Here is a piece from a blog I follow. When I read this it resonated deep inside me and wanted to share. The link to her site is http://nissiknows.wordpress.com.
So…who am I?
The question in itself is very loaded so we will break this down. The first thing you should know about me is that I am a beautiful, talented woman created perfectly just as I am. I may not always feel like it…but I am. I had to believe this to get comfortable in my own skin. Take note I did not say I understand it. I just know and believe I am.
I think sometimes we women can get so caught up in trying to be perfect, that we forget we already are perfection, in ourlseves. Her post reminded me of that today. I am a beautiful talent woman created perfectly just as I am. Rinse. Repeat.
A year is 365 days, or one complete rotation of the earth, in which the four seasons are completed. And it is now, today, 21 years since my nephew was born. From the moment he came to our family, he and I had a bond. It is hard to explain, it just has always been. I spent a lot of time with him when he was younger, babysitting, taking him on trips, changing diapers, drying tears, feeding, bathing, reading to him. His first stuffed animal, The Gwummy, as he named it, was an irresistible purchase made with love. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, that thing has been loved till it’s ragged.
Through his childhood and teenage years, even while I was living in another state, I we would write to each other, though I would write more than he did. And that was OK. Children don’t often write letters but I always wanted that relationship open. And in high school when he was thinking about colleges, I suggested he come to Atlanta. And to my delight, he did.
And through the last 3 years I have been so blessed to have been able to watch him grow and develop into the very fine young man that he is today. He is young, but he tries with all his heart, he feels deeply, though he doesn’t often express it. He has honor and integrity, qualities that are so rare these days. He is brilliant. I often tease that maybe by sitting next to him some of that intelligence might rub off on me. We have great long conversations about theories of quantum physics, mechanics and such. I cannot understand the math behind them, but he explains the theories quite well and the conversations are enjoyable. He has been a wonderful blessing, and my life has forever been enriched and changed because of him. I am not only proud to call him my nephew, but proud to call him my friend.
And I look forward to watching him set the world on fire with his talent, intelligence and humor.
Relationships can be tricky. They are slippery little devils. Yet we are all searching for them. Without relationships we would surely die of loneliness. We have a need for companionship and company. We seek relationships with friends, lovers, children, parents, co workers, just to name a few. I have, said that I am not ready for a romantic relationship, that I have nothing to give to another, that I am still too tender. But today, I have a different thought.
It seems like a natural transition, to move into a relationship with the man, as he is patient and kind. We already know each other; he has seen me crying, puffy eyed, red nosed, tear stained, in my worst sweat pants and t-shirt, and still said I was beautiful. He has shared details about himself and his life that are not shared easily and that is appreciated. He has held me and helped me while I heal and put the pieces of myself and my life back together. He has spent time with my family, he has sat patiently watching chick flicks and my favorite TV shows, and has introduced some new favorites to my viewing schedule. And he helped avert a major set back Saturday night. He has opened up his house to me and let me know, kindly, gently, that his time is for me as is his affection.
And I am ready.
At some point we must give in and give up. And I give in. Yes, that may just be a first for me. I try to be practical, sensible, methodical. But there are times when you need to relax just a bit, and let your gaurd down, trust a little and see what happens. Who knows where it will lead or how long it may go, but for now that is not for either of us to worry. For now let me, let us, just enjoy basking in the affection of someone who truly likes, who truly respects, who understands what it means to be a free spirit full of wanderlust and curiousity.
My Lover’s chest
is the perfect pillow
for which to lay my head
to feel a heartbeat, strong and true
to take the walls down and rest.
My lover’s chest is the warmth of a soul
a place of safety
to lay my troubles down
and have a tear wiped away
replacing what another stole.
My Lover’s chest is a happy place
where laughter lives
and late night talks
and where I nuzzle the chest hair
soft on my face.
My lover’s chest is where I sleep
warm, secure, safe and sound
where nothing can harm me
a place that envelopes me
and where my heart will keep.
My Lover’s chest is Heaven sent
reminding me of all the love
all the kindness in the world
that is right at my fingertips
it is comfort and contentment.
This weekend has been wonderful, full of ripe moments of family, friends, love, laughter and warmth. My Mother, Father, Sister and Nephew all here to visit. My father has his )hopefully last) treatment for liver cancer, my nephew is turning 21 today, and my sis is up to help celebrate. And this entire weekend has been a celebration.
It started Friday as The Man and I spent great time together.Easy, fun and we discussed all that was ahead. This experience has been delicious. We went to dinner and had a good time laughing and listening to live music. When back at my place I cleaned the house getting ready for my family’s visit, as he relaxed and kept me entertained. Time snuggling on the couch after housework was a great reward for everything being done.
The Man on Dad's Boat, Thanksgiving
I find I truly enjoy “playing house” so to speak. It may sound very 1950’s, but I do enjoy cooking, and even cleaning, when someone else is around the house, feeling the happy hum of contentment. I love making my house comfortable and enjoy whipping about while he relaxes. I have been on my own, self-sufficient, self-reliant and independent for so long, it is nice to do something just for the pleasure of someone else, or just in their company. He seems to delight in watching me too. He smiles when I trip over the cats, or the vacuum cleaner chord, or whatever, as I am so very clumsy. He laughs at the fact that I may already be plotting to steal his socks (as I have previously written, I have a thing for mens socks). He tells me I am adorable and beautiful, which of course, I love to hear. I am enjoying the ease, comfort and trust with which we move. And I trust him.
We talk of the future, how it is to be taken slow, but how we hope it leads to something. He and I have known each other for quite a while. He is patient with me. He knows I am a bit delicate now, and respects it. Somehow he knows how to encourage steps forward without taking advantage of my vulnerability. I hear his words “There is plenty of time,” and feel safe. I feel safe in his presence.
Saturday I picked my up my wonderful nephew for our annual traditional birthday trip to the museum. Every year his birthday
weekend I take him their. We have a great time, talking about the art, what we see in the paintings and sculptures, we laugh sometimes at what passes at art, and stare deeply at other pieces that seems to stir something deep inside. We people watch, and discuss and wonder about the lives of the other guests. We discuss topics of life. It is just a great time to spend with this young man, and it is our own tradition we have carved out and look forward to.
The PicassoMy FavoriteThe Warhol
By the time my nephew and I returned home, the rest of my family had arrived. There were many hugs, and they were tight, as this season seems to be so much more meaningful than the ones past. The last time all of my family was together at my house was 4 months ago, when my ex attacked me 2 days before the wedding.
I have since heard from a friend that he has posted a letter to me, saying how he would still be open to talk and move past this…yet mentioned nothing of attacking me, choking me, threatening to kill me, robbing me, running from the police. If he wanted to get past what happened and he really wanted to heal, he would be honest about what really happened. And he will never heal until he is honest about what happened. It just depends on how bad he wants it. Until he admits what he did – in detail – I will never communicate with him. (on a side note, apparently he threw the ring and earrings he gave, then stole from me in the ocean. Shame, so many could have benefited if he had sold them and given the money to charity. So many are in need this season. At least then others would have benefited from the ugly situation. Toys for Tots, The Salvation Army, The Red Cross…Or he could have simply given them back to me – with an apology.)
Saturday night was a delicious home cooked meal I prepared for my wonderful family. We talked, laughed, ate and drank in fellowship and love, each enjoying the company of all those around the table. My father even went back for seconds, which is a huge compliment. Saturday night time was spent with The Man and my family and I drifted away to sleep with a warm soul. I am truly blessed to have all that I have in my life, and the people are what make it wonderful.
Today was spent shopping and shopping. I am surrounded my techies and computer geniuses in my family, and I am the lone creative person. I don’t get computers and technology at all. And we went to Micro Center. And BrandSmart, my three family members like kids in a candy store, walking around wide eyed and with silly grins on their faces. They looking and grinning at all the things hanging in the isle and on the shelves, me wondering if they have a vending machine handy. I did have a nice compliment paid, as a very attractive man asked me if I had anyone special to buy gifts for this season. I blushed, smiled and said yes, I do, but thanked him for the compliment.
Tomorrow is dinner with the nephew and his first (legal) beer. He has finals this week, so he can’t celebrate too hard. Also, Dad’s final appointment and his cancer should be cleared. This Christmas season there is so many reasons to be thankful, so many blessings, so many things that have turned out OK.
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