Waiting in the Ready

I have recently been asked how you know that you are ready for a serious relationship?  When you have been through so much and have had to rebuild yourself, taking time to just focus in on yourself, how do you know when you are ready? My answer was and is follows:

I have been through a lot, a lot of pain a lot of loss. But I’ve also been through all of that alone, something I don’t want anymore. The work that I had to do on myself was necessary to heal so that I could be a whole person when I offered myself and my heart to someone else. I don’t believe in half-assing it, or only being a broken version of yourself. You need to be whole. And I don’t just want to be in a relationship because I don’t want to be alone. I’m fine alone, I do alone very well. So I don’t need to be in a relationship, but I want to be. Because I want to enjoy life with another person, I want to build something larger than myself, I want to see the world with someone else. I’ve served my family well, I took care of my parents to the very end. And now I want to take care of my partner, and have them take care of me. I’ve given myself the lives of others, and it’s time that I give myself to building my life with another person, so that we can build our lives.

The fact is that after a hard emotional experience, including the end of a long term relationship and you have to take time to heal. If you don’t you be toxic for anyone who is around you because will bring your issues into the next relationship. And that is not fair to the other person

No one signs up to be a rebound relationship, so why put someone else through it? It is not kind. You will also attract the wrong kind of partner and be willing to accept mistreatment if you are not healed first. That is because many times our self-esteem takes a hit after the demise of a relationship.

When our self-esteem is low, we end up making decisions out of fear, not love – fear of being alone, fear of being hurt, fear of being abandoned. Decisions made out of fear are never the right ones and will usually end in disaster.

In this day and age, it seems like many ex couples are almost in a race to see who can get the best, hottest replacement the fastest. Don’t do it.  Sit a few dances out if you must, but make sure that you are healthy before getting back in the game. The one who gets another the fastest often is the one who ends up in an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship that is harmful to all involved.  It solves nothing but rather perpetuates the issues of both individuals in the new relationship. And relationships are hard enough without dooming them to failure.

My most recent ex rushed out and now has a 19 year old; he is 50. A 50 year old essentially dating a child and taking advantage of her issues for his own nefarious benefit is not healthy nor does it show any honor. Don’t be like him. Take time to heal; spend time alone and get to know yourself, go to therapy, get a hobby, do whatever you need to do to make sure that you are emotionally stable enough to benefit another human being.

Healing is hard work though, because you must not only face, but conquer your demons. You must take an honest look at yourself in the mirror and take stock of what you do and don’t see.  You work on yourself and your shortcomings.  That takes courage. It also takes patience.

So how do I know that I am ready and that I am whole? I guess when you are ready, you feel it. And I feel good. I feel happy and excited about the future again. I do not feel like I need someone around, but I do want to enjoy life with another. There is nothing to prove to anyone. I am not worried about who is or is not impressed. There is not rush either. I have faith in the process that slow and steady is the best way, and I have faith in God that what is meant to be will be. I want love, I want to give love, and I want to build a life with a partner. I am not perfect, but flawed and complicated. And that is OK. No one is perfect, so maybe the key is to make sure that you are whole, as imperfect as you are, and find a whole person whose imperfections compliment your own. Then be honest and enjoy the adventure with an open heart and sound mind. So hang on, because this promises to be quite a ride.

Helping Others to Success

They say that one of the best ways to help yourself is to help another person.  This is very true and I am seeing that again from personal experience. I am helping my nephew with goal setting and how to make those goals into reality. This has made me realize how lazy I have been with my own goals, or maybe just very busy with other things in life. But now it is time to refocus and start back.  In a way, my nephew nd I are going through a similar phase – new beginnings, trying new things and accomplishing our dreams.  We are both starting over, if you will.

But how do you even start?  I don’t know what works for everyone, but I do know what has worked for me.

Have pride:  First you must have pride in yourself, in your dreams and in your abilities.  You must look around at where you are and have enough pride in yourself as a person that you want better than what you have right now.  Pride gets a bad rap, but it is what will help motivate us to rise and do better, be better and want better.  Without that level of pride, we just slump on the couch and accept whatever is given to us in life.  That is being too passive.  No one accomplished anything great by just accepting.  You accomplish great things by knowing that you were destined for more and better, that where you start has no bearing on where you end up.

Take an active role: This goes along with the above. You must take an active role in your life.  If you don’t care enough to be active in your life, no one else will either Don’t; just sit back and take it. Stand up and make it happen for yourself.  Make opportunities, seek them out, take them when they come.  Once you make your wishes known, the Universe will start lining things up for you.. And opportunities beget other opportunities.

Do at least one thing:  This combines two theories of mine into one.  First is an Elanor Roosevelt Quote: Do one thing every day that scares you. And the other theory which is do for yourself first when you are attaining your dreams.  For instance. While my nephew is with me, I have asked him to do things around the house to help put.  But before that, he should research schools, their admission requirements and places that are hiring.  He should do these things for himself first. And the older you get the harder it is to do for yourself first. But the people who love you will understand and will be there for you to help and cheer you on.

Get rid of the dead weight: We have all had those people in our lives who suck all our energy away and into their drama and problems. Don’t get sucked in. It is easy to let these people get us sidetracked with their drama, conflict and useless tale chasing.  While everyone has a messy life every now and then those who are constantly going through drama and conflict need to be cut.  If those people stay in your life. Then days, weeks, month, or even years in some cases, can slip away before you know it and you have not accomplished any of your goals and dreams.

Have a ridiculous work ethic:  Too make it, you must first make up your mind as to what you want, then you must be willing to work harder than you have ever worked in your life to make it happen.  You must believe it with such passion that it has no choice but to happen. Visualize your success, make a goal board, do whatever you must do to stay motivated to work toward what you want.

And pray:  For me, because I am both spiritual and religious, this is actually one of the most important things. I pray for guidance and wisdom in my choices. I pray for opportunities and patience in waiting.  I pray for a lot of things. For me, my faith is an integral part of success and accomplishing my dreams.

Never listen to the odds:  The odds don’t matter. I have never thought about the odds, because in my mind, they do not apply to me.  I will simply keep going until I either succeed or possibly change my mind.  I know, you are not supposed to change your mind, but sometimes it does happen.  When I was growing up, I was going to be an academy award winning actress.  Now, that still may happen, but I became a writer instead, because as I grew my dreams changed. Even then the “odds” were not in my favor, if I ever stopped to pay attention to them.  But here I am, writing away and being happy.

There are thousands of books written on the topic. But helping my nephew has motivated me.  After such a tumultuous period, it is time to get back to living, loving, taking risks and building the life of my dreams. The best way to help yourself, is by helping others.  You learn about that person, about yourself, about the process and you build up some good karma.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

It is always good to have dreams and goals. it is always good to strive, every day, to be better than you were the before.  Because life is always about the journey, and we must never stop being curious.

But in all the searching, goal setting and striving, we must also not forget to be satisfied. We must not forget to be present and enjoy where we are currently.

I wrote about being sick of the city and the rat race, and I am. However, I still love the house I just moved into and will be happy here, until the tie is right to move again, whenever that might be.  I love making this new house a home.  I love having people over to help make memories.  Where ever I go,I want my home to be filled with love and friends and laughter and good times.  I want people to walk into my home and feel welcome. Because they are.

But you cannot make others feel welcome if you are constantly fixated on the future, or what you do not have.  And if you focus on everything that you don;t have, you will never be present and never will you be satisfied.

In that sense, satisfaction is a decision.  Yes we have all seen the memes about happy people don’t have everything they want, nut the do want and appreciate every thing that they have.  And even Einstein talked about being quietly satisfied leads to much more happiness than constant restlessness and always looking for better.

And I like my little life.  While I do strive to be better, I stop and notice and am present in where I am now.  And you must do that in order to be happy.  Being happy in the present in the reward for all the hard work done in the past.  If you do not take the time to enjoy what you have now then all that work was in vain. That is the thing about life, eventually it all evens out, but you must have the attitude for it first.  You must decide to be present to fully enjoy where you are at any given moment.

I like my job, love my career, I am even satisfied with my personal life.  I say that because you have to have a sense of yourself, of liking who you are and where you are if you are going to be good for anyone else. I took time to heal after all the loss, because I wanted to be a whole person when I offered to date again and give my heart away. This took time, and again being very present in the moment.

So maybe the secret to satisfaction is just being present, while still having goals and striving to be better every day. Maybe it is soaking up every little drop and moment life has to offer, like a sponge.  Live passionately by choosing to love your life now.  Even if there are things to change, or work that needs to be done..  That is OK, that does not mean we cannot enjoy what is now.

And this is where I am.  In this little home in East Cobb, with my little life, working my job and my career, making a home that is warm and welcoming and building love.  Where ever that leads.  I am happy and satisfied. Is life perfect? Not by a long shot. Do I still have a lot for work to do?  Absolutely.  But that is what life is all about. And I am in. All the way.

The Calling of the Country

As humans, we are all multi-faceted and have layers.  All of us have different sides that change depending upon the situation or lighting.  While the core of us may stay the same, there are always surprising new things to learn about someone.

Many assume that because I have lived in New York, and Atlanta for many years, that I am a city dweller.  That the concrete streets and sounds of people and movement signal that I am at home.  Many are surprised to find that I am, very much, a country girl.

I grew up in the country, wild and free. As  child I ran as far as I could go, until I was so tired that I could not go any more. And still there were miles of wilderness to explore. The only rule was to be home by lunch or before dark.  There was no worry about crime, or kidnapping or any kind of danger.  Well, other than snakes or alligators, but they were easy enough to avoid.  I climbed trees, played in streams, jumped in the a=water and went where I wanted.  It was all safe.

I chased fireflies at night and feel asleep to the sound of frogs, crickets and cicadas.  I was free.  And it was wonderful.  We had goats and chickens and geese and dogs and cats and ducks, and everything but horses. And we took care of them every morning before school and every evening before dinner.

I would not trade my childhood for anything. Yes there are many opportunities in the city for jobs and houses and theater and many interesting things.  But the country feeds my soul. The sound of the woods, the sight of the trees, taking care of animals.  I love it all.  And one day, I will leave the city and return to the country.  It is calling.

I am tired of the hurry of the city. And that is the thing about writing. I can go where I want to go and still write.  Oh, the temptations of where whisper to me at night. And I answer in my dreams, planning now to turn into reality.  It is the calling of the country.

October Magic

It happens to me every October. I fall in love.  With the weather,with the temperatures, with the festivals, with the pumpkins, the sweaters I pull out that have been hidden since last winter,  with the  crisp, fresh air, with snuggling but he fireplace and with the possibilities.

The fact is that Fall is fun, it is magic, it is delicious.  It is when the blankets come out and the fuzzy warm socks are put on.  I love this time of year. It is when I feel the best and coziest. I love having company over in the fall, I love the cold morning and cool afternoons.

And this year, this fall, is full of promise. It is full of possibilities. As I plan and work to make the rest of the year the great and next year spectacular.  Fall just feels good. And so I enjoy the magic…

Regrettable Regrets

Regret is defined as feeling sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity). Tonight someone told me one of their biggest regrets. One day I hope to hear the story of that regret, but it made me think of my own life.

I have long said that I regret nothing, bu that is not rue.  It is simply rationalization that what has happened in my life, whatever I have done and said, whatever the consequences were or lost opportunities have been, they made me into who I am today.  I am complicated and flawed, but I still like how I am, so to change anything in the past, would be to change who I am presently.  And I would never want to do that.

Are there things that I would do differently if I had the chance? Absolutely.  But that is not the same as regret. If I knew then what I know now…I would hug my mother a lot longer than I did that last time.  And I would give her a glass of wine, take her outside and ask her those questions I wish I knew the answers to now.  I would hug my Father so tight, and would not have rested that Sunday, I would have gotten up early and spent that last day with him. Because I did not know that it would be the last day. And I would tell them both that I love them, just one more time. Outside of those things with my parents, I can;t think of anything I would change really.

Then why do we regret?  I don’t know.  Maybe it is the every human trait of running all the what-ifs through our head.  But would things have turned out any better if we had done things differently? We often assume that missed opportunities would have led to a better place, but would they have really?  We never think that maybe if we had gone out with that other person, or made a different decision, or taken that job, or whatever, that maybe things would have turned out worse.

Life takes us on a series of unexpected twists and turns. I have learned that life rarely turns out the way any of us thought, much less planned. And that’s OK.  Think of all the adventures we would miss if everything went the way we thought is was supposed to.  We might have fewer regrets, but we would also not have the life we do not, or be the people we are.

Mostly, I like my life and even the bad spots have made me into a better person. The key is to realize that things happen for a reason and have faith in that process.  I am whoever I am supposed to be, right at this moment.  I am were I am supposed to be, right at this moment. Those bad times –  the mistakes, the missteps, mishaps and failures have all taught me important lessons.  They have all been a part of a life well lived and well loved.

Truth be told, I am a risk taker, and there are few times when I have not taken the risk.  And I have never regretted the risks I have taken, even when they were mistakes.  But if the mistakes you have made turned you into the person you are now, can they really be mistakes? Maybe not.

So live more and regret less.  Life is short, take the risk. Make the call, take the job, travel to that place, do what it is that you really want to do. We must know that in our hearts, we did the best we could with what we knew or what we had. And most importantly, we must forgive ourselves to let go of the regrets.

Family Grounding

No matter what happens in our life, we always return to what we know, what is in our bones. And family is in our bones.

“Peace is the beauty of life. It is sunshine. It is the smile of a child, the love of a mother, the joy of a father, the togetherness of a family. It is the advancement of man, the victory of a just cause, the triumph of truth.”  – Menachem Begin

I have recently written a lot about family, and escaping, so to speak, all the responsibilities that I have inherited.  Taking a break is, more than anything, about taking care of yourself.  Everyone needs a break at some point, we all need downtime, rest, to unplug and get out minds off everything that is stressful.

But at the end of the day, we always return to what we know.  And family is what we know.

And this weekend was very much centered around family, my nephew in particular.  He has come up to Atlanta to go to college, and it adjusting to life and everything that is such a large area.  But all work and no play is not good for anyone.  So it was off to pick pumpkins at one of my favorite places: Burt’s Pumpkin Patch.  At first it may seem a little corny but it is indeed quite an adventure.

First the is the 1+ drive of talking and listening to music.  Then there is getting there and seeing every kind of pumpkin and gourd imageable. Until I went there, I had no idea there were so many, of so many different colors and sizes and shapes.  And there are hundreds.

And then it was off to Merciers Bakery, where they have every kind of friend pie deliciousness imaginable. We had to stock up on them. Next was a burger and beer at a local tavern.  I Truly do not know who had the best time of the two of us.  It is magic to watch someone see and experience things for the first time.  It is fun to see their eyes light up when they discover the fun of something they never knew existed.

No matter what is going on in life, family always seems to keep  me grounded, reminding me of what is truly important. Family is the cornerstone of the foundation of life.  And no matter how far I go in my travels and adventures, certainly family will never be so far away that they can not be found.

The Rex Factor

I remember a conversation I had with one of my best friends.  As we talked about life, love and the pursuit of happiness as we often did, he mentioned to me that people handle life is a myriad of different ways.  He and I are the kinds of people who cannot sit still when we are figuring things out.  We must go, explore, be active.  That does not mean that we are not grounded, quite the contrary, we very much are.  We know from where our roots grow and are nourished. It just means that sitting at home being a hermit is not for us. At least not at this particular time.

And as I make my holidays plans I am reminded of our conversation and of our friendship.  His name was Rex, and he was my mentor.  He was my first boss in radio, and we just clicked upon first meeting each other.  Never anything romantic, but fast friends and confidants.  As he was my mentor, I was his confessor.  He knew and understood me in a way that few have, and we would talk about random topics and theories of his into the wee hours of the night.

My friend passed away a few years ago and I miss him very much.  I could use his wisdom and point of view on life right now, on how to navigate the chapter, on how to motivate, encourage and inspire others. On how to be a leader – he was one of the best leaders I have ever met.

And no doubt he would understand my reasoning for traveling during the holidays, my need to be free for a while, and the desire for breath.  The need for fresh air in life and hopping on the back of a bike.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Country

As my nephew and I were driving to the mountains in search of the perfect pumpkin, I spotted my ex driving in the opposite direction with his latest Tinder floozy. And something very unexpected happened:  Nothing.  I felt nothing.  No anger, no sadness, no resentment, no hurt or pain, just…nothing.

It is often thought that the opposite of love is hate, but I disagree.  I think the opposite of love is total indifference.  And finally, I am there.  And that realization made me smile.

To be honest, I dreaded the first “sighting”, because I knew it would happen at some point. And then it did. And it was extremely anticlimactic –  I just did not care.

In life there are some milestones that we celebrate, even ever so quietly.  And when you realize that you have moved past a time or event or relationship that was very hurtful, it is one of those times. I am free from all which was holding me down and back from that situation.

And so I celebrate this small milestone.  And I enjoy the life that is to come.

The Flurry

Life is cyclical. We all know this and yet sometimes we forget.  Our lives are constantly changing and evolving.  One cycle it will be crazy busy, another will be slow, one will be filled will projects, travel, love, or whatever.  The next might be the opposite.

It seems my life is currently in a flurry stage – where there is a flurry of activities, planning, working and a  lot of creativity.  Lately I have had a surge of energy, getting everything ready and set not only for the holidays but for the next year.  There is unpacking and settling into the new place, there is getting travel arrangements set for the holidays, there is making sure all the writing projects that I take on can be done before the end of the year.

And to be quite honest, I am looking for ward to the end of this year.  This year, 2017, has been hellacious.  It has been long, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, exhausting year.  And I know that just as life is a cycle, 2018 will be a great year.  I have spent this year grieving and rebuilding, figuring out my next move, next contract, next everything so that 2018 will be smooth and lovely.

And finally, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and am ready.  That is where the burst of energy and creativity is coming.  Just like a runner who gives the winning burst of energy right at the finish line, I am there.

And I know the decisions I am making now are good ones, even though I am running and warp speed.  When it is the right, it will give you peace.  You conscience will be clear.  And I pray, so much, and listen to God’s voice, listen in the quiet hours of the night as I look inward for direction.

And as the end of this cycle and the beginning of the next, I will probably not want to leave the house.  I will be ready to rest, in warm slippers and blankets. With hot chocolate and a good book.

But for now it is the flurry, making sure the road is good and clear for everything in the future.  Life is what you make it.  And I will make mine spectacular.

My Holiday Promise – To Myself

I have been the responsible one for a while now.  I took care of both of my parents as they died, took care of all arrangements and have taken care of everything since then too.  I am tired.  So this holiday season…I have made a promise to myself: I will only have fun. No responsibility.

When faced with the choice of staying at home, trying to hash through all of the family holiday stuff, and moping, constantly being reminded of the what I have lost, or getting out of town and having fun, seeing old friends and meeting new ones…I choose the latter.  Maybe next year I will be different, but this year I am not moping.  So I shall celebrate that I am alive, and here, and want to have fun.

I have had enough of the doom and gloom. I have had enough of doing everything myself, had enough of being responsible and taking care of others.  This year I do what I want. And I want, I need, a break.  I need to live life for myself, I need to be selfish and say that everyone else will just have to figure it out for themselves.

Thanksgiving will be spent in Texas seeing friends.  I have never been to the fine state, but have been given tips on what to see.  I cannot wait.  It will be good to just BE. New Years Eve will be in New Orleans. I was there for New Years a few years ago and had a wonderful time.  I have many friends there and, though my preference is to have hot, passionate sex on New years Eve (did I just type that out loud?), if that is not possible, I might as well party with my friends in the Big Easy.

I am not sure about Christmas yet, as that is the tough one.  Where ever I am it will be good. And there will be love.

And so I promise myself to just BE this holiday season.  To let life happen and enjoy  it. And if you are reading this and would like to join me, hop in the car, there is always room for more. That is the thing about life, there is always room for more if it. So join me, won’t you?

Cowboy take me away

This weary soul needs a break

This forever holiday

I am not sure how much more it can take

 

So let me be free

let me scream with delight

all this wonder let me see

The season by the starlight

 

Let me wilt and cry all the tears

Let me separate from the sorrow

Feel what I have missed these years

It’s just your arms I may barrow

 

Let me be vulnerable and let go

Let me enjoy NO responsibilities

of the sadness of the last days

only want the possibilities

 

I want to need without shame

Let me be weak so I can be strong

I need to feel  like it won’t be the smae

Replace grief with joy and song

 

Oh let me see over the horizon

From wanderlust to sunset

I need you see, I am no island

Take me away so I can forget

 

Let me snuggle under the blanket

of your friendship and care

Laughter, smile, and good times

Memories and stories to share

 

Yes, cowboy take me away

As I shed this life, this skin

I am free of it all, starting today’

I know now that I can win

 

The Feast of Fall

It starts about this time every year.  It is a restlessness for the Fall.  Winter is a time of hibernation for me – long cold days wrapped up in a blanket by a fire. So the fall is a time to get out and enjoy life before the winter sets in.  I start wanting to go, to see, to travel.  I start getting restless for all the things that I want to do before the cold sets in.

Because Fall is wrapping up the year, it is crisp mornings and cool evenings.  It is wine and conversations, it is the start of new friendships and adventures.  It is a cabin in the mountains, wine tastings, good hikes and fresh air.  It is laughter and pumpkins and festivals and snuggling on the couch. October is wonderful.  It is one of my favorite times of the year as it is the in-between.

And maybe that is why I feel restless, because it is the in between the lines of life.  After the summer but before the holidays. And I find myself in between as well.  Past all the rough, but before all the amazing.  It is a time of set up….Where I am ready but God and the Universe are setting everything up for forward movement.  And I get impatient.  When I decide I want something, I want it then, I do not like to have to wait.  Sometimes patience is not my best virtue.  Maybe it is a byproduct of being a passionate red head.

For me, I want to explore, to adventure, to climb, to go, to kiss, to see, to eat, drink and be marry.  I want to experience life again, with a whole heart, open eyes and big smile.

For now I just enjoy this time, when I put another blanket on the bed and sleep under it’s wonderful weight.  When I set up the fireplace, and prepare for the feast that is coming into my life.  I know that it will be delicious. The hardest part is finding which direction I should go.  Which direction is love, happiness and Peace?  I have found it within, now I do not want to go without in the world.

And so pour some wine, talk to friends and remember to be present in this moment, right here in front of me.  Because I do not want to miss any amazing moments now because I am looking ahead.  And that is where the balance lies.  This is something on which I am working. I tend to get so busy working on the further that I forget to relax in the now.

So maybe this restless in between time is for me to slow down, relax, take a breath and enjoy the hard work which I have done.  I have climbed quite a long way up from where I found myself just months ago.  And now I breath, before taking risks and throwing myself completely into life.  Join me in the adventure.  But hang on tight, because it is going to be quite a ride.  But then again, Life always is.

Authenticity

Merriam-Webster defines authenticity as real or genuine, not copied or false, true and accurate And this is one of the many things for which I am thankful. In life we hear the term “authentic” thrown around a lot.  But even with the definition, what exactly does it mean in life?

To me it applies to the kind of people I have in my life and how I want to be myself and with others.  It means that nothing and no one in my life is fake. No one is pretending.  The older I get the more important this is for me.  When I was younger, I am not sure if I didn’t notice it is as much or if it has just gotten worse and more widespread with social media.  Indeed, it is easier now than ever to pretend to be something you are not.

If you are depressed, you can slap a few pictures up on Facebook and voila!  You and happy and life is perfect.  Put a filter on a selfie, and suddenly you look better than you do even on your best days.  I refuse to use filters. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very vain woman, and I am acutely aware of my flaws.  But to cover them up completely and make myself unrecognizable for the sport of it.  No thanks.  Our flaws are what make us our most beautiful and out most human.

Truth be told, I want people who flawed in my life.  I want the authenticity of imperfection, of vulnerability. Why? Because I am light years away from being perfect.  I am clumsy and can fall, trip, stumble, fumble or spill at the drop of a hat.  Most of the time it is funny, sometimes embarrassing and most of the time needs up in laughter.  Well, at least it is not boring.  I love when someone is authentic and imperfect around me.  When they are vulnerable and admit some silly thing about themselves.  IT makes them relatable and human.  Because we are all acutely aware of our flaws.  And it is nice to not have to hide them for acceptance.

I want to know when the people in my life and having a hard day, or are lonely, or are scared or are depressed and why.  I want to know when they are sleepy and what kept them up?  Was it a hot night?  Or was is worry?  Because we are all in this together, so I want to celebrate the good and be there in the bad. That is what makes life, life. And that is what keeps it from getting so lonely.

I have also long said that those who are fake will hurt you more than those who are authentic.  Why?  Nothing is wrong with sparing someone’s feelings, but to lie about intentions, motives, outcomes, or facts?  Who has time that?  It causes more drama than it is worth.  People who live like that are manipulative and usually have their own agenda.  My agenda?  TO be the best person I can be today, hopefully better than yesterday and to be kind to my fellow humans.  There are a few other things, like win an Oscar, travel the world, etc. but you get the picture.

Don’t hide that from me, your authenticity and vulnerability.  Let’s laugh, cry, win and lose together.  Because we are all broken in our own beautiful and magnificent ways. Our imperfections and cracks are where the light comes in and shines to highlight our many facets…throwing off brilliant colors of light.  We are the prisms of life. So, let’s shine authentically, beautifully, brilliantly, and let our imperfections be the beacon of others who are trying to be authentic too.

Everyday Joy

I have a theory about life. (I have several theories, but those for another time.)  One of my theories is that you must enjoy the small every day moments.  I thought this long before The Secret came into fashion.  The reason behind my theory is simple: The big moments in life don’t happen very often.  We don’t have life changing events every day.  So in between, you must find the beauty in the ordinary, the perfection in the routine and love in the mundane.

To do this you must have a love for life in general, and you must be present. That means putting the phone down and participating in the conversations, noticing the people and things around you.  It means taking the time to appreciate what is in front of you.

While it would be great if wonderful, amazing, life changing things happens every day, but the fact of the matter is that they don’t. Or would it be great?  I don’t think it would actually. Because at some point, we need the dust to settle, even after those wonderful moments and events.  Because life is truly found in the quiet everyday moments.

We must get into the habit of falling in love with life every day.  And that does take effort, at least at first until it becomes a habit. A habit to take a moment and look around, enjoy a beautiful day, or your favorite song on the radio, or a good meal or glass of wine.  A perfect sunset, or crawling in the bed with clean sheets after a long hot shower.  It could be as simple as a phone call and good conversation with a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Or seeing some pretty flowers by the roadside.  Magic can be found all around us, in those quiet every day moments.

And when you notice the little things, something else starts to happen – they start to build up.  And soon you notice even more little things.  It may sound simple. And it is.  But there is a saying about the best hiding place being in plain sight.  That is because what is in plain sight is often over looked.  Think of all that we miss when we only look in the distance, or look in complicated places.

“That which you seek is also seeking you.” – Rumi

Part of moving forward for me is getting back in the habit of seeing that everyday joy.  Of purposefully and internationally seeking it.  And it will be there, to meet me. I am the happiest when giving of myself to others, and while that is being set up by God and the Universe, I will see the miracles in everyday life.  That will keep me happy, focused and striving to be better every day.  It helps feed my wanderlust for life and appetite for curiosity.  Seeking the everyday joy feeds my sold and makes me smile.

Thankful: I Got This

When we go through a particularly difficult time, re entering life as “normal” may e quite overwhelming.  And does normal even exist anyway? The point is that getting back to whatever normal is, may take a little bit of time.  It can fell like learning to walk again.  First you don’t even know if you can do it, then you try and it is awkward and painful, you are clumsy.  Then slowly, with practice and effort, you are almost ready to take a few steps. And slowly, with even more effort, blood, sweat and tears, with heartbeat after heartbeat and so much effort that you doubt if you will ever make it, you take your first step.

Then another, then another, and then another.

And isn’t that just how it is in life?  Just when you think that you can’t do it, you find out that indeed you can.

It seems like forever since I have felt like I have been in a rhythm and a groove in life.  And now, finally I can say, I got this. There is joy, there is excitement, there is a renewed optimism for the future.

I was walking downstairs yesterday after a restful day and a very good weekend.  And I had the Ah-ha Moment. “I got this,” I thought.  No matter what is going on, I’ve actually got this. I can do this. This after months of healing and processing.  I am finally here.

I have no idea what is going to happen.  The saying goes that man plans and God laughs. But with prayer and meditation, I plan to follow the path God has for me.  I plan to follow love, and joy and adventure.  I plan to build a wonderful life.

There will still be bad days. as there always are, but I know that it is just a temporary bump in the road.

But no matter how optimistic we are, there will always be things that need improvement, things that we need to work on.  I need to get the house unpacked.  And my office must be organized.  And it is very obvious that I am rusty when it comes to dating. The good thing about that one is that practice makes perfect. And I know the kind of man I want. Because I am ready for kisses and conversations, and smiles and arms around me. But whoever is interested in me is going to have to make it quite obvious, or may completely miss the signs.

And there is working out and staying active. Feeling better about life means having more energy for taking care of myself. It is time to hike again, run again, and actually use that gym membership.  I have boxing gloves that have not been used in quite a while (of course I have to find which box they are in). And free weights that will tone my arms and back.  It is time for the toned curves to begin.

It is time for a good fire and the crackle of the logs.  It is time for long talks and laughter and making memories in this new house that will be a wonderful home.

And it is time for trips. No big trips until next next year, but some short trips for fun and adventure. I am ready to try new things in new paces.

Mostly because, all because, I am ready to be happy.  I don’t want to hold back, on anything. I want to feel the wind in my hair, the warmth of the sun on my skin and the wonder of the rain on my soul. I want to hear happy whispers and taste wanderlust and touch a heart. I am strong, capable, and ready. I have lived through this, I have made it past the fiery pits of Hell, I have climbed back up to the surface, And I will thrive.

They say that we must love until there is nothing left and let God put our broken pieces back together, that He tears us down to rebuild us and make us stronger.  My mother used to tell me that every time we love, and our hearts are broken, that it carves out deep space within us where we can love even deeper the next time. I am ready.

And I know that I’ve got this.

 

A Day of Doing Nothing

I started out feeling ambitious.  I was going to unpack for another day, get more things out of boxes, clean, organize and be very…productive. I was going to check things off of that very long to do list that seems to grow daily.

But sometimes you need to slow down and take a moment, or a day off. I have been so busy and stressed over the last few weeks that I needed to take some time to just enjoy a day.  To relax. to catch up with friends. to have conversations, to watch TV shows, to take  a nap in the middle of the day. Paint my nails.

And that is what I have done today.   Nothing. And it has been wonderful.  And I will continue to enjoy the day.  Oh, I might plant a few flowers or such, but that is the most I will do.

In this day and age of everything bigger, faster, better, we can;t forget to live a little.  We cannot forget that life is more than rushing around, crossing things off the list.  We have to remember to enjoy the days and play as hard as we work…or rest as hard anyway.  relaxing is good for the soul, it replenishes us when we feel burned out, worked up, discouraged or lonely.

And so here I will be, on the couch, in my comfy clothes, relaxing and enjoying the day.  Join me.

Thankful for These Holidays

The holidays can be very hard for those who have lost family and loved ones.  I never really understood that until I lost my parents.  Last year was the first year that I did not go to my parents house for Thanksgiving or Christmas. And it was awful for several reasons.  It was the first holidays without Mom.  Thanksgiving was bearable, as the almost in-laws invited over for a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. They even left a spot for Mom at the table, which was so lovely and thoughtful.

For Christmas, the ex and I had planned to go to his Huge family celebration and get out of the house for his festive family celebration.  Then Dad had a very bad fall and was in rehab almost the entire month and all of Christmas. So the trip had to be cancelled.

Christmas was picking Dad up from the rehab center, having my sister get him that night, and spending Christmas Eve, just the Ex and I, exhausted, emotionally wary and worn out, and just sad.  The next day was going to get Dad, opening all the presents, cooking the Christmas dinner then dropping him off at rehab again.  I am sure it was the worst Christmas for the Ex as well.

New Years Eve…Dad got out of rehab and was still a bit unsteady on his feet.  He was ready to come home, but that also meant us watching over his to make sure that he did not fall.  We could not go out at all since he was so unsteady.  That night was spent at a neighbors house who we hardly knew, making small talk with people -again pretty miserable, especially in deep contrast to the year before when I had had the best NYE ever.

This year, after the loss of both my parents, I am determined to have a better holiday season than last.  It will be better, damnit. But how?  I don’t know exactly yet, but I do know that my attitude will have a lot to do with it.  I am meeting with my grief counselor next week, and we are making out a plan. It may not be the best holiday season, but it will not be the worst, not by a long shot.  And it starts today.

My mother used to remind me that no one has time for a pity party, except for the one throwing it.  She and I both hate people who just sit around moping.  So I am starting the season of Thanks early.  Gratitude is everything, and I will have it in spades this year. I will bring love, thanks and gratitude to me. I will be a magnet for it.

In this spirit, I will give thanks for something every day.  Starting today.  Today I am thankful for this wonderful house that I live in.  It is in a wonderful area called East Cobb where the neighbors are friendly and there are lots of little places to eat and explore and see.  I have many friends in the area and will be seeing them regularly.  The house is just what is needed, big enough for all the stuff, but not too bug to be ridiculous.  It will be happy and full of life and laughter.

There is a beautiful deck and back yard for sitting and having a morning cup of coffee, or outside meals, or grilling with friends.  There are places to plant flowers and little herb gardens in the spring. And plenty of places for my 50+ plants.

It will be a good home, a happy home, a home for me to build a fabulous life, where my dreams will come true.

And today, that is why I am thankful.

 

A walk at Gibbs Gardens

I’ve learned anything it’s that we can never let the chaos and injustice make us so blind with anger that we become part of the problem. Understanding, compassion, kindness and love are the only true revolutionary ideas. When we compromise those we become what we despise. And we lose our Humanity.

There are times when we just need to go someplace quiet and still and really think. There are times one of the best things we can do in order to plan our next move, or what we want our life to be, is to look within ourselves. 

When we find ourselves looking around thinking this isn’t where I’m supposed to be, or asking how did I get here? And trying to figure out how we get from where we are to where we want to be, sometimes we just need some place to think.

I was at Gibbs Gardens today. I went there once last year and I remembered it as being beautiful and quiet and still and lovely and peaceful.  I needed that today. I needed to commune and be quiet with nature. I did not want the normal hike and challenge that I usually do. 

The gardens were almost empty since it’s during the week, but there were a surprising amount of mothers and daughters walking around talking and smiling. It made me miss my own. Because this is the kind of place Mom would love, like some people love museums or aquariums. And in my imagination, I can see us walking around the beautiful gardens while talking about life, and politics, and everything in between, and having many many laughs like we always did before she got sick.

I went to the Japanese Garden with the Japanese maples. All of my life I’ve love Japanese Maples because they seem to be love, just in the shape of a tree. Maybe it’s because I’m seeking love right now in all forms. 

I wanted to come here and be and think and be quiet and still. I see the flowers and the trees and butterflies. Maybe I just needed some time to reflect away from the busy life that has happened so quickly in the last few weeks.

I always get strength and peace from nature and being outside, just like my Mom.  Many people have told me that I am the strongest person that they know, but she was the strongest person I have ever known. She was much stronger than I. But I am my Mother’s daughter, and with God, I can do and overcome anything.

So when you’re coming out of a hard time, and you’re trying to figure out just how to rebuild, how to regain your steps, how to get where it is you want to be, find what inspires you. You pray, you reach deep down inside where the Soul Meets the heart, and the heart beat reaches your mind, and you go even deeper, and you pull yourself up.

When you’ve been through a hard time, and you’re trying hard not to become angry and bitter, or an empty shell of a human being like you seen others become. Go someplace quiet and look Within. Pray. And listen, never soft Whisper of God’s voice.

The hardest things are the most important because how you handle them defines who you are. Life won’t always be easy, but if we can have faith and find what inspired us, who makes us want to be better than we ever thought we could be, we will be ok. 

There will still be bad days, and hard times, when we are insecure and unsure and even scared. And that’s okay.
Because it’s never too late to start over, it’s never too late to rebuild, it’s never too late to change direction, it’s never too late for the life you want to build.

Life is What You Make

“The world is what you make of it, friend. If it doesn’t fit, you make alterations.” – Stella, Silverado

Sometimes life is great and then sometimes bad things happen that are completely out of our control.  When that happens, an it knocks you down, what do you do?  How exactly do you get up and get going again?  Ah that is one of the great questions of life.  And I don;t know honestly. I only know what I do and what works for me.

First, I pray. My faith is everything to me and has helped me through many dark times. I have to get very still, and listen to God’s voice and what he is telling me. I have to meditate and somehow, just believe.  That can be very hard in the thick of things.  But you just have to hold on. Whatever it is, it won’t be like this is 10 years, 5 years, one year, even 6 months from now.  this is only temporary.

I think also you must take a deep look within.  Sometimes recalculating directions (just like that GPS).  Sometimes you must figure out a new goal, or a new way to get that goal.  Sometimes life has changed you into a different person and you must take a look inside to get to know you again.  sometimes, you just need to rest and catch your breath. You put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps.

And you can never, ever limit yourself or let others limit you.  I have always had extremely bad eyesight.  I have not been able to see the big “E” on the eye chart since I was about 7.  That did not stop me from doing gymnastics, and being the best in my age group.  t also did not stop me from swimming and diving off the high dive.  However, I have my Mother to thank for that.  She ever told the coaches that I could not see.  She never told me either. Because she didn’t want anyone to limit me, including myself.  Not knowing what you can’t do can be wonderful.  If I thought I could do it. I could. And I did, because I didn’t know any better.

That is hard in this day and age of instant communication and real time feedback.  That’s why you just can’t listen. Follow your gut, make alterations f you have to, but never look at the odds.  Just make up your mind and do it. no matter what it takes. And then d o what it takes.

In the end, I think it’s those people who are simply too stubborn to quit that make it.  That is where I am and what I am. I will not quit, I will pray and tap into the steel frame inside me.  This is a new beginning in my life.  I have suffered enough. I have been through enough.  And now, life is what I make it. And I will make it magnificent.

A new house. A new job. A new area. A new life.  I shed the old, and put that skin in the closet with the other relics of the old me, the old life that I used to live. And if you want to be in my life then you better suit up and bring your top game.  Because my life is no place for you to be lazy.

This will be fun, this will be hard work, this will be the most amazing experience. Because this is my life. Ge ready.

The legend of the Phoenix

We all have those times in our life, only feel like we’ve just been through the ringer. And we have worked our way from Rock Bottom, we have clawed our way back to the top, where we can feel the light of the Sun on our faces. We have put Blood Sweat and Tears in getting to the place where Rock Bottom can be a firm foundation on which to build the rest of our lives.

And that is where I find myself this evening, and this beautiful new house, unpacking it and making it home. I have come from a place where my heart was broken. 

But now, I rise.

It is the turning of the page, the branding of the new, a start among the ashes. And I rise.

We have thw power to make life exactly what we want it to be. That doesn’t mean that bad won’t happen, but it does mean that when the waters calm, and the dust settles, and we have our lives returned to us…we can build again. We can start were we left off, or change direction completely.

For me, I go back a few years, before all of it. And I concentrate on myself and building a life of love. 

God has given me everything for which I have prayed, all but one last thing. 

And I rise out of the ashes that was my old life, my old self, my old soul. And I build again. Because it seems that life is a series of building. You build your career, you build your family, you build the life you want. And so goes the legend of the Phoenix

Final Walk Through: Forward Movement

Dealing with the horrible movers who held my posessions hostage made last week difficult. My last night in the old house was Monday the 2nd, however dealing with them put off the final walk through until last night. An entire week. And until last night when I walk to the house alone for the final time, I had not had the opportunity to really think about that house:

As I walk through this empty house alone, for the final walk-through, before anyone else arrives. I walk around it’s empty rooms hear my footsteps Echo back from the empty walls. And I remember everything. 

This house was so much more than a home for me. This is where we brought my father, after losing Mom. It was the last place he truly lived, and was happy, or as happy as he could be with Mom. And while I was blessed to be in this place is beautiful wonderful home – there are many memories a family movie Nights, of conversations, and of planning. But as I’ve already moved in to the new home, this house doesn’t feel like home anymore. 

And it is obvious now more than ever that it is God’s plan that I move forward. Because now as I walk this house and these walls, I realize how much pain was here as well. The pain of dealing with thr loss of both my parents. The confusion pain anxiety, desperation, and overwhelmingness of taking care of Dad, and not knowing what to do or how to do it. All the fighting with the horrible X. It seems like just as many happy memories there are as I look around this this house, there are just as many painful ones as well. 

There is the stove which I cooked for Dad three meals a day. And where he stood watching carefully over me as he had me make a grilled cheese sandwich for him exactly the way Mom would. And then there’s his master bedroom. Which was his little tropical getaway. It later became my room as well. But it is also the room, where he fell so many times, where he got hurt the last time before he went in the hospice, it is whete he was afraid, and where I heard him say goodnight to Mom night after night, as he cried because he missed her so much. 

The upstairs bedroom, which was mine and the horrible X’s. At first it was a place of love, we would sit and talk all night and make love, and plan, and laugh, and love. It soon became a place of strife, and argument, and coldness, and cruelty, a place full of anything but love. And then the room where he stayed, after he decided he could no longer be in the same space as I. It is where he would retire to, and watch videos a video games, and who knows what else. It is where I stood in front of him crying, and where he mocked me and made fun of me when I was in the most vulnerable state. 

And the deck, wherr I spent countless nights looking up at the stars, saying goodbye and talking to my parents. Or I spent looking for fireflies and signs that they were still around and still watching over me.

And even this area, seems to be painful. Everywhere I go there’s reminders of this life from the past year. Just down the road there’s where the ex’s parents lived, who I hoped would end up being my in-laws. There’s also the little places the X and I would go to eat and talk, and plan, and laugh. And then there’s the places where we would fight. The restaurant where he took the ring and the cross my mother gave me, and threatened to throw them into the trash or into the Woods. 

There’s all the places that we with my dad, to find him a Reuben because he loved them so much. There’s all the little places around for the X and I would go together, or drive, or just be together. 

And this is also the house, where I tried to get me evicted, calling landlord’s and telling them lies about me and my lifestyle. Telling them that I would have wild parties and destroy their house. EDITORS NOTE: No damage was found in the final walk-through, because I don’t have some crazy wild lifestyle.

And moving forward there is no space for those painful memories. I will always remember my parents, but I want no memories of the Ex. And that is what rhis house has become, a musuem of the ex. No more. While loving someone is never a mistake, loving the wrong person is very costly. It is time to cast all of that out. 

**********************************

And now I sit in my bright new wonderful home, full of boxes ans things that need to placed, and I am happy.  There are no bad or painful memories here. The slate is clean and I can make this chapter of my life anything I want it to be. 

And that is for love to be so present in my life that it is tangible.

Thank You: Standing in the Shoulders of Giants

Therr are few things in this life more tramatizing then the possibility of literally loosing everything you own. Some people have had to face that reality during floods, hurricanes, fires, and other natural disasters. However one never expects to face such a situation from a moving company.  

Such is the aituation I found myself in after hiring a very unscrupulous moving company that quoted me a price, loaded (almost) all of my things on their trucks, and then told me it would cost almost 4x the original amount to get my things back. And I only had 24 hours to pay or they would aunction my belongings to settled to debt. 

WHAT?!? Certainly that cannot be legal? Well, technically no. But in trying to find an agency who oversees the business of movers I found that there is no oversight for moving companies. So once they have your things, they have you over a barrel.

 
Unless you are a big mouthed red-head, like me.  After many phone calls to agencies and friends…they were flooded with complaints, emails, phone calls and the high threat of media…and I hired an attorney that same day who was a shark and who would scare them enough to negociate. 

Two days and an unspecified amount later (much lower than what they demanded before), my possesions where then delivered. But only dumped to the garage and in the driveway. 

The whole ordeal was terrifying, stressfull and horrible. To face the real threat of losing everything, not just of mine, but a lot of what my parents had left me, was what nightmares are made of. 

The only reason I have my things safely in my house now is only because of prayer, and because I stand on the shoulders of giants. I have no authority or power over others, in the grand scheme of things I am nothing. I am no mogul, I am not famous, I am not an owner of a huge corporation. 

But I have the most amazing and incredible friends in the entire world.  And they came through for me when I was in desperate need of help.  My wonderful friends made online reviews, phone calls, emails and more.  They called me and helped me plan, made suggestions of ideas, and offered monetary help if it came to that. 

And of all that was not enough, they came to help me move my posessions from the driveway into my new house. They called off work, sacrificed time off, put sweat equity into my move. Without them I don’t even want to think about what would have happened.  

The fact of the matter is, that no matter how terrifying and stressful this experience has been, the moving company did nothing to me. In a year I won’t even remember their name.  But what I will remember is gow wonderful, loyal and amazing my friends are. How they came through for me, surrounded me, and made sure that I was OK. How they supported me, how they lifted me up from a bad sitiation and how they have shown me the meaning of love.

I am blessed beyond belief, sitting in my new house, safe, dry and loved. 

And I would not, could not, be here without standing in the shoulders of giants.