The Great Purge of 2019

Everyone at some point in their lives, if not several times in their lives, will feel the need to purge our lives. The desire to simplify, to lighten, to de-clutter can be overwhelming. What what precipitates such a desire?  It can be any number of things; such as a tumultuous time in life, or a session with a life coach, or maybe an impending move, it could be anything really.  For me it is a combination of several things.  After a difficult time, where I had to keep many things for many people, and keep records for just in case, I am now ready to purge what is not needed.

It is also letting go of my old life. It is letting go of everything that came before. And you can let go while still honoring the past. But you cannot build a future of you are still holding onto that “has happened.” And sometime you need to clean out the old to make room for the new.

I am ready for the new, ready to shed ALL OF IT. And so starts the Great Purge of 2019. I started with the clothes, and have bagged over 15 bags to be taken to the trash or Goodwill.  And the result is surprisingly cathartic.  I already feel so much lighter and more is coming. I contacted a charity to get the furniture that needs to go away.  And I am going through paperwork and old records that no longer need to be kept.  And last will be all the extra “stuff.”

It is time to clean out all the debris, all the old, all of the baggage, all of the irrelevant minutia that can bog down the mind and spirit. It is more than cleaning out, more that getting rid of clutter, it is the purging of all that I will not be taking with me in this move. It is exciting and wonderful, preparing for this new time.

Life is short. Clean it out sometimes. Take the old, dust it off, enjoy them memories and let go of the bad. Because in letting go we make room for all of the wonderful that is to come. And the wonderful is coming…a lot of it is already here.

When you have been shattered, the new you can emerge.

The Routine Order

We all have things that seem to be the bane of our existence. They gym, the dreadmill, I mean treadmill.  The dentist…and for me, routine.  I am a writer, creative and do not like routine.  Until I take a closer look at my life.  Growing up, my mother believed very much in routine, that this is what children needed in order to be healthy.  In addition to three square meals, lots of love and some discipline, we also had a lot of routine.  We had dinner with a certain time frame and went to bed by a certain hour.  We had so long to do homework, chores and piano practice.  She said that routine could bring order into an otherwise chaotic world for a child.  And indeed we did thrive.

But in my adult life, I just seem to do well without schedules.  I do what needs to be done when it needs doing, and do my best to manage time.  And I am constantly running 15-20 minutes late. But lately I am seeing more value in this thing called routine of which she spoke. And I think it might just save my sanity.

Since Dad moved in life has been on the hectic side, running from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, learning to be a caretaker of an 80 year-old and everything that comes with it.  It can be so overwhelming at times.  So what do you do when life gets that overwhelming and big that you can’t seems to see over the top of it?  Routine.

There is comfort in routine, in knowing what comes next and when. It allows for you to free up your time and space to be creative and concentrate on what is really important. It allows you to follow a natural order.  And when you think of the science of it, it makes perfect sense.  Even the human body has schedules.  The heart beats on schedule, we do not have to think about it.  We breathe on an automatic schedule. Our blood and lungs work on schedule and to their tasks and we do not have to think about it.  We go on with our lives.

And that is what I hope to accomplish with this new order, so to speak.  Dad will have a pretty set schedule – approximately when to get up, I will fix his breakfast, then when physical and occupational therapy happen, when his companion care comes over to help with tasks or run errands, when to go to the senior center to meet friends and be social. When he doesn’t have to constantly figure out what comes next, what he is going to do and why, constantly coming up for a reason for existence without my mother, then maybe he can relax and just enjoy.

And maybe I can relax a bit too.  Certain things will be on autopilot, so to speak. I can focus on my work, my relationship, friendships and such. Gears can be shifted to I can just be a good daughter, good friend and co-worker.  This routine may be just what the doctor ordered to get life back to manageable.

And maybe the secret to order is being flexible enough.  Flexible enough to work within the bounds of routine but still allow a loose schedule. With exercise we much stretch ourselves, our muscles, to give a little. Life can be messy. And if we are puritanical in either direction of too much schedule and routine or nothing at all, then things can spiral. We feel overwhelmed and out of order.

So I am looking forward to this new schedule that sets the pace for the new year.  I am looking forward to being able to concentrate on what is truly important while the everyday things take care of themselves.  It takes a lot of hard work to put a routine in place, but we are almost there.  And in that order, we can make a life of spectacular.

Falling in Love with Your Life

“She wins who calls herself beautiful and challenges the world to change to truly see her.” — Naomi Wolf

I have a secret that I have been keeping for a little while now. I am in love and it is wonderful.  I have fallen completely in love…with my life. which is wonderful, because for along time I was completely disenchanted with it.  But now, what a difference.

There is something very cozy and wonderful about being inside  on a cold, wet rainy night.  A nice fire, cats purring, TV on, a warm blanket and writing away.  The best seat in the house is always under a warm blanket.  And soon I will have a new full time opportunity.  It is not perfect, but this little life, is all mine.

And I am such a homebody that, at least to me, being home and cozy on a cold is just perfect.  Once the sweat pants on are, I am in the for night.  Comfort is king, even though it might not be sexy or seductive. oh, and the warm fuzzy socks. Those are a must.

Because it really is about the simple things, when it comes right down to it. Those creature comforts that we grew up with, that make us feel secure, and make us feel nice and warm even on a cold dark night.

And when you have worked hard, rebuilt your life from scratch, then  you deserve to enjoy the spoils of all your hard work.  To reward the spirit for working hard, you must also play hard. Because you have to reward yourself for reaching your goals.  And part of that is taking the time to really enjoy all those wonderful creature comfort..

And you can never forget to be grateful and still pray that gratefulness.

So if your life is still under construction, if you are still working hard to get to that place where you can feel the sunshine on your soul again, know that it is there and you can reach it.  Know that all  the hard work, tears, heartache, restlessness, fear, blood and sweat are not in vain.  You will get there, to that place where you look out and realize that you are in love too.  Just breath and have faith. You can do it.

Having it All

“What have you done, on your own?  What have you accomplished, standing on your own two feet, to make a positive contribution to society and show you are not just a burden to those around you?”

I have so much respect for those who get off their butts and go out into the world to make something of themselves.  Those who do not expect others to support them while they sit and play.  So many of my friends are amazing women (and men), who have carved out a space for themselves. made a positive contribution, worked hard and accomplishes much.  But that is not all that they have done.

They have become some of the most amazing human beings along the way.  They are amazing, strong, compassionate women and I am beyond proud to have them as friends and confidants.

I was having a conversation with one of them last week, catching up, talking about the many thing going on in our lives.  She is pregnant, and she and her husband will have 7 children in their blended family when this little girl is born (yes, Seven!). She has been one of the top rated female Dj’s in  Atlanta and Nashville, she has written a book, hosts a podcast, has been the spokes person for autism and is now raising a bunch of children, making sure all are fed, cleaned and homework is done.  I am in awe of her.

“Let’s face it, having it all sucks!”

And yet she cannot do it all.   And neither can any of my friends.  And these are amazing women who are smart, confident, capable and confident.  My pregnant friend said she was talking with a mutual friend who said that she was exhausted trying to have and do it all, and she was just accepting the fact that somethings we not going to get done.  But that she was afraid of being judged because she couldn’t do it .

To me, this is a refreshing reminder that no matter ow together we are, or together we think other people are, we are all just human.  None of us can do it all.  Which means that when one part of our lives is going well and is perfect, another part is a mess.  Am I am bad person because this makes me happy?  No, it makes me human that I am happy that others are human, just like me.

I have always , been on my own, everything I have I have worked hard for and earned on my own.  And the same with all of my friends.  None of us have depended on another, a boyfriend or husband, to support us.  We got out and made it happen ourselves.  And I may not have as much as others, but what I do have is mine.  But…

But often times my house is a mess.  The bed isn’t made, dishes are in the sink on any given day, the floor needs to be mopped and carpet vacuumed, and let’s not even get into to the dusting of things…If you try to do it all, have it all, you will just end up being tired and cranky.

The bottom line is, whether you stay home and take care of the kids, or you have a career, at least work hard and contribute something. Don’t depend on or be a burden to those around you. Don’t use people or expect them to support you if you are not willing to go out and support yourself.  Basically, don’t be a mooch.

You can’t do everything, but at least do something to contribute. Be passionate about providing for yourself, being in control of your own life.  Stand up on your own two feet. As long as you do this….don’t worry about not being able to do it all.  The fulfillment you will have in contributing what you can, is enough.  There is nothing more satisfying than knowing you made your life for yourself.  Then, and only then, will you be truly capable of sharing life with another.

 

The Best First

We all have those special holidays or events that our firsts.  But when they combine, the outcome can be magic. This year was a very special Thanksgiving for me. It was the first time that I hosted the family for the big day, and it was the first time in many ears that both my parents were healthy and could celebrate without hesitation.

I worked all week on getting the house ready – everything clean and neat, but just messy enough that Mom had a few things to do and felt useful. Many blankets on Dad’s bed and a heater just for his room so he is nice and warm and toasty. The smoking area in the garage, complete with the couch and back patio chairs, heaters and throw blankets. Plenty of firewood, towels, bed linens and snacks. And the carpet cleaned and looking good (thanks to my wonderful boyfriend).

And then it was time.  Mom and Dad arrived with hugs and kisses and coffee and smiles. Then later it was a hot dinner and cold wine. The next morning, my sister came with her two boys. And the cooking was on.  All of us Burch women in the kitchen, slicing, dicing, mixing and drinking wine and snacking on cheese and crackers.  It was a mess but it was fun.  And wonderful.  That kitchen was filled with so much love. And food – there was Mom’s stuffing recipe, and the secret broccoli and cheese casserole, then the turkey, and…

And then it was time to eat – a few hours past when I originally thought, but that just meant everyone was extra hungry.  We pulled my two tables together for a shabby chic, Hodge-podge Thanksgiving dinner. A prayer was said and then we all ate.  And laughed, and talked and drank and there was happy murmur and conversation.  And as I sat there, looking around at my family in my little home, at my little two tables, I was so very grateful. Another year with them, my family, where everyone is healthy and happy.  And as my heart beat, it swelled with such happiness and contentment that I was ready to pop.

And that is the thing about life, it doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.  I have a small home in a small but nice neighborhood.  Mismatched glasses lined the two tables pushed together and mismatched place mats were under that plates. And no one cared. Because those ancillary things are just that. It’s the imperfections that make those moments and events great. Love makes the imperfections beautiful. .  It was perfect. And amazing. And wonderful. The best first Thanksgiving ever.

What Dating a Good Man Teaches You

I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 but ended up going on my fist date 3 months before my birthday. This was because the guy was moving out of state and my parents reluctantly allowed me to go. I am 42 now and have never been married. That’s a lot of dating. I have seen the good, bad and ugly of relationships. And I have learned a lot over the years.

My current boyfriend is amazing.  He doesn’t play games. He actually puts forth the effort and tells me, on a daily basis, that I am beautiful and amazing and totally worth it. I am thriving under the light of his wonderful attention and affection.  I wonder how I forgot that this is what dating is supposed to be, that this is how I am supposed to be treated? My current relationship is teaching me things that I didn’t realize I had forgotten. Like how I should be treated.

Somewhere along the way, dating became more of a game than a pleasure.  It seems that it’s about getting all that you can, when you can, while putting forth as little effort as you can.  When we women have men with this attitude from which to choose, we get discouraged by the lack of options and try to choose the lessor of many evils.

Ladies, Steve Harvey has it right – when a man really wants you, there will be no question. I think back to all those guys that used to drive me crazy making me wonder if they were really interested. Or that I was doing something wrong. Maybe that was the reason why they weren’t calling like they said they would, or didn’t seem interested, or would make an ambiguous date, then never follow through.

Stop wondering. Because if you have to wonder if he is interested, then the answer is No.  It doesn’t matter if you call or text him.  If he wanted to be with you, he would have already set up the date.

Easier said than done, right?  Because we are taught that if we have these high expectations, then we are demanding, and bitchy, and manipulative. No, we just know our worth.

I have had men who would text me (first of all, call the woman) and ask me to go out lunch that day…when I would accept and ask where…they wouldn’t respond. Until a few weeks later when it’s the same thing all over again. No, he didn’t get too busy, his phone didn’t break, he wasn’t sucked into a vortex where no communication was possible.  He just wasn’t really interested. So why text at all?  Who knows.  Maybe he wanted to keep that door open, or wanted an ego boost. He definitely didn’t want to go to lunch.

The guy I dated before my current boyfriend actually made me feel guilty if I even thought about asking him to help me with anything – He was healing from a woman who used him 3 years ago, so he couldn’t do anything for me.  I made the mistake of saying he could use my boat anytime he wanted if he would let me use his truck to pull my boat to the marina. I was promptly accused of making my boat and all maintenance his responsibility. If a man in interested in you, there will no excuses or strange accusations. If a man is interested, he will want to spend time with you, and he will care enough to help out when you need it.

My current boyfriend is amazing.  He sees projects that I cannot do myself, and he fixes them. I don’t even have to ask.  He just rented a Rug Doctor and cleaned the carpets in my house because my family is coming to visit.  And because he said I “should live in pretty.” Wow, what a difference.

I have dated men who refused to introduce me to any friends and family, while telling me how much they liked and cared for me.  My current boyfriend has introduced me to all of his friends and family. Because he wants me in his life, because he wants me to see from who and where comes. And he is interested in meeting my friends and family too. He wants to know my people. And a man who is truly  interested in you, will want to know your world and your people too.

There was a man who made a date on Easter with me….and was a no show.  Contacted me a few weeks later like everything was fine.  Then there are the guys who just wanted me to “come over and hang out”, but were never willing to drive to see me, or take me out.  Stay away from them, they are lazy and place no value on you or your time.

I think back on all the times I questioned if I was doing something wrong?  Women are taught that if you keep getting disappointed in dating, you are the one common factor.  So take a look in the mirror and find your fault. Well, it wasn’t me, it was them. Mostly. The only thing I wasn’t doing, in my worn and weary and discourage mindset, was remembering my worth. Because I didn’t want to seem demanding, or high maintenance, or bitchy, or unreasonable.

The man I am with now, expects me to know my worth, because he sees it every time he looks at me. And he makes sure I know how lucky he feels. And I am lucky too. Because finally, here is a man who sees what I didn’t see in myself for a long time. Dating a good man has reminded me that first and foremost, I am worth it.

Every day I am so very grateful that this wonderful man found his way into my life.

Because I am demanding, and high maintenance and bitchy and unreasonable…But only to those men who are not interested enough to do anything but put forth the least amount of effort possible.

And that is what dating a good man can teach you.

Feel It

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’ – Erma Bombeck

There is a theory about life that I have had for many years. I think that we go about life rather backwards: We go after the job, the money, the house, the car, the partner that looks good on paper, the clothes, the everything of how we want our life to look. We make a list of accomplishments that we want to do and check off our little to do list. We want to run a marathon, or get that promotion, or buy that bug screen TV…and there is nothing wrong with those things. There is nothing wrong with having goals and accomplishing them. We all need something to work for, do and accomplish.

But how we come to what is on that to do list…well, that is a but backwards. Then when we start crossing things off that list, we are surprised if we do not feel different. So how do you make a list that really matters? How do you build a life that really matters and will lead to happiness? Simple. Justask yourself one question: How do you want your life to feel?

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. – Harvey Fierstein

You may wonder what that has to do with anything. The short answer is everything. If you want a happy, fulfilled, useful life, then you go after what makes you feel happy, useful and fulfilled. Don’t go after a particular job title – unless that job is what makes you happy. How many people do you know who are trapped in a job or career that they hate? You may even be one of them. How many people do you know who love their job and can’t wait to get to work in the morning? Far fewer people, I bet. That’s a shame.

So decide what will make you feel the life you want, and go after those things. Don’t worry about what other people might think. They don’t hav eto live your life, you do.  When I decided to go after the life I wanted to feel, there was an amazing shift and change in my life. I knew that being a writer would make me feel what I wanted to feel. Suddenly things got really clear. No, it wasn’t easy. But don’t let the myth that if it’s supposed to be, then it will be easy. That’s not always the case. Things that are worth working for, are often hard. The hard it what makes it great. And if you really want it, then make a commitment to yourself that you will accomplish it and that failure is not an option.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. – George Bernard Shaw

Since deciding how I wanted my life to feel, I have never looked back. Even when I made a mistake, which I have made many, I just backed up, dusted off and got back up. If people laughed at me, and they have, I ignored them. Life is too short to worry about what others think of you.

So go after how you want your life to feel, and feel it, every bit of it. Soak it in. And don’t be afraid to walk away from that which does not fit. Distance yourself from people, places and things that do not follow how you want your life to be. This takes courage, and that is where it might get a little difficult. But keep in mind that removing what does not work or serve you makes you for that which will.  Keep those who support and encourage you close and never take them for granted.

Live life with passion, love, faith and feeling. What are you waiting for?

Of Prayers Family and Grace

Prayers for Dad

We all have those moments that just get right down to the core of you. My family and I have been so very blessed, but still there is worry.

Two months ago he came up for a very large dose of chemo. Today there is the MRI to find if the chemo worked or if the tumors are still in his liver.

All signs are good that the tumors are gone. But still there is worry. When you love someone, no matter how faithful you are, there is still worry and a bit of fear. You want those you love to be healthy. And when there is a chance that they are not, then it sits in your stomach like a ball of lead. It stays in your mind and on your heart.

So if you are a person of faith, please say a prayer that the chemo worked. That he is healthy and will not need any more treatments. Thank you.

Grace in Motion

I have written much about my search for Grace. I have prayed for it, sought it out, taken deep breaths to attain it. And I have, many times in the last few months, been very proud of the Grace I have displayed when others have hurt me. But even I have my limits.

It seems I have Grace for the most part…except when I need it most. This past week has been an example. This past week, a few things happened that cut me to the core. Deep cuts born from lies others have told, lied about those lies and left me wondering why I did not see them before now.

And it is during these times that I need Grace the most. But then I am only human, and even though I strive for Grace at all times, I have slipped a time or two. Between those events happening, anxiety over my father’s health and a bad case of PMS with a shortage of chocolate, I have been a girl in a mad mood on a mission.

And that is part of being human, you make mistakes, react in bad ways sometimes, try and fail, fall short of what you want to be, try again harder, and hopefully you learn a but along the way.

Our lives are always in motion, moving forward, moving on, moving past everything before it. And as I take a deep breath, I have to let go of the fear, of my father’s health, of being betrayed again, of more lies, of frustration, of being hurt. Because as our lives are in motion, so is our Grace, and compassion and empathy for others.

Grace is defined as: Mercy; clemency. To give kindness and consideration beyond what is deserved. I have not followed this definition as I should have. This is something that can be difficult for a fiery red-head to learn. One would thing that if you have found Peace as I have, Grace would not be far behind. But the art of Grace is just that, an art. And maybe one has a  lot of training in order to get it right.

I am a work in motion, as is the Grace that I strive to practice on a daily basis. Every day starts a new, with promises of mistakes not to be made.

The Last Day

We all have those times when we look around and realize that it is the last day…of high school, of college, of a particular career, of many things in life. It is the end. And there is a new beginning that awaits.

Today is it. The last day…of my 30’s.  And looking back, it has been a great decade.  And I have learned so much. And I have worked hard and accomplished much. I think that the decade of my 30’s was working hard and establishing myself – my personality, my career and talent, my writing, myself. Now, entering into my 40’s, I have nothing to prove to anyone. Been there, done that. And they can kiss my bum if they don’t like it.

My 30’s truly were magnificent. And I say goodbye to them fondly.  When I think back, I smile. Some of my best times have been in this decade. Some of the worst times too, but all in all the good has far outweighed the bad.

I have been in NYC, had trips of a lifetime. I have dined in some of the finest restaurants in my 30’s. I have enjoyed being flown in private planes, for private weekends in the Bahamas. I have held and stolen kisses. I have worked hard, traveled well, had money and been completely broke (having money is better, btw). I have been naive and been very smart. I have been the outcast and the toast of the town\, been the object of praise and scorn. I have cried tears of joy and of immense sorrow.

And I have done it all my way. I have kept true to myself, my integrity and my code of honor. And I am proud of this. Many cannot say the same. And the mistakes that I have made? Well, they just made me smarter. The people who have hurt me? They just made me better and stronger.

And so here I am. On the eve of my 40^th birthday, and I know the next ten years will be even better than the last. And I truly cannot wait for the adventure, memories that will be made, truths that will be discovered and told, and smiles and laughter that will be had, good times all the wonder of life. Bad times? Oh, I am sure there will be a few mixed in there, but I am not worried.

And aging? Forgetaboutit! Father Time and I made a deal a long time ago, that I would only get better with age. Like a fine wine. And so, those tiny wrinkles? Those little laugh lines? Even gravity…they do not scare me. I am Ada. I am a Burch. I am my Father’s daughter. I am my Mother’s daughter. And I am about to be 40. And so I say to life:

Take my hand and let’s jump right in!

To Love and Be Loved

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  ― Lao Tzu

More than anything, our lives are about love. It is what we search for, cave, need and if we do not have it in our lives, we are surely very miserable. And the love of which I speak is not just romantic love, though we do search for that as well. I speak of love in general – love of family, love of friends, mates, companionship, even pets. We seek, more than anything in our lives, to love and be loved on all levels.

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And if we are really lucky in life, we find these loves. And if we are really, really lucky, we find them and have them all at the same time, all the different  loves and all the different levels.

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And still some ask whether it is better to love or be loved. But I ask why? Why not accept that you can have both, and be both loved and love others?

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This is where I find myself to day.  as I look around this weekend, the weekend before my 40th birthday, as I look at all my dear friends family and loves, I realize how lucky I truly am. To have all those I love around me, and who love me too, is an amazing thing indeed. And to have all this love around me as I enter into another decade, is truly amazing.

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This weekend has been celebrating the many blessings in my life, with the many people who I am blessed to have in my life. And truly this birthday, and this next decade will be amazing, because of them. This weekend has been filled with wine, food and love. Stories, dirty jokes, conversations by fireplaces, tall tales, laughter tears of joy, many toasts and so much more. Cooking and talking in the kitchen, hugs, kisses, long late night conversations, holding hands and celebrating LIFE.

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And this I can say, to love this much and be loved this much in my life, is .wonderful. They are my heart and my soul, my loves, my hope, my dreams. They are the light that makes life brighter and the giggle in my heart. I am the luckiest and happiest girl indeed! And I cannot wait for what this next year, the next 10 years, the next 20 years…bring! My life and my heart are so full, that I cannot imagine life being any better. My dreams have come true.

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But that is what loving and being loved does to you.

Finding and Keeping Fulfilled

Fulfillment is defined in the dictionary as Satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one’s abilities or character. Many of us strive a whole lifetime to achieve this illusive word. And then when we find it, it is knowing how to balance life in order to keep it.

 I have reached fulfillment in my life. I have developed my abilities, character and standards to the point where I am fulfilled not only in my life, but also within myself. And as I approach my 40^th birthday, I realize I am right where I want to be. There is not a single part of my life in which I am unhappy.  I am fulfilled in my life, my career, my family, my loves and my friendships. And I look around and think “Wow, I did it. I really did it.”

It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been pretty. And I’ve made mistakes along the way. I have been no saint. I have disappointed others and myself, I have mis-stepped, mis-spoken and mis-judged, but I have learned much about myself and others each step of the way. My journey has been intensely personal and not at all typical. But then, when has my life ever been typical? And through it all, I have kept myself self, my honor and my integrity in tact.

And now looking back, I see how I have managed. They key has been the saying:

“To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” – Shakespeare

It is easy to laugh at this simple saying at first, but if you take a deeper look, in the truest sense, then you begin to see the wisdom and simplistic beauty in the quote. “To thine own self be true.” To me, this means being honest with ourselves and our intentions. This is perhaps the hardest part. Think of all the little lies we tell ourselves on a daily basis, how we may rationalize selfish, destructive or dishonest behavior. Now, if we follow our conscience, as God gave it to us, and are truly honest with ourselves, then we will have no trouble in knowing the right and wrong of a situation.

Then the next part:  “And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”  To me, this makes the most simple sense of all. If we are truly honest with ourselves, and true about our intenmtions, then we cannot deceive another.

If we are honest within ourselves, and follow our hearts honestly and in earnest, life will balance and we will find Peace. And where we find peace, we will find happiness. But first it starts from within.

The second part of my equation to finding true fulfillment in my life, has been to get others out who do not live by the creed mentioned above. This may seem cruel at first, but it is not. Think about it, if someone cannot even be honest within themselves, how  can they be honest with you? If a person deceives themselves, they will surely deceive you as well. Count on it. And when confronted on the deception, they will rationalize it and make excuses to you and to themsleves as well. They didn’t lie, they just didn’t mention it. Or say that you are at fault because you are not flexible. Morals and integrity are not flexible, to those who are honest with themselves anyway. Argueing with these people offeres no Peace, and thus should not be entertained. Just just ties and run.

When you get these people out of your life, you also get the instability, chaos and pain they bring into your life out as well. These people suck all the energy and life out of life itself. Because they cannot be honest with themselves, they serve not the greater good of humanity, but their own selfishness and petty needs, never considering the effect their actions bring onto others. Once you get these people are expelled, you will be surprised at how much time and energy you have to focus on the good things.

The people who are in my life are balanced and bring good things into my life. And if they do not, if they start to bring negativity and choas through my door, they will be put out. No appologies made. The relationships I have now are blanaced and mutually beneficial, as they should be.

And now I move forward fulfilled. My life is not at all perfect, but is is wonderful, beautiful, mysterious and amazing.

How Being a Misfit is Good

I have a confession to make. And it’s pretty big, so you may want to sit down. Here it is: I am a misfit. Yep. Totally. Absolutley.

According to the Briggs-Meyers personality test, I am an ENTJ, which for those people who know me in reality, describes me to a T. And I am also quite a bit of a misfit. I am clumsy, often put my foot in my mouth, my entire life is a sitcom of embarrassing and Bridget Jones type situations. And my lack of ability to spell on this blog puts me in rare company. Let’s face it, anyone who manages to drop their drug test pee cup in front of a super hot guy, or trip over a couch in a furniture store just has to accept the fact that they are different.

But everyone else is different too, that makes me normal. Kind of.

Being a misfit is not all bad. Many people and companies can benefit from the “misfits.” These traits are what also make me creative and able to write so well. These traits are what give me the ability to communicate with such a huge cross-section of people about such a wide array of topics. These traits are also what get me into trouble from time to time.

Details are very important. and they are the bane of my existence. I am horrible at details. When I was in school, I could do the math in my head, but hard a hard time getting the right answers when I worked  them out long hand. Want to see both a frustrated student and teacher? Try a student who can only do the math in her head, and a teacher who can’t get the student to get the right answer worked out on paper. I couldn’t explain how I got it right, but the teacher knew I wasn’t cheating because I did not have access to the answers.

Which is more important though, the ability to pay attention to detail, or the ability to concentrate? Not sure. I do have great concentration abilities. Which is good because I am so bad at details. I have to concentrate very hard to be meticulous. And it works. I often uncover details in my research that no one else can find and am able to put the information together in ways others can not connect.  And the great thing about being an adult and not in school is that you can just call it “instinct,” and then you don’t have to explain it on paper.

Listening is also a great ability to have, but it is one that does not come natural to me either. That is because many times my brain is going so fast with ideas that I miss out on what the other person is saying. I have to concentrate, once again, on slowing down and make a conscious effort to listen. That takes an effort. So what it boils dow to is this: If I care about you I will listen to you. If I don’t, I won’t. Because if I don’t care about you, why would I care what you have to say? It’s not very politically correct, but that is the reality.

What I have found about listening  is that it’s an intensely intimate act. To quiet your own thoughts down enough to hear the other persons voice is tremendous. To really take in what they are saying, comprehend the meaning behind it, and listen to what they are not saying as well. Listening is an act of compassion, caring, empathy and love. Because just the single act of listening creates connection. You cannot truly listen to another and not feel a connection, whether positive or negative.

Listening also forces you to take a step back and consider other possibilities. I am a bit of a control freak, but if I listen to what someone I care about wants, and it is different from what I want, I have to let go. I have to give up control and let the other person in. Listening forces you to let go, because if you care about the other person, what they want and how they feel, you want them to be happy. Others cannot be happy if you are always in control.

Another thing that makes me a misfit? The fact that when I am in my car I have conversations in my head. I think of how the best way to handle meetings, conflicts and conversations. I plan out what I need to say and how. That is how much of a control freak I am. So listening to others helps me stay connected with others. Listening helps me let life unfold on it’s own, without my interference.

Those are the big things that contribute to my misfitness. There are also the issues of my extreme clumsiness, my inability to grow houseplants without killing them, the fact that I must walk on my tip toes when happy or when going up stairs, the extreme need for a daily fix of chocolate and a ridiculous work ethic.

But looking around, many others have those issues too. So maybe we can all be misfits, together.

Between the Lines

I have not been writing as much recently, or in the last few days or so. This is a bit odd to be because I am used to writing and posting almost every day. But something is happening. I am busy enjoying life.

And it occurred to me that sometimes you have to stop writing about life, and start living it in order to have something valuable to write and say later. Sometimes you have to take a break, take a few steps back, gain perspective and just enjoy.

It is different than writers block, because frankly I do have a lot about which to write. But they are things that might seem boring, like how I love to sit and look at the Christmas tree when the lights are off. Or how much I am looking forward to my sister’s visit for her birthday. Or even how thrilled I am that the Christmas presents that I have ordered for loved ones are arriving. Or how much I look forward to going to the formal holiday parties and dressing up, how much I enjoy re-connecting with friends right now, how I am enjoying long slow kisses, my new work space, even getting lost in the new parking deck for 30 minutes (have I mentioned my lack of sense of direction?). How O need to vacuum my house because the dust bunnies are waging war against the tufts of cat hair. How I am enjoying my house plants actually blooming inside, or how much I am looking forward to New Years.

How I am enjoying long looks, happy dinners and much laughter. How it is shopping with friends, finding the perfect dress with the perfect fit, a glass of wine and good conversation, a hot cup of tea, a fire, a long run, crisp mornings, purring kitties, snuggling up to him that is making life just delicious. THat taking a break is not always a bad thing, that it can mean that life is blooming right before your eyes.

I am actually too busy enjoying all of these things to actually take the time to write about them as much as I want. And that may not be a bad thing. It is often what others may find boring that comprises our lives. But that does not mean out lives are boring, far from it actually. Because life is mostly made up of those tiny little moments that may not mean much to others, but mean so much to each one of us individually. Life is all that which we do not write, that makes it so wonderful, mysterious, interesting and beautiful. Life is what happens between the lines.

So here I am, enjoying my spot between the lines. Enjoying the “boring” parts, where everything in my life right now is special, magic and wonderful, and just for me.

The Joys of Christmas

Day 28, Christmas decorations:  Today I am thankful for Christmas decorations.  This past Thanksgiving weekend, my Mother decided to pass her huge collection of Christmas Ornaments on to My sister and I. This was sad and exciting at the same time. Sad because she will not be putting up a Christmas Tree, exciting because the ornaments I have looked at since I was a little girl will now be hanging on my tree.

The decorating has already started and by the time it is all done, it will look like Christmas exploded in my house. Already there is mistletoe, Mr. and Mrs Claus by the front door and big red velvet bows.  There are Christmas place mats and table clothes, bowls, candle holders, stockings and stocking holders. There are Christmas pot holders, mantle decorations, a table top Christmas tree, tinsel, wall hangings and Salt and pepper shakers. And that is just the beginning! 

The Christmas tree will be put up and decorated tonight. My little Charlie Brown tree will be loaded down with Christmas ornaments old and new. There will be lights, balls, crosses, angels, bears, sheep, candy canes, mice, bells, bows, Santas, and even a Christmas Octopus. Oh, it will be wonderful. And the whole time the tree is being decorated, there will be Christmas music playing.

Did I mention I get a little excited and go maybe a little bit overboard with the Christmas  decorations? But it makes me happy to sit at night, with all the lights off, except of the soft glow of my little Christmas tree, lights shining like little diamonds. Once I even kept it up until September. It was the New Years Tree, the St. Pat’s Day Tree, the Easter Tree, the Labor Day Tree…it was great even if all of my friends made fun of me and called me a redneck. I just hated the idea pf taking it down. (note: The ornaments get very dusty when left up that long. Dust often)

The first year I had a cat I made the mistake of putting the pretty tinsel onto the tree…and then I discovered a very colorful litter box. Oh you have not experienced the joys of pet ownership until you have fished multi-colored tinsel out of a little box.

Then there was the cat who loved to get a running start and fly into the Christmas tree. His name was Taz. I came home once and found all but one branch torn off the tree that year. Well, the branches he did d not try to eat anyway. That was also the year he ate my favorite strappy sandals, my iPod and my favorite sweater. Alas, I do not have that very sweet, albeit hungry kitty anymore.

There was the time I got tangled up in my Christmas tree and fell to the floor with a thud. I am sure to the outside public it might have looked as if the tree had come alive and was flailing around the floor. It might have even  looked like a Christmas tree monster. Oddly enough, my cats have been terrified to come near the Christmas tree since then.

And this year will be extra special. I did not put a tree up last year as I was just too busy. That was the first year of my life that there was no Christmas tree, so this year must be extra special to make up for it.

So let the decorating begin!

 

 

 

Day 20: Home, Beds and Blankets

Day 20, My Home: I think I  said something about being thankful for having a roof over my head in an earlier post, but this one is different. This is specifically about having a home.

As I was cleaning up a night ago, I looked out over my house and realized something wonderful: it was finally my home. Home, that place that is sacred. That place where we are safe, were we are protected from all that is bad or unpleasant. Home is where we go to recharge. home is where our hearts are safest.

And I look ed around and there were memories in every corner. This is the place where I go to be safe, where my Mother comes to be comforted, where my father comes to heal after treatment, where my nephew comes for quiet time, where my sister comes to take a break and enjoy some tea, where my friends come for laughterand good times, where those I love come for comfort, food and drink. It is Home.

And for that I am thankful.

Bed and blankets: I am also thankful for my wonderful comfortable beds. If I get tired and have trouble sleeping in one, I simply walk across the hall to the other. And then I can snuggle deep down into the warm blankets and drift off to sleep, while my cats purr beside me.

Yes, life is good and I am thankful.

Day 16, 17 and 18

More thankful November days:

Day 16, my eyesight: I have very bad vision without my contacts, but with them I have better than 20/20 vision. So I am thankful for  my contacts and for my eyesight. I am thankful that I live in a time when contact lenses are a possibility.

Day 18, weather: I am thankful for beautiful weather. The weather with weekend has been wonderful, perfect for keeping the windows open in the house and letting fresh air inside while house cleaning. Hard to believe it is November with warmish/coolish sunny days. Perfect for curling up with a warm fuzzy blanket (which I am also very thankful for) and good books (again, for which I am thankful.

Day 19, contract and spell check: I am very thankful my contract has been extended. I love my job, I love where i work and they seem to love me too. I am also very thankful for spellcheck. Even though it might not seem like I use it much on this blog, I use it a great deal professionally. I am a great writer…not a great speller. And sometimes the thoughts pour out of me so fast that my hands cannot type the words fast enough and I have many typo’s. But that’s OK, you guts know what I mean.

I am also thankful for laughter and smiles. long sweet looks, slow kisses and good movies. I am thankful for long conversations, grilled cheese sandwiches, whispers and warm places.

I am thankful for Ranch Dressing, fried chicken and roller coasters. High heels, great boots and bathing suites. Glasses of wine, nail polish and earrings, hot chocolate, egg nog and Christmas trees. Nail clippers and cinnamon, and the smell of dinner cooking on the stove. Hugs, tissues, warm big sweaters and fuzzy socks, playing cards, chess and the Muppets.

Yes, this year I have so much for which to be thankful.

The Best Things About Winter

There are many things to love about Spring, with all the warm weather and new leaves. Summer is the season of fun and fall is when we finally cool down and enjoy the colors of the leaves. But what about winter? I think this season gets a bad reputation. Don’t get me wrong, i do hate to be cold, but winter is wonderful. Don’t think so? Just read continue reading.

hibernation: Suffering from a bit of overexposure after all the summer pool parties and fall festivals? Winter is the time to relax, rejuvenate and hibernate. Read a good book, watch your favorite movies, do those home projects you’ve been putting off. It gets dark sooner so it’s perfect for sleeping. And girls, take a break from shaving…yes! (girls, don;t even try to deny it, you know you’ve done it) We can also gain a few pounds since we’ll all be covered up on sweaters anyway. So go ahead, have that extra piece of pie. Yum!

Warm blankets and hot chocolate: They just go together like peanut butter and jelly. Wrap up in something soft and warm and drink that wonderful hot chocolate to heat you up from the inside out. Maybe even put a little Baily’s in it for some extra snap. Warm fuzzy socks are also great for the season. Along with warm, soft sweaters that guys love to see us girls wearing. Just be careful if you are a klutz like me and try not to spill really hot chocolate all over your favorite sweater…or your favorite guy.

Christmas lights and holidays: We get a lot of time off during the winter and see family (which, lets face it, can be good or bad). In between saying hello to creepy Uncle Bob and Dodging Aunt Nancy, we may find ourselves catching up with family we actually love and miss. We get to go shopping, sing Christmas carols and see all the wonderful Christmas lights. To me, they are magic. I love them and they make me happy. And if you don’t like the holidays…then boo to you! I’ll talk to you in the Spring thaw.

Fireplaces: Not too much beats the warmth and great sound of a fire. And I love to hear that wonderful crackle. Unfortunately, I have a gas fireplace, not a log burning one. It’s jsut not the same…Roasting marshmallows, having a glass of wine, laughing and long conversations are all made perfect by the fireside. Just remember, don’t drink too much by the fire…or you may fall in (not that that has ever happened…)

Snuggle weather:  One of the best things about winter. Cold nights make for wonderful snuggling, and what better excuse to get cozy with that cutie you have a crush on than to keep warm? From cold nights to sitting by the fire to kissing in the snow…winter is made for love. As long as you don’t have the flu or have been near anyone who has been close to anyone who has the flu.

Boots: Nothing says winter like a great pair of boots for the season. And guys, you know you love when we wear them too. And they are made for walking away quickly should you encounter anyone with the flu.

Snow: Here in the south we don’t get that much snow, but when we do it’s a lot of fun…as long as you don’t have to drive in it. You don’t have to work and you can just stay home, make snow angels and snow men. And if it doesn’t snow this year, I plan to take a trip to the mountains to play. It is my goal to be kissed in the snow this year as well. I just have to find some mistletoe.These are just some of the great things about winter. As the season goes along I am sure there will be many more things to list. So get out those warms blankets and soft sweaters.

Domestic Bliss

We all want our homes to feel good, welcoming and well, like home.  In order that there  must be a level of domesticity about us. We have to arrange furniture, hang pictures, put out knick nacs, books, we must in essence make out house a home.  Fill it with loved items, memories, laughter and warm blankets. And I am letting my domestic Goddess out to play these days

The weekend has been very wonderful indeed and just what the doctor ordered.  It started with the annual moving of the plants. All the plants that were outside are now inside for the winter. And in my office, other wise known as the green house until spring.

Then the cleaning commenced. It was a beautiful day outside, so the windows were open, letting the breeze of fresh air throughout the house. I dusted, vacuumed and straightened up.  I even cleaned out the garage and made it into my perfect little workout space once more.

Then there were the home projects. The bed frame is now tightened (I can hear the giggles), the dart board is hung (very crooked) on the wall with care, the dreadmill treadmill has been moved and the toilet is no longer running. Who needs a handy man? Not this girl. Or at least until I went out and bought a wall mount for the big TV in the living room. After having been so great at the other house projects, I just knew this would be a piece of cake. Not so much.

There are a list of tools needed in the instructions, most of which I do not have. They actually say you need a power drill, which is not something I have in my tool box. You also need a stud finder and a level, neither of which I own. And even if I did, the directions could be written in another language…and I think were. They have illustrations and instruction that read like “connect figure a to piece 123” What? I can’t tell what either one of those things are from the drawing…I was actually about to break down and send a plea of help to the most recent ex (he has power tools), however, a good friend came to my rescue instead. She is sending over her single, cute and super sweet guy friend over to help install it this week. TV mount installed and a Hot, sweet man to help? I have the best friends ever.

Maybe he can help with the UFO (Unidentified Falling Object) from the garage that fell on my car. No one seems to know what it is, where it came from or how to put it back.

The domestic bliss continued with the doing and folding of laundry while watching The Fifth Element on AMC.  As much as I love Science Fiction movies, I really aught to read more science fiction books. Maybe I’ll put that on my list of things to do, eventually.

I even had time to edit more of my book this weekend. The end of the year is getting closer, and if I work on it a little bit every day, no doubt it will be completed before my deadline.

Bottom line, there is noting better than making your house a home – warm, welcoming and where those you love feel comfortable. .  That is a very special thing indeed. And I am wrapped up warmly, tightly, in domestic bliss. And tonight, I have the bedroom window open as I snuggle down into the soft warmth of blankets handmade with love from my mother and aunt.

And I am so proud of myself, here are some pictures (because I know you are waiting on the edge of your seat for these).

The crooked dart board (I obviously don’t own a level)

The crooked dart board (I obviously don’t own a level)

My fireplace (the Dreadmill was in front of it)

The office/green room

The TV that needs to be mounted to the wall

My workout room/garage