Happy birthday Mom! You wpuld have been 78 today. I think aboit what I would have bought you. You banned me from buying any more nik-naks…so probably some of your favorite shoes, or some books you wanted, some garden tools and flowers. Maybe even help you in the garden.
I have taken care of your plants, your house, your cats, your clothes, your belongings, dad….you. And I did it with complete honor and dedication. And I know even though you are not here, you are watching over me as my guardian angel. It has never been more evident than in the past few weeks. I have no doubt you kept many calamities from happening.
And now it is your birthday and I was trying to figure out how to celebrate it. I thought about going to a big dinner, and enjoying steak and wine. But then I settled in and decided on something different. So I went to the grocery store, got some wine, I got some ice cream. And then I went out on my back deck and I sat in the shade and I drank the wine and I ate the ice cream while watching the birds, and the squirrels, and the Chipmunks. I drank my wine while watching the cats.
Because it ocurred to me that while you did enjoy fine things in life, you are more about the little things in everyday life. You enjoyed the simple moments, the beautiful little perfect moments that would never make a history book, but that would always make you smile.
So that is how I celebrate your birthday with you today – By simply relaxing on the back deck noticing all the little beautiful things around me and being so thankful that I had you as a mother. I miss you more than you know and I will love you always. Happy birthday
There comes a time on life when you must get very quiet an small to become centered. I have written about this many times. When life gets too crazy, too much, too whatever, that is when you return to the basics. Shed all the things that are irrelevant, and make your world small to rediscover your purpose, reevaluate and revamp what needs to change.
I took my blog down for a bit in an effort to do just that. I have felt off center for quite a while not, so I took all that could be evaluated down, in order to do an internal audit of myself.
The truth of the matter is that life is going extremely well, but even with all of that, there is something out of place. I am feeling disconnected from my faith, which is highly unusual. And so, true to my writing, I am getting quiet and small, so that I can hear God’s voice whisper in my ear as major decisions are coming.
I will be praying, contemplating and doing what is necessary to be centered in my faith and walking in ways that exemplify my beliefs.
And so in addition to the Great Purge of 2019, the is also the Great Reevaluation and Revamping of my life. It is more than being ready for the next, it is a thirst and a hunger for a more meaningful purpose moving forward. And there are many ways to attain the dreams, but which path should I take to get there? And why does it matter? Because it’s not only about the dream, but about the journey to get there.
So hold on tight, because just about everything will be changing.
Life is too short. Take chances. make changes.
A Little poem about being a Little wasted
Little Wasted opportunities
Is all I see ahead
Wasted chances and dances
Is what you delivered instead
Crying and promising
All those pretty fake words
Wasted shots, all for naught
Yet all is well in all my worlds
An optimistic heart
Is a begger’s dream
All for fun and games he smiles
And he never felt ashamed
Opportinity chances and shots
Wasted all the same
A financial salesman lied
But he’ll say that she’s to blame
Oh yes, it was all wasted
For the small temporary high
Of all his anger and control
Now her absence leaves a hole
Little Wasted opportunities
Now will haunt him late at night
Ringing in his ears, his words
Of their very last bad fight.
Little wasted words and heartbeats
She left the the man untrue
Because you took her for granted
You’re shocked that she’d leave you
All those Little wasted moments
And yet you’ll never learn
That a woman will never stay
Where her heart gets burned
Lately there has been a ton of new beginnings, and tomorrow continues the trend. A new project in my career, and it is exciting.
I will miss being a bum, so to speak. But I have learned valuable lessons during my time off. That is to make myself a priority. And many people are accused of being selfish when they make themselves a priority, but that’s not the case. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of anyone else.
Taking care of yourself is also a sign of self-love. If we love ourselves we’re going to take care of ourselves. That means taking time off when you need it, taking a stroll through the park when you need it. And listening to your mind, your body, and your soul. It means making sure that you give yourself all you need to truly be healthy. To eat right, to exercise, to get rest, but it’s so much more than that too.
At church today the sermon talked about slowing down and stepping aside enough to hear God’s voice, and understand his plan for you. The priests mentioned that many times were often rushing around so much that we can’t even hear what God says to us. We pray at night it we are so busy during the day that we cannot hear God’s answer. This time off has shown me the beautiful rhythm of God’s grace.
And I plan to take care of myself enough to make sure I hear his voice. And that means taking care of myself enough so that I can be still, is that I do not get so wrapped up in all the pressure, that I take time, and then I find the beauty in this amazing life that I’ve been blessed to have.
And so it is that I go off on this new adventure.
Life is short. Have adventures. Build the life you want. And take care of yourself.
Love. Wow. We seek it, we want it, as humans we need it. Love can work miracles and often does. It can also break our hearts, where the light comes into our souls from the cracks and the breaks.
For me, I am enjoying it. There is a miracle in the joy of relenting control and giving yourself to another. And I do not mean sexually, I mean spiritually, mentally, emotionally. To drop the guard and the walls, to exhale, open your eyes, and inhale with eyes look back at you, smiling.
And I welcome it, all of it. It is a miracle this man found me and recognized the possibilities. A miracle that I was finally in a space where I could accept what he has to offer. And a miracle that our two lices are lining up.
And to make plans for the future is fun and exhilarating. Trusting another with your heart and future is something else. There are vacations, thoughts, ideas, jobs and life to be built, the two of us at the helm.
Finally, a man who knows what to do with a strong willed, independent, stubborn, and clumsy red head. A man who smiles at my faults and laughs at my jokes. Finally a,man who wants to build with me, instead of control me.
Life is short. Find the love and give yourself to it.
As I walked in, a wonderful sense of Love came over me. And then without even realizing it, there were tears streaming down my cheeks as I walked from the back of the room past all the pews, closer to the front of the church.
I had gone to sit in the quiet of the beautiful cathedral here in downtown Atlanta. It’s a place I’ve been going for many, many years, and I consider it my spiritual home. I have many times gone there to sit in the quiet the chapel, or been in my own thoughts on a spring day in the little garden Courtyard. Today I just needed to be in quiet contemplation and Remembrance as I sat in the huge Cathedral, below all the stained glass, staring up at the altar, and crying.
This is a hard week for me. They say that the anniversary of a loved one’s death gets a little easier every year. And to some extent that is true. I don’t think you ever get over losing your parents though. But you do learn to live, function and be happy in the “new normal.” And indeed I have. I am even thriving.
And yet here I am, this week, with the memories and thoughts, and missing my Dad so much. I feel as though I have my PhD in grief, and grief management. A very specialized doctorate, it comes after a great deal of Blood, Sweat, tears, and experience.
And as I reflect this week, not only on everything that happened two years ago, but of everything that has happened since. I think, I hope, that my father would be proud of me. I’m thankful every single day, and so very careful not to take any of the goodness that is in my life now for granted. This life, that I have been given, and so blessed to have, is truly amazing and wonderful. I’ve come a long way and many lifetimes since that day two years ago.
And so later on this week, when it is the actual anniversary, I will take time to reflect, and cry, and laugh, and celebrate. I will celebrate my father’s life, the beautiful and wonderful time we had together, and all the victories that I have overcome since. I have that day planned, something I know to do that will honor him, and celebrate this life that has been graciously given to me. This week I will also have love and thankfulness in my heart.
So every year, on the anniversaries of their deaths, I decided not to do anything sad or depressing. I will do something on each of those days to honorand and celebrate them and this beautiful life. And so the tradition continues.
Life is short. Feel all you can, love all you can, cry, and laugh, and miss them all you can. Honor them all you can. And mostly, live your life fully, all you can.