The Best First

At 46, to say that I have had my best first date is quite a statement. First, he came to my house and waited (patiently) for me to get ready. before we left for dinner, h plays Blue Ain’t your Color by Keith Urban and slow dances with me – something Bill always refused to do. He held me tight and reassured me that while the other treated me cruel, he would always be kind and respectful.

Music plays a huge part of my life. I was in radio for 15 years, and I can tell you exactly what year and what was going on in my life by the songs that were in the top 10. A man who can woo me with music, especially my favorites, is golden in my book. The art of seduction is truly an art, and if he can seduce me by music, he is a special kind of man who deserves my attention. I am a sucker for a musician, so a guitar or a piano, Piano is my favorite, always gets major points. This guy had points in the millions be the end of the night.

Next was dinner and THE BEST food ever eaten (and I have eaten at many amazing places). There was amazing food that was not on the menu because he knew the owner. Because I don’t know anything about wine, he picked out everything for each course that we ate. And it was amazing. Everything paired well it was truly one of the best meals I have ever had. The owner came out and spoke to us, and personally made and brought us our desserts. Again, the most amazing chocolate Creme Brulee I have ever experienced (and I say experience, because it was that good.)

And the New Guy planned it out. He had one single red rose brought out to me with every course that we ate. It takes a lot of effort to plan something that romantic.

After that was running to a jazz place close by, where he again knew the owner. There were red roses waiting for me there as well. New guy went all out, which was wonderful. After listening to some great live music took my hand and brought me over to the piano where he played “Break on Me” by Keith Urban (he knows that KU is my favorite artist). The New Guy is concert pianist level talented which only adds to his sexiness. He also knows most of what I have been through, and wanted to let me know, in the most romantic way possible, that I could depend on him. He would be there for me whenever needed for whatever I needed, no matter what time. I MELTED. And I cried.

After the past few weeks of dealing with Crazy Man being an ass, even after he found out about a medical issue I was having, this was a welcome reminder that wonderful men don’t yell, cuss at women or play games. This guy is straight up, no filter, speaks his mind and makes no apologies. I would rather have a man with little tact, than a smooth manipulator who is cruel to a woman is medical distress any day.

Then, because things were getting much too serious, he had us sing “the Fighter” by, you guessed it, Keith Urban. It is such a fun song to sing with someone and I could not help but smile and laugh and we sang our duet, or maybe that was because of all the wine. We even got applause by the other patrons who could tell me were having a great time.

The drive home was also filled with specific music. When I say New Guy gets a gold medal for effort, I mean it. He had the playlist planned out to the minute for the drive home. The music was more of my favorite artists and songs, specifically geared toward convincing me to Break up with Him. He even played “When We Dance” by Sting, which is another one of my absolutely favorite songs in the entire world.

Like a true gentleman, he walked me to the door and did one of the most romantic things that absolutely makes me melt – he kissed my hand. It has been 20 years since a man kissed my hand after a date – I melted then, and I melted tonight.

This New guy, has class and this one the best first date I have ever had. But not just because of the extreme romance, but because of the respect I was given. When Crazy Man threatens that we should “just be friends” and complains about how “He just made one mistake and can’t believe I haven’t forgiven him yet,” or he says “I’m done'” I can smile and know that he is just lazy. You cannot be an ass then get man because another man treats “your girl” better. If you don’t want to take care of your girlfriend, don’t worry, another man will.  If you want to keep her, then you better treat her right and put a ring on it. (Meanwhile, the Crazy Man will be an extra ass because he talked to his ex wife before speaking to me…and he always takes out his anger at her out on me, which is how another man could come in and convince me to go on a date.)

 

The Date

Getting ready for a first date is always a bit of a thrill. It is fun to be girly, get dressed up with hair and make up on a beautiful spring evening. And after the last few weeks of dealing the Crazy Man (aka Bill Little), his yelling, cussing, verbal abuse, game playing and manipulation… I am looking forward to a nice, calm dinner full of smiles and first date conversation.

He has been interested in me for a while, but we never seem to be single at the same time. Until now. When he heard that Crazy Man and I had called it quits, he moved in quickly. Never one to waste any time, I received roses at work (how he pulled that off is still a mystery). When he found out CM was trying to win me back, he simply chuckled and said there was no competition as far as he was concerned. He could offer me what Crazy Man could not: Stability and consistency, kindness and compassion. Indeed.

That is the thing about first dates…if Crazy Man had been good to be and treated me right, this man and I would never be going out in the first place. Because new guy would not have been able to ask me out. I am a faithful woman, and I don’t cheat. Crazy had his chance, and he was such a partner that another man was able to come in and say that I deserved better.

And so legs are shaved, almost too short but still classy spring dress is on, lipstick applied, hair pretty, shoes perfect and phone on silent…and the sky is a beautiful color blue.

Acceptance

There comes a time in life where we all must accept the individual truths of our lives. No matter what we want, or need, or dream, or desire, some truths over rule all of it.

We are read fairy tales as children. We are taught that Prince Charming is always charming, that he will always love you, and that happily ever after does exist. And indeed, we see it in real life too. My parents had a fairy tale. I know several others who met and married the love of their lives and have their happily ever after.

But the reality of life is that some people never get the fairy tale. Some people never great the happily ever after, the wonderful family, the happy ending.

I have always wanted it and that is the problem. I always wanted a partner whom I could love and who would love me back. A man who, while not perfect, would still always treat me with respect and gentle kindness. I saw how my Dad treated my Mother. I always wanted a huge family, with a ridiculous amount of children running around.

And I really think that men use dangling the “fairy tale” and “wedding stuff” over women just to get what they want. The last guy I dated sure did. He would talk about wanting to build this beautiful life together, making all kinds of promises to me, only to yell and cuss me out later in the night because…well, honestly I have no idea why. Is this what love has been turned into now? Is this what it means to be with someone now? Is this what is out there now? Is this the best that it gets now? No thanks.

They say that you get what energy you put out there. But I don’t think it works that way with love. Because love involves another person. And I have put every good, pure, hopeful, romantic intention out there. If he was out there, if he existed, or even came close to existing, I would have found him, he would have found me, we would have found each other.

So I don’t get the fairy tale, the traditional family, the wonderful partner. Some people just don’t get those things in life. And maybe if I just accept that I will stop being hurt and disappointed when ANOTHER faker breaks promises. Because I am not really as tough as I pretend to be. And I am tired of being hurt. It’s exhausting.

So I am officially giving up and throwing in the towel. I simply do not have the stamina for all the lies, games and roughness required for dating in these modern times. My heart is too tender. So, I will redefine things moving forward. Maybe I’ll buy myself a ridiculously huge engagement ring, adopt a few more cats and settle in my own world in the new place. Just because you don’t have the fairy tale doesn’t mean you can’t be happy, right? And is romance really worth it if it’s fake?

It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back. That’s my girl.” ― Emma Chase, Tangled

Little Wasted

A Little poem about being a Little wasted

Little Wasted opportunities
Is all I see ahead
Wasted chances and dances
Is what you delivered instead

Crying and promising
All those pretty fake words
Wasted shots, all for naught
Yet all is well in all my worlds

An optimistic heart
Is a begger’s dream
All for fun and games he smiles
And he never felt ashamed

Opportinity chances and shots
Wasted all the same
A financial salesman lied
But he’ll say that she’s to blame

Oh yes, it was all wasted
For the small temporary high
Of all his anger and control
Now her absence leaves a hole

Little Wasted opportunities
Now will haunt him late at night
Ringing in his ears, his words
Of their very last bad fight.

Little wasted words and heartbeats
She left the the man untrue
Because you took her for granted
You’re shocked that she’d leave you

All those Little wasted moments
And yet you’ll never learn
That a woman will never stay
Where her heart gets burned

Disapointment

Disappointment

There is always disappointment when a relationship doesn’t work out. There is always a bit of grief when the life you started to think you might have with someone, suddenly gets uprooted in reality. And there is always disappointment when you find that you have let your guard down and trusted fake promises and reassurances. It is always a shock to find that the person you thought they were, is not who they really are behind the mask they presented as themselves. It goes beyond disappointment and into a feeling of betrayal actually.

Someone trusting you is a gift, and someone loving you is a privilege. Neither should be taken for granted. And when they are, it is betrayal as well. And most people think betrayal is just cheating when it comes to relationships. But it is so much more.

I always take my time in relationships because I have been hurt before. I like to make sure that the man who he actually says he is when the honeymoon phase it over and he is not on his best behavior anymore. I like seeing what happens after the butterflies, because that is what dailt life will be like with this person. You see them when they are upset, or mad, or stressed, or sad, or happy, or any other number of things. I like to make sure that they are sane, honest, considerate, gentle and kind. While no one is infallible, there are lines that cannot be crossed.

It is a mixture of betrayal and disapointment to find put that a mans actions embody every fear you have about falling in love, trusting, believing and hoping. Oddly enough, there is no anger. Anger that is not dealt with turns into bitterness. Bitterness makes you cruel. And I will never be like him. I will never be so consumed with anger that I am bitter and others pay for damage they didn’t do.

It has happened before, but this one stings a little more. Because I really wanted to trust and hope and believe. But there is a saying – when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. When I see who he is, I feel betrayed and disappointed. Betrayed because I he convinced me to trust, and disappointed in the man he turned out to be. I guess men do hunt for sport after all, I just thought the days of sporting for women was long out of fashion.

Life is short. Too short for bad relationships, people who disapoint you or those who don’t think having you is a priviledge.

Between Heartbeats

We all need time to get away, to reconnect, to relax, to breath, to catch our breath, to spend time with friends and loved ones. This past weekend was that for me and more. An invite to spend time with dear Framily (my very close friends that are family). It was a reunion of sorts, as there were several that I had not seen in a few years. They have been such dear people in my life and are family in my heart. And I am beyond blessed to have them in my life.

Friday was traveling up to South Carolina to have dinner and catch up with my “little sister” whom I adore. Saturday was brunch and beach hopping before heading over to a wonderful beach house in the middle of paradise. Reconnecting with wonderful people and so, so much love that could be felt all around. Sunday was beaching and swimming and eating and drinking. A flight was cancelled, and an extra night was added. I had to leave early in the morning to make it in for work on Monday, but it was well worth it.

The weekend was also about seeing the man to work through some issues. We all are doing the best we can in this life. Most people are not out destroy others. And most of the time, patience and Grace is needed when opening a new chapter in life. We don’t always get it right on the first try. We were able to reconnect, talk, and line out our goals and expectations moving forward.

One thing that I have learned in life is that we all need to know that we are loved, and that we matter. We all need our group of people whom we love and matter to our lives. And it is important to share time and space with those people as they immeasurable improve our lives. Studies show that people who have a strong social and support system live longer and are less likely to suffer from depression. They are also more likely to rebound and persevere after a bad emotional setback. I would not have been able to survive the past 3 years of family losses without my network of amazing people. It is inspiring to look and know that you not only have people in your corner, but that they take up the entire audience.

It was a weekend of good times, good laughter, making memories, enjoying a slice of paradise, great food and love. It is the love that made the experience amazing. It was the love that wrapped me up like a blanket in the warm, wonderful, comfortable bed. And it was the love that could be felt in every crevice, every moment of the weekend.

Life is too short. And at the end of our lives, it is not the time at work that we remember, but those beautiful moments with our friends and family. For its these people and these moments that make life worth living in between the heartbeats.

The Off Day

Everyone has the off day, where nothing works out. Last Thursday was my day, and my sitcom inspired life continued like a locomotive headed for Calamityville.

I had forgotten to set the alarm the night before and subsequently got up late as a result. Not quite awake yet, I set up the coffee incident of 2019. The first pot I forgot to put the grounds in. The second pot I missed the coffee pot all together and poured water all over the counter. Finally, the third pot was the charm. Except I spilled the cup of delicious coffee down the front of my dress. Great. A few more changes to get just the right outfit, and jewelry, and shoes and purse (This whole go into the office thing takes a lot of effort after having working from home for the past two years! It is exhausting and takes a tremendous amount of effort when you don’t even have to be dressed to start working. Wait, that sounded REALLY bad. I mean, all I would have to do is roll out of bed, turn my computer on and start working. Wait, that sounded worse. I mean that I could work in my Pjs. Since I am a writer, I don’t have even have to brush my teeth and comb my hair. OI can roll out of bed, turn on the computer and start writing…)

And that coffee was sooo delicious. If I only had not left it on the kitchen counter as I rushed out of the door. Dry mouthed, still sleepy, deprived of my morning caffeine, I was on the road for the 45 minute drive into the office. When I got there I had to empty out the entire contents of my huge purse to find the security badge that gave me access to the floor.

And I walked in a few minutes late to the scheduled morning meeting…that was scheduled for 3 hours and right through lunch. It ran an hour later – as in almost 10-2, when I had another meeting at 2. At this point I have not had breakfast, no coffee, nothing to drink in the meeting – not even water. I was about to [pass out. I ran downstairs to grab a quick sandwich that I devoured on the way upstairs to the next meeting. And I did not have time to wash my hands before the next meeting like I had planned.

So I wreaked of the tuna and onion sandwich scarfed down. It was a very small “huddle room,” so there was no escaping. Not a great thing, especially if you are a woman. I just wanted to crawl under something big and heavy…and scented. The result of that meeting is now I am designing a website. Except I am a tech writer and have no clue how to design a website. Apparently I need to do mock ups, and research and learn the how to design the site in the system. Well, I am all for learning new things….

And then on to the parking garage, where I got lost and could not find my car. I kept checking my phone to see if it was a Monday and not Thursday. It seemed that Monday was not finished with me yet and called her cousin to finish the job. Once I got home I took  my bra off and I changed into Pjs.  I wasn’t tempting fate by going out again.

I poured a glass of wine, grabbed the remote for some mindless TV, settled in for the night and had a good chuckle over the day.

Life is short. And sometimes all you can do is laugh. There is no point is getting upset – just embrace the full, glorious mess that you are.