was miserable and lashed out at others. People have loved me anyway, even when it was hard. And that takes Grace. And now I am trying to have Grace with others. It is not easy. But one thing I am learning, is that you cannot have Grace with others, until you also have it for yourself. That is even harder as I hold myself to some very high standards and fault myself when I come up short. But I am learning and getting better, with myself and others, every day. And for this I am thankful.
Generous People, Day 8: I am thankful for generous people. Last night, a friend of a friend came over and installed my wall mount for my TV. We had never met, he just did it because his good friend said someone needed help installing it. He brought his tools, his sense of humor and his technical know how. And now my TV is up on the wall and looks fabulous. He gave up his time for someone he had never met. A very generous man and I am very thankful for him, and many others who have been so very generous in my life. They have given when they did not have to and even when I did not deserve it. And for these many wonderful people, I am thankful. and I remember to pay it forward.
Where I live, Day 9: I am very thankful to live and be a citizen of the United States. I went to a charity banquet many years ago and the main speaker talked about how we should always give back, because we were fortunate enough to be born where there is plenty. There is no difference between a child born in Ethiopia and a child born in the US, except one was lucky enough to be born here. That has always stuck with me. I have worked very hard to have the life I have, but it is honestly all by the Grace of God that I was born where I was, and live where I live, that I have been as fortunate as I have.
And this concludes today’s list of things I am thankful for (actually catching up for the last 2 days as well). Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Now that word has spread around that I am once again single, everyone has taken it upon themselves to find dates for me. I am getting offers for set ups like crazy. Even the head of security offered to set me up with some very nice men.
Why not? If nothing else I will meet some nice people and make some new friends. And it is a compliment that they think highly enough of me that they would set me up with their friends. And they all want to see me happy and in love. Who am I to argue?
And when someone comes recomended by a friend, you trust them a bit more than just any stranger you happen to meet, though a girl still has to be cautious. Plus my friends know if they set me up with a jerk I will write about it. So I go forward with an open heart, a smile on my face and good friends wanting the best for me.
In the spirit of being thankful for something each day this month, I am thankful for where I live and that Sandy did not hit us like it did up North. This area could just as easily be damaged by a strong storm. Funny that we think skyscrapers and big cities are indestructable. A few years ago a tornado came through Atlanta and did a lot of damage to the buildings downtown. I can only imagine what hours of a strong, slow moving hurricane could do.
The power outages when it is so cold, the flooding and homes that were destroyed, the tempuratures dipping down below freezing, the gas shortages, long lines and generators that are on empty. Many times when our lives are easy, we forget that there are others still dealing with what happened. Seeing the news and hearing how gas is being rationed, hearing from my friends who tell me how they are doing, and the things that the news doesn’t report…it makes me so very thankful that I am OK, that I have power, that gas is not at a shortage, that my house is dry and I am safe.
On a lighter note, I am also thankful for No Shave November, and all the men that have facial hair. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE facial hair. It makes me smile. 🙂
Even though I am not there, and therefor truly have no idea what it is like, I still keep in touch with friends in the NYC and New Jersey area. Friends in Chelsea just got power, though friends in Staten island and part of Queen a re still without. Some friends in the Lower East side still are without as well. Some friends are staying with others on the Upper West side.
Many still do not have gas and several of my friends families are still dealing with their homes being flooded.
While things are slowly back to normal in the area, lives are still wounded and will need time to heal. Traveling in the area is till a nightmare, though most are used to walking in the area. Gas is at a shortage so driving is not realistic. Subways are almost restored though.
It is still beyond surreal to know that places I worked, walked, ate, laughed at, drank at, visited, walked and lived are so damaged. I walked those streets, at day and night. I broke my toe on one of the sidewalks, and hobbled around the village for miles on foot on the un even pavement. I ate at delis and shopped at in little shops, bought some of my favorite earrings right off of one little street in Chelsea. Went to a sushi making party in the village. Have you ever eaten and watched a show at the Blue Note? Some of the best music by Grammy award winning artists in this little known but always packed place.
And the best places to by a hot dress or beautiful designer evening gown for a formal black tie event? I can’t tell you that secret in the blog, but email me if you want to know. The best place to find discount on Versace? That’s in the fincial district, within ear shot of Ground Zero.I know where to get tickets to broadway shows at 1/4 of full price. I know where to get te best Italian in the city, the best pizza, the best club sandwich, the best margarita, teh best rooftop view.
Yes, I know that city. the ins and outs, the subways and the short cuts. The trains and the shops, the places to spend a few hours, where to hide and where to be seen. Where to get lost and where to never go. Yes, I have walked those streets.
While I would never want to live there again unless very wealthy, I did enjoy my time in the city and the northeast. And it hurts the heart that it is wrecked as it is.
According to Dr. Russ Newman, “research has shown that resilience is not an extraordinary thing but is rather ordinary and can be learned by most anyone”.
Relience. The dictionary define resilience as The ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy. Resilience is what allows you to maintain a sense of well-being when you deal with the challenge.We have all been through those rough times. The truth is you really don’t know what someone is made of until you see them in the rough times. Anyone can be a great person when things are good and life is easy. And anyone can fake emotionaly stability when the waters are smooth. See someone is rough waters, see them at their worst if you really want to know them.
In the past I have been very resilient, able to get through rough times in a single bound. However, the last six months have been a challenge. When rough times happen, here are some things that help keep your head above water and keep you reslient. Being the research loving person I am, I set out to find the best advice the internet had to offer. and now, I bring it to you. You are welcome.
Take care of yourself:
This one is a hard one for me. Unfortunately sitting at home eating abundant amounts of chocolate and watching B movies does not count as taking care of yourself. who knew?
When we are stressed and going through a rough time, it’s easy to loose sleep, stop exercising and start eating badly. According to research by the Mayo Clinic, those who are physically well are more emotionally equipped to handle stress. So we cannot forget to take care of ourselves. Slow down, spend some time alone, listen to music, take a walk. Exercise releases endorphins into the your body and helps to lift the spirits.
Getting a hobby (or three) is also recommended. Whatever makes you feel happy, fulfilled or gives you a sense of purpose and utilizes your talents. I am getting into crocheting and photography. These are hobbies that I enjoy and for which I have a talent (well, we’ll see about crocheting…). Taking a class or joining a social group will also help you meet new people and get your mind off of your troubles.
Maintain a sense of control:
This one is oh so important, at least to me. Generally, resilient people tend to have what psychologists call an internal locus of control. Know that you have within yourself all that you need to make decisions that are important to your life. Look deep inside yourself and listen to that little voice inside of you, your gut instict. All that you need to get through, is right there.
When you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by a situation, take a step back to simply assess what’s in front of you. Think about possible solutions, break them down into steps and take baby steps. Martin Seligman, Positive psychology maven, says that a component of resilience is pervasiveness—not allowing a setback in one area to affect another. So keeping it together is a way to maintain control. This means, especially for women, to keep it together at work. Or al least close the door if you are going to get emotional. Never let them see you sweat, or cry. At least go to the bathroom if you don’t have an office.
problem-solving skills and critical thinking are also shown the help keep a person centered and resilient. Research suggests that people who are able come up with solutions to a problem are better able to cope. These skills are also key to self-esteem, which also plays an important role in coping with stress and recovering from difficult events.
Strong social connections:
Friends can help you through the rough spots. According tot he Mayo clinic, being able to reach out to others for support is a key component of being resilient. Those who have an broad support system recover faster from challenges in life. This has been a bit of a challenge for me, as I cut about 90% of my social group in the last year. But the people I have left in my life are solid, loyal and have integrity – and that is worth it’s weight in gold.
Sharing your problems with friends can help lighten the emotional load as we bounce solutions off our friends, get positive feedback or get out of the house and get our minds off of the problem.
See yourself as a Survivor:
You can’t really feel that locus of control unless you feel power to take action. You need to almost immediately feel that you have used your strength to survive something bad. Then tap into that strength to get through the emotional aftermath. Never see yourself as a victim because you loose your sense of control and purpose. You are a survivor, you have strength and courage. Look for ways to solve the problem, or deal with it in the best way possible. Always take the high road and always maintian a level of class. Hold your head up high and know you can and will get through it. While the situation may be unavoidable, you can still stay focused on a positive outcome.
Embrace Change:
This is a tough one for a lot of people, including me. I like things steady and predictable, but flexibility is an essential part of resilience. Why not see these events and challenges as opportunities to branch out in new direscitons? Learn something more about yourself, your charactor and your depth as a human being. Yes, I am workin gon this too.
How exactly do you adapt to change if you are like me and would rather have a root canal? Psychologists say that people who see change as a challenge and not a threat handle streeses better. In their book The Peace of Mind Prescription, Charney and Nemeroff say, “The hormones released by an appraisal of challenge include growth factors, insulin, and other compounds that promote cell repair, trigger relaxation responses, and stimulate efficient energy use.”
Set Goals:
Goals that focus on your strenghts, things that bring you a sense of happiness, calm, satisfaction and fulfilment will help the most. The goals I have set for myself are to 1. Finish and publish my book by the end of the year. 2. Cook new super yummy meals 3. Finish the Fifty Shades of Grey series (which I am struggling with because I am actually getting board with the story). I am also working on writing better blog enteries, as I don’t feel like the latest entries have been very good.
Setting and meeting goals helps with our sense of control and accomplishment during a rough time. It will also boost self esteem.
Exercise:
Yes, you read right. Exercise has been correlated with stronger levels of resilience. So while becoming a couch potato and watching TV all night might be tempting, it isn’t very productive. Exercise relases endorphines into the body which has a positive impacts on one’s mood or the physical health benefits to those who exercise, or both.
Have Faith:
If you are a person of faith, it helps to to pray, alot. And just hang in there. Know that the bad times are only temporary. It won’t last and in no time (and a series of babysteps) you will be past it and on to better times.
None of us are immune to rough times, and there are times in life that are jusst going to suck. And we just have to reach deep down and get through them. But these little steps will help shorten the time we are in the dark. and when the dust settles, we will be better, finer and stronger than we were before. Basically, finding Peace is what helps me, so do whatever youhave to do to get it. So dig in and get on with it.
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.
And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
I read this quote in a blog that I read today and it resonated deep within me. To taste all that you can, every bit of life that comes near you, to always be curious and learning, is how I have always tried o live my life. But yet I am still hungry. I am not yet satisfied. i have not found that taste for that which I yearn. So I keep tasting and searching.
One thing about living life this way that no one tells you, is that yes, you do get amazing view of the world and everything in it, you also get all the bad tastes too. you get hurt much more, and you cry, you ache, you bleed from the very center of your whole heart. So living this way is not for the faint of heart, for it will wear you out, living with your whole self, your whole heart.
And sometimes, in the darkest parts of the hurt, I do question my decision to live a life this way, tasting, devouring every part of life I can. I wonder if it is worth it. The tears, the confusion, the all of it. The complete and utter all of it. Because you feel all of it when you live life this way, every little bump in the road. And the mistakes you make are deeply felt as well. As are the hurtful words of others. And that is where you must have Grace, something which I am working on very hard. And I wonder if it is worth it, the all of it.
And then I see a sunset, or feel joy when someone that I love has a triumph, or feel a kiss on my lips that makes my heart skip a beat, or feels the arms of a man I adore, ofall in love. And then I think yes, it is worth it. At least this time. At least next time. At least one. More. Time.
I have often written about those sitcom moments…those moments in life that are just so…embarrassing, bad, funny, weird, ridiculous, that if they happened on TV they would be hysterical? But they are happening in your life so all you can do is roll your eyes and hope one day it will be funny?
I have had many moments like that…like the time I tripped over an atoman in a furniture store, in front a a hot guy, or the time I dropped the pee-cup at a pre-employment drug test – in front of a hot guy. Or the time I was buying a lip gloss and 3 packs of granny panties as a gag gift for my mother, and saw my hot next door neighbor (who did not believe the granny panties were for my mother).
Today was another. I got up early today, got dressed and I looked very nice, if I do say so myself. I had on my hot skinny pants, a sleek sweater, my hair and make up was looking good. I was in a great mood (especially for a Monday), and had a spring in my step. I went the store for my daily cup of coffee. The fact that I had not yet had my first cup of coffee should have been the first red flag. I am a clumsy girl to begin with, mix that with not having had my morning caffeine and anything could happen.
After I mixed the cream and sugar into the wonderful cup of caffeinated goodness, I turned around quickly and….slapped smack dab into a beautiful man who is tall, dark, handsome, and who now had a donut smashed all over his jacket. And all over mine too. As well as a small amount of hot coffee.
Great.
Cup of hot, steaming coffee embarrasment, anyone?
This only happens in the presence of really hot, sexy men. If it was a little old lady behind me, this never would have occurred. Hot men are my kryptonite.
The usual apologies were made, as he looked at me like I was a cute alien from another planet. He was nice about it, laughed and said he needed to get his coat cleaned anyway. I am sure I turned 50 shades of red.
Just proof that I am an amazing woman who has it together…until a hot guy is around. At least I wasn’t buying knives.
There is something for which I am looking, searching, reaching. After this weekend I finally know what it is. I am looking to make my life my home. This past year, with my Dad’s health, and all the other upheaval that has been going on, I have pretty much been in survival mode – just gettting through it.
But what does making your life your home mean? To me, it means a place where you are comfortable, that feels good, a place from which you do not want to escape. Everyone will go through rough times, where we really would trade with someone esle for a while, but as a general rule, your life should be where you are happy. And if you are not, it’s never to late to change. You just have to ask, how do you want it to feel?
Yesterday, in addition to writing, I also started cleaning up my house. I changed out all my seasonal clothing and pulled out all of my sweaters, In the process I started cleaning out my closets and my office. So many people have been on my house over the last year…my parents, sister, nephew, friends staying when I was out of town, a couple boyfriends and roommate from Hell. All of them had left stuff, things left behind. Everything ranging from old luggage, to clothes, to computer stuff, to chargers, to pictures, to old shoes, to old paperwork to, just stuff. Because things were so hectic, it was just a stuffing the stuff into a place it would fit for the time being and moving forward.
But at some point we all have to clean out our closets. And it is the same in life. You have to get rid of the old baggage, that old stuff that others have left behind in your soul, your spirit, your life. You must clean out, not only to make room for the great things to come, but also to lighten your load, brighten the mind and just get rid of the crap. And who wants to carry another person’s left over, left behind baggage? Our own baggage is heavy enough.
And that is also a lesson for me in my life. I don’t need to take care of everyone. I have my own problems to deal with, so I cannot deal with everyone else’s baggage too. We must be selfish enough in our life, for our life, to back away and say, “No, this is yours, not mine. Take it to your house and leave it there.” When we are not selfish enough to do that, we end up completely depleted, because we carry their baggage plus your own. That is what I did this past year. No more.
Sometimes, you also have to be selfish and honest enough to say you have nothing to offer another person right now. “Because I am taking care of myself. You can come into my life, but I cannot take care of you.”
So there I was, throwing things away, getting rid of everything that was not needed. But how to tell what should stay and what should go? If it wasn’t mine, if wasn’t not usefull, if it didn’t serve me, if I did not have some sentimental attachment to it – it was thrown out. It really was cathartic. There is still quite a bit to go through, but what I have done is a good start to making my life my home.
I want my life to feel good, happy, and fullfilling. I want it to feel warm, settled, and at Peace. Because I want to feel settled and at Peace. And that is what it shall be. And the rest of the year, will be fantastic, because I am taking care of me and making my life my home – warm, cozy, welcoming, Peaceful and fulfilling.
As I was cleaning out everything in my house, I was thinking of how I used to be when I was younger. One of the things was that I was much more self sufficient. When I was younger, I didn’t want any men in my life. So, I didn’t have a handyman, I didn’t keep boyfriends, and I did not let any man do anything for me, no fixing of things, nothing.
After I came back from New York, all of my friends said that if I wanted to find love, that I needed to open op, let people in, be vulnerable and need. They said that I needed to stop being so hard, soften up a little. And so I did. But I think I did it too much.
So, I am not calling a handyman to fix the things I need done. I am doing it myself. I will move the dreadmill treadmill myself, I will hang the dartboard myself, I will fix the running toilets myself and I will figure out that piece of the garage door myself too. Forget waiting on a guy getting around to it, or finding a boyfriend who is handy around the house so he can fix it for me. I am smart and there is no reason I cannot figure this stiff out myself.
Just don’t be surprised by DIY blogs, because while I am sure I can do/fix all of it, I would be naive to think that me + clumsy + tools would not equal anything less than comedic results.
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