Peace if Life

It has taken a while to happen, and it has taken a lot of work, a lot of tears a lot of processing.  But there is finally here.  Peace.  I have Peace. I am at Peace.  And it feels wonderful.

I am at peace with my past.  At peace with all that has transpired.  At peace with the death of my parents, though I will always miss them.  At peace with the end of the toxic relationship that needed to end. I am at peace with the mistakes I have made, and the things I have done, and the things I have left undone.

With Peace there is also a sense of calm and balance and stability.  This may seem counterintuitive to the excitement I have also been feeling, but they go hand in hand. It is simple and basic – that which brings you peace will make you happy.

There is no internal struggle, or external struggle for that matter. It is felt deep in the soul, where the light dances with the dark. It is hard to describe except everything is good.  Everything is right.  It is what happens when you love until there is nothing left.  It is what happens when, like the Velveteen Rabbit, you become Real. It is what happens when you and God rebuild yourself.  And you become very protective of it.  When you feel Peace like this, you don’t want anything to disturb it again.

And so you learn to walk away from anything that causes a wrinkle in in it, the Peace that rocks you to sleep at night.  And so I want to keep this feeling, this wonderful calm after al the storms. And I want it to become the foundation on which I build.

Release Me

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.  – Nelson Mandela

We all have a time in life where we have reached a goal, accomplished what we set out to do, or faced a fear.  Sometimes all of them.  This is the case with me.  And this goal is bitter sweet, but a celebration none the less.

Since Dad’s death I have been in intense grief therapy.  I saw two grief counselors with the Hospice which Dad was blessed enough to be a part of, and a separate counselor to help with putting life back together.  I am a big believer in reaching out and getting help when a situation is bigger than what you can handle yourself.  This past year was it for me.

So I set out with the help of others, to rebuild, to face my grief and go through it, all of it.  Every heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, horrible moment of it.  And I cried, and ye;led and questioned.  I wrote letters, said prayers, did meditations, talked with friends, cried more, read books, watched TV shows, wrote a lot and cried even more again.

And finally, after the first year anniversary f Mom’s death, after finally having the time and the peace to sit down and truly go through each day, of all that happened and process it, I have been told that i am done.  I have had all of them tell me that indeed, I have gone through the process and that the profound grief is over.  I have done it. I have come out the other side and I have been released form the program.

I have been told that I am emotionally healthy and have done a great job in rebuilding my life.  I have the foundation now to have whatever life that I want in the future.

That is not to say that I am not going to have moments, I will still miss them every day, I’ll still cry, I will still have triggers.  But the worst is finally over and I can grow from here.

It has been a long, hard road. It has taken time to go through all the feelings and resolve all that happened within my mind and heart.  But now, I have just another reason to celebrate.  I could not have done it without these wonderful, compassionate, loving, caring, individuals who led me through the landmine and helped me get back on my feet.

If you are going through, or have suffered the loss of a loved one, I encourage you to seek help of a grief counselor.  It will truly make a difference. I felt like Humpty Dupty, and now not only have I been put back together again, so has my life.  I am thankful and blessed.

And now, let the celebration of life, love, happiness, friendship and more start….now!