Mom and Dad, I love and miss you so much, more than words can say.
I have been doing everything to take care of the estate. We had buyers for the compound then two weeks before closing hurricane Michael cam e through. It didn’t destroy the place (thanks to your incredible design and insistence that it be build beyond code Dad), but it did sustain damage. Contractors are working on it. I have no idea what I am doing, but think I have navigated it pretty well. I hope you are proud, and I hope I have done things up to your incredible standards. Thank you for teaching me such integrity.
When I go there now, I see glimpses of you and Dad, but I don’t feel you there anymore. I think you guys are off dancing somewhere else in the universe, happy to be together. And I think you come back to visit when I am there, but you do not stay. After all, there must be so much to do in the afterlife. And I am sure that you are the social butterfly you always were, Mom, Making friends and laughing where ever you go And Dad, I know you are just happy to be with her, warmed by the light of her. So many people have and are helping me because of how much they loved you guys.
In a way I wonder if the hurricane was when you guys decided to leave the compound, use it as your exit. Mom, the gardens you made were destroyed, but most of the fruit trees made it. I guess in a way this makes it (emotionally) easier to sell, which is a blessing in it’s own way.
The family is a mess, if you can say it even exists at all. I have tried to put the siblings back together, but some things cannot be unbroken. And so I accept that I am alone. The cousins have been wonderful though, even though I have not had time to talk to them much. But they are very loving and kind. They are my last connection to you Dad and I want to keep those relationships going. I plan to see them all this coming year.
Mom, I cannot believe it has been almost 2.5 years since you passed away. I don;t know how I have done all of this without you. Accept I know you and God have been guiding me. I feel you so close sometimes, that I almost feel like I could reach out and touch you. But I can’t. I wish you would visit me more in my dreams. And I love when you and Dad give me signs, like the rainbow yesterday.
As hard as it will be to finally sell the compound, I am looking forward to the closure. You guys know how hard this has all been and how long it has taken to handle everything. It is time for that closure and for me to live my life, finally free. I am planning where to go and what to do after it all settles down. I am thinking of what I want life to be for me. I am not sure what it all looks like yet, but there is time.
The holidays (I think) will be easier this year than last. Last year was rough. But that first year always is. I am ready for it now. And I am taking a friends advice…I am not making it about family, but about love and friendships and laughter and making good memories. I will be with friends who, I am learning, are our family of choice. I wonder if you ever spent a Christmas alone like I did last year, Mom. And I wonder was it hard for your too? But this year is different.
I used to hate the idea of time passing without you guys. I still hate it, but I cannot change it, so instead I am learning to embrace it more. I look forward to not being able to say “My Dad died last year.” Because it means that I am moving forward like I know you would want me to. Like I know that I have to. I know that the best way to honor you, and to honor God, is to find all the Joy that life can hold. And I will. I will make this life spectacular. All the while, never forgetting that it is your blood that flows through my veins, my beautiful, beautiful parents.
I am going to decorate for Christmas like crazy this year. Two Christmas trees and ALL of the decorations. I will sit and be warm in the glow of everything Christmas and feel close to you both. I will not only embrace the holidays, I will choose to flourish and be love. And if I don’t have family around, then I will make my own world with all of my friends I love and who love me the most. Life can never be the same, but I can choose to make a life where I am happy and loved. If we write our own lives, then I can do that. If I don’t feel like I fit in or belong, then I will create my own world where I do.
I still listen to your voicemails, and they make me smile. I never want to forget the sound of your voices. Please keep watching over me and guiding me. And I hope that I make you proud. I have tried very hard to have Grace, but still be tough when needed. It can be a hard balance sometimes. Somehow both of you mastered it, and I hope to one day as well.
I hope you guys are happy where ever you are. And I often wonder, when I look at the moon, if you see it too from your view? Or are you magnificent stars, seeing the moon for yourself? Do you get to see the world, like you always wanted, traveling a new wavelength we cannot yet understand here on Earth? If so, I bet it is spectacular. Or, are you angels, helping just like you did here, just in a different way?
Know that I love you so very much, more than words can say. I honestly don;t know if I love you or miss you more? I carry you with me always. ee cummings said it best. Love you guys, always.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)