The Great Purge of 2019

Everyone at some point in their lives, if not several times in their lives, will feel the need to purge our lives. The desire to simplify, to lighten, to de-clutter can be overwhelming. What what precipitates such a desire?  It can be any number of things; such as a tumultuous time in life, or a session with a life coach, or maybe an impending move, it could be anything really.  For me it is a combination of several things.  After a difficult time, where I had to keep many things for many people, and keep records for just in case, I am now ready to purge what is not needed.

It is also letting go of my old life. It is letting go of everything that came before. And you can let go while still honoring the past. But you cannot build a future of you are still holding onto that “has happened.” And sometime you need to clean out the old to make room for the new.

I am ready for the new, ready to shed ALL OF IT. And so starts the Great Purge of 2019. I started with the clothes, and have bagged over 15 bags to be taken to the trash or Goodwill.  And the result is surprisingly cathartic.  I already feel so much lighter and more is coming. I contacted a charity to get the furniture that needs to go away.  And I am going through paperwork and old records that no longer need to be kept.  And last will be all the extra “stuff.”

It is time to clean out all the debris, all the old, all of the baggage, all of the irrelevant minutia that can bog down the mind and spirit. It is more than cleaning out, more that getting rid of clutter, it is the purging of all that I will not be taking with me in this move. It is exciting and wonderful, preparing for this new time.

Life is short. Clean it out sometimes. Take the old, dust it off, enjoy them memories and let go of the bad. Because in letting go we make room for all of the wonderful that is to come. And the wonderful is coming…a lot of it is already here.

When you have been shattered, the new you can emerge.

The Last Night

It was the last night at the compound, after two of the most difficult weeks. The contractor refusing to finish the job, having to get more contractors in to finish everything, lots of family drama, lots of loose ends to get tied up, lots of rain making things hard, not much sleep and a lot of stress.  And then…suddenly, it was the night before closing, and all through the house, I was the only mouse stirring.

It was surreal as I gently packed up the last of what I would take and arranged everything to look good for the new family that would move in in less than 24 hours. I cried, as I thought of all the wonderful memories of the good times here, while we were all still a family. FAMILY. A sacred word in that space, in that house in that time.

But it was time to let it all go.  Life then is not the same life it is now.  So many are gone and not coming back. It was time to pass the torch to another family, to make wonderful memories in that beautiful place. Other laughter, other good times, other gifts given to others from others. Yes, it was time to let go.

And on that last night, there was closure of the circle. And I slept sound, comfortable in the knowledge that all was as it should be.  That the saga was over, and life is budding with new opportunities.

And in that last night, I said goodbye. And is saying goodbye, I found Peace.  And isn’t that just how life is?  Sometimes, even when it is difficult, when it is time to let go, there is a peace at the end of it. And after all, that which gives you peace will lead to happiness. And so it goes…

Stop Chasing What no Longer Serves You

Stop chasing what no longer serves you. We see this messages in all of it’s various forms all over the place.  Social media, books, billboards, cards, the message is loud and clear if we can truly receive, comprehend and apply it. and it applies to a job, marriage, relationship, family, hobbies, and anything else that may no longer serve us.  But what exactly does it mean and how do we go about doing it?

To me, not chasing after what doesn’t serve us, means that first we have to recognize that what it is, is no longer beneficial to us. Does that sound selfish or superficial?  It shouldn’t. If you no longer enjoy your job, if it causes you more stress that the pay is worth, if it is interfering with your health, then that job is no longer serving you.  If you are in a relationship that no longer makes you happy, that hurts you, that makes you feel bad, then it no longer serves you. The same is true with family even.

And that is not superficial or selfish.  it is part of taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and mentally.  It is also part of growing up and maturing.  recognize when it is time to move on.  It doesn’t mean that the person, situation, job, etc. are bad, they are just no longer good for you., and if you continue to chase them you will only harm yourself.

I recently had to come to that conclusion.  There is something I have always placed on my goal board, something that I used to hold very dear. But I had to realize that chasing it is no longer a good thing, as it is no longer a source of happiness or joy. It no longer serves me, and is actually harmful. It was a hard conclusion to reach, because it means letting go.

But when we let go, there is relief. Because we no longer have to be hurt, or disappointed or damaged. We can leave, wishing the person or situation well, and go about our lives.  We can find other things, people, jobs, relationships, or situations that make our lives fulfilling and good.  Already, even as it is bittersweet to let go, I feel better never having to try to make that situation good for me again.  There is a peace in acceptance.

So stop chasing. Stop trying to force those things that are no longer mutually beneficial. Life is too short.  Make it good.

Apologies

A good friend of mine and I were talking the other night. She was very upset because the man she had been dating for 8 months had cheated on her. Of course she broke up with him after finding out. And as she was telling me of her hurt and dismay about the situaion, she said the thing that hurt most was that he never even said he was sorry.

Apologies. Are so important, but one has to care enough to be sorry. And it is a very hurtful thing when you find out someone cares so little for you, for your feelings, for what they did, that they cannot even muster up what it takes to say sorry. A deep cut from a sharp knife.

But I told her that while an apology would sooth her feelings, she could not wait for it or depend upon it to heal. If he was so cruel…then she did not need an apology from him. She was strong enough to do without it. I honestly don’t know why some people do wrong by others and refuse to apologize. I don’t know if they truly don’t care enough, if it is a matter of pride, if they just don’t want to admit it, or a thousand other reasons. But I do know that if you depend on someone to say they are sorry before you move on and heal then you are going to have a lot of open wounds. You are also giving that person a lot of power over your well being. You are in charge of your emotions and well being, don’t give that power to someone else, especially someone who doesn’t deserve it.

My crazy ex never has apologized for attacking me, refuses to even acknowledge it. And my most recent ex who sent me the breakup email While my father was in ICU? Nope, no apology for the timing of that email either. …Maybe neither one of them think they did anything wrong, that what they did was justified and not bad form. Regardless of what I, my friends, or the rest of the world thinks, unless they think and care enough, an apology not going to happen. And regardless of how much it hurts, you have to be willing to let go without it.

I told her to move on with Grace. You hold your head up, you smile, you acknowledge what they did, say thank for for the lesson, and move on. Their lack of remorse only shows their lack of class, not yours, I told her. And it is true. You cannot control what someone does, but you can control your reaction. Chin up, and always act like a lady. After all, if they aren’t losing any sleep over it, why should you? The likelihood of either one of my ex’s ever apologizing is slim to none. But that is OK, because my life was fine before and it will be fine now. Let the burden be on their conscience, mine is clear.

Don’t get me wrong, it hurts when someone is just an ass, and doesn’t even care or does not have the emotional capacity to see how their actions made you feel. It hurts when even during a break up you are treated as a disposable napkin…I have been there. And that is what your best friends are for…you cry to them, you eat ice cream, you drink wine, you go out with other men and remember how to laugh. Would an apology be welcome and help heal? Absolutely. Is it neccesary for a great life moving forward? Absolutly not.

I have learned recently that letting go is an art form. It is not about being the bigger person, it is not even about forgiveness really, it’s not about them at all, it’s about you. And you have to let go of all those hurt feelings, of the pain of someone not caring, of no apologies, of no remorse. Because it is in the letting go that you find peace. And then when you smile at the next man, it can be sincere and with hesitation.

Bones and Tears

It is no secret that my favorite TV show is Bones. It is also no secret that I most identify with Brennan’s character – we are both sexy and rather closed. This last episode was quite a big one for many reasons, there was a death of a close friend and there was grief, but also because she really broke down and cried.  And I thought of my own life recently.  The death of three high school classmates in 2 weeks time. And I thought of my own statements about crying, of being tough, and the reasons of how they came to be formed.

A man I dated recently said that one of the main reasons why girls cry in front of men is to manipulate them, or at least that he is how felt about it.  After he made that statement about why women cried in front of men, I made the equally strong and defensive statement that I do not cry in front of men because I have heard them talk amongst themselves and make fun of their girlfriends who cried. No man would ever be able to do that to me. A rule I had practiced since my early 20’s.

So, when the news of my classmates really hit me, I sat and cried, sobbed really, alone in the dark.  Alone in my room, red faced, eyes swollen, body jerking from the sobs.    Alone.     I was alone because I did not feel like I could call him and say that I was upset, but also because I would not let me guard down enough to let someone see me cry, see me vulnerable, see me truly hurting. It would have been so nice to feel the arms of someone around me at that moment, someone who might understand the sorrow I felt as I wept, not only for the classmates, but also for a very dear friend who passed long ago.  Those deaths brought back a lot of pain that had long been forgotten.

Who is the more tragic character – someone who will not comfort another for fear of being manipulated, or the one who will not allow herself to be comforted for the fear of being ridiculed and made fun of? It seems that both are equally as tragic.

But now I have a new rule. I will cry when sad and I will not hide it. If someone wants to accuse me of being manipulative, insincere or whatever, that is their problem not mine. I will trust and not fear, for any decision made out of fear will be a very poor one.  And I will  not let those who have come before make me bitter and hard like they are.

And that will be the last time I cry alone.