I’ve come so far from where I’ve been
Walked down those roads
I’ll never go again.
And as I smile and laugh inside
It’s taken hard work
And many tears to hide.
But now a new day calls my heart
And the joy bubbles up
From almost every part.
Oh yes, I have traveled near and far
Miles and miles from my heart
Now I all I want is where we are. – Ada
Month: August 2019
The Girls are Back in Town
We met when I was 12 I think. Seventh grade, when we were that awkward stage of in between – too old to be kids to young to be teenagers. Braces, bad hair, bad bangs, bad fashion choices, zits, and mismatched foundation when we snuck wearing make up. And many slumber parties, laughter, talking about boys, playing practical jokes and making plans for when we “grow up.” Somethings never change, except now we can drink wine.
And I am going to visit her for the holiday.
Best friends are like that, and I am so lucky to have her on my side. And that is the thing about life – there is always a best friend with whom to share thoughts and make memories. No matter who you are, where you are or how old or young you are – there is always someone who has been there forever, and without whom you could not know life. There are people whose call you answer, no matter what time of the day or night the phone rings, and no matter what meeting you happen to be in. That friend who is there, no questions asked, and no judgement. But also the one who will kick you in the bum if you need it.
Where would we be without those friends? I don’t even want to think about it. Because they keep us sane and yet don’t even bat an eye when we are crazy. We can call them tell them we have decided to sell the kids on eBay, and they tell us Etsy is better. We say we need a shovel for the ex, and they say they know the perfect place to hide the body. They are the first ones to cheer when we win, and are right there with us on the floor, with chocolate and tissues when we loose.
My bestie and I have been each other’s rock during hard times – break ups, make ups, deaths, job loss, bills, mid life crisis, mid twenties crisis, weddings, and more bad decisions than either one of us would like to admit…you name it, we have been through it together.
We haven’t seen each about 3 years, since right after my mother died. Yet we talk almost every night, and never spend more than a few days out of touch with each other. And I cannot wait! It will be 4 days of fun, laughter, tears, planing, talking, wining, catching up and just plain living.
Life is short. Visit your friends often. Tel them you love them every time you can. This life is precious and you can’t take it with you. Make the memories, take the pictures and have stories you could never tell your kids and grandchildren. Know when to sit on the couch drinking wine, and know which one of you is Thelma. Because that is a life well lived and well loved.
Watch out AC, the girls are back in town…
Daddy Daughter Date
I was 13 when he first took me out. I was excited and couldn’t wait to tell him about my day and just get to know him better. He was my Dad, and he was taking me out to dinner on our first a Daddy daughter date. I had never been out with him before and he was such a gentleman.
I remember how he opened the car door for me when I got in. And when we arrived at the restaurant, he insisted that I stay put until he walked over to my side of the car and opened the door so I could get out. He opened all the doors for me as we went inside, and even pulled out my chair for me when we sat down.
As we were looking over the menu, he asked what I wanted. And when the waiter came, my Daddy told the waiter what I would have, followed by his own order. He told me that I looked pretty. He asked about my day and what I was studying in school. I asked him about his work and what all he did. We talked and laughed and he made me feel very special.
And when we left, he opened all the doors for me once again. He gave me a hug and thanked for a accompanying him to a great dinner when we got home. And I smiled and thought no wonder Mom fell in love with him.
My father taught me how a man should treat me. He taught me that night and by the way he always treated my Mom – with kindness, respect and dignity (she demanded nothing less). I remember my Mom asking me how the dinner with him was that night, and her smiling and telling me that yes, that was just like my father.
Dad was kind and unassuming, humble and had more integrity in his little finger than most people possess in an entire lifetime. He was my hero, and always will be. And oh, how he loved my mother. Those 7 months he lived with me where hard, but the most precious gift as well. Spending that time with him was a gift. He was a gift.
My Dad’s birthday is coming up in just a few days, no doubt that is why he is on my mind. And I miss him so very much. Hard to believe that it has been 2.5 years since I last saw him or heard his voice, or held his hand. He would have been 83 this year.
My Daddy, my hero, my first love. The man who kept our family safe, who worked hard so we had whatever we wanted, and the man who loved my mother more than anything in the world. The man who just wanted me to pick up my shoes and not leave them in the middle of the floor. The man who wanted me to not put everything on the bottom shelf (as he called the floor), he man who wanted me to try not to be late all. of. the. time. And most of all, the man who loved me unconditionally, right up until the end.
Miss you Dad. Love you always. Thank you for everything.
Gratitude and Karma
No matter how great the trip, there is something wonderful about about being in your own home and sleeping in your own bed. After a wonderful weekend with people so precipis to me, I appreciate being curled up on my couch, snuggling with the kitties.
There is no stress in my body after this wonderdul weekend of relaxing, laughter, love and good food. I am blessed and grateful for all that I have and have been gifted in this life. And amazing people who love me.
And those who verbally attacked me earlier this week, causing drama and stress, who criticized my offers to help, and laughed at my predictions? They have seen a messy situation get worse when it imploded, all on it’s own, as unstable people in unstable situations tend to do. I did nothing, but Karma, she is a wicked visitor when angry.
Life is short. Treat people right so when Karma comes it is a pleasant visit. And if someone treats you poorly, it says much more about them ans their values than it does about you and yours. Be thankful for what you have, be humble to others, and always remember those who love and support you.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (Don’t F with a Writer)
(PS – Don’t fuck with a writer. We tell the truth. So if you wanted me to write warmly about you, you should have treated me better.)
This is a story about Bill. Poor Bill has two children he can’t take care of himself, a nanny with a wonderful heart, but who doesn’t have the physical ability to take care of the children, an ex-wife that’s too far away and too poor to do anything to help – and he just alienated the only other woman who would help him without getting paid…unless he goes online to find a replacement baby momma asap.
When we last left the Saga and soap opera of the VP of Finance, otherwise known as Bill Little’s life, he had admitted that he was drinking three-quarters of a bottle of bourbon a night. He had gotten a therapist, cardiologist, a primary care physician, and was taking his blood pressure medicine and antidepressants just as the doctor ordered. It seemed his life was taking a turn for the better, and stability was actually setting in. And considering his two young boys had come to live with him, the stability was a very good thing.
But instability was just waiting around the corner.
Bill promised his ex girlfriend that he was going to prove to her that they could “be together”, as she was still the love of his life and he wanted very much still to marry her and build a life with her. She agreed to “wait and see” to make sure that he was stable before agreeing to anything. She promised him that he she would be as supportive as possible with his new sobriety and him trying to get back on his feet.
After a few weeks of seeing that he was indeed trying to do the best he could, Bill asked, and the ex girlfriend agreed to come up and help him find a bigger house since he had a hired a nanny to help care for his two young children.
She also listened to him has he vented about his anger with the new nanny. She was an old friend from grade school who had agreed to the position…But she did migraines that kept her from being able to take care of his children. He was truly concerned. (Cue dramatic music.)
She was truly wondering what she had just walked into. Bill and the nanny fighting, constant migraines, Bill not taking his medication, and her having to stay extra days to take care of all of them. She was just there to help out with finding a house….what she found instead was a situation that was an absolute mess. And what was meant to be a quick fun trip, was quickly turning into the trip from hell.
Both Bill and the nanny asked her to stay an extra day to help out the nanny get her car fixed. The ex-girlfriend did.. At one point that Monday, the Nanny was lying down because she had a migraine, Bill was laying down because he forgot to take his blood pressure medicine, and the ex girlfriend was the only adult well enough to fix dinner for the boys. She realized that this was not a good situation.
Bill continued to be anxious and extremely worried, even crying that he might have to send his children back to Texas if he couldn’t figure the situation out. He had an upcoming car trip, and was extremely anxious since he had never taken a road trip with children before.
The ex girlfriend offered to help with the road trip with his boys since he was having such significant anxiety. And at first this pleased Bill very much. But then…
{Enter instability and mood swings.}
Bill started sending cryptic messages to the ex girlfriend in Latin. This escalated to him saying he was very upset and couldn’t talk, saying things that were not applicable as the reason why. Then he escalated it to completely breaking it off with her, with no reason. Then 20 minutes later he sent her a text saying he loved her.
Confused, the ex-girlfriend was very concerned that Bill has started drinking again since this is exactly how he acted when he was drunk. Concerned about the mood swings and the children, she did as his therapist at ask her to do, and contacted not only the therapist, but the ex-wife to let them know that something was going on. He had the kids now, he simply couldn’t be drinking or be emotionally unstable with his two young Sons there. Bill had had issues with this in the past.
The ex girlfriend was also true a redhead to her core, and after he was an ass…she made good on her promise she made the last time he “broke up” – to write something for him to put on a dating site profile…all he had to do was cut and paste and he would be all set.
Bill being unstable decided to create a group text with the ex girlfriend, the nanny, and his ex-wife… 20 minutes after telling the ex girlfriend he loves her, he sends the three women a group text that the ex girlfriend was impersonating him on a dating site and that he needed this text as legal proof. Except, he couldn’t actually prove that there was a fake profile for him on a dating site, because there wasn’t one. (Instability, paranoia, and immaturity, your table is now ready…)
These three women did not appreciate the drama and had no interest in being part of any email thread at all. But how Bill did enjoy pitting his ex-wife against his ex-girlfriend, and all the drama that could create.
Imagine two of his exes fighting over him…except the ex girlfriend wasn’t. Still confused as to how Bill had escalated whatever was going on into a text thread with strange accusations, she had no desire to fight for or with anyone, but she wasn’t going to be attacked either. She simply wanted out. So as Bill and the ex-wife made snide comments about “handing her ass to her on a platter,” the ex girlfriend simply laughed and rolled her eyes. Who were these people??
How in the world did she get sucked in to such a ridiculous situation by simply offering to help someone who she thought was trying to get their life together? Definitely not a mistake to make again.
And so she rolled over in her big comfortable, warm, soft bed and smiled as she went to sleep, planning wonderful things to do with her friends. And what a story she would have to share over wine! No doubt much laughter would be had.
And as for Bill? Who knows…maybe our least favorite financial executive can start online dating since he cannot keep a woman (2 ex -wives, four children, and many ex girlfriends – dude is a BALD, overweight, middle aged accountant. The fact that he makes $480,000 is all he has going for him…And he still owes the ex girlfriend $530 for the flight she paid for to help him and his nanny)
Life is short. Spend it with those who appreciate when you give them the gift of you. Have people in your life who appreciate your help, especially when they have asked for it. Spend life with those who appreciate you being generous with your time. And most of all spend time with people who do not involve you in their ridiculous drama that they have created in their own ridiculous lives.
Otherwise, you may just end up like Bill… (PS – Don’t fuck with a writer. We tend to tell the truth. So if you wanted me to write warmly about you, you should have treated me better)
And how Bill was saying “I love you” all through the night before…
It is What it is
“It is what it is and it ain’t gettin’ no isser.”
I remember hearing this quote one day watching the news after the tornado destroyed an older gentleman’s home. They were interviewing him about the incident, as news crews do, and asked him how he felt about looking at what used to be his home. He was older, had teeth missing, was wearing a worn out shirt and was clearly weathered, but he spoke some of the wisest words I had ever heard.
What that quote communicated to me, was that there are events in life where it really doesn’t matter how you feel about them; whether you like what happened, or even if you agree with it, what “it” is – It is what it is and it ain’t changing. Your approval is not required.
And so I am reminded as I sit at home, exhausted from traveling to help two dear friends. I flew up to help, but they asked me to stay an extra day to help out a bit more with scheduling work and children and care repairs. The trip had a lot of tension and a bit of fighting between the man and his friend, and it was extremely uncomfortable for me. I just wanted to be out of the drama and negative atmosphere, but the situation was what it was, and they needed extra help. I could not change anything, but always choose to help others of you can, especially if children are involved. Little did I know staying an extra day would turn into a travel day from HELL.
The flight was supposed to leave at 7pm…4 delays, 3 gate changes and 5 HOURS later, we finally took off – with no ac on the flight, and two tired, screaming babies sitting behind me. We landed at 3am. I was finally able to get a Lyft to the Marta station where my car is parked, only to find the parking deck closed. I had to call a friend to come at get me – at 4:15am. I am finally home now, ready for a long sleep at almost 6am. I have been up about 24 hours and am exhausted.
And all the while I kept hearing that quote in my head – “it is what it is and it ain’t getting no isser.”
My dear man (who is trying to win me back) just kept apologizing and saying that I had been so to gracious stay, only to have to stay up all night traveling – only to have everything go wrong (and boy it did).. And he marveled that I had not even complained once. Oh, it was not that I wasn’t tempted to complain at all…but at some point when things go THAT wrong, you can get mad, you can cry, or you can laugh.
The other part of that quote is even if you get mad and bent all out of shape, it still is what it is. It’s not changing. So no matter how upset I got, there was nothing I could do to change anything. So I just laughed.
And that is the thing about life. Sometimes you just have to accept things and people as they are. You cannot change them or some circumstances, so you laugh and shake it off. You cannot control what happens, but you can control how you react. If someone is being mead to you, find the humor, shake your head and laugh. Even when someone hurts you, just take it with a grain of salt, because you cannot change them. And from a personal perspective, once I experienced the death my parents and the loss of my family, nothing and no one can ever hurt me like that…so it really doesn’t matter what anyone does or says. When you have no fear of being hurt, or answering to other’s opinions of you, you find total freedom and power. All that from a tiny quote.
Life is short. Time is precious and finite – just ask anyone who has lost a loved one. So don’t spend time getting caught up in drama of a situation you cannot control or change. Go with the flow, relax and have a good time. Because the truth of the matter is – it ain’t getting no isser, so you might as well accept it.
Triumph
Memories. Many songs have been written about them. They can be good or bad and can invoke many emotions within us. Add Facebook to the equation and it gets even more powerful. I came across this memory tonight, the piece I wrote in the three stepping out, read about it here . Two short years ago. And yet, I have lives a thousand lives in those two years.
It is quite a devestating thing to loose all of your immediate family in less than a year. The pain ia truly indescribable. But the amazing thing is that it doesn’t kill you.
That was the worst year of my life. But loosing everyone was actually the easy part. Because after all the loss, you have to get up, get through it and rebuild yourself and your life from the ground up….out od nothing.
And indeed, I had terrible moments of feeling the true weight of Not belonging. Of no where to go at Christmas or Thanksgiving. Where do you do when everyone is gone? Who do you call? Where are your roots? And truly, it as if I was the largest, proudest tree in the forest, and all my roots had been hacked off. I felt shriveled and heart broken.
But my mother taught me that no ine event is bigger than your life, so you must go on. And I did.
Twonshort years later, after all of the loss and devastation, I have rebuilt my life better than ever. Truly there is love that is so,present that it is tangible. I am surrounded by amazing friends and I will never be witgout family again. And my cousins, my wonderful, beautiful, amazing cousins have made sure that I know I am never alone.
I have fought tooth and nail,for this life I have now, filled with everything good and wonderful. I have rebuild myself, with each heartbeat, rebuilt my life brick by brick. I am happy and surrounded by love. Never again will I be without all the love in this world.
And so here I am. I survived and thrived. And I am better for it. So when you think that the pain is too much…just breath through it. Trust me, give yourself some time, and you too will triumph.
It seems that I haven’t written for a while, and indeed that is the case when I looked at the dates of the last post that I’ve written. It seems that I have just been simply enjoying life, and building what the foundation will be for the future. Indeed this seems to be a great time of transformation and Foundation laying and coming to fruition.
It can be very discouraging when you keep working hard but you don’t see results. Life has a funny way of happening. And for me, all of the sudden all the work that I’ve been doing is suddenly paying off. And things are falling into place quite nicely, quite beautifully, and I am absolutely delighted. And delighted because what I have said that I wanted for quite a while, seems to be coming true now. And the things that are coming to now are doing so because of the foundation that I said a while back. And these things that are happening now, will be the foundation for my dreams of the future coming true as well.
Because the work we do now, will be the foundation of the future. And I found myself on Solid Ground because of the work I did before. All the hard work, all the research, all the writing, all the talking, all the communicating, all the contacts, all the everything of it. It is working and it’s breathing and it’s living, and it is breathing new life into my life and into me. I find myself waking up excited, and I find that there’s a spring in my step during the day, because now things are moving. Now things are falling into place, and it is very exciting.
And so it is, when we see all that we want falling into place so nicely, so beautifully, so wonderfully. When we have worked so incredibly hard, and cried a river or even an ocean of tears, and put more Sweat Equity into our life than we ever thought we could. And then things start working.
And so it is from this Solid Ground that I am able to create the solid dreams that are coming. But I had tobget to solidnground first. And beleive me, that took a lot. A lot of hard work. A lot of prayer, a lot of everything. A lot of me. To constrict this life.
And that is the great thing, we get to build the life we want. Whatever our dreams are, whatever we believe, whatever we truly think we can go after and do and feel and see and want an accomplished, we actually can. That’s the magic of this life. That’s the magic of all that work and faith and everything. And this is where I am. Right at the brink. Oh there’s still so much work to do, and that’s okay because I can see it forming, this life that I want.
Sinnoh matter where you are on the journey, don’t lose Faith. Even when you’re so exhausted you can barely think, or see straight, or feel, much less plan. Trust me it will all pay off come and maybe even sooner than you think. Just keep going, keep working, keep praying, keep believing, and I promise it will happen.
Life is short, too short to be negative. So always be positive, always work hard, always believe, and always have faith. Trust me, it all seems to work out in the end.
The Haunt in the House
It was a fun party, thrown by neighbor who said all of us other neighbors could get to know each other. I live in a great area and a small subdivision with 17 houses in one cul-de-sac. And so it was good to see the other neighbors other than the ones that live directly next to me. And when you meet your neighbors you learn so much them and the neighborhood as well. You learn about who is been there the longest, the shortest, who has kids and who doesn’t. You learn about who works at home and who travels a lot and who makes the best cakes or pies or who throws the best parties for the holidays. And in my case, I also found out the history of the house in which I live.
I’ve always sensed a bit of a presence since I moved in. Those who know or have had the same experience know that feeling all too well. And the doorbell rings in the middle of the day or the middle of the night with no one there. And there have been other things as well, little happenings and sounds and footsteps up the stairs.
And so I wasn’t as shocked as some would have thought when they told me that the man who lived here before I moved in, had passed away in the house. As they told me the circumstances and their theories, I nodded and listen sometimes a wide-eyed.
Information like that is enough to freak anyone out a bit. And indeed I was. Being the researcher that I am, I immediately went to the internet to search the happenings that they described, and the days, and the names of the people involved. Sure enough, everything was there. Even a picture of the man and the family that lived here before me. And I still get mail for them. I have to tell you, it’s a strange feeling to know that someone has passed in the house in which you live.
And so it was time to burn incense and Sage, to get rid of any negative energy that might have left over from the traumatic events. Ghosts can say as long as they want, but not the negative energy. They must only be positive energy in my household. And so I go around the house burning the sage and incense, repeating the phrase that will clean the energy in the home:
“I ask the Universe to bless this home and fill it with light and love. Negativity and darkness is not welcome here. This is a positive sanctuary. S ,it is said and so it shall be.”
And as I think of the man, and his family, I do hope but they are okay where they are. And then I think of my own experiences and just like a light bulb the thought occurs to me. This is not about the past, this is about the future. This is about right now. Because we simply cannot live in the past, at least not for very long. Because the fact of the matter is that life does go on, the earth still turns, the sun still rises and sets, and we must too.
And so I pay my respects to the events of what happened in this house, and then I claim this house, and this present and this future, for myself. And I pray for positive energy, and positive thoughts, and positive actions, and positive results, await.
Life is short, so pay your respects to the past, and leave it there. Like the saying says there’s a reason why the rear-view mirror is so small but the windshield is so big. And so many big and wonderful things wait for you, all you have to do is keep moving forward. All you have to do is keep praying and keep believing and keep working and keep doing. You may have to start with baby steps, and that’s okay. Baby steps will get you there all the same.
Happy New Month
We all have those days, or weeks, or even months, that are horrible. That is what this past July has been for me. It is usually the worst month of the year, but this July was the worst. The annivary of my mother’s suffering and death, loss of friends, not getting much sleep, toxic people dumping their toxic crap in my life, Mercury in retrograde, arguments and finally someone saying they didn’t understand my family’s death being so upsetting – it was nature. WTAH??
And finally – FINALLY – it is no longer. It is August, the next month, the new month. New with no bad things, new with the promise of good times, great friends, more possibilities, new, adventures and new experiences.
And how many tines have we needed to start over? And that is the grrat thing about a new month, or a new year, or even a new day, we have the opportunity to start over. We have the opportunity to not make the same mistakes. We have the opportunity to start new, no matter what it is. Whether it’s to exercise or to pray, or to meditate or to read more or to whatever. Each new day, each new week, each new month, each New Year, even right down to each new moment, is a new start should we choose to take it.
Our Lives will never be completely done. We are constantly in the progress of improving or changing or striving. We are constantly in flux. And that is okay, because only when we stop learning, only when we stop changing do we truly die, at least in Soul and Spirit. So as long as we’re growing and learning then we are going in the right direction. And we can always change our mind if we discover a better path.
And so it is now with this new month. A Time for so many things finally being tied up and coming to an end, and even more new things being started. It is a new month, it is a fresh start, and it is exciting.
Life is short and precious, in the time we have is finite. Don’t waste your time being stuck are you don’t want to be. Step out of your comfort zone, take some chances and risks, and make your dreams come true. And even if you fail, so what? At least you went out there and tried. And that’s more than many people can say. So go out there and do it. And happy new month!
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