The 2012 Bucket List

Every year I make a list of goals, things I would like to do, accomplish, both personal and professional.  I also put up a goal board and focus hard on making the year great, “writing the life,” that I want.  This list is  different. This is the 2012 Bucket List.  And it has nothing to do with what needs to be done, only what I want to do for the year. The fun stuff, the reward for all the hard work.  Inspired by reading another blogger’s post (Thanks Lesley!), here is my list of how 2012 will be the best, and most adventurous year yet. Feel free to add suggestions, as the list is never complete.

1. Get certified for scuba diving
2. Go sky diving
3. Go ziplining
4. Go to Barbados and another cruise
5. Get book published
6. Read one book per month
7. Continue belly dancing
8. Belize, Dubia and/or Costa Rica
9. Trips to Denver, the Corolina’s Tennessee, NYC, Iowa
10. Visit a new state
11. Spend a weekend in a cabin in the mountains
12. Cook 1 new recipe a month
13. Run 5 miles
14. Take a photography class
15. Ride in a helicopter
16. Take a hot air balloon
17. Go on an unplanned road trip
18. See the leaves change in Vermont or Connecticut
19. Get another Tattoo
20. Take horseback riding lessons
21. Kiss in the rain
22. Buy one delicous, decedent peice of jewelry

Ambition and Satisfaction

Ambition is defined as a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work. By this definition, I am definitely ambitious. I don’t mind setting a goal, rolling up my sleeves and getting into the dirty, nitty-gritty of what it takes to make it happen. I am extremely driven. But being so driven is both good and bad.

When I set out to be a writer, I worked for 6 months, non stop, 16-18 hours a day, writing, building up my portfolio, working for pennies a word until I had something great to hand over to corporations when I applied for a job.  And I did it. In 6 months I was getting large contracts from some of the biggest companies in the US. But I also just about became a hermit during this time, and my personal relationships suffered a great deal. But I accomplished my goal. And now I am at the salary I wanted, and it is only getting higher (something for which I am extremely grateful), I am very happy with my current contract, and my work is very personally satisfying.

And even now I am searching for more. It seems that no matter what I accomplish, as soon as I reach my goal I want another one. I cannot sit still, I must be working toward another accomplishment. And I have reached every goal I have set. And now as I plan my next year, of what I want to accomplish, do , see and have, I still want more.  And I am impatient with my goals.

I must remind myself that everything takes time, and a good foundation must be given time to set. There must be time to rest and recharge, there must be time to savor and enjoy the fruits of ones labor.

Somewhere there must be a balance between being ambitious and lethargic. But where is it? In a world viewed mainly as black and white, sometimes it is hard to delineate between restful and apathetic, or at least to me. But you cannot live your life in constant forward motion. At some point there must be rest, there must be time to slow down and smell the roses.

Indeed. And I have been slow these last few months and maybe that is why I am so restless and ready to go now. As the new year approaches I am anxious to make up time and space that was lost. Acutely aware of the life and world that is waiting for me, I am eager to return. And when I am tired and tuckered out from all the going, doing, seeing and being, then I will curl up in warm arms and rest. And maybe, in those arms I will find the balance between ambition and satisfaction.

Skydiving and Other Adventures

Around this time of year, as I think about the goals and what I want for the net year, I start to get a little restless.  I think about all the adventures that could happen in a years time…and I want to do them all. Do you ever feel like a life time is not enough time do to all that you want to do?  Sometimes I feel this way. The world is just so big and full of things. But if I can do a few things every year, maybe that will be enough…of course living till I am 150 would help too.

Two things that are being added to the “To Do” list of 2012, along with the getting certified in diving, getting a professional camera, doing more belly dancing, and a lot more travel, I will go skydiving and I will make it to Dubia as well.  2012 is going to be such a busy and great year…and I cannot wait to start it. After all, we must always have goals in our life, we must always stay curious about the world around us, and we must always be willing to experience new things and meet new people if we are to grow in life.

And who says that growth must be a painful experiece?  I think that it can be fun, enjoyable and full of adventure. Sure, a few bad expereiences may happen a long the way, but into everyone’s life a little rain must fall. And love in 2012? Oh, you really need to hold on tight for that one, because that is always an unpredictable adventure. So bring it on, and fasten your seat belts, because 2012 is going to be a hellofaride.

The Best Gift

We all have that one gift that we have been given, that one that just stands out more than any other.  It could be a Red Ryder BB gun, a dollhouse, a whatever that one childhood toy that you always wanted more than anythign else in the world. And throughout the years, it stands out as the best gift. Ever. As I was watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas, because I am a Christmas sap, my mind went back to my childhood and that one gist for me.

I can’t remember how old I was, maybe 8 or 9, but I was very into Barbie Dolls. I loved my Barbie dolls like Ralphie loved his Red Ryder BB gun, maybe even more. My parents have always been craftly people, but that Christmas they surprised even me.  I got up on Christmas morning to the most amazing gift that has been given to me to this day.

There were all these little BArbie clothes laid out…wonderful patterns and modern outfits that were very well made, not like the cheap Barbie clothes you bought in the store…because these clothes, these tiny little clothes hadd been hnad stitched by my mother. Stitches so small a machine could not do them, they had to be done by hand. There were little jumpsuites and dresses made of soft wanderful flowy fabric, wonderful shirts, pants and skirts, all so very well put together and stylish. A thousand stitches by hand, sewn with love.

But that was not all. While some were laid out, others outfits were hung up in a hand made Barbie Doll case taht my father had lovingly made by hand.  This doll case had two drawers, perfect for holding all the shoes, brushes, rings, earrings, purses and whatever other Barbie Doll accessories. It had a litle mirror in it (for the dolls), compartments for storing the dolls, and even a wardrobe area to hang all the hand stitched clothes – and here is the wonderful kicker – the clothes that were hanging in the wardrobe area, were hanging on tiny little hand made wire hangers, that my father had also made for me. And this wonderful hand made with love, one of a kind case had an inscription: To Miss Ada Lamar Burch, with love, from her Daddy.

To this day, after many expensive gifts that have been given to me over the years, this one Christmas, those gifts are the best I have ever recieved. The time and the love it took to make those wonerful things for me make my heart warm every time I see them – and yes, I still have all of the clothes and the case.  I have the best parents in the world. And all my life, that has been the best gift.

 

 

You Who

You Who Has

You who dried my tears and gently bushed the hair away from my face.

You who held me while I sobbed, comforted me in my fear and darkness.

You who has been kind and patient, compassionate and empathetic.

You who has said many words, but has actually shown me through actions.

You who has made me laugh and enjoy little moments.

You who has told me you are not going anywhere.

You who said you can take it, while holding me tightly.

You who has cleansed me of old dirt and crime left from the impurities of others.

You who has shown me that true kindness still exists.

You who tenderly looks at me in the darkness and light and smiles.

You who tells me I am beautiful and worth waiting for.

You who has more integrity and compassion than most can even imagine

You, yes you, you deserve the best of me.

Ada 11/27/2011

Days of the New

This holiday has been great and wonderful. My family has been together and everyone is be is happy and doing well.  My nephews are growing like weeds and all doing well in c school.  My parents are happy and healthy, my father getting the final words on his cancer from Emory next week. There was much laughter, much delicious food, lots of eating, drinking and merriment. We sat out to talk and laugh by the new fire pit. There was taking the boat out and enjoying the beauty of all the nature that surrounds us.

There was putting up the family Christmas tree and telling the stories of all the old ornaments my mother has had and collected for so many years.  We all have our favorite ornaments and we love unwrapping the little delicate creations to find on that we have enjoying looking at in the tree. And this year, there was my guest, who at 6’4” could reach all the high branches the tiniest of ornaments needed to hang.

And he has been an absolute joy on this trip. It has been wonderful to have him here with us and he just fit right in with the family.  It is really this trip where I see how off my judgment was with my ex. But how was I too know that my Ex’s physical presence and energy would be so awful? He did not present himself to be one who had to be in complete control and from the moment he walked in to my home he tried to take over and tell my family what to do, how to do it and when. I had to remind him several times that this is my family and he conforms to us, as I would not ever be so presumptuous as to try to change his family or the way they do things. I think of how This Thanksgiving would Have been with the ex with my family and it would have been unbearable as he would have tries to control every thing.

My guest has been kind and gracious, respectful and has thoroughly enjoyed being around my family, as he says our families are very similar. I look forward to meeting his parents and siblings soon. If they are anything like he is, I will no doubt enjoy them very much.  My guest very much wants to relationship with me, and I think I have made up my mind. I trust my judgment of him.

I did not misjudged my ex at all, I believed him to be what he pretended to be, I trusted that he would tell the truth, and in the process he was able to con me, long distance over the internet. It is easy to pretend you are anything online. I trusted another human being, I took a chance, ended up being a target, but I took the chance. I will be smarter next time, but I release myself form the guilt of not seeing or being smarter. My ex was a consummate con man. I am not his first con, not the first woman he has abused, nor will I be his last.

My guest, I know him. And I like him. And I think I want to see where this goes.

My Father’s Workshop

It has long been one of my favorite rooms, full of mysterious and powerful things. Things that I was never allowed to touch as a little girl. And My father used these things with much craft and skill, Fixing, building, sanding, hammering, making, so many things. The room was my fathers workshop. And at any given time he could be found working on his latest project, the smell of sawdust thick in the air and all over the floor.

Some of my best memories are of working with my father in that workshops, watching his hands shape the wood, or work on metal, fascinated at his skill and precision.  He has a very methodical nature, it goes with is engineering profession. Every single measure exactly exact., every piece expertly crafted and fit together, sanded to the finest point.

My father taught both my sister and I how to do basic maintenance on our cars – how to change a flat tire, how to rotate the tires, change the oil, brake pads, calipers, spark plugs (when cars actually had spark plugs), and such. One  particularly fond memory I have is working on changing my break pads when we discovered one of the calipers was stuck. It started to rain. And there my father and I were, in the rain, drenched, working on this caliper so my car would be safe to drive.

And through the years, through all the cars that we have worked on together, through all the projects and things around the house to be fixed, he has always had the tools needed, stored his workshop. And even now I love to go in and just gaze at all the tools. And I smile, as I do love that place so very much.

Sitcom Moment #533: Thermostat Natzi

Every family has that one thing that someone is just a nut about.  It is the kind of thing in which sitcoms are made because  when you find yourself in those moments, you literally think, This would be really funny if I were watching it on TV.   Many of these moments happened this holiday weekend especially centered around the inside temerature.  There is a running joke in my family about the Thermostat Nazi.  Very similar to the soup Nazi.

It has been this way as long as I can remember. Even as a little girl I remember my father being very possessive of the thermostat. It was only the adults who were allowed to alter the temperature, well actually it was only my Dad. He was the Thermostat.  And somehow he knew if we were just thinking about changing the temperature. He had a sixth sense when it came to that thing, and if we changed it he would appear out of no where faster than a hunting dog on a hot trail.

Always one to have the latest in gadgets, he was one of the first to instal a digital thermostat. He was giddy with excitement as he hooked this new complicated device, this magical instrument that he could program with secret codes that we could not crack, and thus we would no longer be able to change the temperature. And indeed it was a formidable foe, with heat sensors, codes, and zones.  Until one day I discovered that if you breathed on the heat sensor, in essence tricking the new computerized thermostat into thinking it was suddenly 96.8 degrees in the house, it would turn on.

Now, my father is a good man, actually a great man. He is my hero and has taught me about having integrity, being honest, keeping your word, as that is truly the only thing for which a man can be judged. He has built an very successful business on the principles of honesty and integrity, and indeed,  based on his word alone, he can make or break another’s career. But he is obsessive when it comes to that thermostat and the inside temperature.

When he and my mother built the house in which they now live, he made sure to add a very complex thermostat system, with zones, digital sensors all over the house, and even more complex codes.  And as he has gotten o0lder, bless his heart, he has become more and more cold natured. So, it will be 85, yes 85 in the house and he will have a jacket on while the rest of us are melting. And try cooking in a house when the starting temperature is 79…not pretty.

It is the women in my family that have the reputation for being the most stubborn, and this is a trait rarely seen in my father…except with the thermostat. But I have to say that I am very proud of him this year. That even though he was cold, he did, after seven people complained of melting, turn that thermostat down, and kept it down to a comfortable level for most in the house.  And that is one of the many reasons why I love my Dad, the Thermostat Nazi.

Much

There is much to write and post, but it is late. Today was another wonderful day filled with laughter and happiness. I am truly blessed to have such a close family.

Sleeping late is a wonderful luxury, and so easy to do here, as I catch up on rest. This past week has been hectic, but feeling completely caught up on sleep is about one night away. We ate an assortment of gormet cheese and left overs, delicious turkey sandwiches and deserts intil we were all once again in a food coma. Dinner was beyond scrumtious as we ate home cooking fiit for a king. The night was finished off by sitting around a bondfire sipping wine and great conversation.

Tomorrow we are taking the boat out, he and I. Surprisingly, Dad is letting my guest take the boat out – something he does not usually do. But my family likes my guest as there is an ease and innocence about us. He is very intelligent and educated, and my family loves talking with him about literature, history, artitecture….anything but politics really. He knows Shakespeare inside and that is fun as we swap lines from different plays, though he always beats me. It is not often I meet a man who knows more or who can keep up, and he seems to match my intellect and that is exciting.

I am enjoying getting to know him, this guest, as is my family. It is amazing the difference between he and my ex…my ex flat out told my mother he did not like her, talked very roughly to my father and stole money from them. My guest is kind and respectful. As my mother puts it,”He fits.”

We are also putting up the Christmas tree tomorrow, having friends over and grilling out- guest showing off his grilling skills. No doubt a good time will be had by all. Regardless of what happens between he and I, I will remember this Thanksgiving as one of the best, mostly because, all because, of the health and happiness of all those I love, and the wonderful memories being made. I am blessed.

The Best Thanksgiving Ever

There are certain times that are just more special than others.  Certain holidays that are so special and you will always remember them.  This is one of those holidays. As I t and sit and type, waiting for dinner to be ready, I look around the room. Everyone is smiling and there is the low sound of happy chatter.  My family truly loves each other and enjoy each others company. My 2 youngest nephews are so happy to see their oldest brother and they have been inseparable all weekend. My sister, mother and I have laughed more than we have ain a long time, and my guest and my dad have gotten along very well.

There is a happy hum of contenetment, and it feels wonderful.

Ever

This has been the most wonderful Thanksgiving ever.

Special

They say the way to a mans heart is through his stomache, they way to a woman’s heart, at least for me anyway, is through my family. This Thanksgiving is special, because of Dad’s cancer, because of what was last Thanksgiving, because of of who I am bringing, because of so many reasons.

As we drove to the family homestead, we came upon a car accident. We were the first on the scene and we jumped out to check those involed. He went to one car, I went to check on the other. Both were ok, only minor injuries, though the cars looked more serious. It made me think of my own family and how we are right now, on this day, in this moment, this holiday, to all be together. You never know when it will be the last. My own brush with death makes me all too aware of that realization.

So this Thanksgiving, I look around at my family and the ease my guest fits in and am so very Thankful. Life can change in an instant, with a car accident, a violent attack, a diagnosis, any number of things. The fragility of life cannot be forgtten. So be safe and be good to each other.

Peace be With You

One last post before signing off, as I have written much today.  As I go to spend time with family and friends, new and old, I am also taking this as a time of reflection. A new year approaches and I want to clean out the cobwebs. A new year is a fresh start. I cannot lie that while much of 2011 has been great, this last relatioship has taken it’s toll.

There is a process to healing. There is a process to grieving. There is a process to getting over domestic violence and being attacked.  And the process takes time, it is not an instant thing. You cannot write about it once, or even twice and have it magically cleansed from your being.

There are many questions that I wanted answered, now I realize I do not care. Why did he attack me?  Why could I not tell of his terrible temper? was there truly love on his part, or was I simply a conveneint replacement for whatever, or whomever, was his obssession before me? The answers do not matter because they do not change the outcome. I truly do not believe he cared for me, because you do not hit, choke or threaten to kill those you love. You protect them.

And if he truly had feelings for me, then he would have been honest about what he did. H would have accepted responsibility for his actions, Even now. never an appology or even aknowledgement that he did anything wrong. If he was the man I thought he was, first and foremost, he never would have put his hands on me. Second, when he realized what he did, he would have admitted it, faced the charges and entered therapy into for his issues. Just like with an alcohalic, the first step is admitting you have a problem, the second is getting help for it. Real help, professional help, not the Charlie Sheen, self help at your house kind of help.

To hang on to the questions and what the answers may or may not be is not healthy. I must also make peace with my error in judgement. Maybe I just wanted to believe, Maybe he was just a very good con man.

Yes it is a process, this getting-over-it-thing. And one must make peace with the anwers that may not come, the mysteries that will not be solved.  And the next step in the process is simple: Acceptance. It didn’t Work. He did attack me. He may have never loved me and I will probably never get that appology or aknowlegement. And that is OK.

Because the next step after acceptanace…is moving on.

And where there is moving on, there is hope. And life.

So Happy Thanksgiving to one and all. Be safe. Be happy.

Life Lessons: Discovering the New in The Old

In the beginning…yes, those are words with which we are very familiar. And I find myself wondering  what the rest of the story will be. There are many new chapters in my life; a new job, new writings, a new year, and many new possibilities. Through them all I will strive to keep true to myself, to keep reaching, learning and striving to better every day. There is an friend who is helping me along the way. Well, many who are helping actually, but one in particular. And this begs the question, if we already know the person, can it be new?

There is already a level of comfort and trust, already a knowledge of each other and already a comfort that has been established. We are spending Thanksgiving together, with  my family and I wonder how this will be. I wonder what we will learn. In this day and age of the newest is the best, bigger is better and flashy is king, can we actually learn from something , or someone that is not new?

Yes I think so. It is our job in life to alwasy be learning and growing. And this person is helping me see things that I had long forgotten, about trust, about fear, about opening up, about grief, about all of this that is relevant in life. And I am happy for the reminder.

I am also being reminded of the simple little things to enjoy about a man and a woman. Not from a sexual standpoint, but a place much deeper – the wonderful comfort a woman can feel being close to a man, to someone who cherishes her and thinks she is beautiful. Yes, indeed I was told for the first time in a long time, that I was beautiful. Not hot, as most men say, but beautiful. In a moment when there was no make up, no attractive lighting, no hair that was fixed, just me. And to be appreciated on that basic level, was a very nice reminder.

And as I have cried there have been whispers of comfort, of friendship, of compassion, understanding and encouragement. And quietly, ever so quietly, my fears are dissipating. Like the Pink Floyd song, I am (re)learning to fly. Marilyn Monroe once said “If you cannot take me at my worst, then you do not deserve me at my best.” He is teaching me that she was right.

He has brought back the human element to spending time with another.

And the little things of watching TV or movies on the couch snuggling are what he is reminding me of as well.  Talking during commercial breaks, laughing at the same thoughts or trying to figure out which TV remote controls the volume. A newness is growing out of a friendship that has existed. There is nothing to hide, we both know of each others past struggles and he brings an extreme amount of compassion and dignity to the table. He is highly educated and we often have very philosophical conversations about life, love, religion and of where we are going from here. Yes, we could talk for hours and often do.

And gently, ever so gently. And I wonder if this is what was meant when it was said that learning to let go and letting someone in is a beautiful thing?  And gently, ever so gently, he is patient. He knows I need time to go slowly, so slowly. When asked if my need for slow bothers him, his answer is a simple one, and one I believe. There is plenty if time. No one needs to rush because time is on our side.

I do not know where it may lead, I do not pretend the outcome. I can simply say that right now I am enjoying the lessons he teaches and am taking notes. In life, it is the learning and relearning of lessons that keep us growing, humble and thankful.

My Thankful List

That for which I am thankful

As the famous dinner approaches, and as the end of the year draws near, I am left to reflect on the past twelve months. It has been quite a ride, quite an adventure. It  has been full of magic discoveries, heartache, happiness, hope frustration, kindness, anger, compassion. I have felt every emotion possible this year, I have felt them drinking wine and sharing in my best friends house. Eating copious amounts of cheese dip at my favorite Mexican restaurant, I have felt them over long talks and phone conversations, in loves and losses, in my travels and my failures, in my victories, losses, blessings and, mostly, entirely, completely, I have felt them in my heart.

And this year, I have a long list to be thankful for, mostly because, all because, they have carried me through the dark and made the light much brighter.  My list of things for which to be thankful:

Being alive: It may sound cliché and trite, but after having had someone try to kill me, and being made very aware of my own mortality, I am thankful for every breath I take, every day. I am even thankful for the bad days, the  bad moments, the tears, because they mean so much that I am alive, That he did not kill me, that my neck, while still sore and needing medical attention, is still capable.

My Life: Again, not too sound so predictable, but even t=with the bad moments in this year, my life is truly amazing.  I still have bad moments, confusion and anger still creep in, but all in all, especially when I could have lost so much more, I cannot complain.

My Faith: My faith in God and His grace has seen me through more than I can even fathom. He continues to bless me with His Grace every day, with every little bit that I heal. He brings wonderful people in my life who make it a batter place, He is the reason I am strong and can and did survive. It is also my faith that allows me to still trust, to still love, to still believe in the wonder of the human spirit as battered as it may be.

My Parents: I have been made very aware of how lucky I am to have the parents I have.  To have been given a wonderful childhood where all I knew was love and freedom. Where I still can go, to hear their voices, to feel their arms around me, to know their love reaches me, in the places where nothing else can, deep inside, and that I am never without it. To know that there is never anything that can take that love away.

Also I am thankful for my parents relationship and love for each other.  To be able to see and feel and know they love and respect they have for each other. To have it a tangible thing, an example for me and my life, hopes and dreams for a partner. To see them love each other and treat each other in such a loving way, and to know that this, what they have, is what I want and deserve.

Health: Not only my own but that of my loved ones. My father having been diagnosed and treated for liver cancer, now is deemed to be healthy again. We are optimistic, but cautious still.  My mother went through her fight with stage 4+ Ovarian cancer 10 years ago and is still in good health, even though she still smokes like a chimney.  Stubborn and feisty, she will outlive us all cigarette in hand.

My Career and my job: I still get the biggest thrill to be able to say that I am a writer.  To know that every day I get not only to write, but get paid to write, is the most amazing thing to me.  I did it. I, with luck hard work and a lot of prayer and faith, have the career I only dreamed of having. And the company for which I work holds it’s employees valuable. To be appreciated and held in high regard with my peers is on honor.

My friends: I truly have the best friends in the world, and this year has shown be just how lucky and blessed I am to have these wonderful people in my life.  They support me, love me, put up with me,, laugh with me, never at me (or at least they make sure I am OK after the lasted fall before they laugh at me). And they are my heart. My life would be a dark and barren place without their love and kindness.

For him: I am thankful for hima nd his comfort and for what he is teaching me.

Let the Madness Ensue!

It is that time of year again, that mad, mad holiday season.  And the mad dash begins, at least for me, to get everything done in time and on time.  OK, so I am perpetually late for everything, so who am I kidding about the on time part? But one can always hope.

Today I am working. I came in early so I could leave early, and I will make a mad dash to the grocery store, then home to clean and pack for the weekend trip, and get everything ready for my weekend company as well. A I am going out of town, some good friends are coming in to town and will be staying at my place.  Clean sheets and towels need to be placed, as well as instructions for the new security system, along with making sure everything they need is available.

There is vacuuming, dusting, picking up, litter box duty, making sure all dishes are done and a thousand other little details to see to so that there stay is comfortable. Then there is all I need to do to pack and get ready for the trip. The car, the coolers, the plants, the everything else. Getting my nephew situated. Getting to bed early and getting up at the crack of dawn, hitting the Waffle House for coffee and hitting the road.  The crowd at the family homestead will be a large on this year and there will be much laughter, wine, tears, love and memories shared. And lots of pictures.  I am the unofficial family photographer and I will make sure there are plenty of candid shots taken.

After gobbling up all the turkey, there will be the mad dash for the holidays…the shopping, the parties, the dresses, the pictures, the hobnobbing, the traffic, the decorations, the wrapping, the lights, the carols, the music, hot chocolate, the stockings, the stocking stuffers, the family, the cooking, the baking, the eating, wonderful deliciousn everything of it all.

So let the madness ensue!

Travel

Travel, it has been a goal for a long time, and for many of us it remains an ongoing goal. Always working toward the next trip, figuring out where to go and what to do.  The new  cultures, new people, new sights, smells, sounds and more. Yes indeed traveling can be intoxicating.

The new year is looking to be quite exciting in the area of travel. Now that I opened the door t and joined some wonderful travel clubs, I am getting ready to put many stamps on my Passport. Oh, those member ships were expensive, but the memories they bring in being able to travel very well all over the world is priceless.  There is another trip to Barbados planned. I fell in love with that country and it’s people.  And next year, when I return, there will be no bruises on my body, I will be hiding no injuries or in any pain, or on any pain medication.

There is also a trip to Belize planned. Such a beautiful country as well, and I hope to dive in the great blue whole. Getting certified in diving is a must and the excitement I feel is almost tangible. My family has friends in the government there, as well as many friends other friends there, so the stay is bound to be enjoyable.

A trip to Australia is a possibility as well. I have always wanted to go, and when the chance opportunity came around, I grabbed it. Still waiting to see if the time on that one will work, but keeping my fingers crossed.

There are smaller trips to be made in the next year as well.  Trips to Colorado to see friends, a trip on my best friends house boat.  Trips to the Carolina’s , Savannah, Tennessee (want to go to Nashville again, and maybe visit Knoxville). A trip to Vegas (though I may be getting too old to visit that city of no sleep, and I always seem to get into trouble there). There also maybe trips to Finland for work, or possibly Switzerland.  Really keeping my fingers crossed for those.  Also a slight chance at Brazil…Oh the adventures!!

So with any luck, this girl of Wanderlust will see more of the wonderful, beautiful world in the coming year.  I think I may need a bigger suitcase.

This Sassy Girl

The word Sassy is defined in the dictionary as distinctively smart and stylish. The Urban dictionary defines the word sassy as someone possessing the attitude of someone endowed with an ungodly amount of cool. Fun, daring, sexy, multifaceted, someone you have to have! The urban dictionary also defines my name as a Word used to describe a sexy vixen who is usually bitingly witty and hard to catch. (can also be used as a noun). And we know that if it is online or in the urban dictionary, it must be true!

The title of my blog is a Sassy Girls Guide to a Life of Wanderlust. And as silly as it sounds, for a little while I forgot that that meant. For a little while, I forgot how to be Sassy. This may not seem like a big thing, but to me it is huge. I have always not only been sassy, but spirited and feisty. There are those who think that being a sassy feisty girl is a bad thing…but those are the people who want to  control others. For the sassy, feisty, high spirited crowd cannot be controlled and we follow no one; we would rather make our own trail, thankyouverymuch.The people who cannot handle or understand this will walk away, criticizing, saying words of ugliness, hatefulness, or spite. And that is OK. We feisty people cannot be bothered. We will not tolerate those who are mean or unjust. We just simply…leave.

But for those who can take it, the adventure and the mystery, and can hold on tight, what a wonderful ride. When you take a ride with one of us sassy, feisty folks, you will see the world in a whole new light. The secrets that are shared, the adventures had, the love that grows, the whole experience, will be thrilling. And the beauty of this world, of truly being free, of a soul and heart that is free, is a wondrous thing.

Being Sassy, Feisty, high spirited is truly a beautiful thing as well.  We make our own rules, we go our own ways. Does that mean that we never settle or even slow down? No, not at all. We do. Remember Black Beauty? You can never tame a free heart with cruelty. No, we will decide with whom we ride; the others left pale in the dust. And that is the key to a sassy girls life.

Anniversary

44 years ago yesterday they got married and have been together ever since.  They are both  my hero’s and truly my example of what it means not only to be married, but how to make it work.  Neither one of them are without faults, they are human. But one of the wonderful things about being an adult is being able to see your parents in all their human-ness and love them anyway.

I wear my mothers wedding ring, as a reminder of their love for each other, of the bonds of family, of how deep a true love can go, that a wonderful happy marriage can exist, and that good men are out there.

So to my wonderful parents, who serve as my example of how to be a fine human being, I love you and wish you many more happy years together.  When I get married, I can only pray to be as happy as the two of you.

How Deep is Your Love

It has been written about for as long as there has been written language. For centuries we have tried to define it, measure it and quantify it  Shakespeare  wrote about it and it is the subject of countless movies, books, songs and plays.

Someone once asked me to define the depths of my love.  My answer was simply it is deep enough. And when you think about it, the depth of love simply cannot be defined as we have nothing to measure it.  We can compare the depth of love, ei. deep as the ocean. Trying to define the depth of love is like trying to define the depth of the human soul. There simply is nothing in this world capable of it’s measure. It is like trying to define the scent of a rose or the depth of a lover’s sigh, the  depth of the moon’s glow, andit  cannot be defined by a writer such as I. It simply is. And even in my description, it is still not defined, only held in comparison. It simply is. And it is deep enough.

And why is this? Why can we not measure the depth of someone’s love?  Another very good friend of mine very simply said that to define something is to put limitations on it, and the depths of love has no limits. It is unquantifiable, immeasurable. It is only as deep as the givers soul, only as deep as the receiver can accept.

It’s On

There are many times that I do the Happy Dance.  When I got offered the new position where I now work, when I got a raise, when I discover any number of great things durin ghte  day.  Now I am doing the Happy Dance again…why?

Because I will not be hosting the family Thanksgiving Dinner!  Don’t get me wrong, I lvoe my family and I lvoe to cook. Hwoever, my 3 bedroom 2.5 bath townhome is just does nto have enough room for the entire family, and the pets, the the food, and the extra company. So, we will all be haeding down south this Thanksgiving…and I will only be responsible for briinging my guests there safely. My parents place (or the compound as we call it), it much better suited for the 10+ people we are lined up to have dining with us this year.

And really, no one wants to see this clumsy girl in the kitchen all day long with sharp objects…nothing good could come of that.

And this Thanksgivig, I have so much to be thanksful for, which will be another blog coming…

What Defines a Relationship

Spending time together, mutual interest, laughing, going out, strengthening a bond and liking are all things present in a relationship.  As I am healing from my last relationship and stating that I am not ready to be in another, I wonder…what defines a relationship? And when it comes to relationships, does the dictionary even apply?

It makes sense to define exactly what it is that I am indeed not ready to do. To some this may seem like a silly, but to me it seems like a natural question to ask. And the answer also seems to vary depending on who is asked.  Do men and women view what makes a relationship differently? There have been many books written on that topic. I think so.

For instance, is it the amount of time you spend with someone makes it a relationship? Or is it the amount of romantic interest (and that it is mutual)? What is the man takes you out on dates? What if you always stay in and hang out? And what about sex?  I know plenty of men, and several women even, who say that just because you have sex does not mean you are involved in a relationship with that person.  Others (including myself) have said that if you sleep with someone then you are dating.

Others still say it is the length of time you are with that person that makes it a relationship, while others say whether it is or not you are exclusive that determinesthe relationship status. Or is it simply to be defined by the two people involved? Then there is the whole issue of making sure the person you think you are in a relationship with actually has the same definition you do. And if two people disagree with what  make it a relationship…does that mean it is or isn’t? One thing is for sure, this relationship creature is an enigma. How can we commit to something when we are not even sure what it is?

Maybe, it would be better instead to say exactly what it is I am not ready for, and what I am. I am ready to have someone to spend time with, a person who I like and who likes me. I am ready to be held and cuddled, to have big strong shoulders to cry on when I get scared, feel sad or have a another night mare. I am ready to have someone gently show me I can trust them…and who will not be put off by my caution. I am ready for someone to think I am amazing (and of course I am ). I am ready for someone to spoil me for a while, and let me rest emotionally. I am ready to be safe. And I am ready to be kissed. I am ready for slow, deep, passinate kisses that take your breathe away. I am ready for slow dancing, and the Tango. I am ready for footrubs and back rubs. I am ready to feel and arm around me.

I am not ready to try to trust someone new. I am not ready and simply do not have it in me to deal with trying to figure out if someone is sincere or just looking to get laid. I do not have the time to deal with fake this or that, or to find that  someone I really like, likes and is dating 7 other girls. Am I ready for sex? The hormones say yes, the emotions say no. And I am not ready for a bad ending. I am used to nice endings, as most of my ex’s are good friends now. The last relationship ended horribly, and with no expression of sorrow or remorse for what he did, I must accept the fact that he has none, or he would have expressed it by now. I relaly just do not want to go through another bad ending.

Am I ready to fall in love?  Who is not ready to fall head over heals, knock your socks off, make your heart beat faster, in love? I guess what I am not ready for is the process it takes to get there. After the last and what happened, maybe I am just happy to stick my toe in the water for now. After all, the ocean is not going anywhere, and neither is the dictionary.

Oh Christmas Tree!

Oh Christmas Tree, it has been so long since I have seen your wonderful branches!  For those of you who know me, you may or may not know the whole thing I have with Christmas, or my wonderful, beautiful Charlie Brown Christmas tree. IT is called that because it is a bit old (bought in 1992) and it leans a little. Yes, to most it would be time to toss the tree, but I just love it.  I cannot get rid of this little thing. I actually think of it more as the Velveteen Tree…you know, it is so old and loved that most of it’s “fur” is missing.

And decorating my tree, that leans to the side ever so slightly, is a big tradition. I there is much cheese, as in cheesy traditions. Yes, there are Christmas corals that are played, eggnog, hot chocolate, a fie in the fire place…the whole thing.  I put the tree together, put the lights on it, then commence with the decorations.  I have a ridiculous amount of ornaments, especially for a tree that small.  But I can’t help it, decorating the tree was always be big deal in out family. So I dig out all the wonderful, sparkly, ornaments.  There is the Kneeling Santa, The Grinch, a wide assortment of angels, many that my mother gave me or passed on to me from my childhood, there are ornaments that were gifts and others I bought while traveling around the world. All of them are loved.

And my cats do not mess with the tree…except for one cat, Taz the Spaz, but he has since been relocated. He would actually get a running start on his assault of the tree…and fly into it. I have never seen anything like it before.

So tonight, my C will help me put it up, then we will snuggle on the couch and admire it’s awesomeness.

Weekend Up Date

Wow. The weekend was wonderful and full of friends, family, cooking, an ex, and possibly some new romance.

I called a wonderful ex of mine to please come over and stay so he has been there since Thursday. I cooked for him, one of my best friends and my nephew.  It was great having such a group of wonderful, happy people talking as I was preparing the food. I love cooking for the people I love and taking care of them. I love taking care of and serving others.  I think that is one of the many reasons I will make a good wife and partner.

Saturday was  mixture of relaxing, wonderful and exciting…which I will post more about later.

Sunday was actually the day of rest as my ex/bodyguard lounged around the couch and watched TV. I cooked dinner for him and then we snuggled on the couch. We talked a lot of many things, but nothing in particular. I have slept better and sounder since he has been staying with me. He is 6’4” and with very broad shoulders, and pretty much is a total badass. I love a tall man, and he makes me feel very safe.  I cried as he held me, he has been wonderful, and says he will stay as long as I want him to. It has been a long time since I let someone that close to me…and it did not feel strange, it felt very nice. I would like him to stay for a while.

Tonight we are putting up the Christmas tree. He says he will wait for me, until I am ready to be in a relationship, that I am an amazing and remarkable woman, and that he is “at my dispoasal” for whatever I need, whenever I need it. He says he is not going anywhere and that I can count on him. I have much to work on before I feel I can be good in a relationship. There is a part of me that just wants to jump in and seize the moment.  There is another, probably wiser part of me that knows I am not ready.  It is not fair to drag another person down with my baggage from the last relationship.  What man wants to deal with that?

I was told that someone bought my wedding dress.  I hope it brings them happiness.  It’s such a beautiful dress, it should be worn on the happiest day of someone’s life.

The new addition to the family…needs some socialization. He is a great guard dog but thinks almost every stranger should be attacked. And I swear he has the biggest head I have ever seen. He is very intimidating.

I have decided to write less about my personal life on this blog and more in general terms and theories.  I am setting up a new blog, privately hosted, for the good stuff. This is mainly due to the fact that the police think my crazy ex read something on this blog that enraged him and that is why he went off with all the crazy threats.

Today is a busy day, flying on a private jet may be involved. I love my life.

Segmented Thoughts

Listing

Every family has their own holiday tradtions and one that my family always does is the Chrsitmas list, and it is a rule that you stick to what is on that list when you are purchasing for a member of the family. That is unless you know that person will absolutley love something that is not on that list, but that is the only exception – if the person collects certain items or has a favorite sports team.

This long standing famiy tradition was started after a Christmas gift giving mishap. It was the 80’s when big hair, bigger boom boxes and leg warmers were in style. Solid Gold was on TV and break dancing was the latest hit in pop culture. Somehow, my mother thought I would love to learn how to break dance. I hated break dancing. It was the largest Christmas gift under the tree, and I saved it for last. And what to my wondering eyes did appear, but Alfonso’s Break Dancing Kit – Oh Dear!! Yes, Alfonso, or Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bell Air, as most know him. It is a little known fact that he was a break dancing sensation back on the 80’s.

Now we make lists.

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Regret
As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do. – Zachary Scott

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. – C. S. Lewis

I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end. – Drew Barrymore

Regret is defined as to Feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done. I have long said that I do not have any regrets, they are a waste of time. They are things that cannot be undone so why waste your time. Mistakes are one thing, regrets are another.

I received an email today from a man who sells Breitling watches. I had contacted him about buying one for my now ex  fiance. My ex collected watches and I thought  it would make a great gift for our first Christmas.  I asked the shop owner to contact me a bit before Thanksgiving so I could have time to engrave it and send to Afghanistan. It is funny how our past catches up with us. Funny the things you forget.

Someone asked me recently if I regretted getting involved with my ex. I don’t know. I have never regretted anything, because those things that happened in my life, even the bad, have made me into a finer, stronger, better person. But the decision to get involved with this man has been so costly – and not from a monetary. The emotional cost has been greater than any amount of money lost. But do I regret?

Can we ever truly regret loving someone? To give love is a gift, even if it is not received well. We have no control over the actions of another, and the true definition of love is giving it without any expectation of getting anything in return. So I don’t know that I can say I regret giving love to another human being, I cannot say I regret having the ability to love another with all my heart. That was truly a joy. Maybe would be more accurate to ask if I regret who I gave love to? Again I do not know the answer to this question.

I told my friend to ask me in a year, after time and space has healed much and objectivity has had a chance to set in. Maybe the secret to regret is simply taking the time to know if the cost was worth the experience.

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Work

It is well known that I love being a writer, it is truly what I was born to do as  career. I am very fortunate to be able to make a good living doing what I love. And I have a great job working for a great company. A software company that needs a lot of technical writing, marketing and SEO copywriting. The people are great, the company very well structured and a lot of fun as well. They have beer in the fridge, a pool table in one of the conference rooms, provide free cokes, snacks and yogurt and bagels in the morning.

I am very thankful for the opportunities I have been given and the life I am able to have.

Big Anouncement

I have been getting a lot of questions recently…questions concerning the comments of a new addition to the family, my tummy bothering me, being dizzy, buying a house for children and such. Many people have been curious as to the reason and some have even asked me outright. So here is the official announcement.

For the record…No, I am not pregnant. Did not realize some things I had written could give this impression. Sorry for the confustion. There were a couple health issues, but they have turned out to be nothing serious.

To be honest, my love life has been rather boring, as there has only been one this entire year. I loved him and was faithful. I know, I am such a crazy rock star living a wild and scandalous rock star life. And that number will stay at one for the year, as I am not looking to jump into bed with anyone. I am a relationship kind of girl, always have been, always will be.

My plan is that if I have not found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with in the next few years, then I will have a baby on my own. That is why I am looking for a house to purchase in the not so distant future and why I know I will raise my children there (not because I am currently expecing). I hope to be married first, as I believe that a child deserves to be raised with both parents. And honestly, while I am a very independant woman, I do not want to be alone during that time. I want to expereince the miracle of being pregnant with my husband. I want him to feel the baby kick, to be able to run out and get things for my cravings, to expereince all the wonderful and not so wonderful things and all the tender moments that go with it. I do not want to be pregnant by myself. But I am not afraid to do it alone either.

So there it is. I am single, hopeful, not pregnant and looking for love…just like a million other women out there. And that is the big announcement.

Comfort Food

Fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, pasta ,with thick cream sauce, home made soups and chili’s, meat loaf, pork chops with all the fining, ice cream, chocolate anything,…oh yeah! They are comfort foods and when we are stressed we love to eat. Especially when it is stick to your ribs, can’t get enough, finger linking good. It is comforting. And maybe that is why it is called comfort food. Really how can anyone not feel better when smacking on a big bowl of Mac N Cheese?

And I have been doing a lot of that lately. I swear I have been eating ever bit of fast food, junk food, anything but healthy food for about the last 2 weeks. Oddly enough I am losing weight too, which goes against every law of physics on the universe when it comes to the amount I have been eating. I am not complaining mind you, actually rather enjoying it.

But why are these super rich, super bad for you foods considered comfort foods? I think it is because they are things that a mother would fix for you and tell you to eat. Think of that Italian mother who is always cooking and always trying to feed her children. Food, it is the universal comforter. Breaks through every language barrier, ever border, every nationality. We all understand the comfort of food, just like Mama made.

Comfort food makes us feel a bit like we have that Italian Mama right there, telling us we need to eat, we are getting too thin (who doesn’t love to hear that?), that we need and extra helping. And who are we to argue with Mama? And so as the holiday season approaches, I am surrounded by all the comfort food I could want…both from restaurants and from my own mother’s kitchen, cooked with love. And who could ask for anything more? Except for another serving please.

Danger, Danger

The new alarm system is installed, survaliance cameras too, inside and out. Tthe new addition of the family arrives tomorrow. A pit bull. Trained. My gun loaded. At first I thought I was going a bit overboard, with all this security stuff. But the ex can’t seem to let it go. He is making new threats now against me and my safety…to get me back and show the world who I really am.

Serioulsy??

My friends are very scared for me. I am scared too. Choking me, threatening to kill me and robbing me is not enough?

Now I understand what his ex in laws meant. Wow.

At first I didn’t understand the danger of someone being truly obsessed. Now it scares the crap out of me. I cannot even imagine that kind of imbalance. Why can he not let this go? Why can he not just move on? Why can he not accept the fact that it just did not work out between us and move on?

I just want to be left alone. I just want to put this whole thing behind me. I could have taken further action in court, but I have not done so. Maybe that was a mistake and I should reconsider.

In the end, what makes an unbalanced obsessed person leave you alone? The law? A loaded gun pointed at them when they break into your home? A straight jacket when they are put in an institution? How far does it have to go for him to move on and leave me alone?

Holy Thanksgiving Batman!

Every year it has been a tradition, that the family goes to Mom and Dad’s for Thankgiving. Not this year. This year it has been decided that I host the family dinner to gove Mom and Dad a break. They will be up anyway for Dad’s post cancer check up, so why not have a holiday dinner as well?

So it will be Mom and Dad, and my sister, and my 3 nephews, and a couple friends. And the 2 cats and the dog. Nomake that twp dogs as my sister will bring hers as well. If I wasn’t so tired and the tummy was’t giving me fits I jjust might have a panick attack.

It is going to be an adventure.

In Demand

Single must look good on me because recently many have asked me out, mush to my surprise.  And oddly enough, it is when I think I look the worst. Like at the grocery store with no make up and my hair barely combed…two men flirted with me.  Several men at work have asked me out.  If only I dated co -workers. And the compliments have been rolling in. What a nice surprise.

While I am still not ready to date just yet, I am happy for the compliments. Yes, even in my comfy pants, with no make up and hair a mess, I still got it…or the men flirting with me are just blind. But I prefer the former.

And I am happy to know that I do not have to accept all the invitations. There are enough for me to be picky. And they are just dates, it’s not like I have to marry any of them tomorrow. I can just enjoy the flattery.  For now I am enjoying the simplicity of being in demand.

So love this song, video and dance scene. What are the chances that I could convince one of the men flirting with me at the grocery store to dance with me down the frozen food isle? Or maybe I should just take a ballroom dancing class instead of belly dancing?