We all have those moments where a certain smell brings back a flood of memories and emotions. It could be a recipe cooking, a perfume, whatever. Tonight for me it was clothing. As I was cleaning my Dad’s room out, finishing up and straighten up what remains, I found some sweatshirts that I did not know where here. As I looked at them I caught a scent…familiar and comforting.
I brought the shirts closer and breathed in deeply. And there it was, so strong, so clear and wonderful – the scent of my mother. Over nine months since her passing, and clothes still smell like her. She had such a presence.
And something happened, as I took more deep breaths in, wanting to soak up every bit of fragrance that I could…I felt warm and happy. For the first time since she passed, I felt happy, a true sense of joy and comfort finding such a reminder. I was not sad at all.
And wonderful memories came flooding back: Laughter, smiles, conversations on the back porch in the morning while having coffee, watching movies at night with wine. Playing card games like Rummy 500 (she always won) and Poker. And so, so much love. I felt at home with her scent, remembering my safe place of so many years. It was her little gift to me, those shirts.
And I realized finally, my life is coming back to me. Through all the grief and struggle, there is happiness and joy, slowly coming in. It is like rays of sunshine coming in out of dirty windows, and a glimpse of a rainbow. Leave it to a mother to provide hope and love.
There will still be bad days, and bad moments where I break down and cry. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Birthdays and holidays. But right now, today, tonight, at this moment, I am happy. My heart is full.
I am figuring out who I am now,since I will never be the same as before. I can be better, stronger, more compassionate, more understanding and deeper than before. I am finally regaining my balance, my equilibrium. Finally my feet are under me.
There has been prayer, meditation, going to church, having faith, leaning on friends for support, cleaning out, yelling, screaming, crying, working, staying focused and trying so very hard. I am eating right, exercising, paying attention to what I need and taking the opportunity to take care of myself instead of everyone else…..and finally it has paid off. Now all that is needed is to rinse and repeat. Things are falling into place as life has adjusted to the new normal. And it fits well.
I cherish each and every moment of memories of my wonderful parents. And I know I will be OK. More than that, I will be happy.