Prayer and Meditation

We all have those things that change and shape our lives, whether it is an event, a decision, or a person.  For me, there have been many things, events and people over the last year that have made my life forever different.  But a recent decision has made a huge difference already.

Prayer and meditation. It started out as an assignment so to speak, from a counselor. A way to clear my mind, thoughts and heart.  A way to let go of what needs to be let go of, a way to release pain, grief, guilt and much more. And a way to tap into my inner self, to be quiet and still and listen to the voice of God.  How else can you hush your thoughts, your mind and your own inner voice?

And so it has gone, and it has opened up the door to healing and to feeling much better about where I am and moving forward.  I am still looking for my roots, but with a clear mind and heart, with God’s voice whispering in my ear, the journey is not as scary. It is going deep within your faith, where your soul starts.

And what is amazing is how many of my friends have said that they meditate and pray as well.  They have sent me their favorite meditations, so I have several from which to choose.  Their support means so much, and will help me in my own journey.

Letting go of what does not serve me, or my faith, makes room for the positive to come in. Already I feel lighter. Already more and more goodness is coming.  And that is the new phrase for my life right now – follow the goodness.  I am going to what makes me feel happy and fulfilled, and loved. I am focusing on the positive. But it is hard and takes dedication.

And today during my grief counseling, we talked about this.  It is paramount to healing, and I am doing well he said.  We talked of how it was divine intervention that I found out my ex has been using prostitutes, strippers and such. Even though it was incredible painful to find out, I truly dodged a bullet. I cannot even imagine having a relationship with someone who is capable of such things. And what if we had been married before I found out? That would have been a painful divorce.

The counselor assured my anyone who used such services is not a nice or good man, and that eventually my ex would turn to be abusive, as he had shown signs of it already with how he spoke to me in the relationship.  And anyone who shows a lack of empathy should be treated with extreme caution.

We also talked about where I am in the grieving process with my parents, and that I seems to be in a good place and at peace with things finally.  I miss them so very much, but I have turned the corner in  my grieving. I am ready to incorporate them in my life, not for grief to be my life. I am ready to move forward in earnest and be me.

Turning to faith, to God, and praying, and having faith in the process is hard, but it is worth it. He talked about how I needed to be with a man who was comfortable praying together with me, because that faith is fertile ground on which to build.  And that would be so wonderful, to have someone to build love and faith with.  Let my faith bring the people and places and things in that will bring the goodness. So far, those who are close to me, do pray with me and for me.

So I continue to pray and meditate, focus on taking care of me, focus on what brings joy and I will follow the goodness. It is still a process, getting back on my emotional feet, getting through the grief, and growing the roots.  I will still stumble and fall, I will still have to work hard at this, every day.  But I am determined. And I know that my two angels are watching over me.


And I Ran

There is something very therapeutic about running.  Some say it is the endorphins released during physical exercise and activity.  I say it is more than that.  There is the “runners high” that is very good.  But still, there is more.

When I run, I am solely focused on me, on my breathing, on the rhythm, on the way my body feels. Everything gets very quiet, and my mind is clear.  That is when clarity comes to me, when i run.  And I as hear my breathing in the background, I am acutely aware of my body and my thoughts and my self.

My troubles, my pain, my grief, my stress, all melt away. They disappear in the breathing, in the steps and in the heartbeats that carry me forward, one stride at a time.

And as I ran yesterday, I looked up at the sky and saw the sun shining through the clouds.  And I knew, my parents were watching over me.  I could feel them in the air, see them in the beauty of the sunset, and I knew.  And I cried as I can that evening.  I cried for how much I miss them, and for how beautiful they are now, angels looking over me.  And I am more motivated now than ever to be the kind of person that makes them proud.

I want to make sure that every day, I honor them and God in the way that I live.

And I ran, I ran to improve my body, my stamina, my life.