Taking Charge

We all have those defining moments in our lives where it feels like God and the universe and everyone else is trying to tell us something. This seems to have been a long process trying to figure it out. What do I do now, that I do not have anyone for which to care? What is it that I want? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Where do i want to go?

Recently a good friend asked me where I would be if I was’t afraid. And his question stuck me down to my bones. We had been talking about why I chose Charleston over Texas 18-24 months ago. I chose Charleston because it was an easier move to make by myself – a five hour relocation drive rather than a `14+ plus one.

And he just laughed and asked what was I afraid of? “I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I can’t do it alone,” I replied, choking back the tears of raw emotion. I had never said that fear out loud. “But you have faced the worst of the worst, alone, and have come out just fine. Remember who you are. You are fierce. You can do anything. Where would you be if you were not afraid?”I told him that I would be where I originally wanted – if I thought I could do it alone. He smiled and chastised me for letting a little obstacle like a difficult move get it the way of what i wanted. “So what if it means an uncomfortable drive for a day? DO IT, if that is what you want. And I will help you.”

And all this time, I have planned to move away at the end of the lease, before he came in and made it about him and his family. Before that it was about me and what I wanted. And so it shall be again.

And so I take a trip to sign the lease, to finalize my plans, to pray that God points me in the direction that I should. I must have faith in this part, which is so very hard.I love who I love, that cannot be changed. However, I can make this time about me. I can follow where I want to go, instead of putting that aside for others. And maybe that is the lesson – to know that I can do it on my own, even if that is not how it was supposed to be. Because a fresh start is full of everything in the entire world, right there waiting.

The fact is honestly, it’s incredibly rough since July, 2016, and now it’s 2020 and it’s time to make some changes in my life. I cannot complain about being stuck or feeling like I’m in a rut if I’m not willing to do whatever it takes be happy. Life is about taking risks and making changes and praying sincerely t’god. And I pray that God lights my path and makes it so incredibly beautiful and amazing but there is nowhere else I would rather be.

And so I go, a little shaky, but I’ll be alright. I have contacts, and friends, and support, and possibilities. And so what if I fail? At least I am doing it. And that is the biggest decision of all.So this will be my last blog for a while as I pack, and plan and move and start. That is the thing about life – we get as many starts as we want. On my own terms. And to those eyes that read…if you want to know more, you shall just have to pick up the phone and ask.