Seven Year Stretch

HI Daddy,

It’s been 7 years tomorrow. I can’t believe it’s been that long. I miss you so much. But I know that you are happily dancing with Mom. So many things have changed since you left. And I wonder would you recognize me now? I am not the same person I was when you died. I know you guys were there are the wedding looking down at me.

So tomorrow, I’m going to eat some boiled peanuts and maybe have a beer in your honor. And I’ll think about my favorite memories of you. Like your first nickname for me. And when you read me bedtime stories. And when you taught me how to rotate my tires, change the oil, and break pads. And when we worked on my car together in the rain. When we went fishing. That time you caught me sneaking in at 3am, and laughing when I told you why. And all those one-liners that made everyone laugh. And when you made such a big deal out of me giving you socks. And the time you tried to teach me to drive.

I am so blessed you were my Dad and you were the best Dad in the world. I miss you and will love you forever. Say hello to Mom for me.

Love you. PJ

Counterinitiative Movements

It was July 2005, and I was crying on the phone with my mother. The relationship I was in had long come to an end and I was trying to figure out how best to return home to the South. We had both tried as hard as we could, and it just hadn’t worked. We met when I was 14, dated from 16-18, then parted ways as teenagers do. We reconnected 13 years later, convinced that we were the loves of each others lives. We couldn’t have been more wrong.

I was feeling like such a failure, just absolutely worthless. If I couldn’t make it with my high school sweetheart, the man who had loved me since I was 14, I was clearly a failure and couldn’t do anything right. That made me question every decision I had ever made, and question my own ability to navigate life.

Sound dramatic? It’s not really. As humans none of us are immune to failure, or feeling worthless, whether it’s actually true or not. And nothing will make you feel like you failed more than that relationship that was supposed to last forever, with the person who was supposed to love you forever.

And so I was trying to do something right…which meant planning my move back home. No one was going to be able to call me irresponsible, because I was going to have ALL of my ducks in a row. They were going to be perfectly in line and in step. Feeling like a failure in the relationship only magnified my need to show that I actually could do this responsibly, because I felt I had to show everyone I wasn’t a complete loser.

I would make sure to have a good amount of savings, not only for the move, but for anything that might be needed. I was going to have a job lined up, so I all I had to do was walk in on my first day. And I was already going to have a place to live picked out. My car was going to get a tune up, and everything would be nicely and neatly packed. The move would be organized and orderly. I would also wait until I was at in good place at work so I had good references, and maybe could transfer. Because that’s what responsible people who weren’t worthless failures did, right?

And then life would happen…and every time I had a little saved up, my car would need something, or a there was a medical bill, or a vet bill. or something. Always, Came. Up. And it was beyond frustrating and made me feel even more like a failure. Forget loser…I was way beyond that…I failed at the relationship, failed as a girlfriend, and then, to top it off, I couldn’t even try to leave responsibly because I failed at saving money. Then work laid me off, and my part time jobs weren’t paying enough for bills and a lot of savings. And I felt like I failed again. My inner monologue was awful, and the way I talked to myself was terrible too.

Thus the call with my Mom. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself, discouraged that nothing I tried was working, and exhausted from all the work of trying to be responsible and get everything in line. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, failure seemed to find me. There was no hiding from it. And I had to be responsible, because that was the one thing I could control.

And my mother said something that cut through all of the noise, and resonated so far deep within that the vibration of her statement nearly knocked me off my feet. Not only for it’s simplicity, but for it’s boldness.

“Just Leave.”

“What?”

“Just leave. You can figure out all of that stuff after you get here, you don’t have to figure it all out now. So just leave leave. We’ll help you with the rest.”

“Mom, I can’t leave, that’s ridiculous. I mean, I have to be responsible. … Don’t I? I have to have everything in line and totally planned out. Don’t I? That’s what responsible people do, and I am responsible. I don’t want you to think that I’m not.”

“No you don’t. You don’t have to be or do anything, but just leave. So do it. Just. Leave. And come home.”

And there it was. Right in the open. Out loud. And it washed over me, over my soul, like nothing ever had. Even though it sounded so counterintuitive, so counterproductive, so irresponsible and so…wrong. It was simple, and brilliant, and true, and Right. In that moment I give myself permission to Just Leave. No planning, no savings, no waiting to be in a great place at work….

And I packed up and left the next month. And what seemed like the worst thing, the most irresponsible thing, was actually the best. And it freed both my ex and I to move on from our brokenness and heal. And oddly enough, in just leaving, I found my confidence to realize that I was not a failure, nor was I worthless – Because I left, and had people who loved me waiting on me to get home. And slowly, I realized that no matter what, I had worth and value. All of that because I left. Because I wanted a new start more than I wanted to settle for not having things in line.

Life is short, and sometimes the most counterintuitive things are actually the best things and the best decisions that you can make. Because if I had stayed until everything lined up, I would have been there for years. I would have been trapped in an unhappy, unhealthy situation, and in turn, so would have my ex. By leaving I freed both is us, and that was the most responsible choice. Why couldn’t I see that? Sometimes when you are in the weeds of a situation, just can’t see above it. And that is where I was. I needed the wit and wisdom of someone else who could see the forest, weeds and all, to help pull me out of the situation.

And oddly enough, after I left, things did fall into place. I did find a job, and place to live, and had savings soon after. I stayed at my Mom’s for a week to decompress, then slept on a friends couch for three weeks while I searched for a job in Atlanta. And it all worked out.

And it will for you too.

A Stay with an Open Heart

My father-in-law had open heart surgery recently, and it has been an up an down adventure of everything related to hospitals, healing, and emotions. While it is wonderful that he is at the best place in the world, the place where the artificial heart was invented, it still doesn’t take away the sting of seeing your parent, (or parent in law) weak, sick, confused, and frustrated at the limitations of his own body and what it can and cannot do at the moment. It’s hard to see parents vulnerable, or even scared, when all you always seen them as strong.

And it reminds me of show scary it was seeing my own parents that way – the incredible gravity of when they are confused and look at you like a child, looking for answers or approval. Even if that moment only happens once, and only for a few seconds, it is something that is burned into your psyche forever.

And so it has been, not much sleep, lots of worry, and even more prayer. So it has been, having faith in the doctors, in the healing process, in the nurses, in medicine, in prayer, and in God.

Life is short, even fleeting some might say. And days like this distills life with crystal clear precision. It makes priorities come to the surface because you don’t have time for anything else. Times like this show you truly, with tunnel vision, what you value, and on what you are willing to spend the few spare moments each day, before you fall asleep for a few hours from sheer exhaustion of the circumstance. Don’t forget when the dust settles and you are back to life as normal – those things that were most important and too priority.

Fill your life with those things, when the dust settles. I think we get so bugged down in the unimportant – the he said/she said, the social media posts, the #instalife ready, the Tiktoks, the appearances, the minutia of our daily lives… that sometimes it takes a jolt like this to realign us. Sometimes it takes a short stay to open our hearts to what we should be paying attention to. So when you realize what those important things are, fill your life with them. Not the irrelevant extraneous crap. Because that stuff? IT leaves you empty and craving for deeper, more meaningful connections. So make time for those important things, the things that when you only have a few moments, you knew were so important, that they were right at the top. That is the way to live and and love for a lifetime.

As the Page turns

It seems that I have been absent here as of late. There has been much to do with work and clients and life, and the house, and travel and family responsibilities, and mergers and acquisitions, and contracts, and that growing to do list and…Life. I guess that’s how it goes sometimes too doesn’t it? We get so busy in our lives that we don’t have to to be in our lives. Indeed that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. And it shows. I never thought that I wouldn’t have time to write, as writing is at my very soul and is how I process many things in this daily life. Whether it’s scribbling things down in my handwritten journal, or my planner, or here on this medium, it’s where I always reflect.

And when I don’t have time for whatever reason I just feel…creatively constipated. And because I haven’t had time to write for myself, my professional writing has suffered as well I think. And as a professional writer that is not good at all. And isn’t it strange, how it is all connected? The creative and the technical, the professional and the personal?

And I think it goes beyond the normal self care routine of making sure you get plenty of rest, drink plenty of water, exercise, and get some sunshine. You also have to take care of what makes you feel good, what helps you be creative, or gives you purpose beyond you job. Because it’s all connected. and of you don’t pay attention to one, the other will suffer.

Why is that? I’m not entirely sure, except that it helps us to be a more rounded person. And maybe that is where the term work hard, play hard comes in. And it feels like I have just been grinding away at life, too busy and smell anything, much less roses. I feel a big B creeping in…Burnout. Oh, and that is a nasty word isn’t it? And it sounds as bad as it is: BURN OUT.

It hurts to just look at the word. So maybe when we feel that sensation creeping up on us, maybe that is a signal to take the Burnout by the horns, flip it around by slowing down, and by doing so, showing it the door to get out. Which brings me to my current station. Here. Writing, outside, under a cloudy Texas sky, with a glass of water and a tumbler of bourbon.

And what of discipline? Oh, that’s in there too, don’t think all the fluffy talks excludes it. But maybe we are going about it all wrong. Yes, we need to have a lot of discipline in order to accomplish the things that we want – and we must be comfortable being uncomfortable. But maybe we also need to be disciplined in doing what keeps us motivated, what keeps us with a clear mind, and what keeps us healthy. Because if we don’t, who will? With all the layoffs, Corporate America isn’t going to tell us to take a breath, or a break, or a walk around the block to clear our minds and get our circulation going a bit.

So maybe that is one of the secrets to being better at work and life, is being disciplined and dedicated to doing the things that keep us from burn out.

Life is short, too short for burn out. So take a walk, do some jumping jacks, drink some tea, enjoy a moment outside with some fresh air. Burnout is no fun. And let’s face it , that to do list – both at work and at home isn’t going anywhere, so you’ve got the time to take care of yourself.

Hope, Love, and New Years Past

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Be grateful to God, every year you live.” - Lailah Gifty Akita

“I hope you realize that every day is a fresh start for you. That every sunrise is a new chapter in your life waiting to be written.” – Juansen Dizon

For something to begin, there must first be an ending. And that which we must ego will lead us to our wildest dreams, meaning we have to let go to make room for all the wonderful that is coming. And it is coming. And New Years is no different. So as this year comes to close, there are reflections and shadows of the past 365 days. This year that has been amazing, scary, exhilarating, frustrating, exasperating, breathtaking, and beyond my vocabulary to explain.

This year I have worn a wedding dress, my beautiful wedding dress, twice. Walked down the isle twice, once given away by family, once walking by myself. Both days were beautiful and beyond my imagination of wonderful. Both were better than anything i could dream.

And there were trips and travels, to Belize to see dear friends, to Croatia, Bonsai, and Montenegro for a honeymoon, to my hometown for my mother to be honored for the community work that she did. There were drives in the country to discover old cemeteries, to hug old friends, meet new ones, have some drinks and delicious meals.

There were conversations and giggles, hugs and smiles, whispers and plans, dreams put into play that came to fruition, and dreams that were pushed to the side. A new life was started, and we anticipate the adventures ahead. There were so many milestones this year – turning 50, a 70s themed party, our weddings, a new roof and interior repairs that was the precipice of a freshening up of the house.

And there was work, so much work. Work with new clients, new contracts, old contacts, and new dreams. Work to meet deadlines, meet people, submit answers, headcounts, decisions, and schemes. There were submissions and fights, wondering if things would get fixed, watching water pour down the walls, repairs, and victories. There were many 16-19 hour days, new contracts, clients, clothes, goals, and visions. There were also mistakes and fixes, a few tears, and many, many smiles. And so many times I was ridiculously, absolutely, totally, unfailingly, in love with my husband, whose kindness, Grace and patience inspire me every day.

And there was so much stuff to do, that it was almost overwhelming, and towards the end, we are just exhausted from everything that has happened. How can so many things happen in just 365 days? It certainly feels this last year has had at least 3 years worth of events.

So it goes, and the new year begins. As we make plans together, and our family, for the next 365 days. We wrote them all down, in our planner, so that we move together, as one, towards those accomplishments. And my heart skips a beat at spending another year with my wonderful husband. Mostly because, all because, I love you. And you loving me in return makes me the luckiest and most blessed woman in the world.

The Christmas Spirit

The holidays, where everything is a rush of hustle and bustle of get here, go there, buy this, wrap that, call them, see those, party tonight, and see you tomorrow. It can be a time of moving through life at breakneck speed, with barely enough space to catch your breath. And indeed that it what it has been this season. Oh, everything is so much fun and it truly is my favorite time of year.

But all of the running around can be quite exhausting, even if it is incredibly fun and festive. We love decorating for Christmas, and every year it grows both inside and outside. I think my hubby wants us to make the Griswold’s look like armatures. And as much as we enjoy it…this year, we are dragging our feet a little. It has been am amazing year with a huge wedding, a church wedding, two trips, a complete roof replacement, and lots of projects, we are have bene having a hard time getting off the couch. And it’s not a matter of being lazy, or not in the Christmas spirit, it’s just…we are tired.

A huge project has had me working 16-18 hour days, where taking a shower was been a major accomplishment outside of work. And my hubby has picked up the slack with everything around the house, even though his work has been demanding as well. The yard…well, between the drought, water restrictions, and our lack of time…it’s not pretty. Add roofers and big trucks to that and it’s a downright mess. Sometimes, no matter what part of the year or season it is, you just need to slow down and take a breath. Sometimes enjoying life, and the season, means taking a moment, or 5.

And then, there are the things that ground you. Especially this year, because this is the year that I officially have a family. Like many, I grew up with family being at the center of the holidays, with many traditions. All the baking, and wrapping, and laughing, and eating, and drinking, and love. And the unofficial best and most creatively wrapped present contest – which my sister is forever the hands down champion with her Rudolf wrapped gift, complete with eyes, antlers, and bright red nose. With my official family now, this year once again has taken on a joyous tone, though a subdued one.

At first, it was going to be a grand celebration in San Antonio, exploring the River Walk and enjoying the amazing lights. Then going downtown, staying at a swanky hotel was the plan, perfect for not having to cook or clean. And then, a small, quiet Christmas was what we all settled on. And it was marvelous. It was perfect.

In this world of bigger is always better, and flashy and more ostentatious is best, can we really enjoy small? YES. And we should. Because it’s not the big and flashy that grounds us. It’s the tiny fibers that we weave throughout our daily lives, the things and people that we always return to, that’s important. If you stripped away all the extraneous and irrelevant noise, what and who would be left? That’s what you need when you get right down to it and back to the basics.

And that is where this season is for us. We have those whom we love the most around us this year. Our time in this world is finite, so be careful how, and with whom, you spend your time. When someone is sharing a meal with you, put your phone down. Talk to them. Ask them questions. If they were gone tomorrow, what would you want to know today?

Life is short. So this Christmas is about what matters most – family. And so there will be laughter and love, and sharing, and merriment. It will be small and intimate, like the best things in life are. There is value in small. There is value in what isn’t in Insta, or Snap, or the social de jour is. Life is in the small, in the quiet, in the non-posted, non-seen things. Don’t forget that this season as you are giving and getting in the Christmas spirit.

Today in a Lifetime

Today is the day that I get to marry the love of my life twice, because today is the church wedding. We had the big wedding in May. He gave me my dream wedding, on a 27 acre estate that was the perfect. But more that that, I was marrying the most wonderful, patient, kind mind I have ever known.

And today, on my parent’s and grand parent’s anniversary, we walk down the isle at a wonderful cathedral, with my favorite priest, making it truly official and recognized in the church. And on this day, when I get to be the third generation married on this day, I am so very thankful that this man loves me so unconditionally. He makes every part of my life better. And he makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be better every day, for him and for our love and our marriage.

And this Thanksgiving, I will be immeasurable thankful for our lives together.

The Drama Life

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.”

-Unknown

We all know those people who have nothing but drama in their lives. They are always fighting with someone, always having some kind of bad luck, things are always happening to them, and it’s just one drama after another. Even the most calm person will have some drama in their lives, there is no way to avoid it. At some point there will be a divorce, a family squabble, or some kind of something. But for most, a drama is not a normal thing.

People who always have drama in their lives are exhausting, because they usually want to share that drama. And they usually spread it by sharing as well,, which, like the flu, is most unwelcome.

Looking back on my life, some of the most drama filled days were not caused by me, but by others. I am not someone who seeks it out – I’m too busy, and it takes too much energy to deal with it. But at a certain time there were people in my life who thrived on it. While dealing with drama exhausted me, it energized them.

I was once in a book club where one of the girls didn’t ‘t like me. She cause such a huge fuss about it, the organizer of the book club called and said “well, I guess you know all of the drama about you?’ I was shocked and said simply, “No, no one has said anything to me…what’s going going on?” That group of women were a constant cause of drama, with in fighting, gossiping about each other, and freezing each other in and out…it was a mess. And that is how they treated their friends, so I would hate to think how they treated their enemies. I didn’t last very long in that group before I had to leave. Over the years I have encountered multiple “Catty” groups of women, which I never understood. But it hasn’t been restricted to women.

I have dated men who engaged in conversations with friends, only to exploit both sides to cause issues. Men who enjoyed stirring the pot, one who even tried to pit his ex-wife and I against each other. Men who enjoyed orchestrating misunderstandings and miscommunications. They seemed to see themselves as a mastermind of negative situations, as it made them feel like they had control.

I have also known women who constantly found themselves in dramatic situations over and over again but refused to do anything about it. Or those who kept making the same mistakes and creating the same drama over and over again. I had one friend for many years who dated to same kind of abusive men, many criminals and drug dealers, a few of them who beat her and put her in the hospital. She would call and cry, then go back to him. One of the last times was when my father was still alive, but going downhill fast with end stage liver cancer. I just had to walk away because here was my father, who was doing everything to stay alive longer, and then there she was, doing everything to mess up her life while refusing to do anything to fix it. I was dealing with real drama, – losing my Dad shortly after losing my Mom. This friend had man-made drama that she could walk away from if she chose to.

And there have even been family members that loved the stench of drama, as it smelled sweet to them. So they would stir, and accuse, and meddle, and insinuate, to sow the seeds of discord.

If you want to have a peaceful life, you must first recognize these people, and second, step away – no run away, quickly. Because drama sucks all the energy and joy out of a room – and out of life. If you are constantly dealing with drama, take a look at the people who are around you. It is possible that you have surrounded yourself with the wrong group of friends.

” You glow differently when you enforce your boundaries and restrict access to people who drain you.”

– Tamsen Fadal

Quite frankly, I’m just too tired and too old to deal with it. Which is why those people are no longer in my life. And since then, life has been a wonderful breeze with peace and happiness. I have been able able to focus my energy on making a fabulous life with my husband. Because when I moved to Texas, I left all of that old drama behind, never to let those people back in.

Why do certain people love to cause discord and strife? I don’t know. That is something I will probably never understand. But I do know that those people have no place with me. And they should have no place with you either. One of the many things I have learned is that you must truly be discerning with who you have in your life, especially your inner circle. It is said that the 5 people you spend the most time with are the people who will shape your thoughts and life. So make sure both are filled with positives.

Second, not everyone who says they like you actually does, something of a hard lesson everyone must learn. Not all friends are truly in your corner. And those who do not have the same values of loyalty and honesty as you, will hurt you, it’s just a matter of time. Does this sound pessimistic? It’s not. It’s the reality of life that you need to accept if you are to have a truly happy and peaceful existence.

Do not engage with drama. Sweep that out with the spring cleaning. And understand that you don’t owe anyone anything, so as soon as you see signs of jealousy, resentment, or general troublemaking in a “friend”, get rid of them. When they are gossiping or saying bad things about you to others – get rid of them. When they have so much drama because they cannot manage their own lives – get rid of them. Had I done this earlier when I was younger it would have saved a lot of time and trouble.

Build your life as the magnificent story it was meant to be – which means only having good, drama free people in your life. And if you pay attention you will notice that those who have a lot of drama in their lives are not good at managing things in their lives – where those who are peaceful are. Those with no drama are usually capable of successfully navigating through life’s challenges. Why? Because their time and energy are focused on important things, not petty events created by board people.

Life is short – too short for unnecessary drama. Run away from these people, situations, and messes. No matter how much you love them, their drama will consume you until you unhitch yourself from their wagon. Trust me, it’s worth it. A peaceful life is waiting for you.

The None That Got Away

Sometime the most random things make you think, or inspire you. The other day it was a TV show I was watching were two characters were talking about “the one that got away.” Yes, that infamous, illusive “One,” you always wonder about and for whom you pine. You wonder….what if…? And I got to thinking, wondering actually. Do I have a OTGA (One that got away)? And if so…who?

And the answer was a resounding – No.

When I was younger I had no interest in getting married yet. So I dated freely. Some I broke up with, some broke up with me. Some were nice, some were not, most were decent. Most of the men I dated in my 20s and 30s were truly good men with whom it just didn’t work out. Timing, careers, geography, scheduling issues, complicated relationships with kids or ex spouses, or just not being ready. They were nice, were treated each other well, and eventually, for whatever reasons, we parted ways. Most of them ended up very happy with others, as I have now. Looking back there are no regrets.

It seemed that the older I got, the worse dating got too. And I don’t mean the preverbal slim pickings in the dating pool, I mean that men got rather sophisticated with their dating games. Maybe it was just a sign of the times as dating and hook up apps began to gain popularity, and meeting people the old fashioned way was, so passé. It was was ghosting, Netflix and chill suggestions after the first date, cheating, lying, non committing to lazy situationships.

No thanks.

I looked back on all my relationships over the years, and there is not a single one that got away. There were a few from whom I ran, there were a few that I truly care for, but no one I wonder about, think about, or wish. My heart is happy where I am and with whom.

So why do people hang on to those ones who got away? Why do some always wonder, wasting valuable time in the present to daydream about the future past? I don’t know. Maybe it is a fear of missing out, maybe it is not being satisfied with who they are with, maybe it’s a thousand other things. And maybe they also need to put old outdated thoughts to bed, or take them out with the trash.

Before I met my husband, I did wonder if I would end up with one or two that seemed to resurface every few years. But one of the things you realize when you are with someone who really loves you, if that if all those others really loved you, they would be there…and they aren’t. And they weren’t. So at that point, I let all of those old thoughts go and concentrated on the wonderful man in front of me, who as there, who was showing up, who played no games and made no excuses. Actions speak louder than words, and the whisper of his actions shouted his feelings for me louder than anything else I had ever heard.

And I knew I was where I belonged.

Life is hort. Stop wasting time wondering about the OTGA. Those kinds of thoughts slowly erode from your current relationship and leaves the door open for cold drafts. If they were meant to be with you, they would be. Because if they wanted to be with you, they would be. I am loved more now than I ever have been, more wholly than I ever have been. There is no one who got way, because he is right there with me every night. And that is the best feeling in the world. End of story, chapter and book.

Rain Down

There are times in life you just have to accept that you are in a rainstorm and you are going to get wet. And you have a choice – fight it, or embrace it and get wet as you dance. I came to this realization while loading full grocery bags into my car during a typical Texas summer afternoon monsoon. The skies were clear when I went in. But somewhere between the cereal isle, and the laundry detergent, the storm moved in.

As I walked out and looked up into the clouds, I determined that there was no way to stay dry. The umbrella was in the car, and the rain was coming down so hard it wouldn’t have been much help anyway. So Why not enjoy it? And isn’t that the way it is in life? We face storms of may types and intensity. But sometimes, when you are going to be in the middle of it, it is our attitude that will make the difference and get us through. After all, if we want the rainbow, we have to put up the rain.

Let the rain wash over you and cleanse your soul. Feel the drops on your skin, the coolness of the wet, and revel in the sensation. Let your inner child out and smile. Taste the rain, smell it, feel it, love it. And love your life with the same abandon. In order to make the best out of whatever difficult situation, we must first find the joy, the appreciation, the empathy in it. It’s Texas. It’s been in the triple digits for months, we are in a drought. We need the rain, My flowers in the garden will be happy. And there en lies the joy.

Life is short. So dance in the rain, enjoy the cold, smile at storm, speak with the thunder and make friends with the storm. When the skies clear, you will be better for the experience.

Frogger

When I saw it I had did a double take. Was that the ex that cheated on me with prostitutes and strippers…showing up in my “People you May Know” under a fake name? The world is a small place, especially on social media.

I had a flashback of sorts – He left 2 weeks before my father died, saw a prostitute named Pearl Prime the night my dad died, and then tried to get my electricity turned off the day after my dad died. I found out about his cheating a month after he left when I turned his old phone over to the carrier and they accessed it before wiping it. I was shocked and humiliated when they showed me the pictures of the naked women who surely didn’t look of age. Had that really been over 6 years and another lifetime ago?

I clicked on the profile to see if was it really him or some fake cloned account. No, it wasn’t fake, it was his. And it was full of pictures of half naked women with him. The kind of women who have their Only Fans page link on their profile. Five years after we broke up, he is still living the life and that “lifestyle.”

I remembered what my then grief counselor said about it at the time…this was not a man in his 20’s experimenting (which would be bad enough and still not normal), but an older man. And at his age, it is an addiction to the lifestyle. And it was the likely cause of the ugliness of our breakup, because men who are addicted like that often act out in abusive ways. Hearing that was hard, but a relief. I had blamed the demise of our relationship on the death of both of my parents and grieving their loss, which would have put a strain on any relationship. No, my grief counselor assured me, our relationship would have ended anyway, though the deaths expedited the process – which was an extreme blessing.

Why do I go into all this? Because there is a reason why things don’t work out. And not just for the right person to come into your life (like my wonderful husband), but also to protect us from incredibly dangerous and toxic things we may not even be aware of. I had no idea of the toxic world in which he was partaking. And it was such a blessing that the relationship ended when it did, and before I paid the price of his participating in such a drug and disease ridden part of society. I dodged a huge bullet, the verification of which showed on my Facebook page.

I smiled and blocked him. That night I hugged my husband a little tighter, thanking God that he was there – an honest, faithful, man of God, who loves me.

Life is short. Have faith that you are exactly where you are meant to be. And those who didn’t make it with you? It’s because they would be toxic, or at the very least not serve you, on your current path. Be thankful for the life you have now. Be thankful for the roads not traveled, the battles not fought, the breaks that are not on your heart. And celebrate the life you have, the joy and the people who are there with you, supporting you, loving you, every day.

Honeymoons away

I have only been married once. I waited a long time, what seemed like forever, to find the right man. The man who would truly love and honor me, the one who could be my safe harbor in a world full of storms. We were married in May, but just now took our honeymoon. My wonderful led a men’s retreat shortly after our wedding, se we postponed it until after the retreat was done. I am so very proud of him for the work and service he does for others.

And then we were off. A trip of a lifetime with my lifetime partner. it was beautiful and magic and amazing and fun. And what i learned is that I truly enjoy spending time with this man. we were away from everything – no work, no emails or phone calls. Just us. Out in the wild, exploring, playing, laughing, eating, drinking and having a blast. A trip to Croatia was what he gave me as out honeymoon. A day trip to Bosnia, and Montenegro.

A wine tasting at a beautiful family owned vineyard. He made friends everywhere we went, as he has never met a stranger. I swam in a cold waterfall. And jumped into the Adriatic Sea. We found a hidden bar on a cliff, and enjoyed local spirits. We sat under unfamiliar stars, talking to foreign accents while holding hands. And it was magic.

I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful husband. And beyond blessed to have this man as mine, and blessed to be his.

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Losing your parents is extremely difficult, and not for the faint of heart. A friend of mine is going through this, and the aftermath of picking up the pieces after the remaining family imploded. Having lived thorough this myself, we have talked quite a bit over the last few weeks as she starts her life in the new normal, moving forward and starting fresh. I have learned this unfortunately happens quite a bit. I wrote this to her and hope it might help anyone going through similar.

Losing family and your roots is a shock to every system of the human condition. And it sucks. It’s that sadness that won’t go away, the uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you ache for the simpler time of Before…but…

But…know that it’s just a short time that you have to feel this way, only a short time before you find yourself and your new life. All you have to do, is just through this short period of time, and then you will be invicible and made of steal – 

Because nothing will ever hurt this much again. And once you get through it, it will be done. And you never have to feel this way again. 

And it will make your stronger and simultaneously more compassionate. You will feel joy from such a deeper place, it will astound you. A joy borne from the depths of all the pain. And you will dance with appreciation for the breeze,

 and the sun, and the most mundane of things. You will shine with the finest patina, that will mark the world with it’s beauty. All this, because you will have persevered. 

A Trying Day

Dolly’s response when a journalist asked her about her feelings her variety show being cancelled after just one season.

I’ve never been one to follow celebrities, or get star-struck. Celebrities are just people who put theur pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us. So I have never understood the fascination with celebrity or fame. But I do make an exception…for Dolly.

I love her. She has been in a tough industry for decades and managed to stay the same bubbly person she has always been, and also stay true to her roots. She is beautiful, funny, and is amazing talented as a singer, songwriter, and actress.

Throughout her whole career, Dolly has been trying, dabbling in different things here and there. She’s been trying new genres, new styles, new formats, new people and now she is singing rock. And she is fantastic at all of it – especially trying and then succeeding! The lesson we can all learn is that you can’t succeed if you don’t try.

We all know this, we have all heard it most of our lives, but how many of us truly live it? In this day and age of everyone having an opinion about everything, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, it can be easy to listen to the critics. It can be easy to settle in the comfort of what is old, and staying put out of fear. Fear of what though? Fear of failing, fear of being made fun of or criticized, fear of losing, fear of…probably a thousand things.

But what kind of life is that, if we don’t try? And imagine what this world would be like if we all succumbed to our fears and insecurities? It would be a boring, colorless world. Because there would be so many things, songs, movies, businesses, people, that simply wouldn’t exist if there was no effort, no risking it with trying it first.

What what if you fail? So what. What if people find out and think you are crazy? So what. What is they criticize you, talk about you, or laugh at you? So what. They aren’t trying anything new, so the only thing they can succeed at is being exactly the same. And it’s none of you business what people say about you anyway. Trust me, life is much better when you realize that.

And sometimes trying something new means a complete change of life. And that’s OK. Maybe it’s a career change, a move, a new hobby, a new start up. IT’s scary, actually it can be terrifying. But it’s worth it. I remember when I wanted to try to be a writer, and I left my very secure, very nice finance jo. People called me crazy and laughed. Who’s laughing now?

Same thing when I moved from Atlanta to Texas. And when

Life is short. IF you can think it, dream, it, then try it. You’ll thank me later.

The Measure of Man

The measure of a men’s greatness is not the number of servants he has, but the number of people he serves. – John Hagee

Many times in my single life I prayed for God to show me a good man with whom I could plan my future and my life. And many times I thought I had found him, only to find that I was wrong. It got rather discouraging. And it left me rather broken and distrustful for quite a while. Especially the time, 1 month after my father died, I found out the man I was dating cheated on me with prostitutes and strippers – ouch.

I remember asking the Hospice grief counselor, who graciously talked to me about more than my father’s death, what I could do to make sure I never make the mistake of dating someone who could do those things again. And his answer was so simple in its eloquence, that it cut through all the irrelevant: Find a man of God with whom you an pray. I never forgot that.

Years later, after I moved to Texas to start a new life, I did indeed look for a man with whom I could pray. A man who not only believed, but also lived his faith. Three years later, this past May, I married him. We will be taking our honeymoon soon, as we put it off for him to lead a religions means retreat this past weekend.

He led the retreat, after having worked over 8n months in preparing, praying, forming the staff, holding meetings with his staff and also the board, making sure everyone would have what they needed for the program. And we prayed together about it, about all of the work coming together for those who attended, and those who were on staff to meet the needs of the attendees.

And indeed, I have followed the very wise advice I had been given that very sad day, sobbing, begging for any answer that might mitigate the future risk. And I have to say, this man, my husband, watching him serve others, watching God work through him, is quite amazing. And every day I am incredibly grateful for having such a wonderful, solid, moral, kind, loving and incredibly patient man.

who you chose as your spouse is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. One of my best friends passed away 5 years ago this month. She married a man who was cheating on her while she was getting treatment for terminal cancer, he kicked her children (his step children) out shortly after her death, and never gave them children their inheritance, money she specifically set aside for them and their college.

Life is short. Choose your partner wisely. I did, and my life is all the better for it. And he was worth the wait.

Men are not made religious by performing certain actions which are externally good, but they must first have righteous principles, and then they will not fail to perform virtuous actions. – Martin Luther

Choosing My Hard

We have all seen the above meme about choosing your hard. And indeed the first time I heard it years ago, it stopped me in my tracks because it reminded me of something a good friend told me years earlier.

I met my friend about 18 years ago when we lived in the same apartment complex in Atlanta. A wirery, tough, Harley riding gentleman, who simultaneously looked like a member of ZZ Top and The Hell’s Angels, I immediately liked him from the moment I saw him across the parking lot. It became my mission to meet him, not out of anything romantic, as he was much older, but out of knowing that this man had a story and I wanted to hear it. So an unlikely friendship formed between the two of us, and it is one that I still cherish to this day.

He would take me for rides on the back of his bike, to biker bars for beer and snacks. I enjoyed walking in with him, seeing the crowds part as we entered. And we always had the best conversations about life, love, happiness, good jokes, and so much more. This particular day we were talking about regrets and things we would do different in life.

When he was younger, his employer at the time offered to pay for his degree in management, but he didn’t take the offer because he was young and didn’t want to invest his time in something that hard. What he didn’t know was how hard his career and life would be without taking that offer. He said he very much regretted that decision because “Time passes regardless of the decisions you make, so you might as well put in the work.” I never forgot his observation, made more profound by his age and experience, and I’ve used it many times when planning a forward path.

Years later I read the “Choose your hard” meme. And I was again stopped in my tracks as I heard my friend and recalled that conversation years prior. And indeed it is right on the mark.

I think it’s because that life is never easy, so we might as well choose the hard that will result in something positive. I know people who are lazy and never want to learn or work hard, never seeing the value of accomplishing anything more than high video game scores. I don’t understand people like that, because life it meant to be lived, not played. After all, time is going to pass whether or not we do anything.

This is also a time of convergence of two other sayings with which I have become familiar – To accomplish anything, you must get comfortable being uncomfortable, and If you’re dreams don’t scare you, then they’re not big enough.

So, I am stepping out of my comfort zone and learning new things, again. With the advent of AI in the business world, I am taking an opportunity to learn beyond my current experience in working with this new field. I got my first taste of AI working with IBM Watson, and it was fascinating. But now, it is time to up the game. So, after a long days of writing, I sit down to learn. It’s hard, but it’s good to stretch my mind around all that is happening in this new field. It also lends itself well to my content design and UX experience, as it is all based on natural language and human centered communication.

My mind hums as I extrapolate how to apply the most recent developments into a useful path. It’s a bit like the wild west in the world of AI, and it’s not going to calm down anytime soon.

I am choosing my hard. And it feels great. And uncomfortable. And a bit scary.

Life is short. Take the chance and choose you most interesting hard. Because if it doesn’t scare you at least a little bit, you’re not doing it right. Stay tuned…

Seven Year Stretch

What is a year? It is simply a passage of time, it is not geography. There is no measure of distance or space that acknowledges the feeling and awareness of your absence , still hearing the silence of it. There is no carrier that can deliver the message, but on angel’s wings that communicates the level of love that still fills my heart for you, of the memories of you, on this and every day.

Seven years time. Seven years since I held your hand, stroked your hair and a few days more than that since I last spoke to you, hugged you and looked into your eyes and told you that I loved you. Mom, I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about calling you. It took me years to not actually reach for my phone, but I still think about it o many days. When I have a moment, when there is something either good or bad to mention, you are still the first person I want to tell. And spiritually I know you already know, but there is a wonderful tangibility in actually telling you. And I miss that. I miss you.

Seven years. I think you would be very proud of me, of my life, and how far I have come. And I know you were there at the wedding. I love the sign you and Dad sent. I know you and Dad had a hand in us meeting and falling in love. It’s amazing because he is a wonderful mix of the two if you and I wish you guys could meet him.. Mom, the two if you would stay up talking about history, politics, and books.

Dad, you would have beer with him, but he would make you drink the good stuff. And you could teach him how to fix all the regular various household things we don’t know how to fix. You guys could discuss the history of various wars, machinery, and military.

Seven years. And I still have questions for you. Details about your childhood. What about your book? Who was the most influential person in your life? Exactly what did you do in the military and at the Pentagon? Why did you have the training that you had, that I only found out about after you passed away?

Seven years. I think you would love the house, and our gardens. I wish you could visit and help us with all of the flowers. There are still so many things left for you to teach me, for me to learn. How do you can and freeze all of the vegetables? I still can’t fix milk gravy like you did. And how did you make the laundry smell so good? I have tried for years…and still cannot get i.

Seven years. And I miss you still. But i have a full life, and I am ridiculously happy. For the first time I am building for me, for our small little family here, and not for everyone else. And it makes such a difference. I know you know what I mean.

In the silence of your absence
I am acutely aware of the space
Between the raindrops
And the heartbeats of each minute

I have deep knowledge of
The distance a whisper
Can travel in a quick breath
On the thick summer air

In the silence of your absence
I have felt, with keen understanding
The depth of love and pain
And loss and hope

I have heard and follow
The cries of the doves
And the joy of the butterflies
As their wings work their magic

In the silence of your absence
Though deafening as it may be,
I comprehend the bittersweet
Celebration of all the love you left behind.

And I recognize the calling
As I distinctly hear your voice
In the songs of the hummingbird
And on the wings of the dragonfly
As the silence is broken.

Ada Burch
9/13/2016

The Week of It

It has been a fabulous week of back to reality after the wedding of my dreams. There has been a lot of bad weather here in Texas, and a few days before the weeding, the skies opened up and it was a monsoon of rain for several days. Aaaand a huge puddle of water on the floor due to a leak in the roof. In between picking friends and family form the airport, breakfast with bridesmaids and general wedding stuff, I was talking to the insurance company, the contractor and the adjuster. Yeehaw.

And both of us were back to work, as we are taking our honeymoon in the fall. So it was back to work, and bills, and housecleaning, and laundry and life. Except it was better. Because I am a wife now, with a husband. Because we are together, bound by law and in God’s eyes. We are building this life, this love, this everything to be exactly what we want it to be. And there are blessing all around.

Indeed, I have never felt as beautiful as I did on my wedding day. It was truly magic. It was supposed to rain all day, but the clouds parted and the sun was shining for most of the day. It was glorious. And those I love and who love me where there as witnesses. And life will never be the same.

And that is the thing about love, it transforms our lives into the spectacular miracle that only love can make it. Because life without love is…nothing. And now I know what my parents talked about when they spoke about their love, and how they felt about each other, and all of the miracles it took to bring them together. And I know that they ae smiling down on my, and my husband.

And I understand why it didn’t work with any of my ex’s. Why all of the others, many of them quite nice, were just not quite…right. And I see the bullets that were dodged, and how it was such a blessing to not end up with some of them – the alcoholic financial exec, the narcissist that cheated on me with prostitutes and strippers, the one who ghosted me to mow his lawn, the one….and on and on. I understand all of those unanswered prayers. Because God knew there was someone for me, right here in Texas. He knew we were meant for each other even before we met. And maybe I sound like a mushy sap, and I am. And that’s OK, because I am also ridiculously happy.

Life is short. And finally I found my person. My partner. My love. And life will never be the same. Even in the every day ordinary of day to day dealings. And I will never be the same either. And that is the best answered prayer of all.

The Rush to Breath

It is a few days before the wedding and life is a crazy rush to get everything done. Getting the house ready, running last minute errands, sending out emails, answering questions, making sure everything knows where they are supposed to be and when, writing vows, going to alterations and fittings, picking loved ones up from the airport, practicing the first dance so I don’t trip or throw my new husband’s back out, organizing pre wedding gatherings, makes for busy and hectic days. Add to that a leaking roof and water all over the foyer, finishing up a freelance project where the clients refuse to pay the amount agreed upon (if you hire an editor, let them edit a complete document, not a half finished one you are still writing), getting legal involved, and a few ex’s popping back up (no, thank you), and trying to drink water and stay hydrated…It’s a lot. Enough to make anyone exhausted.

And sometimes when things get hectic we get overwhelmed and forget to breath. In the midst of all the hectic extraneous noise, it’s easy to get carried away in the kinetic energy of the moment. So what do we do when we find ourselves frazzled by the everything that is life? What I have to remind myself to do is take a moment, breath, pray, and have faith that it will all work out. Because at the end of the day, I am marrying the best man I have ever known (not counting my Dad). And at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

And maybe that is the key to life – focusing in on what is truly important to put things into proper perspective. In 10 years, what will matter is that I married this man, not that the house was perfect or the first dance wasn’t.

Yes, in this day and age of information all of the time, and being busy as a sign or status, we can cut out the noise. And we do that by stepping away and breathing to simplify our thoughts, calm our minds, and amalgamate what is meaningful and essential in our lives. Even if we feel so overwhelmed that we are gasping for air, we can slow things down enough to be manageable. And that is what I have had to do, even as the wedding to do list seems to grow by the minute.

It is the rush to breath, so to speak, and slow things down. Time will continue forward, even if everything on my to do list isn’t done. And that’s OK, because the things that are truly important to me are already right there.

Life is short. Too short to be so overwhelmed and busy that we forget to enjoy what is important and right in front of us. So cross your to do list off you to do list. Breath and look around you. And take the time to enjoy the beauty in this life you have created.

The Day is Almost Here

Hi Mom and Dad,

It feels so strange to be getting married and not have you here. No Mother-daughters moments getting ready, no Dad walking me down the isle. And yet here I am, just a few days away from one of the happiest days of my life. And I am beyond excited, and happy, and every emotion that comes along with planning a wedding and getting married. But you guys are really not here, not in the physical sense. And that is so very strange.

And I just wanted to say that, or write that, out loud. Because when I write it, it’s real. I wish you could have met this wonderful man, because I know you both would like him. Dad you would enjoy talking about engineering, and beer. Mom, you guys would stay up talking about about politics and the state of the world. Both of you would enjoy discussing history with him, as he is incredible well read and knowledgeable.

Dad, two wonderful men are walking me down the isle to give me away, two because they have some huge shoes to fill. Mom, you would like my mother-in-law too and I am blessed have her in my life.

I know you will be looking down on me, smiling at my wedding. Just know that you are loved and missed. And you are always in my heart.

A Glimps

It seems that life has been so busy and full lately, and I just want to soak every minute, every second up like a sponge. Between wrapping up contracts, shopping for new contracts, interviewing, planning the wedding, dinner parties, bridal showers, exercising and trying to lose that last 5 pounds…It has been crazy. And wonderful.

Sometimes in life, maybe you do get everything you want. Maybe somewhere after puberty and all the hard work of being an adult, somewhere in between hope and laughter, and in the space that separates fact from fiction, our dreams become reality and we find happiness.

And what a long strange journey it has been to where I stand now. To be here now, with a full heart and more love than I knew a life could hold. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this really is my life, and yes I do deserve it.

And I wonder would I be here now if I had not taken the roads less travelled? Would I have found my way here, in this place in this moment, if I had not had the struggles, heartaches, missteps and adventures leading up to now? Which begs the questions are we the sum of our parts in that respect?

Yes, I think we are, even though we are also more than the sum as a whole. I don’t know if I would still be in this exact place if a million little moments, miracles, and decisions didn’t line up exactly so. I do know that every experience in my life has made me who I am now. And maybe that is the glimpse into the future, knowing that all of our collective experiences lead us and build our lives into one huge, wonderful, complex novel.

We write the chapters of our lives with each step and decision that we make. And we are free to change direction nd start over anytime we want. We are never too old, too young or too anything to start over, change direction, make a new decision, or new direction. So if you feel stuck in life – whether it’s a job, or city, or relationship, you can change that with one decision. That is all it takes.

So take that chance, take the step, make the move and write the next chapter – make it whatever you want it to be. No one can change you life except for you. Remember that.

A little over three years ago I moved 1,000 miles away to where I am now. I was devastated from the death of my parents, family drama concerning the will, and a broken relationship. And then I woke up one morning and realized I didn’t have to be there any more. Some people called me crazy, but most of my friends reminded me of who I was, and that anything was possible. They helped me pack and move. And life wasn’t perfect just because I moved, but it did slowly get better, as my heartache healed.

Life is short. Too short to be stuck when you don’t have to be, and you never have to be. If we are the collective sum of our parts and experiences, then you have nothing to loose and everything to gain. Take. The. Chance. I promise you it’s worth it.

On Lent Time

Lent is a time of reflection and discipline. And that is good. Many people dread the time of Lent, afraid to slow down and really examine self and things around our lives that create the little worlds we live in. But I look forward to it every year. It is an automatic slow down that I need to take stock and plan out the rest of the year. But this year was a little different. It was peppered with death of close friends and world tragedies.

While I might not be as disciplined as I like, this has been a time of quiet thought. And what I have realized, right down to the deepest parts of my soul, is that I have been incredibly blessed. Even in my worst time, even when things looks the darkest, or most painful, I have been blessed to have this life, and get to enjoy so much now.

And maybe the loss of those you love makes you more aware of the every day blessings. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I never want to take any day that I am given for granted. Each day that I am here, that those I love are here, is a day to celebrate and do my best at what the days holds. That doesn’t mean be happy every moment. But it does mean keeping things in perspective.

I am with the love of my life, and the rest of my loved ones are healthy and doing well. I have a job and a career that I love. My man and I love our house in this great neighborhood, and the most challenging things at the moment are trying to find the time to pant the garden, clean the house, exercise, keep in touch with friends, have a social life and fold the piles of laundry. That’s not bad considering what is could be, or even looking at where I was 2 years ago, 4 years ago, etc.

And that is the thing about life – it is often subjective. Depending on your point of view, every situation could either be good or bad. The secret is being an optimistic realist – acknowledging the bad but always being hopeful about the future and grateful for all the wonderful thing in he present.

Life is short, too short to be grumpy. So go out and enjoy the sunshine and the rain, because both are necessary for the flowers, and for a good life.

Diamond in the Pieces

Every morning I get up, make coffee, meditate, pray and work in the garden. I have never been a morning person, s most of that gets done during of after coffee. But one thing that is for sure, gardening is a lot of work. I must spend time weeding the every. Single. morning. And if I skip a few days, it shows. I am not sure how the weeds grow faster than any of the flowers and vegetables, but they do. It is as if the weeds grow in fast forward and everything else grows in slow motion. And so I get outside, which is wonderful, and weed while I drink the coffee. I breathe in the morning air, notice the sky, and appreciate my life.

And I realize that there are many parallels between life and gardening. Both take a lot of work. Both take dedication. Both require you to get up every day, decide to work hard, and then you do it. And sometimes you must weed out the clutter, the toxic people and minutia or order for what is good to not just grow, but thrive.

No matter what you do in life, or what goals you have, hard work and dedication is what is needed to get you there. It takes hard work to earn a degree, or be successful at a job, to have healthy relationships, do stay in good physical and mental shape, to play piano…or to have a garden. And that is the thing about life, you get out what you put into it. So choose your hard.

I choose to work hard, play hard, rest hard and love hard. With all of my heart. And it shows. Because there must also be balance. And that is what I struggle with the most. Working hard and going hard it easy, it’s the balance that is difficult. Because that to do list is always calling. But I am learning to do things in smaller pieces. For instance, I am tempted to weed all of the gardens in one morning. But if I did that, it would take most of the day. But if I work in the gardens for 45-60 minutes each morning, there is time to weed and do other tasks. It is resisting to “all or nothing urge that I have as a Type A person.

The same with working out. I do not have time to exercise for a time, however, if I do a few sit ups, crunches and squats through out the day, I can get them done. So I have started working hard, a little at a time. And it’s working. Things are getting done, even if it is a little at a time. In resisting the urge to go hard and get it all done in one fell swoop, I do some as I can, then move on to the next.

And maybe that is the key to a happy life as well. You go and do a little at a time, so everything and everyone gets attention, and there is no burnout, even when you give it everything you have. Rome wasn’t built in a day, that garden won’t grow and produce all at once, and there is time to do it all. Once we slow down enough to break it up into pieces.

Life is short. And many times it’s not easy. So chose your hard, and go for it with all that you have. Take it in small chunks, and soon, after all of the hard work, your life will shine like a diamond.

This Day

This day, September 11th, will always be remembered by those who were old enough to experience it. At the risk of sounding old, the younger generation has no idea what it is like to see, either in person or on the news, an area that vast, where rescuers are still looking for remains even a year later. They have no idea what it is like to know people who were or should have been in those buildings, wondering if they are alive, or if they were one of the many who jumped or were buried alive.

They have no idea what it was like to go and see Ground Zero, before it was built back up, before there were monuments and new buildings, when it was just a huge hole, larger than you could ever imagine, and know that so many people were now part of the dust.

To me this day is a somber one, but one we should never forget because there are so many lessons that were learned.  It was the day our innocence was lost as a country, I think.

But for me it is also a day to be thankful.  thankful that I live in this wonderful country. No matter how many problems we seem to have, at least we are free.  And I am thankful for that freedom.  That were are still Americans and not subject to Sharia Law. That as a woman, I am still allowed every right I had before that date so many years ago.

I am thankful for my job and amazing career, for my friends, and that we are all OK. That we work hard and have a roof over our heads, food, running water, electricity, a comfortable bed where we sleep and do not hear the sounds of guns shots and war, as many in other countries do.

For me this is a day to be thankful and realize how lucky I am, how lucky we are, as a nation. And I thank God.

And every day, I should do my bet to be my best, because by miracle and luck, I am in this country, the greatest country in the world.  And I should not take anything for granted. Life is delicate and fragile.  And today is not a dress rehearsal.

Life is short. Make it good. Make it memorable. Make it worth it.

The Routine Order

We all have things that seem to be the bane of our existence. They gym, the dreadmill, I mean treadmill.  The dentist…and for me, routine.  I am a writer, creative and do not like routine.  Until I take a closer look at my life.  Growing up, my mother believed very much in routine, that this is what children needed in order to be healthy.  In addition to three square meals, lots of love and some discipline, we also had a lot of routine.  We had dinner with a certain time frame and went to bed by a certain hour.  We had so long to do homework, chores and piano practice.  She said that routine could bring order into an otherwise chaotic world for a child.  And indeed we did thrive.

But in my adult life, I just seem to do well without schedules.  I do what needs to be done when it needs doing, and do my best to manage time.  And I am constantly running 15-20 minutes late. But lately I am seeing more value in this thing called routine of which she spoke. And I think it might just save my sanity.

Since Dad moved in life has been on the hectic side, running from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, learning to be a caretaker of an 80 year-old and everything that comes with it.  It can be so overwhelming at times.  So what do you do when life gets that overwhelming and big that you can’t seems to see over the top of it?  Routine.

There is comfort in routine, in knowing what comes next and when. It allows for you to free up your time and space to be creative and concentrate on what is really important. It allows you to follow a natural order.  And when you think of the science of it, it makes perfect sense.  Even the human body has schedules.  The heart beats on schedule, we do not have to think about it.  We breathe on an automatic schedule. Our blood and lungs work on schedule and to their tasks and we do not have to think about it.  We go on with our lives.

And that is what I hope to accomplish with this new order, so to speak.  Dad will have a pretty set schedule – approximately when to get up, I will fix his breakfast, then when physical and occupational therapy happen, when his companion care comes over to help with tasks or run errands, when to go to the senior center to meet friends and be social. When he doesn’t have to constantly figure out what comes next, what he is going to do and why, constantly coming up for a reason for existence without my mother, then maybe he can relax and just enjoy.

And maybe I can relax a bit too.  Certain things will be on autopilot, so to speak. I can focus on my work, my relationship, friendships and such. Gears can be shifted to I can just be a good daughter, good friend and co-worker.  This routine may be just what the doctor ordered to get life back to manageable.

And maybe the secret to order is being flexible enough.  Flexible enough to work within the bounds of routine but still allow a loose schedule. With exercise we much stretch ourselves, our muscles, to give a little. Life can be messy. And if we are puritanical in either direction of too much schedule and routine or nothing at all, then things can spiral. We feel overwhelmed and out of order.

So I am looking forward to this new schedule that sets the pace for the new year.  I am looking forward to being able to concentrate on what is truly important while the everyday things take care of themselves.  It takes a lot of hard work to put a routine in place, but we are almost there.  And in that order, we can make a life of spectacular.

Finally

We did it. We survived our first Christmas without you. It was hard. Then it was OK. And there were moments of true joy. And then moments where my heart felt it would burst. Through it all you were in our hearts, and I think whispering around us, in the warm breeze, in the sounds of the birds and in the spirit of Christmas. I could feel you close, even if not able to touch you. We will be OK. You made sure we were strong. We will continue to move forward every day and make you proud by finding beauty in this world and many reasons to smile. Love and miss you always Mom. – Me

We all have hard times that we have to get through.  And some are harder than others. This was a tough one.  This was a big one.  What do you do when these times come about?  I don’t know.  My guess, or at least what seems to work for me, is just putting my head down and get through it.  I am not sure that there is a formula for getting through the hard parts.  I know that is not the popular thing to say, as many writers have made millions writing thousands of books on how to get through it.  The secret – It’s just time.  You put one foot in front of the other and take many, many baby steps.  And after time, a lot of time, you look back and see how many miles further you have traveled.

I received many messages of love and support about how hard this first Christmas without Mom would be,  And it was; there were moments that were brutal. I have always said that my life is like a sitcom, but this Christmas was more like a dramedy…Dad took a bad fall and had to be in a rehab facility building up his strength during Christmas.  But we were allowed to sign him bust him out for Christmas.  Never did I think I would be spring my Dad out of rehab for Christmas, but I live for adventure. And I have never seen anyone so excited to be home.

Christmas Eve, after everyone went to bed, I sat on the couch sobbing while looking at the beautiful Christmas tree, wishing, hoping, aching, for my Mother.  I cried for everything I have lost and would never have again.  I mourned the things that we would never do together, my mother and me.  The gifts not bought, cards not given, and adventures not to be had. And I fell asleep for a bit, there on the couch, by the tree with so many of her ornaments.  And I thought I felt her arms around me, heard her voice whisper on my ear. And I woke up feeling very loved.

And there were moments when Joy came in, like the sun breaking through the clouds.  Christmas morning came and there were gifts and smiles and so much love.  Seeing Dad excited, looking at all wrapping and bows and ribbons.  Unwrapping everything with childlike enthusiasm.  And my wonderful man, our second Christmas together, much different than we thought it would be. Watching them both get gifts that they loved. And there were Christmas carols, and the Christmas movies, and Christmas stockings, and then…Christmas dinner.

And I swear I could hear her laughing and see her smiling.  She loved Christmas. And at that moment I knew.  We were going to be OK.  We had finally turned a corner in this thing called grief.  We got thought it, we survived. We laughed and cried and remembered.  And at the end of the day, we were all OK.  And that’s the thing about love and grief.  Even when you feel like it is going to kill you, it really doesn’t.

Today it has been six months since Mom went into the hospital for her procedure.  I met her at the hospital to stay with her so she wouldn’t be alone.  The time spent with her then in priceless.  And we just had Christmas.  And finally, FINALLY, the sadness is not overwhelming. And I think she would be proud.

I looked at pictures of my mother from several years ago when she was still happy and healthy.  She was so beautiful. Always smiling with that mischievous look in her eye.  I had forgotten what that smile looked like, she had been tired for so long by the time she passed.  I choose to remember her that way – beautiful, happy, smiling, free.

And finally I can smile.

Season of Thoughts

To Wear it well

We must let go of the life that we planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. – Joseph Campbell

This is the time of year of festivities. Parties, gifts and resolutions.  And it is usually about this time of year that in addition to enjoying all that this happy season will bring, I start thinking about what I want to accomplish next year.

Most of the time, the things on my list are the usual:  Travel more, spend less, smile more, loose that 10 lbs that has been on my hips for the last 5 years. For this next year though it is quite different.  My goal for next year is quite simple: To wear it well.

I want simple things to not take so much energy.  Things like putting on my pants, going through daily routines…breathing.  To put it quite simply – grief is bitch.  Grief is like that bad roommate you can’t get rid of.

But the fact is that Grief will be with me for quite a while. So I must learn to wear it well.

What exactly does that mean?  It means that You hold your head high, smile anyway and get on with it.  It doesn’t mean you still don’t feel it in every part of every bone, you just don’t let it wear you, you wear it. Right now, I feel like Grief is cutting off circulation, because it is a very ill-fitting outfit that is tight in all the wrong places and loose in all the wrong spots.

From all the research I have done, grief never really leaves you. So I have to learn to wear it well. And defiantly better than I have.

Ultimately, I would like to make this grief a place from where love can grow and prosper.  I would like to make it a beautiful garden of compassion and goodness. I want to do more than wear it well; if it has to be with me for my life, then I want it to make me a better person. I just don’t know how to get there yet.

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom. – Rumi

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The Smell of It

As a parent, it’s my responsibility to equip my child to do this – to grieve when grief is necessary and to realize that life is still profoundly beautiful and worth living despite the fact that we inevitably lose one another and that life ends, and we don’t know what happens after death. –  Sam Harris

It is funny the things that you miss.  And as cliché as it sounds, the laundry smelled so good when Mom did it. I never thought I would miss that smell so much. I cherish anything I find of her original laundry.   And I finally found out her secret.  I found her stash of fabric softener and smell good stuff.  The one problem?

I cannot find it in any stores here in the Atlanta area.  Seriously…in a city of millions…I can’t locate any of it.  Dad and I are both searching for it.  Where did she get this stuff?  Did she ship it in from another country?  Or planet?  Because this stuff smells like Love.

It is somewhere, and somehow I will find it and get as many bottles of it as possible.  Love in a bottle cannot be overrated, neither can the magical smell of laundry.

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. – Abraham Lincoln

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Hard Candy Christmas

Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life. – Anne Roiphe

Tis the season for all the holiday festivities. It is also a very bad time for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  And while the grief cannot be fixed or erased, we can, if we choose, still find the beauty in every day.  We can, if we choose, appreciate the happiness and joy around us, and maybe even have some of it seep in.

And so it goes this holiday season.  The Christmas tree is going up this weekend.  A big real tree.  I’ve never had a real Christmas tree but have been told that they smell wonderful.  And there will be Christmas music and carols.  And lots of Christmas lights.  We are going to see a large light display, complete with hot chocolate and roasting marshmallows by a fire afterward. The house will have a lot of Christmas decorations, some old that have been passed down to me, and some new.

This Christmas will be hard, and that cannot be changed.  It cannot be fixed.  But. But, we do not have to drown in it either.  We can still smile through tears, celebrate through grief and see joy in the world. A broken heart still beats. The world still turns and life goes on.

So, bring on the eggnog, Christmas carols and fires.  Let’s light the house up with Christmas displays.  Let the stockings be hung, the dancing Santa’s dance and the angels sing.  No doubt my mother is one of those angels now.  May we hear her voice this Christmas, and all others to come.

I think faith is incredibly important because you will become overwhelmed with what’s happening and you will have waves of grief, but when you turn to your faith, I believe God will give you waves of grace to get through it. – Joel Osteen

 

This Thanksgiving

Change. It is a fact of life. Everyone, at some point, must accept it, learn to deal with it, adapt to it.  But that can very so very hard.

Usually I write about everything I am thankful for in the Month of November – a new list every day.  This Thanksgiving that seems too strange. I do look around and acknowledge the many blessings.  But I am not sure how to act really.  I am very thankful Dad is still here, thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, the fact that we have been blessed to have such a wonderful home and are building a life of love. That I have such wonderful friends who are there for me and love me, that I have a job I love at a great company.

And that I had 42 wonderful Thanksgivings with my mother.  That I was there in her last moments. And for all the wonderful talks and whispers and moments we shared, mother and daughter.  When she looked at me in the hospital and said “I know you truly love me.”  When she smiled and said “I know what that means.”  When I read the letter and notes she wrote labeled “Don’t open unless I am dead”…and how truly funny they were.  Thankful for the way she always knew just what to say, and when to say it, to make me smile and feel better.  Thankful for the taco soup and fresh cut corn that she froze, just for us, knowing she was going to pass. Still taking care of us, even now.

This Thanksgiving will be very different from the ones in the past.  Every Thanksgiving has been at my parent’s place.  Even when I lived far away, the trip would be made to make sure I was there with the rest of the family.  There was always so much food because Mom loved cooking for all of us.  The exception was last year when I begged to have the holiday feast at my place.  Mom and Dad reluctantly agreed and made the trip up to the big city.  It would turn out to be the last with my Mom.  My sister and her three boys were there too.  I treasure those memories.

This is the first year in my life that Mom will not be here for Thanksgiving, or Christmas.  This change is not welcome, but it is as it is and so I must adapt.  Thanksgiving is coming whether Mom is here or not.  And so this year we will spend Thanksgiving around M’s mother’s table. I am thankful for their generosity of taking us in. And no doubt there will be lots of love around that table. Truth be told Dad and I are at a bit of a loss this Thanksgiving…and holiday season in general.

But that is the thing about change – it opens up new opportunities. New ways of thinking about and doing things, and new possibilities.  This Thanksgiving may have a melancholy feel, but it can still be special.  This Thanksgiving is about love. And love is always a good thing.  Because love feeds the Human Spirit, fills in all of our cracks and makes us stronger.

What’s Cooking

We all have those challenges in life where you wonder how on earth can it all get done?  One of the biggest struggles in modern life is what’s for dinner?  How do you cook a balanced meal most nights, have it tasty, fresh and not take forever to prep and cook?  After working all day?  We are currently trying to figure this out.  So is a large part of the rest of the country as well.  All the planning it takes, prepping, and actual time cooking.  How to make sure everything is done and hot at the same time when each thing cooking takes a different amount of time to prep and cook?  How to cook and plan a meal for this this night, leftovers that night, the other dish the next night…so that nothing is repetitive and boring – oh and still nutritious and yummy?

Having an aging parent living with you, who is going through chemo and who has special dietary needs adds to the challenge. Growing up my Mom cooked for us almost every night. And when we had 6 foster kids, she cooked almost every night still.  We always had three balanced meals a day.  I have no idea how she did it.  Actually I do –  First, she loved taking care of others, so it gave her a tremendous amount of joy.  Second she didn’t work.  That is not knocking those who stay home – quite the opposite.  One of the most important things you can do for your family is cook, clean and take care of them.  And it is a lot of hard work.  Thus the challenge.  How to take care of the family as well as you could if you didn’t work, when you do work?

My boyfriend and I, who both work, are trying to figure out how to take care of things in and around the house as well as those who don’t work.  And the truth is – we can’t.  Those who stay home and take care of everything are nothing short of miracle workers.  There are two of us and we, combined, cannot do what my mother did, and there was only one of her.  (But then my mother was magic)

Maybe the trick is in addition to doing it together, you have to decide on a level of un-doneness. Yes, I did just make up that word. What that means is that since we do both work, and we are not miracle workers, we cannot possibly to everything.  So, if we cook great meals 4 nights a week, then eat left overs, sandwiches, soups or pizza the other nights, maybe that is enough.  Add some healthy snacks in there and maybe that is the extent of what we can get done.  Because there is still laundry, still dishes, still vacuuming, still trying to exercise, still quality family times and still trying to have a little smidgen of a social life.

Maybe finding an acceptable level of un-doneness is the secret to keeping the love as well.  There might be dust on the mantle, but if love burns bright in the fireplace, then a warm home cannot be far behind. And that’s what’s cooking at the Burch Manor.

14,000 Miles

Regular car maintenance, we all do it.  Unless we want to be stranded on the side of the road because the engine exploded, we get the oil changes, tires rotated, fluids topped off.  Just like the DMV, it is a necessary evil that must be endured.  I am lucky that the place I take my car is pretty honest and they know I know a bit about cars (thanks Dad).  But even I was surprised when the technician asked “14,000 miles since your last oil change in June?!?  Where have you been driving?”

You can travel a lifetime in fourteen thousand miles. In those miles I have traveled several.  What started out as simply assisting Mom during recovery from a minor procedure ended up as so much more.  And that seems several lifetimes ago already.

In 14,000 miles I have traveled to heartaches door and back.  I have carried more love and compassion than all the luggage in the world could hold.  Each mile, each inch, each centimeter, has paralleled each beat of my heart.

I have traveled to confusion, and denial and desperation and fear and loss.  I have visited darkness and knelt humbly at faith’s doorstep.  I have sat, hunch over, crying, sobbing, begging, pleading, admitting that I don’t know how to do this, how to watch my mother pass, how to be strong enough to be the leader, how to be what is needed for this task. I have prayed for wisdom, and grace, and compassion and understanding, and patience; sometimes failing, sometimes not.

In those miles I have bargained, promised, negotiated, fought, and bled my soul.  I researched the best course, sacrificed sleep because it was not important, and seen acceptance in the nurses expression when they looked into my eyes and knew the term “visiting hours” did not apply to me. I have prayed that as much as I love her, please, please let her not suffer.  I have broken my own heart into minuscule shards, trembling, as I prayed for it to be peaceful.

I have seen compassion and true heartbreak watching my father.  And I have witnessed the truest love, watching them the last time they interacted.

In 14,000 miles, I have seen the most beautiful and striking rainbows, as rays of hope break through the clouds. I have seen eyes look into mine with love and compassion, shoulders that truly are strong enough for me to cry on, arms that are strong enough to protect me, and gentle enough to be shelter. In those miles, I have seen how blessed I am to have a wonderful man and partner who is willing to be there, even when I am so terrified that I cannot stand to be in my own company. And then seen him stay and stroke my hair so I sleep in peace.  I have carried whispers and secrets and writings, and journals, and anger, and fear, and love and joy and everything that is life in those miles.

There have been miles of boxes packed. moved and unpacked.  There have been countless sleepless nights, up planning and figuring, writing and praying.  There have been men payed, volunteers asked, friends talked to and letters written.  Interviews and jobs declined and accepted, tasked completed and left undone. There have been pictures taken and voice mails saved, phones traded and flowers smelled.  There have been countless meals cooked and eaten, many bottles of wine and water and coffee.  There have been long goodbyes and short visits, lengthy conversations and easy decisions and heavy burdens. There have been cards and songs, and work and play. And love, most of all.

Fourteen thousand miles is a short distance for where I have traveled and returned. And when you think about all of that in 14,000 miles, it is humbling to think of how many miles are traveled in our time on Earth, and by how many travelers.

And in the miles ahead, I see that the road is rich with hope and dreams, and love, and kindness and all the good that can be held around the next bend. And it makes me wonder what the next miles have in store.  Just like looking at the blank pages of a new journal, I am inquisitive about the future. Even when the road is long and hard, we must never lose our hope, our wanderlust, our curiosity, our sense of wander or our optimism. We must always strive to learn and grow and be better.

Yes, I saw all of this flash before me, in an instant when the technician asked that simple question.  I just said “I had a family illness that required a lot of driving.” He smiled kindly and said he was sorry to hear. Then he rang me up and went on his way down his road, continuing his journey.  And so it goes.