We have all heard the advice that to truly enjoy life, we must live in the present.  But so many times that is not possible, or so it seems.  Because to live in the present, we have to quiet the fears of the future and the heartache of the past. We must let both go enough to hold onto what is right in front of us to enjoy it fully.

But how exactly do we do that?  I don’t know really, except that we must get to as point where we are in balance.  Homeostasis. And in this day and age of everything bigger, faster, thinner, better…that can be hard to do.  It can be hard to turn off the mind and all that makes noise.

The last two years have been quite noisy for me.  So much tragedy and loss. And it took a long time to get to this place now.  A lot of mourning and wondering.  But finally, I am in this place of homeostasis. And I almost do not know what to do with it.  And isn’t that the case in life?  We finally achieve that which we hoped to attain, only to look around and not know what to do with it.

Except that there is nothing to do now, except be present in the moment and enjoy.  And to keep that balance, every day. And maybe that is where the “what to do” comes in.  We must make a decision, every day, that we will do our best to quiet the mind and keep the balance,  And Once you get the balance, maybe the key is to be so lost in the present moment, that all else is suspended.

The summer is coming and with it brings a lot of activity in life.  There are get-togethers and trips, yard work and nights sitting out on the back deck. There will be dinner with friends, movie nights, long nights, late nights and looking at the stars nights. There will be lots of laughter, some tears, challenges and everything that is life.

And with all of these things, the ups, the downs, I feel a sense of calm. A sense that I am exactly where I need to be right at this very moment. I am no longer mourning the past, or anxious for the future. I am presently, happily, present. And it feels good.

There are still worries that will come up, but for the first time in a long time, the seas are calm.

And I will enjoy this moment, I will be so present that I will drink it up and bathe in it, very second. Breathe it in, digest, and feel it’s magic. The magic of life and love and adventure and summer and the present.

I Breathe Fire

I am strong, strong willed, hard headed, strong-minded, independent, and I breathe fire. I am determined, stubborn, I persevere, and never stop growing, improving, thriving, going, willing, doing. I am loyal, fierce, dependable, loving, kind, sincere, authentic, and I breathe fire.

I believe strong, love hard, play harder, I do what I want. I don’t play by the rules, I make my own. This is my area, my town, my city, my life and if you don’t like it, you can leave. Because I don’t run. I breathe fire.

I am my own mistress, I serve no master but God. I answer to no one but my conscience, so step aside. You will not break my stride, ruin my rhythm, force my step or knock me off my path.

I work hard for what I want, show up when I need, give what I get, and I will always be free. I make it happen in life, I roll up my sleeves ans never forget to always be me. I go down on my knees, bow my head and pray. I give thanks to the Lord, thank him for blessing me another day. And I breathe fire

I live life as I see fit, living my dreams, making them reality. I am my mother’s daughter, and she taught me well, to stand up and climb the mountain and never be afraid to fail. I have fallen and gotten up more times than I can count, but each time I walk with my chin up, because I know who I am.

I do deeds that need to be done, not cheap, not for free. I beat my own drum, make my own dance, love whomever my heart says and I fuck till I am done. I live life to the fullest, all the ups and the downs, and I will make it through and I will drink another round.

If you cross me, I will leave you cowering in the corner, where you belong. I will breathe fire down your neck until you surrender and leave, burned to the core feeling like a pile of dung. I breath fire to protect my life, my friends, my lovers, my family. There will be Peace in my home, in my bed, in my life and where I am present.

Mostly because, all because, this life is sacred. And short. And wild. We should walk through this life, this journey, with the curiosity of a child. And we should fill it with passion, love, pain, stories, joy, desire, happiness, song, lust, dance, drink, abundance, laughter, friends, family, travel and everything magic.

And so I breathe fire.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Mom.  You would have been 77 today.  I cannot help but feel redundant to say that I love and miss you, because it seems that I say that every time.  But I do love and miss you every day.


And that I wish you were here.  I think you would be proud of me, at least I hope so.  I think that you would smile to see the life that I have made and rebuilt for myself.  I know you would love the people I have around me.  Most of them you already knew, though some are new.


I am taking care of you plants, your cat and everything else. I have l=had to learn to let go of certain things and certain people.  One that was too toxic to hold onto and another who I could do nothing else for. I know you would understand both.


I cannot help but think of your birthdays in the past, how we had so much fun.  I loved buying gifts for you.  I loved seeing your face when I gave you something you really liked.  I miss having coffee with you in the morning, and wine with you in the evening.  I cannot help but think of all the laughter we had and would have if you were still here.


Mom, I just miss you.  But I feel you close to me all of the time.  And I am getting through life without you.  I know that is what you would have wanted.


And here it is, your birthday gift this year:  I am OK.  I am happy.  And I will be OK.  Because you taught me how to live a strong life. Because you lead by example. Because you were the best teacher. But you don’t need to worry, you taught me well.


I do have a favor to ask.  One of my best friends is sick.  Can you please say a good word for her.  I know His Will be done, but a good word couldn’t hurt.


I Love you and miss you every day.