These days life is good and complete and wonderful. This summer is one of re establishing myself, love, passion, fun, and just life in general. And I am thankful for each and every second. I am ever aware of how delicate this life is, how love connects us all and how the dark and light dance together every day.
This summer is a combination of every thing good. Lazy days and sleeping late and resting, followed by concerts and explorations. Going skydiving, taking trips, drinking wine, working out, rehydrating, and building the life I always wanted. But it is all about balance. Only when we are balanced can we truly enjoy all that life has to offer. And I am thriving.
My mother taught me that life carves out deep spaces within us every time we are hurt. These deep spaces make us into the amazingly deep works of art that our souls are meant to be. In that sense we are always evolving. But great depth comes at a great price, so you do have to go through a lot of life to get there.
Because even as wonderful as life is now, the truth is I still have moments of overwhelming grief. I will hear something or see something that brings it all back. And there I am, tears streaming down my face. Because I miss my parents and my siblings. I miss having a family. I miss someone caring where I am at midnight, and someone to tell when I have landed safely from a plane. I miss Christmas shopping, and wrapping presents. I miss the innocence of not knowing grief and death. I miss calling my parents and sharing exciting news. I miss coffee and talks and listening to the crickets or watching storms with them. I miss the smell of my mother’s Banana nut bread, and I miss my father’s voice. I miss the million little things you do when you have a family that loves you.
And not having a family leaves a huge hole. Psychology says that you must look within to fill that hole, that you cannot fill it with anything external. And I agree. Except with grief, the hole remains, because the loss of your family leaves a huge empty place that can never truly be filled because they can never be replaced. But this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
What I have found is that if you accept the fact that the hole is there, then you can move past it. And you can build a beautiful, wonderful life around it. Because the hole, and missing all of those things, does not mean that you cannot have a complete life. It just means that you recognize and acknowledge that life has changed. It is called acceptance.
I think trouble starts when we try to fill this hole with all that is external instead of accepting it’s existence. Then it becomes a blackhole, sucking every bit of life out of you and everyone around you. It is then that people become bitter; angry that they cannot fill the hole no matter what they try. So stop trying to fill it. Accept and build around it instead. I cannot change that I do not have a family, but I can change how how I deal with it.
For me, not only am I building around it, but I am going to make this hole the place from where love comes. Love comes from God and flows through us. But what if that hole, that big, beautiful hole, that goes down so deep that it makes even the human soul seem shallow, where I miss my loved ones so much, becomes where God’s love flows through me and touches others in my life? What if I turn that hole into that gate, so to speak? Then it is not just a giant hole, instead it becomes something beautiful and amazing.
And that is the great thing about life – it is your story, and you can change your story at any time. You can write that story if you want. And I am. So it will be the Great Hole of Love (no, scratch that, way too many jokes there). OK, maybe it will just be a new way of life. Because life is what we make it. So make it good.
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