A year ago, my father started having major cognitive issues because his kidneys and liver were failing. And even though he was taking his medicine as prescribed (we thought he wasn’t), the amonia was building up in his brain and effecting his memory, coordination, just everything.
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It was incredibly difficult to watch. It started on this date, and by the time a week passed, he could not even remember my mother’s name.
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I am not sure which was worse, my 30th birthday, or my birthday last year when Dad could barely get dressed, walk or speak and make any sense. Since then there has been so much loss. It has been so hard, many tears. I always knew I could get through it, but I didn’t know how or when. There were times I sobbed in the shower, or on the floor of the closet, because my legs gave out and I couldn’t do anything but sob. And pray.
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I prayed and prayed and prayed. And somehow, I made it. And a year later, here I am, standing pretty. Since then there have been lifetimes. I leaned on my friends, I found my roots again. I have dealt with and handled ridiculous family drama, reconnecting and rebuilding family relationships, a difficult move, real estate issues, and ridiculous ex issues. I have found my way from being lost and feeling alone. But slowly, with millions of baby steps, I am on the other side.
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I have a great life now, but I have worked hard and fought tooth and nail for it. There is making my wonderful house a home, a new job and contracts, a wonderful man, and every day I am thankful for this life. Those who have felt the deepest sorrow can also appreciate the smallest moments. When you have had your heart broken on such a level, and you come out of the other side, you see everything much deeper. You feel life with every fiber of your being.
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Isn’t that what life is supposed to be…loving until there is nothing left, then letting God rebuild you? Having faith and holding on. Looking back on those millions of baby steps, I am proud of the path I have gone down. I am strong, I am good, talented and I have earned this happiness, paid for it in full. And God willing, it will continue.
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I am hopeful for the future, excited even. So many good and wonderful things coming down the line. I am back, better and stronger than ever.
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I have seen the darkest hours, felt the deepest sorrow, been to the coldest places. I have felt too much anger, been through too much loss, confusion, depression, and fear. I have felt like I was drowning, falling, losing and couldn’t breathe. I have prayed for strength, compassion, Grace, wisdom, patience, and forgiveness. I have yelled, screamed, sobbed, run away, punched, and collapsed from exhaustion, nothing but my will and faith on which to grasp. I have traveled millions of baby steps, carried the heaviest loads, felt every heart beat, and left pieces of myself scattered on the dirty sidewalks of life…to be right here, right now.
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