Love to Love

Lately there has been much of what I dislike, so as a balance I thought there should be a list of what I love. I am blessed and happy, and these are some of the reasons why. Enjoy!

I love October—the sound of that word, the memories of Octobers past, the promise of the autumn ahead.  I love knowing the holidays are right around the corner.  I love seasons, plain and simple.

I love the color green.  I love toast.  I love the smell of a horse’s coat and a barn full of straw and grain and dust. I love the smell of sawdust.  I love cold draft beer, or a glass of wine, preferably enjoyed in the company of friends.  I love calamari.   I love pears and mangos.  I love my father’s boiled peanuts.  I love my mother’s homemade baking and candies peanuts.  I really love mint chocolate  ice cream.  I love the smell of leaves, of newly cut grass, of the ocean, of clean laundry and a clean house.  I love my cats, a lot, even though they shed a carpet a day.

I love that I’ve kept all my old journals, locked up safe in a box.

I love “East of “Eden” and “Shawshank Redemption” and “The Lovely Bones.”   I love e.e. cummings’ “I carry your heart”  and Pablo Nurudo “I like for you to be still” I love falling head-first into some fictional landscape and not even realizing how the hours have passed.  I love movies that make me cringe and movies that make me cry.  I love a good love story.

I love my father’s voice,  the way his hugs fit and feel just right, the way he  has taught me “A man is only as good as his word” over the years, and, most of all, that I am his daughter, in so many, many ways.

I love my mother’s laughter and one-liners, her ability to surprise me, even now, after a lifetime of looking up to and trying to understand her.  I love her compassion, her creativity, her relentless push that I be the very best and bravest and most honest and most genuine woman I can possibly be.

I love that I hold myself to parents’ standard, however high. I love that I have such a close relationship with them.

I love being an aunt.  I love that my friends are becoming mothers now, too, and I am witness to their change.

I love that I love him still, and no one can take that love away from me.  IO love that it has been 16 years of still loving him.  I love that I no longer care about or fear judgment for this love.

I love the Caribbean.  I love that I will one day live there.

I love my strong legs, my green eyes, my warmth and my tight hugs.  I love that I’m good at loving.  I love that I’m devoted and passionate, eager to please and happy to work hard.  I love that I know who I am.

I love that I know when to let go.  I love that, even if I don’t always succeed, I try.

I love my long walks.  I love that I can bust out a three-mile run even if I haven’t hit the pavement in two weeks.  I love that I am healthy.  I love that I have an athletic history and can still feel its teachings course through my body each and every day.  I love that I no longer criticize how I look in the mirror; I love that I’ve accepted that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but it is the slopes and curves and dimples and wrinkles and scars and strength that make me that much more lovable.

I love the possibility, the hope, the anticipation.  I love holding hands, and I dearly love kissing.  I love flirting; I love crushing.  I love catching his eye.

I love Atlanta, and Valdosta, and Bequia, and Barbados.  I love making a home wherever my two feet (and my cats) land.

I love that my sister never fails to surprise and challenge me.

I love my dear friends—plain and simple.

I love choice; I love optimism; I love the courage it takes to put a single word onto the page.

I love how much life I’ve lived; I love how much life I still have ahead. I love how much I have loved in my short, but well lived lifetime. And I look forward to loving again.

I love that I will love again, not now, but later when I am healthy. I love that I am not in a hurry and know I can take my time with finding my next. I love that I know I am worth the wait, and so is he. I love the fact that I know I will never have to be here again. I love the fact that I am strong enough that I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship or a rebound.

I love my voice, I love singing so very loudly in the car, that people can hear me even when I have the windows up. I love that I walk on my tiptoes when I am happy. I love that I have learned to love that I am clumsy. I love that my hair is wavy only on one side.

And I love that even now, in this mess that is my life, through the tears that I still cry at night, through the pain that keeps me from sleeping, through the broken heart that beats in my chest, through the loss and grief that is blinding at times, I love that I can say, I am blessed and happy.

 

 

The Not Dating Life

There have been times in my life that I have sworn off men, that I did not want to date, I wanted to take it easy and take a break.  Several times in my life in fact. But this time I seem to be enjoying it much more. It seems as though I am just comfortable being…me. And since this latest break up, I do not feel the urge to run out and play the “who is dating someone first game”. Or the “who gets laid/has the rebound first” game either. If he wants it, he can have it…though I am sure the ex has already had both, as womanizers usually move to the next very quickly. Lets just hope he doesn’t try to kill her too, or worse, succeed.

No, I just want to be me, with me. I want to know that I am solid first before moving on to the next relationship. I have never had a one night stand and never been one for flings. I also do not believe it is fair to drag another person down with my baggage in a relationship. And lets face it, I have a lot of baggage I am dealing with right now. A break up is bad enough, but the groom calling off the wedding, attacking and d robbing the bride 2 days before the blessed event? Well, that is enough to give anyone some extra suitcases full of baggage.

An interesting thing has happened since then though. I am getting compliments of how great I look and how pretty I am all over the place.  And more and more men want to flirt me with. I mean everything from the subtle wink to the bold smile with a cute line. And even more interesting lately is the safely in which it is all done. These guys know I am not in the market for a date, yet the compliment and flirt anyway. They do it, I think, because they know there is no harm or expectations. They can just relax without me expecting them to ask me out, or follow through with the flirt. It can just be fun and innocent. And when was the last time we evr did anything fun and innocent?

And I like it. And I am flirting back. And we both have fun. It is mutually beneficial – I got a nice compliment and he gets a pretty girl to flirt with. A win-win situation. And that is one of the meny things I am enjoying about the Not-Dating Life.

Cleaning Out the Clutter

A celebration happened last night, a celebration of my life, my future, my possibilities.  The world is my oyster, and when I am ready, healed and suited up, it will be waiting for me.  All I have to do is take my time. The world is not going anywhere.

And on my journey of healing, it has become very clear that there is some extra weight.  I had a wonderful conversation about this with a very wise person tonight. Now, more than ever it is more important to clean out the clutter.  All those dead weight people that are just that – dead weight – around my life and healing.  So, with my heart in my throat, I set out to slash the friends lists, contacts and the like. I got rid of everyone who does not bring positive support. I also made certain websites private, so they are only mine, only for me.

Another friend of mine told me a few nights ago, that this is the time for me to be selfish, this is the time for me to take what I need and not to feel guilty about it at all. So I slashed and slashed. And something very unexpected happened…I felt a sense of relief. Relief that these people who are not bringing anything positive to my life, suddenly were no longer. I almost felt giddy. I felt lighter, felt empowered, felt healthy. And in this came a very bold statement:

If you do not bring something positive to my life, you will not be in my life.

Yes, that’s right, I said it. You have to bring something to my life in order to stay. Our relationship must me mutually beneficial. Selfish? I don’t think so. Because the people you have around you influence you, influence your state of mind and your state of being.  You have to surround your self with good positive people who reflect the values you believe in. For me, the people in my life do not have to be rich or powerful, but they do have to be honest, loyal, with a solid family and a solid set of morals and ethics. I look at what my life is now and what and where I want it to be. And if you don’t measure up, then you get slashed baby!

That’s not to say that you have to be perfect, or not have any issues. Lets face it, life gets messy sometimes (just take a look at my life right now). What that does mean is that if a person is not as good a friend to me as I am to them…then they will not be in my life. If that person does not stand beside me when I have stood beside them in the past, then they will not be in my life. because I simply cannot be bothered by fair weathered, loose lipped, gossip loving, drama spreading “friends”. And you know who you are. Shape up or get cut. And frankly I don’t care which one, because I cannot be bothered right now. Right now is my time to be selfish and lean on the friends who love me.

No more being polite because who wants to un-friend someone? No more being politically correct because there are a lot of mutual friends, no more being nice about it. If you don’t measure up, you are getting pushed out. In this new time of my life, this shedding of all that is unneeded, I simply do not have the time or space for dead weight. I simply cannot be bothered by those who do not bring it.

And suddenly it is easier to be breath. Suddenly, the world is opening up. Suddenly, it is easier to smile. And that healing place? It’s a lot closer with the right set of wonderful, positive people surrounding me, supporting me and loving me.