Getting Back to Me

Two years ago, I was enjoying going to the gym on a regular basis.  I was running, boxing, doing free weights and even had belly dance classes.  Today, I am reclaiming those goals.  I joined a gym with many locations, and I bought a yoga trapeze swing.  Have you seen those things? It will be a spectacular way to keep fit, and a lot of fun, if I don’t break my neck.

Slowly, I am getting back to me, back to who I was two years ago, and back to where my life was.  I know that after all that has happened, I while I will never be same, not would I want to be, I can get my life back.  I have done all the work to be emotionally and mentally healthy. I am praying, meditating and taking care of my self spiritually, which is so very important. Now it is time for the physical.  This is my time to make myself and my life whatever it is I want it to be.

And so I start out running again, as I did earlier this year before it got so hot.  Now there is no excuse for not working out.  Now, it is my time.  I am so ready to get back to myself, to get back to fit,  and to have fun doing it.

When you are a caretaker, many times you end up being too busy and too tired to take care of yourself.  And that is where I found myself.  I was wearing slouchy, baggy, unattractive clothes, not fixing my hair, being too tired to put on make up, no nail polish, nothing.  I stopped exercising, stopped even trying to look good.  I was just too exhausted.

But now that is not the case.  I have energy, I have the time, I have the desire.  I am rediscovering what it is like to be the girl. I am wearing make up, fixing my hair, and wearing stylish outfits again.  I m embracing life.

And so far so good.  I have a great job, there have been concerts, there is theater coming up, trips to be planned and soon a move into an amazing new house.  I cannot wait. Because this is only the beginning.

A Letter to You Mom

Hi Mom,

It’s me.  It’s been a year since you passed.  Today is a year since your memorial service.  I cannot believe it has been a whole year. A year since I saw you, hugged you, heard your voice.  I play your voice mails often so I can hear you tell me you love me and laugh at some of the other messages.

I don’t really remember the day of your memorial service.  I know we used the plants from Patsy, I know the ladies at the church helped out. I know that Dad was there with Michael.  I know that I spoke or read things at the service.  But I do not really remember anything other than that.  I know that Dad came up to live with us after that, and that he spent most of the night crying and telling me things about his life that I never know before.

I miss you so very much, but I think you would be proud of me.  I am finally through with the deep profound grief.  You know I still miss you, every day.  But I am not so sad anymore.  I am smiling, laughing, dancing and am even joyful.  I know you would not want me to just shrivel up.  I know you want me to be happy because it is you who taught me that your life is bigger than any one event of person.  I was listening when you taught me things Mom.

I tried to take care of Dad as best as I could.  I am sorry about Michael and how he turned out.  I know that you liked him and that you were happy that I had finally found the man of my dreams.  But he wasn’t Mom.  But I know you know that. While he did help take care of Dad, that cannot undo the terrible other things he did.  And all the fights he caused while Dad was here.  I didn’t know how to stop him.

I envision you and Dad as wonderful, beautiful rays of light and energy, zipping and and playing around, being so joyful.  I imagine you guys being mischievous and playful. I imagine you riding on the wings of dragon flies, and being the light for a firefly. I know that you are just as magic now as you were when alive.  And you were magic Mom.  Pure, magic and love. If I am even half the human being, half the woman, half the mother that you were, I will be happy.

A year.  I have missed you every day, and that will continue. But I know that you want me to be happy.  And I am.  But it has been hard to get to the point to be happy without you guys, it has been hard working through the grief.  And Michael didn’t make it any easier.  It’s been easier and I have been happier since he has been out of my life.  Him leaving is the reason why I was finally able to focus on y life and get over through the grief finally.

And finally Mom, I am ready to move forward. I am happy and am ready to start my life in this new normal.  I am ready Mom.  But I will never be used to a life without you guys, so you have to be around.  You still have to give me signs now and then.  And please, show up in my dreams.  I love seeing you in my dreams, because hen I can still hear you, see you, touch you, hug you.  I love those dreams.  I wake up so happy.

I want you to know that it was my honor and privilege to take care of you, to be there, to hold your hand when you passed.  The time we spent together was precious.  You were and are the best mother ever.  I love you so, so very much. And always will.

The Happy Voice

They say that the eyes are windows into the soul….but what about the voice?  As someone who used to be in radio, I can tell you that the voice can show a wide range of emotions and insights as well.  As someone who used to be in radio, the voice can be a very powerful tool.

A It happened a day ago, I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone. And she stopped me mid sentence to say that she had mot heard me this happy in at least a year.  She could tell that I was happy, lighter and no longer sad.  She was so excited to hear it in my voice.

And it is true,  I am happier now than I have been in years actually.  Even today, the anniversary of my Mother’s memorial service I am happier than I have been in a long time.  Don’t get me wrong, a year ago today was horrible.  And my life is so different than I thought it would be.  But my life today is also incredibly blessed.

The time of profound grief is over, so while today is melancholy, and there have been tears, it is better than last year.  One of the biggest improvements is that I got rid on a toxic person with whom I had a toxic relationship. A man who took pleasure in my pain, a man who took pleasure in being vindictive for sport.  A man who tried to deeply scar me, but failed.

Now there is a wonderful new job, great opportunities, and even chances for new relationships and love. The world is truly mine.  And my parents are above me, lvoing me and guiding me as I love forward.

And now there is Peace in my life.  There is no fighting, there are no accusations, there are no arguments, no negativity, no darkness, nothing bad.  There is Peace, love, friendships and goodness.  Getting this toxic person out of my gave me the time, space and peace to heal from my Mother’s death.  It allowed me to fully process everything so I could finally get over the profound grief.  And now everyone can hear it, see it, feel it and experience the happiness that is bubbling up from my soul.

Get those negative, toxic people out f your life and get a happy voice too.