Waiting in the Ready

I have recently been asked how you know that you are ready for a serious relationship?  When you have been through so much and have had to rebuild yourself, taking time to just focus in on yourself, how do you know when you are ready? My answer was and is follows:

I have been through a lot, a lot of pain a lot of loss. But I’ve also been through all of that alone, something I don’t want anymore. The work that I had to do on myself was necessary to heal so that I could be a whole person when I offered myself and my heart to someone else. I don’t believe in half-assing it, or only being a broken version of yourself. You need to be whole. And I don’t just want to be in a relationship because I don’t want to be alone. I’m fine alone, I do alone very well. So I don’t need to be in a relationship, but I want to be. Because I want to enjoy life with another person, I want to build something larger than myself, I want to see the world with someone else. I’ve served my family well, I took care of my parents to the very end. And now I want to take care of my partner, and have them take care of me. I’ve given myself the lives of others, and it’s time that I give myself to building my life with another person, so that we can build our lives.

The fact is that after a hard emotional experience, including the end of a long term relationship and you have to take time to heal. If you don’t you be toxic for anyone who is around you because will bring your issues into the next relationship. And that is not fair to the other person

No one signs up to be a rebound relationship, so why put someone else through it? It is not kind. You will also attract the wrong kind of partner and be willing to accept mistreatment if you are not healed first. That is because many times our self-esteem takes a hit after the demise of a relationship.

When our self-esteem is low, we end up making decisions out of fear, not love – fear of being alone, fear of being hurt, fear of being abandoned. Decisions made out of fear are never the right ones and will usually end in disaster.

In this day and age, it seems like many ex couples are almost in a race to see who can get the best, hottest replacement the fastest. Don’t do it.  Sit a few dances out if you must, but make sure that you are healthy before getting back in the game. The one who gets another the fastest often is the one who ends up in an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship that is harmful to all involved.  It solves nothing but rather perpetuates the issues of both individuals in the new relationship. And relationships are hard enough without dooming them to failure.

My most recent ex rushed out and now has a 19 year old; he is 50. A 50 year old essentially dating a child and taking advantage of her issues for his own nefarious benefit is not healthy nor does it show any honor. Don’t be like him. Take time to heal; spend time alone and get to know yourself, go to therapy, get a hobby, do whatever you need to do to make sure that you are emotionally stable enough to benefit another human being.

Healing is hard work though, because you must not only face, but conquer your demons. You must take an honest look at yourself in the mirror and take stock of what you do and don’t see.  You work on yourself and your shortcomings.  That takes courage. It also takes patience.

So how do I know that I am ready and that I am whole? I guess when you are ready, you feel it. And I feel good. I feel happy and excited about the future again. I do not feel like I need someone around, but I do want to enjoy life with another. There is nothing to prove to anyone. I am not worried about who is or is not impressed. There is not rush either. I have faith in the process that slow and steady is the best way, and I have faith in God that what is meant to be will be. I want love, I want to give love, and I want to build a life with a partner. I am not perfect, but flawed and complicated. And that is OK. No one is perfect, so maybe the key is to make sure that you are whole, as imperfect as you are, and find a whole person whose imperfections compliment your own. Then be honest and enjoy the adventure with an open heart and sound mind. So hang on, because this promises to be quite a ride.

Helping Others to Success

They say that one of the best ways to help yourself is to help another person.  This is very true and I am seeing that again from personal experience. I am helping my nephew with goal setting and how to make those goals into reality. This has made me realize how lazy I have been with my own goals, or maybe just very busy with other things in life. But now it is time to refocus and start back.  In a way, my nephew nd I are going through a similar phase – new beginnings, trying new things and accomplishing our dreams.  We are both starting over, if you will.

But how do you even start?  I don’t know what works for everyone, but I do know what has worked for me.

Have pride:  First you must have pride in yourself, in your dreams and in your abilities.  You must look around at where you are and have enough pride in yourself as a person that you want better than what you have right now.  Pride gets a bad rap, but it is what will help motivate us to rise and do better, be better and want better.  Without that level of pride, we just slump on the couch and accept whatever is given to us in life.  That is being too passive.  No one accomplished anything great by just accepting.  You accomplish great things by knowing that you were destined for more and better, that where you start has no bearing on where you end up.

Take an active role: This goes along with the above. You must take an active role in your life.  If you don’t care enough to be active in your life, no one else will either Don’t; just sit back and take it. Stand up and make it happen for yourself.  Make opportunities, seek them out, take them when they come.  Once you make your wishes known, the Universe will start lining things up for you.. And opportunities beget other opportunities.

Do at least one thing:  This combines two theories of mine into one.  First is an Elanor Roosevelt Quote: Do one thing every day that scares you. And the other theory which is do for yourself first when you are attaining your dreams.  For instance. While my nephew is with me, I have asked him to do things around the house to help put.  But before that, he should research schools, their admission requirements and places that are hiring.  He should do these things for himself first. And the older you get the harder it is to do for yourself first. But the people who love you will understand and will be there for you to help and cheer you on.

Get rid of the dead weight: We have all had those people in our lives who suck all our energy away and into their drama and problems. Don’t get sucked in. It is easy to let these people get us sidetracked with their drama, conflict and useless tale chasing.  While everyone has a messy life every now and then those who are constantly going through drama and conflict need to be cut.  If those people stay in your life. Then days, weeks, month, or even years in some cases, can slip away before you know it and you have not accomplished any of your goals and dreams.

Have a ridiculous work ethic:  Too make it, you must first make up your mind as to what you want, then you must be willing to work harder than you have ever worked in your life to make it happen.  You must believe it with such passion that it has no choice but to happen. Visualize your success, make a goal board, do whatever you must do to stay motivated to work toward what you want.

And pray:  For me, because I am both spiritual and religious, this is actually one of the most important things. I pray for guidance and wisdom in my choices. I pray for opportunities and patience in waiting.  I pray for a lot of things. For me, my faith is an integral part of success and accomplishing my dreams.

Never listen to the odds:  The odds don’t matter. I have never thought about the odds, because in my mind, they do not apply to me.  I will simply keep going until I either succeed or possibly change my mind.  I know, you are not supposed to change your mind, but sometimes it does happen.  When I was growing up, I was going to be an academy award winning actress.  Now, that still may happen, but I became a writer instead, because as I grew my dreams changed. Even then the “odds” were not in my favor, if I ever stopped to pay attention to them.  But here I am, writing away and being happy.

There are thousands of books written on the topic. But helping my nephew has motivated me.  After such a tumultuous period, it is time to get back to living, loving, taking risks and building the life of my dreams. The best way to help yourself, is by helping others.  You learn about that person, about yourself, about the process and you build up some good karma.