One last post before signing off, as I have written much today. As I go to spend time with family and friends, new and old, I am also taking this as a time of reflection. A new year approaches and I want to clean out the cobwebs. A new year is a fresh start. I cannot lie that while much of 2011 has been great, this last relatioship has taken it’s toll.
There is a process to healing. There is a process to grieving. There is a process to getting over domestic violence and being attacked. And the process takes time, it is not an instant thing. You cannot write about it once, or even twice and have it magically cleansed from your being.
There are many questions that I wanted answered, now I realize I do not care. Why did he attack me? Why could I not tell of his terrible temper? was there truly love on his part, or was I simply a conveneint replacement for whatever, or whomever, was his obssession before me? The answers do not matter because they do not change the outcome. I truly do not believe he cared for me, because you do not hit, choke or threaten to kill those you love. You protect them.
And if he truly had feelings for me, then he would have been honest about what he did. H would have accepted responsibility for his actions, Even now. never an appology or even aknowledgement that he did anything wrong. If he was the man I thought he was, first and foremost, he never would have put his hands on me. Second, when he realized what he did, he would have admitted it, faced the charges and entered therapy into for his issues. Just like with an alcohalic, the first step is admitting you have a problem, the second is getting help for it. Real help, professional help, not the Charlie Sheen, self help at your house kind of help.
To hang on to the questions and what the answers may or may not be is not healthy. I must also make peace with my error in judgement. Maybe I just wanted to believe, Maybe he was just a very good con man.
Yes it is a process, this getting-over-it-thing. And one must make peace with the anwers that may not come, the mysteries that will not be solved. And the next step in the process is simple: Acceptance. It didn’t Work. He did attack me. He may have never loved me and I will probably never get that appology or aknowlegement. And that is OK.
Because the next step after acceptanace…is moving on.
And where there is moving on, there is hope. And life.
So Happy Thanksgiving to one and all. Be safe. Be happy.