Sassy Memories

We all have those memories that come up, those little anniversaries so to speak, where we think back and realize how much time has passed.  This is made easier by things like Facebook, which tells us what happened in our lives for each year we mode a post on that day. Sometimes we smile, sometimes cry, sometimes we just make a face and wonder what we were thinking in that particular moment in time.

I was going though my Memories, as I love to do – a little guilty pleasure I enjoy every day – and saw on that I had completely forgotten about, or tried to anyway. It was a picture of a sweet pink drink, called something sassy. And I remembered that night well, as I felt a wave a nausea hit my stomach.  It was a year ago, in Ohio. I had agreed to go with and help my then boyfriend with two if his CFO interviews, something I quickly regretted.  That trip was on of the worst of my life.

The night had started off great- a welcome committee meeting us and a great basket in the room.  We went to dinner and afterwords had drinks at this great little place across from the hotel.  Life was good and we were having a great time.  And them he drank too much, as he often did. And when we got back to the hotel room, instead of a romantic evening, I was accused of cheating. I was there to help him, taking time off work, and on my own dime, but I was accused regardless.

He fought with me all that might, refusing to let me sleep, even getting a good friend involved. And strangely enough, he seemed to get angrier that I wasn’t cheating. We fought over the accusations for the next two days – all that night, all the next day during his tour of the area, all the next night, what would have been a brunch and all the next day until we left. I was done after the 2nd night, and I could not wait to leave. I have never been so happy to be home in my life.

I have often wondered what caused him to lash out like that, ruining what should have been an enjoyable trip After all, most people appreciate when someone agrees to help them with job interviews. But not his guy. The more I did for him, the angrier he was at me and the more he lashed out. I was shocked and stood up for myself. He did not appreciate my feisty attitude when I refused to be treated poorly.

Why do some people lash out at others who are nice or who are trying to help them?  I really don’t know, and I imagine it is somewhat different for each person.  what I do know is that he was an alcoholic who thrived on drama. He also had a very low self esteem when it came right down to it – fears of not being worthy, not being good enough and not deserving of love. Those who do not like themselves cannot like or love others, nor can they allow others to love them.

All of those memories and thoughts came flooding over me in a millisecond. And all of the emotions again too. And then I was able to take a breath and leave that memory behind.  I pray for that man, that one day he defeats the demons that make him drink, and thus find the Peace he seeks and so desperately needs. And I am thankful that all of that is only a memory, brought on in an instant, and leaves just as quick. I am thankful that no one treats me that way anymore, that only those who cherish me are allowed in my life.  I am thankful that I have peace. and that guy? Well, he is still drinking, still thriving on drama and still causing issues with how he treats those around him. But it’s not my circus, not my flying monkeys and not my problem.

Life is short. Ladies, don’t waste your time on men who haven’t conquered their demons. They will only drag you down and poison your soul because they are toxic to everyone around them until the not only deal with, but heal from, those issues. And your time is too precious and too finite to wait. And Always stay feisty.

 

Advice

Since both of you read this blog I thought I’d at least make the time you spend here reading useful. I have some advice for you and your children. First off there are absolutely wonderful and amazing children you should be very proud of them.

The ex confided in me that there are some issues of acceptance and that it is tearing down self-confidence and making him quiet. Unfortunately kids are going to be kids and they’re going to make fun of anyone they proceed is different. Unfortunately there’s nothing to be done to stop that. What you can do is instill a sense of confidence in him by finding something he’s good at. Whether it’s drawing or music or cooking or farming or whatever, find out what it is that he likes and that he excels that.

That requires spending significant time with him just hanging out and talking to him. That means being able to relate to him on his level, not expecting him to relate to you on an adult level. You can also get him involved in a peer group, such as a church youth group where he will be exposed to children who are taught to protect others instead of bully. The Episcopal church has an excellent youth program, as do Presbyterian and Methodist churches.

He also confided in me that the oldest is having some anger issues. As someone who has dealt with foster children for 40 years, I can tell you that children emulate the actions and attitudes of their parents. And if it’s not coming from you Ms, then it will be coming from the father. I have been there myself and witnessed him yelling at the oldest and throwing dinner down at him because the son simply wanted his hamburger on a non toasted Bun. I also the face of the oldest when he was yelled at and had his dinner thrown at him. It hurt him, and then his eyes got narrow and there was a flash of anger.

Children act out when something is wrong at home or school, not because the are “bad kids,” The reason is that as children they have all the emotions that we have as adults, but they haven’t the life experience or vocabulary ormaturity or knowledge how to express those feelings. Nor do they have the permission. And so instead they simply act out.

When a child says they hate you it’s not that they actually do, it’s that they’re so frustrated with not being able to voice what’s going on inside their heads and their emotions, and they’re always told “No.” that they have no other way to express what they’re feeling and so they act out. Get him a child psychologist or where can have a safe space to truly talk about what he’s feeling inside. Or have the mother, or a good friend that you trust his excellent with children to sit down and talk with him. All children need a safe space free of Authority.

Think about how frustrating it would be as an adult to not be able to express your frustration and have to hold it in all the time while being under totalitarian authority of others. It would be hard for an adult, who has the life experience, and maturity to control their emotions. So imagine what it’s like for a child.

Take a look at Fortnite as well, which has been flagged by many agencies as one of the worst for children because of child predators and teaching bad habits. Think your kids are safe…have you ever watched the game while he is playing? Do you know for sure about the content or his friends?

Also sincerely talk with the father about his anger issues and lashing out at those children when he has been drinking and is frustrated, tired or short-tempered himself. He assaulted me while the kids were “upstairs,” so there is no telling what they actually saw or heard. Children usually emulate the actions of the parents. So it’s not if it’s not coming from the mother’s house, then it’ll be coming from the father’s.

Also recognize that the last 18-24 months have been full of change and not much stability for them: They went from living in Texas with the 2nd ex, to another state with Dad, where he drank heavily for most of that, then had a crazy nanny who left, then went back to Texas, now being shipped back and forth week to week…that would be hard for an adult to adjust to, but kids are expected to be emotionally mature enough to handle with no problems?

Good luck.

Interested Party

Why do you visit here if you don’t want me at all?
Why visit me and go down this Hall?
Why do you read this many times a day,
can you really be interested in what I say?

You said you didn’t want me over and over, and now it seems you look for me now over your shoulder.
Well if you wanted me to stay you shouldn’t have made me go,
but I shouldn’t have to tell you that, you’re old enough to know.

So why do you visit and read these words? why are you so interested in my worlds?
Why are you so curious, what do seek?
Silently reading the screen yet refusing to speak.

Well go on, read If It Makes You Happy,
sometimes I write thoughtful, sometimes sappy.
Maybe your here to try to fill the hole.
Your face lit up while you chew your skoal.

You’ll always think of me because I got in your blood,
And when the memories come, the tears fall like a flood.
Oh yes you’ll look for me in every face and set of eyes,
It echoes and aches, those last goodbyes.

So as you would say it is a public forum, with all that being said there is no decorum. So read, read to your heart’s content
That way you know about what to Lament.

My life is good and wonderful with a great big smile,
Don’t bother asking if you cross my mind every once in awhile.
I do still wonder if you hate me so much, why you come here to read and atill crave my touch.

But to each his own, and we have parted ways.
And yet you’ll still think of me all these days.
Maybe next time you’ll remember to be kinder,
So let this loss now be your reminder.

So read read and drink up the my thoughts, as what you read ties your stomach in knots. And yet a tear down One Cheek Falls,
As you look at your phone to check the calls.

The silence in the night echoes your heart, there’s no getting away from it, no matter how smart.
You can try and try and try even harder,
but that heartache will stay with you no matter what you barter.

Ada – 4/20/2020

Gardens in the Sun

First off, I suppose the bruises from my ex Bill Little are healing up nicely. A week old and I am still store and spotted.

**********************************

When I was growing up my parents always had a vegetable garden. I remember as a child picking carrots right out of the ground, washing them off and eating them. Those were the sweetest carrot I’ve ever tasted to this day.

Gardens take a lot of work though. You have to prepare the land – clear it and make sure that the soil is the kind in which vegetables can grow. You have to make sure that your rows are neat and somewhat straight. You must also make sure that the vegetables that are planted close to each other are compatible and mutually beneficial with each other.

And that’s just for starters. That does not include all the Care and uptake it takes; the pruning and weeding and watering and fertilizing. There is making sure that there is no overcrowding, that there are proper insecticides to use and you must literally string the green beans on the line so they can grow properly on the vine.

Indeed the devil is in the details, and if you don’t put effort into it, the garden and everything in it will surely fail. And isn’t that the same in life as well? We must work hard to be happy and make sure that we have a life conducive to a healthy lifestyle, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

We could sit back and be lazy and let life pass us by, let all the things we want fail due to lack of care. Or we could step up and actually participate in making our life successful. And it could be anything from a college degree, to remodeling a house, to having a successful garden, to having a healthy relationship, to having a good and healthy and solid family. Whatever it is we decide that we want in life, it takes care and effort to make it come to fruition.

We can’t just plant the seeds and walk away. No, that’s a guaranteed way to have a life that’s nothing but a mess of an overgrown jungle. And we have all known people who have refused to put the in effort. Those are the people who may look good on paper, but when you get down to the nitty-gritty, when you get down past the surface, they’re the ones whose lives are unraveling. Because it takes care, and effort, and work.

And conversely it’s the same habits that you’re trying to quit. Whether it’s trying to quit drinking, or smoking, or quit eating junk food. Whatever behaviors or demons who are trying to conquer it takes effort. It takes a lot of work to go deep down, where the heart meets the soul and the mind is the tiebreaker. Because to conquer those demons your brain has to rise above your mind and truly rationalize the slaying of the Demons and issues that lead to those bad behaviors.

Most people believe the fairy tale that a good life, a happy life, just magically happens and falls into place. That is not true. Everyday, if you want a good, happy, successful, fulfilling life, a healthy life, then you have to make that decision every day. And every night before you go to bed you have to reaffirm your dedication and review what you could have done better that day, and what you will do better the next day.

I look forward to this Garden season over the summer. I look forward to sharing the vegetables with my neighbors and my friends here in this new place that I live. I look forward to cooking fresh vegetables, straight from my garden, for the people I love the most. And therefore, I must also look forward to all the work, or at the very least be willing to roll up my sleeves and do the hard work takes.

Because we truly appreciate that which we work hard to attain. As Tom Hank’s as character says in A League of Their Own, “It’s the hard that makes it great. If it was easy, everyone would do it.” Not everyone has what it takes to have a good healthy happy fulfilling life. Because not everyone is strong enough or is willing to put in the effort or the work every single day.

Life is short. And the time will pass regardless of the work that you put in. So since the only sure thing is that that time will pass anyway, you might as well work hard while you’re here to have the best life you truly can. I have long said that that which gives you Peace will make you happy. Always keep those who are willing to work hard close to you. Because those are the people who are going to stick by you when life gets hard and messy.

 

Little Bitches

When the Little Bitch sends the ex wife to fight his battle and you have to spank them both and send them crying all the way home.

The response:

Dear Wynter, considering you are his ex-wife, you are very misinformed. First of all, who defends a man who assaulted a woman while children are in the house? Furthermore She moved for a promotion and a $30,000 raise at work. That’s a lot of money. I am sure you understand the motivation, since your ex husband pays not only child support, but suppliments your income in other ways as well (according to him), and even supplies you with toilet paper. (If he talks bad about her to you, he is also talking bad about you to her).

She chose her house online and had never actually seen it in person, much less measured the distance to your ex husband’s house. She has many friends in the area and planned to moved to the area 2 years ago, a fact well known to her friends (of which you are not).

Furthermore, millions of people live in the same area/city as their Exs, and it is not an issue. Your ex husband is simply not important enough for it to be an issue or for her to care one way or another. She sincerely wishes he could move on as well.

As far as a bully, your ex assaulted her and left bruises on her. Pictures can and will be uploaded or can be text messaged directly to you at your request. And, in my opinion, any “man” who leaves bruises on a woman deserves far worse than an online tongue lashing. I am sure you would agree if a man did the same to your daughter.

Your ex husband is the one who can’t seem to let go and has begged her on multiple occasions to come over, have dinner, try again, have “bear-goat” conversations, and continue on. He is the one who got upset when she said no more because she had someone else.

And I am sure your ex-husband told you that he paid for her cell phone. You should ask him why. It’s because during the assault, he snatched it out of her hands, threw it across the room where it hit the wall and broke. He didn’t pay for my phone – he replaced it after he threw it and broke it.

My advice to you: Get your facts straight. And encourage your ex to stop drinking almost an entire bottle of vodka per night.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Don’t come on my blog looking for a fight and be surprised when you get one. And definately don’t seek me out unless you have the correct information. Go back home, and keep doing whatever he says, so he keeps giving you the money, honey. (Better you than me. I can’t live under a man’s thumb like that no matter how much money he has.) BTW, he did all that whike YOUR children where there.

P.S. Wynter, don’t you get tired of being his puppet-for -pay when he pits two women against each other? Women are supposed to cheer and build each other up. Why don’t you step out of the drama and tell him to stuff it instead of fighting his battles? Maybe if you stopped enabling him, and started encouraging him to get help for his drinking, you wouldn’t be fighting any battles at all.

Little Bitch

When your ex (who treated you horribly), spends four months telling you how much he hates you, how much he doesn’t want you, and how horrible out you are, then whines and complains and cries when he finds out you are dating someone else. (And he still visits your blog several times a day)๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

EDIT: since the comment from his ex-wife winter, which can be found by clicking on Comments, I have decided to upload the pictures of the bruises my ex gave me on the night he also grabbed my cell phone out of my hands, threw it across the room where it hit the wall and broke. And I challenge anyone on this forum to defend any man who does that and leaves bruises on a woman.

Little Reminders

 

We all have those little reminders in life. Those moments were we are reminded of mistakes that we’ve made and to appreciate how far we’ve come since those mistakes. This entire week has been an example of all of those Little moments, culminating tonight into one ridiculous example of a temper tantrum.

All this week, and tonight especially I have been reminded by Little moments of why a crazy ex is indeed an ex. And in that process I have come to appreciate even more the man I am dating now.

When someone is miserable, spiteful, vindictive, and an alcoholic, they lash out at others and they throw tamper Tantrums. This is the main reason why my ex and I parted ways. Long fights of him screaming and cussing, followed by apologies and invitations to have what he called Bear-Goat conversations which he was too drunk to remember later.

He would always come back begging me to please give him another chance after he behaved horribly. And for a while I did. Until I just simply grew tired of his his verbal, mental, emotional, and finally physical abuse and eventually destruction of personal property.

There is a saying that you don’t realize how bad someone has mistreated you until someone else comes along and treats you better. And indeed that is the case. Now I no longer have to worry about being yelled at or accused of strange things, or have in my personal property destroyed. I no longer have to fear what might be done in moments of anger and rage.

And when the crazy ex found out, he threw a Monumental temper tantrum. But the only thing he actually succeeded in doing was reminding me why I’m so thankful he’s the ex and why I’m abundantly thankful for my current.

And then those Little moments I realize how far I have come and how much I have grown since leaving my ex. I have my confidence back, I have a new zest and love for life, and I am happier now than I have been in many years. I have people around me, friends and family, who absolutely love and cherish me.

Another reason to get crazy or negative people out of your life it’s because they thrive on unrest and un-peace. They Thrive and creating chaos that sucks all the happiness and energy out of your life. Because they themselves are so miserable themselves that the only way they know how to survive is to try to make others as miserable as they are. And it usually works if you stay around them long enough.

When you step away from these horribl

negative emotional vampires, you see the sunlight again and suddenly you have energy. You will find yourself smiling and maybe even singing around the house. It is all because these vampires are not sucking the energy out of your life. And when the negative is removed, it makes room for positive things to come in. When you are no longer giving your energy to destructive relationships, healthy people and healthy relationships suddenly start appearing in your life and your path. Opportunities that you would have missed otherwise will find you, because your energy has shifted.

Life is short. Pay attention to all those Little moments when you are made to realize why crazy, negative, or abusive people are not in your life anymore. And when that ex gets vindictive when they find out that you moved on with someone better, walk away smiling with your head held high. Because that ex just needs to move on and realize there’s nothing left and if they wanted you in their life, they should have treated you better the first time.

A Little poem about being a Little wasted

Little Wasted opportunities
Is all I see ahead
Wasted chances and dances
Is what you delivered instead

Crying and promising
All those pretty fake words
Wasted shots, all for naught
Yet all is well in all my worlds

An optimistic heart
Is a beggerโ€™s dream
All for fun and games he smiles
And he never felt ashamed

Opportinity chances and shots
Wasted all the same
A financial salesman lied
But heโ€™ll say that sheโ€™s to blame

Oh yes, it was all wasted
For the small temporary high
Of all his anger and control
Now her absence leaves a hole

Little Wasted opportunities
Now will haunt him late at night
Ringing in his ears, his words
Of their very last bad fight.

Little wasted words and heartbeats
She left the the man untrue
Because you took her for granted
Youโ€™re shocked that sheโ€™d leave you

All those Little wasted moments
And yet youโ€™ll never learn
That a woman will never stay
Where her heart gets burned

What I learned from Dating an Alcoholic

Ever relationship we have should teach us something, about life, about others, about ourselves, maybe even a combination. And I don’t think any relationship is a mistake, especially if you fell in love,  Because when we fall in love, no matter how it ends, that means we still have the capacity to love and care for another. And that is what life is all about. That being said, I would not want to repeat this relationship and I would do it very differently if I had the chance – as in I would politely say no if I knew then what I know now.

It started out innocently enough, a Facebook message from from a friend I went to high school with  He was the best looking and most popular guy in high school, but a bit of a bad boy who drank and smoked. He had a bad home life but his good looks and charm made those things easy to overlook.  Soon turned to texting,it  then long phone conversations. And soon he asked me out – flying in just for the night to take me to dinner.

I was flattered to say the least. He was successful, a financial executive, and I always had a crush on him. Soon he showered me with romance – trips to wonderful places, wining and dining, flying in just to see me, or flying me out to see him. There was a weekend in the Cayman Islands, with champagne on the balcony overlooking the ocean and rose petals on the floor, making a heart on the bed. I had never been so romanced. It was fun and fabulous.

But even then I noticed that he dank a lot. Way to much than I was used to or thought was normal. But he was successful, so who was I to judge? He did have a lot of drama with 4 kids and two ex wives, one not completely an ex yet as they were going through a very contentious divorce. But he made it sound like both women were terrible, and with all that charm I was swept up.

He said I love you quickly, as in a couple of weeks of dating – something that scared me.  But friends who were tired of my ever cautious nature told me to just enjoy it and let myself fall for once. I talked to him about it, and he asked my why I was so scared, and assured me I was safe within his love. And so I fell very, very much in love.

And then things took a very sinister turn. I did not know it at the time, but he was drinking 1/2-3/4 of a large bottle of bourbon per day. His personality changed and he became angry, lashing out and acting irrationally,  accusing me of strange things, yelling at me, picking fights then manipulating me to think it was my fault, or that I was just imaging the changes in him. But I knew I wasn’t. He was Mr. Perfect, now he was Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde – I never knew who I was going to get.

This continued until a mutual high school friend stayed with him told me the truth about what was really going on and how much he was really drinking. It all made sense then – the radical mood swings, the high blood pressure, the issues with his heart and thinking he was having a stroke. I immediately made sure he went to counseling, went to several doctors to get his health under control, made sure he got on and took his proper medication. 

He decided to move back to his home state and he wanted to stay with me while he looked for a house and I agreed to help with stability and sobriety. We were back on track, madly in love again and planning to move in together and get married. It was a dream come true. Or so I thought.

My dreams came crashing down when I went to see him a day early for Christmas after he moved and was waiting for me to follow. I caught him drinking bourbon with his college buddies. This wasn’t just a relapse either. He became extremely angry with me, blaming for for having no right be there, even though we were planning to move in together. He went back and forth between blaming me for the relapse, to admitting he had a drinking problem to denying he was an alcoholic at all, then he even talking to his Dad who had been sober for 30 years because of his own drinking problem.

But he never quit drinking. And it only got worse from there. As he continued to drink he became more and more paranoid, accusing me of bizarre plans and actions. He became increasingly difficult insisting I had alternator motives for everything from stealing his things, to extortion of money, faking health issues to get his attention. It was like this man lived in his own Twilight Zone.

At the same time he would get insanely jealous if I mentioned any other men, even crying sometimes, he would call and text me in the middle of the night, he would insist we meet up at odd times for strange reasons, then get mad and lash out refusing to meet, punishing me if I disagreed with him in any way.

What did I learn from this experience? An addict is an addict, is an addict. Other’s warned me about getting involved with an alcoholic, because addicts have certain traits and behaviors. But I was stupid because I had more faith in him that that, because I loved him. How much you love them doesn’t matter. Here are other things I learned:

God did not put me on this earth to take care of a drunk: Hands down the most important lesson I learned.

You can’t save them: I tried. I naively thought that if I stuck by him and loved him enough, I could get him in therapy and treatment, and he would be fine.  And we could go back to how wonderful things were in those first 5 months. That was assuming that he actually admitted he had a problem.  He didn’t. And he was very angry at me because I knew.

It doesn’t matter what you do, the relationship will end: I tried everything and nothing worked, least of all love. I tried tough love, soft love, true love, and everything in between. I tried apologizing, I tried talking, I tired sex even. Nope. He was still drinking. And still angry.

They will blame you and make it your fault: No mater what it it was, he made it my fault so he could be the victim. When he yelled at me, it was my fault. When I caught him drinking with his buddies that night, it was my fault because I showed up early. When he was mean to me in Akron, it was my fault, everything he did was my fault. And heaven forbid if I stood up for myself. Then he called me a bitch.

They will manipulate you: When he was yelling at me an I said he was being an ass, he said “I am not. You are just imaging that I am.”

They will Lie: Many times he told me he wasn’t still drinking. And as it turns out he lied each and every time. He would make me feel guilty when I questioned him accusing me of not trusting him.

They are insecure: He was constantly paranoid and was accusing me of thinking he was stupid, even though he had more education. I had to constantly pump up his self esteem by telling him how great he was every day. And he got very jealous if I mentioned any other guys – even just friends. He would accuse me of sleeping with them or say things like “tell them to call me if they need any tips on pleasing you.”

They will alienate you from your friends: This man contacted my friends causing drama and issues just so he could be in control. If he could alienate me from my friends, then I would have no place to go once I was with him.

There are more lessons, but those are the big ones.  Basically one of the biggest things that I learned is that I did nothing wrong. The relationship would have failed not matter what I did because he was an alcoholic. Whether I was an angel or the devil to him it wouldn’t have mattered, the issues were deep within him, and there was nothing I could do.

 

 

 

 

Creepy

Have you ever seen something and it just creeped you out and made you feel extremely uneasy? I have felt that way quite a bit especially when I look at my statistics for the blog. I have a tracker that tells me the IP address and location for each visitor. And it also gives me the individual MAC address for each device that visits.

Most of the time I am a bit complimented when an ex visits my blog, as I am very often described as the “one who got away.” But we all have those few exes that we don’t want to hear from and we wish would just go away.

I have one recent ex who is particularly creepy because of some very disturbing fantasies he had about me and bizarre things he said to me and about me. He seems to be further obsessed with this blog, downloading specific pictures of me several times per day. It’s worse because we are in the same area.

So to you: GO AWAY. I have moved on. Go bother someone else.

The pictures he always looks at (closest to when we were in high school together):

How many times he downloads the pictures in a day:

The stats:

Playground Bullies

We are all familiar with children having to deal with bullies in the classroom or on the playground. But what happens when those kids grow up into adult bullies? Well, I have a theory about that. Adult bullies are nothing but cowards.

They pick on those whom they think are weaker and smaller, pushing them around because others are too nice or timid to put them in their place.I have never been that timid. even as a child.When I was a child I complained to my Mom about bullies. Her answer was that I needed to fight back or stop complaining. And she told me that if I fought back, if I didn’t draw blood, then I couldn’t come home. I think she would have loved Texas, as she had a very Texas attitude.

And so I took her advice and learned to be fierce when fighting bullies. I can’t stand them and I have to admit that I actually enjoy putting them in their place. Because I am a very nice, live and let live person, until you continue to bully me.

Everyone has bad days, or even goes through a bad time. But if you continually come after me, I will eventually fight back. And by the time I have had enough and finally stick up for myself, the bully is usually left crying on the sand box.

They should have thought about that before they were a bully and a coward picking on the mild mannered person they assumed was too timid to fight back.

I recently encountered a bully from high school. Yes he was a bully even back then, and hadn’t changed too much, except he gained weight and lost his hair. Too bad he hadn’t matured past high school and was still trying to prove he was the king of the lunch room. He also forgot that men who verbally or emotionally bully women don’t get much sympathy.

Also to throw a temper tantrum because you got rejected romantically is not only immature, but a sign that a Mental Health professional is needed. We all know that rejection hurts and nobody likes it, but when you threatened to sue someone because they don’t like you romantically after you’ve been a huge bully, is a bit ridiculous. Maybe that person should grow up and stop and yanking the pigtails of the girl he likes.

Life is short, too short to deal with cowards and bullies.

#DontMessWithTheRedhead

When You’re Right

There is such a thing as being a gracefull winner. Just like being a good loser, it is considered good sportsmanship. You don’t brag, you don’t gloat, you shake hands, tell them good game, smile and gracefully move forward.

But what about when the other person has been horrible to you, and you turn out to be right? Well, theoretically you should be graceful especially then. I would love to say that I am that good of a person. But I am not.

Sometimes it is necessary to gloat, and talk smack, and give that medicine right back. After all, if they can’t take it, they shouldn’t dish it out. And I feel no sympathy for those who are cruel, then get upset when they are treated like they treated others.

So if you find yourself in the position of being right…you should always be a gracious winner. But if, every now and then, you aren’t….then make sure you enjoy rubbing their nose in it, until it’s sore and red.

Life is short. Be good most of the time. Truly be the best person you can be, every day. The to 10% of the time…if you are going to be a bad winner….enjoy it.

It is What it is

“It is what it is and it ain’t gettin’ no isser.”

I remember hearing this quote one day watching the news after the tornado destroyed an older gentleman’s home. They were interviewing him about the incident, as news crews do, and asked him how he felt about looking at what used to be his home. He was older, had teeth missing, was wearing a worn out shirt and was clearly weathered, but he spoke some of the wisest words I had ever heard.

What that quote communicated to me, was that there are events in life where it really doesn’t matter how you feel about them; whether you like what happened, or even if you agree with it, what “it” is – It is what it is and it ain’t changing. Your approval is not required.

And so I am reminded as I sit at home, exhausted from traveling to help two dear friends. I flew up to help, but they asked me to stay an extra day to help out a bit more with scheduling work and children and care repairs. The trip had a lot of tension and a bit of fighting between the man and his friend, and it was extremely uncomfortable for me. I just wanted to be out of the drama and negative atmosphere, but the situation was what it was, and they needed extra help. I could not change anything, but always choose to help others of you can, especially if children are involved. Little did I know staying an extra day would turn into a travel day from HELL.

The flight was supposed to leave at 7pm…4 delays, 3 gate changes and 5 HOURS later, we finally took off – with no ac on the flight, and two tired, screaming babies sitting behind me.  We landed at 3am. I was finally able to get a Lyft to the Marta station where my car is parked, only to find the parking deck closed. I had to call a friend to come at get me – at 4:15am. I am finally home now, ready for a long sleep at almost 6am.  I have been up about 24 hours and am exhausted.

And all the while I kept hearing that quote in my head – “it is what it is and it ain’t getting no isser.”

My dear man (who is trying to win me back) just kept apologizing and saying that I had been so to gracious stay, only to have to stay up all night traveling – only to have everything go wrong (and boy it did).. And he marveled that I had not even complained once.  Oh, it was not that I wasn’t tempted to complain at all…but at some point when things go THAT wrong, you can get mad, you can cry, or you can laugh.

The other part of that quote is even if you get mad and bent all out of shape, it still is what it is. It’s not changing. So no matter how upset I got, there was nothing I could do to change anything. So I just laughed.

And that is the thing about life. Sometimes you just have to accept things and people as they are. You cannot change them or some circumstances, so you laugh and shake it off. You cannot control what happens, but you can control how you react. If someone is being mead to you, find the humor, shake your head and laugh. Even when someone hurts you, just take it with a grain of salt, because you cannot change them. And from a personal perspective, once I experienced the death my parents and the loss of my family, nothing and no one can ever hurt me like that…so it really doesn’t matter what anyone does or says. When you have no fear of being hurt, or answering to other’s opinions of you, you find total freedom and power. All that from a tiny quote.

Life is short. Time is precious and finite – just ask anyone who has lost a loved one. So don’t spend time getting caught up in drama of a situation you cannot control or change. Go with the flow, relax and have a good time. Because the truth of the matter is – it ain’t getting no isser, so you might as well accept it.

Stealing Christmas

Most people love the holidays. It is just a cheerful time with gifts and family and friends. And sometimes when we have to make our own holidays and celebrate life. Sometimes when were go through a difficult time, or deal with difficult people, we still have to find time and reasons to enjoy life.

It feels like Christmas in July the last 36 hours. There has been peace, laughter, a few tears, lots of great conversation, trips being planned, people making miraculous recoveries, prayer, smiles, good food and good music. The weather has even cooled down to a more tolerable level.

And this is what happens when you rid your life of emotional vampires who suck the life out of life itself. These people cause so much drama and misery, that getting rid of them frees up so much of your time to put into constructive things. I have had time to concentrate on my career, to meditate, to exercise, to clean, to organize, to connect with close friends and plan a few trips.

And why do these emotional vampires exist? Why do they cause drama in the lives of those around them? I don’t know if they do it for control, or to feel important, or for some other reason. And it really doesn’t matter, because the result is the same. And I know that these people are not happy with themselves or their lives, because happy have extremely different behavioral patterns.

So enjoy the time and energy that is returned to you. Use it well, don’t waste it. Our time on this earth is so fleeting, and can change in an instant, as anyone who has lost a loved one knows. Steal your Christmas back, that joy, that excitement, that love of life. Give yourself the gift of all those things you did not have time to do, or say, or plan. I promise you that you will find wonderful things with which to fill the empty spaces.

Life is short. Celebrate it. Love it. Fill it up, drink it up, live it up.

The Addiction

โ€œBecause God is never cruel, there is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others, and we would become monsters of self-regard, creatures of unalloyed self-interest. The terrible pain of loss teaches humility to our prideful kind, has the power to soften uncaring hearts, to make a better person of a good one.โ€
โ€• Dean Koontz, The Darkest Evening of the Year

One of the worst things in the world is to watch someone with an addiction kill themselves because of that addiction. Whether a parent, a partner, a friend, a child or a spouse, it is heartbreaking and gut wrenching. The reason why it is so hard is that in addition to seeing the addict suffer emotionally and many times see their physical health decline, you also have to deal with them lashing out, lying and manipulating in order to maintain the substance abuse.

Taking care of someone with a substance abuse problem can be exhausting and alcoholism will destroy any relationship. It tears families, friends and lovers apart. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, and the addict, is to walk away.

This is a painful lesson I had to learn with not only an ex boyfriend, but one of my best friends too. The ex was the most popular and best looking boy in high school, the one who all the girls had a crush on, including me. And he was very successful….but he was drinking himself the death.

Similar story with one of my besties, I had known since I was 18. She was one of the smartest and most talented people I have ever met. She could do anything she put her mind to, except quit. And when she met and fell in love with another addict, it just made the situation worse. The their relationship turned physically violent, but she always went back because he could give her the substances. And there was nothing to be done. So I had to walk away in order to save my own heart.

My friend had a wonderful life to live, her two adult children graduating with honors and starting their own brilliant lives, an amazing career she had worked hard for, and everything ahead of her and her empty nest. The ex has 4 children, an amazing career, a beautiful home, had a relationship with a wonderful woman (me), and many friends who loved him. We should all be so lucky and blessed and fortunate in our lives have so many reasons to live. And yet the only thing they wanted to do is be in the dark with the addictions. And so it will be until they hit rock bottom.

And my job now is to make sure I am not rock bottom. My job now is to love myself enough to walk away until they get help, each on e their own. And that is what you have to do with an addict. Because they won’t stop. You cannot help anyone who doesn’t want help. Until they hit rock bottom, their addiction will make them toxic to everything and everyone they touch.

Are they bad people? No. They are just lost and miserable. No one in that position is happy. So you must have compassion for them, without allowing yourself to be drawn in to the drama. Pray for them. Be nice to them. Even love them. But do it from a distance.

Life is short, choose your paths and your actions and those in your life wisely. We all need a little help and support sometimes, but there’s a difference between helping someone who wants help and who needs it, and wasting your precious time, you’re finite time, on someone who has no intentions of keeping their promises. Because sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is love and pray for them from a safe distance. Live your life to the fullest and leave the dysfunctional adults behind. If they are meant to be in your life, they will get their life together and catch up.

To Bill’s Friends

Just want to take a moment to say hello to all of Bill’s friends. He said that you read this blog and report back to him what it says.

Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day and your busy schedules to stop by and not only read my blog, but discuss it and dissect it at length with an ex-boyfriend. You have no idea how much it means to me that you would all be that interested in my writing and my life. I truly have no words to describe the level of respect I have for you and your task.

I never would have thought that any of you would have had that much time to spend on me.

So thank you again, and I invite you to stop by as often as you like. ๐Ÿ™‚

Honest People are not Suspicious People

It has long been said that those who accuse are often guilty of that which they accuse. Do we really even know what that means? To me quite plainly, it means that if someone is accusing you of things you’ve never done, or even thought of doing, you need to take a look at what they themselves are doing in their lives to make them so suspicious of you. For example, I have never been accused of cheating by someone who wasn’t actually cheating. They were suspicious of me because they were the ones Steppin Out.

But it doesn’t just stop at accusations of cheating. If someone is accusing you of odd or bizarre things, then it’s time to step away. In my last relationship I was accused of many things, including cheating, lying about taking trips, and health issues. Where did this person come up with all thia crazy stuff? I honestly don’t know. Maybe he had been hurt long before I entered the picture, or maybe it was from a horrible childhood, or maybe it was from the things he was doing and hiding from me all along, or maybe it was just because he was crazy. What I do know, is that good honest people are not suspicious of others. Because good honest people are not manipulative, and their minds don’t twist that way. So unless there is solid proof that a wrong is being done, it never even crosses the mind of the honest and unassuming.

Take a closer look at who is accusing you. I guarantee there will be something about them or their life that doesn’t add up. Not only that, those who accuse are often incredibly miserable themselves. They don’t have anything better to do than lie, manipulate, and then deflect and project onto others. Trust me, it is not worth your time to try to prove your innocence to the accusers. Let them think what they want, and you go on living your best life. Revenge truly is a dish best served cold, when they see you, without them, living your happy life, it will burn them up.

And all those accusations and lies and manipulations that they had going on in their life? Trust me, it will catch up with them, it’s called karma. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a chance to see it. If you’re really lucky you’ll get a chance to be driving the karma bus when it hits them.

Whichever way it happens, just make sure that you separate yourself from the constantly suspicious. They will make your life miserable with their constant accusations that they’ve made up in their own sick and twisted Minds. There is no way for you to fight the accusations, or prove them wrong.

Because no matter what you say or do, it will not be enough for these people. So let them go ahead and think what they want and make up their minds about you, they will anyway no matter what you do or say. And know that the accusations they make against you, says much more about them than it does you. Whatever accusations they make, it is a keyhole into their own dark, Twisted hearts. As a matter of fact, the accusations they make have absolutely nothing to do with you at all. When someone makes crazy or bizarre accusations against you, it’s because they’re messed up in the heart and the head, not you. Walkaway secure and that knowledge.

Actually run, because these people will suck the life and the energy right out of every single room and every single relationship that they happen to be in. The suspicious people will cause drama and damage wherever they go and to whomever is the closest to them. Because they are so damaged themselves that they must damage others. They are so insecure in themselves that they must do their best to make others as insecure as they are.

Don’t fall for it. And don’t let them make you feel guilty for leaving either. Depending on their level of dysfunction, they may use guilt or anything else they can throw at you to make you stay so they can continue accusing and abusing you. Don’t be surprised if you see the kitchen sink flying through the air when they get desperate. And they will attack you in any way necessary to keep you right where you are, right where they can keep accusing you and tearing you down.

Move on, and surround yourself with people secure enough within themselves that they do not have to tear others down or make ridiculous accusations in order to feel better about their lives. Trust the process and your own instincts, and know that you have done nothing wrong nor have you done anything to deserve that which you are being accused.

Life is short. So spend time with those people who believe in you and Build You Up, not those could throw suspicious side eye and have diarrhea of the mouth with their Twisted imagination and their accusations. Getting away from these people will make you much, much happier in the long run.

Toxicity

Several of my friends and I are going through a process of of pruning all of the toxic people out of our lives. And sometimes it can be uncomfortable to prune, because for some reason we owe these toxic people with their toxic behaviors a place in our lives. Maybe because they are family, maybe because they are or were a partner, maybe because you have known them for so long, maybe because you have mutual friends. It could be a number of things. But let me say this very clearly, if someone disturbs your peace, get them out.

And some behaviors are more toxic than others. One of the more recent ones I have run into is someone who was so incredibly arrogant, he insulted my profession is many ways, all the while with a smile on his face, which makes it even more diabolical. He is a self proclaimed “finance guy”, what ever that means. And he made sure he knew that he was more than an accountant, because accountants have no clue. Then he told me that my work as a loan processor and writing about finance was not making financial decisions, like he did. And that is why he was so much more superior than I…and all accountants, all mortgage processors,  and writers….

WOW.

First, what an arrogant ass. I am surprised that he can actually fit int he car with the size of that ego. What in the world makes someone so arrogant and…snobby? A LOT of insecurity and no gratitude at all. First, there is nothing wrong with processors, accountant, writers, janitors…or anyone else this horrible person looks down upon. While I have never been a processor or accountant, I have tremendous respect for what they do. And I treat everyone the same from a millionaire to a janitor, because they are, we are, all human beings with our own stories.

How miserable, insecure of ungrateful this poor person is. But, as much pity as we feel for them, get that person out. Miserable people will make everyone around them miserable because hurt people, hurt people. And mark my words, it is only a matter of time before someone that arrogant hurts you. Because with someone that miserable, will pick you apart and criticize you no matter what you do. Because they will always feel superior to you and everyone else. And because they are so arrogant, they will never see their wrong doing or admit it even if they did. Cut them out and run away like the wind.

The main thing that I want in this life is love – to give love and receive it as well.Those toxic people will never give you love, or if they do it will be extremely conditional and short lived – only there when you do exactly what they want. Forgetaboutit! And move on. it’s not worth it. That high level of toxicity will suck the life and energy out of your life, leaving you completely depleted and exhausted.

I want that love in my life, from my friends, family, and partners. I want to live a very simply 1950s life with no drama and love all around me. Does that sound ridiculous? Maybe to some. But I believe it can happen, but only after all the toxicity has been removed.

Life is short, too short to give toxic people another minute of your time. Live your best life without them. You’ll thank me later.

Lessons Learned

Everyone, at some point un their lives, usually several times, goes through a time where they walk away from relationsgips that are no longer good and healthy. And if we do not do this often enough, if we ignore the red flags for too long, God or the Universe, makes us do it.

It has been an emotional time in the House of Ada, between family deaths and drama, and other outside issues. And most have been supprtive and kind. Most. I have written extensively on grief and the importance the support of those around you. But it is not just about grief.

If you are going through a hard time, whether from grief, or health issues, or loss of job, or whatever, those around you have the power to help heal you, or harm you. If you are surrounded by love and support, those who treat you Bentley, healingbis much easier. But those who are constantly cruel and who constantly through you in choas and emotional pain, while you are going through hard times, are not your friends. Nor do they love you. For your own healing and sanity, walk away from them. No, actually run.

If you are in a relationship, your partner should absolutely be a source of peace and comfort. Lovers who refused to be kind and show compassion during hard times need to be shed.

I think that romantic Partners have a particular power to heal or harm their significant others during a rough patch. Constant picking and fighting but wear anyone down even the best of times. So if your partner is constantly picking fights when they know that you are emotionally vulnerable and in need of empathy and support, that is a conscious decision. They are making a conscious decision to either support you or to harm you. Everyone has a bad day and everyone makes mistakes, but if being mean to you is a consistent trend, get away from them as fast as you can.

Your partner should be your protector. Your partner should be the one you can go to in your absolute most vulnerable state, and never fear that anything bad will ever happen to you. They should hold you, say they love you, say that it’s all going to be okay, and reassure you and support you in any way they can. If they don’t, then that is a huge red flag.

Those who love you will be there for you, and will be nice to you, regardless. Those who love you will support you through your rough patch. Those who constantly fight or ceeate issues where none existed, are only doing so to fullfill their own petty needs.

Remember that. Pay attention to those that support you, pay attention to those who who are kind…and those who are not. And chalk it up to lessons learned.

Life is too short to spend time around assholes. Move on, live your life, do you, amd if they were meant to be a part of your life, they will catch up.

Toxic Shock

There are some people thatvare simply so toxic that you cannot have them in your life. No communication what so ever, because even the most innocent of communication will be manipulated. These are people who ate so miserable within themselves, that they must hurt others to make themselves feel better. And these people are dangerous. They cannot be trusted, even if they come in kindness or as doing you a favor. A snake is still a snake no matter how you dress it up.

The best thing to be done is to simply walk away. Because they will never change, they will,never admit wrong doing – the will even play the victim. Don’t believe it and don’t get sucked in. Because Karma will catch up to them.

I have witness this in full this week. And I was able to drive the Karma bus right to their driveway and hand them the full plate…of their own medicine. Except I just told the truth. And now I walk away, clear conscience, after throwing the match to burn,the bridge to the ground.

Because I got tired of bending over backwards for these people, making exceptions and tolerating more than I should, because they had a bad childhood or a horrible mother. We all have our crosses in life, and that is no excuse to be a horrible human being.

And that was it. I owe them nothing more than the truth and they got it in spades. I am done being nice to bad people. Done making excuses because they did not have what I was given. I am done being nice out of obligation or duty to those who have no place at the family table.

And I am done with them period. There is no anger or bitterness, only relief that their existance will no longer even be acknowledged. There is relief now that all of it has been released.

And in life that is what must be done sometimes. You must get rid of the possibility of toxic shock sundrome in your life, which means walking away from all toxic people. And trust me, the best revenge truly is being happy and living your best life. Because that will eat them up alive. But you will be too busy being happy to notice.

The Twilight Zone

Let’s say there was a single father who was looking for a CFO job at a children’s hospital. And that single father knew the places he interviewed would never hire him if he was a single father. So begs his ex-girlfriend to fly up with him during the interviews and pretended to be his fiance, and lie to his potential employers about whether or not he will be married and not be a single father soon.

So she, in an effort to help him get closer to his family and two other children, reluctantly agrees to be his “pretend fiance.” She pays for her own airfare, all of her own expenses, as he says the company will cover all of her costs and reimburse her, since she us his “fiance.” Never mind that it is all a lie.

The companies wine and dine him, sending out relocation specialists to drive him and the “fiance” around, show them the area, take them to lunch, and find out “their” preferences.

She goes to both meetings in both cities, performing well. This is to help him get closer to his children, she tells herself when her conscience rumbles. He, being the psychopath, takes full advantage of her, using her. He barely says three sentences to the first relocation Specialists, smugly leaning back in the backseat as he forces her to take the lead on a relocation and lie about the life that isn’t even her own.

The second meeting with the relocation specialists, he refuses to talk to her, or look at her, or show any kind of affection to her…do the two female relocation specialist notice he doesn’t hold her hand or even open the car door for her…when they are supposed to be engaged?

His actions in both meetings and in both cities, with both relocation specialist teams, baffle her. Why did he beg her to help, why did he go through so much trouble to lie, why was she there, why did he insist that she wear engagement ring, (which sees supplied herself), if he wasn’t going to act like they were engaged? What was the purpose of him begging her to be there, pretending to be engaged, if he was going to behave this way?

She shrugged her shoulders and determined that the jobs must not have been important to him at all, since he was trying to lie to get them in the first place. And so she Shrugged her shoulders again, ended the lie he begged her to perform in, returned to being his ex-girlfriend, and she lived happily ever after.

As for him…? Who cares. He shouldn’t have tried to lie to get the jobs in the first place.

The Date

Getting ready for a first date is always a bit of a thrill. It is fun to be girly, get dressed up with hair and make up on a beautiful spring evening. And after the last few weeks of dealing the Crazy Man (aka Bill Little), his yelling, cussing, verbal abuse, game playing and manipulation… I am looking forward to a nice, calm dinner full of smiles and first date conversation.

He has been interested in me for a while, but we never seem to be single at the same time. Until now. When he heard that Crazy Man and I had called it quits, he moved in quickly. Never one to waste any time, I received roses at work (how he pulled that off is still a mystery). When he found out CM was trying to win me back, he simply chuckled and said there was no competition as far as he was concerned. He could offer me what Crazy Man could not: Stability and consistency, kindness and compassion. Indeed.

That is the thing about first dates…if Crazy Man had been good to be and treated me right, this man and I would never be going out in the first place. Because new guy would not have been able to ask me out. I am a faithful woman, and I don’t cheat. Crazy had his chance, and he was such a partner that another man was able to come in and say that I deserved better.

And so legs are shaved, almost too short but still classy spring dress is on, lipstick applied, hair pretty, shoes perfect and phone on silent…and the sky is a beautiful color blue.

Acceptance

There comes a time in life where we all must accept the individual truths of our lives. No matter what we want, or need, or dream, or desire, some truths over rule all of it.

We are read fairy tales as children. We are taught that Prince Charming is always charming, that he will always love you, and that happily ever after does exist. And indeed, we see it in real life too. My parents had a fairy tale. I know several others who met and married the love of their lives and have their happily ever after.

But the reality of life is that some people never get the fairy tale. Some people never great the happily ever after, the wonderful family, the happy ending.

I have always wanted it and that is the problem. I always wanted a partner whom I could love and who would love me back. A man who, while not perfect, would still always treat me with respect and gentle kindness. I saw how my Dad treated my Mother. I always wanted a huge family, with a ridiculous amount of children running around.

And I really think that men use dangling the “fairy tale” and “wedding stuff” over women just to get what they want. The last guy I dated sure did. He would talk about wanting to build this beautiful life together, making all kinds of promises to me, only to yell and cuss me out later in the night because…well, honestly I have no idea why. Is this what love has been turned into now? Is this what it means to be with someone now? Is this what is out there now? Is this the best that it gets now? No thanks.

They say that you get what energy you put out there. But I don’t think it works that way with love. Because love involves another person. And I have put every good, pure, hopeful, romantic intention out there. If he was out there, if he existed, or even came close to existing, I would have found him, he would have found me, we would have found each other.

So I don’t get the fairy tale, the traditional family, the wonderful partner. Some people just don’t get those things in life. And maybe if I just accept that I will stop being hurt and disappointed when ANOTHER faker breaks promises. Because I am not really as tough as I pretend to be. And I am tired of being hurt. It’s exhausting.

So I am officially giving up and throwing in the towel. I simply do not have the stamina for all the lies, games and roughness required for dating in these modern times. My heart is too tender. So, I will redefine things moving forward. Maybe I’ll buy myself a ridiculously huge engagement ring, adopt a few more cats and settle in my own world in the new place. Just because you don’t have the fairy tale doesn’t mean you can’t be happy, right? And is romance really worth it if it’s fake?

Itโ€™s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag whoโ€™s only holding Cinderella back. Thatโ€™s my girl.โ€ โ€• Emma Chase, Tangled

Little Wasted

A Little poem about being a Little wasted

Little Wasted opportunities
Is all I see ahead
Wasted chances and dances
Is what you delivered instead

Crying and promising
All those pretty fake words
Wasted shots, all for naught
Yet all is well in all my worlds

An optimistic heart
Is a begger’s dream
All for fun and games he smiles
And he never felt ashamed

Opportinity chances and shots
Wasted all the same
A financial salesman lied
But he’ll say that she’s to blame

Oh yes, it was all wasted
For the small temporary high
Of all his anger and control
Now her absence leaves a hole

Little Wasted opportunities
Now will haunt him late at night
Ringing in his ears, his words
Of their very last bad fight.

Little wasted words and heartbeats
She left the the man untrue
Because you took her for granted
You’re shocked that she’d leave you

All those Little wasted moments
And yet you’ll never learn
That a woman will never stay
Where her heart gets burned

Disapointment

Disappointment

There is always disappointment when a relationship doesnโ€™t work out. There is always a bit of grief when the life you started to think you might have with someone, suddenly gets uprooted in reality. And there is always disappointment when you find that you have let your guard down and trusted fake promises and reassurances. It is always a shock to find that the person you thought they were, is not who they really are behind the mask they presented as themselves. It goes beyond disappointment and into a feeling of betrayal actually.

Someone trusting you is a gift, and someone loving you is a privilege. Neither should be taken for granted. And when they are, it is betrayal as well. And most people think betrayal is just cheating when it comes to relationships. But it is so much more.

I always take my time in relationships because I have been hurt before. I like to make sure that the man who he actually says he is when the honeymoon phase it over and he is not on his best behavior anymore. I like seeing what happens after the butterflies, because that is what dailt life will be like with this person. You see them when they are upset, or mad, or stressed, or sad, or happy, or any other number of things. I like to make sure that they are sane, honest, considerate, gentle and kind. While no one is infallible, there are lines that cannot be crossed.

It is a mixture of betrayal and disapointment to find put that a mans actions embody every fear you have about falling in love, trusting, believing and hoping. Oddly enough, there is no anger. Anger that is not dealt with turns into bitterness. Bitterness makes you cruel. And I will never be like him. I will never be so consumed with anger that I am bitter and others pay for damage they didn’t do.

It has happened before, but this one stings a little more. Because I really wanted to trust and hope and believe. But there is a saying โ€“ when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. When I see who he is, I feel betrayed and disappointed. Betrayed because I he convinced me to trust, and disappointed in the man he turned out to be. I guess men do hunt for sport after all, I just thought the days of sporting for women was long out of fashion.

Life is short. Too short for bad relationships, people who disapoint you or those who don’t think having you is a priviledge.

Boundaries

Boundaries and an important part of a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to tell your partner what your boundaries are, and they will respect them. And if they happen to come across your boundaries or accidentally cross them, you should be able to tell them and they should completely back off and apologize for crossing that boundary. They should respect that boundary and they should respect you. It isn’t enough to say that they respect you or your boundaries, and then trample all over them. Their actions much match their words.

A healthy relationship is also dependent upon your partner knowing when to place your needs above theirs. If one person is constantly giving and the other is constantly taking, the relationship will not work. If one person is constantly taking care of another, and the caregivers needs are not being met, the relationship is unbalanced and it will not work. And in that sense both must be willing to take care of the other.

My most recent relationship ended in spectacular fashion, when I was completely exhausted taking care of him. He needed a lot of constant attention, and constant care. While there is nothing wrong with that, I was exhausted and needed some time to recuperate, and take care of my own things in my own life. However when my needs conflicted with his, he did not have the ability to put my needs even temporarily above his.

When I placed firm boundaries to make sure that the things in my life were taken care of, he crossed those boundaries again and again, insisting that his needs come before mine. In doing so he completely ruined the relationship by showing me that not only did he not respect me or my boundaries, but that I would be staying in a relationship where my needs were never met. To stay in that relationship would mean that I would constantly be giving, with nothing being given in return. A relationship cannot survive that way. Both people must be willing to give to each other.

I do not believe that our relationship is 50-50, I believe that sometimes it’s 80/20, or 60/40, or 70/30. There are times when one partner will be giving more than the other. But as long as the overall average is 50/50 then it will work. The problem is that this relationship that I was in was very unbalanced. I was giving everything, all of my time, and effort, and care. Even when I expressed needs, it was not reciprocated. Not only was it not reciprocated, but the demands upon me were increased.

To me, that is like living in captivity. Where the other person’s needs and desire for control, eclipses your needs. And you are being smothered to the point that you cannot breathe. My need was very simple, and yet it could not be granted even for 24-Hour reprieve. After three years of taking care of others to the point of total emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual exhaustion, I cannot do that again. I can only be with a partner who is supportive and willing to reciprocate. No one person in a relationship to be tasked with all the giving, because after a while you have nothing left to give.

Always make sure that your boundaries are respected, and that you take care of yourself so that you have something left to take care of others. Don’t worry if any given day it’s not 50/50, because as long as it balances out in the end it will work.

But if the balance is skewed, and one person is supporting and giving, and the other is only taking and not reciprocating, the relationship is doomed. No matter how much you love each other, the taker will always exhaust The Giver.

This man that I was in a relationship with is honestly a good man. But needed 24/7 communication and reassurance. I had to be available every minute that he was awake so he can have a conversations about work, and kids, and decisions, and relationships, and insecurities, and everything. And I had to be available to text back immediately should he reach out to me. If I didn’t then I would have even more text messages wanting to know where I was and why I wasn’t answering.

The last night of our relationship the conversation started at 8:30pm, and didn’t end until 4:30am the next morning. Eight hours. All but two hours of that time I was begging for a break, because I was exhausted from constantly communicating and having to reassure him of everything in his life. I just needed some time to get things in my life back in order, that have been neglected since I was constantly taking care of him. He didn’t see fit to give me that time, and still insisted that All his needs be met.

These details may be small, but there were several times that I had to warn him and ask him and eventually beg him to please back off so that I could have time and the energy and the space to take care of things in my life. I simply did not have several hours a day to dedicate to communicating and taking care of him. It reached a point where I was exhausted, my house was a mess, and I didn’t have time for friends or anything else that only taking care of him.

With my family situation there was no way to avoid complete and utter exhaustion and depletion. I was taking care of my parents alone, and while it was my honor and my privilege, it was extremely difficult. For my own sanity and mental health, I cannot afford to enter into a relationship that is as exhausting as taking care of my parents without anything in return. I have bad days too, and I have needs, and sometimes I need someone to take care of me too. And someday, I will find that relationship. One where the average is 50/50, one where my needs are occasionally placed first, one where there is no need to control, just to support, and one where boundaries are respected. Until then…