Peace if Life

It has taken a while to happen, and it has taken a lot of work, a lot of tears a lot of processing.  But there is finally here.  Peace.  I have Peace. I am at Peace.  And it feels wonderful.

I am at peace with my past.  At peace with all that has transpired.  At peace with the death of my parents, though I will always miss them.  At peace with the end of the toxic relationship that needed to end. I am at peace with the mistakes I have made, and the things I have done, and the things I have left undone.

With Peace there is also a sense of calm and balance and stability.  This may seem counterintuitive to the excitement I have also been feeling, but they go hand in hand. It is simple and basic – that which brings you peace will make you happy.

There is no internal struggle, or external struggle for that matter. It is felt deep in the soul, where the light dances with the dark. It is hard to describe except everything is good.  Everything is right.  It is what happens when you love until there is nothing left.  It is what happens when, like the Velveteen Rabbit, you become Real. It is what happens when you and God rebuild yourself.  And you become very protective of it.  When you feel Peace like this, you don’t want anything to disturb it again.

And so you learn to walk away from anything that causes a wrinkle in in it, the Peace that rocks you to sleep at night.  And so I want to keep this feeling, this wonderful calm after al the storms. And I want it to become the foundation on which I build.

Release Me

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.  – Nelson Mandela

We all have a time in life where we have reached a goal, accomplished what we set out to do, or faced a fear.  Sometimes all of them.  This is the case with me.  And this goal is bitter sweet, but a celebration none the less.

Since Dad’s death I have been in intense grief therapy.  I saw two grief counselors with the Hospice which Dad was blessed enough to be a part of, and a separate counselor to help with putting life back together.  I am a big believer in reaching out and getting help when a situation is bigger than what you can handle yourself.  This past year was it for me.

So I set out with the help of others, to rebuild, to face my grief and go through it, all of it.  Every heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, horrible moment of it.  And I cried, and ye;led and questioned.  I wrote letters, said prayers, did meditations, talked with friends, cried more, read books, watched TV shows, wrote a lot and cried even more again.

And finally, after the first year anniversary f Mom’s death, after finally having the time and the peace to sit down and truly go through each day, of all that happened and process it, I have been told that i am done.  I have had all of them tell me that indeed, I have gone through the process and that the profound grief is over.  I have done it. I have come out the other side and I have been released form the program.

I have been told that I am emotionally healthy and have done a great job in rebuilding my life.  I have the foundation now to have whatever life that I want in the future.

That is not to say that I am not going to have moments, I will still miss them every day, I’ll still cry, I will still have triggers.  But the worst is finally over and I can grow from here.

It has been a long, hard road. It has taken time to go through all the feelings and resolve all that happened within my mind and heart.  But now, I have just another reason to celebrate.  I could not have done it without these wonderful, compassionate, loving, caring, individuals who led me through the landmine and helped me get back on my feet.

If you are going through, or have suffered the loss of a loved one, I encourage you to seek help of a grief counselor.  It will truly make a difference. I felt like Humpty Dupty, and now not only have I been put back together again, so has my life.  I am thankful and blessed.

And now, let the celebration of life, love, happiness, friendship and more start….now!

Better with Age

Many women (and men) begrudge getting older.  I love it.  There are so many wonderful benefits that come with age and I do not understand why we do not celebrate it. Sure, there are a few more wrinkles, but who says that isn’t sexy?  I like the lines on my face, I like how my body is evolving. I like my looks more now than when I was younger.  Yes, the hips are a but fuller now, but I like them.  And what are these benefits that only come with age?  Sit down and get comfortable, as I will be more than happy to tell you.

Wisdom:  I love this part.  I am so much wiser than I was when I was a kid, and by kid I mean in my 20’s.  In your 20’s you don’t have anything figured out.  You may think you do, you may even have it all together, but you are an idiot when it comes to life.  Trust me.

Comfort in your own skin: I see those little 20-somethings all pump up and insecure in their little outfits and such, worrying about how many likes something gets, how many followers, what he says or what she thinks…because that is where their world is.  Oh, they can have it.  I feel just as comfortable and sexy in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as I do an evening gown, or sexy vampy dress and boots. Because sexiness comes from within, and that is something those 20 year-olds haven’t figured out yet.  So let the glam it up…I’ll be sitting in the table in the corner, people watching, enjoying a glass of wine and not trying to impress anyone.

You don’t care: This goes along with being comfortable in your own skin, but takes it much further.  To be honest, you just can’t be bothered. With what exactly?  IT doesn’t matter.  Anything you don’t want to fool with or be concerned over, you just aren’t.  IT doesn’t matter what other people say, think or do…what. Ever.  You. Don’t. Care.  You are too busy enjoying your own life to let someone else’s drama interfere.  This frees up a lot of time and energy that is was wasted in your 20’s and even 30’s.  You are a lot more relaxed when older.

Dating and intimacy: This isn’t your first rodeo and you are proud of that. You can own your womanhood.  You don’t have to do anything, and you won’t unless you want to.  You know what you are worth and what you are not. You know which rules to break and which ones to follow.  You also are much more comfortable with your body and what feels good, and you are not afraid to make sure you get it. There is no playing coy, unless you want the fun of it. You know the tricks you need to do to make you and your man happy.  And I don’t mean what you read out of Comso magazine.  Cosmo is for beginners.  This is the kind of knowledge that only comes from experience.

You know when to watch: You are also not afraid to get the popcorn and watch when the men in their 50’s try to date GIRLS half their age because of their midlife crisis.  That’s right guys, if you are 50, and you are dating or trying to date someone in their 20’s… you look ridiculous and are an idiot. We are watching you with the popcorn ready, waiting for it to magnificently explode in your face.  The only thing those girls have are daddy issues and money issues, both of which are a mess. So go ahead and hi five your friends, we will be there with a big bag of I-Told-You-So on the other side when you are licking your wounds wondering what happened.  She isn’t going to settle down and she isn’t going to make you happy. And no we are not insecure.  We are however, very entertained.

Sexiness: It drips off of you because you don’t care if you impress someone or not, you don’t have to have them and you are comfortable on your own.  This is because sexiness comes from the inside, and nothing is sexier than confidence and knowledge. And the quiet confidence of your knowledge.  Knowing that you can walk into the room and own every pair of eyes in that room, but you choose to go home alone.  You can’t buy that at Forever 21.

Money/Career: Speaking of buying, did I mention we make more money that our younger selves? We have our career figured out. We don’t need anyone to give us a leg up, we are helping others at this point in our lives.  We have done the rate race, we are happy where we are, and are not having that “OMG, what am I going to do with my life now that I am almost 30” crisis.  Been there, done that.  We don’t need a man to pay our bills (but we will let him if he offers).  We are thinking about retirement and how to travel – first class – when we vacation.

These are just a few of the reason I love getting older.  Women are like a fine wine, we just keep getting better and better. And if I am this fabulous now, imagine how much better I will be in 5 years or even 10, or more.

Live life, enjoy, make experiences and memories.  Enjoy getting older as it is a luxury not afforded to everyone.

Life’s on Fire

there comes a time in all our lives where we just throw caution to the wind.  Where we have had enough of the bad and dreary, where we want to smile in the beautiful freedom and this glorious life. And this is where I find myself these days.

There is a new job with fabulous opportunity, there will be a new place to live the the Fall, some place with no negative and only the positive on which to build.  There is the book that I am picking back up, since I had to put it down for over a year.  There is more writing to do now that so many opportunities are coming.

There is love and friendship and dates and kisses and wine and long talks on the deck.  There is goodness and blessings in this life that are coming, I can feel it.  My friends call me optimistic.  Well, maybe.  I think that it is due, God willing.

Basically, I am giving myself to this life, throwing myself into it wholeheartedly, enjoying, savoring, each perfect moment. I’ve had enough heartbreak to last a while, it’s time to live, love, move, shake, and believe.

And I do. I believe in answered prayers. I believe in the kindness of strangers and the love of friends.  I believe in karma and forgiveness and mercy and compassion  And I believe that life is good.

So hang on ya’ll!  I am back with extra strength Wanderlust.

Summer of Love and Prayer

This summer it has begun.  Everything for which I have prayed, I have received. And this is the summer that I resume my life. This is the summer that my life will be about love, and friendship and laughter, and prayer.

When you have gone through a hard time you have a choice: Either let it drag you down and hold you down like a ball and chain, or use that hard time as a stepping stone to rise above. I choose the latter rather than the former.

When you choose to let it hold you down, that is when you turn angry and bitter.  That is when you become a vehicle for hatred and vindictiveness. I have known people like that. So consumed with anger and bitterness to the point that they are toxic to all they come across.

Why do people choose that route?  I don’t know.  To me it takes so much more energy to stay angry and bitter that it does to move on being happy, allowing all that is good to return to you.

I have long said that which gives you peace will make you happy, And I have reached a point in my life where I am at peace. And doors are opening, new possibilities are coming, because I am not wasting time and energy on things that make me unrested, or agitated or that are just unnecessary drama.  When you get rid of those negatives, positives start coming in.

I want to shout it out, I want to dance in the moonlight, I want to celebrate with those who are the nearest ad dearest to me.  I want to hold them close and thank them for being in my life, through all of it.

All I know that finally there is peace in my life, there is love, there are wonderful friendships and good times to be had.  The clouds have scattered and the light is streaming in.  Why hang on to old issues?  There is an entire world out there of adventures and I will be first in line, during this the summer of love and prayer.

Adventures at the Compound

It has been the family homestead for many years.  And now it has passed on to the next generation. I had been down there before, but this time was different.  This time there was a joy to be where they were.  There was no sadness, no depression, no tears, only love.

And as I walked around the property, I felt it deep in my hart, that this is now mine.  They wanted it passed to us, they knew I would be the one to take care of everything. It is a right of passage, and it is one of love.

And so I walked around that wonderful, beautiful space and knew they were happy with it in my hands.  I take care of it, keep it up and sell it for the family. I know that they are smiling, I know that the butterflies, frogs, bees and dragonflies are their way of smiling to me. And so from here on out, it is only adventure and good times at the family compound.  Adventures are already starting in earnest, and will continue.

Yes, this time was different, as I am finally coming into my own in this place in the family. And that is an adventure all it’s own.

The Anniversary

One year;  12 months; 52 weeks; 365 days; 8,760 hours; 525,600 minutes. That is how long it had been on July 13, 2017, since my heart broke for the first time and my mother died. That was when normal was no longer the normal, that was when my life turned upside down and when I learned some of the toughest lessons in my life.

And then I wrote the Walk with Mom Series.  And finally set the grief free.

And so on the first anniversary of my wonderful Mother’s death, I was truly able to celebrate her life and her legacy to me.  I planted flowers in the garden in her honor. My sister and I remembered her, we laughed as we talked about her mischievous ways.

I thought the day would be horrible. And indeed I did cry for the loss, for how I have missed her,  But more than anything there was Peace.  Finally, after a long, hard, horrible year, I am at Peace with my mother’t passing.  I loved her, she was my best friend, and she always will be.  I will miss her every day.  But she would want me to live. And so I shall.

And so this anniversary represented peace and love.  She made me strong. And I will make her proud with the life that I am building.

I love you Mom, Always.