Something Just Like This


Vulnerability is defined as: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.  In the past this has been hard for me.  But one of the things that has come out of the last year is an appreciation of and a desire to be vulnerable as well.

We all have those lessons we learn in life, maybe with age, maybe after an experience.  I learned about vulnerability after my Mom died.  I had no choice but to be vulnerable, I had no choice but to fall apart a little. I say a little because there wasn’t much time to fall apart.  But when I did, I had no choice, there was something finally bigger than my self control.  And I simply could not keep a stiff upper lip and keep with my rule of not crying in front of people.

I cried on the shoulder’s of my friends, of the counselors and of my then boyfriend. And I realized the value of letting other’s on, the value of having that shoulder, and the value of connecting like that.  It is comfort, it is human to need that kind of comfort when dealing with overwhelming pain.

And then my father died, and my world literally fell apart. I feel apart, consumed with profound grief, finally dealing with the death of both parents.  And Again I cried on my friend’s shoulder’s, counselors and tried to cry on my then boyfriend…but he refused to give that comfort. And in an instant I was once again reminded how important comfort is during times of trauma and grief.  When it was taken away and refused, it was needed more than ever.

To let your guard down and let someone see your pain, your confusion, your fear, your depression, your sadness, your guilt, that is a gift.  And the gift in return is understanding and compassion. Compassion and empathy is what makes humanity work. Without those there is no humanity, and without humanity we die.  Maybe  not literally, but a part of our heart and soul dies.

But it all starts with someone letting their guard down, trusting enough to be vulnerable and be willing to be hurt by another’s actions, or lack there of.  And I want that.   If I am going to have a life full of love, a life where love is so present that it is palpable, then I must lead by example.  And in that vulnerability, I will find those who will truly cherish the gift, and protect it., value it for the sacred that it is.

I don’t much believe in the romantic love anymore, but something deeper instead. Something based in deep friendship, respect and deep admiration and knowing.  When it goes that deep it comes naturally, the recognition of the gift, the protection of the sacred. There are too many lies that can be told with romanitic love, too manu that are disingenuous, and I am far too gullible. But time brings loyalty. Respect brings sacred, and those bonds are forever.

I want something just like this.

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