Pray with the Moon, Dance with the Sun

There are times in life when we do not know how it will actually turn out, but we hope and pray for what we need.  We have to take a leap of faith and just believe that it will all work out OK. And it usually does.  But that does not change worry and anxiety on how to get there.

This is where I am.  There are a lot of wonderful things on the horizon, many opportunities and chances.  And I know what I hope, what I need and what I want.  And I am working toward those things every day.  But it is cutting it close to the line and that is far outside of my comfort zone.

And I pray in the moonlight, when it is dark and quiet.  When shadows are close and crickets are out.  Where the soul meets the mind to talk to the heart, this is where I pray, in the light of moon. And I pour my heart and soul into life, one breath at a time. I work hard, play hard, pray hard and believe hard.

And at the end of the day, your feet should be dirty, your hair messy and your eyes sparkling. – Shanti

But there have been so many changes in the past year or so, so many goodbyes, so much loss.  Life doesn’t look anything like it did a 12 or 18 months ago, and two years past seems like millions of miles behind me, and indeed it is.  I am not the same person, this is not the same life.  I have had to stand up, figure out and fight or defend in ways that I never thought I would. And in all of it, I have kept my ethics and dignity intact, my sanity is another story…

“Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.”

Life has a way of changing you, bending you, even if it does not break you.  The ground shifts and you must adapt. Thinking on your feet can be a challenge when the rug has been jerked out from under you.  So we may struggle to find our place, our part in the world. But what if when the dust settles we are where we are supposed to be all along? And all that worry and stress added nothing to the journey? In life, isn’t that usually how it turns out anyway? So just hold on for ride.

“When you are truly genuine there will invariably people who do not accept you. And is that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.” – Katie Goodman

And what about those people who leave in the middle of your struggle or from whom you have to walk away?  Don’t worry about them.  Life is about a series of letting go, breathing in and moving forward.  If they want to return to your life they will have to catch up.  You can’t be bothered or concerned with them or their perception of you.  That has been a hard one for me to learn.  But if I tried to please everyone, I would lose myself, and that is never worth it.

There is a saying that worry steals all the joy out of the present moment.  This is true. So how do you stop worrying?  I am not exactly sure, but what has worked for me is a combination of prayer, meditation, faith and hard work.    And the belief, no the knowledge, that everything will work out, somehow.  You must make a decision to be happy as you reach your goals and make the life that you want.

Magic happens when you do not give up, even when you want to .  The universe always  falls in love with a stubborn heart.

What if a little bit of worry still seeps in sometimes, with the ever present list of what ifs Believe anyway.  Move forward anyway. Have faith anyway. Something will happen.  And when it does, you can step out, into the sunlight and dance knowing that magic still exists. You just have to believe and have faith.

Make Peace with the Pieces

One way or another, we all of to come to terms and make peace with the decisions we make in life, as well as the things that are out of our control.  That is part of the Serenity prayer.  At some point, all of us have to handle our inner demons, maybe even befriend them.  Because until we do, life will not be as good, as productive, as magnificent as it could be.

It is late and I think about the situation now, with my life and family.  There are always things that are out of our control, and then there are the choices that we make. It was no one’s choice for Dad to get cancer or for Mom to get so sick and depressed.  It  was out of our control any of that would happen  But it did, and sometimes there was anger, and maybe a little still.

No one can escape loss in life.   But there are enough things in this world that are out of our control that we should be at peace with the things that are.  To me it makes sense to be mad, at painful things that you cannot control, but I do not understand those who get angry and blame others for there own decisions, or having to face the consequences of those decisions.

For instance, I remember my ex telling me that he had lost everything – his home, our relationship, my Dad, me, his job at the time – and that he was angry and felt lost.  But he choose to walk away from all of that. He left me, he left our house, our relationship, and he had done things at work that caused him to loose his job – all his decisions.  He decided to go to prostitutes and strippers, he cancelled last minute and decided not or go to couples counseling, he walked out of the last conversation we had. So I understood him feeling lost, even remorseful, but not angry.   Doesn’t he get tired of being so angry all of the time?

The same with my 3 siblings.  The situation with my Dad, their mom and my Mom were out of their control – they were only children and I wasn’t even born yet. But they three of them chose to not have a relationships with any of us until very recently.  But I do not understand their anger at me, or them not acknowledging their decisions and the consequences.  Doesn’t it get exhausting being so angry all the time?  And isn’t it exhausting being suspicious and blaming others all the time?  It seems like that would be a terrible way to live life.

If I am honest, there is still  pain left to deal with after the last 18 months.  I still love and miss my parents,  I do not understand or quite grasp that the man who held me as I sobbed after Mom passed, is the same man that tried to get my utilities turned off the day after dad died.

And those are things that I cannot control, but I can control my reactions and whether or not these people with anger and issues are in my life.  And whatever I do and whatever decision I make, I must make peace.

How do you do that after a long and painful time?  I do not know.  Except to pray and have faith.  To believe that you have the right to be happy and that you deserve to not have people around who blame you and everyone else in life on for their decisions. The fact is that life is made up of may pieces, many people, many situations, many loves, many friends, many beliefs and many, many other things.

I have often said that that which gives you peace will give you happiness.  So if you are not happy, then take a look at the pieces in your life and see what you can do to let go of the angst.  Make piece with those peaces so you can move forward.  Peace of mind makes a very comfortable pillow.

The Dinner

Facebook memories, they have a way of getting to us. Making us remember things, places and people that maybe we had forgotten.  Sometimes they bring a smile, or a laugh, or even a tear.   Yesterday, this Picture showed up in my memories and the worked stopped  It was bittersweet to see.

A family dinner back in 2013.  My sister and nephew we living with me, and Mom and Dad came up for a visit.  Actually, Dad came up for a chemo treatment.  But I remember this dinner in particular because it was so wonderful and filled with love.

It was before both Mom and Dad were so sick.  And I lived in this little town home not far from where I live now. It was small and not fancy, 3 bedrooms, all of which were neng used.  When Mom and Dad stayed, my sister and I would share my room, then my nephew stayed in his own room and Dad would sleep in my sister’s room.  Mom would sleep on the couch where it would bother her back the least.  It was crowded, but so full of love.

And I was blissful when they were all there.  My hone, my little humble place was the epicenter of family and love.  I cannot even express how happy I was at this dinner where my sister made her delicious home made chicken fettuccine Alfredo. There was laughter and jokes and smiles and more love than I thought possible.

Dad had to eat salad though, as he had been having health issues aside from the cancer, and we thought he had to be on a vegan diet.  Dad was a meat and potatoes kind of man and very used to southern cooking.  During this time we made all kinds of strange things to hep him adjust.  I bought vegan recipe books and we made him fried mushroom burgers, tofu rice, quinoa and  lots of fruits and veggies. Thank goodness he did not need to stay on that diet.

After dinner, when Mom said she ate too much, my nephew smiled ad said just fart and make room for more.” We all laughed. We would all stay up late and talk and wonder and just love each other.  Dad would go to bed early and remind us to “keep it down to a dull roar.”

How I miss those days.

And that is what this picture, this memory means to me. A time when we were all together, eating and enjoying each other;s company, knowing we were family.  Knowing we were loved and that we would always have each other. The memory of that dinner is one I hold every so dear.

And that is the things about life, it is bittersweet, magic, sad, beautiful, tragic, wonderful and sad all mixed into one.  So hold onto those good memories and color your life with them, so that the bitter may be sweeter and the heart will never forget.