The Summer

“I hope to arrive to my death, late, in love, and a little drunk.” – Atticus

There comes a time in all of our lives when we just want to have fun. As children we have fun and we play, but then as we grow up we seem to forget how to let go and have a bit fun. we are so worried about life, love, family, career, kids, bills, cars, laundry and a million other things. Especially right now, during the pandemic, and when we hear about killer bees, earthquakes. and snow in the northeast in the middle of May. (Is Mother nature drunk? Menopausal? Suicidal? Bi-polar? Whatever it is, can we get her some Xanax and tell her to sleep it off and call us in the morning?)

Sometimes you have to take life by the horns and have fun anyway. The pandemic is going to happen anyway, we are going to have to social distance, wear masks and deal with all of this anyway, so we might was well have some fun. And for me, fun is doing a bit of shopping (somebody put my debit card away). Amazon and I have become BFFs, and my bank card and I are now on a first name/number basis.

I have discovered my love for luxurious old Hollywood style glamorous dressing gowns, with feathered slippers to match, and little PJs or night gown underneath. What girly fun as I sip coffee (or wine in the evening) and talk to on the phone. If I am going to be stuck at home, I should at least look and feel fabulous. First came the new computer (which I do need for working and writing), then there were the tiaras and wigs, then books, some bookcases, and now finally – a car.

Yes, a car happened today. A sweet little fast 6 speed, stick shift Mini Cooper named Veronica. It’s 70 miles to the closest beach, and I plan on multiple trips with friends who are coming to visit. Or a girls weekend. Let’s pack it all up, and zip it over. It’s not fancy or expensive, it’s just a little zip around car that is fun as hell to drive. Windows down, radio up, rolling through traffic, driving a stick shift once again. I have missed driving a stick, because they are so much fun, they usually go fast and they are less likely to be stone because not one knows how to drive the things any more (shame really).

She’s not new, but she is fast and she is paid for, which adds to the fun. For the first time in years, I get to play instead of looking after everyone. I get to spend my money on what I want. I get to be happy. It is like seeing in color for the first time after seeing nothing but black and white.

But there are some who choose to stay miserable. Why would anyone choose to be unhappy? I don’t know, but I think they must have been wounded deeply somewhere in the past. Smile and wave at them, if they are able to join you at someone point, they will.

Life is fleeting, happiness is illusive and an easy life is promised to no one.But after years of grief an taking care of others, I am deciding to have a good time, even if I have to create it myself. So get out there are create your won party, if you do, others will catch that energy and join you, I promise. But we should drink life up, as much as we can, and make those memories.
Yes, this summer is going to be more fun than I have had in a long time. And in this moment in time, I have everything for which I have prayed. In three short months. this life is everything I have ever wanted and more. I am blessed. And I am beyond grateful.

Life is short. Make fun when and where you can. Time is going to pass by whether you are having fun or not So why not choose to smile and laugh along the way? And don’t forget to wave when you see me driving down the road in Veronica, windows down, music blaring, wearing a wig and a tiara.

Sassy Memories

We all have those memories that come up, those little anniversaries so to speak, where we think back and realize how much time has passed.  This is made easier by things like Facebook, which tells us what happened in our lives for each year we mode a post on that day. Sometimes we smile, sometimes cry, sometimes we just make a face and wonder what we were thinking in that particular moment in time.

I was going though my Memories, as I love to do – a little guilty pleasure I enjoy every day – and saw on that I had completely forgotten about, or tried to anyway. It was a picture of a sweet pink drink, called something sassy. And I remembered that night well, as I felt a wave a nausea hit my stomach.  It was a year ago, in Ohio. I had agreed to go with and help my then boyfriend with two if his CFO interviews, something I quickly regretted.  That trip was on of the worst of my life.

The night had started off great- a welcome committee meeting us and a great basket in the room.  We went to dinner and afterwords had drinks at this great little place across from the hotel.  Life was good and we were having a great time.  And them he drank too much, as he often did. And when we got back to the hotel room, instead of a romantic evening, I was accused of cheating. I was there to help him, taking time off work, and on my own dime, but I was accused regardless.

He fought with me all that might, refusing to let me sleep, even getting a good friend involved. And strangely enough, he seemed to get angrier that I wasn’t cheating. We fought over the accusations for the next two days – all that night, all the next day during his tour of the area, all the next night, what would have been a brunch and all the next day until we left. I was done after the 2nd night, and I could not wait to leave. I have never been so happy to be home in my life.

I have often wondered what caused him to lash out like that, ruining what should have been an enjoyable trip After all, most people appreciate when someone agrees to help them with job interviews. But not his guy. The more I did for him, the angrier he was at me and the more he lashed out. I was shocked and stood up for myself. He did not appreciate my feisty attitude when I refused to be treated poorly.

Why do some people lash out at others who are nice or who are trying to help them?  I really don’t know, and I imagine it is somewhat different for each person.  what I do know is that he was an alcoholic who thrived on drama. He also had a very low self esteem when it came right down to it – fears of not being worthy, not being good enough and not deserving of love. Those who do not like themselves cannot like or love others, nor can they allow others to love them.

All of those memories and thoughts came flooding over me in a millisecond. And all of the emotions again too. And then I was able to take a breath and leave that memory behind.  I pray for that man, that one day he defeats the demons that make him drink, and thus find the Peace he seeks and so desperately needs. And I am thankful that all of that is only a memory, brought on in an instant, and leaves just as quick. I am thankful that no one treats me that way anymore, that only those who cherish me are allowed in my life.  I am thankful that I have peace. and that guy? Well, he is still drinking, still thriving on drama and still causing issues with how he treats those around him. But it’s not my circus, not my flying monkeys and not my problem.

Life is short. Ladies, don’t waste your time on men who haven’t conquered their demons. They will only drag you down and poison your soul because they are toxic to everyone around them until the not only deal with, but heal from, those issues. And your time is too precious and too finite to wait. And Always stay feisty.