As I climbed at the hills and up the stairs in the rain, and I felt my body screen from the exercise, I felt my muscles ache and jerk unsure of my next steps. But I kept on going is the rain drenched me I could feel it all over me, first in my hair then on my face and the back of my neck and finally on my clothes. And yet I still climbed. And as I lost my breath I still kept pushing forward. And I imagined the rain as my parents unconditional love pouring down on me.
I pushed even further until I got to the stairs, I’ll 675 of them. And I pushed and I pushed and I pushed Step by step. Up further and further and further even past my aching legs even passed my burning lungs, passed my quivering knees. And I push my body past all the pain of this past year.
I pushed it past seeing Mom suffering, I pushed passed breaking my own heart to tell her it was okay to let go and leave us. I pushed forth the pain of holding her hands and stroking her hair as she took her last breath, I pushed passed the pain of making all the arrangements, completely lost and overwhelmed and unsure of what I was doing. I pushed the pain and confusion and frustration and exhaustion.
I pushed forward passed all the fights that my ex and I had due to all the pain and frustration and exhaustion and taking care of my father that in new relationship couldn’t couldnt recover from the strain. I pushed past once again holding my parents hand and telling them telling my father that if he wanted to let go and be with my mother that it was okay to let go. I pushed forward the incredible pain of having the love of my life leave 2 weeks before my father died, I pushed forward to past the pain of my ex being so cruel after my father passed and refusing to assist in any way. I pushed forward the pain of finding out to be cheated on me with hookers and strippers, and again past the pain of finding out that he cheated on me once again with his new and latest flavor.
I passed forward the pain of planning my father’s memorial service, I passed forward to pain of being an executor of the will, I passed the pain of grief and loneliness and of confusion.
And as I push forward through the pain of all of that, of my body exhausted, lungs burning knees shaking,
And I cried. As I sobbed my salty tears ran down my cheeks and joined the pure, beautiful water of the raindrops that fell on my face. And I like to think that it was my parents love that was gently wiping away my tears.
And when I got up to the top, the Sun was shining. And I walked up and I listened to the sound of the waterfall and I looked at the trees and wind and the sun shining off The damp leaves and I smiled.
And then I looked up and very very briefly there was a rainbow.
You see on the drive up there, I asked them to please give me a sign, something I knew was just for me to let me know that they were still here watching over me on today one of the most difficult days in a long time. And there was this beautiful rainbow.
And I took a picture of it and almost shared it on this blog, but then I thought no, this little Rainbow is just for me just from them.
- And I remember what they taught me: That no matter how difficult the time or no matter who hurts you, your life is bigger than that. Also every drop of water is a miracle, life is a miracle. So choose love. Choose to live life with purpose and do not let anyone disturb your PEACE.
Editors Note: the words “past” and “passed” are used intentionally.
Also, yes I have more “walks with Mom, up to the current day, but have not piblished them.yet.