Can’t Wait to Tell You

“You could have lived a hundred more years, and I still would never have run out of things to tell you.”

Now matter how old we are, it is always exciting to start something new. Today it was a new project on a new contract. Right in the fabulous new stadium, writing about technology. Meeting new people, learning about new things, writing new pieces, getting used to a new smdesk, new break room and area. It is always fun for me. And one of the best things was always calling my Mom at lunch on the first day, and telling her all about it. It was a tradition so to speak.

When you loose a loved one, and you finally get on the orher side of the grief, you finally start smiling again. You are happy again, you enjoy things again. You get excited about life again.

But then there are moments that hit you square in the stomach. Right before lunch I got so excited becuaw there was a list of things I coyldn’t wait to tell my Mom… Then the realization that I can’t. Because she no monger exists in this physical world.

When,those moment happen, you blink back,the tears and swallow hard, forcing the emotions back down to stop them running down your cheeks. You can’t cry in public, at work, at the party, or in the store, or in traffic, or where ever. So you just take a deep breath and carry on with your day.

But Mom, if you were here, I would call you and tell you about the view of the ballpark from the conference room. And about the technology involved with what they do (I would tell,Dad too). And I would tell you about the short commute, and what I will be doing, and thr 9th floor, and the people. I would tell you all,of it, because I loved telling you things. And you loved hearing about the adventures and goings on of my life.

And oddly enough, as I woke this morning, I smelled my mothers delicious cooking. As I woke from,my dreams, I smelled her chicken noodle soup, and smiled. It was a vivid smell, if that can be possible. And maybe that was her way of saying she is still here, still listening to my adventures. Maybe that is her way of telling me too.

Life is short. Enjoy the firsts, the adventures. And share,them,with you loved ones if you still can. And if you can’t, look for the signs – they are there. Because they can’t wIt to tell you too.

Moving on Out

There is a saying that God will place you exactly where you need to be.  Many times in life we pray for direction, for wisdom and help in making decisions. And then we must get still and listen to the voice of God. Or sometimes the answer to our prayers will be so loud that we cannot miss them. But sometimes even then we do not listen.

What I have found is that things are more difficult, or simply don’t work out at all, when I do not listen to the answers that should be more than obvious. So I have learned the hard way to listen. When I started praying as to whether or not I should move or stay in place, I made an extra prayer to “please God, make it extremely clear, something I cannot miss because you know that I do not get hints.”

God listened and answered. Loudly. He answered in a text from my landlord stating that they would not be renewing the current rental lease. That made it pretty clear, thanks.

And so I  must go. I must plan and place and pack and pray and move and leave. I must find a new place to call home. And that is the thing about life – it is always developing. Your story is always being written because your life continues to be lived. You never know what paths, twists or turns or events that might take place, so you have to enjoy every minute of where you are right now.

Keeping that in mind I look around at where I am. This place, this house, has been my safe place and my sanctuary for the last two years. When I came here I was broken, actually shattered, from such devastating loss and grief. But I have rebuilt myself, slowly filled in the cracks with tears that flowed and seasoned into steadfast love. There has been healing, building, trying, failing, hoping, praying, crying, working, resting and much, much more. It is here, inside and protected by these walls, that I have learned to breath again. I have learned to feel joy in the sunlight and felt the determination of a stubborn heart.

It is here, in this house, in this yard, with these walls, that I have build a home, and felt love, given love, built love, built a life, out of nothing at all. It has been in this location that I have been so utterly tired and exasperated and hurt and lonely, that I had no where to turn but up to God, crying so fiercely that only He could understand my whimpers.

And it is here, within these walls, inside these doors, along this staircase and hallway, that I found myself again. It is here, in this kitchen, that I found my soul again, and my joy, cooking for those friends I love. It is here that I found my smile again, hiding along the baseboards, seeking sunlight from the window. It is resting on these window panes, that I found my faith in myself again, as the tears rolled down my cheeks. And here that I danced in the rain, in the yard, letting my tears mingle with the raindrops, washing away the cold grime of grief.

It is this house, this gift from God, as he knew exactly where I needed to be two years ago, from where this Phoenix shall rise and fly again; joyful, beautiful, faithful and free. Yes, it is here where I found my happiness again. Where I found my new family, my nourishment and my strength for this next amazing chapter.

And soon it  will be time for me to rise up and fly, always thankful for the blessings and safeties of here.

Life is short. Find where you are safe. Find where you are loved. It is there where you will find what you need. And always know that home is where you make it, where you build it and where you love it.

Careful, Careful

In life we try to trust as much as we can. We try to give others the benefit of the doubt. But even the wisest of men said trust but verify. No matter who we are in life, we are who we surround ourselves with. God also gave us the gift of discernment. We should use it.

In that sense, you should be careful about whom you call friend, because not everyone has your best interest at heart. Something I have recently seen the hard way. I told recently told a friend of mine a light plan of the future. Something I am thinking about. And that was enough for her to launch into a manipulative tirade to try to sway me in the other direction, pointing out the flaws in others that happen to be in my life. Why? Because it is in her best interest if this other person is not in my life.

I do not think that she is a bad person, I just think that she is used to getting her way and made assumptions about our lives being similar. But they are not. And I can make up my own mind because I have the power of discernment. And if my idea does not work out, then it is my own fault, no one else’s.

And that is the thing about life, you make our own decisions. You cannot make anyone do anything that they do not want to do. You must answer for your decisions, good or bad. And that includes friends.  Be around those who support you doing what makes you happy.  Be with those who support your dreams and doing what it takes to improve your life. Stay away from those who want to lie and manipulate you into creating the life that benefits them the best. Genuine concern is one thing, but insisting is another

Life is short. Make your decisions, live your life and be happy. But be careful about whom you have around along the way. Those closest to you are the ones who will influence you the most. Make sure your best interests are represented. Make sure that when a friend does voice concern that it is genuine and not based on their own desires..

You know your life and abilities better than anyone. Follow listen and follow your gut. Because as my mom used to say, your guts will never lead you wrong.

 

What Makes You Home

You wouldn’t think the skyline mean home, but it does doesn’t it? You look out you see the familiar buildings and familiar lights in the familiar shapes, is a funny feeling that happens in your heart. Because it’s home.

What exactly makes home home? Is it the memories or the familiarity or the knowledge? Or is it the feeling of Hope and comfort you get when you see it? What exactly does home? Meaning that if you ever leave one home, can you ever find that feeling of home somewhere else?

And I wonder if I come here. Will, I look for the Atlanta Skylight in every building, every time I look? Will this sky line ever feel like home to me? Or will I make memories that make it home to me too? And that is the thing about life, we have many opportunities to make home in many different places.

And maybe that is one of the secrets about life, make it home, where ever you are. In that way, maybe home is a decision more than a building or skyline. Maybe it is your attitude and intentions that make life what it is and what we want.

Life is short. And if we make our own lives, if have the power to create the life that we want, then maybe home is never far away after all.

The Secret of Happiness

Sometimes in life it is good to have a secret. But in this day and age of everything being for sale and having a price, can a secret even exist? Why yes it can. Because some things are just too wonderful to share. Sometimes you just want to hold is close, hoping and praying, and enjoying watching it all unfold.

Sometimes you want to enjoy it in all it’s juicy goodness.

And maybe in life, that is the secret. Maybe in this day and age of  oversharing everything, there are some things to keep close. Maybe the secret to winning in life, is the same as in poker: never reveal everything, and always play your cards close to the chest.

Life is short. Savoir it. You’ll know when it is the right tie to share the secret. Until then, let others wonder what gives you that sparkle and spring in your step. Let them wonder what deliciousness you are not speaking. trust me, it’s worth it.

Be Lost

I wrote a post several years ago about how being lost is actually one of the best places to be. Because when you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there. And in life, as long as you are moving forward, isn’t that a good thing?  Most people have a fear of being lost in their lives, a fear of not having the answers and of not knowing. But when you don’t know, that is the best time to just slow down, and take stock. Because even if you are moving at the speed of a snail, you are still moving forward.

And then, one day, you realize that you are not lost anymore.

And on that day, you reclaim yourself, your soul, your heart and your life. It is given back to you, to rebuild even better than it was before. But I’ll tell you a secret about life – life is never finished, it is always a work in progress. Because there is always something new to learn, or or, or see. That is how you keep growing.

And sometimes it takes a minute for the dust to settle, or to dig out of a situation that you have found  yourself in. And that is OK. That is where your stamina comes in. Because it is during these times that we really have to dig in and simply be too stubborn to give up or give out. We have to keep saying that we can go just one more day, even if we don’t always believe it ourselves. Fake it till you make it  – and you will make it.

Life is short. So even when you feel lost, it’s OK. It is still another day that you are alive and breathing.  Lean on those who love you and who love you the best and most. Trust me, they will get you through. And pray. A lot. And baby steps. You won’t always be lost.

 

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