When we go through a particularly difficult time, re entering life as “normal” may e quite overwhelming. And does normal even exist anyway? The point is that getting back to whatever normal is, may take a little bit of time. It can fell like learning to walk again. First you don’t even know if you can do it, then you try and it is awkward and painful, you are clumsy. Then slowly, with practice and effort, you are almost ready to take a few steps. And slowly, with even more effort, blood, sweat and tears, with heartbeat after heartbeat and so much effort that you doubt if you will ever make it, you take your first step.
Then another, then another, and then another.
And isn’t that just how it is in life? Just when you think that you can’t do it, you find out that indeed you can.
It seems like forever since I have felt like I have been in a rhythm and a groove in life. And now, finally I can say, I got this. There is joy, there is excitement, there is a renewed optimism for the future.
I was walking downstairs yesterday after a restful day and a very good weekend. And I had the Ah-ha Moment. “I got this,” I thought. No matter what is going on, I’ve actually got this. I can do this. This after months of healing and processing. I am finally here.
I have no idea what is going to happen. The saying goes that man plans and God laughs. But with prayer and meditation, I plan to follow the path God has for me. I plan to follow love, and joy and adventure. I plan to build a wonderful life.
There will still be bad days. as there always are, but I know that it is just a temporary bump in the road.
But no matter how optimistic we are, there will always be things that need improvement, things that we need to work on. I need to get the house unpacked. And my office must be organized. And it is very obvious that I am rusty when it comes to dating. The good thing about that one is that practice makes perfect. And I know the kind of man I want. Because I am ready for kisses and conversations, and smiles and arms around me. But whoever is interested in me is going to have to make it quite obvious, or may completely miss the signs.
And there is working out and staying active. Feeling better about life means having more energy for taking care of myself. It is time to hike again, run again, and actually use that gym membership. I have boxing gloves that have not been used in quite a while (of course I have to find which box they are in). And free weights that will tone my arms and back. It is time for the toned curves to begin.
It is time for a good fire and the crackle of the logs. It is time for long talks and laughter and making memories in this new house that will be a wonderful home.
And it is time for trips. No big trips until next next year, but some short trips for fun and adventure. I am ready to try new things in new paces.
Mostly because, all because, I am ready to be happy. I don’t want to hold back, on anything. I want to feel the wind in my hair, the warmth of the sun on my skin and the wonder of the rain on my soul. I want to hear happy whispers and taste wanderlust and touch a heart. I am strong, capable, and ready. I have lived through this, I have made it past the fiery pits of Hell, I have climbed back up to the surface, And I will thrive.
They say that we must love until there is nothing left and let God put our broken pieces back together, that He tears us down to rebuild us and make us stronger. My mother used to tell me that every time we love, and our hearts are broken, that it carves out deep space within us where we can love even deeper the next time. I am ready.
And I know that I’ve got this.