Fresh Starts

A fresh start, a clean slate, a new beginning. We are all in need of them at some point in our lives. And why not?  They say every day is the start of a new day with endless possibilities. At least that is what I was taught.  It is never too late for a new beginning, or to change direction or to change your mind. And if you find that you were wrong?  Just start again.  There are an unlimited number of starts in life.

And that is a good thing. How many times have we ourselves, or someone we know, changed their career, living space, or life, because they wanted to start over again?  But why would someone want to do that?  Isn’t rebuilding or re-establishing hard?

Yes it is, or it can be. But that doesn’t mean that it is impossible. And I think most people want a new beginning because they look at where they are and they are not happy. It is a feeling of “DIS” – displeasure, disengagement, disinterest, disappointment, disillusionment; a general feeling of disenchantment. And so they decide to walk away from the past and go straight for the future, because where they are doesn’t seem to have a future.

How does one go about that fresh start?  I truly don’t know. Many times it starts with a new location.  Indeed it is easier to start new, when in a new place. Whether it is moving where you have never lived, or going back home, a change of location has a psychological effect when it comes to starting over. There is something cathartic about unpacking in a new place, a new space, where there is no history, no memories and that blank canvass is entirely what you choose to make of it.

And if there is a new location, there is usually a new way of earning money, whether that is a new job or even a new career. This can be scary and exciting at the same time. Because we all have to live, we all need to have electricity, and food, and shelter. So figuring this one out is important. But if all those other people can do it, so can we.

And what of love? Whether running to or from, or neither, a fresh start can be good. A new beginning can refocus our time and energy, give us a chance to heal and develop past the past hurts. Many times we end up finding our hearts, whether through deep friendships that develop, romance, or simply by falling in love with our own lives. We can learn to love whole and fully in the new.

Most of all, a fresh start gives us hope.  Whatever it is that we seek, is seeking us too. And the universe loves a person too stubborn to give up on their dreams. So go forth and seek.  Don’t be afraid to start over. Because everything we want is on the other side of fear.

And so I pray, and I seek, and I hope, and I have faith. And I throw my entire heart into this, into my next chapter. With every breath and every heartbeat, I move forward. Oh, it is terrifying isn’t it?  But you know what is just as verifying? Staying in the same place and never trying. So here I go.

Life is short, so join me, won’t you?  And maybe together, all of us who are starting again, can watch out for each other, and cheer each other on, one step at a time.

 

To Her

What is she looking for, I wonder?  When she looks at my blog, at the same ones that she always reads? Is she looking for comfort?  Or inspiration to leave?  Has he done to her what he did to me?  Is she trying to get the courage? Is she looking for a clue?  Why it is those entries?  Except, I know.

This is to you, yes you, his new.  Don’t be afraid to leave.  You deserve better than to have someone speak to you that way, treat you that way, hurt you that way…hit you that way.  Yes, what I say is true, all of it. And there is life after, love after, all after it’s over. Two others have gone before you, and there is enough of a record to stop it.  If that is the road you choose, you will not walk alone.

 

The Temporary Slobs

Packing up an entire house, with the belongings of 3 people in no small thing.  And the house gets messy when you are throwing around boxes and arranging items securely so they don’t shift or break.  Boxes are everywhere, stuff is everywhere as we try to organize what should go in which box.  And we are packing so there is not much time for actual housework.

And then I get the call.  The property management company wants to show the house to a potential renter.  She makes the appointment time and now it is time for a frenzied cleaning spree.  You never realize how much of slobs you are until you are packing up and living in the same space while working full time and trying to have a life.  All of the sudden it was dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, organizing, folding and actually putting the laundry away.  Not to mention arranging the boxes into a manner where you can see the floor and do not have to walk a narrow walk way. Getting all the cat fur and dust bunnies from underneath the bed and out of the corners. Wiping off counters and cleaning bathrooms.

I realized in that moment; in that moving, cleaning, OMG, we have been so busy we have not had time to do this moment, we had become temporary slobs.

And the house will be shown, and while it won’t be perfect – the know we are in the middle of packing – it will look decent.  This little house that has been our home, that has been such a blessing and rescued all of us in one way or another.  Leaving is bittersweet – this is the first house in a long time that truly felt like home.  And I felt it from the moment I looked at it.   It has been a space filled with love, and promise, and my first Thanksgiving celebration, and family, and memories and so much love, it’s hard to believe a building can hold so much.

And now we move to another home, this one bigger, with more space for Dad, and better commutes to work.  But still that little house will always be one of my favorites.  And we will continue packing, then unpacking, and probably being slobs until we are settled into the new house.  And that’s OK, because we are in order where it counts – our priorities, our love for each other, our commitment to each other and this little family – my boyfriend, my father and me.  Life can get messy, but as long as we have each other, it will all work out in the end.  And it’s OK to be the slobs next door – for now.

And Then it Was Two

Someone asked how Dad and I were doing today. This day, the 2^nd month anniversary of Mom’s death. Two Months.  One can live a lifetime in two months.

Most of that day is a blur to me.  I remember parts and pieces.  I remember painting Mom’s fingernails and gently brushing her hair the night before, and that morning.  I remember gently talking to her about how much I loved her and about my favorite childhood memories.  Like the Alfonso’s break dancing kit gift debacle.  And when she read Little House on the Prairie book series to me.  And when she would brush and fix my hair in the morning when I was a child.  When she taught me all those childhood songs that I still remember, how she decorated my bedroom when I was a teenager and made it seafoam green…and how I really did not appreciate that as much as I should have.  How she sat with me through each and every heartache and break up.  And teaching me how to cook and make her famous milk sausage gravy…and so many memories.

I remember how I held her hand and watched her breathing get more and more shallow.  Even when you know it’s coming, you are never prepared to see someone take their last breath.  And I remember the lights flickering three times after I said “I love you…”

And then there was talking to everyone, making arrangements. Making decisions and taking care of everything. I know it happened, and I was the one to do those things, but I really don’t remember.

Grief is not as I expected.  I thought it would be a huge brick in the pit of my stomach.  But it’s not.  It is more like an acute awareness that she is not here.  It is the extreme knowledge of the Last time I felt her arms around me. It is the silence of her absence. And it is deafening.

But my answer to my dear friend who asked was simply – We are getting better at moving forward.

Because we are. Every day we get better at honoring her by creating something beautiful.  We live for her to look down and smile.  We pray for God to hold  us – and her – in his big hands. We hold our breath for the signs and whispers.  We look up and feel the sun, see the clouds, celebrate the rainbows, feel the rain and notice the magnificence of the world. A life beautiful through honoring her, her memory, how she wanted us and raised us to be. A life beautiful by creating a safe, peaceful space that is a sacred sanctuary, protected and kept close.

We move forward by honoring her memory and being true to ourselves and those we love.  We continue forward with the move to the new house, and creating something special.  We weave together the fabric of this life with every heartbeat.

Life in Imperfections

I am learning that within our own imperfections we find the greatest truths, unconditional love, appreciation and a mirror of who we really hope to be on the inside on the good and Bad days. – Jennifer Jo Clark Singleton

We all have those times in life were we just have to do it. There is a reason why that slogan is such a hit.  It is especially appropriate after a tragedy or major setback in life.  When we feel hopeless, defeated, hurt, scared, sad, depressed, discourage, unsure…we just have to get up and do it.

I remember a lesson I learned from my mother.  She had a very bad back and suffered terrible chronic pain.  She was extremely strong willed though and worked through it.  The pain would put most people in bed…and I remember asking her why she didn’t just take a break or lie down?  With a smile and that common sense way of thinking for which she was famous, she told me that her back was going to hurt whether she got up or not, so she might as get up, and get busy. Wow. Now that she is no longer with us, I want to carry her on lessons of strength and endurance in the face of hard time.

The fact is that we will probably still feel scared, discouraged, sad, or whatever, but we just have to do it anyway.  At some point you have to decide to reach deep down, where the soul meets the mind, down where each heartbeat mingles with our breath, and pull ourselves up.  It’s going to hurt anyway, so we might as well just do it.

And so it goes.  There is much to do at this moment.  So much change, heartache, work, love, fear, truth, honor, sadness, and life.  Adjusting to having an aging parent in the house, making sure he has everything he needs and wants, packing and organizing two moves, working a full time job, trying to cook, clean and do everyday things, keeping up with friends and family… I have no idea how I am going to do it, but I just have to, because failure is not an option.

But I know I can do it, because my mother could do anything, and I am my mother’s daughter.  The pity party is over – and that is another thing she taught me.  Have a pity party, but just make sure it doesn’t last too long.  Because life and it’s demands do not stop just because you are having a bad day, or week, or month or even year.  So you better figure it out.

I can hear her voice, gently whispering to me, as I get up in the morning.  She knows I can do it.  I will not be perfect at this.  I will stumble, fall and even fail sometimes, no matter how hard I try.  And in my imperfections, I have found this truth.  In her imperfections I have found that unconditional love and faith.  I have found that mirror of who I am now and who I want to be on the good and bad days. And I am blessed to have a wonderful people around me who will stand by firm.  They are my roots.

We can also choose in what spirit in which we move forward.  We can choose to rise above the drama and pain, or let it drag us down.  We can choose to do things with a loving and cheerful heart, or we can be bitter and angry. I choose the former in both sets.  Dolly Parton Sings in her hit Hard Candy Christmas “I’m barely getting through tomorrow/But still I won’t let/Sorrow get me way down/Me, I’ll be just fine and dandy.” And I will be just fine.

I think that starts with acceptance. It is going to be hard. It is going to test my limits and strength.  But’s it’s going to hurt anyway so I might as well get up and get busy.  Things are going to be unbalanced right now, so I will just grab what time for myself that I can, and just get through the rest. Maybe the key is finding the unbalance you can live with temporarily. And the bad times are always temporary; it won’t be like this six months from now, a year from now, ten years from now.

You can pack and cry at the same time; you can move mountains while still wounded. You just have to do it. And so I will. How…I am not sure.  I guess we will figure that out along the way. And in my imperfections I will find life.

Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together. – Elizabeth Taylor

Grace Under Pressure

How did my Mother do it, I wonder?  How did she manage the family and all the activities? When she was here, she was the one who took care of everything and everyone when they needed something.  Now that torch has been passed to me. And I think I am failing miserably at it.

For example, my sister closest in age has refused to help with moving our parents belonging out of the family compound into the new house where Dad will live.  When I asked if she would help her answer was “Dad can handle moving by himself, he is not a child.”  I don’t know of a single adult who can handle a move completely alone, including her.  In addition to that, she has many things of her own still in the house that she is expecting Dad, or someone other than her, to pack, load, move and store for her.  Seems to me like that takes a lot of nerve to expect. And it makes my blood boil as I see the hurt in Dad’s eyes, and his panicked and defensive tone as he says he doesn’t need her, any one’s help.

I am not a violent person, but the urge to throw something large and heavy at her was hard to resist.  But I did, barely. How exactly did my mother do it?

When you are placed in a leadership position, there is a tremendous amount of responsibility that goes along with it. That responsibility also gives you certain rights or privileges.  For example, I was there when my mother passed, that sister was not. The cross that my mother was wearing when she passed, hangs around my neck now. That cross my dear mother gave me, I took and placed around her neck so she would have a cross to wear for her journey. And when my mother’s journey was complete, the cross once again hung around my neck from hers. A beautiful gift given, an intimate moment shared between mother and daughter.   That detail gives me the privilege to tell my sister she should have been there herself if she wanted anything different. The responsibility is to try to have Grace..to have justice tempered by mercy. I am pretty bad at that part. 

And I try so hard to remember my mother’s teachings of Grace and patience.  But that is oh so hard when I see my father being hurt. I want to be fiercely protective of him and tell her, in no uncertain terms, what I think if her selfishness, her refusal to work with us, her refusal to communicate or plan anything from his move, to his birthday to plans for the holidays.

We have all heard of a divorced parent whose ex-spouse makes joint custody of the children a nightmare.  Just because it is an adult parent, and not a child, does not make it OK to be an uncooperative ass.  And my mother dealt with this for almost 30 years, this sister causing problems. It should have been expected then, but I thought it might be different because of the circumstances.

And I wonder how she did it, my beautiful mother, because I am drowning. How did she keep her cool when selfishness came to the door and inside the house? Because I want to come out swinging.

When someone so selfish comes into your life, it completely alters the energy and feel of the room.  You can feel the air being sucked out of the entire space, as they are a black hole that devours anything positive and good.  It leaves you feeling exhausted as you try to feed their insatiable hunger.  But nothing you do for them will be enough; they will always want more, expect more and refuse more and more to do anything.  They are entitled, after all.

But you cannot defecate on those who love you and expect them to stick around.

And I realize maybe the solution is in walking away. From the drama, from the pain, from trying to be nice to someone who has no use for anything Burch but yet demands everything to be given. And Maybe the Grace and Patience my mother had comes not from believing in my sister, but from having faith that God will provide regardless.  God works miracles every single day.  Somehow this move, this time, this holiday season will work out without my sister, without her drama and her selfishness.  You cannot force someone to care, but you can move forward without them in your life.

And in letting go and leaving her behind, maybe therein lies the Grace. And also therein lies the Peace

The Train Tracks

In the past 9 weeks, since June 28^th, I have put a little over 6,000 miles on my car.  When you are the only local child that can drive to take care of parent issues, you tend to rack up the miles on your car when there is distance between you and the parents.  Both my car and I are exhausted.

June 28^th I drive down to meet my parents at the hospital to watch over Mom while she was in the hospital and help with recovery afterward.  She never recovered.  And then it was a flurry driving back and forth between Atlanta and the small southwest Georgia home where they lived. And every weekend, I have driven down to help sort things out.  Every weekend but two.

My Dad wants to go down every weekend to fix things like burned out light bulbs, outlet covers and things like that.  The house is for sale and he is convinced no one will buy the compound if one single light bulb is burned out or if they do not like the outlet covers.

So, when in this situation and absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed, how do you put your parent on restriction?  How do I look at my Dad and say “Dad, I love you, but you are grounded.  You are not allowed to leave town until there is actually a problem with the house”?  Because I need a break.  I need to be home for a weekend to do laundry, because I need to sort through Mom’s things that you have brought up here, because I need to sleep…because I just need to take a breath and NOT drive 1,000 miles in a weekend.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, part of the cure is to set firm boundaries so you can begin to get things under control.  How does that work when it’s your parents, and they need things too?  I guess it is the same as if he were a child.  And that is what it feels like a bit.  So how to go through and take care of myself and him and the boyfriend and the job and the house and the cooking and the cleaning and the looking for a new larger place and the everything else and still handle my own grief?  I am tired just writing it.

Most of the time when life gets hard, my answer has been to put my head down and work hard and just do it – whatever it is that needs to be done. But the loss of a parent is very different.  The very person I would call to inspire me, talk to me when exhausted and just give a kind word is gone.  So what now?

I am not sure.  I have found that being thrown out of my comfort zone also means not knowing a thing about what I am doing or how to do it.  Sometimes you may just have to accept that fact that it is just going to be bad. It will be difficult, exhausting, hard, emotional and will push you too your limits.  But no one said that life would be easy all of time.  No one promised us a rose garden.  And this is not where you will read how much the hard times will make you better.  Because quite frankly, I am not sure how the death of a parent can make a person better.  Once you have gone through it you can empathize with others in a way that you could not have before…but that is as optimistic as I can be.

So this is just going to be one of those hard times.  This is going to be one of those times where it seems that nothing is working, nothing is moving forward, nothing is getting done, nothing is getting better.  That I don’t even have time to do laundry, much less to things enjoyable like watch a favorite TV show.  There really have been few moments to enjoy, because there is too much to do.  This may be one of the times when you have to let the train run over you and pray you aren’t too messed up when it’s over.

And here I am. Dusty, tired, a little scraped up…but here.

Redefintion

It would be easy to call this redefined, but to me a stronger word is needed. To redefinition is to define something from scratch.  When you really have no clue, but have to figure it out anyway.  This is where I am.

There are a few things to redefinition in my life.  First, life is great, all things considered.  A great career, a great company, a wonderful relationship, amazing, supportive, loving friends.  I am very lucky and blessed.  But even with all of that, there is a lot of figuring out.

Happiness:  Happiness after the loss of a loved one feels different.  I am a happy person by default, having an upbeat disposition.  But I am acutely aware of who is missing.  Wanting to call and not being able.  But knowing she is here with me, watching over me, saying hello with little signs.  There is happiness in these things.

Family:  Now the family unit must be redefinitioned (yes that is a word, at least in my dictionary).  Mom is gone now.  And my closest sister in age and geography has stepped out of the picture, no longer wanting to be a part of mine or Dad’s life.  So I must figure out how to be a family now.  Thank goodness there are 3 other siblings on which to lean and who are being very supportive. My answer? LOVE.  What will that look like for Dad’s 80^th birthday?  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years?  I have no idea.  But surely there is enough love out there to figure it out.

Adulting:  Crap. This means I have to be an adult.  I still have trouble putting my pants on without falling on my face.  I have no idea what I am doing, or how to do it. Unless it involves falling, tripping and breaking my toes.  I would like to think that I will get through this with Grace and Humor.  More than likely it will be a lot of long pauses, awkward moments and blank stares. The role of Humor will be played by those who are watching.  I know, you aren’t laughing at me, you are laughing near me…

Love:  Holy crap, do I have enough love to fill the void of Mom, sister, her three sons? I have no idea, but certainly with faith and prayer I will find out.  It’s going to be rough, but it can be done.  People do it every day, so we can too.  And no doubt there will be plenty of laughter along the way, as there always is.  That is the thing about life – we may never know or understand the roads on which we end up traveling, but we can at least make the best of it.

Grief: I have no idea what grief looks like, but I have a feeling that I am deeply in the middle of a staring contest with it.  I am going to win too.  After going through all of the phases, which I am not even sure of what they are called.  But a rose by any other name…so does it really matter?  I imagine grief and I will become quite good friends before the end. So I hope it likes coffee and wine.  And soft pillows.

Every day: Slowly I am getting my groove back.  Getting back to work, being productive…not bursting out in tears every hour.  That is pretty huge.  My co-workers were beginning to think my puffy eyes and red nose were a permanent thing.  Life is getting back to being a series of serious and comedic moments.  Living with an 80-year-old is an adventure.  He likes it really warm. As in 90 degrees feels good to him.  Like when we ordered pizza. And he wanted to eat it outside. When it was 93 degrees.  My boyfriend and I are melting, trying to eat this hot pizza, sweat pouring out of use like were are made of holes.  Meanwhile, Dad is oblivious, even putting hot sauce on his slice commenting on what a nice evening it was.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Holidays:  See above family.  Just an expansion.  Mom held everything together.  Now we have to figure it out on our own.  For sure there will be a big Christmas tree.  Her ornaments.  Wrapping. And wrapping. And wrapping.  Hot chocolate. Cats. A big fireplace.  And not sure what else.  We will figure it out when we get there. Redefinition.

Decoration:  I already had a stuffed house before my boyfriend moved in.  Now more things with Dad.  I am discovering the lost art of cleaning out, throwing away things I haven’t used or worn in years to make room for…more stuff.  It is liberating and slightly scary.  When was the last time you looked in those boxes that have been packed for the last 20 years??  Yep, did that a few weeks ago.  And everywhere you look, there is a painting, picture, piece of furniture.  And whatever you do, do not open that closet door!

Dinner time:  We usually cook every night anyway, but it is pretty cool to have another at the dinner table at night.  And then after dinner conversations.  Beer or wine on the patio.  TV?  At some point I will have to binge watch everything I have missed and am missing.  I may need to book at “Bedcation” to catch up.

Gardening:  In addition to lots of stuff, I have inherited about 40 plants.  Except I am not good with plants, but I am determined to changed that.  Everything from a Delicious Monster, or a Staghorn Fern, to rubber tree plants, to a ficus benjamina, to many cacti, to other green things, this is going to be a very leafy adventure (hopefully). There are plants everywhere in the yard, and this winter, my house will be the greenhouse. Should be interesting with the cats…

Working out:  Help! My fat pants seem to have shrunk in the laundry…Or maybe I just need to get to the gym, eventually.  Between working and everything else, the gym, or even working out at home, seems like a distant fantasy. It’s a shame redefinitioning doesn’t burn any calories, because if it did I would be in my skinny jeans.

No doubt many others have redefinitioned these things too, and more.  The great thing about life is that we do get to make up our own rules, we do get to write how we want it.  And whatever these things are, I want them to be stuffed with Love.  Like a giant stuff olive (can you tell I am hungry?)

The Legacy

One month, this past weekend.  That is how long it has been.  Since I heard her voice, gave her a hug, held her hand. One month since I saw her breathing and take her last breath, surrounded by family.  It seems like a lifetime ago, yet it has only been a month.

She was anorexic, and subsequently died from complications of severe malnutrition (something which I will write about later).  Her little body did not have the strength or energy to fight the pneumonia.  And the heart cannot continue beating when the body has lost the ability to process food.  She was between 65-68lbs when she died.

But through it all I see God’s Grace in taking care of us.  My contract ended suddenly two months ago, just in time for the sibling reunion, and for taking care of Mom when she went in for surgery.  I was truly able to dedicate my time and attention to her. I was able to help her when it was clear recovery was not possible. And how thankful I am for that time, even as difficult as it was.

Learning to function again after the passing of a parent can be a challenge.  But I am my mother’s daughter, and as such I will meet the challenge.  At an early age, my mother taught me that no matter what happens in life, no matter how bad, or traumatic, or hurtful…it is but one thing.  And your life, my life, is so much bigger than that, or any one thing.  So you must continue.

And I have, slowly.  Going back to work, doing little daily tasks like cooking or cleaning.  But you slowly get the hang of it again.  I keep hearing my mother’s voice telling me to get up, get moving.  It’s just a little death. And life is bigger than death.

And how different things look now than they did just six weeks ago, two months ago.  A new job, Dad living with us now and no Mom. More furniture and things than we ever thought would fit into the house, several trips to the family compound, the compound being put up for sale, six cats and seven guns.

But if there is one constant that I have learned, is that life is full of change.  And when we find ourselves in the middle of the winds of change, love is what can get us through.  And my life is full of love. Mom is here, around, I feel it.  And I try to honor her in small things that I do every day.  My friends have all been so supportive, lifting me, even carrying me when needed. My wonderful boyfriend has been an amazing rock, letting me cry, and my father. Yes, love is everywhere.  And that is my mother’s legacy.

The Blessing of a Broken Heart

It is a blessing to have a broken heart. It is a blessing to cry rivers, even oceans of tears.  It is a blessing to feel loss so deep that you wonder if you can even breath.

This may sound ridiculous.  But to me it means that I have truly loved enough to feel that loss.  My mother and I were very close.  And her passing has left a terrible loss in my life.  But I would not trade that loss for anything.

Because it is attached to my wonderful childhood, to being taught silly songs when I was little, being read to, being made to do my homework. It is attached to hot chocolate on a night when I could not sleep, and too many hugs to be able to count.

Heartbreak and heartache never get easier.  Losing those you love never gets easier. But no one said that life would be easy.  That was never promised to us.  And when our heart is breaking, is it not because whoever it was gave us joy and love?  The amount of joy and love conversely reflects in the amount of the pain.

So let it rain. Let the floods wash my soul and heart clean, let the love of those I have lost carry me through. And let the love of those who are in my life now fill in the cracks, so that all my pieces are put back.

So if it hurts because I loved them so much, then that is OK. I want to love. That is part of living a full life. And that is the blessing of a broken heart.

My Mother’s Passing

She was magic.  She taught us how to catch butterflies, make home made bread, make a bed with hospital corners, tie my shoes, sing silly songs, how to read, she is the reason I am a writer…she is the reason why I am who I am, because I am my mother’s daughter. And now I must learn how to live without her.  This wonderful, magical, strong, independent, feisty, loving loyal woman.

On July 13th, my beautiful mother, passed away.  My father and I were holding her hands. She did not suffer. She very peacefully and gently slipped from our hands into the big hands of God.  While it was the most painful moment of my life, it was also the most beautiful.  It was my honor and privileged to be there for her, in her moment in that her journey.  She was surrounded by love, and I believe she chose that moment herself.

You drew a circle that shut me out, but love and I had the wits to win, we drew a circle that took you in.

Even though we were very close, even though I was there for her during the last 3 weeks, even though we talked almost every day, what I would not give for just one more hug, just one more chance to tell her I love her, just one more chance to hear her voice.  Hug your loved ones close, tell them you love them every chance you get, make sure they know.

Even though it is the way of nature – that children say goodbye to their parents, it is a very painful time.  I loved my mother very much and I will miss her every day of my life.

And there really is no way to describe such a wonderful woman, who was so full of live, so magic, so wise, and so loved.  She was a wonderful wife for 49 years, and an amazing mother. She raised 2 children, 3 grandchildren, and 63 foster children.

So many memories, so such laughter so much love.  And above everything that is her legacy: Love

Genny Burch. She LOVED.

The Peace of the House

I done been through too much hell and high water to come there and let you come up in my adult life where I’m supposed to be at peace and give me all sorts of hell. There’s only two places on earth that you’re gonna have peace: the grave and your house. If you can’t walk up in your house and you ain’t got no peace, then something’s wrong.   – Medea, Tyler Perry’s Medea Goes to jail

When I first saw a clip from that Tyler Perry movie, it was like big light bulb went off. If you can’t walk up in your own house and have peace, then there is something wrong.

I have never understood why people let others make their house a place of unpeace and unhappiness. But you must also have peace within yourself and that is hard to do, even impossible, if you don’t have peace in your home. We have all encountered people who will put up with just about anything to hear someone say they love them.  We’ve all known people who seem to have a never ending stream of unrest in their life and are always miserable because they won’t let go of those who are making them miserable. And their life will continue that way until they take purposeful steps to have peace.

How do you get it? I think it is a process really, or at least it was for me. First, I let go of those who were causing unrest in my life.  Anyone who upset calm waters had to go.  But even more than that, because sometimes I can be dense, I had to realize that there was a reason when someone did not return to my life. Bad things happen when we try to force it – love, friendships, jobs, and careers, whatever.  And there is a reason why sometimes people just fade away. It’s usually because that person no longer serves you – that’s the nice way to say it.

In real life, it means that your mentality no longer matches theirs, or your values no longer align and staying with them can cause you harm. This is a lesson I have learned the hard way. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person either, or maybe they are and you just haven’t seen it yet. I have an ex-boyfriend who is a great guy, aside from the fact that he is completely crazy and very unstable (thus why he is an ex).  We kept in touch for a few years, but then just faded out of each other’s lives. I decided to keep it that way because, while he is not a bad person,  I do not want that unstable element in my life.

When another friend came to visit me recently, she said she could tell that I was at peace because she could feel it in my home. I had not thought about it before then, but she was right. I am at peace. And that permeates through every part of my life, especially my home.

My wonderful happy little home, stuffed with love and furniture, cats and aloe plants. A place where I go to rest and be protected from the world, a sacred space for those I love most. I have long said, that which gives you peace will make you happy. You cannot have one without the other. And indeed it is true.

Riding with My Dad

First of all, my father is the most adorable older gentleman that ever existed, and my parents are the cutest couple in the world, still holding hands and talking care of each other.

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Their last trip to see me was one of the best visits we have ever had.  My parents adore my boyfriend, and they get along very well.  We laughed, ate, talked a lot and just were together as a family.

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And then something happened was delightful and a little surprising.

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Sometimes it is hard to imagine our parents as they were when they were younger, before we existed, when they were single and maybe even a little wild.  I have always known my father to be quite…well, fatherly.  But I have seen pictures of how handsome he was when younger (and he is still handsome just older).  I know when he was younger he had either a Maserati or Karmann Ghia (I am not a car person and get  them confused). So I do know that he has an appreciation for cars. And as a professional engineer, he has worked on many of them over the years, tinkering with this or that. And he watches the History Channel programs on planes and engines and such.

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We were just going up the store to pick up a few things, when my father strolls out of the house, with his slick sun glasses on, announcing that he is ready to go…in the convertible.  It is my boyfriends car, and it really is a wonderful, speedy, sporty thing.  But Dad, requesting the convertible? With a big grin on his face, he slipped into the passenger side and off we went, zipping through the neighborhood, classical music blasting on the stereo (his favorite)

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When I said it was a beautiful day, my father happily corrected me and said that it was a beautiful day to be out in a convertible.  It was a wonderful drive and made me wish the store was actually further away.

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So it is now that whenever we can, Dad will go for trips and rides in the convertible, smiling big, maybe remembering times gone by. It truly is the simple things in life, like a ride with the top down on a pretty day, with your dad. I will forever hold that sweet memory in my heart.

The Road to Happiness

Recently it has come to me…I am happy. Beyond happy actually. I am blissful.  After a lot of hard work, life is wonderful.  I have a job I love, a lot of freelance work, a wonderful relationship with an incredible man, my family is healthy and life in general, is great.

There is travel this year – a trip the Bahamas this month, a family trip to Belize, a few trips to the beach, and a few out of town wedding.  There is also a wonderful family reunion with all of my siblings that I am so thrilled with and excited to have happen.

And it is all about love.  When you make your decisions with love, when you set your intentions on love instead of fear, magic happens.  I promise you.  Love in my family, love in relationships and love of life.

I have long since said that which gives you Peace will make you happy.  And life is peaceful. And wonderful. And loving.

iIt has been a long, hard road. And I have walked barefoot, in the snow, uphill – both ways…but here I am. Not just traveling on the road to happiness, but it seems to be where I have taken up residence.  And it feels delicious.  Yes, this Spring, this summer, will be spectacular.

The Secret on My Success

A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. – Ayn Rand

Many times people see a successful person and which they themselves could accomplish such things.  In my life, I have has many successes, and many failures.  I think the two really do go hand in hand.  Because you have to be willing fail brilliantly to succeed brilliantly. When people ask me about success, I tell them what has worked for me. These are my secrets:

Faith and Prayer:  Pray and have faith that those prayers will be answered.  It may not be what you expected, but you will get an answer.  And have faith that the answer is what is best and work with it.  You really don’t have a choice but to work with it anyway.

In my career, as well as in my personal life, every one of my prayers have been answered. And there have been many prayers, tear stained cheeks or just needing guidance.  And don’t forget to say thank you.

Hard work:  There is a saying that many people are afraid of success because it looks an awful lot like hard work. There is no way around it, you have to work very hard if you want to succeed and anything.  You must have a sick work ethic and be determined to go through as many Nos as you have to to find that one YES that you need.    If you don’t work hard, you will never make it.  But you get to play hard too.

Help People:  I owe a lot of my success to the fact that I will help anyone I can if they ask for it.  This means help them find a job, give career advice, tell them who to contact for what if I don’t know the answer.  You have to help people, because people have helped you.  No matter who you are or what you have done, you did not get anywhere without someone believing in you enough to give you a chance.  You can be the best and hardest worker, but if no one gives you a chance, you are not going anywhere.

You also want to help others because people help those who help others.  And we all need help at some point.  Miss Karma can be a bitch, so make it pleasant when she visits.  Which leads to the last secret…

Giants:  I have been successful because I have had the privilege to stand on the shoulders of giants.  The people who have had faith in me an helped me along the way…I could not have done it without them.  They have taught me, coached me, given me contacts, supported and helped me when I have had nothing to give in return, believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself and just been my heart.

But even when you have reached a level of success, you still have to work hard.  And you may lose friends, as some will be jealous of your success and resent you for it (sometimes, even your own family).  That’s OK, let them go.

Never feel guilty for reaping the good that you sew. The Karma of resentment will come back on them too. Those people will never be successful themselves as long as they resent your achievements instead of celebrating with you. Resentment is so negative and destructive that it will hold them back.  Get as far away from those  people as possible and limit your contact as much as you can. They will suck the happiness out of you and whatever you do for them will never be enough.

 

Keep people who do celebrate your achievements close.  And cheer them on to.  That positive energy is contagious too, and we need more of it in the world.  Your  inner circle should be filled with those who are positive and love.  And those who can be honest with you as well.  Those who will not only support you, but keep you in line.

Those are my secrets of success. I have been beyond blessed to have the opportunities I have had, the people who are in my life and the things I have done.

The Little Things

It was a wet, dreary and rainy morning today. Not the kind of day that you want to be driving in rush hour Atlanta traffic. And yet there I was, stuck behind a thousand other cars.  And the directions to the attorneys office were wrong, and to a directionally challenged person, this does not help at all.

Actually, it wasn’t so much the directions to the office that was a problem, because I had the address. It was the directions to the parking deck, for which I did not have the address that was the problem. Thirty minutes, several one way streets and countless curse words later, I finally parked in the designated parking area for the law firm.

The meeting with the attorney was good and things are moving forward in a good fashion with the house of mold. I am optimistic about the outcome. Still, it is a very emotional subject, as you discuss, in explicit detail, everything that has happened, from the first time the roof leaked, to the first spot of mold, to all the sickness, moving out, staying with friend and finally finding a place to live. Describing the feeling of total helplessness as you watch a waterfall come down your walls when it rains.

Feeling emotionally spent, I went back to the car and headed to pay for parking – $20 flat fee for an hour.  But when I got up to pay, something strange and quite wonderful happened – the attendant said my parking had been paid by the man in front of me, who often does such things on a random basis.

And with that small generous gesture, a smile was back on my face. What a wonderful unexpected thing!  A random kindness, given to me on this rainy, cold and emotional day.

Always give back, when you can. For everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about and you never know when your kind act is needed for a weary spirit. It felt like a little hug, a Godwink letting me know that even on such a tough day, it will all be OK. Because  that’s what happens when we take care of each other.

And always pay attention to the little things.  When I was busy trying to get back to work and get many things done, there was this perfect little moment that made me feel so much better. That man will never know what a gift he gave – more than just the $20 for my parking.  He gave a tired girl a reason to believe, he gave a smile to someone who had just 10 minutes earlier been crying in an attorneys office, and he gave a reminder that while all days will not be perfect, we can still find the perfect even in the rain and cold. Yes, it truly is the little things in life. But when those little things add up to so much, can we really consider them little?

 

New Year, Birthdays and Taking Risks

Sometimes, one of the hardest things about writing is figuring out the opening sentence or line that might catch someone’s attention get them reading further and deeper. Just sitting down to write this post, I have come up with quite a few opening lines:

• It’s that time of year again…my birthday month!!!
• Just when you thought you were safe from another “New Year” blog
• As I sit here, in my PJ’s…

And sometimes, planning out the next year can be just as challenging.  I for one, am beyond happy to see the end of 2014, and am ecstatic about 2015. There is a sense of optimism and happiness. But how does one go about changing their life for the better exactly?  Not sure on that one, though many thousands of books have been written, and many thousands more no doubt.  Maybe it’s really not an exact science. Maybe it’s all by trial and error. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a compass to tell us where to go for that good life we want, or when we may be veering off track? A magic 8 Ball that really did have all the answers?

First I want to take care of myself.  Like many women, I stopped taking care of myself and took care of others instead. And when all was said and done, I was sitting on empty.  That is changing. I now look around at at empty house (except for the cats) and realize that I am bound by nothing…The world is mine to find adventure, with new things to trip over, places to fall into and new drinks to spill. I am picking up where I left off so to speak and it feels good. And scary. And exciting. And overwhelming.

I stopped working out and exercising. I stopped hiking, Stopped going to live music shows, or the botanical gardens. I quit fixing my hair, trying make up things and just having a bit of fun and enjoyment in general.  And adventure doesn’t have to be far from home, as long as you stay curious and keep quality people around you. For example, I had the best New Years I have had in a very long time. The best thing in the world, is when you are having such a wonderful time that you loose track and don’t even realize it’s midnight…

“Well behaved women seldom make history “- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

And I want to take a vacation this year. On a beach. I miss the beach,  miss the water. It’s calling my name. FINALLY publishing my book is on the list. I had to put it down to tend to other things and now, just like the rest of my life, it’s time to start it back up again. So if any of you know any publishers….

Exercise. The Dreadmill, the bane of my existence. But exercise I will. Not just to loose a few pounds, but because I felt better when I was exercising.  And I have set up a wonderful workout/zen area in my bedroom that will be perfect for rain day workouts and Pilates. Also, the garage is organized with space for the heavy bag. Yes, it’s time to start boxing again! And maybe even jog around the neighborhood if it ever quits raining. If not, boating around the neighborhood, that could be good exercise too.

I am not going to take on so much crap from others. I can help and be kind without putting myself out or sacrificing myself for them. This may seem counter intuitive to having Grace, which I am also seeking. But I think they can go hand in had. In order to have Grace, you do not have to be a doormat. You have to set realistic and healthy boundaries for yourself and life. I have not done the best of either in the past.

“Do one thing that scares you every day.” – Elenore Roosevelt

But the main thing for this next year, is to take more risks and chances. When we play it too safe, we forget how to really live. And sometimes the best thing you can do is step out of the comfort zone and grow. I want to do this with life and especially love. Someone sent me a picture they have of the word “Love” written in the sand on thebeach. That is what I want my life to be, full of love, life and sand this year. And it’s of to a wonderful start.

But I am also reminded of something I read not long ago, and that in order to be flexible, we must have stability. So, before any adventuring into the sunset happens, I must first find that stable foundation from which to build and spring my life.  Maybe that is why I am taking much care in getting the house unpacked and situated. And after being displaced by the mold, it is great to finally be able to relax and have a home in which to settle.

And there it is, my new year, for the age of 42.  And each heartbeat carries all the hopes, dreams and fears that go along with them too. And so it is, that I start this celebration of my birthday month. A celebration of life, of anticipation, of passion, of chances and of love. And they bring an enthusiasm that boils up from that deep place inside, past the mind, into the soul and back again.

 

 

And a Merry Christmas to All

It is Christmas Eve, and I have to think back on the past year as I get ready to see my family.  It has been a long hard year, one that has seen unprecedented struggles within my family and friends.  I am so very blessed to have another Christmas with my wonderful father, and for that I am very thankful. But this year has also seen the struggle to purchase the House of Mold, discovering the mold and now the process of getting the house mold free and dealing with the legalities of being a victim of mortgage fraud.

And I am so very thankful to have my little house now, comfy, cozy, and warm. It is much smaller than what I am used to, but it is mold free, safe, and a great place to start over.

And with this year coming to a close, that it what the new year represents; starting over. And as my friends post the pictures of their year in that cute little book, I have no desire to post mine.  I remember this year well and have no desire to revisit in pictures. I am just happy I lived through it all!

But then there have been the wonderful moments too. Like purchasing my own home, finding out it really wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.  Swimming my in pool and watching fireflies dance in the evening sky in the back yard.  Taking another chance and believing in someone.  No matter how many times I get hurt, I just cannot believe that taking a chance and opening your heart to someone new is a bad thing.  Maybe it is the hopeless, eternally optimistic person in me that believes that eventually – if nothing else than by the sacred geometry of chance, it will work out.

I have met wonderful new friends that have shown me so much love and support, even when they did not know me that well. They unknowing renewed my faith in humanity with their compassion, empathy, support, and kindness to someone they barely knew, and was not in a position to repay them. It was a beautiful and humbling experience.

And so I welcome this holiday season as the last part of the year.  And it will end well, I have decided, and hopefully the Grace of God will see that it is so.

To end this year with smiles and laughter, the quiet moments of love and family and thoughtful conversations that make memories that last a lifetime.  Preparing for the next year of my life, as I close the chapter on another.  For this year has been tumultuous and long. But that is no reason not to keep my chin up and stay always hopeful for the future.

 

The Oposite of Seasons

This is the season for parties, festivities, socializing, seeing old friends, making new friends and just a lot of hustle and bustle. It is a season of extraverts. But this season I am feeling anything but extravert.

This year I am feeling very be cozy and warm mama bearish. I just want to be home, or with a close circle of friends. Yes, the invites have been pouring in for this and that.  And surely these are people whose company I have enjoyed in the past. But my couch is so very comfortable and the fire is warm.

This year, after being terrible displaced from my home due to toxic mold, I am more appreciative of e safe place to hang my hat.  I want to make this space warm and welcoming to all those whom I love and care.

And as the pictures of festive parties, pretty dresses, fixed hair, perfect make up and lots of drinks are posted on Facebook and other social media outlets, I smile and click like from the comfort and warmth of my own hearth, on my flannel PJ’s and fuzzy socks (yes, super sexy, I know).

I sip wine and listen to my favorite music, unpacking, organizing, arranging furniture and getting settled.  And who says you have to be and about on the town seeing and being seen to be social? I have my friends close by, still meeting for dinners and drinks.  I run to theirs or they come to mine. It is nice and quiet and small and quaint.

There is home cooking – soups and sauces, new recipes and old favorite, smells and fragrances filling the house. Putting up and decorating the Christmas tree, with all the old ornaments from childhood that make me smile and love my parents. There is eggnog and mistletoe and kisses and laughter. There is the gentleness of starting over.

And sometimes, in the big world, it is good to be small and close.  It is good to make sure that all of our fingers and toes and accounted for and painted pretty colors, enjoying the small comforts that build the foundation of a good and happy life. Sometimes the small celebrations are even more meaningful than the big ones.

And sometimes, when it is all said and done, it is the building of many of those small moments that make a life worth living and loving. Sometimes being the opposite of the season is what gives it it’s meaning.

Of This and Thats

It is the winter season, the holiday season, the shopping season, the everything season it seems. And as life hurries by this time of year, it seems that my writing has slowed down a bit.  Indeed it can be hard to find the time to write about thoughts and life and love and the spaces in between, when you are right in the middle of it.

And so the struggle for balance continues. And I breath, and I let go.

To be flexible, you must first have stability. A solid foundation on which to build. A place where you can move, and twist and bend as you need when life requires you to be flexible.

And as I chase stability through the empty halls of what once was to be, and in the echoes of what is coming around the bend, I yearn to be there already. I repeat the word over and over in my mind, like a mantra, and I breath. And I stretch, reaching for my goals, driving ever more, ever deeper into the life that I want to claim as mine. And I breath, and as I let the thoughts and worries drift away. The house, the mold, the attorneys, the company, the job, the career, the family…

I have started working out again. Slowly, building my strength up to where it used to be.  Slowly, building up resistance and tension, muscle, control and tone. Stability requires strength. And I want to push my body as much as I push and exercise the mind.

And as I unpack in my new home, as I begin to settle into what will be my life, I strive in all that I do, for strength and stability; to be flexible when life throws a curve ball.

And there is a sense of satisfaction and optimism. This year is coming to a close, the new one is full of all my dreams and possibilities. It is full of all the thises and thats for which I strive. And I know, in that moment, that anything is possible, if I hold on and believe. Endurance, strength, stability, flexibility are what my heart pumps with each beat, inside each cell and fiber of me.

The Forward in the Foremost

 We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.– Walt Disney

It is said that in order to keep growing, we must keep moving forward. That we can only attain our sense of balance as we grow and move and learn. As I look around I find this to be true in my own life. But first we must let go of all of the old, all of the bed, all of everything that did not deserves well in the past, to make room for all the good that is coming in the future.

And I breathed in, and I held my breath, and then slowly, purposefully, intentionally, meaningfully, I exhaled. I let go of what was not good for me, and for which I was no good either. It’s not enough to have those in you life that are good for you, you must be good for them too. You don’t want to hold them back, or stifle in any way. So let them free. And when you see them soaring, out in the distance, their beauty will take your breath away. And you can smile and be thankful for them.

And you keep moving forward, keep discovering, experiencing, trying, growing, needing, loving, laughing, seeing, crying…everything-ing.

I think that the power is the principle. The principle of moving forward, as though you have the confidence to move forward, eventually gives you confidence when you look back and see what you’ve done.– Robert Downey, Jr.

I took the time to honor and mourn what has come to pass. And now what is left? Everything. Everything in life is left. And I feel it in my bones that it has worked out the way it should. Life is like that. It is the start of a new week and a new job, I will have a new house soon, new friendships, new adventures with my friends and family. And it is all right there in a place called Forward.

Abraham wasn’t perfect. He failed, made mistakes. But, he would go back, get right with God, and then just keep moving forward. He didn’t quit when things got hard. He just kept on going. And everywhere he went, God was there. God was with him. – Anne Graham Lotz

And I know, deep down, it always is as it should be. And the experiences we have make us richer, deeper, truer people. Our flaws and out scars make us our most beautiful, our most human. So when we do share ourselves with another, in friendship, in love, in family bonds, they see us in all our imperfection. And somehow, their imperfections pour over our own, filling in the cracks and making us stronger.

You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward. – Conrad Hall

But first and foremost, we must take that first step forward. And then another, and another. And in this Fall, this season, this moment, I hear my own footsteps as they land on the ground. Forward. And it makes me smile, gives me hope and excitement of the future to come. Chin up, feet forward, heart open.

Life is good and full and promising. And again I take a deep breath, hold it, say a prayer, and fall forward….

The Ready

It is almost a magic thing when you feel the seasons change. It could be something as small as just a sigh chill in the air, but you feel, you know, the season has shifted and you are ready. And in this moment, of Fall changing to winter, I am ready.

Ready for what is next, to find my new place, live, unpack, make a home, FEEL at home. I am ready for great boots and opaque tights, cool mornings and warm coffee. I am ready for fires and fire places, looking for firewood and hiring the cozy crackle, reading by the warm fire.

I am to ready  flirt, to smile, to laugh. Ready to be kissed, have long conversations and see what comes next. To feel the rush of wonder and hope.

Ready for the bruises to be healed, for faith to be returned, to finally exhale as those baby steps bring me closer, with every beat of a heart. I am ready to shed this skin, jaded as it is, and be new.

I am ready to learn, grow, experience unfamiliar things in unfamiliar places. Ready to see the sunrise for the dawn of a new day. Ready to discover who I am under all this weight that has been carried. Ready to let go and be free of extraneous noise and unfocused light.

Ready to push my body, farther than it wants to go, work it harder than it is willing to give. To go deeper, work harder, be braver, than I have. To wake up with all that is dear, close to me with no distance.

I am ready to pray and have faith. To truly do andbe the best I can. To do all that I can, with faith and singleness of heart. I am ready to be love, wholey, and give myself to the delight of discovering life, and all it’s entrappings. Ready to stay up late reading, curled up on the couch, not wanting to to leave the story. Ready to write pages upon pages of all that is in the story of me.

Ready to have Grace. That’s the hard one. Ready to keep with the 4 agreements, not taking it personally, knowing the reaction is more about them.

And I am ready to live.

Storms With My Dad

When I was a child, my father and I would sit outside during storms and watch the lightning. We always had covered back or front porches, always lived in the country, so you could see the sky for miles. And we would sit out there, sometimes for an hour or more, and watch the lightning dance across the sky. The air would crackle with the electricity of the storms and I would be thrilled to see the beauty play out before my eyes.

Maybe that is from where my life of storms comes, or my desire to capture lightning on film. Because it’s like capturing those memories, as I think of my father every time I see lightning in a storm. And I remember feeling so very special as we sat and watched, my father and I.

It’s these wonderful precious memories I have of my Dad that often make me smile.  I have always been a Daddy’s Girl, and will always be. While my Dad is sick and recovering, it is these memories that somewhat ease the pain I feel.

Never underestimate the  memories someone may have of you. Sometimes the simplest of things will be the best of memories for those you love and who love you. And When I pray at night, for his quick recovery from this last chemo treatment, so many memories come to mind. Indeed, I am a lucky girl.

My Dad, a good storm and two chairs. Yes, that’s the good stuff.

And I am lucky enough to have found a man that my father respects.  That means the world to me. And to my  heart.

 

A Little Look Back

In this world of rush, hurry up and wait, slam it down, cram it in, do it now, bigger is better and faster is best, we get a little rough at the edges. Sometimes we need to take a breath, cherish our memories and just slow down a bit.

This past weekend was that for me. Ever busy, ever checking things off the “to do” list, I took the time to slow down and meet with a dear friend I had not seen in many years. There was catching up, talking, laughing, a little crying, lots of memories and some confessions.

And as I sat there with my friend, I remembered the Me of days past. It reminded me of how both of us had grown and changed in good and bad ways. I saw how in the years I had softened on some things, hardened on others. And it is always comforting to be around someone who knows you, has known you, through all the pretty and ugly. Who knows the truth of you and your history.

Funny thing is that since that visit I have felt more myself than I have in a long time. More confident, happier, lighter and more settled, with just that little reminder, that little look back. Sometimes taking a look over your shoulder is the best thing you can do when figuring out the future.

And sometimes it is also conducive to keeping us grounded in this world where it is so easy to get off track in the rush to fit it all in. Just that gentle visit to say- these things, don’t change, they are great qualities. Because no matter how much time has passed, we always remain, at the heart of it, who we are. We always return to what we know, what is in our bones. Even if we forget, it is never too late to remember.

What is that for me? One word: Truth. No matter what happens in life, if I know the truth, then I can deal with it. Truth is concrete, trustworthy, solid. You can build on truth, it won’t crumble. We get into trouble when the foundation upon what we have built is quicksand. I’ve been caught in that before too, and it’s not pleasant. It’s hard to be settled when the ground underneath is shifting. And we struggle to find footing.

Then we take a little look back. And sometimes, that is where we can find the best footing – To where the to where the truth was and build from there. And that is what I will do – build my life on that solid and fertile ground now that all the untruths have been weeded out. No matter how confusing life can get, a little look back, a lot of prayer and faith, you can find the guidance you need…and make the leap to where your future is waiting. In this life, right now, it’s the new house, my job and career, new chances, new possibilities and… Me.

Hello future, nice to meet you. I have a feeling this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.

The Decisions We Keep

“We all experience doubts and fears as we approach new challenges. The fear diminishes with the confidence that comes from experience and faith. Sometimes you just have to go for it and see what happens. Jumping into the battle does not guarantee victory, but being afraid to try guarantees defeat.” – Brian Goodell, Olympic Gold Medalist

As I sit pout on the screened in porch on a beautiful cool spring night, listening to the crickets and evening sounds, I wonder about the choices we make in life.  What motives us to make the choices we do, take the chances we take to go the directions and take the roads on which we travel? When we have a fork ion the road, what makes us choose one over the other?

And I look around and wonder about the choices that I have made. Why did I buy this house? Obviously, because I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. And when love enters, all reasoning exits. I am a single girl, what am I doing? Why do I need a house this big, with a yard and pool and skylights, and marble floors, and…? And all the little handyman things that need to be done, that I have no idea how to do? Why didn’t I just rent another place?

I believe we  make the best choices we can in that particular moment. No one wakes up and says “I am going to make bad decisions today!” No. We get up, get dressed dressed, brush our teeth, and go out each day to do the best we can, be the best we can and make the best decisions we can. Sometimes we do good. Most of the time actually. Though sometimes not.  And sometimes, we just have to let others think what they want, if that is what is best at that moment.  I think most of why we do what we do, is based on emotions. What we feel at the time. Sometimes emotion must match against reason. And that is where it gets hard. And fuzzy.

And we take risks, if we think it will work out. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. It has so far with this house. And it was huge risk to say the least, when I made the offer. No money really, no savings, no place to live after a certain date, just the sheer belief and faith that it would work. That the third time I bid on this house, everything would line up just as it should. And it did.  I wanted this house because I want a place for my family, for my friend and for my life. A place that is mine, to do with as I please –  to love, live, plant, grow, party…LIVE. I wanted something to pass on, someplace permanent to call home.

And here it is. As I sit and watch the lights through the trees in my backyard.  And I decide to go for it, and see what happens  – with my life. All that I want. And that is a decision to keep. With wobbly knees, and a lump in my throat, I’ll move forward with everything I have dreamed. So, let me live, love, work, kiss, cry, read, write, ride, plant, move, climb, clean…even make mistakes, as best as I can, with my whole heart. Join me, won’t you?

Settling In

It’s very interesting getting settled into a new house. I have moved many times before, but this is different, because this space is legally mine. I am the one solely responsible for it’s care and upkeep. That is thrilling, and a little scary.

Getting settled in a new house is a process, as you and the new space get to know each other. Little things, noises and surprises along the way. Like noticing the beautiful carving on the ceiling at the base of the light fixture in the library. So detailed. And the creaky stair on the way to the bedroom. There are plants in the yard that are starting to grow an bloom, ones I never saw before because they were dormant for winter.

Finding out where all the light switches are and what they control. Finding the outlets, where you need an extension chord, and where you need to move the electronics. Does my ice makeer work? Is it hooked up? The doorbell? Need a new one. And then there is the skylight that leaks and the space next to the wall were the roof seems to leak and well. That needs to get taken care of right away.

And unpacking, figuring where all those things should go. This past weekend the job was to unpack all of my closet – the clothes, shoes, jackets, purses and accessories. Going through all of it, what to keep and what to give away. Those old favorite jeans…that I will never again fit into, unless I get seriously ill and loose, ummmm, a lot of weight.  I think I wore those in high school.

And there is something cathartic about unpacking and settling in. It is claiming your space, nsting and setting things exactly as you want them. Your favorite things by the bed, within easy reach. And your desk the way you want it. The closet, as organized or not as you like. A house, a space that is just yours, just for you. As you like it.

And that’s just the outside! I haven’t even ventures out to the yard yet, and there is so much to do with it. So many places to put flowers and fruit trees to share. I need to get a yard man and a pool guy.

My parents are coming up to help and this is exciting. Mom to help with decorating and planting all the flowers. Dad to help with all the little to do’s and questions. Never underestimate the wonderfulness of parents coming to help with the first house.

And the settling in begins, and unfolds as Ladybug Manor and I become more acquainted. I wonder about the memories that will be made here. All the friends, laughter, wine to be shared, love to be had, tears, good times and security. And a house, those four walls, begins to become a home.

Home Ownership 101

We all have experiences that teach us a lot. And I am going to learn a tremendous amount by being a home. The whole process has been quite an eye opening experience, from dealing with the “haters,” to dealing with a difficult closing (the investors had not discussed how the proceeds from the sale would be divided, and argued about it – at the closing), to the fine art of moving items up stairs. I have been in the house less than a week, and have learned a lot already. Like what, you ask?

Well, like how to fix my own dryer. My dryer had a four –pronged plug, the outlet had three. So this little girl broke out the tool box and re-wire the new plug onto the old dryer. Being a non-mechanical klutz, I was very proud of myself for doing this successfully. I can now dry clothes till my hearts content!

And then I managed to figure out my wireless router and how to get the network back up. Yes, me, who can barely work my iPhone, got the wireless network up, though I am not sure exactly how I did it.

Then there is planting trees. Yes, I have planted a small tree or two on the property…proof that I can indeed use a shovel (no one has found any of the bodies yet, so the tree is proof). The fine art of breaking down boxes is also something very important to learn as well. Tomorrow I learn about how to install a top security system, even better than the one I had. I am also learning about installing TV’s on the wall. I have learned the importance of being able to do these things yourself, because living in one of the worst traffic jam areas in the country, my wonderful guy friends may not always be able to make it to the house.  And it is nice to have friends over when it is just to visit. I have learned that I am very loved and so many are willing to help and to celebrate.

As is meeting the neighbors – how to do it, when to do it and what to say. This may sound very simple and basic – it’s just meeting people. But it is a little more than that when you are a single girl, and requires a bit if finesse. You have to make sure you are friendly, but not too friendly – you want the wives to like you. The kind of girl they want to introduce you to their cute single friend…not the kind of girl they have to keep away from their husbands.

I have learned that I am in a wonderful family neighborhood, where the kids still ride their bikes and climb trees, where the parents play catch in the front yard, and where people know each other. I have learned that this is where I want to be living, because these are my kind of people. And if I have learned that much, and it hasn’t even been a week, imagine how much more I will learn in time.

Never stop learning, growing, experiencing and being curious. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. Always look around and find the next thing to do, see, learn. Life is so big, and I cannot wait!

The Shoulders of Giants

No man is an island. No matter who we are, where we come from, what we do , how successful we are or where we go in life, we could not do it with the help of others.

So to all those who have helped, who have prayed, who have cried with me, who have listen to me, who have carried heavy things. To all those who have made the load lighter, who have lent their hearts, picked up the phone, been there, done that, cheered me on, celebrated the highs and felt the heartbreak over the lows. All those who have sung with me in the rain, helped me relax, shared a glass of wine, discussed dreams, reflected on mistakes, planned the future, smiled at the past. For all of my friends…certainly this week reflects a lot of work and dreams that will finally come to fruition.

So many people have supported me, believed in me, encouraged me and been there for me. My wonderful friends and family. They have let me rest in their safety, and given me the kick in the pants when needed as well. Through it all, they, you, have been my heart and strength. My Faith and will at the center, I have been helped by many.

So much planning, working, dreaming, preparing, manifesting and doing. And finally, it is all coming together; in my personal, professional and writing life. And so for all the good things that are coming, thank you so much. I am here because I have worked, believed, had faith… stood on the shoulders of giants.

The Peace in the Quiet

We often wish we had some time, just some time to slow down and be quiet. To not rush, have a thousand things to do, what if we could just find the time? And now I have it. I am leisurely hanging out, reading, watching movies and writing. Fact is, this break between the old place and the new is a blessing.

This time has forced me to slow down, take a breath, appreciate and catch up. There is enjoying guilty pleasures like writing, catching up on reading blogs, doing exercises I don’t normally have time to do, cook a few favorite things and just enjoying the slow.

It is the Peace in the quiet. And it is delicious. For someone who is normally feel speed ahead, being in the slow lane is wonderful. Indeed it is the calm before the storm before moving and settling into the new place. That will be a bit of work, and excitement. A new chapter in my life and one I have been working toward for a long time…

But now it is time to relax and enjoy the Peace in the quiet. To rest before the next burst of energy comes. and so it goes. and I am happy.

Feel It

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’ – Erma Bombeck

There is a theory about life that I have had for many years. I think that we go about life rather backwards: We go after the job, the money, the house, the car, the partner that looks good on paper, the clothes, the everything of how we want our life to look. We make a list of accomplishments that we want to do and check off our little to do list. We want to run a marathon, or get that promotion, or buy that bug screen TV…and there is nothing wrong with those things. There is nothing wrong with having goals and accomplishing them. We all need something to work for, do and accomplish.

But how we come to what is on that to do list…well, that is a but backwards. Then when we start crossing things off that list, we are surprised if we do not feel different. So how do you make a list that really matters? How do you build a life that really matters and will lead to happiness? Simple. Justask yourself one question: How do you want your life to feel?

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. – Harvey Fierstein

You may wonder what that has to do with anything. The short answer is everything. If you want a happy, fulfilled, useful life, then you go after what makes you feel happy, useful and fulfilled. Don’t go after a particular job title – unless that job is what makes you happy. How many people do you know who are trapped in a job or career that they hate? You may even be one of them. How many people do you know who love their job and can’t wait to get to work in the morning? Far fewer people, I bet. That’s a shame.

So decide what will make you feel the life you want, and go after those things. Don’t worry about what other people might think. They don’t hav eto live your life, you do.  When I decided to go after the life I wanted to feel, there was an amazing shift and change in my life. I knew that being a writer would make me feel what I wanted to feel. Suddenly things got really clear. No, it wasn’t easy. But don’t let the myth that if it’s supposed to be, then it will be easy. That’s not always the case. Things that are worth working for, are often hard. The hard it what makes it great. And if you really want it, then make a commitment to yourself that you will accomplish it and that failure is not an option.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. – George Bernard Shaw

Since deciding how I wanted my life to feel, I have never looked back. Even when I made a mistake, which I have made many, I just backed up, dusted off and got back up. If people laughed at me, and they have, I ignored them. Life is too short to worry about what others think of you.

So go after how you want your life to feel, and feel it, every bit of it. Soak it in. And don’t be afraid to walk away from that which does not fit. Distance yourself from people, places and things that do not follow how you want your life to be. This takes courage, and that is where it might get a little difficult. But keep in mind that removing what does not work or serve you makes you for that which will.  Keep those who support and encourage you close and never take them for granted.

Live life with passion, love, faith and feeling. What are you waiting for?