My Holiday Promise – To Myself

I have been the responsible one for a while now.  I took care of both of my parents as they died, took care of all arrangements and have taken care of everything since then too.  I am tired.  So this holiday season…I have made a promise to myself: I will only have fun. No responsibility.

When faced with the choice of staying at home, trying to hash through all of the family holiday stuff, and moping, constantly being reminded of the what I have lost, or getting out of town and having fun, seeing old friends and meeting new ones…I choose the latter.  Maybe next year I will be different, but this year I am not moping.  So I shall celebrate that I am alive, and here, and want to have fun.

I have had enough of the doom and gloom. I have had enough of doing everything myself, had enough of being responsible and taking care of others.  This year I do what I want. And I want, I need, a break.  I need to live life for myself, I need to be selfish and say that everyone else will just have to figure it out for themselves.

Thanksgiving will be spent in Texas seeing friends.  I have never been to the fine state, but have been given tips on what to see.  I cannot wait.  It will be good to just BE. New Years Eve will be in New Orleans. I was there for New Years a few years ago and had a wonderful time.  I have many friends there and, though my preference is to have hot, passionate sex on New years Eve (did I just type that out loud?), if that is not possible, I might as well party with my friends in the Big Easy.

I am not sure about Christmas yet, as that is the tough one.  Where ever I am it will be good. And there will be love.

And so I promise myself to just BE this holiday season.  To let life happen and enjoy  it. And if you are reading this and would like to join me, hop in the car, there is always room for more. That is the thing about life, there is always room for more if it. So join me, won’t you?

Cowboy take me away

This weary soul needs a break

This forever holiday

I am not sure how much more it can take

 

So let me be free

let me scream with delight

all this wonder let me see

The season by the starlight

 

Let me wilt and cry all the tears

Let me separate from the sorrow

Feel what I have missed these years

It’s just your arms I may barrow

 

Let me be vulnerable and let go

Let me enjoy NO responsibilities

of the sadness of the last days

only want the possibilities

 

I want to need without shame

Let me be weak so I can be strong

I need to feel  like it won’t be the smae

Replace grief with joy and song

 

Oh let me see over the horizon

From wanderlust to sunset

I need you see, I am no island

Take me away so I can forget

 

Let me snuggle under the blanket

of your friendship and care

Laughter, smile, and good times

Memories and stories to share

 

Yes, cowboy take me away

As I shed this life, this skin

I am free of it all, starting today’

I know now that I can win

 

The Feast of Fall

It starts about this time every year.  It is a restlessness for the Fall.  Winter is a time of hibernation for me – long cold days wrapped up in a blanket by a fire. So the fall is a time to get out and enjoy life before the winter sets in.  I start wanting to go, to see, to travel.  I start getting restless for all the things that I want to do before the cold sets in.

Because Fall is wrapping up the year, it is crisp mornings and cool evenings.  It is wine and conversations, it is the start of new friendships and adventures.  It is a cabin in the mountains, wine tastings, good hikes and fresh air.  It is laughter and pumpkins and festivals and snuggling on the couch. October is wonderful.  It is one of my favorite times of the year as it is the in-between.

And maybe that is why I feel restless, because it is the in between the lines of life.  After the summer but before the holidays. And I find myself in between as well.  Past all the rough, but before all the amazing.  It is a time of set up….Where I am ready but God and the Universe are setting everything up for forward movement.  And I get impatient.  When I decide I want something, I want it then, I do not like to have to wait.  Sometimes patience is not my best virtue.  Maybe it is a byproduct of being a passionate red head.

For me, I want to explore, to adventure, to climb, to go, to kiss, to see, to eat, drink and be marry.  I want to experience life again, with a whole heart, open eyes and big smile.

For now I just enjoy this time, when I put another blanket on the bed and sleep under it’s wonderful weight.  When I set up the fireplace, and prepare for the feast that is coming into my life.  I know that it will be delicious. The hardest part is finding which direction I should go.  Which direction is love, happiness and Peace?  I have found it within, now I do not want to go without in the world.

And so pour some wine, talk to friends and remember to be present in this moment, right here in front of me.  Because I do not want to miss any amazing moments now because I am looking ahead.  And that is where the balance lies.  This is something on which I am working. I tend to get so busy working on the further that I forget to relax in the now.

So maybe this restless in between time is for me to slow down, relax, take a breath and enjoy the hard work which I have done.  I have climbed quite a long way up from where I found myself just months ago.  And now I breath, before taking risks and throwing myself completely into life.  Join me in the adventure.  But hang on tight, because it is going to be quite a ride.  But then again, Life always is.

Authenticity

Merriam-Webster defines authenticity as real or genuine, not copied or false, true and accurate And this is one of the many things for which I am thankful. In life we hear the term “authentic” thrown around a lot.  But even with the definition, what exactly does it mean in life?

To me it applies to the kind of people I have in my life and how I want to be myself and with others.  It means that nothing and no one in my life is fake. No one is pretending.  The older I get the more important this is for me.  When I was younger, I am not sure if I didn’t notice it is as much or if it has just gotten worse and more widespread with social media.  Indeed, it is easier now than ever to pretend to be something you are not.

If you are depressed, you can slap a few pictures up on Facebook and voila!  You and happy and life is perfect.  Put a filter on a selfie, and suddenly you look better than you do even on your best days.  I refuse to use filters. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very vain woman, and I am acutely aware of my flaws.  But to cover them up completely and make myself unrecognizable for the sport of it.  No thanks.  Our flaws are what make us our most beautiful and out most human.

Truth be told, I want people who flawed in my life.  I want the authenticity of imperfection, of vulnerability. Why? Because I am light years away from being perfect.  I am clumsy and can fall, trip, stumble, fumble or spill at the drop of a hat.  Most of the time it is funny, sometimes embarrassing and most of the time needs up in laughter.  Well, at least it is not boring.  I love when someone is authentic and imperfect around me.  When they are vulnerable and admit some silly thing about themselves.  IT makes them relatable and human.  Because we are all acutely aware of our flaws.  And it is nice to not have to hide them for acceptance.

I want to know when the people in my life and having a hard day, or are lonely, or are scared or are depressed and why.  I want to know when they are sleepy and what kept them up?  Was it a hot night?  Or was is worry?  Because we are all in this together, so I want to celebrate the good and be there in the bad. That is what makes life, life. And that is what keeps it from getting so lonely.

I have also long said that those who are fake will hurt you more than those who are authentic.  Why?  Nothing is wrong with sparing someone’s feelings, but to lie about intentions, motives, outcomes, or facts?  Who has time that?  It causes more drama than it is worth.  People who live like that are manipulative and usually have their own agenda.  My agenda?  TO be the best person I can be today, hopefully better than yesterday and to be kind to my fellow humans.  There are a few other things, like win an Oscar, travel the world, etc. but you get the picture.

Don’t hide that from me, your authenticity and vulnerability.  Let’s laugh, cry, win and lose together.  Because we are all broken in our own beautiful and magnificent ways. Our imperfections and cracks are where the light comes in and shines to highlight our many facets…throwing off brilliant colors of light.  We are the prisms of life. So, let’s shine authentically, beautifully, brilliantly, and let our imperfections be the beacon of others who are trying to be authentic too.