Pat on the Back

A year ago, my father started having major cognitive issues because his kidneys and liver were failing. And even though he was taking his medicine as prescribed (we thought he wasn’t), the amonia was building up in his brain and effecting his memory, coordination, just everything.

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It was incredibly difficult to watch. It started on this date, and by the time a week passed, he could not even remember my mother’s name.

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I am not sure which was worse, my 30th birthday, or my birthday last year when Dad could barely get dressed, walk or speak and make any sense. Since then there has been so much loss. It has been so hard, many tears. I always knew I could get through it, but I didn’t know how or when. There were times I sobbed in the shower, or on the floor of the closet, because my legs gave out and I couldn’t do anything but sob. And pray.

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I prayed and prayed and prayed. And somehow, I made it. And a year later, here I am, standing pretty. Since then there have been lifetimes. I leaned on my friends, I found my roots again. I have dealt with and handled ridiculous family drama, reconnecting and rebuilding family relationships, a difficult move, real estate issues, and ridiculous ex issues. I have found my way from being lost and feeling alone. But slowly, with millions of baby steps, I am on the other side.

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I have a great life now, but I have worked hard and fought tooth and nail for it. There is making my wonderful house a home, a new job and contracts, a wonderful man, and every day I am thankful for this life. Those who have felt the deepest sorrow can also appreciate the smallest moments. When you have had your heart broken on such a level, and you come out of the other side, you see everything much deeper. You feel life with every fiber of your being.

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Isn’t that what life is supposed to be…loving until there is nothing left, then letting God rebuild you? Having faith and holding on. Looking back on those millions of baby steps, I am proud of the path I have gone down. I am strong, I am good, talented and I have earned this happiness, paid for it in full. And God willing, it will continue.

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I am hopeful for the future, excited even.  So many good and wonderful things coming down the line.  I am back, better and stronger than ever.

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I have seen the darkest hours, felt the deepest sorrow, been to the coldest places. I have felt too much anger, been through too much loss, confusion, depression, and fear. I have felt like I was drowning, falling, losing and couldn’t breathe. I have prayed for strength, compassion, Grace, wisdom, patience, and forgiveness. I have yelled, screamed, sobbed, run away, punched, and collapsed from exhaustion, nothing but my will and faith on which to grasp. I have traveled millions of baby steps, carried the heaviest loads, felt every heart beat, and left pieces of myself scattered on the dirty sidewalks of life…to be right here, right now.

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The Good Man

In my research today I came across a YouTube profile that was shocking and horrible.  Some pore sap has been watching and favoriting videos about how to possess a woman, and get her to fall in love with you, make her your emotional slave by manipulating her, How to take control of your woman, control her mind  and use your social power to seduce her. And you do this – one video said – by making her feel special then by making her feel sad and rejected. That this will make her love you and you will possess her.

Is this really what we are teaching men boys these days?

Wow.  I think we all can say a collective wtf?  One video said that the only people who reject these ideas are feminist and “pussy whipped” men. I am neither and I was shocked that this is how some are being told to treat  others, anyone, whether man or woman.

To me, these things are scary, shocking and emotionally abusive.  And not just for women either. If done to a man they are just as horrible. Because if you truly love someone, the last thing you want to do it is control them, manipulate them or possess them.  It doesn’t matter if a man does it to a women or a woman does it to a man, it is not only wrong, but abusive and damaging. It further perpetuates the stereotypes that men are assholes and women are bitches.

And honestly, no one has time for that, at least emotionally healthy and mature people don’t.

It is as simple as the law of attraction, if you use these techniques when dating – it doesn’t matter of you are a man or woman – then you will only attract trash.  If you use manipulation to attract someone into staying in your life, then you will in turn be manipulated by whomever you have.  You get what you give in the world, it all comes back, full circle.

It is also men who believe manipulation and control are how you get what you want from a woman…who perpetuate the Harvey Weinstein’s, the Bill Cosby’s, and the Brock Turner’s, of the world and who are the reason why so many women participated the #metoo  and the #timesup movement.

Men need to be taught better than so they can do better and be better.  Only then will it be a better world for our daughters. What is described in the videos is called love bombing and is extremely emotionally abusive – so much so that it is often associated with psychopaths and sociopaths. And for those men who listen to advice like the videos on that profile…times up.

Love is based on trust, values, respect and honesty.  Love is based on being authentic. And falling in love is one of the most amazing, beautiful and wonderful processes in this world.

Love comes from God. It is not manipulative, or hurtful or unkind.  Love feels good, in all of it’s stages.

Seeing that profile made me incredibly thankful for the man I have in my life now.  It made me thankful that my parents taught me what real love looks like, and it made me thankful that I am not as bitter, angry or damaged as the person who owned that profile. It made me thankful that even after all of my struggles, I can still recognize a wonderful, genuine, good man.

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EDIT: I don’t put much stock in Hollywood, but this is a great inspiring speech. I really love how the #metoo and #timesup movement are taking boys to task and and demanding better from men.