The Apology

There is a saying that one of the hardest things is to accept an apology that was never given by someone who was never sorry.  I won’t say that it is the hardest, but it is definitely up there. The reason that it is so hard is that you have no choice but to deal with things yourself, to work through what ever happened yourself. You do not have the benefit of a conversation, of closure, of setting things right, understanding and perspective.

And many times people do not apologize, which is a shame, because an apology can be one of the most healing things out there.  This is something I experienced first hand last night.

The man who has lived with me the longest, who was as close as a husband to me more than any other man, sent me a beautiful text. And it was shocking.  Out of the blue, he apologized for all the hurt, all the pain, all the doubt, all the frustration, all of the bad that he was responsible for in our relationship.

I left that relationship 12 years ago, and accepted the fact that no apology would ever be given on certain  things.  And I moved forward, worked through it and eventually forgave, on my own. He and he and I have had conversations since then. But this text was different. He did not make excuses, he did not place blame, instead he explained why certain things happened, how he felt and what he understood at that time.  It was incredibly enlightening and healing.

I called him and heard the sincerity in his voice and his words.  And I cried.  All these years, all this time, and even when I had worked through everything, there was so much healing.  He even said he was sorry that I had to figure out the healing on my own too.  That should have apologized a long time ago and that he was sorry it took him this long. Because even if we were not going to be able to work things out, I should not have had to carry the burden of the relationship and all the healing on my own.

It takes a lot of strength to apologize, maybe that is why some v=never do – because they are not strong enough to look at themselves objectively and admits their faults to another. an apology makes you very vulnerable, and yet it shows such courage. He also said that to him, this was truly the first sincere apology. He said you cannot truly apologize unless you understand not only what you are apologizing for, but what it did to the other person.

Who would have thought that two  little words could mean so much and show so much. He took  responsibility for his part in it, he understood why and he understood how what he did had affected me. And in apologizing, he validated me. And that is truly a gift for which I will be forever thankful.

Never underestimate the poser of apology. Never underestimate the healing it can do, the importance of it, the totality of it and the relief of it.

For years I carried the burden of that ending.  Now I can set it free.

Fall Fantasies

There is a time when you can feel the air change, and you know it is the change of seasons.  You can feel it, sense it, and taste it.  This is where I am not, figuratively and literally. The air is much cooler over the last few days and the freshness tastes delicious.  It is the flavor of all the new possibilities coming down the line.

The summer has been long and arduous.  But much growth has happened, which has taken me out of for the change that we need in life. But isn’t that the case in life?  Being outside of our comfort zone is often the precipice for change.  Whether we are placed there by circumstances outside of our control, or we walk outside on your own, everything we want is on the other side of fear.

And I am tired of the discomfort that has been present this summer.  It has been hard, and now that the air is cooler I know that change is coming. I have grown out of my skin so it is time to shed my old self and make a new life. I know that it is time to let go and breathe easy.  It is time to explore and see the world around me with new eyes. I have no one but myself, so I will make this the life that I want and have always dreamed.

And this is exciting.  I am free, I have a wonderful support system and love is everywhere around me. It is time for the move; it is time to make more memories, go to festivals, drink cider, pick apples, enjoy the changing of the leaves and the cool weather.  It is time to not be weighed down by the past and those in it.

It is time for…fun.  It is time for fall. Which for me is this magical, wonderful time after the activities of the summer and before the rush of the winter.  And make no mistake, it is fully my intention to enjoy every moment, every second, every bit of laughter and fun and sunshine and rain and day and night.

Celebrate

This is a bit of a strange week for me as it is packed with anniversaries and birthdays.

The biggest one is Labor Day as it was Dad’s birthday, September 2^nd. The Four -Pack always celebrated by heading down to the family compound and sharing beer, food, laughter and gifts  – and socks. I always had to give him socks.  It‘s a tradition.

I have done the Mother’s Day thing. I celebrated Mom’s Birthday, both the first since she passed.  And I have celebrated Fathers  Day…but what do I do for my father’s 81^st birthday? Celebrate in way that would make him happy.

This will be a wonderful holiday weekend of friends and family and love and laughter and new.  Of renewed heartbeats and faith and hope. And sunsets and sunrises and adventure.

August 29 was an anniversary of sorts too. It was six years ago that I was brutally strangled. It took yeas for the legal fight to be over and years to recover emotionally as well.  So why would I celebrate? Because I remember saying that one day I hope that I don’t even remember the date because my  life is so full that there is no room for that memory.  Indeed my life is that full.  I did not remember it until a friend reminded me.  And it dawned on me..I was so busy and happy and fulfilled that I didn’t even notice.

I was also going to get married on my Father’s birthday that year, in Barbados.  Not many people know that.  It was a beautiful area, with an arch on the cliffs right above the water.  I am also grateful for the wonderful, amazing people I met on that trip, who are still friends with me to this day.

And so it is, this holiday weekend of celebration.  Starting off with a  homemade dinner with family and friends – another dinner party.  I love when my house is full and memories are made. Then an out of town trip with more people dear to my heart, for hard work, hard play and maybe a ride in a hot air balloon.

And that is how I will honor and celebrate my father, myself and this life that has been given to me.

Positive Pink

We all have insecurities and vulnerabilities  That is part of being human, and going through the human Experience.  Every one of us have had “fat days”, bad hair days, bad make up days, or just days were we felt like we looked horrible. Men feel it too, seeing small fit guys on TV, or running around their office. Let’s face it, all of us know that none of us are perfect.

And yet there is almost a need to remind people of their flaws, hitting those insecurities and vulnerabilities right on the head. The worst is when it happens to kids.  But adults get it too.

I recently saw a speech that musician Pink made when she accepted the Vanguard award.  She talked about how her hdaughter said that she felt like the ugliest girl, because the kids said she looked like a boy with long hair…

Just another reason to love this artist.  I swear she is my spirit animal and one of my insorations. Truth be told people have made fun of me all of my life too. I was always the strange one, always to one who was writing, or had the big vocabulary no could could really understand.  But I refused to change.  Why should I change because of someone else’s opinion of me?  Who are they? And why should their opinion mean anything to me?

But more than anything that people love to say when finding fault and making fun of me, if the drama queen, over dramatic, brought it on yourself card.

There was victim blaming when I was attacked (6 years ago to the day today).  I deserved it, there was something wrong with me, I brought is on myself, I asked for it and I was being dramatic when  talked about how bad it was (never mind the pictures).

Fast forward to now, the most recent: My siblings telling me that I am just a drama queen causing trouble and bad things that have happened is life finally catching up to me. One telling me before Mom died that I was being overly dramatic and exaggerating – when I would beg them, someone, anyone to please, please, help me get Mom to a doctor because there was something wrong with her, she wasn’t eating and was becoming anorexic.  I begged and said that if someone doesn’t help her, she will slowly starve herself to death and die from malnutrition.

And indeed she did, it is even listed as the cause of death on her death certificate. For three long years I warned everyone, while others made fun of me. And I did not change.

And my most recent ex, accused me of being a drama queen when I was so upset that he cheated on me with prostitutes and strippers. Called me a drama queen when I said I had to go to the funeral home to see my father’s body and to please do not have my utilities turned off the day after Dad died. And I did not change.

So let me make this very clear to those of you who read this blog on a regular basis and all others who made fun of me – Do you see me changing to please you?  Do you see me not telling the truth?  Do you see me shying away from telling my thoughts or opinions? Do you see me not talk about the things and people in my life on this blog? Do you see me change the way I conduct my life? Do you see me change my writing style? No?

Do you see me living a happy life?  Do you see me smiling?  Do you see me following my dreams? Do you see me being a successful writer, who makes a great living (and who now has a book deal)?  Do you hear me sing because my soul is light and happy? Do you see me glowing and laughing and working on projects that I only want to work on? YES.

So I’ll cash my checks and place my bets
And hope I’ll always win
Even if I don’t I’m f*cked because
I live a life of sin
But it’s alright
I don’t give a damn
I don’t play your rules, I make my own
Tonight
I’ll do what I want
Cause I can- : Pink – ‘cuz I Can Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Because, as Pink said, we, those who are made fun of, do not change. We become what inspires change in others. We, by standing strong and firm in the comfort of our own skin, our own mind, our own knowledge of ourselves, make the rest of the world see that they need to have more compassion and understanding.

And indeed, I get messages every week about those who have read my words and been inspired.  It is my honor and privily to inspire, to create, to make someone think or feel or discuss.

To those of you who tear others down to make yourselves feel better – Take a seat. Work on yourselves so that one day you too have peace and are comfortable within yourself. And then maybe you will see the many different kinds of beauty in others and in the world.

Here is a little secret, I don’t care what you say or think, because I am too busy living a great life, surrounded by amazing people who love me. So those who say bad and disparaging things about me, please continue.  You not only have my permission but my blessing as well.  If that is the most constructive thing you can find to do in this world, if I am the best thing you have to talk about…then that is sad.  And I do not change.

And to all those like me who have been made fun of, or picked on or had your vulnerabilities exposed and exploited so that they felt better about themselves…YOU are beautiful. YOU are perfect. YOU are enough. Don’t change for them.  They know nothing about you, your soul, your depth or your life.  So you go on being your bad ass self.  And one day, I promise you, you will find your tribe, your people who will love you just the way you are. In the meantime, dazzle the world…

You being you can change the world. Your drum, your thoughts, your beauty, your wonder, you, yourself, are so much more powerful and beautiful than you know.

 

 

 

 

Pray with the Moon, Dance with the Sun

There are times in life when we do not know how it will actually turn out, but we hope and pray for what we need.  We have to take a leap of faith and just believe that it will all work out OK. And it usually does.  But that does not change worry and anxiety on how to get there.

This is where I am.  There are a lot of wonderful things on the horizon, many opportunities and chances.  And I know what I hope, what I need and what I want.  And I am working toward those things every day.  But it is cutting it close to the line and that is far outside of my comfort zone.

And I pray in the moonlight, when it is dark and quiet.  When shadows are close and crickets are out.  Where the soul meets the mind to talk to the heart, this is where I pray, in the light of moon. And I pour my heart and soul into life, one breath at a time. I work hard, play hard, pray hard and believe hard.

And at the end of the day, your feet should be dirty, your hair messy and your eyes sparkling. – Shanti

But there have been so many changes in the past year or so, so many goodbyes, so much loss.  Life doesn’t look anything like it did a 12 or 18 months ago, and two years past seems like millions of miles behind me, and indeed it is.  I am not the same person, this is not the same life.  I have had to stand up, figure out and fight or defend in ways that I never thought I would. And in all of it, I have kept my ethics and dignity intact, my sanity is another story…

“Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.”

Life has a way of changing you, bending you, even if it does not break you.  The ground shifts and you must adapt. Thinking on your feet can be a challenge when the rug has been jerked out from under you.  So we may struggle to find our place, our part in the world. But what if when the dust settles we are where we are supposed to be all along? And all that worry and stress added nothing to the journey? In life, isn’t that usually how it turns out anyway? So just hold on for ride.

“When you are truly genuine there will invariably people who do not accept you. And is that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.” – Katie Goodman

And what about those people who leave in the middle of your struggle or from whom you have to walk away?  Don’t worry about them.  Life is about a series of letting go, breathing in and moving forward.  If they want to return to your life they will have to catch up.  You can’t be bothered or concerned with them or their perception of you.  That has been a hard one for me to learn.  But if I tried to please everyone, I would lose myself, and that is never worth it.

There is a saying that worry steals all the joy out of the present moment.  This is true. So how do you stop worrying?  I am not exactly sure, but what has worked for me is a combination of prayer, meditation, faith and hard work.    And the belief, no the knowledge, that everything will work out, somehow.  You must make a decision to be happy as you reach your goals and make the life that you want.

Magic happens when you do not give up, even when you want to .  The universe always  falls in love with a stubborn heart.

What if a little bit of worry still seeps in sometimes, with the ever present list of what ifs Believe anyway.  Move forward anyway. Have faith anyway. Something will happen.  And when it does, you can step out, into the sunlight and dance knowing that magic still exists. You just have to believe and have faith.

Make Peace with the Pieces

One way or another, we all of to come to terms and make peace with the decisions we make in life, as well as the things that are out of our control.  That is part of the Serenity prayer.  At some point, all of us have to handle our inner demons, maybe even befriend them.  Because until we do, life will not be as good, as productive, as magnificent as it could be.

It is late and I think about the situation now, with my life and family.  There are always things that are out of our control, and then there are the choices that we make. It was no one’s choice for Dad to get cancer or for Mom to get so sick and depressed.  It  was out of our control any of that would happen  But it did, and sometimes there was anger, and maybe a little still.

No one can escape loss in life.   But there are enough things in this world that are out of our control that we should be at peace with the things that are.  To me it makes sense to be mad, at painful things that you cannot control, but I do not understand those who get angry and blame others for there own decisions, or having to face the consequences of those decisions.

For instance, I remember my ex telling me that he had lost everything – his home, our relationship, my Dad, me, his job at the time – and that he was angry and felt lost.  But he choose to walk away from all of that. He left me, he left our house, our relationship, and he had done things at work that caused him to loose his job – all his decisions.  He decided to go to prostitutes and strippers, he cancelled last minute and decided not or go to couples counseling, he walked out of the last conversation we had. So I understood him feeling lost, even remorseful, but not angry.   Doesn’t he get tired of being so angry all of the time?

The same with my 3 siblings.  The situation with my Dad, their mom and my Mom were out of their control – they were only children and I wasn’t even born yet. But they three of them chose to not have a relationships with any of us until very recently.  But I do not understand their anger at me, or them not acknowledging their decisions and the consequences.  Doesn’t it get exhausting being so angry all the time?  And isn’t it exhausting being suspicious and blaming others all the time?  It seems like that would be a terrible way to live life.

If I am honest, there is still  pain left to deal with after the last 18 months.  I still love and miss my parents,  I do not understand or quite grasp that the man who held me as I sobbed after Mom passed, is the same man that tried to get my utilities turned off the day after dad died.

And those are things that I cannot control, but I can control my reactions and whether or not these people with anger and issues are in my life.  And whatever I do and whatever decision I make, I must make peace.

How do you do that after a long and painful time?  I do not know.  Except to pray and have faith.  To believe that you have the right to be happy and that you deserve to not have people around who blame you and everyone else in life on for their decisions. The fact is that life is made up of may pieces, many people, many situations, many loves, many friends, many beliefs and many, many other things.

I have often said that that which gives you peace will give you happiness.  So if you are not happy, then take a look at the pieces in your life and see what you can do to let go of the angst.  Make piece with those peaces so you can move forward.  Peace of mind makes a very comfortable pillow.

The Dinner

Facebook memories, they have a way of getting to us. Making us remember things, places and people that maybe we had forgotten.  Sometimes they bring a smile, or a laugh, or even a tear.   Yesterday, this Picture showed up in my memories and the worked stopped  It was bittersweet to see.

A family dinner back in 2013.  My sister and nephew we living with me, and Mom and Dad came up for a visit.  Actually, Dad came up for a chemo treatment.  But I remember this dinner in particular because it was so wonderful and filled with love.

It was before both Mom and Dad were so sick.  And I lived in this little town home not far from where I live now. It was small and not fancy, 3 bedrooms, all of which were neng used.  When Mom and Dad stayed, my sister and I would share my room, then my nephew stayed in his own room and Dad would sleep in my sister’s room.  Mom would sleep on the couch where it would bother her back the least.  It was crowded, but so full of love.

And I was blissful when they were all there.  My hone, my little humble place was the epicenter of family and love.  I cannot even express how happy I was at this dinner where my sister made her delicious home made chicken fettuccine Alfredo. There was laughter and jokes and smiles and more love than I thought possible.

Dad had to eat salad though, as he had been having health issues aside from the cancer, and we thought he had to be on a vegan diet.  Dad was a meat and potatoes kind of man and very used to southern cooking.  During this time we made all kinds of strange things to hep him adjust.  I bought vegan recipe books and we made him fried mushroom burgers, tofu rice, quinoa and  lots of fruits and veggies. Thank goodness he did not need to stay on that diet.

After dinner, when Mom said she ate too much, my nephew smiled ad said just fart and make room for more.” We all laughed. We would all stay up late and talk and wonder and just love each other.  Dad would go to bed early and remind us to “keep it down to a dull roar.”

How I miss those days.

And that is what this picture, this memory means to me. A time when we were all together, eating and enjoying each other;s company, knowing we were family.  Knowing we were loved and that we would always have each other. The memory of that dinner is one I hold every so dear.

And that is the things about life, it is bittersweet, magic, sad, beautiful, tragic, wonderful and sad all mixed into one.  So hold onto those good memories and color your life with them, so that the bitter may be sweeter and the heart will never forget.

 

Total Eclipse of the Change

Many times in life we are ready for a change.  They say that when you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.  But what if you know the destination, but not sure of the path? That can present some different problems.  But in my experience, if you have faith, work hard and do the best you can, you usually get where you need to be. That is because the ripples of intention are far reaching.

Wouldn’t it be great if life came with a GPS, or at least a compass? Unfortunately it doesn’t, so we just have to accept that as humans, we are going to get lost sometimes, end up on the wrong path, not recognize the way home or even meet up with some scary people.  But we may also find amazing paths, incredible sights and have amazing adventures with wonderful people.  I have been told that I am too optimistic, but I am OK with that. Half the fun is the journey anyway.

Mercury has been in retrograde since mid-August, which is a time when communications, electronics, travel and relationships become bogged down and messy.  I definitely do not need any more mess sin my life – as my house cleaners can attest. Throw the eclipse in the mix and you have a hot astrological mess.

But all hope is not lost.  Astrologers everywhere say that this can be a very productive time –  Between the two celestial happenings, this is a great time to embrace change, because it is coming.  It is a great time to get those ducks in a row and get ready.

First this is a good time for self-reflection. Pay e=attention to anything that is holding you back or doesn’t feel right.  Think about what you want in life and align yourself with those goals.  Mercury in Retrograde is a great time to bring things to a close, so think about what you need to let go of that are not serving you.  When we use our time and energy on what does not serve us or what is no longer good for yes, that is energy wasted that could be used for better things that bring us closer to our goals.

It is also a great for self-care and deep reflection.  According to astronomers, this is a time when we are more in tune with our deeper rhythms. When we listen to that little voice inside us it allows us to move forward authentically, and set intentions that are true to what we really want.  This is also a time that gives us the courage to follow through, even if the tasks are hard. This is when we want to tie up loose ends, so that there can be a clean beginning

But be patient, these realizations may not come immediately. And once they do it may take a little bit of time to implements and come to fruition. More than anything, be patient with yourself and give yourself as much compassion as you would give others. 

This Mercury in Retrograde I am using a reset button,  To relax, take stock and know when,  how and in what direction to move forward.  I have love, laughter and faith in my corner, and they won’t let me down.  

Character is doing the right thing when no one is looking. J.C. Watts

Repost: The Princess and the Pee Cup

We all have those embarrassing moments in out life. We all have moments that are so surreal that we think this really cannot be happening in real life.  We all have moments where we think it would be hysterical to see on TV, in a sitcom…

I Went to get my pre-employment drug test for the AT&T contract today. Not a big deal.  I took the little cup to the restroom and as I brought it out to give it to the nurse, the lid on it slipped and the contents of the cup spilled on the floor. I thought the nurse had it. She thought I had it.

And we both stood there for the longest moment in history, staring at the floor with looks of horror on our faces, neither one of us knowing what to do or say next.  There is not way to recover from that, really.

happened to look up and saw one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen standing waiting to sign in.  He had a look of horror on his face too.

Proof once again that my life is completely together…until a (good looking) man steps in.  If it was a little old lady standing there the lid wold not have slipped at all.

 

I REALLY just wanted to crawl under something big and heavy.

Repost: Love and the Human Condition

I wrote this 7 years ago ( can it me that long ago??). And I certainly have found this to be the case, which is sad.  Why work hard and stick with someone, when you can find Someone better around the corner?  Because you will never find anything more than the superficial if you don’t.

But in this day and age of Kardashians, fake lashes and bigger is better, skinnier is best, is there hope for real true love that goes beyond what is convenient and looks good?  Yes. And I have been lucky enough to have my life full of those who believe in the treasures that are below the surface. I ma blessed to have loyal friends and man. And those are the people who will experience true joy in their lives.

Because only those who are still, those who stop jumping to the next best thing, will have anything deep enough in their lives which will give them joy.

“In the Human Condition, Love is the wonderful problem we can never solve.”

No matter how young or old we are, we always look for it. We want it, crave it, must have it. It is love. And no matter how many difficult relationships or bad dates we have, we always are willing to go back and try for it one more time. Why is this? Love is what makes us cry, makes us hurt, makes us lonely and makes us miserable. It is human nature to want to love and be loved. It is part of the human condition.

 

You can see this in all the romantic movies, dating websites (like the 4 I am on) and relationship books. Love is a multi-million dollar business. But just what are we buying with our membership to these movies/sites/books? Movies is what we all hope for – the happy ending. Books, how to get the happy ending and the dating websites, with whom to have the happy ending.

 

But I also wonder, with modern technology, have we lost something in the translation? To me, love is not just about those perfect moments you have with someone, but finding someone to have those moments with for life. Modern technology shrinking the world has made it much easier to move onto the next if there is anything we do not like about the person next to us.

 

I too have found myself with the same attitude: It really doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work out – there are literally thousands like him on my dating websites…so who cares? Maybe we should care. Would all those married couples who have been together for30+ years still be together if they could access Facebook, Match.com, and Friend finder just by a touch of their mobile phone?

 

At some point we must realize that no one is perfect, and no matter how wonderful someone is, we will not love – or even like – everything about them. What I wonder is, is in this day and age is there really hope for long lasting relationships when there is always someone better around the corner? In the old days people stuck together because the world was a lot bigger. Now it is smaller than ever and shrinking by the day. Now we have so many choices, we really don’t have to stick with someone or work things out to have a relationship…we can just jump to the next one….and the next one…and the next….

 

I hope to stop jumping. I want to be still. So I will be calm and let them sit in my silence, bright as a lamp, simple as a ring. It is part of the human condition to want love…and then when we find it we have to learn how to keep it. This is why in the human condition love is the wonderful problem we can never solve. But oh, what fun we can have trying!

Healing Forward

I have written a lot about moving forward after the past two years.  And there are hundred of books on the topic of healing and moving forward.  But I find that many times the two work hand in hand.  I call it healing forward for this reason.

And there is much forward movement.  An invitation to spend Labor Day weekend, which is my Father’s birthday, with dear friends, helping them attain their goals and well as celebrating as well.  In return they will make sure my father’s 81 birthday will be a good one. My cousins invitation for Thanksgiving.  The plans for Christmas and New years Eve.  And all of my friends embracing me telling me the same things – there is so much love and your friends can be your family.

There is healing in love, both in giving and receiving it – if you choose to see it that way.  And that more than anything is what I take from all of the past two years.  And when I look back, it has been hard, but there has also been many people h=who have prayed for me, cheered me on and encouraged me. It takes a village, not just for children, but for healthy adults as well  No man is an island.

You cannot control other’s or their demons or their baggage.  If you could, then my ex would not be so damaged by his ex that he hates women, and my siblings would not be so damaged that they cannot see love that is in front of them. And a thousand other things about a thousand other people.

I am surrounded by love. When I have a bad day where I am missing my parents, or other friend I have lost, the people who love me are there.

Healing forward also means taking care of yourself. Exercising, eating right and getting enough sleep – all of which I try to do but am not always good at.  Healing forward means appreciating the perfect moments and small victories. It means enjoying where you are and being present.  It means helping others and being kind.

Sometimes it means walking away too, as I have also written about.  It is called Healthy Detachment.   That is when you love yourself enough to walk away from anything person or situation that no longer serves you.  You detach from those who are not loving, or kind or positive.  You walk away from anything or anyone to takes you further away from God and his service or calling for you.

And for me, it means taking that goal board to heart. Working on the way I want my life to be, building the life I want one brick, one heartbeat at a time. And having time for wine and good times with friends. That is a life where love is so present that it is tangible.

And watch the doors fly open, watch this life, Become.

So raise your glass to healing forward.  May we all go by leaps and bounds.

 

 

 

Letting Go

We all have times in our lives when we have to let go.  Let go of people, or jobs, or dreams, or plans, or relationships.  For me I am letting go of anything that does not bring joy and goodness and love into my life.  I goes along with my mission statement on my goal board: To have a life where love is so present that it is tangible.

I have had enough of those who are dishonest, ingeniousness or outright duplicitous. I am too old, been through too much and I have done too much for others to allow my energy to be taken by those who no longer serve a joyful purpose.  Sometimes in life we must love ourselves enough to cut the chord.

And already I feel lighter and happier,  already there is a lighter feel to the air.

The trick do letting go is determining who is sincere and who is not.  That can be difficult in this day and age of charm and charisma.  And this is where I have trouble.  Because I want to believe that those whom I love are good, that they are deserving, and loving.  But it takes time to determine, it takes a keen eye to see if actions match words.  And if actions and works do not match, then it is time to let go.

I have said it before that when you let go of the negative people and situations in your life, you make room for better things.

And I look forward to the future to come. There is too much love out there in the world for me to accept anything less than spectacular.

The Three

There is a theory that things in life come in threes. There are many examples every can point to in life. And indeed that would be the case now. I have a tattoo of three doves over an infinite sign, representative of the three beautiful people I lost in my life over the past 2 years.

And now I have three siblings who seem to no longer want a relationship. Things said and done before I was born have set the stage for now. Things none of us had any control over, things that are no ones fault who are still left on this earth. And yet the ghost of the words and actions of others haunt us still.

I am the youngest, born in 1973, long after dreadful deeds were done. And sometimes I wonder how I can be the youngest and still be the most aware of the pettiness of who wrote what paragraph 13 years ago in a document none of us had anything to do with.

How can I be the youngest and be the one who sees how ridiculous it is to hold onto pain that was cause by people who are dead.  Everyone who put this situation in motion is dead.  They are gone. And when in this situation you have a choice – hold onto a dead man’s grudge and let that grudge make you bitter; or move forward in love and light and learn about things and people yourself. I choose that latter.

But you cannot make that choice for someone else.  So if they choose to hang on to a dead man’s grudge, then let them have it.  They can go down with the ship – along with the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s (how many generations did that go?).  I was fine before they came back, I will be fine when they leave.

Except I don’t want them to go. I want them to stay.

Maybe it is too much for a relationship categorized as “weird” to bare. Maybe the affection and curiosity were not returned, but merely tolerated. Maybe there is “too much baggage” as stated – except that it is not my baggage and I will not pick it up at baggage claim. Maybe I do not belong after all.

And I have a confession to make.  More than anything in life, at this moment, I simply want to find where I belong. With whom? And where? At Christmas, on whose wreath shall I knock? Family would be the natural choice, but not always. And so that is for what I search.  A place to go and to be; someplace to belong. A place to learn and be loved and to love in return.

And maybe the answer is not to look for it among others, even if they are family  Maybe it is to create it ourselves?  But how?  I have no family of my own. The answer is…I don’t know.  I do know that no solution, or love, was ever found by feeling sorry for yourself.  I know that you cannot make anyone love, accept or even like you.

And so I will not be moving to North Carolina like I had hoped. Where will I go?  I don’t know.  But I know that the world is full of wonderful places and amazing people, and most of all, the world is full of love.  It is up to me to find it, cultivate it, and grow it.  It is up to me to write my life and my story and the happy ending I hope to find, somewhere.  And if those who I originally cast do not want to accept the role?  Then it is up to me to find others who will.  It is up to me to make sure my life and my heart are full.

And that is the three for which now I seek: Love of God, Love in my heart, and love of a family to call my own –  how ever they come to me and whoever they turn out to be. And honestly in life, in if we have those three, then we are truly lucky and blessed indeed.

The Goal Board

I make one every year usually, though the past year got away from me for obvious. reasons. It helps me work toward my dreams and goals. It is my goal board, and it has been over 2 years since I made one.  So it was long overdue.

In life we must have goals, we must have something for which we are working toward.  And having this board helps keep those goals and dreams in the front of my mind, so that I am always working toward them, always thinking of them, and always making sure I am going in the direction that gets me closer.

We must always strive to be better, to keep learning, to keep being curious, to keep making our life the great novel it is supposed to be. But how?  I don;t know what works for others, but one of the  things that keeps me motivated is that goal board.  Looking at what I want every day makes sure that I am always working and moving forward.

Now that I am well on my way, I need to know what I want and where I want to be to get there.  I feel as if I have been struggling to fine my place in the world, and where to plant my life, my roots. There is no feeling worse that the feeling of being completely lost, so lost that not even God can find you. The feeling that you have lost everything is horrible.

I have worked hard to climb back to the land of the living, the place where there is joy, love and happiness.  Now that I am her it is time to take life ti the next level.  Never do I want to take life for granted.

2000-Ada: This is a term a dear friend thought of when we were talking about how these next years are going to be amazing.  I told her my plan and she was excited to be a part of it.  So instead of 2017, 0r 2018, it is 2000-Ada…or maybe it should be written as 20Ada? Either way, these next years and mine for the taking, it is my story to write and my amazing life to life.

Faith: This is the central part of everything.  God and Faith is from where everything else originates. Prayer and careful meditation is the key to a happy, well balanced life, inner Peace, forgiveness and much more.  This is the single most important part of the goal board.  This has been a rough time past, and I want to make sure that my Faith and relationship with God is where it needs to be.

Family:  I knew family was  important before my parents passed, but now I see that they are everything.  My siblings, cousins, aunts and my wonderful friends who are family – they are my heart. Especially the relationship with my siblings.  I am the youngest of five and have not always been close with them.  I want that to change and I want to be the typical little sister and learn everything about them. And in the next two years, I want a family of my own.

Writing: I have to write.  It is who and what I am – a writer.  Sometimes things can get so busy ad hectic that I do not write, not even notes on what to write later.  I am a creative writer, so it is important to honor that part of myself and my personality.  That includes writing in my handwritten journal too.

Meditation: Part of this goes with faith, but it also the Secret and The Power of Attraction.  I have to ask for what I want.  I also have to make sure that I am clear of negative energy and people

Exercise: That last 10 pounds is TOAST!!  I have decided it is time to get where I was back two years ago, when my arms, shoulders, legs and abs were in a lot better shape and toned.  I joined LA Fitness and went to my first Yoga class tonight,  I am hooked.

Travel: The next year will have many trips and even the year after that.  It is time to plan and make some of these dreams come true. And the best is when you have a travel partner.

Finances:  Planning for retirement, making sure that all my ducks are in a row. Making sure that everything falls into place as it should.

Love: Even though my ex cheated on my with prostitutes, is a 50 year old man going through his mid life crisis by dating 25 year-olds, going on every dating and anonymous sex site and screwing anything with legs to prove to the world that he is a stud…I refuse  let how he treated me and what he did make me bitter. True love is out there. The man I want knows that it is a sacred space, that love means supporting each other to be your best selves and being kind and compassionate to each other.

My mission statement:  To have a life where love is so present, that it is tangible. That doesn’t mean jut romantic love, it means love in general – love for my friends, family, career, fellow human beings.

You life is what you make it and no one is going to work harder at it than you.  Do what you need to do to inspire the change that you want to see.  If that is a goal board, or a life coach, or listing out your goals, what ever you need to keep your dreams in your face, and on your mind.

As for me, I want it all – love, career, travel, family

 

 

What I Love

There Are things that we discover in life that we love.  That no matter where we are, it there are things we want in our life, things that make us happy.  And I have discovered that taking care of others is what makes me happy.

There are only two men I have ever lived with in my life, and I loved them with all my heart. Another that I loved was living with them and taking care of them.  I loved cooking for them, spending time with them, even in the dull mundane ordinary days of life.  I loved doing laundry for them (did’t love folding it) and loved making sure that they had what would make them happy in the  house – their favorite foods, wine, beer, whatever.

I also loved planning with them, the whole things about doing and handling things together. I loved picking out a new house to rent with my ex, I loved looking at possible homes to buy. And planning trips and dates and all of the every day things too. I loved having a partnership.

And when we determine what we want in life, we have to take an honest look at when we were the happiest, and when we weren’t. When we decide how we want our life to feel, we have to identify what it is that makes us feel the best and most fulfilled.  For me, it is taking care and serving and loving others.

And so, as I move forward in what will make me happy, I recognize this about myself.  I want to live with another, to be a partnership, to take care for them and be a team.  I am the happiness in life when I am giving and taking care of those I love.  I am the happiest when loving.  When I look back on my life, that is when I was filled with the most joy.

So raise your glass to what makes you happy.  And go after it with such passion that it must some to fruition.

Wisdom and Seasoning

I remember talking to one of my best friends on the night before my father’s memorial service.  I was sobbing to her and saying that I did not think that I could do it.  I didn’t think that I was strong enough (the only time I have ever said that). I was crying so hard that I could barely speak.  And she told me something that stuck. She said:

“Tomorrow will be the hardest day of your life; the day of your father’s service.  But after tomorrow the is day done, and Nothing will ever hurt you that bad again for the rest of your life.”

And she was right.

The good thing about that is that no matter what other’s may try to you, no matter how vindictive they are to you or how nasty, they will never be able to hurt you, because you have already been through the worst. And nothing will ever hurt you that bad again.  So it doesn’t matter what others do.

And they hate that, that they cannot touch you or truly hurt you any worse than has happened before.  They will try though. People who are that vindictive are so miserable that all they can do is make everyone else miserable around the, so the best thing to do is to just let them be.  Karma will sort them out.

As we get older wehave experiences, both good and bad, that make the rest of life easier.  We know what to expect and how life works, because this isn’t our first rodeo.  This same friend also said several months ago about getting over my horrible ex:

“That is the thing about getting older, you have had a broken heart before, you know  what it is and that it doesn’t kill you.  You know it’s may be rough for a little while, but then you are like, ‘Oh OK, let’s get this done and over with so I can get on with things.'”

And so it goes, with life and experiences.  Once you get to a certain age and a certain level, you have already been there and done that.  You know what it takes and so you pull up a chair, pure a glass of wine and settle in for the storm, because you know it won’t last.

There are many benefits to being well seasoned in life, truly being a woman and all that it encompasses.  You know how the world works and why.  You take pride in those scars you have acquired, because they show a life well lived and well loved – and well survived.  You have stories and memories, because you have had a life.

So be proud of your seasoning and wisdom.  It is a right denied to many.  Now, raise your glass and let’s all have a toast.

Fear

 “Do one thing every day that scares you”

It is no secret that we all have fears and insecurities. We all have scars and baggage, especially if you are above a certain age.  And most of the time the fears and insecurities we have are not rational.  They are figments of our imagination, but that doesn’t make them seem any less real.

They say that you should do something that scares you every day.  This is pretty much every day to me. Every day I am doing things that scare me.  I have a lot of fears and insecurities in this new part of life. Moving forward is exhilarating but terrifying. And to be honest I have no idea what I am doing.

So here is a list:

Life:  Life right now life is pretty scary.  I know that I write about looking forward and moving forward, and I am, but there is also fear that goes with that. This is a new time in my life and a new way of life.  Figuring out how to build everything up from scratch is a pretty big undertaking.  For the most part I think I have it all under control, but some times I do look around a wonder what I am doing and how am I going to do it?

Love:  This is a big one. I thought I was done with searching  I thought I had found the one, the love of my life and the man I would marry…but he wanted hookers and strippers more than he wanted me. What if men on my age group are just like that?  What if all men in my age range lie and cheat? What if I will never fall in love again?  What if no one ever loves me? More than someone loving me I want to love and have someone who will accept that love. And what about having a family?  I want children and that is scary too.

Work:  It ‘s a big deal and I love what I do.  But this project is big.   It scares me a little.

Moving: It’s always a pain to move…and this is no exception.  But this move is different. And it has a lot more furniture because of all of my parents stuff. Finding another house as great as this one is going to be tough, and the move is going to be tough too.

Myself:  I have some insecurities about weight and sexiness.  I have stayed the same weight for a while now, and once I get back to the gym it will come off, it is just getting there.

Why put all of this out there?  Especially when there is the power of attraction?  If you put fear out there won’t it come back to you?  Well, I think you have to acknowledge it, what ever it is that makes you scared or insecure in order to let them go.  How can you face your fears an get over them if you first do not admit what they are?

And in admitting these are my fears and insecurities they suddenly loose the grip that they have.  Because I am human and imperfect and flawed and scared.  But it is our scars that make us our most beautiful and our most human.

I also believe that happiness is a decision.  And every decision you make is either driven love or fear. And I choose to make decisions of out of love.  So I am going to love myself enough to say that yes I have fears, and I am going to succeed anyway.  I will over come them, I will make them obsolete.

And that is how you handle fear.

 

 

The Resting Place

And the appointment was set I was meeting with another real estate agent to see about selling the family compound down south Georgia. The drive down Friday night was long and slept so well the sound of the Crickets, the frogs, and nature. I arrived in time to see the stars. And it’s amazing how many stars that you can actually see it at night, when you get away from the city in the hustle and bustle.

There are millions of stars out there, that you’ve completely forget about when you’re in your own world. And isn’t that the case in life sometimes, we get so busy and our own little world that we forget that there are millions other Little Worlds out there. We get so involved in our drama and our lives that we forget there’s a whole other world out there full of magic.

That’s why I like coming out here in the middle of nowhere, out in the country because it reminds you it reminds you of how small you really are, it reminds you of the cosmos and that there’s more to life than what’s in front of your nose. It reminds you to keep your priorities straight. And as I looked up at the stars I could feel peace  the presence of my parents and all of their love, I could also feel the presence of God.

And then I got the text message that the real estate agent was not able to make it. It was early in the morning when I got the text message and I rolled back over and I went to sleep. And again I slept soundly and I slept late. And when I woke up I remembered how this is always the place that I went always the place that I came to recharge. When life has worn me down I would always come home for my mother’s hugs my father’s voice and the comfortable beds and the sound sleep. And I would come home and rest, and Mom would make sure that she never woke me up, she would always let me wake up on my own because she knew this was the this was the place where I rested. And so it goes, and it doesn’t bother me that I traveled all this way and the real estate agent wasn’t able to make it.

It’s is a beautiful place and I could never be mad at making a trip down, I could never be mad at this beautiful place where I get so much rest. 

  

And as for Me

And as for me, life continues on as has. We all reach a point jn life where things are steadilt headed up, at a nice uphill angle. Hard enough to be challenging so we dint get board, but not so steep it is impossible.

What I want now is what I wanted twp years ago: love and companionship. That which whom I can build something larger than myself. Someone with whim I am equally yoked. 

And it starts with me. So I listed everything that I am which I also want to attract. And here, at the family compound where love is tangible, I have to smile. Love should be easy. It should feel good. It should make you free not tie you down. 

I look for someone worthy of my time and affection. A good man who can handle a strong woman. Someone I can lavish with affection and kisses. Someone to spoil me and take care of me in wonderful ways. Not a fantasy, but real in the flesh. 

Someone patient who will allow me to be vulerable in their presence, because thet make me feel safe. A man with honor who isn’t afraid to walk the line. 

So as for me, I will be watching and waiting, living and laughing until God sees it is time in His perfect wiadom. I want to know what love is. My heart is open, my mind is ready and the time is right. 

Sweet Memories

A rare photo of the four of us together. Although we were very close, there are not many group pictures.  Love × Infinity.

Fly by the Seat of Your Values

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. ― Audrey Hepburn

I read an article today that talked about following your values to a happier life. This seems to be true on many level and it follows my theory on following how you want your life to feel.  But what does it mean exactly?  Well, to me it means that following and living by your values is one very important part of making sure your life feel the way you want it to.

When we go against our values, we feel awful.  No matter how much money we make, how pretty the house is, how much fame or fortune we have…if we do not follow what we know are our core truths, then none of that really matters – unless fame, fortune, money, etc are your care values.  Then you should be reading a different blog all together.

What we have to do is figure our what our values are and then go after our goals of how we want our life to feel.  If I value honesty, I should not follow a career of lifestyle that is conducive to lying.  I will not be happy. We all know people who could care less about honesty and will stomp over anyone who might  get in the way of their goals.  Forget them, follow your values.  Do not give energy to those people. Let God deal with them.

Indeed, as my mother used to say, we know the difference between right and wrong, and we already know what the right thing is.  The test is do we do it, or do we side step to gain what we want…just a little? Do we let pride, ego, anger and vindictiveness take over our values and shift a little?  While that may satiate in the short term,  the long term you will be left feeling even more empty and hollow.

My values are Faith, hard work, honesty, integrity, respect and love, among other things.  I lave to live these truths, I have to follow where these values lead or my life l will not feel the way I want it to , I will not feel the way I want to, and I will not be happy or fulfilled.

I move forward, making my life feel wonderful and good. But it is hard work following your values.  It can be terrible inconvenient to follow your values, your conscience. God gave me that conscience to lead me in the right direction, that gut feeling, that whisper…And I know to have the life that I want I must follow His word, His instructions that He gives me.

SO follow what you know to be right, without excuses.  It is hard to live by your conscience, but it is worth it.  When you sleep well at night, when you have that inner peace, when you know that if you have to walk away, you did the best you could.  That is priceless.

It has worked so far. And it of ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And that is how you fly by the seat of your values.

“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It’s the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.” ― Audrey Hepburn

Sorry Not Sorry

The Little Life that Could

We all have a period rebuilding after a rough time.  You have come through the other side of whatever it was ans you are ready to be happy, ready to live life to it’s fullest.

I planted a garden on the anniversary of Mom’s death. She loved plants and it is a good way to honor her, to plant a garden with the seeds she gave me to plant.  I went to check the garden today and there were tiny little sprouts. Flowers, new life, rising up from the dirt and the grime, reaching up to the sun, up to God, to bloom and give beauty. But first that seed has to make up it’s mind to grow, even in the dark, even when there is no promise of the sun.

And so you do. You decide that’s that and you proceed. No wonder my mother loved plants and said she felt God’s Grace and miracles as she worked in the garden.

And this is where I find myself, proceeding. I have the little life that could…and it will be a big life, full of love and everything that makes me happy.

I found this in my Facebook memories today. It was very a very timely and relevant message. While I am nor getting married,  the message is as if Mom reached down ans whispered in my ear.

Happiness is a decision. At some point you shed the skin of the past and you let go of the anger and disappointment, and heartbreak. You decide to be happy anyway. And you do.  And that is the message I got.

 

 

Shifting the World

In the Book The Secret it talks about the power of attraction.  This is a universal rule that basically whatever we out there is what we will get back.  If we are negative and pessimistic, we will get that back in return.  The same if we are angry or sad or scared.  Also the same if you are happy, optimistic and positive. There is also a rule that every decision you make is made out of love or out of fear.

I have been doing a lot of meditation and prayer lately about this very thing.  I want a life of love, so I have to move forward in love, because what attitude I have, is what will come back in spades. And the only way to shield myself from whatever negative, hateful and otherwise destructive forces out there, is to be so immersed in love and positivity, that there is not space for those negative things to land.

So I start with the past year.  It has been a tumultuous, extremely difficult year. But if I make a decision out of love instead of fear, I can find the positives:

My parents:  While there are nothing positive about loosing both your parents, I can say that it has made me a stronger person, or maybe I didn’t know how strong I was already? I didn’t know.  I do know that the experience has also made me much more compassionate and understanding than I was before.  I also appreciate every little word and every little things I can remember about them and what they said and what they taught me.  There are no more memories that I can make with them, but I can carry what I do have in my heart forever.  And I can take the wonderful example they gave me of what a healthy, loving relationship should be like. I also understand my capacity to love, which I did not know until now.

My family:  A death can really rip a family apart or pull it together.  At first I wasn’t sure which way it was going to go.  Now I see that it has brought all of us together.  From my siblings, to my cousins, to aunts that remain. There is a much deeper appreciation of all of us now, at least for me.  And I want to know them better, all of them.  There is so much love there; it is time to explore that for this generation.

The boyfriend:  Granted there has not much good to say about him in the latter part of the relationship…but if I am honest I have to say he was wonderful at first.  When Mom first passed away I truly do not know what I would have done without his love, support and assistance. I was overwhelmed, and he stepped in and helped me figure out which way was up. He held me when I cried, helped  make my father feel wanted and at home, and cooked many meals, did many dishes and folded many towels.  I truly would have been lost without him during that time.  Moving forward, I am going to try to keep these memories in my mind.

My friends: They say you find out who your friends truly are when life gets bad.  Well, I found out that I had the best friends on the planet, and many of them.  They were the ones who would call me several times a day and remind me to take a shower, get dressed, eat some food.  They were the ones who held me when i cried and helped me figure out how to walk again (how to put one foot in front of the other when all you don’t even think you can get out of bed). They were the ones who wrote my parent’s obituaries, who drove ours to say goodbye to my parents and give me a hug, who would talk to me and listen to me cry panicked not knowing what to do, or would just let me vent.

The boyfriends parents: They deserve an honorable mention, because they were so good to my father.  They were the first new people he met after leaving his home and friends to relocate up to Atlanta.  He left everything he loved, and they were a welcome respite for him.  His own age, educated and having many of the same interests.  They were his friend.  And for that, I will always be grateful and will always love them.  They were and have been very good to me as well, even after the break up.  They are truly good people.

The house: Both houses that I lived in during this past year were blessings.  The first house, though far away from everything, was what I called the “Blessed House.” as soon as I talked inside I knew it was special and would be a place of Peace and magic. Indeed it was.  That was where my parents came to recover from chemo treatments and long trips.  It was where I came to find peace after the house of mold, and it was where the boyfriend and I were the most happy. In short, life in that house was magic.  I have never been happier, then when I lived there. The next house was just as much of a blessing, but for different reasons.  The house I am in now was perfect for what was needed at the time, and beautiful to boot.  Great location, lots of space, and a master on the main for Dad.  And amazing landlords who are truly beautiful people.This is the house of recovery, as I have rebuilt my life here too.

And now I move forward, attracting the positive and love that is out there for me.  I have worked hard and will continue in order to make sure that I have the life that I want.

And in life, sometimes you have to make that decision, and believe it with such passion that it comes true. It all starts with changing to find the positive. That can be hard though, as there is anger, sadness, grief, disappointment and a thousand other emotions along in life.  And it is natural to feel them, natural to express those emotions, and we must in order to be healthy. The trick is not to stay there too long – visit, but don’t move in.But somehow, we have to work hard to let those negatives go.  And that takes work,  That takes courage, introspection and objectivity.  And it takes a lot of faith.

But the ends justify the means. Because when you do come to the other side, ready to move forward, you do so with the blinders off and the world at your feet. Your smile is real and deep.  And you move forward from such an authentic place, that the world shifts to meet you.  I’ll see you there.