Embraced

Every year I post a entry about all that I have let go. But this year is different. This year, and this future, is not about letting go, but rather embracing. This year it is about embracing all of the everything that life has in it, for me, for us, for life, for the future, for friends and for family.

I am embracing love, in all of it’s glory and mess and truth and depth. I am embracing this life that we are building and all of the plans that we are making.

I am embracing the responsibility of us, of it, of it all.

I am embracing the work, the rest, the play and the planning. I am embracing the travel and the staying home, the writing letters and notes, the sharpening of pencils and the holding of pens.

I am embracing the heartbeats, and the raindrops and the spaces in between breathes and decisions and thoughts.

I am embracing the beauty. The art. The exquisite longing, the wonderful desire that is us.

I am embracing the sleep and the wake and the breaks and the moments, and all the mystery that they hold.

I am embracing the planting and watering and cleaning and upkeep and maintenance. I am embracing the rush and the slow and the measured pace of t all.

I am embracing this life that we have made, and continue to make. I am embracing the friends and family and visits and stays and Peace.

I am embracing this time in my life, in our lives, that have come from all of the work, hopes, dreams, and prayers. I am embracing this new, borne of shedding the old pain and sorrow, death, grief. I am embracing what my life has become and is yet to be, with you, with us, with them.

But most of all, I am embracing you and the wonder of your love for me. And finally, I am able to rest in the embrace of you, and your strength, devotion, loyalty, integrity and honor, keeping me safe.

And Another

It is another trip, and plane ride, another session of packing and planning what to wear. It is another time to see family that has not been seen since the last one. It will be another long day of travel and wearing a mask. For another family memorial service to say goodbye.

Seems that there have been far too many of these, over the years. People you never though would be gone because they are always there, always part of the fabric that weaves through families and experiences and memories and happenings.

Yet here it is, another memorial service. Another black dress, another pair of black pumps; another day of tissues, and tears, fond memories and last stories.

Life is short. Hug those you love, hold them tight and close and long, for the are gone far too soon.

Roads

I’ve come so far from there I’ve been

Walked down those roads

I’ll never be again.

And as I smile and laugh inside

It’s taken hard work

And many tears to hide.

But now a new day calls my heart

And the joy bubbles up

From almost every part.

Oh yes, I have traveled near and far

Miles of road under foot

What I want is where we are. – Ada

Happy Girls

“Happy girls are the prettiest girls.” – Audrey Hepburn

I remember reading this quote for the first time many years ago. And though it made sense, I really didn’t understand it. But now I do. And I understand now that I’m older.

When I was younger, I was extremely happy. I had a wonderful fairytale childhood, and I was blessed with two amazing loving parents. I was never shy or too insecure growing up. But then you get older, and life happens. You lose a job, you get your heartbroken, parents and loved ones die, friendships and. And you begin to acquire some depth of emotion. And you begin to acquire this because every time you’re hurt it carves a deeper space within you.

And it is when we get to a point where we are well seasoned, so to speak, that we understand this quote much more. That is because when you are going through highly emotional or difficult times we wear it on our faces. We wear it by the way we walk with the weight of the world on our shoulders. We wear it in a furrowed brow, and low energy. We wear it with the corners of our mouths ever so slightly turned down. We wear it in a hundred different ways, in a thousand different subtleties.

But the same is also true for the happiness. There may be a spring in our step, a slight smile on our face, a brightness in our eyes, that is completely unconscious yet incredibly visible. We may even glow.

And that is where I find myself. So many times recently I’ve been told that I’m glowing. And indeed I probably am. I think the glow, the happiness, comes from the inside and radiates out. It radiates out into our energy, into our thoughts, and even to our speech, to everything we do and say, conscious or otherwise.

Indeed now that I am older, and wiser, and deeper, and finer of a human being due to the good and bad times that I’ve been through, I understand the subtle contrast of Audrey Hepburn statement. And if happy girls are the prettiest girls, then I must be beautiful.

Life is short. Glow and be happy.

To Love

To Love one’s life is sometimes a lifelong Pursuit. Much like the pursuit of happiness, it can prove elusive to some people. But no matter how happy we are, no matter how great our life is, we all go through tough times and bad spots. At some point in all of our Lives we’ll all experience having a broken heart, grief, depression, anger, and many other emotions completely relevant to The Human Condition.

And most of us will get through those bad times, those valleys in between the Peaks. And it is from one of those Peaks which I right now. As I am absolutely totally blissful. It is something that is beyond happy, and it is something that can only come after the depth and pits of despair.

I love my life. I have finally created the life that I wanted. I left Atlanta and now, within, 3 months, I have everything that I’ve worked so hard to obtain. Too hard work, many tears, even more prayers, and a lot of faith, I’m finally here.

I have new friends, new furniture, a new place and making a home. I have made a vegetable garden and flower garden to share and I have met wonderful Neighbors.

After a hard few years, I have a clear conscience, a set mind, a happy heart, a prayer on my lips, and thankfulness in my soul.

If you’re not happy with your life, if you are not happy with where you are or what you’re doing, make a change. I moved to Texas, and in a short period of time I’ve created the life I always wanted. I’m successful, I’m happy, and life is beautiful. And I did it all without the help of my ex-boyfriend. Even though he still tells everyone that I moved here for him, he had nothing to do with my happiness or my success. Something he absolutely cannot stand.

And that’s the thing about people who are miserable within themselves in their own lives. They can’t stand when other people are happy without them, or in spite of them. So don’t worry about those people who refuse to cheer you on. Don’t worry about those who talk bad about you after you leave. They are of no significance to you or your life, and soon they will just be a name that you barely remember. Instead focusing on your life and what you want and what will make you happy.

Life is short. Far too short to be miserable or to be around miserable negative people. Everything you want is on the other side of fear. So make the move, make the change, and reap the benefits of the life you’ve always wanted to create. Our lives are ours to make, and we can make our lives the wonderful amazing novels that they were meant to be. We just have to love ourselves enough to do it.

Interested Party

Why do you visit here if you don’t want me at all?
Why visit me and go down this Hall?
Why do you read this many times a day,
can you really be interested in what I say?

You said you didn’t want me over and over, and now it seems you look for me now over your shoulder.
Well if you wanted me to stay you shouldn’t have made me go,
but I shouldn’t have to tell you that, you’re old enough to know.

So why do you visit and read these words? why are you so interested in my worlds?
Why are you so curious, what do seek?
Silently reading the screen yet refusing to speak.

Well go on, read If It Makes You Happy,
sometimes I write thoughtful, sometimes sappy.
Maybe your here to try to fill the hole.
Your face lit up while you chew your skoal.

You’ll always think of me because I got in your blood,
And when the memories come, the tears fall like a flood.
Oh yes you’ll look for me in every face and set of eyes,
It echoes and aches, those last goodbyes.

So as you would say it is a public forum, with all that being said there is no decorum. So read, read to your heart’s content
That way you know about what to Lament.

My life is good and wonderful with a great big smile,
Don’t bother asking if you cross my mind every once in awhile.
I do still wonder if you hate me so much, why you come here to read and atill crave my touch.

But to each his own, and we have parted ways.
And yet you’ll still think of me all these days.
Maybe next time you’ll remember to be kinder,
So let this loss now be your reminder.

So read read and drink up the my thoughts, as what you read ties your stomach in knots. And yet a tear down One Cheek Falls,
As you look at your phone to check the calls.

The silence in the night echoes your heart, there’s no getting away from it, no matter how smart.
You can try and try and try even harder,
but that heartache will stay with you no matter what you barter.

Ada – 4/20/2020

Little Bitch

When your ex (who treated you horribly), spends four months telling you how much he hates you, how much he doesn’t want you, and how horrible out you are, then whines and complains and cries when he finds out you are dating someone else. (And he still visits your blog several times a day)😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

EDIT: since the comment from his ex-wife winter, which can be found by clicking on Comments, I have decided to upload the pictures of the bruises my ex gave me on the night he also grabbed my cell phone out of my hands, threw it across the room where it hit the wall and broke. And I challenge anyone on this forum to defend any man who does that and leaves bruises on a woman.

Holidays

Its the holidays, not that you could possibly miss that fact, with Christmas trees being up in stores since before Halloween. People are rushing around, buy this and that’s, going to parties. Making travel plans, going to see friends and family. It is all the hustle and bustle this time of year imvolves.

And indeed I have been bsuy as well. Busy with work and cleaning house. Buying a few things here and there. There are a few plans made, but not many. And it is not for a lack of invites either.

The truth is, I haven’t felt much of anything this holiday season. No joy or sorrow, just kind of…nothing. Which is rather odd for me. But maybe it is the natural progression. The last three holidays have been pretty miserable. Now it has moved to no sadness really, but no excitement either. But I’ll take it.

The holidays are hard when you have lost a loved one, nevermind several. After that the holidays aren’t ever the same. And that is OK. And maybe it will take several years for the holidays to feel not awkward, or burdensome, or unkind. And that is OK too. Because it is all a process.

But life is always a series of decisions. And we can accomplish whatever we set our minds to. Yes, mind over matter. Or on this case, mind over sorrow. And we can decide to be happy, anyway. We can decide to smile, anyway. We can decide to have a fabulous time, anyway. We can decide to laugh, love, live, and grow anyway.

And so I do. And I will have a wonderful time this Christmas, even though…anyway. I will make the wholehearted effort to find the joy in all the situations. I will look for the love, see the good, laugh out loud, and make it fabulous.

You can feel blah, or sad, or depressed, or mad, or whatever. You just can’t live there. You have to pick get yourself up sometimes. But how? How do you get yourself out of the quicksand? I don’t know, but what works for me is simply being too stubborn to stay in the dumps. You pick yourself up, look yourself in the mirror, and reach deep, where the heart meets the soul, and pull yourself up. You must do this because in real life, no kne is there to do it for you. So put on your big girl panties, roll your sleeves up and WILL yourself ok.

Start off small if you have to, but be determined. Be singled minded, be the immovable mountain and do it.

Life is short. And sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. So put on your dancing shoes, a great dress, and some lipstick. It’ll be worth it.

Triumph

Memories. Many songs have been written about them. They can be good or bad and can invoke many emotions within us. Add Facebook to the equation and it gets even more powerful. I came across this memory tonight, the piece I wrote in the three stepping out, read about it here . Two short years ago. And yet, I have lives a thousand lives in those two years.

It is quite a devestating thing to loose all of your immediate family in less than a year. The pain ia truly indescribable. But the amazing thing is that it doesn’t kill you.

That was the worst year of my life. But loosing everyone was actually the easy part. Because after all the loss, you have to get up, get through it and rebuild yourself and your life from the ground up….out od nothing.

And indeed, I had terrible moments of feeling the true weight of Not belonging. Of no where to go at Christmas or Thanksgiving. Where do you do when everyone is gone? Who do you call? Where are your roots? And truly, it as if I was the largest, proudest tree in the forest, and all my roots had been hacked off. I felt shriveled and heart broken.

But my mother taught me that no ine event is bigger than your life, so you must go on. And I did.

Twonshort years later, after all of the loss and devastation, I have rebuilt my life better than ever. Truly there is love that is so,present that it is tangible. I am surrounded by amazing friends and I will never be witgout family again. And my cousins, my wonderful, beautiful, amazing cousins have made sure that I know I am never alone.

I have fought tooth and nail,for this life I have now, filled with everything good and wonderful. I have rebuild myself, with each heartbeat, rebuilt my life brick by brick. I am happy and surrounded by love. Never again will I be without all the love in this world.

And so here I am. I survived and thrived. And I am better for it. So when you think that the pain is too much…just breath through it. Trust me, give yourself some time, and you too will triumph.

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