THIS

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again.  And in between the amazing and the awful its ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. – LR Knost

The ups and downs of life. We can’t avoid them.  And honestly would we really want to? While there are times when we all wish we could fast forward, would we really want a life with just ups and no downs?  I don’t think so.

This was a rough summer for me.  And I am still healing.  But this hard time, this heartache, it makes me think back to the wonderful memories of when everything was perfect.  I hold onto those memories so tight, knowing this will not last forever.

While packing up for the move I found cards my mother sent me during other rough times.  And those cards felt like a wonderful blanket of love and warmth, with the things she wrote still holding true.

THIS. This is all part of life.  We cannot appreciate to the good without also experiencing the bad.  I remember reading a book called “The Prophet” when I was 19.  Totally changed my life.  One of the passages states only that which brings you great joy can bring you great sorrow. Truth be told, I will gladly grieve the loss to be able to say how much joy I had with my mother.  I will gladly cry and miss her now, for the fact that I had her in my life for 43 years.

And that is just life.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the all of it. It is the all of it that makes life so rich, so deep, so mosaic and so riveting. It’s the mistakes, missed opportunities, wrong roads, paths less traveled, the unexpected moments that take our breath away and truly make life worth living.

The best stories and memories aren’t when everything goes as planned.  We find ourselves and our joy oftentimes in the most assuming and surprising places along the way.   We find our life in the spaces of the hills and valleys of our heart and the tales it tells. We find our love in not only the happiness, but the sorrows.

And in the end, when I look back, I hope it’s as magical, as memorizing and as beautiful  as I imagine.

We just have to hold on, pray, have faith and breath. I wish I had some deep and fantastic thing to write about it. But the simple truth is we just have to live it. We just have to live THIS.

To Her

What is she looking for, I wonder?  When she looks at my blog, at the same ones that she always reads? Is she looking for comfort?  Or inspiration to leave?  Has he done to her what he did to me?  Is she trying to get the courage? Is she looking for a clue?  Why it is those entries?  Except, I know.

This is to you, yes you, his new.  Don’t be afraid to leave.  You deserve better than to have someone speak to you that way, treat you that way, hurt you that way…hit you that way.  Yes, what I say is true, all of it. And there is life after, love after, all after it’s over. Two others have gone before you, and there is enough of a record to stop it.  If that is the road you choose, you will not walk alone.

 

Life in Imperfections

I am learning that within our own imperfections we find the greatest truths, unconditional love, appreciation and a mirror of who we really hope to be on the inside on the good and Bad days. – Jennifer Jo Clark Singleton

We all have those times in life were we just have to do it. There is a reason why that slogan is such a hit.  It is especially appropriate after a tragedy or major setback in life.  When we feel hopeless, defeated, hurt, scared, sad, depressed, discourage, unsure…we just have to get up and do it.

I remember a lesson I learned from my mother.  She had a very bad back and suffered terrible chronic pain.  She was extremely strong willed though and worked through it.  The pain would put most people in bed…and I remember asking her why she didn’t just take a break or lie down?  With a smile and that common sense way of thinking for which she was famous, she told me that her back was going to hurt whether she got up or not, so she might as get up, and get busy. Wow. Now that she is no longer with us, I want to carry her on lessons of strength and endurance in the face of hard time.

The fact is that we will probably still feel scared, discouraged, sad, or whatever, but we just have to do it anyway.  At some point you have to decide to reach deep down, where the soul meets the mind, down where each heartbeat mingles with our breath, and pull ourselves up.  It’s going to hurt anyway, so we might as well just do it.

And so it goes.  There is much to do at this moment.  So much change, heartache, work, love, fear, truth, honor, sadness, and life.  Adjusting to having an aging parent in the house, making sure he has everything he needs and wants, packing and organizing two moves, working a full time job, trying to cook, clean and do everyday things, keeping up with friends and family… I have no idea how I am going to do it, but I just have to, because failure is not an option.

But I know I can do it, because my mother could do anything, and I am my mother’s daughter.  The pity party is over – and that is another thing she taught me.  Have a pity party, but just make sure it doesn’t last too long.  Because life and it’s demands do not stop just because you are having a bad day, or week, or month or even year.  So you better figure it out.

I can hear her voice, gently whispering to me, as I get up in the morning.  She knows I can do it.  I will not be perfect at this.  I will stumble, fall and even fail sometimes, no matter how hard I try.  And in my imperfections, I have found this truth.  In her imperfections I have found that unconditional love and faith.  I have found that mirror of who I am now and who I want to be on the good and bad days. And I am blessed to have a wonderful people around me who will stand by firm.  They are my roots.

We can also choose in what spirit in which we move forward.  We can choose to rise above the drama and pain, or let it drag us down.  We can choose to do things with a loving and cheerful heart, or we can be bitter and angry. I choose the former in both sets.  Dolly Parton Sings in her hit Hard Candy Christmas “I’m barely getting through tomorrow/But still I won’t let/Sorrow get me way down/Me, I’ll be just fine and dandy.” And I will be just fine.

I think that starts with acceptance. It is going to be hard. It is going to test my limits and strength.  But’s it’s going to hurt anyway so I might as well get up and get busy.  Things are going to be unbalanced right now, so I will just grab what time for myself that I can, and just get through the rest. Maybe the key is finding the unbalance you can live with temporarily. And the bad times are always temporary; it won’t be like this six months from now, a year from now, ten years from now.

You can pack and cry at the same time; you can move mountains while still wounded. You just have to do it. And so I will. How…I am not sure.  I guess we will figure that out along the way. And in my imperfections I will find life.

Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together. – Elizabeth Taylor

The Train Tracks

In the past 9 weeks, since June 28^th, I have put a little over 6,000 miles on my car.  When you are the only local child that can drive to take care of parent issues, you tend to rack up the miles on your car when there is distance between you and the parents.  Both my car and I are exhausted.

June 28^th I drive down to meet my parents at the hospital to watch over Mom while she was in the hospital and help with recovery afterward.  She never recovered.  And then it was a flurry driving back and forth between Atlanta and the small southwest Georgia home where they lived. And every weekend, I have driven down to help sort things out.  Every weekend but two.

My Dad wants to go down every weekend to fix things like burned out light bulbs, outlet covers and things like that.  The house is for sale and he is convinced no one will buy the compound if one single light bulb is burned out or if they do not like the outlet covers.

So, when in this situation and absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed, how do you put your parent on restriction?  How do I look at my Dad and say “Dad, I love you, but you are grounded.  You are not allowed to leave town until there is actually a problem with the house”?  Because I need a break.  I need to be home for a weekend to do laundry, because I need to sort through Mom’s things that you have brought up here, because I need to sleep…because I just need to take a breath and NOT drive 1,000 miles in a weekend.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, part of the cure is to set firm boundaries so you can begin to get things under control.  How does that work when it’s your parents, and they need things too?  I guess it is the same as if he were a child.  And that is what it feels like a bit.  So how to go through and take care of myself and him and the boyfriend and the job and the house and the cooking and the cleaning and the looking for a new larger place and the everything else and still handle my own grief?  I am tired just writing it.

Most of the time when life gets hard, my answer has been to put my head down and work hard and just do it – whatever it is that needs to be done. But the loss of a parent is very different.  The very person I would call to inspire me, talk to me when exhausted and just give a kind word is gone.  So what now?

I am not sure.  I have found that being thrown out of my comfort zone also means not knowing a thing about what I am doing or how to do it.  Sometimes you may just have to accept that fact that it is just going to be bad. It will be difficult, exhausting, hard, emotional and will push you too your limits.  But no one said that life would be easy all of time.  No one promised us a rose garden.  And this is not where you will read how much the hard times will make you better.  Because quite frankly, I am not sure how the death of a parent can make a person better.  Once you have gone through it you can empathize with others in a way that you could not have before…but that is as optimistic as I can be.

So this is just going to be one of those hard times.  This is going to be one of those times where it seems that nothing is working, nothing is moving forward, nothing is getting done, nothing is getting better.  That I don’t even have time to do laundry, much less to things enjoyable like watch a favorite TV show.  There really have been few moments to enjoy, because there is too much to do.  This may be one of the times when you have to let the train run over you and pray you aren’t too messed up when it’s over.

And here I am. Dusty, tired, a little scraped up…but here.

Five Year Reflection

Five Year reflection

It has been five years this month since I was brutally attacked and nearly strangled to death by my then boyfriend. And I was not going to write a post about it, because life has moved so far past that event.  But there are many women who experience violence at the hands of the man they loved and trusted, so this is what I have learned having been through it and survived.  These are things I wish someone had told me:

• It is not your fault: No matter what you did, what you said, how you were dressed or how long you stayed, it is not your fault. You did nothing to provoke him or deserve being hit be the man you loved and trusted. That is on him. He is an adult and he is responsible for his actions. Not you.  Even when he blames you and says it is your fault, it’s not.   And no matter how many other people say it’s your fault, it’s not (we’ll get to that later). Remember that.
• Get Counseling: I did.  You will need a safe space to talk to, beyond family and friends.  Being attacked will affect you in many ways. Taking care of yourself during this time is very important.  You may have PTSD, you may have nightmares, you may have flashbacks, you may have panic attacks, you may feel angry, depressed or like you are going crazy. You are not going crazy.  But seeing a counselor will help you get through this experience as quickly as possible. If you have trouble sleeping, see about getting on Ambien or similar. If you are getting depressed, ask about being temporarily put on an antidepressant.  It’s all about you and making sure you are OK.
• This isn’t the first time: If he or anyone else says that this is the first time he hit a woman or was violent – it’s not. Do not believe them. This is not the first time. You are not the first woman. And, you will probably not be the last either.
• It is not personal: It is extremely personal to you, but not to him.  You were just there. But no matter if it was you, or Sally down the street, he would have done it to whoever he was with. It just happened to be you. This time. Abuse is about control and power.  It is not because you did anything wrong, it is not because he was angry, it is not because he had a bad childhood and no one understands him. It is not because of anything other than power and control.
• Verbal before physical: Before he will ever hit you, he will be verbally abusive. This may be obvious like yelling at you or calling you names.  Or, most times, it starts out very subtle and before you know it, you just feel bad about yourself, but may not be able to put your finger on it.  You just feel stupid all the time…especially when you are around him.  Many times the emotional abuse goes deeper and is worse.  Because when you have a bruise you can point to it and say he hurt me…but when it’s emotional…what can you say?  He hurt my feelings?  He made me cry?  Many times we are told we are too sensitive or are being trivial, over reacting or suffering PMS…You are not.  You have been wounded.
• You are not stupid: He probably didn’t start out as an asshole when you started seeing him. He was probably charming and attentive. He was a con artist.  You are not stupid because you fell for him. You were just taken in by a con.  And it happens to a lot of women. You are not alone. Thousands, maybe even millions of women have been through this. And they survived. You will too.  And if people are talking or gossiping about it? Yes it is mortifying, but you’ll get through that too.  Because no matter they are, or how together they have it, at some point everyone has relationship drama.
• The police are not Always on your side: When it comes to law enforcement, there is a lot of victim blaming.  I naively thought the police believe the good guys and go after the bad guys.  It can be the way around when it comes to domestic violence.  You will be asked what you did to provoke him, you will be asked personal things in condescending and accusing tones.  You may even be blamed…for everything.  I was blamed for leaving the first time he hit me, another woman I know was blamed for staying too long in the relationship.  I was blamed for being swift and thorough – I went to the cops immediately, assisted officers in locating my attacker, and lured him to the area when the police arrested him.  And then was called a vindictive actress by the assistant DA.  Another woman was blamed for waiting too long, and giving her attacker too many chances after several violent attacks.  Basically, it doesn’t matter what you did, you may be blamed.  Don’t listen.  Know in your heart that you did the best you could. And that is enough. You are enough.
• He knows how to work the system: Because you are not the first person he has hit, or the first time he has been in trouble for it, he knows the legal system better than you.  That might mean not answering the door to avoid being served with a restraining order (if he can’t be served the order will be dismissed). Hire a process server to hunt him down at work, at the store, or where ever to get him served.  You can even do a service by publication. When he does get served, he will be charming, extremely charismatic and he will paint himself as the victim.  He may get an attorney.  And he may be vindictive and try to bring charges against you, accusing you of petty or untrue things.  People like that know exactly what they are doing. They know how to dance on that line of harassing and not get arrested.  My attacker tried to get me arrested for fighting back when he attacked me, saying that I attacked him, and that he had injuries and needed to be compensated. I thankfully got a female judge who recognized what he was doing and dismissed it. He would contact me constantly but not say anything threatening…and law enforcement would do nothing because he “was being nice.” He also contracted my friends and family harassing them.  Again the police said that there was nothing they could do. Then when I tried to get a restraining order against him, he taunted me by sending me emails saying he did not have to answer the door, and described my friend’s houses, and even what one of their daughters looked like going to school.  Law enforcement said he was doing nothing illegal because he was not threatening anyone. Laws for stalking have come a long way in the last five years, so it may be easier to get something done now.  Just be prepared for a master manipulations of the system.
• Get an attorney: And make sure it is a good one who specializes in domestic violence and understands the personality of an attacker – that he will be slick and manipulative.  Even an open and close case can be dismissed if your attorney doesn’t take it seriously.
• Some of your friends will blame you: IGNORE THEM. They are not your friends. They are wrong. It is not your fault, you did nothing to deserve this, you did not ask for it, you did nothing but open your heart to love and trust another.  This happened to me and it was both shocking and incredible hurtful. These were strong, professional women who had been close friends.  They looked at me and told me I asked for it because I invited this person into my life.  That it was my fault for provoking him and having a life so full of drama, it was my fault because I should have known better.  These “ladies” were supposed to be my friends. I was shocked that they would take his side, some for them even becoming friends with him.  It may sound silly, but it is their loss.  They are not your friends; they are weak petty women who would rather point fingers at you because that is easier than supporting you.  Leave them in the dust and don’t look back.  Your true friends will be supportive, understanding and patient. They will love you and help you.
• You have the right to be shitty: Great advice given to me by one of the wonderful, kind, supportive women who stood by me after the attack.  That means you have the right to be mad, emotional, moody, whatever.  You have the right to feel however way you want to feel. For as long as you want to feel it.  You have the right to fall apart, to be depressed, to be whatever. You have the right to tell all of your friends you need an emergency lunch, then decide you don’t want to eat anything.  And your friends will love you anyway.  So give yourself time and permission to be shitty.
• Lean on your friends: Let them stay with you or you stay with them.  Call them when you feel scared, or just bad.  Let them help you through this.
• This does not and will not define you: It feels like it does now.  It feels like a definite divide between before and after.  But it won’t always be that way. It will rule your life for a period of time, especially if it is going through the legal system (and you have to relive it over and over). But after time, what happened will just be a memory. It will just be a bad moment.  Eventually there will be enough miles and time and life and distance between that you will say yes, this once happened to me, but I am still me.
• You will be OK: It may not seem like it now, but you will be OK. And this will make you a better, stronger, finer, more compassionate person.  When you get on the other side of this, you will be scarred. But scar tissue is stronger than the original.  And you will be too.
• You will never be the same, and that’s OK: it took a while for me to accept this, because I just wanted to go back to the way I was, the way life was, before the attack.  There is an innocence that is lost when another human being tries to kill you, especially as violent as strangling you.  Because that is so close, so violent, so angry and you can see into their eyes when they are doing it. You see that kind of evil and it changes you.  You cannot go back to who and what you were before you saw that.  But that is OK. Because now that is part of you. And you have the choice – keep it as a ball and chain to keep you down and make you bitter, or use it as a stepping stone to rise above it to become stronger.  I chose the latter and hope you do too.
• Not all men are bad: It is easy to think that all men are bad after being attacked.  But very, very few men ever hit a woman. I remember right after the attack being at the airport and looking out at men in the crown, wondering “has he hit a woman before?” Has that man ever tried to strangle a woman?”  And I remember telling my therapist that I look forward to the day that I don’t see a man and wonder that.  Five years later I am with a wonderful man, who loves me and is so kind.  You will find one like that too. But just concentrate on healing for now.

There are many other things, but that is enough for this blog, for now.

Motivate, Inspire and Don’t Listen to Naysayers

We have all read many times that as you go through life, there will be people who motivate and inspire you, and there will be people who try to tear you down, demoralize, dehumanize and demotivate you.  People who are jealous, threatened or who just may be miserable themselves, who will do their best to stop you from succeeding.  And then there are those who will lift you up, inspire, motivate and encourage.  Those are the true leaders in the world, regardless of job title or position.

It was may years ago that I sat I her office one afternoon.  As vice president of the company we worked for, I was shocked to hear the words that same out of her mouth.  She told me that I was too stupid to work at that company.  And as I listened to her, I made a promise to myself that as a leader, I would never do to her what she was trying to do to me.

First, let me say that I thank her now, so many years later. Because that negative experience motivated me in a way that I then could not have imaged. She was not a leader she was just a boss.  A leader would never have said anyone was “too stupid”, even if it were true.

Had I been younger, less confident and more impressionable, she as the vice president, would have greatly damaged my confidence and self image.  There is a saying that with power comes great responsibility, and that is true.  What was not true was what she was saying. The only thing it did was show how little class she had, and motivate me to be a much better leader than the example sitting in front of me.

I want to always inspire others. Because to be able to inspire others, to make them think or feel, to help them believe in themselves, to help them feel love for themselves and others, to me, that is the most amazing thing to do.  And if I can do that, just a little, then that is can incredible blessing.

So when someone shows you that they are a boss and not a leader, when you have someone who says something so cruel and unprofessional, you can use that and turn it into a positive.  An example of what not to do and how to be better than those who are beneath you, even if they are above your pay grade.

Why do some want to tear you down?  Who knows.  It could be that they are threatened, or jealous of you and your success, or they are just miserable themselves. And honestly it doesn’t really matter why they do what they do, just that you do not listen to them.  Or that you use what they do or say as a platform on which to build.  You should be so busy working to make your life fabulous, that you don’t have time to take what they say to heart.  Build on their words and negativity. You have the power to turn it into something positive, something beautiful.

From that job, have been blessed to be a successful writer, working for some of the most amazing companies. I have had the pleasure of working with and learning from some incredible leaders, and they have never demoralized anyone like that one boss.  Every great leader I have had, has inspired others to believe in themselves and their abilities.  They have taken opportunities to teach and give constructive criticism that made that person want to be better.  That is leader.

So please, please, don’t let let those who would try to tear you down, break your spirit or just be mean, affect your self worth.  Whether it is on a professional or personal level, only those who are there to inspire you have your best interest at heart.  A leader will never insult you, never tell you are you stupid, or ugly, or dumb, or defective in away.  if someone says these things, it says more about them than it does about you.

That is not to say that those who love you will never criticize, but learn the difference between those who may be concerned and are truly trying to help, and those who simply want to entertain themselves watching your pain.  And then, reach deep inside you, deep where light does not even go, and turn that pain power.

Beauty and the Chainsaw

I had wanted one of my own for quite a while but was not since I was not allowed to use one until in my 40’s. Maybe because I am such a klutz that loved ones were afraid I would cut off fingers or even a leg.  Nope.  So, when my father’s chainsaw quit working, I took that as a sign that I needed my own.  Yes, now, the Pinktank has a gas powered, powerful chainsaw. And I like it!  The only thing that would make it better is if it were pink.

So, my wonderful boyfriend and I were out in the middle of the South Georgia heat, at 3pm, sawing through vines, limbs and trees (nothing motivates a man like his girlfriend having a chainsaw). Now it is it is HAWT down there if you have never had the pleasure to visit the area in the summer.  So, if working outside you need to make sure you have tools that make whatever you are doing easier.  I think I lost weight working outside, lifting the chainsaw up over my haed to cut as high as possible, and sweating like a very non-southern belle.

There is something very liberating about being a girl and handling hard “power tools” like a chainsaw. Doing such things makes me feel empowered as I let out my inner Lucy Lawless (think Xena). It is good to get out of the house and have dirt under your nails, leaves in your hair and sweat on your brow.  Not only is it good exercise, but it is fun…once you get past the whole it’s-so hot-you-can-melt part.

And it was helping my parents, who are getting older and do not enjoy working out in the heat anymore (Even though it is so hot in their house they should have a tropic island theme and hand everyone lei and an umbrella drink). So even though it was hard, dirty work, it was good for all parties involved.

And  I still have all fingers, toes and limbs!  (BTW, my boyfriend has been exceptionally wonderful since buying said chainsaw…)

The In of the Move

We all have those big life events that get us excited, make us think, plan for our future, make plans, put away the past, look forward or just remind us of how great life can be.  This weekend, it is that fact that my boyfriend and I have moved in together.  Huge step in the relationship and life in general.  The idea of sharing my space with another has been, well, scary.  But not so much with this wonderful human being.

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And as with most life events, there is much work to be done.  As a woman who has been on her own for twenty (yes 20) years,  It has been about 11 years since I cleaned out my closets, cabinets and drawers.  Yes, there have been Mini-cleanings” where I didn’t want to pack things for a move, but a serious, if-you-haven’t-used-it-in-X-years cleaning out?  Not so much…

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It is said that going through your old unused things is cathartic, and I have to agree.  You see items that have been buried away, deep in boxes, and the emotions and memories along with them.  And something else happened too. I realized, over the past 4-5 years, just how ragged my life had been. The proof was right there in front of me, in the ragged way clothes had just been thrown on hangers, un-straight (yes that is a word in my dictionary), disheveled and worn.  Things had holes in them that I just shrugged off, prized dresses and such wrinkled and jammed up.

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It has only been in the past year that life has been settled and good enough to breath again. Before that it was rushing from one crisis to the next as I took care of family, pets and myself.  And as my boyfriend separated the sets of good sheets and towels from the worn, torn, and ragged sets, I was reminded of just how torn and ragged I had become after those years as well.

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Taking care of all others and not having anything left for myself. When that happens you simply settle for what is the closest, easiest thing.  You work hard for others, and afterward the energy left is barely enough to get the basics for yourself.  You are running on empty – fumes and prayers. And that is what I did.  Wrapped up in tattered hopes and dreams, having left pieces of me; of my heart, mind, body and soul, along the path I had traveled.

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It is amazing to me, how some things only become apparent when they are literally staring you in the face. Making sure I was surrounded by pretty seemed irrelevant when taking care of so many. Taking care of myself, taking time for small little things that made me smile was so far away.  It was more along the lines of put my head down, nose to the grindstone and do what needs to be done.  There was no time or energy for pretty.

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And now my closet has what is whole and good.  Sheets are whole and good, so are the towels.  My boyfriend reminds me every day that I should be surrounded by pretty every day.  What a beautiful thing to say.  And so it goes.

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After a year of rebuilding it is now that I find myself whole again.  And when you are whole, you can truly get rid of that which is tattered and worn, because that is no longer who you are.  You have evolved further than your past can take you.  And you must shed the skin of your old self because it is too tight and small.  I never knew, never thought that moving in with someone would teach me these things. What a wonderful discovery.

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The other part of moving in together is figuring out how the furniture will blend.  I have a full 4 bedroom house!  Well, three bedrooms and a huge office.  We have to figure out which dining room table, breakfast table, desks (I have 3) and chairs stay and which leave.  And as we went through the kitchen, I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was to compromise – as never before have I ever allowed someone else in “My kitchen.”  Like mother like daughter…

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And it seems symbolic of making a life with another, as it is a gentle weaving of thoughts and styles, meshed together to make one beautiful life.  Letting go of old fears, to make room for new hopes. For me it is exciting to have a partner, not just someone taking up space, or using for as much as they can get. This is a person with whom to build.  And all those fears are outdated, just like the worn out clothes and towels.

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And so it goes, the weaving in and out of life, the building, piece by piece, as we sort though what is to be kept and what to let go. And the load is lighter.

Spring Cleaning

It’s that time of year again, when we get all excited that the days get longer and the weather is warmer.  Windows are up for fresh air to come inside, the heavy blankets give way to lighter, breezier sheets.  Bulky sweaters are put away for another season and the skirts and short sleeves are once again brought out.  There is camping and time outside on the patio, and we all seem to be just a little bit giddy.

It’s Spring.  And it is here just in time.

Spring also means spring cleaning, and this year it is especially exciting for me.  Life has come full circle and it is time to really clean up and clean out.  And isn’t there something so cathartic about getting rid of all the old baggage and that which is no longer needed or used?  Dusting off, turning on, cleaning out, getting rid, slimming down, and lifting up.  And this year it not only extends to things, this year, for me it also means people.  I have gotten rid of those who no longer serve my interests.  And it must be done from time to time to keep things well and healthy.

The fact is, cleaning people out of your life doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just that they no longer serve you, or any purpose in your life.  We  must learn discernment in our circle.  We must be careful of whom we let in.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn – I always thought everyone deserves a chance and the benefit of the doubt from the beginning.  No, they don’t.  You must trust your gut and if your gut tells you that there is something off, then trust it and keep a distance.

And getting rid of someone doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means they have no place in your life anymore.  And sometimes it is hard, when relationships and friendships become unhealthy.  A dear friend told me recently that he had feelings for me. He was very drunk and the confession was followed by inappropriate advances and suggestions. After my refusal and letting him know I was dating someone, there was lasing out with angry text messages.  It was hard, but he was out.  No one treats me, or speaks to me, in that way.  His actions and words were disrespectful and extremely hurtful. Maybe one day, when ample time has passed, and he is geographically distanced, there will be contact again.  But for now the toxicity of the friendship deemed it worthy of termination.

Keeping your inner circle closed shows self respect and value.  Not everyone deserves a seat at your table.  Not everyone has something to add to your life. And indeed, some will deplete you if you let them.  Toxic people and relationships will bleed you of your energy, emotions and intention. You will give so much to that relationship or situation, that others positives in your life go neglected. So make sure you take a look at those who surround you, those who are close. Examine your relationships to make sure that you are not settling for less than you deserve. Friendship is not free; loyalty, honestly, respect and integrity are the wages and must be paid in full.

What is important is that who is left in your life are those who are truly the best for you.  Those who will support you, cheer you on, and even give you a kick in the pants when you need it. After that what is left is space for everything good and wonderful to come in.  You cannot make a new life, holding onto what, and who, does not serve you.

Now I am feeling lighter than I did before the cleaning process began, I breath easier, and my shoulders are not as tense. I truly believe that one of the keys to happiness is making sure you have genuine, loyal, positive, supportive people around you, who truly know how to love and be good humans.

Yes, welcome to Spring!  I look forward to many good times, smile and great memories ahead.

The Promise of Summer

It’s getting closer, you can feel it in the air.  It’s stirring in the undercurrents of the wind. It’s coming, with the warming of the weather.  It is Spring and Summer.  Today, for the first time in many months I drove home with the windows down, radio up and shoes off. It was magnificent.

It has been a long, cold, hard winter, and I am ready for the good stuff.  There is a trip to the beach this weekend, and many more weekend trips to come. There is an actual vacation scheduled, the first in several years. And a new place to live promises great evenings on the porch, ready for wine and conversations.

My father’s cancer has slowed and will soon be in remission, my career has steadied, and family responsibilities are low.  After the past few years, I am ready to come out of the cocoon, transformed, gilded by the fire of difficult times, baked in the harsh light of heartache, set to cool in a body of tears. It is time to experience the promise of summer.

It is the promise of lighter times, smiles and laughter, warm days, cool nights, backyard Bar B Qs and late nights in. It is friendship and hugs, live music, street festivals, patio margaritas, and birthdays and weddings, and celebrations of life. I want to feel the wind blowing in my hair, as I drive with the windows down, friends with me ready for adventures and road trips to fun places. Chili cheese dogs at a Braves game, movies in the park, dancing in the rain. It is, in essence, the promise of hope. And just as the new leaves peek out from the safety of their branches, so must I leave the safety of my comfort zone.

And this year, this summer, I am looking for it. Love.  Not just a summer fling that turns cold with the first winds of Autumn, I mean the real thing.   Little boys dressed in mens clothing who are afraid of relationships need not apply. I want slow dancing in the kitchen, late night conversations, hand holding in the park, long hikes in the woods, conversations you never want to end, slow, rich, passionate kisses that make you dizzy. To find comfort and solace in another human being and be vulnerable right down to the core.  To build something larger and deeper than myself.

I feel like, for the first time in a log time, I am free to follow dreams, hopes and dsires that make life worth living. I want to set this summer on fire with life.

And I pray to bring the right kind of people into my life – those who match my level of integrity, faith, loyalty and honor.  Much heartache and drama can be avoided by not assuming that just because you get along and have compatible personalities that they are meant to be in your life and close to you.  It takes time, and seeing the clues as to who people really are, or at least not being blind to them.

And so as the weather gets warmer, my hopes are high. For everything good this summer, for love and laughter of friends and family. New experiences, old hang outs, and lasting memories to be made. The moments of building a life, living and loving well all the while. Yes, all of this is held in the promise of summer.

Don’t Mold Around Here No More

With any new beginning there will naturally come challenges and obstructions. Do not become discouraged by them, do not fall into fear and doubt, but rather, cleave in faith and continue on, confident that the Divine is with you and that you will overcome whatever challenges and obstructions that arise. Remember, the challenges and obstructions we encounter are integral to a greater progress and our eventual success. – Gamze Ridley

Today I received the final word on my House of Mold…not only is it full of toxic mold, but I cannot return for any reason without a Hazmat suit because the infestation has permeated ever part of the house.  It is not safe to breath even for 5 minutes.  The house must be condemned and destroyed to make sure no one else suffers further illness. It is also recommended that I get further medical testing to determine the level of permanent damage to lungs and respiratory system.

Hearing this was rather overwhelming, even though on some level it was expected. My heart went into my throat and I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.  Yes I cried.  I just didn’t expect it to be that…bad. And I threw myself the obligatory pity party for the remainder of the evening, sending out text messages, telling friends, discussing what it all meant.

And then I realized, this isn’t the end of the world. I will be fine. While the idea of living in that house for 6 months, when it’s not safe to breath for 5 minutes is terrifying, I am OK. Having my house condemned isn’t going to kill me, neither is walking away from the disaster and giving it back to the bank. Though it is not how I wanted it to be, “it is what it is and it ain’t getting no isser.”

And with that the pity party was done and I thought why not remain positive? After all, I have been extremely lucky thus far. Things could have always been worse. I could have been a lot sicker with many more health issues; I found the mold quickly when it could have taken years.

Part of  life is just getting through it. Things won’t always go your way. There will be adversities to overcome, challenges to meet, and difficulties to chase. And that’s OK.  Continual smooth waters are not conducive to forming a well rounded person. We must rise to overcome in order to find out just how high the human spirit can sore.

And while we may have a few scars or be weary from those hard times, they are worth it. For it is that which makes us great, which makes us richer, deeper, finer, more compassionate beings. It is what makes us our most human, and our most beautiful.

So, I will appreciate, maybe even celebrate to condemnation of my house and it’s subsequent foreclosure. Because that means I lived through it and came out the other side. I will appreciate the tears that may fall between now and then, for it means that I can feel deep emotion. I will appreciate the experience of the coming legal proceedings and pray for justice. And I will appreciate and celebrate all that this life gives me, because every day I breath is a gift. And I will appreciate the scars left behind, because they only add to the beauty and splendor of being human. And in being human, I find Peace.

And I will look forward and not fear the future. I don’t know what is coming in the days, weeks and even years ahead. But I am here. And this is a new beginning.

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

New Year, Birthdays and Taking Risks

Sometimes, one of the hardest things about writing is figuring out the opening sentence or line that might catch someone’s attention get them reading further and deeper. Just sitting down to write this post, I have come up with quite a few opening lines:

• It’s that time of year again…my birthday month!!!
• Just when you thought you were safe from another “New Year” blog
• As I sit here, in my PJ’s…

And sometimes, planning out the next year can be just as challenging.  I for one, am beyond happy to see the end of 2014, and am ecstatic about 2015. There is a sense of optimism and happiness. But how does one go about changing their life for the better exactly?  Not sure on that one, though many thousands of books have been written, and many thousands more no doubt.  Maybe it’s really not an exact science. Maybe it’s all by trial and error. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a compass to tell us where to go for that good life we want, or when we may be veering off track? A magic 8 Ball that really did have all the answers?

First I want to take care of myself.  Like many women, I stopped taking care of myself and took care of others instead. And when all was said and done, I was sitting on empty.  That is changing. I now look around at at empty house (except for the cats) and realize that I am bound by nothing…The world is mine to find adventure, with new things to trip over, places to fall into and new drinks to spill. I am picking up where I left off so to speak and it feels good. And scary. And exciting. And overwhelming.

I stopped working out and exercising. I stopped hiking, Stopped going to live music shows, or the botanical gardens. I quit fixing my hair, trying make up things and just having a bit of fun and enjoyment in general.  And adventure doesn’t have to be far from home, as long as you stay curious and keep quality people around you. For example, I had the best New Years I have had in a very long time. The best thing in the world, is when you are having such a wonderful time that you loose track and don’t even realize it’s midnight…

“Well behaved women seldom make history “- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

And I want to take a vacation this year. On a beach. I miss the beach,  miss the water. It’s calling my name. FINALLY publishing my book is on the list. I had to put it down to tend to other things and now, just like the rest of my life, it’s time to start it back up again. So if any of you know any publishers….

Exercise. The Dreadmill, the bane of my existence. But exercise I will. Not just to loose a few pounds, but because I felt better when I was exercising.  And I have set up a wonderful workout/zen area in my bedroom that will be perfect for rain day workouts and Pilates. Also, the garage is organized with space for the heavy bag. Yes, it’s time to start boxing again! And maybe even jog around the neighborhood if it ever quits raining. If not, boating around the neighborhood, that could be good exercise too.

I am not going to take on so much crap from others. I can help and be kind without putting myself out or sacrificing myself for them. This may seem counter intuitive to having Grace, which I am also seeking. But I think they can go hand in had. In order to have Grace, you do not have to be a doormat. You have to set realistic and healthy boundaries for yourself and life. I have not done the best of either in the past.

“Do one thing that scares you every day.” – Elenore Roosevelt

But the main thing for this next year, is to take more risks and chances. When we play it too safe, we forget how to really live. And sometimes the best thing you can do is step out of the comfort zone and grow. I want to do this with life and especially love. Someone sent me a picture they have of the word “Love” written in the sand on thebeach. That is what I want my life to be, full of love, life and sand this year. And it’s of to a wonderful start.

But I am also reminded of something I read not long ago, and that in order to be flexible, we must have stability. So, before any adventuring into the sunset happens, I must first find that stable foundation from which to build and spring my life.  Maybe that is why I am taking much care in getting the house unpacked and situated. And after being displaced by the mold, it is great to finally be able to relax and have a home in which to settle.

And there it is, my new year, for the age of 42.  And each heartbeat carries all the hopes, dreams and fears that go along with them too. And so it is, that I start this celebration of my birthday month. A celebration of life, of anticipation, of passion, of chances and of love. And they bring an enthusiasm that boils up from that deep place inside, past the mind, into the soul and back again.

 

 

Of This and Thats

It is the winter season, the holiday season, the shopping season, the everything season it seems. And as life hurries by this time of year, it seems that my writing has slowed down a bit.  Indeed it can be hard to find the time to write about thoughts and life and love and the spaces in between, when you are right in the middle of it.

And so the struggle for balance continues. And I breath, and I let go.

To be flexible, you must first have stability. A solid foundation on which to build. A place where you can move, and twist and bend as you need when life requires you to be flexible.

And as I chase stability through the empty halls of what once was to be, and in the echoes of what is coming around the bend, I yearn to be there already. I repeat the word over and over in my mind, like a mantra, and I breath. And I stretch, reaching for my goals, driving ever more, ever deeper into the life that I want to claim as mine. And I breath, and as I let the thoughts and worries drift away. The house, the mold, the attorneys, the company, the job, the career, the family…

I have started working out again. Slowly, building my strength up to where it used to be.  Slowly, building up resistance and tension, muscle, control and tone. Stability requires strength. And I want to push my body as much as I push and exercise the mind.

And as I unpack in my new home, as I begin to settle into what will be my life, I strive in all that I do, for strength and stability; to be flexible when life throws a curve ball.

And there is a sense of satisfaction and optimism. This year is coming to a close, the new one is full of all my dreams and possibilities. It is full of all the thises and thats for which I strive. And I know, in that moment, that anything is possible, if I hold on and believe. Endurance, strength, stability, flexibility are what my heart pumps with each beat, inside each cell and fiber of me.

The Ready

It is almost a magic thing when you feel the seasons change. It could be something as small as just a sigh chill in the air, but you feel, you know, the season has shifted and you are ready. And in this moment, of Fall changing to winter, I am ready.

Ready for what is next, to find my new place, live, unpack, make a home, FEEL at home. I am ready for great boots and opaque tights, cool mornings and warm coffee. I am ready for fires and fire places, looking for firewood and hiring the cozy crackle, reading by the warm fire.

I am to ready  flirt, to smile, to laugh. Ready to be kissed, have long conversations and see what comes next. To feel the rush of wonder and hope.

Ready for the bruises to be healed, for faith to be returned, to finally exhale as those baby steps bring me closer, with every beat of a heart. I am ready to shed this skin, jaded as it is, and be new.

I am ready to learn, grow, experience unfamiliar things in unfamiliar places. Ready to see the sunrise for the dawn of a new day. Ready to discover who I am under all this weight that has been carried. Ready to let go and be free of extraneous noise and unfocused light.

Ready to push my body, farther than it wants to go, work it harder than it is willing to give. To go deeper, work harder, be braver, than I have. To wake up with all that is dear, close to me with no distance.

I am ready to pray and have faith. To truly do andbe the best I can. To do all that I can, with faith and singleness of heart. I am ready to be love, wholey, and give myself to the delight of discovering life, and all it’s entrappings. Ready to stay up late reading, curled up on the couch, not wanting to to leave the story. Ready to write pages upon pages of all that is in the story of me.

Ready to have Grace. That’s the hard one. Ready to keep with the 4 agreements, not taking it personally, knowing the reaction is more about them.

And I am ready to live.

To BE

I have not been writing much lately. It seems that writing has taken a back seat to living. Many things that are on the horizon. And now that the season has changed, it is time to get moving again. So many things to do, and much more to be let go of. And what is the purpose of hanging on, I wonder? Why do we slow our own forward progression with the nostalgic haze of what was or what we thought it would be?

Our past is what forms us into the person we are meant to be, but we must still learn the art of letting go and moving forward. Of making sure there is enough room in our hearts for all the future holds and is promising.

And therein lies the balance: To hold onto just enough, but still let go so we are not stagnant, or afraid, or bitter. I am looking forward to putting this entire chapter behind me. And while I love and adore my sister for her letting my stay at her place while I am displaced, I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed, and not a couch. I look oh so forward to stretching out and taking up the entire king size bed just because I can.  Of  being in my own space again. And although she has been very gracious, I am sire it is hard living with a klutz in the house.

This month has been a hard one for me, discovering the mold in the house, moving out, ,living  with my sister, looking for another place to live as the legal plays out however it will. So many hopes and dreams attached. But what is life if it is not fluid? And we must be adaptable to change, as hard and as difficult as it may seem. I once heard it said that confusion can be a good thing – because it resets everything. And when the dust settles, and you have weathered the storm and found your way, you realize you are in a much better place than you were. That is my hope.

And so as the chill of the Fall sets in, the change of season is clear. It is time to let go, move forward onto the next chapter, the next place, the next everything that is waiting for my life to be. And it is scary. But life is scary and that is where our faith comes. It is a leap of faith I take now, jumping from one old life to another.

So I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and

Jump. (or fall sometimes in my case)

And I am ready for all of what this new season will bring. I am ready to be outside, in the woods, windows open, listening to the crackle of a fire. Ready for meetings with friends, catching up with those I have not seen in years, sharing wine, and laughter and stories. Ready for the crisp air of fall to meet my cheeks in the morning. I am ready to get back into exercise, ready to feel the burn in my thighs as I push my body farther than it wants to go, past the point of quitting. I am ready for all of it, as I slowly walk forward, trying to find footing along the road. And as I look down, I see fragment of my life from the past 6 months, and pieces of my hear strewn about like littler. And I decide to leave the garbage behind, I am lighter ad better without it. I look for familiar faces and hearts of those I love and they do not disappoint.

Yes, the past can make our lives rich. But with the future of the season, I am ready to BE.

Pain into Power

I think you need to go through some stuff to really appreciate life and understand what it means to persevere, overcome and have faith. I think those tough times make you a stronger person. – Judith Hill

We all go through hard times, struggles that push us to our limits and test what we are made of. Events that break our hearts, make us weary and so so tired. As we struggle to make things right in our lives, with jobs, love, family, friends, love and over and over.

What keeps us going, what drives us to succeed anyway? I truly don’t know. I think sometimes it’s just sheer determination. Finding your voice, your strength and refusing to give up even when it’s easier. Digging your heels in, being stubborn and simply refusing to be beaten.

Oh, no one told us life would get this hard. Cinderella never lived in these times. Turned inward is bitterness and anger. But turned out, you can use it to rise above, to reach deep down inside and pull yourself up with the strength of steel.

Harness the power of the pain and use it to grow, to succeed, to make it and finally to explode and light the world on fire with your strength and passion. Let the naysayers watch as you light up the path for them to follow, if they are brave enough.

But it’s hard when you’ve been fighting for so long. But that is what makes us great, our Will, our ingenuity, and the power of the human spirit to persevere, despite the odds. We just need to tap into it just a little bit longer.

And that is the key, I think. Is knowing, deep down, where even the light not dare go , to that place that is only yours and God’s. And you know, deep down there, that it truly does not matter where you come from, or how long or high the struggle. Because it is only temporary. It won’t be like this 10 years from now, five years from now, one year from now, even one month from now.

And you can persevere. Forget the odds, don’t listen to what all of them are saying. You listen to your gut, to God, and you trust in yourself and in Faith. And you know that you have a steel frame, a steel heart that beats strength into your body.

And you take it one day at a time, on baby step at a time. And soon you will be able to look back and see how far, how many, many miles you have walked. How you turned that pain into power. One step, one heartbeat at a time.

And that is how a superhero learns to fly.

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. – Christopher Reeve

Summer Slow Down

As the last leg of summer starts to wind down, I look forward to the coming season, but nor before enjoying the rest of what summer has to offer. Right now kids are back in school, daylight still lasts until pretty late, evenings are still warm with gentle breezes and the days are still hot enough to enjoy the pool.

It should be a time of slowing down, yet for me it is not.  Yes, I will take my time to complete the tasks at hand, but there is still much to do. In addition to the work on the house, which I have been told by other homeowners will never be completely complete, there are books to read, movies to watch, meals to cook, wine to drink, and memories to make. There are thoughts to be written and recorded, songs that I want to listen to, loud. And my piano that needs to be picked up, played; touching, caressing the keys for the first time in over 20 years, sitting in my home. That sweet piano, where if I listen close enough, I will hear my heartbeat.

I want to take road trips with the windows down, radio up, hair in the wind…maybe even barefoot. There are trails to be hiked, picnics to eat and sunshine to enjoy.  I also want to start prayer meditation to help discover inner Peace and Grace. Then there is all the exercise…running again, Pilates and weights and boxing. Pushing my body and my goals beyond.

There is the beautiful house which I need to make a home. A home has soul, and that takes time, moments, thoughts and love. To have friends and family over, learn how to cook on the grill. I wonder how many things I will burn?

With all these things to do as the summer turns and the season starts to change, I am not going out much these days. Something that a friend recently made mention of – that is not the Ada he knew.  But my life is not out there, it is in here, this place, my circle of friends, the loves of my life. It is in finding curiosity and wonder. It is in trusting others and my search.

So in these last days of summer, I smile as the sun sets and a breeze blows the hair across my sun kissed cheek. A life is always under construction, our stories are always being written, we are always seeking, reaching and defining. And I close my eyes and jump in.

The Eve

It is this night, this eve, this moment in time, after which my life will not ever be the same. And on this is eve, there is excitement, fear, happiness and calm. There are lists of things that need to be done, and the desire to just relax and enjoy the fireflies.

It is this eve that marks a new time, a new chapter and new life going forward.  It is an eve to treasure each. and. every. moment. Because this is the last eve that everything will be the same.

And after this eve, I will look back at tonight, and all those that came before, and be thankful for it all, the good and the bad.

And so it, on this eve.

Fireflies Dance

In adulthood, there are very few things that are still magic, that still capture our imagination and remind us of childhood and the time when you could still fly to the moon on your bike.  One of those things for me are fireflies. Since I was a child, these magic little bugs seemed to come from the mythic places of legends; where dragons, fairies and mermaids lived. They were left over from king Author’s gardens, somewhere between Narnia and Neverland, and everywhere magic and mystery lived.

And yet here they were, these fireflies, in the yard flashing their magic beauty.  Yes I was fascinated by them as a child.

I remember the first time I really saw them. I was at my grandmother’s house and maybe about six or seven. And they were everywhere, hundreds of them.  My grandmother asked if I wanted to capture them in a jar, but I decided not to after find thing out that they would die if kept in the jar. I wanted them free, out in the fresh air.

When I lived in Ohio many years ago, I would see them in the woods next to the apartment complex  where I lived. My then boyfriend and I would sit on the fence, watching them dance in the evening air, like little diamonds flashing on the horizon when it finally got dark.

And just a few nights ago. I saw a tiny flash out of the corner of my eye. My heart skipped a beat – it is the right time of the year…I stopped what I was doing and ran to the back yard window. And there they were, dancing and sparkling in the night sky. A little army of fireflies, my little army of magic. And I had to stand and watch them, as they performed their nightly ritual, with a grin on my face from ear to ear.

It’s truly the little things in life. And you must always take the time to stop and notice, listen and see. For the little things are what makes life worth it, what makes the bad bearable and the good even better.

And now every night, I take the time to notice these little miracles, that seem to dance just for me, putting on  a private show in my back yard.  And just for a few moments, I am taken away from all the troubles and thoughts. And I just smile. If these little bugs can light up the night sky, certainly I can raise above and shine bright as well.

 

Of Firsts

In our life we all have a lists of firsts – first dates, first kisses, first job…this next month is going to be about several firsts for me. This weekend, my parents are coming up for their first visit to see my first house. Next month I am going to have my first visit with one of my sisters that I am getting to know (I am the youngest of five) and in about a month, there will be some first moments with someone very special who has re-entered into my life.

The great things about firsts is that they exciting. Filled with promise, hope and excitement of the unknown. My Mom and I have been talking and planning this first visit since I first moved into the house. We have so much do together in this new place. She has a green thumb and she is bringing plants and flowers to help me with my gardens and figuring out the landscape of my first yard. There are many conversations to be had, much wine and coffee to drink together.

And I can’t wait for Dad to see my new place. I have a to do list all set up of small projects we can do together while he is here; connecting the water line to the refrigerator, putting up shelves and such. I love working with my Dad. We used to work on small projects with my car, like changing out the break pads. But this is different, this is the first time we will be able to work on projects for my house. There is something wonderful about that, to have those memories of working with him. It’s part of what will make this house a home.

Family means so much to me, and with everything imploding with my closest sister and my parents health not being that good, I released that there were other members of my family that I want to know. The visit with one of my oldest sisters is beyond exciting and there are few words to express the emotions attached. There is so much curiosity and I only wish there was more time to get to know her. I wonder why I waited so long. I should have done this a lot sooner.

And then there is Love. There is another chance, a new chance with someone trusted, known and who knows me, down to my bones. So many years, and yet, the core is still the same. The first time at a second chance. And when we are in the same space, there is a sense of calm, a sense of comfort, a place where I can relax. And in my head I hear what so many have said for years: “There is no need to look. You already know him. He is already there.” I have often said when so many say the same thing, chances are it is true.

And so it is, this season of firsts. As the days get hotter and longer, the air is thick with the promise of the unknown and to move into this season with my parents, sibling and loved one is truly amazing. I knew that 2014 would be a new year of new things, and that the wheels would starting turning once I got into the new house. And indeed all the love I wanted in my life is here and all the dreams are coming to fruition. There is Peace, there is happines, there is a great life right in front of me.

Overwhelmed

All of us, as some point, feel overwhelmed.  The To Do list seems to laugh at us, as we feebly try to cross things off. And it grows, and grows, like Kudzu during a hot a wet summer, taking over our lives. Until we release it;s time to get a machete and cut that list back. <Maybe even burn it. Wouldn’t that feel good?

The only way I know to get through being overwhelmed, which is how I have felt since buying the house, is to just put your head down and work through it.  And just like walking a tightrope – don’t look down. Just keep plugging along, don’t worry about how much you have to do, how for you have to go, or what you have already done.

And I have felt oh so over whelmed. Moving into a huge new house, myself. Working like crazy and not having any time to finish unpacking, looking around and mentally going through the ever-growing to do list. Dealing with the leaky skylight and the fact that Friday, water was dripping from the skylight, the ceiling and all down my walls. I just had a moment and just cried as I looked at all the water, though I am pretty sure more was rolling down my cheek than down the wall.

I felt defeated, overwhelmed, and just a mess.

The funny ting is that somehow, the shape of my house seems to reflect how I feel about the shape of my internal self right now. As  my house was/is a mess, so am I. . My house is not fully unpacked, I have trouble finding things, there are boxes everywhere and nothing looks put together. And that pretty much sums up how I have been feeling – very not put together.

A year of not taking care of myself has taken it’s toll, as I try to squeeze into a pair of my favorite jeans. They obviously shrunk in the dryer.

So I took this weekend off to put my house together, to get unpacked, organized, do things like set up my guest bathrooms, finish unpacking my my office, getting the guest rooms set up and cleaning out the garage. To dust, disinfect, sweep and mop…and even to plant a few flowers in the yard. I have politely turned down many invitations so I can get things in order, so I can stop feeling overwhelmed and start feeling put together. And sometimes you just have to do that – take time for regular maintenance and eradicate that To Do list. Sometimes in all the rush duplicity of life, you have to slow down, take a breath and un-overwhelm yourself.

And now, I look at and see that while there is still work to be done,  I will be just fine. The house is slowly getting put together and organized, as am I, deep down in my soul. And deep down, as I lay down to sleep after a full day, my soul feels just a little more at Peace. This Lenten Season has not been as Spiritual as i had wanted, due to working so much and being exhausted. But it’s never too late to pick up where you left off. And no doubt, the rest, putting my head down and working hard, and prayer, and that to do list, both for myself and the house, will be completed before I know it.

 

Thge Last Born

While surfing the net, waiting to be able to test out website again, I happened upon an article that talked about how birth order affected your relationships.  I am the youngest of 5 and they got me all wrong in this.

Lastborns: Ah, the little sibs of the family. Beloved, treasured, and in many cases babied for much longer than their older siblings (and often by their older siblings), the stereotypical youngest of the brood tends to be less responsible and more devil-may-care, with less of a hankering to take charge. “That can be different if the baby of the family came after a gap of more than a few years, though,” says Dr. Salmon. In that case, the baby of the family may act more like an only child or an older sibling—as though the family had started all over again.

For the baby of the family, I have a lot of the responsibility…I am more like the oldest.  I have always taken care of my nephews, even paying for my oldest nephews college. I last year I worked and supported all of Rita’s family. My parents also depend on me for a lot. I have never been spoiled, any more than the other kids in the family. My parents were much more strict on my than any of my siblings (I had a curfew and had to tell them everyone I was with, everything that we were doing and everywhere we were going).

Rita (older sister) has always gotten everything (several cars, a house, lots of money, etc) because she always had the kids, so I was pretty much on my own. Whatever it was, I heard “Well, it’s just you, so it’s not as hard, but Rita has a boys, so she needs more.” Which I suppose is true.

I am a risk taker though, but it’s always calculated. Most of the time the risks pay off, but not always. I am a free spirit, but a responsible one (yes, it can happen). I was the first one to get a tattoo, the first one to really move away, I have always been the most independent, always the one who traveled. I have always been the one who spoke my mind, set things right, told the truth and did what needed to be done, regardless of what anyone else thought. Everything I have done, all that I have, I have done it on my own.

All my older siblings come to me when they need to get in touch with the others, they all call me when they need to find out information about what is going on. I often seem to find myself in charge, yet I have no desire to be, as others would be much better at it.

And no one takes care of me, I take care of myself, always have. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone take care of me for a bit. But then I quickly banish that thought from my mind.

Moral of the story: Sometimes birth order has nothing to do with it. Sometimes it’s just who you are. And sometimes, who you are cannot be contained, quantified or categorized.

Thank You Vegas

We all have those times were we feel as if we are climbing out of a big dark pit. And we all have that moment where we realize we can finally feel the sun on our faces and have managed to climb out. This recently happened to me, when I took a trip to a place called Las Vegas.

While I can’t really say that I came back rested (it was Vegas after all), but there was much more peace when the plane landed, than when it took off. Sometimes, just having the chance to step away, gain some distance and perspective is the key. Sometimes, just being able to relax and not be surrounded and submerged in all that was is enough to wake us up.

For me it was a combination of all of that, and the company I was with. First, it’s hard not to have a great time in Vegas, it’s just a fun place to be. My friend and I have traveled together before, and we always have a good time together. Even though we had not seen each other in a few years, we seemed to fall into our easy rhythm within a few minutes. There is something very comfortable with him, and he is one of the few people I trust. I feel safe. Maybe it’s his gentle, unassuming way of things.

After the past few months, it was wonderful to just be. To laugh, explore, gamble a bit (am am terrible at gambling, unless it’s with fake money), drink a bit, enjoy some food and people watch. There was a show Cirque De Solie (I know that it’s misspelled and I’ll care after the next cup of coffee), front row seats. You really get to see great detail when sitting that close, and as a stage and theater junkie, I loved it.

Hoover Dam was next and that was fascinating. When you see the enormity of it, of what they did and how they did it, without any of the modern technology, the risks they took and how well done it was, you feel really proud. I felt proud of your country, of the men who worked on it, and the ingenuity and vision it took to make it happen. Wow. And it was just cool. We walked across it, on a beautiful day with clear blue skies. I felt free, for the first time in a long time. If those men could do all of that, then my life can be just as magnificent.

Then there was downtown Vegas, which is different from the Strip. It feels more like a fair than anything else, with the scent of food from the street vendors, people walking around in costume (You take their pictures for tips, lots of people, loud 80’s rock music and a laser light show on the outdoor ceiling. I love the Golden Nugget Casino and the buffet there is quite yummy.

Upon return I felt lighter, albeit tired, but much happier. I just needed a little trip to bring me back to life, so to speak. To remind me that life is to be enjoyed. The past year is over, all those struggles are done, my tasks are complete. Now I move forward building my life, my own Hoover Dam.

Work hard, play harder, love completely, and laugh often. So thank you to my friend, for inviting out to play, thank you Vegas for being such a gracious host and playground, and thank you life.

A Little Look Back

In this world of rush, hurry up and wait, slam it down, cram it in, do it now, bigger is better and faster is best, we get a little rough at the edges. Sometimes we need to take a breath, cherish our memories and just slow down a bit.

This past weekend was that for me. Ever busy, ever checking things off the “to do” list, I took the time to slow down and meet with a dear friend I had not seen in many years. There was catching up, talking, laughing, a little crying, lots of memories and some confessions.

And as I sat there with my friend, I remembered the Me of days past. It reminded me of how both of us had grown and changed in good and bad ways. I saw how in the years I had softened on some things, hardened on others. And it is always comforting to be around someone who knows you, has known you, through all the pretty and ugly. Who knows the truth of you and your history.

Funny thing is that since that visit I have felt more myself than I have in a long time. More confident, happier, lighter and more settled, with just that little reminder, that little look back. Sometimes taking a look over your shoulder is the best thing you can do when figuring out the future.

And sometimes it is also conducive to keeping us grounded in this world where it is so easy to get off track in the rush to fit it all in. Just that gentle visit to say- these things, don’t change, they are great qualities. Because no matter how much time has passed, we always remain, at the heart of it, who we are. We always return to what we know, what is in our bones. Even if we forget, it is never too late to remember.

What is that for me? One word: Truth. No matter what happens in life, if I know the truth, then I can deal with it. Truth is concrete, trustworthy, solid. You can build on truth, it won’t crumble. We get into trouble when the foundation upon what we have built is quicksand. I’ve been caught in that before too, and it’s not pleasant. It’s hard to be settled when the ground underneath is shifting. And we struggle to find footing.

Then we take a little look back. And sometimes, that is where we can find the best footing – To where the to where the truth was and build from there. And that is what I will do – build my life on that solid and fertile ground now that all the untruths have been weeded out. No matter how confusing life can get, a little look back, a lot of prayer and faith, you can find the guidance you need…and make the leap to where your future is waiting. In this life, right now, it’s the new house, my job and career, new chances, new possibilities and… Me.

Hello future, nice to meet you. I have a feeling this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.

The Turture Store

Technical skill comes easy for some, others, like me, have to work at it. I love technology, work in the industry, and can make the internet sing. However, some of the more basic hardware issues, like which cord, adaptor, plug-in thingy (yes, that is the proper technical term, at least in my dictionary) works with what, is beyond my capabilities.

I love computer gadgets and power tools, I just don’t know how to use them. I go to the tool section of the hardware store and my mind just whizzes with all of the possibilities…it’s like going into a magic store. These things make other things work.  OOoooooooo, ahhhhhhhhh……

Don’t get me wrong …I can change my own oil, change my own brake pads, calipers, spark plugs (when I had a car that actually had them), change and even rotate my tires, and a few minor tasks like that. I can paint a wall, use a big monkey wrench to take apart the pipe thingy under the bathroom sing to fish out a lost contact lens (not that that has actually happened…just hypothetically speaking). I even changed out the plug on my dryer, hooking up the red, green and red wires….

But don’t ask me to change to ringtone on my iPhone, or set up my wireless router, or get my TV to connect to my wireless network…Or, know which connector/chord/adapter thingy is required to tether my two monitors together at work. It is simple, I was told…just get this one kind of adapter…

Apparently it is hard for the guys at the computer store too…because I now have to go back for the third time to get the right connector/cord/adapter thingy. I hate going into computer stores because most of what’s in there looks like ancient torture devices.  I start getting dizzy, can’t breath…I think I may be allergic.

The first thingy was a DVI-A, when I needed a DVD-D. Except the store doesn’t carry those. OK, could I connect one through the port and one through a USB? Yes!  This made me very happy…until found out that the USB<->D89 adapter is the wrong one.  Again.

So, I am actually going to carry the cords that the two monitors would be connected with if they went that way…and maybe that will be easier…And hopefully my next trip to the torture device, eerrrr, I mean, Computer store, will be the last one for this task.

Vegas Baby

There are some cities that are just made for play. Las Vegas is one of those cities. I have not been in several years; I was there six days and might have slept five hours. There was much play, lots of adventure, laughter, some surprises, some gambling, lots of shows  and lots of drinks. It was a great vacation.

One of the things that I always think about when in Vegas, is just how many dreams are out there. Many people go to Vegas to find their dreams, just like LA. How many young people head out west, leaving the small towns, to head to find their lives, their loves, their dreams?

There is nothing stronger than a dream. Nothing stronger than that wanderlust of what lies beyond that next hill. The dream is what we will work hard for, live for, sacrifice for and believe in. Whether that is to go to Vegas, to have a house, to be a star, to have a family, to be a painter, a business owner, a writer, a singer…whatever. Because the dream is in essence, the Human Spirit. And nothing can triumph over that, because it is God given.

The dream is what gets us up out of bed, and gives us hope, even when life is tough and knocks us down. We get back up and start over if we have to. And even when our dreams change, we still must follow them. We have no choice, because it is the promise of who we are, and who we can become. OF what we can pass down to our children as our legacy. It is our love, blood, sweat, tears, hopes, dreams. It is what we pull up from deep inside. We hollow ourselves out so we can carry what we need to get us there. And we believe.

I never wanted to be a writer, but slowly, as the roads on which I traveled twisted and turned, my dream took shape. Many said it could not be done, many said I was silly, crazy, stupid. I didn’t listen to them, because I knew they were wrong. Someone has be  the writer, why not me?

My dream while in Vegas? To eat, drink, be merry and relax by the pool. It’s time for this girl to have a vacation. I have a lot to celebrate.

Settling In

It’s very interesting getting settled into a new house. I have moved many times before, but this is different, because this space is legally mine. I am the one solely responsible for it’s care and upkeep. That is thrilling, and a little scary.

Getting settled in a new house is a process, as you and the new space get to know each other. Little things, noises and surprises along the way. Like noticing the beautiful carving on the ceiling at the base of the light fixture in the library. So detailed. And the creaky stair on the way to the bedroom. There are plants in the yard that are starting to grow an bloom, ones I never saw before because they were dormant for winter.

Finding out where all the light switches are and what they control. Finding the outlets, where you need an extension chord, and where you need to move the electronics. Does my ice makeer work? Is it hooked up? The doorbell? Need a new one. And then there is the skylight that leaks and the space next to the wall were the roof seems to leak and well. That needs to get taken care of right away.

And unpacking, figuring where all those things should go. This past weekend the job was to unpack all of my closet – the clothes, shoes, jackets, purses and accessories. Going through all of it, what to keep and what to give away. Those old favorite jeans…that I will never again fit into, unless I get seriously ill and loose, ummmm, a lot of weight.  I think I wore those in high school.

And there is something cathartic about unpacking and settling in. It is claiming your space, nsting and setting things exactly as you want them. Your favorite things by the bed, within easy reach. And your desk the way you want it. The closet, as organized or not as you like. A house, a space that is just yours, just for you. As you like it.

And that’s just the outside! I haven’t even ventures out to the yard yet, and there is so much to do with it. So many places to put flowers and fruit trees to share. I need to get a yard man and a pool guy.

My parents are coming up to help and this is exciting. Mom to help with decorating and planting all the flowers. Dad to help with all the little to do’s and questions. Never underestimate the wonderfulness of parents coming to help with the first house.

And the settling in begins, and unfolds as Ladybug Manor and I become more acquainted. I wonder about the memories that will be made here. All the friends, laughter, wine to be shared, love to be had, tears, good times and security. And a house, those four walls, begins to become a home.

Home Ownership 101

We all have experiences that teach us a lot. And I am going to learn a tremendous amount by being a home. The whole process has been quite an eye opening experience, from dealing with the “haters,” to dealing with a difficult closing (the investors had not discussed how the proceeds from the sale would be divided, and argued about it – at the closing), to the fine art of moving items up stairs. I have been in the house less than a week, and have learned a lot already. Like what, you ask?

Well, like how to fix my own dryer. My dryer had a four –pronged plug, the outlet had three. So this little girl broke out the tool box and re-wire the new plug onto the old dryer. Being a non-mechanical klutz, I was very proud of myself for doing this successfully. I can now dry clothes till my hearts content!

And then I managed to figure out my wireless router and how to get the network back up. Yes, me, who can barely work my iPhone, got the wireless network up, though I am not sure exactly how I did it.

Then there is planting trees. Yes, I have planted a small tree or two on the property…proof that I can indeed use a shovel (no one has found any of the bodies yet, so the tree is proof). The fine art of breaking down boxes is also something very important to learn as well. Tomorrow I learn about how to install a top security system, even better than the one I had. I am also learning about installing TV’s on the wall. I have learned the importance of being able to do these things yourself, because living in one of the worst traffic jam areas in the country, my wonderful guy friends may not always be able to make it to the house.  And it is nice to have friends over when it is just to visit. I have learned that I am very loved and so many are willing to help and to celebrate.

As is meeting the neighbors – how to do it, when to do it and what to say. This may sound very simple and basic – it’s just meeting people. But it is a little more than that when you are a single girl, and requires a bit if finesse. You have to make sure you are friendly, but not too friendly – you want the wives to like you. The kind of girl they want to introduce you to their cute single friend…not the kind of girl they have to keep away from their husbands.

I have learned that I am in a wonderful family neighborhood, where the kids still ride their bikes and climb trees, where the parents play catch in the front yard, and where people know each other. I have learned that this is where I want to be living, because these are my kind of people. And if I have learned that much, and it hasn’t even been a week, imagine how much more I will learn in time.

Never stop learning, growing, experiencing and being curious. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. Always look around and find the next thing to do, see, learn. Life is so big, and I cannot wait!

The Shoulders of Giants

No man is an island. No matter who we are, where we come from, what we do , how successful we are or where we go in life, we could not do it with the help of others.

So to all those who have helped, who have prayed, who have cried with me, who have listen to me, who have carried heavy things. To all those who have made the load lighter, who have lent their hearts, picked up the phone, been there, done that, cheered me on, celebrated the highs and felt the heartbreak over the lows. All those who have sung with me in the rain, helped me relax, shared a glass of wine, discussed dreams, reflected on mistakes, planned the future, smiled at the past. For all of my friends…certainly this week reflects a lot of work and dreams that will finally come to fruition.

So many people have supported me, believed in me, encouraged me and been there for me. My wonderful friends and family. They have let me rest in their safety, and given me the kick in the pants when needed as well. Through it all, they, you, have been my heart and strength. My Faith and will at the center, I have been helped by many.

So much planning, working, dreaming, preparing, manifesting and doing. And finally, it is all coming together; in my personal, professional and writing life. And so for all the good things that are coming, thank you so much. I am here because I have worked, believed, had faith… stood on the shoulders of giants.

The Peace in the Quiet

We often wish we had some time, just some time to slow down and be quiet. To not rush, have a thousand things to do, what if we could just find the time? And now I have it. I am leisurely hanging out, reading, watching movies and writing. Fact is, this break between the old place and the new is a blessing.

This time has forced me to slow down, take a breath, appreciate and catch up. There is enjoying guilty pleasures like writing, catching up on reading blogs, doing exercises I don’t normally have time to do, cook a few favorite things and just enjoying the slow.

It is the Peace in the quiet. And it is delicious. For someone who is normally feel speed ahead, being in the slow lane is wonderful. Indeed it is the calm before the storm before moving and settling into the new place. That will be a bit of work, and excitement. A new chapter in my life and one I have been working toward for a long time…

But now it is time to relax and enjoy the Peace in the quiet. To rest before the next burst of energy comes. and so it goes. and I am happy.