Only Love

“I want love to be so present in my life that it is tangible.”

I said this over a year ago, and set this out as my intention with life. After heartache and loss, I want love, everywhere, in everything that I do. But you have to have a foundation to build upon first.  And that foundation is build from the inside out.

Why is that?  I think it is because you cannot receive love without giving first.  You cannot be a bitter, nasty person and still be surrounded by love and goodness.  So, you must work on yourself first, so that you emit love, so that the love and Grace of God flows through you and to others.  At least that is how is seems to me.

And maybe that is the way it is after there has been a lot of loss.  When you no longer have parents or a family, you must create those safe spaces for yourself.  And that takes time.  It takes time for those roots to set in, to get used to the fact that the safety you enjoyed as a child must be redefined as an adult. I can no longer go to my childhood home, sit up late at night and talk to my Mom, making plans with her wisdom and love.  I must create that space for myself.

And that space is my home. Maybe this is why I have been a bit of a homebody.  To establish home as my safe harbor in the world, where I have peace.  And don’t we all need that?  A place where we know our emotions and bodies are safe, where we are sacred, where we can be sheltered from all the world throws at us.  A place to rest, convalesce, dream, build and have those who mean the most to us close to us.

I am making it so I can be at home as much as I want, to be in my little slice of heaven. To cook for friends, have wine out on the back deck (if it ever stops raining), to have coffee in the morning and hear the birds, watch them as they settle on the bird feeders. To have my home filled with great memories and laughter, peace and love.

There will still be travel, as I will always be curious to the about the world and all it contains. When you cease being curious about the world around you, you stop growing. But I am not in a hurry to rush around town, doing this and that. I am not interested in seeing and being seen. My time in limited, so I want to be very purposeful with how I spend it and with whom.

Because that is all I have room for in my life – only love and all the good things it brings.  And that is how it should be with all of us.  Happiness takes vigilance and regular pruning to make sure that only the love gets in.

That which gives you peace will also bring you happiness.

 

Prayers

This is my beautiful friend Melissa, who is fighting cancer. Please also say many prayers for her, her husband and their children.

Update:

Warning: If you are offended easy or do not find frank talk about the body appealing, then please skip:

The Burden of Being Loved

Being loved is an incredible gift, but it can also be a burden.  By this I mean that it can be hard to accept that love, unconditionally, honestly, wholly, in all of its beautiful glory.  Because accepting that love means accepting help when you are unable to help yourself.  And many feel that they are not worthy, or that they do not want to be a burden.  Let me tell you – you are not a burden to those who love you.

One of my close friends is very sick with triple cancer. She is weak, in pain and not feeling well at all.  And she is at the point where she needs help with things, like fixing meals and caring for her small child.  But this is so very hard for her because she is beautiful and independent and crafty and smart and has never had to depend on anyone.  She has always had to strength and will to do for herself.  But this is cancer, and cancer is hard. She does not want to be a burden to those who love her. She is being strong, doing what she can and accepting help when she needs it, but it is not easy.

It was very hard taking care of my father when he had cancer. But it was my honor and privilege to be there for him.  And I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I would give anything to have another day with him, to hug him, help him, tell him that I love him.  He hated having to depend on me, he didn’t want to be a burden either.  But he never was.  I loved taking care of him and those days are some of the most cherished memories that I have with him.  Honestly, my siblings were the burden – they were too selfish, or busy, or scared, or just too disinterested, to help. But they still made demands and wanted consideration.  They were the burden, but never my Dad.

I served my father with Joy.  But it was not easy for him to let others help him either. And no one talks about how hard that is.  Everyone just says how lucky you are to have others help, and that is true.  But it also requires surrendering to the fact that you need help, and letting others love you enough to be there.

My Mom couldn’t do it.  She loved others deeply, but for some reason was unable to let anyone help her.  She needlessly suffered in silence.  She would not let anyone close enough to admit that she was scared, or depressed, or tired.  I loved her with all of my heart, and I desperately wanted to help her, but she wouldn’t let me or anyone else.  This drove a wedge between us and made communication difficult.  I felt helpless as I knew she was hurting but could do nothing but sit by and watch.

The ironic thing is that she is the one who taught me the importance of accepting love and help from others.  She said that you have to allow others the gift of helping you.  Because there are some people who are put on the earth to give, to serve, and to help.  If you do not allow them, then you are denying them their purpose.  There are people who need to give.  And in accepting their gifts we allow them to fulfill that need.

And that is the burden, the beautiful burden, of being loved.  And many times, it is the hardest lesson. Because it requires us to be vulnerable, and to be helpless and to give up our independence and face our own humanity and limitations. And that makes us uncomfortable. But love is a great and patient teacher.

I needed to give to my parents. I believe that was one of my purposes on this Earth. I needed to be there, taking care of them. Because that is the only gift I could give them that would even come close to repaying all that they had done for me.

So if you are in need, don’t worry about being a burden.  Love and loving is never burdensome.  Let those who need to give, give to you. Not because you need it so much, but because they do.

The Habit of Happiness

We can get into a habit of almost anything.  In fact there have been many books written about how to create habits, from drinking water, to being organized to exercising (which I am still working on). But most people over look one critical habit:  The habit of happiness. Most are under the impression that happiness just happens.  It’s magic, one day you are miserable and then one day 0 poof! – you turn happy.  In reality it doesn’t happen that way.

Many also think that once they achieve or gain “X”, that they will be happy.  It could be a new job or promotion or relationship, or car, or whatever…but the bottom line is while those things may make you happy for a little while, that doesn’t last either.  And if you were not satisfied before, you will not be after either.

The truth is that happiness is a lot of work.  It isn’t magic, it is purposefully working at it every day, setting your intentions and following through with actions.  That is the only way to take the illusion of happiness into reality.  But…how do we do that?

First, know that you can change your circumstance if you are not happy.  It truly doesn’t matter where you start, it is where you want to be and how hard you are willing to work at it.  You are not a tree, you can move and grow.  You can change your position any time you. Like.  That is the magic about life, you can write your own story.  The change will not be instant, it will take time.  But eventually it will change.

Helping others will also bring a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.  Maybe it is getting your mind off your own problems, or realizing that in comparison, your issues may not be as bad as others.  Maybe it is the endorphins that are released into the body, maybe it is Karma I don’t know.  But helping others will boost your happiness as well.

Also fostering meaningful connections helps to.  Do this by being very intentional with how you second your time.  Wonder why they say those who spend more time on social media are more depressed and less satisfied?  Because they agree not really connecting with anyone.  They are seeing life through filters…which is not real.  There is no substantial sharing.  Gossip, small talk, complaining and negative conversations tend to drain you of your energy.

It may sound basic, but getting enough sleep and enough exercise is key to happiness as well.  We don’t function well if we are tired. And our bodies won’t feel good if we are sedentary.  Get off the couch, put the phone down, and go for a run or walk.  The exercise will help you sleep better too.

Be aware of the company you keep. If you have those who are constantly miserable, have drama or are always involving you in unnecessary dramas, then run, run like the wind!  These people are vampires and can suck the happiness right out of a room. Do not waste your precious time and energy on what doesn’t serve you. Instead, surround yourself with those who are positive and supportive.  I don’t mean “yes” people, I mean people who spend there time working to better themselves and their lives s well. People who will support you. In your dreams by being honest and those who are willing to help.

But to me the most important factor in being happy is paying close attention to how your life feels right now, and how you want it to feel.  IF you want to be fulfilled, then do and go after only that which makes you feel that way.  If you want a life filled with laughter, then be around what makes you laugh.  Don’t attached happiness to a list, simply follow what feels good, what makes you laugh.  And if it doesn’t make you feel the way you want your life to feel?  Then get rid of it.  That includes people.

I have learned that life is too short to waste of that which does not make you happy.  Knw that you have the power to make your life whatever you want it to be.  You may have to change your way t=of thinking, but happiness can be a habit too.

Go Deep or Go Home

The older I get it becomes more and more apparent that you must enjoy what is in front of you. This life is fleeting, is make it spectacular. Make it meaningful.  Make it profound.  Don’t just settle for small talk, get into the nitty gritty and really connect.  Appreciate all the little moments as gifts, because they are.

The past week I have learned that a dear friend has three types of cancer. Another passed away suddenly and left behind the love of her life devastated. When events like this happen, they inevitably make you look at your own life and what you want.

I’ve come from a place of such heartbreak and loss, that I want to deeply enjoy every moment that I have. I don’t just want connections, I want deep connections, and deep friendships, and deep conversations, and a deep life. I want to have the things that mean the most close to me. I want to be immersed in all the moments in this life, because you never know what might happen.

I think this is because when you get hurt and are in pain, that pain carves out deep spaces within you.  And what satisfied you before isn’t enough afterward. Your capacity for joy, love and beauty is much more, so it takes more to fill you. You love deeper, feel deeper, experience life on a deeper level, because you are a more profound individual. I think, that what makes the pain worth it is that the joy far surpasses the pain.  And that is as it must be.

But in this day and age of Kardashians, and Instagram filters makimg you look beautiful and happy even when you’re not, and where outward appearances are everything, how do you get that? When everything is shallow and what is below the surface doesn’t seem to matter?

I think it has to do with intentions. You have to set your intentions to seek out what is meaningful, to find more than just a small talk, to see what’s behind someone’s eyes. You have to be brave enough to ask the purposeful questions and be willing to listen to the relevant answers.   Everyone is craving better more meaningful connections, so if you approach others with that intention, they will respond in kind.

You also have to search for people who have the same depth and breadth as you in life. You must seek out those who have the same level of commitment to loyalty, honor, and integrity. Because trust me, if you settle for those who don’t have the same level of commitment, those people will hurt you. It is as much about self-preservation, as it is about living a good life. And once you find them, your people, then you begin to live life on a more profound level.

Our satisfaction, fulfillment and impact depend on the intentions that we set.  We cannot have significant connections if we are not willing to go below the surface – to be curious about life, and people, and things.

And those are my intentions. It is not so much Carpe Diem and it is Carpe Deeper.  For me it is not about seizing the day as it is seizing the opportunity to enjoy each small moment. It doesn’t have to be loud or conspicuous, or loaded up selfies on social media.  It can be as quiet as enjoying a good night’s sleep, and then a delicious cup of coffee on the front porch the next morning.  It can be seeing the beauty in the smiling eyes of a child.  It can be seeing the miracle of birds and flowers. It can be a thousand different things in a million different ways, but being aware and committed enough to get to the most substantial meaning out of each experience. So never be afraid to go deeper.

My Royal Opinion, Because it Matters

In case you live under a rock and did not know, the royal wedding was this weekend. As much as I wanted to get up and see it, my bed is very comfortable.  SO when the alarm went off at 4am, I turned it off, rolled over and went back to sleep.  But one of the great things about living in the digital age, is that you don’t have to watch anything live any more.

I knew the wedding would be all over the internet, and indeed it was.  Along with all the comments and opinions. And the only thing I have to say is – Wow, we have become a truly ugly society.

Internet trolls have been around since the internet, but is it just me or does it seem like they are multiplying in record numbers?  Most comments used to be nice, with a few negatives.  Now, everyone has to say something ugly.

The new royal was criticized for wearing too much make up, for not wearing enough make up, for not looking like a princess, for having a dress that is too plain and not ornate enough for the public, for her hair, her figure, for…everything.  Celebrity after celebrity saying what they thought was wrong. One even saying that she would have gone to one more fitting for the dress…Well, Since Megan was working with the designer, I am sure it fit exactly the way it was supposed to. And her new husband didn’t seem to mind….

Since when did we become so negative?  Since when is it in fashion to trash someone just to get your 5 seconds of internet fame? Since when is it OK to tear others down to make ourselves feel more important? And since when it is wrong just because you would have made a different choice?

What is my opinion on the royal wedding?  I think that if the bride and groom were happy, then it was a success, and what everyone else thinks is irrelevant.

And what’s up with all the mean mimes about the Queen or anyone else involved? Maybe the queen just has RBF?

Why can’t we just be positive?  They are a young couple who are in love…and happen to be royalty.  I can’t help but remember Princess Dianna when I watched that royal wedding as a child. She was beautiful and radiant. And no one said anything bad.  I wonder if that would be the case today, or if our society today would rip her apart too.

If any one us faced the criticisms, judgements and negative comments that young people in the media are subjected to today, none of us would have the courage to leave the house. Why can’t we just wish this young couple a lifetime of happiness?  Why criticize her make up?  If you don’t like how little make up she was wearing, when you get married, you can cake it on.  If you don’t like the dress, wear a different one when you get married.  If you don’t like her hair, wear your different at your wedding.  Otherwise, if you can’t say something nice…just keep quiet.

Dad’s Last Lesson

Out parents teach us many lessons in our lives.  They are our first teachers, our first relationships, our first authority figures, our first home, our first friends.  From learning how to tie our shoes, to learning how to eat a first, how to use the toilette, and how write our names, how to read, how to clean out room…and so many more things that I cannot even begin to list.  And sometimes we do not even realize a lesson they taught us until after they are gone.

Such is the case with my father. Even though he has been gone over a year, and there are things I am just realizing that he taught me.  These moments are wonderful undiscovered gifts, wrapped up in a bow; a package inconspicuously sitting in a corner.  Sometimes it takes some distance to see the picture clearly. I am not only seeing what he taught me, but I am also seeing the situation for what it truly was.

It was hard after Mom died when Dad came to live with me.  It is hard taking care of an elderly terminally ill man who is grieving the loss of his wife, while you are grieving the loss of your mother.  The weight of it is almost unbearable.  But you get through.

And it dawned on that taking care of my father kept me grounded.  I would have been tempted to have compromised and given up too much of myself if he had not been there.  Life has a way of showing you where your priorities should be.

At the time I did not know that I was dating a man who was a narcissist.  Everything had to be centered around him, all of the time.  When my father moved in the ex was no longer the center.  At first the ex was OK with it, but after a few months, he decided he was done. He never said it out loud, but the shift was audible.

This made the load exceptionally heavy to carry, but it also made me focus on what was truly important.  In a relationship, sometimes we can have a tendency to give too much of ourselves.  We acquiesce when we really don’t want to, we make concessions to please our partner, or to avoid a fight. I am a nurturer, and I want to please, so I have to be careful about giving too much and depleting. Myself.

The ex and I began to fight all of the time, because he was not the center. Because I was giving too much to my father. Dad had to remain the focus and that enraged the ex. I was placed in the position where was something so important, that the situation could not be compromised.

 

No matter how much I wanted to please my partner, I knew that my father’s health came first, and I did not, could not, would not give in.  Instead of bargaining to avoid a fight, I fought for the best interest of my father.  Instead of being manipulated into acquiescing to unhealthy demands, I stood strong where my father was concerned. I found something more important that myself, or even that relationship, and I was not going to settle.

And by having something more important than myself, I learned the difference between healthy arrangements and unhealthy covenants.  Because of taking care of Dad, I learned the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy requirements.

These lessons have already helped me in my life moving forward.  Understanding how healthy negotiations work in a functional relationship is an important lesson. If Dad had not been there, I would have given far too much of myself. Instead of ending up in an unhealthy downward spiral, I held onto my beliefs to keep my father and myself in an emotionally safe place during a difficult situation.

That was my Dad’s lesson to me:  I saw and understood how it should and should not happen.  I know how two people who love each other should support and compromise in a way that is beneficial to all parties.

So thank you Daddy.  I will remember what you taught me, and I will always be thankful for my time with you and taking care of you.

Come with Me

Come with me
Hold my hand
Feel my heart
And hold both as sacred

For I want to love you
Need to need you
Long to kiss you and
Hope to see you

I love your smile
And they way you laugh
I enjoy your company
And the conversation of your voice

There is no pretense
No forced rymes in this note
No false airs
Just my words

Just my feelings
On the screen of paper
Just what my heart whispers
As night is quiet

And so I hope
Even though it is not fancy
Or in the least bit flashy
That we can build this life

And that you will accept me
and this humble heart
As it is offered to you
It is all I have

Homeostasis

We have all heard the advice that to truly enjoy life, we must live in the present.  But so many times that is not possible, or so it seems.  Because to live in the present, we have to quiet the fears of the future and the heartache of the past. We must let both go enough to hold onto what is right in front of us to enjoy it fully.

But how exactly do we do that?  I don’t know really, except that we must get to as point where we are in balance.  Homeostasis. And in this day and age of everything bigger, faster, thinner, better…that can be hard to do.  It can be hard to turn off the mind and all that makes noise.

The last two years have been quite noisy for me.  So much tragedy and loss. And it took a long time to get to this place now.  A lot of mourning and wondering.  But finally, I am in this place of homeostasis. And I almost do not know what to do with it.  And isn’t that the case in life?  We finally achieve that which we hoped to attain, only to look around and not know what to do with it.

Except that there is nothing to do now, except be present in the moment and enjoy.  And to keep that balance, every day. And maybe that is where the “what to do” comes in.  We must make a decision, every day, that we will do our best to quiet the mind and keep the balance,  And Once you get the balance, maybe the key is to be so lost in the present moment, that all else is suspended.

The summer is coming and with it brings a lot of activity in life.  There are get-togethers and trips, yard work and nights sitting out on the back deck. There will be dinner with friends, movie nights, long nights, late nights and looking at the stars nights. There will be lots of laughter, some tears, challenges and everything that is life.

And with all of these things, the ups, the downs, I feel a sense of calm. A sense that I am exactly where I need to be right at this very moment. I am no longer mourning the past, or anxious for the future. I am presently, happily, present. And it feels good.

There are still worries that will come up, but for the first time in a long time, the seas are calm.

And I will enjoy this moment, I will be so present that I will drink it up and bathe in it, very second. Breathe it in, digest, and feel it’s magic. The magic of life and love and adventure and summer and the present.

I Breathe Fire

I am strong, strong willed, hard headed, strong-minded, independent, and I breathe fire. I am determined, stubborn, I persevere, and never stop growing, improving, thriving, going, willing, doing. I am loyal, fierce, dependable, loving, kind, sincere, authentic, and I breathe fire.

I believe strong, love hard, play harder, I do what I want. I don’t play by the rules, I make my own. This is my area, my town, my city, my life and if you don’t like it, you can leave. Because I don’t run. I breathe fire.

I am my own mistress, I serve no master but God. I answer to no one but my conscience, so step aside. You will not break my stride, ruin my rhythm, force my step or knock me off my path.

I work hard for what I want, show up when I need, give what I get, and I will always be free. I make it happen in life, I roll up my sleeves ans never forget to always be me. I go down on my knees, bow my head and pray. I give thanks to the Lord, thank him for blessing me another day. And I breathe fire

I live life as I see fit, living my dreams, making them reality. I am my mother’s daughter, and she taught me well, to stand up and climb the mountain and never be afraid to fail. I have fallen and gotten up more times than I can count, but each time I walk with my chin up, because I know who I am.

I do deeds that need to be done, not cheap, not for free. I beat my own drum, make my own dance, love whomever my heart says and I fuck till I am done. I live life to the fullest, all the ups and the downs, and I will make it through and I will drink another round.

If you cross me, I will leave you cowering in the corner, where you belong. I will breathe fire down your neck until you surrender and leave, burned to the core feeling like a pile of dung. I breath fire to protect my life, my friends, my lovers, my family. There will be Peace in my home, in my bed, in my life and where I am present.

Mostly because, all because, this life is sacred. And short. And wild. We should walk through this life, this journey, with the curiosity of a child. And we should fill it with passion, love, pain, stories, joy, desire, happiness, song, lust, dance, drink, abundance, laughter, friends, family, travel and everything magic.

And so I breathe fire.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Mom.  You would have been 77 today.  I cannot help but feel redundant to say that I love and miss you, because it seems that I say that every time.  But I do love and miss you every day.

 

And that I wish you were here.  I think you would be proud of me, at least I hope so.  I think that you would smile to see the life that I have made and rebuilt for myself.  I know you would love the people I have around me.  Most of them you already knew, though some are new.

 

I am taking care of you plants, your cat and everything else. I have l=had to learn to let go of certain things and certain people.  One that was too toxic to hold onto and another who I could do nothing else for. I know you would understand both.

 

I cannot help but think of your birthdays in the past, how we had so much fun.  I loved buying gifts for you.  I loved seeing your face when I gave you something you really liked.  I miss having coffee with you in the morning, and wine with you in the evening.  I cannot help but think of all the laughter we had and would have if you were still here.

 

Mom, I just miss you.  But I feel you close to me all of the time.  And I am getting through life without you.  I know that is what you would have wanted.

 

And here it is, your birthday gift this year:  I am OK.  I am happy.  And I will be OK.  Because you taught me how to live a strong life. Because you lead by example. Because you were the best teacher. But you don’t need to worry, you taught me well.

 

I do have a favor to ask.  One of my best friends is sick.  Can you please say a good word for her.  I know His Will be done, but a good word couldn’t hurt.

 

I Love you and miss you every day.

What Makes You Stop

There are times in your life that make you stop and think, that make you hit your knees. Yesterday was such a day. One of my best and longest friends was told she has cancer in her kidneys, liver and lungs. My heart broke, but it cannot be anything compared to what she and her family is going through.

And it makes me think of all that I have and all I am thankful for. All the things that we take for granted every day. And how to handle that kind of news? She has an amazing husband and family on both sides, but even with the best support system, it is difficult.

And so I will pray, every day for my friend and ask that you do too. And I will be aware and thankful everyday for all that I have and every day that my friend has too.

She is strong and has faith. She is brave as she goes forth.

Hug those you love today.

I Bought Your Mother’s Day Card Today

Hi Mom, it’s me. I bought your Mother’s Day card today. It was hard searching for the right one, but I found one that was pretty good. And I’ll write more in it before I send it off with the balloons this weekend.

I miss you so much. But I think you’d be proud at how I’m carrying on and moving forward. I found happiness again. And I’m laughing and smiling and I feel Joy again. But I miss you and Dad oh so much. I often look to the sky to see you. And I see you in the clouds, and in the lightning, and I swear I hear you in the Wind. I see you when I dream at night too. And those are my favorite nights. When I get to see you again, and I get to hear your voice sometimes too, and every now and then I get to hug you before you disappear or I wake up.

I have a job that I love now, doing creative writing for an amazing agency. And I’m trying to take care of BT, but I don’t know how good I’m doing. And I’m taking care of all of your plants, and most of them lived through the winter! I wish you were around to tell me what to do with this massive backyard. There so many flowers and things that are already here, and I’m not sure how to keep them looking good. And I want to plant more but I’m not sure where, or what.

Life seems to be going pretty good, and it’s about time honestly. I was sad for a really long time after you and dad died. But I’ve gotten to the other side of that, though I’ll never get over losing you, not truly. And I’ve heard that’s the case, that you never really get over the grief of losing your parents. And I wish you were here so I could talk to you about that. Did you ever get over the grief of losing your parents? Was it this hard for you to? Did you ever think about them and wonder they were sending signs and signals to you? And what did you find was the best way to handle the grief? All these and so many more questions I wanted to ask you.

Personal life is doing well too, and Love is a Many-Splendored Thing. I know that you would like him, especially if you saw how happy I was. You always had the knack for reading people.

There are so many things that I wish I could say to you on a daily basis. I miss our daily talks, and I missed telling you about my day. Even the little things like the fact that I have opossum in my yard. I like it because he can’t carry rabies and he eats ticks.

I miss you so much every single day. I have so much to tell you. You are you are my best friend. And I hope that you’re proud of me and how I’ve been living my life. I hope that you are proud of and appreciate how hard I’ve been trying to keep everything together. I hope that you see a lot of you and me, when you look down and see me. And I hope that you visit me in my dreams tonight too. And I hope you like your Mother’s Day card, When You See It rising up with the balloons on Mother’s Day.

Say hello to Dad, and give him a hug for me. I love you always.

The Human Condition of Fear

Fear is one of the most basic human emotions.  And it is part of the human condition.  But lately it is become a bad word, it is become politically incorrect to admit that you fear anything.  Because, according to the law of attraction, you bring to you that which leads your thoughts.  So if you fear something, that is what you will attract.  But I disagree to a certain point.

I agree that if you concentrate on that which you fear, it will come to you.  But, I also believe that there are certain circumstances, certain events, that make us afraid.  And that ignoring or denying that fear is to deny your very human existence.  Because we are human, and we do fear.

You must allow yourself to be human, and to face your fears.  You have to admit you are afraid and what you are afraid of if you are to work through and deal with those fears.  How can you slay them, if you deny their very existence?

I’ll go first.

One of my best friends is sick.  She and I have known each other since my early days in radio – over 20 years. She taught me everything I know about how to produce and co host a top morning show.  And now she is facing something very horrible.  She finds out maybe as early as tomorrow – but all the symptoms are there.

And she is afraid.  I am too.  I am afraid of losing one of my best friends, so early in her life.  I am afraid of what they will find, I am afraid of what it means for her husband and children.  I am afraid of feeling such a sense of loss again.  I am afraid that she will be in pain and suffer, like I saw my parents suffer.  I am afraid of going to another funeral.  I am afraid of the diagnosis and prognosis. She is my age, how can she be sick? She is too young to be sick.

She felt a little guilty saying that she was afraid too. Because after all, if you believe in the power of attraction, and the secret, and that what you think is what you manifest and what is drawn to you….then how can you admit that fear?

Because you are human.  And you have to face it to conquer it.  That is why it is so scary – when you admit you are scared, you are admitting that you are human and that you do not know the future.  You are admitting that some things may be out of your control. When you admit it , you are devoting yourself to your humanness and doing what you can to get better.

Life is hard.  And I find this hard to write because I am so afraid of my heart breaking if the worst happens.  There is a chance, but there is also a chance that the best might happen.  That a wonderful miracle could happen. But if we do not face the fear, then we cannot truly give ourselves to the possibility that the worse may not happen, should not happen.

If we are truly going to give ourselves to the possibility of the best outcome, then we must first surrender to the fear of the worst.

So I am going to see my friend. And we are going to talk, and cry and admit our fears.  We are going to face them head on. And no doubt we will be shaking to our core. And then, we will give ourselves wholly, fully, to the Mercy and Will of God, and believe with all our mighty hearts, that the best will happen.

To the Teachers

Teachers have a huge responsibility that often gets overlooked.They not only teach our children, but they form and shape the little minds which they teach. No one would be where they are today, or who they are today, without the help of the teachers who taught them. It is Teacher Appreciation Week, and I have several teachers to thank. First all of my teachers who put up with me in school deserve medals. I was the one who was always talking to others, always being creative and who was always decorating my papers with extra designs. These teachers had the hard ask of keeping me from being board in class, of keeping me focused and helping me to realize my potential. I was also the one who stood up to the bullies. I was the smallest, so they thought I was an easy target. No so much.

They not only teach our children, but they form and shape the little minds which they teach. No one would be where they are today, or who they are today, without the help of the teachers who taught them. It is Teacher Appreciation Week, and I have several teachers to thank. First all of my teachers who put up with me in school deserve medals. I was the one who was always talking to others, always being creative and who was always decorating my papers with extra designs. These teachers had the hard ask of keeping me from being board in class, of keeping me focused and helping me to realize my potential. I was also the one who stood up to the bullies. I was the smallest, so they thought I was an easy target. No so much.

It is Teacher Appreciation Week, and I have several teachers to thank. First all of my teachers who put up with me in school deserve medals. I was the one who was always talking to others, always being creative and who was always decorating my papers with extra designs. These teachers had the hard ask of keeping me from being board in class, of keeping me focused and helping me to realize my potential. I was also the one who stood up to the bullies. I was the smallest, so they thought I was an easy target. No so much.

My mother told me that if I faught back, if I didn’t draw blood I couldn’t come home. It was a different time then and kids did not get into trouble for fighting back or defending themselves. And at that age, you are sure your parents know everything. I did as I was told. I warned the bullies three times to stop or I would fight back. They usually laughed. But then the three warnings were up and that was it. What do you do with a kid who is being bullied but who warns the bullies three times before doing anything? The teachers had their hands full. My 5^th grade science teacher, Mr. Sanders. Sparked my interest in science and all the mysteries that the world holds. He encouraged children to be curious and was the first person I ever remember hearing say that there were no stupid questions. He did fun classroom experinments and kept all of us guessing. My 7^th grade English teach, Ms. Childs, was next.

My 5^th grade science teacher, Mr. Sanders. Sparked my interest in science and all the mysteries that the world holds. He encouraged children to be curious and was the first person I ever remember hearing say that there were no stupid questions. He did fun classroom experinments and kept all of us guessing. My 7^th grade English teach, Ms. Childs, was next.

She was sweet and encouraged me to write poetry. She would patiently read my juvenile poetry and write encouraging little notes. My Freshman year of Highschool I had a huge crush on her son. I dreamt of being her daughter-in-law, but alas, it was not to be. Once in highschool there were a number of teachers who helped me. My freshman math teacher, Mr. Lee, took pity on me and let me do extra credit assignments because I tried so hard to be good at algebra, but just wasn’t. Same with my sophomore Chemistry teacher. Stoikiometry kicked my tail and he let me come into class early and do extra credit labs to keep my grade up.

Once in highschool there were a number of teachers who helped me. My freshman math teacher, Mr. Lee, took pity on me and let me do extra credit assignments because I tried so hard to be good at algebra, but just wasn’t. Same with my sophomore Chemistry teacher. Stoikiometry kicked my tail and he let me come into class early and do extra credit labs to keep my grade up.

After graduation he said that he understood that some kids just weren’t good at math, but excelled in other areas. He never wanted to punish a child for not being “math minded,” so he would work with them as long as they put forth the effort. My sophomore Social Studies teacher was the first to encourage me to reach higher. He pulled me aside and said that I was too smart for his class level, and that I should apply for advanced classes. He would sponsor me if I did. I was shocked.

My sophomore Social Studies teacher was the first to encourage me to reach higher. He pulled me aside and said that I was too smart for his class level, and that I should apply for advanced classes. He would sponsor me if I did. I was shocked.

I applied and got in. Mrs. Lawrence, my junior Social studies teacher was amazing and fun. She seemed to know everything and made history interesting. We all especially enjoyed the week she showed the movies about the Salem Witch Trails. She made us work hard though and taught us that hard work can also be a lot of fun. My sophomore English teacher was another one who encouraged my writing. She would also take the time to look at all my writings and make comments. As busy as teachers are, I don’t know how, or why, she made the time. But she did. And I loved it. I soaked it all up like a big sponge. My senior English teachers were next – Mrs. Moser and Mrs. Hickox. Oh, they were tough. We had to write essays every week, in addition to our regular work in the class. And a research paper each month that was 10 pages at minimum. They read The Canterbury Tales to us in original Olde English. I had never heard it before and it was beautiful. And then there was having to memorize and perform Shakespeare – and if we got anything wrong, we would fail Senior English and would not be allowed to graduate.

My sophomore English teacher was another one who encouraged my writing. She would also take the time to look at all my writings and make comments. As busy as teachers are, I don’t know how, or why, she made the time. But she did. And I loved it. I soaked it all up like a big sponge. My senior English teachers were next – Mrs. Moser and Mrs. Hickox. Oh, they were tough. We had to write essays every week, in addition to our regular work in the class. And a research paper each month that was 10 pages at minimum. They read The Canterbury Tales to us in original Olde English. I had never heard it before and it was beautiful. And then there was having to memorize and perform Shakespeare – and if we got anything wrong, we would fail Senior English and would not be allowed to graduate.

I have never worked so hard in my life. Mrs. Moser invited me, and some other students, to go on a trip to Canada with her. IT was her personal trip, and she did not have to take any kids at all. But she did. And it was a wonderful experience. It was supposed to be England, but the Gulf war broke out and she was afraid that it wasn’t safe to travel oversees. We had a blast. She was fun and gracious and generous. My best teacher by far was my mother. She is the reason that I am a writer. She read to me as a child and fueled the desire to not only read, but write stories of my own. She taught me how important it was to use my imagination and tell stories. She reviewed all of my writings before they were turned into my teachers. She taught me that no matter what your education level, no matter what you want to do in life, you can accomplish anything if you can speak and write well. She was right. So thank yu to all of my wonderful teachers. I loved all of you.

The Mother’s Day

Anyone familiar with grief and the loss of loved ones will tell you that no matter how far along you are in the process, no matter how much time it has been, there are certain days that may still be hard.

I have come a long way since her death almost two years ago, but still some days are harder than others. Mother’s Day, her birthday, the holidays, can be especially hard. Last Mother’s Day was the first without her and that first one I think is the worst. I am not sure how the second one will be. Last year I celebrated by getting her a card, swimming out into the ocean, releasing the card to let the tide deliver the message. And I know that she got it. It was amazing and beautiful and cathartic and wonderful.

 

For their 50^th anniversary, in November, I got them both a card, and swam out to the ocean again. That time a friend swam out with me so that I would not be alone. And it was beautiful. There are many ways to remember a loved one…from planting trees, to having a nice dinner, to doing charity work. But none of those seem to fit. Maybe I will go out to a lake and deliver a message that way. Maybe release balloons. Maybe I will read her manuscript that she wanted me to finish. Maybe I will look for the signs and find a way to celebrate, to do something new and make a memory in her honor. I will find some way to celebrate her, and her life and our relationship. Our last Mother’s Day was not the best as Mom was sick and very moody. That made it difficult at best. She often got mad at small things and I did not understand why or what was going on. But we loved each other so very much that even her sickness could not break that bond. Grief is universal, and so is losing your parents. Hug them if you still have them around. Tell them you love them. And cherish every day you have together. Make Mother’s Day a true celebration. Make it the best you can so the memories are wonderful.

I am not sure how the second one will be.

 

Hug them if you still have them around. Tell them you love them. And cherish every day you have together. Make Mother’s Day a true celebration. Make it the best you can so the memories are wonderful.

Safe and Sound

The older I get the more I realize how important it’s to love where you live. Your home should be your sanctuary, it should be your safe place to go to in the world. It should be protected and sacred, a place of love and convalescence. But I have also come to realize how important loving your neighborhood is as

well.

In this hurried day and age, it is important to know who your neighbors are. Back in the day, people not only knew their neighbors, but where actually friends. These days that is not always the case, which is a shame.

I have always loved meeting my neighbors, knowing them and being friends. Talking when both outside and doing yard work, stopping to say hello when out jogging.That is one of the many reasons why I love the area I live now, people make it a point to get to know you.

When younger I wasn’t so sure about those “nosy neighbors” but now I love it. Those are the people who keep everyone safe. They know everyone’s car, everyone’s schedule and who should be where and when. That means that these people are looking out for me, and everyone else around as well. They let others know when a strange car is lurking around, or a strange person knocking on doors, or if they notice an older man lurking around teenage girls.

They know everyone’s car, everyone’s schedule and who should be where and when. That means that these people are looking out for me, and everyone else around as well.

And they talk about it, so everyone knows if they need to keep an eye out too. We know who has a lost pet or has a crazy ex-husband, who is elderly or has elderly living with them or when kids should be home from school.

I am a single woman who lives alone, in one of the largest sex trafficking cities in the world. In this day and age, it takes a village to make sure that we are safe, especially children, especially girls.

Between trafficking, perverts and other criminals, we must watch out for each other now more than ever. We must know who our neighbors are, talk to them and make sure they know us too.

That is one of the many reasons I love where I live. My neighbors know who I am and who the regulars are in my life. I love the ladies who watch over all of us. They notice everything that goes on in the area. I like it because it keeps that trash out too. People who are doing what they shouldn’t don’t last very long before they get too uncomfortable.

It makes me feel safe to know that we are a community, watching out for each other. A community looking after our own

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Beauty Falling into Place

There was a beautiful Rhythm to life, if you take a moment to listen to it to find it. And if you listen close enough, you can almost hear when life clicks and things start falling into place. And when things do start falling into place it is truly such a beautiful thing. All the hard work and all the struggle and all that everything of it all, false brilliantly, wonderfully, beautifully in the place.

This is where I find myself this evening. Life and career and love and friendships and everything have fallen into place more smoothly and brilliantly than I could have ever thought possible. It’s like this beautiful puzzle of life suddenly has the last piece that fits put right in its place.

I am fully only riding creative pieces now, the water the weather is warm and I’m working out in the yard, my friends are happy and healthy, and life is truly wonderful.

And this evening was a small get-together for Cinco de Mayo. A small gathering of friends and we laughed and we ate and we talked. The evening was very casual and laid-back. There were tacos, and margaritas, and sour cheese, and laughter.

And as I sit here in bed and type, with my kitchen all messy, and dirty dishes in the sink, I couldn’t be more pleased. I’m here, making memories, making a home, and loving life. Truly this is where Beauty Falls.

Dirty Laundry, Michael Mule’

That moment your ex, who cheated on you with prostitutes and strippers, contacts you and acts friendly, but you know the snake that he is. Then he tries to get back together by talking about all his great . memories, you rebuff him and he gets angry….and tries to tell you not to say, type or write his name (because he thinks he is Beatlejuice? Or a dictator who has never heard of Freedom of Speech and the First Amendment). Hahahaha!!

Michael Mule’ Getting friendly

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My response – burn

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Michael Mule is hurt

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Small Healing

Even though I’m now on the other side of grief, that doesn’t mean that the healing stops. I think the healing always continues with grief, because the grief always continues after you’ve lost a loved one such as a parent.

There can be small healings in the small perfect moments of life. The moments in Between The Raindrops and the heartbeats. The moments where you catch your breath, or smile at a memory. The moments that keep you thankful for the life you have in that moment. Those are the small healings, and they are going to have a huge effect.

Because just like anything in life it’s the small things that add up after a while. So I look forward to many small moments of healing. Moments with a smile, or a breath, or gasp. Moments, small, almost too small for the naked eye to detect, yet big enough for the heart and soul to feel. Small moments that craft the healing of life, and facilitate the strengthening of the cracks.

The places were love and light seep in from up above, to the deep inside.

That is what I seek, in the daily life I live. And isn’t that theu way it is supposed to be? As we move doreard, we gain momentum and strength. We garner a new appreciation of all that is around us, just as they would want.

And so let those little moments pour into my soul and fill me with the love that is all around, so that joy bubbles up from the bottom of my feet and spills out from the corners of my mouth.

Sitcom Moment #596: Giving a Cat Medicine

The attitude of cats is legendary. They are calm, cool,  collected and could care less.  Mine are also very affectionate, rubbing up against you to get some pets, or meowing and getting your attention to get some love in return.  But try to give them medicine and they suturn into little furry monsters.

One of my cats has a cold, brought on by a bad reaction to vaccines.  I took him to the vet and they gave me liquid antibiotics to give him.  Cats take liquid better than pills, they said. Great.  So this morning the battle began…

I knew I was going to have to outsmart him, so I mixed the liquid medicine in some milk.  He sniffed it, looked up at me and walked away.  OK, next try.  I then put the medicine in his favorite yummy soft food, that he scarfs down and doesn’t even chew.  Again, he sniffed it, looked at me (and I swear I heard a laugh) then turned and walked away.

Third and final try is to get the dropper and squirt it down his throat. But he knows what is going on.  He takes off through the house, running around furniture, food dishes, water bowls and under tables. So I am now chasing this cute fuzzy creature around the house, bent over holding the dropper full of expensive medicine, dodging things so I do not stub my toe while trying not to fell, trip or spill anything. And me softly cooing “here baby, come on baby,” doesn’t convince him at all. He stops momentarily, looks back at me, sees that I am hot on his trail and takes off again.

I finally catch him and pet him a bit to reassure us both. I then assume the position, dropper in hand. I hold him down, squirt the from the medicine from the dropper down his throat, gently hold his mouth closed until he swallows.  I then gently pet him to reassure him again, telling him what a good kitty is.  All is well and objective has been accomplished.

This normally adorable and affectionate cat stood there glaring at me, as only a cat can do, as if he was silently saying that he is indeed planning my demise as I sleep.  He then opened his mouth and spit out what I can only assume was the entire dropper of medicine – all over my clothes and face. We looked at each other for a brief moment, as he seemed to smile, very pleased at his revolt.

“You bitch,” I softly whispered to my male cat.

I then went to change clothes again before going into work.  Cat – 1, Ada – 0

I can hear you laughing…