It was July 2005, and I was crying on the phone with my mother. The relationship I was in had long come to an end and I was trying to figure out how best to return home to the South. We had both tried as hard as we could, and it just hadn’t worked. We met when I was 14, dated from 16-18, then parted ways as teenagers do. We reconnected 13 years later, convinced that we were the loves of each others lives. We couldn’t have been more wrong.
I was feeling like such a failure, just absolutely worthless. If I couldn’t make it with my high school sweetheart, the man who had loved me since I was 14, I was clearly a failure and couldn’t do anything right. That made me question every decision I had ever made, and question my own ability to navigate life.
Sound dramatic? It’s not really. As humans none of us are immune to failure, or feeling worthless, whether it’s actually true or not. And nothing will make you feel like you failed more than that relationship that was supposed to last forever, with the person who was supposed to love you forever.
And so I was trying to do something right…which meant planning my move back home. No one was going to be able to call me irresponsible, because I was going to have ALL of my ducks in a row. They were going to be perfectly in line and in step. Feeling like a failure in the relationship only magnified my need to show that I actually could do this responsibly, because I felt I had to show everyone I wasn’t a complete loser.
I would make sure to have a good amount of savings, not only for the move, but for anything that might be needed. I was going to have a job lined up, so I all I had to do was walk in on my first day. And I was already going to have a place to live picked out. My car was going to get a tune up, and everything would be nicely and neatly packed. The move would be organized and orderly. I would also wait until I was at in good place at work so I had good references, and maybe could transfer. Because that’s what responsible people who weren’t worthless failures did, right?
And then life would happen…and every time I had a little saved up, my car would need something, or a there was a medical bill, or a vet bill. or something. Always, Came. Up. And it was beyond frustrating and made me feel even more like a failure. Forget loser…I was way beyond that…I failed at the relationship, failed as a girlfriend, and then, to top it off, I couldn’t even try to leave responsibly because I failed at saving money. Then work laid me off, and my part time jobs weren’t paying enough for bills and a lot of savings. And I felt like I failed again. My inner monologue was awful, and the way I talked to myself was terrible too.
Thus the call with my Mom. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself, discouraged that nothing I tried was working, and exhausted from all the work of trying to be responsible and get everything in line. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, failure seemed to find me. There was no hiding from it. And I had to be responsible, because that was the one thing I could control.
And my mother said something that cut through all of the noise, and resonated so far deep within that the vibration of her statement nearly knocked me off my feet. Not only for it’s simplicity, but for it’s boldness.
“Just Leave.”
“What?”
“Just leave. You can figure out all of that stuff after you get here, you don’t have to figure it all out now. So just leave leave. We’ll help you with the rest.”
“Mom, I can’t leave, that’s ridiculous. I mean, I have to be responsible. … Don’t I? I have to have everything in line and totally planned out. Don’t I? That’s what responsible people do, and I am responsible. I don’t want you to think that I’m not.”
“No you don’t. You don’t have to be or do anything, but just leave. So do it. Just. Leave. And come home.”
And there it was. Right in the open. Out loud. And it washed over me, over my soul, like nothing ever had. Even though it sounded so counterintuitive, so counterproductive, so irresponsible and so…wrong. It was simple, and brilliant, and true, and Right. In that moment I give myself permission to Just Leave. No planning, no savings, no waiting to be in a great place at work….
And I packed up and left the next month. And what seemed like the worst thing, the most irresponsible thing, was actually the best. And it freed both my ex and I to move on from our brokenness and heal. And oddly enough, in just leaving, I found my confidence to realize that I was not a failure, nor was I worthless – Because I left, and had people who loved me waiting on me to get home. And slowly, I realized that no matter what, I had worth and value. All of that because I left. Because I wanted a new start more than I wanted to settle for not having things in line.
Life is short, and sometimes the most counterintuitive things are actually the best things and the best decisions that you can make. Because if I had stayed until everything lined up, I would have been there for years. I would have been trapped in an unhappy, unhealthy situation, and in turn, so would have my ex. By leaving I freed both is us, and that was the most responsible choice. Why couldn’t I see that? Sometimes when you are in the weeds of a situation, just can’t see above it. And that is where I was. I needed the wit and wisdom of someone else who could see the forest, weeds and all, to help pull me out of the situation.
And oddly enough, after I left, things did fall into place. I did find a job, and place to live, and had savings soon after. I stayed at my Mom’s for a week to decompress, then slept on a friends couch for three weeks while I searched for a job in Atlanta. And it all worked out.
And it will for you too.
You must be logged in to post a comment.