One way or another, we all of to come to terms and make peace with the decisions we make in life, as well as the things that are out of our control. That is part of the Serenity prayer. At some point, all of us have to handle our inner demons, maybe even befriend them. Because until we do, life will not be as good, as productive, as magnificent as it could be.
It is late and I think about the situation now, with my life and family. There are always things that are out of our control, and then there are the choices that we make. It was no one’s choice for Dad to get cancer or for Mom to get so sick and depressed. It was out of our control any of that would happen But it did, and sometimes there was anger, and maybe a little still.
No one can escape loss in life. But there are enough things in this world that are out of our control that we should be at peace with the things that are. To me it makes sense to be mad, at painful things that you cannot control, but I do not understand those who get angry and blame others for there own decisions, or having to face the consequences of those decisions.
For instance, I remember my ex telling me that he had lost everything – his home, our relationship, my Dad, me, his job at the time – and that he was angry and felt lost. But he choose to walk away from all of that. He left me, he left our house, our relationship, and he had done things at work that caused him to loose his job – all his decisions. He decided to go to prostitutes and strippers, he cancelled last minute and decided not or go to couples counseling, he walked out of the last conversation we had. So I understood him feeling lost, even remorseful, but not angry. Doesn’t he get tired of being so angry all of the time?
The same with my 3 siblings. The situation with my Dad, their mom and my Mom were out of their control – they were only children and I wasn’t even born yet. But they three of them chose to not have a relationships with any of us until very recently. But I do not understand their anger at me, or them not acknowledging their decisions and the consequences. Doesn’t it get exhausting being so angry all the time? And isn’t it exhausting being suspicious and blaming others all the time? It seems like that would be a terrible way to live life.
If I am honest, there is still pain left to deal with after the last 18 months. I still love and miss my parents, I do not understand or quite grasp that the man who held me as I sobbed after Mom passed, is the same man that tried to get my utilities turned off the day after dad died.
And those are things that I cannot control, but I can control my reactions and whether or not these people with anger and issues are in my life. And whatever I do and whatever decision I make, I must make peace.
How do you do that after a long and painful time? I do not know. Except to pray and have faith. To believe that you have the right to be happy and that you deserve to not have people around who blame you and everyone else in life on for their decisions. The fact is that life is made up of may pieces, many people, many situations, many loves, many friends, many beliefs and many, many other things.
I have often said that that which gives you peace will give you happiness. So if you are not happy, then take a look at the pieces in your life and see what you can do to let go of the angst. Make piece with those peaces so you can move forward. Peace of mind makes a very comfortable pillow.
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